I have been seeing this guy for a little while now, it’s a long-distance relationship and we aren’t exclusive. When we’re together, he seems super into me. He talks about me to his friends, engages in PDA, and compliments me all the time. He initiates every conversation, checks up on me if I don’t reply, makes plans in advance, clears his schedule for me, etc., and I know for a fact that he isn’t seeing or hooking up with anyone else.
He tells me he misses me and that distance sucks because we can’t be together, but adds that we should keep our options open in the meantime. I tried ending it, but he begged me not to (although he also said he would understand if that’s what I truly wanted). In the end, we both decided to keep the lines of communication open.
I can’t wrap my head around the fact that he says he genuinely likes me but still wants to play the field when I’m not around and doesn’t mind if another guy snatches me up. Is distance a legitimate reason not to commit, or is he just not that into me?
I know that you want a relationship with this guy, but I have to give you my non-sugarcoated answer … that is what I do and I imagine that’s why you choose to ask me for my input.
I’ve said it in many of my articles and I’ll continue hammering it in: When a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, believe him.
Anything else he says afterwards is just to soften the emotional impact of the news. Unfortunately, most women allow his “reason” to spark a glimmer of hope that it could work out if only one thing were different.
You would do best to look at this in concrete, black-and-white terms: He says he doesn’t want an exclusive long distance relationship with you. He does want to keep talking. He does want to see you when he sees you. He does want to do everything you’re doing now.
But make no mistake about it: He wants everything that’s happening right now and nothing more … if he wanted more, it would already be happening. Things are the way he wants them, and he unambiguously does not want anything to be different.
If you’re happy with how things are now, then stay with it. If you’re OK with it for now, while in the meantime exploring other options, then great … however, I don’t think you would be having all these questions if this were truly what you wanted.
In terms of what you said at the end: “I can’t wrap my head around the fact that he says he genuinely likes me but still wants to play the field when I’m not around and doesn’t mind if another guy snatches me up. Is distance a legitimate reason not to commit, or is he just not that into me?”
Yeah … he does genuinely like you … but if another guy snatches you up, he’s OK with that. And if another girl comes along and snatches him up, he’s OK with that, too.
QUIZ: Does He Like Me?
Really, the place his head is at is that he likes you and would love to continue on with you for as long as it will go in its current state … but if it ends, he’s OK with that. He’s not looking for anything more and has no motivation or intention to change the arrangement you have.
He certainly doesn’t want you to leave, and it doesn’t sound like he wants to change what you currently have together.
And who knows… maybe if you lived in the same town, things would be different … maybe if … maybe if … maybe if …
Guys are OK with a relationship being nothing more than a friendship plus sex. We have absolutely no problem with it … we don’t feel any sort of instinctual need or drive to change things when we’re happy and satisfied …
I’m not saying that guys are anti-relationship. There are certainly guys out there, right now, who would be very enthusiastic about committing to you and only you 100% in an exclusive relationship. The problem is, you’re not dating that guy … you’re dating the guy who wants the relationship he has with you right now, as it is.
The biggest issue that I see women get into is they have a relationship that’s “sorta” good … and “sorta” enough … and “sorta” what they want … but not. But it would be if only, if only, if only…
And so they waste weeks, months, years (and in some cases, a decade or two) trying to force the relationship to change. They waste their best years trying to shove a square peg into a round hole, never realizing that a good match just works and fits effortlessly (for the most part). Sure, there are differences of opinion and issues here and there, but for the most part, the two people are on the same page as far as what they want the relationship to be.
If I were you, I would keep my options open … up to you if you want to cut off contact or continue until you find a replacement, but let’s face it—he is already happy with the status quo, and you’re not going to get a different result just waiting around for something to change.
The only way that I could possibly imagine that happening is if you really did leave (for real … like … really for real) … and then when he saw what it was like to have you gone, he realized he didn’t want to lose you and fought to win you back … he might do that and then you’d have the relationship you wanted … and at the same time, he might not do that … in which case you’d know with 100% certainty that he was never, ever, ever going to get into an exclusive relationship with you. When you take a moment and really think about this, you win either way … you either get the relationship you wanted, or you know for a fact that you weren’t going to get it with him anyway (and you don’t put more time into someone who won’t give you what you want).
Obviously this is all just my opinion, as are all my responses … but at the end of it all, your best bet here would be to move on and start dating around again. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but I’m saying it because that’s my opinion, and giving my honest feedback is what I do…
hope this helps,