Ask a Guy:  He Doesn’t Want a Relationship, Should I Just Walk Away? post image

Ask a Guy: He Doesn’t Want a Relationship, Should I Just Walk Away?


I’ve had a “casual” thing going with a guy for 6 months, mostly sexual. Two months ago, I told him I couldn’t do the casual thing anymore and since then things have been heading downhill fast. Today was my birthday and he didn’t even wish me a happy birthday!

I don’t want this anymore but I’m getting mixed advice from people. Some tell me that I should text him and tell him that I don’t want to do it anymore and others tell me that I should just stop texting and just ignore him if he reaches out, which I find particularly cruel.

What should I do?

If you don’t want this anymore, then it really doesn’t matter what you do, does it?

It sounds like you’re pissed at him, but there’s a part of you that still wants something to happen and thinks there is a chance.

Maybe not necessarily a relationship. Maybe you just feel like you lost a part of yourself with him… and you want to get that back.

The answer is in finding how to be enough without needing him to do anything in order to feel happy and content with life exactly as it is.

When you can find that place within yourself, then dealing with him won’t be an issue. You won’t need some kind of strategy or game plan – it’s your emotional state that’s causing you all the anguish… it just looks like it’s him causing the problems.

Only you can change your emotions and it starts with drawing fulfillment from other areas of life and loving your life and yourself in general.

So don’t text him, but don’t ignore him either. Just focus on you loving yourself and loving life… get to a place where what he does may affect you a bit, but overall your life is so great that ... (continued - Click to keep reading Ask a Guy: He Doesn’t Want a Relationship, Should I Just Walk Away?)

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van

Hi,,,
I feel cofused too much now. I met a guy one month ago. We have dating and we like each other. We have know each other very well, I understand its not possible to feel love so quickly for him. I think we have make relationship from the begining, I ever heard he say he is my boyfriend. But after we have argued too much he said we only close friend, he still not fell love with me because our mind still not fit. He like me by body much, he feel good and happy when he with me, and He like and love when we make sex.
He asked me to be only close friend until we love each other, but now I was fall in love with him, unfortunately He just accept me as close friend. and He said if I find a good guy who love me much, I should to inform to him and He will stop to contact to me.
What should I do ? Does he love me ? Does he don’t want me ?

Please help me, I want to be with him together and forever.

Reply August 27, 2014, 2:51 am

amy

So what if the guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, the girl says she doesn’t want casual, but then the guy reaches out to the girl and they get together (yes going against wants) have a great time, seems they are getting closer, he texts daily, she realizes he still said he doesn’t want a relationship and she’s going along with casual and she is confused. She wants to stop this cycle without disapearing on him. What is the best way to communicate this without going MIA or slow fading?

Reply August 6, 2014, 5:49 pm

Lib Pale

I texted the guy i like who is also one of my close friends that i liked him and that if he didnt like me back it was fine and i wanted to hang out with him as much before he leaves for 10 months. I want him to be honest but he hasnt texted me back after 4 days and he has read the text. When i saw him he acted like he didnt read the text but didnt talk to me as much at all. Dont know what i should do. Please help!

Reply July 28, 2014, 4:15 pm

urvi

hi…I have been crushing over my neighbor since 4 yrs ,he is living alone and is single,he has approached me on two occasion but I didn’t understand what he wanted since he didn’t say anything… then when I was interested and have told him that I like him and that he was rude on one occasion… he didn’t answer back . cut to one since I’ve told him … he continues to avoid me and if he sees me coming he shuts the door loudly if i am standing there doesn’t even say a hello. it really hurts me… but i keep my cool i continue to live my life… but i wish he would talk to me…he looks at all the women but avoids me. what do i do?

Reply July 27, 2014, 3:26 pm

Alexis

I like this guy.. Possibly even love! But you see he is my older sister`s friend so I`ve known him since i was about 13, and liked him every since. I know him so well and he knows me just as well. I`m 17 now but he turned 21 two days after my birthday. We talked and flirted from April until a few days ago I confessed my full attraction to him!! It was nerve wrecking waiting for his reply. I was so excited to see what he had to say, though it was not what I was hoping for.. He replied “Oh wow Lex i def. wasn`t ready for that! I`m really flattered and you`re really pretty but you`re just a little too young for me… I`m sorry for being so blunt but I just don`t want to lead you on but I still love you and enjoy hanging out with you!!!”.. Of course i`m so glad he didn`t just cut me off, but it still hurt a lot. But what gets me is after he says I`m “too young” he says he “just isn`t ready for anything like that right now”. Another thing is, the weekend before I texted him that we ended up sleeping in his bed together cause the couch was taken and we kissed but I told him sex was not happening and he was completely okay with that! He continued kissing my back and just being sweet! Which was very confusing considering the fact that he said I`m too young. We`ve hung out since then and things are the same if not the same better, even a bit more flirty. I just don`t know how to feel or what to do. I need a llil help, maybe some advice?? It would mean a lot! :)

Reply July 17, 2014, 11:54 am

Zeezee

I have a problem I finally got the guys number I’ve been crushing on and yesterday he told me that he’s not looking for anything serious because he has been engaged before & he rather have fun for now. Idk will he ever want anything serious he told me that straight up (which I’m glad he was honest) but the more we talked it seemed more like he wanted a sex buddy. I wanted to start off as friends then see where that leads us, I just don’t want to have sex with him now that I know he doesn’t want a relationship. What should I do diss him or take a chance to see how our relationship would end up?

Reply October 4, 2013, 6:35 pm

MgbengasaChinenye

Diss him, because it’s clear he doesn’t want you, most guys want a sex buddy and nothing serious from that sex buddy. It’s better you diss him than hurt yourself. It’s hard but trust me it’s worth it.

Reply November 26, 2013, 3:19 am

Bea

I have been in an on and off situation with flirt man for two years – The first year of our relationship we were together all the time, his son was away at university and he was getting over a 12 year marriage where he wife ended it – After his son came back, shortly after the dynamic of our relationship changed. He became distant and when I called him on it and other things like text messages from several women, at all times of days – and weekends – things came to a boil and it was over one week before my birthday, and one day before a gala we were attending for first time together. After few months no contact I would get his text message asking how are you? and slowly we started to see each other more and more – and for the past five months we have been at it again – He does not change, but this time around he would always be saying things that would drive the point we were not in a relationship – he would flirt with women in front of me, would reel me in when he wanted and reel me out when he wanted – this caused my enjoyment of being together to diminish – our FUN times only felt like that when he let himself go –
He had friends that were losers, ugly and always boasting about women they picked up and slept with, and being on ” sex only sites” Now……I look back and here are my conclusions after three days of ending the relationship that was not a relationship –
1.) when one is around a person that is purposely driving the message of not wanting to be in a relationship it is demoralizing and not uplifting and makes you feel horrible -
2.) Look at who his friends are. If he surrounds himself with men that are losers and women chasers and openly say that they are not into having a decent wonderful woman with them, that they are into filth – you will not be welcome and if you are with him in their company they will make sure to say and do things that will provoke you and drive you away – this then leaves him free to join their pity party of idiots -
3.) If this person goes away with you to paradise and he says something like this is great ! but it would be even greater to come back with the entire family – !! he is not into you –
4.) If all of these things are happening I cannot see how one can act like all is fine and wonderful and good – It is a matter of choice and I choose what people I hang out with and at this point in my life I want to choose those who appreciate me and are joyful being around my company – best thing about your article is putting the focus back on me ! It is about me feeling good and secure and happy – not about me doing and acting how he wants to forsake my happiness in order to make him happy and not me – ( NOT ) let him caravan with his friends who were both left by their wives and he makes the third amigo – something happens to men when they are left by women that is far more serious than when women are left by men –
Processing this but feel way better than last time when I was a total mess !

