Ask A Guy:  Why Is He Being Flaky? post image

Ask A Guy: Why Is He Being Flaky?


I met a guy at this party about 2 months ago. He asked