Reply June 9, 2013, 7:11 pm

Tamara

I liked what you wrote, I think you have quite a good understanding of people and yourself. I just read a few of your articles and you give some good advice without giving too much of yourself away. It’s good that you are telling people to love themselves to remain respectful to others and be balanced. You are doing a job that our mothers should have done but were too busy working and fighting with our fathers that made them forget themselves. You could take this role further if you wished… and teach people about real love on a deep level, not just the illusion of this material attraction, would you be qualified or desire to take up such a task? :)
I wish you well.

Reply April 22, 2013, 6:25 am

Bea

JAJAJAJA that is a great one ! Yes they were too busy fighting with our fathers – which is a horrible bench mark – my mother put up with so much from my father !
And looking back she was really so much more than he was and so much more than the women he married after her – I saw my mother suffer and go through life always worrying and suffering and certainly do not want to go through life like that too. It is about balance and being in center and happy with life and oneself – the rest is gravy – or the dessert – should not be the core to our happiness -

Reply June 9, 2013, 7:15 pm

blue

I have to say, i liked this article and it is very true and sometimes we just have to be reminded of it. it’s sort of like ripping a bandaid off… you do it slowly and it hurts like hell, rip it off and it only hurts for a minute and then you are fine.
This helped me with current situation I am in with a guy….
thing is I do love my life and i kinda love him too, and it’s hard to let something go that you think would add a “final touch” to your life. feel like I wouldn’t be complete unless this guy was my boyfriend/husband, honestly do look at him that way… but he’s not ready for a relationship or something like that. very hard. it’s hard because i guess I’m picky and find it difficult to meet anyone i feel would really add to my life. This man is very soulful and caring and a lot of fun… hard to let that go, hard to find.
anyway, ripping bandaid off… and I know i’ll be fine. thanks for the words, they helped.

Reply December 16, 2012, 11:23 pm

Cat

This falls under what your mother should have told you when you were young “why should a man buy the cow if he can get the milk for free”.
You’ve given him what he wants (sex) without him having to commit to anything at all.
Really, how did you EXPECT this to turn out?
WHY would he commit to just ONE woman and all of the trappings of a relationship if he’s free to continue to act like a bachelor but get sex whenever he wants it?
Ladies, ladies, ladies. If you are in it only for the sex yourself, then great. If you are hoping for a relationship, than you really need to stop giving the milk away for free. (Your Mom was right on this one!)

Reply November 19, 2012, 5:07 pm

lovebug

Hi everyone. If anyone could let me know what is best to do and be brutally honest I would appreciate it:
This has been bothering for months and I cant get it out of my mind. I met this guy about 3 months ago, we kicked it off at first as sex(yes wrong) however i was the one calling him, but it developed into something a bit more as time passed. He started calling, but not only for sex but to take me out, to either eat, spend the day. He was open to me, sharing his though ts with me and he told me things about his rough childhood that were very personal. I aslo told him certain things, and I caught myslef having feelings. He later told me was catching feelings for me also. Then I would noticed little things he would do that bother me, like he then started calling every 2 days and or even 4 days. which bothered me and he knew it bothered me. i wanted him to chase, so i would not called on purpose. Just recently though I stopped seeing him because There were odd things, I would noticed. We were not using condoms but somehow when i went to his house one day i saw a bunch of condoms in his table” so i said to myslef “he is not using them with me, who is he using them with” it bothers that he didnt even bother to hide them. Also when i saw his lubricant for the first time it was filled until the middle, a couple weeks later i saw it again and it was less that half and he was not using with me. These red flags made me think, about what i was really having with him. I wasnt his girlfriend, but he told me he liked me and cared for, but i felt that i still didnt want to come off on him as a bitch like i wanted to pooses him. or anything but there were times where i would let him know certain things he was doing that made me a bit jealous . Even though i did ask him if he was sleeping with someone else which he told me no( not that he would tell me yes anyways) but i guess he was really good at hidden it.
Just a few weeks ago, he once again, called 2 days later after i last saw him and this time iwas pretty fed up with it, and i told him before that I felt that he was using me but he said that he realllt likedme , that it was not about the sex anymore. He called me many times , texted me but i shut down and i just ended ocntact with him without letting him know what i was really feeling. I feel bad that everything we shared was nohing, and i love him as a person, because he came into my life, when i was feeling despair and very lonely.
The other day, i was to my way home and he spotted me, he was driving, he stopped to talk to and i said to him that it was over, pretty upset he made a right a left.
I miss him a lot but i dont know where i stand with him, and i feell like has feelings for me but not as strong as i have them for him. Feeling extremely sad i texted him the other day and I said to him “that i didnt want us to end on a bad note and that i should have spoken to him about it”, he reply with a “Its cool, i understand, I aprreciate it thank yuo, take acre of yourslef and be safe my lovely much love, i hope everything turns out ok for you” I dont know how he went from speeding off that day to this calmly reply.
my questions is should should i call him or text him not to go back to having sex with him but talk to him cause i miss himm soooo muchh? it has been 1 months in a half, but he hasnt called or text. which speeks loudly, but i dont know if he upset that i left him like that, or that he doesnt care?….Maybe i should just forget this because if he wants me in his life, he knows where i live and he definrlty has my phone number…I dont know what to think or do.

Reply October 16, 2012, 9:45 pm

Lily

I know Eric or Sabrina more qualify to answer your questions but I am in the same boat as you right now. The only different is that I don’t go after him. This what I ask him
Me: I been meaning to ask you something, is this the right time for it?
Him: yes, go head ask me……..
Me: Did you see us as a couple later on?
Him: like long term? It’s hard to say babe. I hope we keep seeing each other like we have been.
Me: yes, I want us to continue seeing each other too but don’t want us as fu**ing buddy anymore. I want a relationship. I had great time with you and thank you for being honest with me :)
Him: It’s your choice babe. I hope to see you again.
As much as it hurt me to hear the truth but I am glad to find out about the truth now than later. I re read Eric and Sabrina article and it help me a lot on making the right decision for myself. Its hard but I would not force anyone to be with me, I know he’ll comeback to me I just give him time to miss me and if he is not….there are plenty of fish in the sea. Get busy with yourself by picking up a new hobbies, go out with your friends, date other guys. We live once, so enjoy it!

Reply July 26, 2013, 12:33 am

Niki

HI…This really an amazing article. Its true that it is in our own hands . This is really helpful. Thanx

Reply October 14, 2012, 10:53 am

Jessica

I like this article and most here but sometimes I feel like I never completely relate. So taking the advice given isn’t always easy. I’ve been seeing this guy for a pretty short time (only like 3 – 4 weeks). I know we’re at the lust/infatuation stage because he lives fairly far away from me and drives almost everyday to come see me. Whether its for a couple hours or to spend the night. Except he’s told me on several occasions he doesn’t want to be in a relationship and he has a pretty hefty past. I know I like him and while I want to stay single and have fun I’m sure if he asked me out I’d say yes…I just know its not going in that direction. I’m just not sure what to do because I feel like what we’re doing now…this whole practically dating but not thing is just going to become tedious and frustrating. I know he likes me, I’m sure of it, but he likes to pretend like he doesn’t care. We’ll even bring up the chance of me hooking up with someone else, but even when we talk about it he just says he doesn’t want to know but doesn’t seem to care if I do it or not. I’m not sure what I’m looking for in terms of advice, I guess to see if people are in similar situations. I want him to want me and care about me, and it sucks sometimes when I don’t get that feeling especially when I feel that way for him.

Reply September 20, 2012, 12:22 pm

Maes

I am on the same boat. I have been seeing a guy for 3-4 weeks also, and I am digging him but I also think thats because its new. We spent a lot of time together, sleep overs and everything. I feel like he’s maybe gotten too comfortable with me, maybe getting use to the fact he has me around all the time. We are trying to get to know each other and he is always complimenting me, telling me how beautiful I am, I’m nice, sweet and that he really likes me. But I feel like he is somewhat kind of a narcissist. He even slipped up one night and told me “I love you” while I was half asleep. So here is where it gets complicated… how can he act like he is soo into me but makes sure to tell me at least 3 times already that he is not ready for a relationship. Okay thats alright, because I understand we just started to date but dont tell me you want to DATE EXCLUSIVELY, and that you would be upset if I would be sleeping with someone else. I am a little upset maybe bothered that he would make sure to make it clear that he’s not ready. I feel like he’s just using me for the comfort now. I am very observent in people’s behaviors and I noticed that he likes to be in control in a lot of things like work & probably every aspect in his life. I heard him yell at his dogs a couple of times and I told him that when he does that, that his tone of voice is actually very scary, so I said to him because we are both comfortably honest at this point, I told him “you better not yell at me like that” and I am a female all women like some compassion and this is the response I got… “Well dont make me yell at you” so I just feel like he needs to be in control of everything and be “even”. I feel like this is a game. So its tit for tat at this point I feel, and I am pretty bothered about how much I actually thought I like this guy and gave myself pretty much to this man. So one night I left in the middle of the night because he said something very inappropriate “I’m afraid, yes I am not ready for a relationship” I kind of got upset, because again why do you have to say that when we are IN BED? So he fell asleep without trying to comfort me when he knew that kind of bothered me I was hurt and I left without notice in the middle of the night. And its been 2 days and I have not heard from him ONCE. ISNT HE A DOUCHE BAG? I think my intuition was right. So point is dont expect me to spend all of this time, sleeping over, “getting to know eachother” and “LOVE” or LIKE me soo much, basically acting like my boyfriend but making sure that you are not ready for a title, and that I will stick around. If he isn’t chasing me now knowing I was upset that night, then he sure in hell does not deserve any more of me. I have to say I am very disappointed and I feel maybe he was just having fun and wanted me for my body. But this is how we learn… I just have to let it go. I hope I made the right decision because that is what my heart is telling me.

Reply September 28, 2012, 6:37 am

cat

Run as far and fast as you can. Dont waste another day! He is an abuser and it will
Only get worse. I know from experience so please take my advice. Be careful and get support before you leave him.

Reply April 14, 2013, 9:37 pm

Lisa Joseph

terrific… Great Advice& inspiring Issues Giving Me sold Motivation*I read all of your articles..Liked &agree w All the advice thats why I’ask for some heavy duty advice hereIam stong & confident successful gal I think I do knw the diffrnce bet right & wrong &dealing with feelings &Emotions & addressingthemI had been married for 20 yrs before my divorce & I had a wonderful healthy relationship w my hubby who was my best friend & vice versa we woked togthr than hegot ill passed on Now the scoop. I hv been sex partners & extremely intimate w my nxt door neighbor for 4 yrs we can talk about anything & aftr having Wild sex for hours upon hrs we stay uip & talk about our emotions & feelings about life for another 3-5 hrs &then I feel for him & want him as Mine. Iam 48 & want to share a solid future & Need more from a Man than just being
Just what s going on between us being Me I& I wanna Love & be Loved (Doesnt everybody Need/want that?)don’twant to waste time that I cant get bk anymore He is 58 & Nevr Married I believe una vailable due to being abandoned by Mom & probably 2 Ex’s he’s afraid & emotionally unavailable. He denies hes emotionally Unavailable.He claims he’ll marry somebody one day joke s and only contacts me via text saying I love u Lisa& Maybe We will Marry One day Huh? I ask what he did sat Nite he claims hewent out on a date & he claims she only wanted sex w him I think he says that to get me jealous wanting to only to (F*ck)Pardon He claims& Probably is playing w me” Gee I didnot realizeHow Mch I miss u Lisa Until I’m with youDear; havng fun with u is great & you are beautiful Sweety” & He Laughs at Me.Nobody deserves to be treated poorly Plus he didnot even call me or contactMe for my birthday.Yes I realize not good So do I say goodbye to him in personOr Just forget him & never contact him ever again after treating me so Poorly & Hurting me the way he has I actually emailed him that I felt like a Cheap used Slut theday after our booty eve .. I also n eed boundaries even w a booty Man who I now have feelings for but don’t like bein Played .I like to focus & sayin it like it is cuz then I knowwhere I stand & know my plans for movin forward.This Man tells me we Have tremendous chemistry w is great I think But big dea so what & what do I have from it ??I dont mean monetarily I mean inscheme of things Life is short & Don’t like using people or bein used overall I just like to know what the dealis & then deal w what I have to. when addressed . He just makes me feel Uncertain which has never occurred in My Life I need some help here how to handle this Heonly listens when hewants to But I am an adult.Heclaims he doesnt want a relationship ( Probably Just not w Me) than why is he supposedly on the dating scene? Why does he ask me what I want to do w the rest of My Life?Alkso Will I miss him if he moves 10Milesaway I don’t know what he is referring to Is he testing Me to see what I say? or JustLike beating around the bush to hear what my answer will be.. sorry for the Lengthy post I’m confused but am asking for help i feel terrible about this too LisaSue

Reply September 14, 2012, 1:13 pm

Lisa Joseph

I guess Imust try to eliminate this man foranything healthy to occur within My Love Life to move forward?I’m sure it will be extremely dificult for me . This Man & I continued texting one another.I refrrd to him asa playboy He says he enjoys playboy This whole scenario W this Man is kindof clear thinkBut I was taught youmay get what ugive. Now this Guy is actually not nice to me Overall Heplaysw my head mind games He txtMe see ya Off to Italy to bring Bk My Wife Lisa.. I txt bk gd LuckDear congrads Im not yr chump Take CarePal Hisreply U are So sexy whn u Get Mad Do I just Ignore this Person forever Cuz i dont care forgames pain & wannabe unappreciated.whats with this Man??Or is it ME??

Reply September 24, 2012, 7:30 am

Diamond

Heya ladies,

You all really helped me see that it’s not just me and all guys seem to be the same. I am pretty sure I scared the guy off that I started talking to because on the first date I was so attracted to him we started making out and then one thing led to another and bada bing-bada boom…I’m in his bed and stayed there all night.

The next time we went to hang out he cancelled on me last minute….he isa really busy guy always working…he does some crazy work and his schedule is not normal…he said he enjoys my company, but after he cancelled I got kind of upset becaus eit was last minute and I necely said taht I didn’t mind if he didn’t want to talk to me anymore.

Then he asked me to hang out again….and we did and it was great….itwas soo great I stayed over again and I felt so comfprtable with him…well we made plans again but itwas on a sunday and he knows taht week days are not good for me so I was kind of offended he couldn’t fit me in when it was convenient for me because the last time we hung out was on a week day as well and it is really bad for me as I have to get up really early…so I told him i couldnt hang out….then I felt bad so I said I would try and he said ok and then about 3 hours before I messaged to confirm and he said he was pretty busy, but what time did i want to come over? Well I assumed that because he said he was busy that I should just leave it alone and not go over….so I said I didn’t have to come over….and then I heard nothing from him….and then nothing again….and then I messaged him and said I wonder if we are ever going to see eachother again? amI not your kind of girl….and something along those lines because he was not giving me any attention so I figured maybe I got played….well he messaged me after that and said that he thinks I am looking fro something he cant offer me, but he enjoyes my company…” after that I got kinda sad and then I never heard from him….I sent him a couple messages and still nothing so I felt I had done something wrong….then finally I sent him a message and said taht I understand where he is coming from and all is good….still he never initiated a convo with me and when I asked if we could see eachother again he said he would let me know as he is really busy….well now it’s going on the 4th week I have not seen him. Last week I messaged a few sweet messages and then I got fed up after the last one i initiated he replied but then got off immediately…so I said that this was just not me I feel pathetic for chasing him and if he wants to talk to me he knws where to find me.

Now I feel like an idiot…I like him so much but I know I messed it up….did my emotions mess everything up for good? Will I ever see him again? Ugh, I was treated like shit in my last relationship and I guess I was expecting him to do the same to me so I was a little too agressive I guess….can I fix this? I have not heard from him at all and I am thinking of waiting a couple more weeks then messaging him to say hi….but im confused at my own self lol….oh men, why do you have to be so freakin confusing?!

Reply July 4, 2012, 3:55 pm

MinSyd

Diamond, you haven’t messed anything up, you just have to face that it is what it is. He has already said he can’t give you what you want, so what part of you doesn’t value yourself enough to say OK, and move on to someone that can?
More importantly, you have already told him you feel pathetic, admitted you were chasing him and then said if he want to talk he knows where to find me.

That’s where you have to leave it now, if you never hear from him again, it won’t be the end of your world. If he does call you, think very hard about whether this guy is really worth it. Don’t listen to nice words, let him prove himself. But from what you say, he sounds like he’s out for just a bit of fun (there is nothing wrong with that and he’s been honest with you), you want more, so trust me, that isn’t going to change.

DON”T CONTACT HIM….If you contact him now not only will he think you’re pathetic, you will too and your self esteem will plummet. Hun, I don’t think you were too aggressive, I think you didn’t value yourself enough. You made some calls he didn’t return them, hold your head high and move on.

Reply July 4, 2012, 6:56 pm

tracy

Diamond the problem is the sex on the first date very rarely do men EVER respect a girl that does that. If you had held off for a few more dates he would have put you in a different category. I understand if you are not that type of girl, and I understand that you really liked him and that otherwise you would not have done it but it’s hard to recover from that one.

Reply May 13, 2013, 10:19 am

Eric Charles

Actually, I’ve had amazing relationships that started with sex on the first date.

The sex isn’t the problem. Lacking any depth of connection and/or compatibility will kill it – whether you have sex on date 1 or 10 or 100.

The whole “sex on the first date category” stuff is a myth. It’s a powerful, prevalent and popular myth… but it’s not the determining factor in whether or not you’ll end up in a relationship with the guy.

Again, I am picky, but when I love, I love strongly and passionately. Sex on the first date is usually more evidence to me that she’s *exactly* the girl I want to be with… we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.

Reply May 13, 2013, 5:45 pm

Inga

Although I get what you are saying I must say that how do you actually know someone with enough depth, connection, and compatibility on just a first meeting. I kind of think that more often than not chemistry and physical attraction is what is actually mistaken as connection and chemistry can’t always be trusted. Perhaps sometimes one can get lucky twice, lucky on a first date, and lucky that both people are in fact compatible and not just lusting eachother. However, I still think that is the exception more of the norm.

Reply July 29, 2014, 11:46 am

Kerry

I’m feeling really out of control :-( I have been seeing a guy for around 8 months. It has never been a ‘relationship’ as he just doesn’t want that. We seem to have different ideas about what the boundaries of this casual relationship actually are. I have always known he was heart broken by his ex and that he isn’t over her (he still has her pictures up around the house and when she text him to ask how he had been a few weeks back, he went to pieces). In some ways he acts so caring and like we are in a relationship, he invites me on group holidays, involves me in his family life, introduces me to his frineds etc he will cuddle me and hold me close, come over and see me in my lunch break when he is in the area. He does a lot of really nice things and when I am with him I feel so happy. He says he does miss me when I am not there but he doesn’t want a relationship. He says he cares about me a lot and I must know that but his doesn’t know what is holding him back but he just doesn’t want a committed relationship. I have been trying to hold on and be patient but about once a month I break down, usually because he has done something that reminds me I am not his girlfriend (which always takes me off guard as most of the time he treats me like I am). He invited me to Glasgow to meet some of his friends but they asked who I was and I know I felt awkward about answering the question – I think he did too – but he joked to one of them that I was his ‘fuck buddy’ and told others I was his ‘pal’. It took me by surprise as the day before his mum had introduced me someone as his girlfriend and he didn’t correct her. Since then, he has been on holiday to Florida with his friends and he heard from his ex while he was away. He came back and instead of spending the bank holiday with me, he went straight off to Scotland for the weekend. I found out later about him hearing from his ex. I found out the other day he also kissed someone else while he was away and that his plans to move back to Scotland next year have now been fast tracked because he is having to move out of his house. I am gutted. I know we were never in a ‘relationship’ but he did say he wasn’t looking for anyone else, that he would be commited to me and I feel betrayed. Scotland is a 9 hour drive from where I live and it feels to final, he will be gone for ever. The thing is he has a choice and it hurts so much that he could just drop me so easily when he seems to care about me. I don’t know what to do, ultimatley I want to feel happy (which when I am with him I do) but I also want to feel secure and like there is a future. I feel like I have two choices but I have no idea which to do – stop seeing him now, cut all ties and make the break a month before it has to happen or see him still, try to detach emotionally – Neither one makes me happy. I know I can’t change how he feels but my heart if just breaking and I dont want to feel unhappy any longer. Any advice would be really appriciated. I feel like everyone else tells me he is a bad person and is doing this on purpose, but I dont think he is, I think he genuinely does care about me but just not in the way I care about him.

Reply June 22, 2012, 1:03 pm

Christine

Hi Christine,

Did you find a solution to your problem? I am in a very similar situation right now, though we have been dating for a shorter time. He’s very nice to me and treats me well but he’s not over his ex. It seems to me that as long as he somehow feels like there’s a chance they might get back together in the future, he won’t be able to even think about getting into another relationship. He just recently told me he decided to end all communication with her because he doesn’t trust her anymore (she claims she still loves him but she always had commitment issues with him) and he doesn’t think anything good can come out of their exchanges at this point. Yet he does admit he still loves her. My plan is to give it a little more time but I can’t stick around forever in light of the circumstances…

Reply August 27, 2012, 4:05 am

Christine

Sorry, I meant to say hi KERRY ;)

Reply August 27, 2012, 4:05 am

Kerry

Hi Christine,

I didn’t know you had responded until I saw this today, I know a long time has passed. I hope things have worked out well for you. They didn’t for me. As time went past, he made less and less effort. I didn’t see it until now but I basically accepted that I wasn’t as good as his ex – I thought I was being understanding and kind but I was being a push over. Over time, he became more distant – He had everything I had to offer without giving me anything back. He knew he could (and he did) flirt with and kiss other girls because he always had the ‘we’re not in a relationship’ card to play. He thought he had me hooked, he didn’t think he would lose me and went out to find someone else who had something special to offer him. I didn’t treat myself with enough respect. I basically accepted that his ex had something to offer him that I didn’t have when I continued to see him without being his official girlfriend. I think it says a lot about him but it also says a lot about me. I am kind, I am caring but I also do not value myself much. And because I don’t he never was going to either. He hasn’t left yet but he is enjoying being single. He went through a phase of telling me all about the girls who fancied him and breaking my heart more and more. In the end, I took back control the only way I could and I told him I didn’t want to be friends, as he wasn’t respecting my feelings (and I know why – because every time he hurt me before, I wanted comfort and he was the only person I wanted it from…. its a bit like giving a dog a treat everytime it pees on the carpet, it’ll never learn to go outside). He hasn’t been in contact since but he is out being a ‘sexual preditor’ as his friends nicely put it … It still hurts SO much but I know that at the very minimum I deserve someone who makes me happy more often than they make me sad, who respects me and acts like I am someone ‘special’. If he doesnt want to open his heart, you can’t make him and he isn’t blind, he can see your qualities good and bad…. is he doesn’t believe them to be special now, then wait for someone who does. Don’t let his memory (which is probably distorted) make you think you are anything less than completely worthy. Big hug xx

Reply October 14, 2012, 6:40 pm

Anonymous

okay so mines is pretty simple…and I think I know what is going on. I’ve had a best friend for over two years and recently I’ve felt really close to him and I told him that I like him a lot….at first he was happy and told me he has liked me for quite a while. Here’s the catch, he says that I am worth it, but recently he also told me that he doesn’t want a relationship and can’t say he ever will. Also…there have been moments where he lets his hand rest on mine or he finds an excuse to let his face get close to mines as if almost kissing me but never does. It’s a bit confusing because I don’t know what is actually happening, may I imagine things? We still talk like we always do and hang out a lot. But with time I am finding it hard to not let myself take advantage of any other situations where he will get close to me again. I told him I would be what he wants and what he wants is his best friend….but as for the girl who also likes him…well..that girl is finding it hard to understand what to do when near him…so what is it that is happening here? Thanks!

Reply April 23, 2012, 12:09 pm

MysteryGirl202

Ok, i didnt find another forum on this and im new to this but w/e. Thing is, i recently started a relationship with a guy I’ve known for almost 4 years, he calls me in th emiddle of the night and we have a small serious talk, where he tells me hes confused. He told me he still feels something for his ex girlfriend, yet he cant leave me. He asked me for some time to get his thoughts straight. I tried my best to stay calm and not let this affect him or let him notice that somehow it dug deep into the pit of my stomach. I’m worried about him. I tried my best to give him good advice and i told him i understood and decided to give him time. He wants to stay contacting me, but idk if he will start talking to her again…and…she’s very good at manipulating…Any advice?

Reply March 4, 2012, 11:30 pm

Shotzc

I met this guy in a bar about two months ago. He has my contact name as “bar” instead of my name. We’ve gone out several times and also communicate via email when were away from each other. I am thinking he has a significant other who looks at his contact list. I’ve asked him if he’s married or involved with anyone but I he avoids the subject like a plague. I don’t care to make an issue of it, we just met but should I trust my gut on this?

Reply March 2, 2012, 6:32 pm

Listen!!!

ShotzC…
You’re thoughts are clouded by emotion. Reading your post makes me want to scream at you, it’s so obvious, I can’t believe you have to ask.
The guy can’t even give you the respect of using your name, let alone give an honest answer. So yes LISTEN to your gut, the red flags are all around you, plain as day. Walk away from him, don’t reply to his calls or texts, this is clearly going to end in tears. No decent guy would call you Bar, and he’s obviously hiding you from someone else. Get outta there girl, you’re in lust not love, there’s nothing lovable about that kind of behavior. Respect yourself and clear the way for a guy who will call you by your name!!!

Reply March 2, 2012, 7:13 pm

Shotzc

Your right, I need to trust my gut. I was a clouded by the gifts he brought me from his travels and his words. It is obvious and I won’t go any further with this man. Thank you!

Reply March 5, 2012, 9:43 am

Shotzc

Hi all,

I wanted to update you on my story maybe in the hope that people out there reading these blogs will think twice about your actions before you make them. For both men and women….. treat other people with compassion and respect because you never know…
The guy I wrote about in my initial posting emailed me. He has stage 4 pancreatic cancer, basically a very very low survival rate. His email was very sad, he is married with two small children who will miss out on having a father. His apologies to me made it clear that he believes God is punishing him for his actions . Even though some of my friends told me it’s Karma, and even though he treated me the way he did, I could not wish this on anyone. We all want to have a clear conscience and the only way to have this is to treat people how you want to be treated.

Reply September 20, 2012, 12:59 pm

Sophiee

I was just wondering how would I reply to text messages well if it said “forreal”? Or “ok”. Should I just stop txting back him or what should I say??…………

Reply February 22, 2012, 4:25 pm

Patricia

Hello there this is something that is a little different for me. I have been with this guy only we are not in a relationship we have just been having sex. The thing is that i have feelings for this man and i know in my heart he has feelings for me too. I want more with him and i dont know what i should do. So what i need to know from a guy is one, How do i know if he has feelings for me?? And for two, How can i turn this into a relationship instead of us just being sexual partners.

Reply January 11, 2012, 12:18 pm

pinky love

dear Eric i have my ex-boy friend and i still love him thou he had his ex. i broke up with him but we kept on communicating and finally our communication faded. it was a relationship of four months and he seemed happy whenever we were together. i broke up because i saw that he had reduced calling and after me telling him lets be friends he called me immediately and told me someone wanted him back and asked what i could do i told him to go where hes heart is and he told me to be precise i told him that if it chose the past then it would right to go back he told me he was going back. thou after that i sent him recently a message saying that i still loved him and he posted on my wall on face book that he really loved the time we spent together and that my shit was wonderful. i know he moved on and am trying to do that but i just wonder what made him post like that on my wall. I love him still and am trying to get up thou its not easy. thanks for all you do though am really grateful

Reply January 10, 2012, 9:27 am

23wifey

I am 27 and my partner is 40 we both agreed at the beginning of the relationship that we really wanted to children until now my partner has now told me he doesn’t want any more children he cannot give me a reason why or what explain why ? he has a child by his previous relationship. So he has a son and daughter I only have one child and I always said to him I never wanted an only child. It is now affecting our relationship and he has told me that I have to make a decision whether I want to be with him or not and if I don’t I clearly don’t love him as much as He actually thought I did. My partner works full time he doesn’t do anything for our daughter I do everything he won’t get up in the night he will sleeping in a separate room most nights because he says he can’t have broken sleep he always comes home tired. It is tearing me apart I feel hurt ,empty, angry, lonely, devastated. He said if we have another child he will end up leaving me he said he’s scared of the first nine months and first year as he doesnt really have any control over the situation? but he said he’s happy to adopt a one year old but not have another child with me??? Please can someone give me an answer is eating away at me and I am continuously crying I don’t know what to do I love my partner very much and want to be with him for the rest of my life but I will regrets being with him and not having another child!

Reply January 10, 2012, 3:41 am

Xtina

I just ended a very similar sitation after a year of struggling through it. I met this guy and we were inseperable for a few months. Now, I must mention he was 6 years older than me (30yrs old) and i had never dated anyone who was that much older. He was honest with me from the beginning and said he wasn’t a good boyfriend to his ex’s, but we had fun together and I enjoyed his honesty…and the fact that who knew, maybe I could be “that girl” to change him. He was a challenge. We continued seeing each other for a year…a few months into it I told him I didn’t want to be his “convenience girl,” and I wanted more. He explained that he liked me and I was a “good time” and he wanted to continue seeing me but didn’t want the title because he didn’t want to hurt me. Funny, because I was hurting more not thinking I was good enough to be called his girlfriend. We continued to hang out and have fun for another 6 months and I almost convinced myself that it was enough for me. Deep down I knew I deserved better. I had the final talk with him after a night of drinking which was probably a mistake, but liquid courage felt necessary. Six months later I received the same response. I ended it then and there thinking he would chase me. I haven’t heard from him since.

Reply January 9, 2012, 7:44 pm

denise

Ok so I need advise. I recently divourced after a long marriage. I hooked up with a man from high school that I was friends with. We were friedns first and then we had a sexual relationship. Never really any dating back then, Anyway so we started talking and after 4 months, we ended up having sex. We had sex several times all the while he was calling me every day and I mean every day. So 5 months into it I finally work up the nerve to say something about not being able to have the casual sex with him anymore. He told me he didn’t want to date anyone. I took that to mean me. We didn’t talk for 6 weeks and then once we started back, same old routine over again. We’ve gone back and forth a few more times since. Now it’s been nearly 2 years of this and I know I should say no more. He knows I have feelings for him beacuse I told him 6 months ago. I thought I could hold back the feeliings but they were there years ago. I am not looking to get married but I do want a relationship with someone that actually likes me. My dilemma is I want to find a way to stay friends with him. When I’m not talking to him, I’m sad. I don’t know what I can say to him to make him understand that we can only be friends and that he can’t ask to have sex with me because I can’t seem to say no to him because I want to have sex with him. Or do you think we were ever friends? Maybe he was just using me for the sex? I don’t want that to be the truth. So give it to me straight. How should I handle this? End what I think is a friendship or is there a way for us to stay friends and not have sex?

Reply January 3, 2012, 10:44 pm

pinky love

i came across this site today and i love it. having similar issues like the ones in this article but i think one should just do what they love to do then they will discover that they are loving themselves and they will be happy and contented with themselves. i love writing and whenever i write i love myself more since i know that i can do this without him and don’t need him to write. it makes me even happy and i get some fresh atmosphere. man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!………………… i love this site!!!

Reply January 2, 2012, 2:04 am

Eric Charles

Thanks so much – I really appreciate hearing that. Glad you love our stuff, that means a lot to me.

Reply January 2, 2012, 4:21 pm

ivy

i dated this guy almost a year after he broke with his ex of 13 years, she wanted have kid, but he didn’t, that was the reason they broke. At the fist month being with me, he seemed very spoiled me, but after that he changed a lot, got mad at me with very lil things, finally he confessed to me that he wanted to be alone to think things , and don’t want in relationship now, but he still want sex with me overall, he also said he never felt satisfied with all his exes in the past, …i asked him if he still has feelings for me, he said he still has feelings but still need time to be alone,… i really don’t know what to do now cuz i still love him a lot, i want to move on, but on the other hand i still hope he will change,

Reply January 1, 2012, 7:58 pm

Elizabeth

Eric,

I have been dating this guy for a few weeks now, he has a child with someone else and he is also five years younger then me. I rarely get to see him even though he really tries, as he must be with his son a lot of the time. His ex-girlfriend wants nothing to do with me at the moment and does not really want their son around me either. I am trying to be patient and understanding and really make this work, but I wonder if it’s worth it. He does not want to call me his girlfriend quite yet, though he says he is in love with me? He never stays over because he must be with his son and he is always at his ex-girlfriends house with their son. I feel like I am too much of a third wheel and he is not really committed to this rship, but I am more of a friend that he can get away with. Should I move on from all of this? Do you think he will ever commit, because I semi feel crazy right now.

Elizabeth

Reply December 28, 2011, 12:30 am

Jerilyn

I just recently pulled myself out of something exactly like this but mine was a long distance thing. He never clarified to me that he didn’t want a relationship until after 5 months of stringing me along. At first he came on very strong and then pulled away. He said he wanted to hang out and see where things went but then told me recently that he did not want a long distance gf. He tried to backtrack by asking if I wanted to be friends and see where it goes from there but I just don’t see the point if he came right out and said that he does not want a long distance thing. Not to mention the fact that I haven’t even seen him in over 3 months and our conversations have turned only sexual. He tried to make me feel guilty for saying that I did not see a point in being friend. Is this true? Should I atleast try to be friends with him , even though I want more? Or should I just cut it completely and move on?

Reply December 16, 2011, 1:27 pm

Sparkle Brown

No, don’t stay friends with him unless you are okay with being only an option. If you feel like you are and option and not the whole shebang then a guy will treat you as such. Ijs @sparklebrown (tweet me!)

Reply December 16, 2011, 2:54 pm

Jerilyn

Thank you for your comment! I never thought it that way but now I see it clearly. I was an option. He knew that I would make myself available when it was good timing for him and that’s not what I am interested in. He manipulated me into thinking that it would turn into more if we started off friends. We went 3 months without seeing each other.. that looks pretty bad to me. So I did the right thing by cutting him off? Time to move on with my life and find my happiness.

Reply December 16, 2011, 5:36 pm

CiCi

I’m glad I came across this article. I recently had a huge falling out with a guy I was casually seeing. I do feel like I’ve lost a part of my self and I’m now in the process of getting that piece back. Though we weren’t in a relationship and weren’t aiming for one, the way things went down did upset me and I immediately realized I had wasted time on him that I will never get back. He basically went back to his ex and didn’t tell me anything until I saw it with my own eyes. Anyways, I know that the path for me right now won’t be easy and I know it will take time but I also know that getting that part of me back isn’t “impossible”. It sucks right now but I know that the right man will come into my life one day and I need to make sure that I’m in tune with my self so that I can give him the best of me, providing he’s on the same page as me of course. :) Thanks Eric for your wise words, “you don’t get wisdom or growth without pain and struggle”….

Reply December 7, 2011, 11:24 am

Sparkle Brown

Wow I used to be just like you. I took a whole year to learn to live and appreciate myself . Getting in shape revamping my wardrobe, pampering myself. With spa treatments and manis and pedis. Soon I had so much positive attention from guys and girls because I was happy and everyone at work noticed friends and family. It takes time but don’t focus on what you don’t have work with what you’ve got and appreciate the blessing because there are so many people who have less. Ps guys can sense when a woman values herself she won’t put up with bullshit and she has standards he has to meet. Hope I helped. Follow me @mybrownsparkles

Reply December 6, 2011, 9:05 pm

Eric Charles

Good comment – thanks for that. You got me thinking about something I want to bring up, now that you got me thinking about it.
.
I think sometimes the whole “valuing yourself” discussion gives the impression that valuing yourself equates to not taking BS, making demands, etc.
.
That’s definitely part of it, but the core of it is simply this: You know that you are whole already. You know you’re not missing anything, so you don’t settle.
.
Just that alone will naturally have you do everything that shows up as valuing yourself… sometimes it is making demands… sometimes it is not putting up with bullshit… but the core of it stems from not *needing* a relationship, just wanting one (specifically, the right one for you).

Reply December 6, 2011, 9:23 pm

Sylvia

I’m so glad I came across this article. The day before, I broke it off with a guy that I had been casually seeing because I found myself falling for him. When I told him the truth, he said that he didn’t want a relationship because he is so focused on his career and his sport. Of course, I’m pretty sure it was his way of saying that he only wanted me for sex and nothing else.

I had mentioned that I didn’t want to do this anymore, but he always sweet talked me into staying, like how he would miss me if he never saw me again, and I felt stupid for doing that.

One day, I couldn’t take it anymore and bluntly told him to lose my number and forget that we ever met.

Still trying to get over him, but on the other hand, I’m so happy to finally get out of this.

Reply November 24, 2011, 10:06 pm

C

I discovered this site by accident whilst searching for answers about guys. I’ve always had low self-esteem and I used to have low self-confidence as well. My friends/family tell me i’m pretty etc but I can never seem to believe them. I read all the articles on here about being happy with yourself and life but find it so hard to put into practice. One thing that always make me question my worth/attractiveness is the fact that i’m 26 and have never had a boyfriend. It was never an issue at school or uni but since then it really gets me down. This past year i’ve dated a few guys but they’ve all ended up with the guy disappearing or saying they don’t want a relationship. This past year i’ve put so much in with these guys and they haven’t had to try hard which maybe is a reason why it ends. Now I find it hard not to start worrying as soon as the guy starts texting less (like I am currently). I know guys can ‘sense’ negativity but I don’t know how to use the advice on this site and put it into practice.
Please help as I find it all so useful.

Reply November 22, 2011, 6:15 pm

Viviana S.

OMG! As I was reading your post, I started wondering if it was me that wrote it!! Haha I am in exactly the same boat as you. I am also 26 yrs old and to this day can say I have never had a bf. Whenever I start seeing a guy, everything seems to go perfect. I even start thinking ” this guy seems different” than the last. then one day I just stop hearing from them or they have all of a sudden become to busy. ( mind you, I don’t even text or call or seem desperate) if I see that the guy hasn’t called or at least texted a “hi” I don’t say anything either. 3 guys that I started to go out with (within a year) were all different from each other, yet reacted the same way with me. Or should I say lack of reaction, if that makes sense. Nothing happened. I just stopped hearing from them as if I never existed. I would’ve at least felt somewhat better if they were mad at me.. Some sort of emotion. But nothing. So, I have now come to think that there is something wrong with me, not physically though. I don’t know if it’s my personality, the way I carry myself,etc. now, I just feel so empty inside. I feel like I don’t even want to date ever again. What’s the Point.. But I do think I have to love and value myself, because who else will love you more than yourself.. Easier said than done.. I know I probably didn’t help much or give you advice, but now I feel like I am not alone…

Reply February 7, 2012, 3:24 am

Sam

Just discovered this website… and im in love with it!

I need to get my story out there becuase im DESPERATE for answers.
i was in a relationship,1 pretty much my whole life.since jr high.. Broke it off with him due to personal reasons(that isn’t why im writing)…and ironically not long after slept wth someone else… So this second person ive slept with in my life is a nice guy and i need help with him..

I dont want to be in a relationship, or so i think that is.. and i know at first he said he didnt either.. but the whole thing is confusing for me, because ive never been in this situation. Also we work together so i get to see him farely often. The problem with myself is I’ve never dated so i dont know how to react or handle things. we slept together after knowing each other a month, but not dating… I think he likes me, although he doesnt respond to all my texts, he does at times? After a couple days of not hearing back from him.. i seen him at work and he kissed me .. Which of course brings back on the fact that i do kind of like him and WANT to talk and hangout with him more. (I mean, we have slept together…4 times? in the past month… and he invited me for the first time out with his friends last week…does that mean ANYTHING at all??)

Now the bad part. What on earth do you do when you have drama from the ex? I have a daughter with him so we will always be close, however when i broke the news i had been with someone else and theres now way ever wed be together he went crazy.. of course wants to know who it is, and i didnt say anything….

I cant. The guy i slept with, lets just say hes high up in the company, hes only a yr older then me though. I dot know if this all makes sense.. i just dont have the time to make this clearer.

Reply November 22, 2011, 1:12 pm

tammygee

I was in a similar situation and became completely needed and assumed and accused him of being with someone else. We were already in bad places relationship wise, I’m separated and he was also still figuring out if he still loves his ex. He finally had enough and told me to go away. If I can offer any advise…live your life, try to forget about him. When I backed off, he usually came around…this is a warning if you don’t want to get to the point I am at. If you are feeling jealous, insecure or mad it is probably not your true self speaking…just some insecurity from the past likely…take my advise or you will be left alone:)

Reply November 21, 2011, 11:56 pm

Alejandra

I wana ask guys , how can i start talkin to my ex again when i hurted him . But i still want to talk to him,

Reply November 21, 2011, 2:04 am

meg

should i go away with him then start to back off him and not txt him will that help or make things worse?

Reply November 18, 2011, 8:54 am

meg

that is a really lovely article. me and my friend discuss men alot and how they react. i was dating a guy from 3months, we were constantly txtin eachother,seeing eachother we introduced eachother to our kids, went on dates etc. it was like we were already in a releationship we just completely hit it off. then he woke up one day and told me he wasnt ready for a relationship he was scared. we didnt see eachother for a 2weeks i found out he had slept with a few other girls which i didnt go mad over because we werent an offical couple. we’ve started seeing eachother again not as much as before. i no he doesnt want a relationship but i do really enjoy his company and think he enjoys mine. he asked me to go away with him for the weekend and ive agreed he sed he. he says he doesnt want to lead me on but why would he ask me to go away? i dont want to come across needy and pushy? what shall i do?

Reply November 18, 2011, 8:47 am

Elaine

Reply from an older female – if you want a relationship with him, you shouldn’t be having sex with him without commitment. If you just want to be seen as a female he can come to for sex, then go with what you want to do. It depends what you’re happy with really.

Reply December 11, 2011, 1:55 pm

MinSyd

I think this is a great article and so true. I’ve been seeing a guy (long distance) for 3 months, he calls me everyday! : ) however at one point we had a moment where he confessed he isn’t over his ex and half of him wants this relationship the other isn’t sure. I told him to work it out and let me know. It came to a head a few weeks later, I asked for more he said he couldn’t give it. So I thought it best we call it quits, he suggested we just pull back a bit, but I said how would that work, finally, he agreed…. then continued to call me everyday for the next two weeks.

I hoped it meant he’d had a change of heart. I broke down yesterday telling him it’s hard for me to move on when he calls me everyday and I can’t let go, so I suggested no contact for a few weeks. He got short and very clipped with me but finally came around to say if that is what’s best for you I’ll respect that. But so you know I still call you all the time because I love talking to you and I want to catch up with you because I enjoy hanging out with you, but I can’t give you what you want right now. I said I knew that’s why I have to do this just for a few weeks. The hurt in his voice broke my heart even more, now I feel like I’ve done the wrong thing, even though I did something for me! Eric/Sabrina what do you think? He’s never pulled away, he’s never drifted from me, he calls me everyday and I’ve gone and cut it all off. Did I make a mistake?

Reply November 16, 2011, 8:07 pm

MinSyd

Would really love some feedback?

Reply November 27, 2011, 4:36 am

Violet

I’m curious how this has turned out, are you still not in contact with him? I think if it’s too hard for you to keep in touch with him – then you shouldn’t! He’s already hurt you by dragging things out like this.

Reply December 25, 2011, 10:58 pm

MinSyd

Hey Violet, thanks for following up. He still calls me sometime and we run into each other occassionally thru work events. He is always really lovely to me. He phoned me late one night very broken over a family tragedy he’s been dealing with, and drunkenly told me even though he knew it was wrong he wished i was there, but still can’t give me anything right now and he didn’t want to drag me into his mess.
I told him I still missed him but I think we are where we need to be for now, but who knows once he works himself out. I still miss him and cry regularly but my gut tells me I’ve made the right decision, and that I am now just one of many female shoulders he’s leaning on right now. Still, it’s all I can do to not phone him and ask for another shot. I just have to remind myself he told me he doesn’t want a relationship, whether it was just with me or with anyone in general, it is what it is and I somehow need to get over it. Hope everyone else is doing ok, this is very hard especially this time of year.

Reply December 28, 2011, 2:11 am

Jasmine

Hi Eric,
I had this same problem. I was with a guy for 1+ year and he didn’t want a relationship. We went from dating to just fwb. It bothered me a lot and I couldn’t take it anymore. So I asked him to choose relationship or friends and he chose friends bc he wasn’t in the place in his life where he wanted a relationship. He lost his job when we started dating. But I helped him find a new job. It’s not a great job. I didn’t care that he didn’t have a great job or money. I just wanted to be his gf. But he chose to be friends. I said fine and no more sex then! He would still text me once in a while to see what’s up and chat a bit. I would see posts on Facebook and see pics n status updates of him and a girl. They seem to be getting more n more serious. We ended fwb in May and back in august when he told me he started dating others he said he still didn’t want a relationship. But it looks like she’s becoming his gf bc he brings her out a lot, something he didn’t do with me. It hurts me bc I want to know why her and not me? Would it be bad if I asked him about her? Please help me… I really want to know if I should just ignore n move on, or ask him about her then move on.

Thank you!

Reply November 13, 2011, 10:43 pm

G

I’m telling you there’s something magical when you carry a carefree attitude and focus on your life instead of his. You need to read more on this site. Once you let go and stop worrying about a guy they will come around and if they don’t then you’re free to date whomever. Really? You don’t care that he doesn’t have a job? Well I do. I’m not asking for a wealthy man by any means but I want someone that has their life in order as I have a very successful career. I overlooked that with my ex bc I wanted a relationship so badly. I’m in a much better place and now that I’m focused on my life he has been begging me to get back together. Don’t ask about this girl. Know that you’re amazing, fantastic and deserve the best. Walk around and feel confident in who you are and others will see that too and be attracted to you. I’m so glad I came across this site. It has changed my life. No one is worth losing sleep over.

Reply November 17, 2011, 11:49 pm

Jasmine

Thank u G
I guess it does matter that he has a good career. I would want someone with a better job. But I think about why he’s different with her. He never brought me out n posted pics of us on Facebook like he does with her. I really enjoyed spending time with him but the lack of respect towards me just drove me crazy. I know things will never happen between us and I don’t want to be with him anymore. But just seeing pics makes me feel bitter and gets me wondering “why her? I’m a great person, I was great to him and showed him support… If he was ready for something, why didn’t he come back to me?”

Reply November 21, 2011, 4:12 am

G

Jasmine
I truly believe relationships are not just about two people connecting but more so about two people meeting at the right time. Timing is more essential than just connecting. One of my good friends is absolutely stunning, successful and sweet yet her last two exes wouldn’t give her a relationship. After she ended things with them she found out that both got engaged to the next girls. Yeah can you believe it. She asked why wouldn’t they give that to me when I’m a great girl? I would defriend your guy or just not look at his profile. It’s only going to cause you hurt. My ex wouldn’t give me a commitment yet he was willing to give his ex a commitment which I never understood since they had a long distance relationship. According to him she treated him like crap and I treated him very well. I broke up with him and now I’m indifferent. I still love and wish him the best but I love myself more. Now that I don’t really care he’s wonderful toward me and begs me to get back together. I feel really guilty for talking to and spending time with him when I’m looking for something better. He’s a total filler and wants a relationship but he has to accept that a girl is only willing to give as much as she is given. Keep your options open. I look forward to new dates and prosects. A fresh new start Ahh. I promise you will like and love another guy just as much or more as this one :-)

Reply November 22, 2011, 3:11 am

Jasmine

Thanks G!
That really sucks for you and your friend. I think you are right about meeting at the right time. I met the guy at a time when he wasn’t feeling up to par. His ex cheated on him, he didn’t want a relationship and I agreed with him not wanting a relationship (even though I really wanted one, I just said it to be able to continue seeing him). After a year of fwb, I felt too used and disgusted with myself for being so dumb. I think he might’ve learned from his mistakes with me. He’s treating this girl really good. He brings her out. She’s met his family, spend holidays together and even went away together. I don’t wish good things for their relationship. I am too bitter to wish that upon him, especially since he told me he still didn’t want a relationship back in September, but here he is now showing this girl. He texts me once in a while to see whats going on, but he never mentioned her, I just see from facebook. I know I will find someone to loves and respects me one day. Right now I have trust issues. I’ve only had one relationship prior to meeting this guy. I was with my ex-bf for 9 years! After 9 years he said he didn’t want to get married so we broke up. I’m having trouble believing what men say now. But I hope that one day I will… =)

December 11, 2011, 6:18 pm

Angela Halbert

talk to him and try to get him to just be your friend hun n mayb things will work theirselves out

Reply November 10, 2011, 9:56 am

GML

Wow, this article really touched me. I’m so impressed by the advice here. Personally I’m trying to work on loving and respecting myself more. I absolutely believe if you’re satisfied with your life and who you are then others will have much less of an impact on your state of mind. I’m so glad I read the response.

To the person that wrote the question I wouldn’t put any weight on birthday wishes. I’ve forgotten people’s birthdays and others have forgotten mine. I’m always very thankful and appreciative when people wish me a good day but I never expect it from anyone. People have so much going on in their lives that it’s very easy to let a day slip by. Don’t take it personally.

You already told him that you don’t want a casual relationship so why reiterate it. He already knows. I’d carry on with your life. If you’re not comfortable with the current situation than don’t initiate any convos. If he texts I’d respond politely. Treat him as you would any acquaintance or friend.

Reply November 9, 2011, 11:29 am

Eric Charles

Thanks, I appreciate that. Glad you liked the article.

Reply November 11, 2011, 8:41 pm

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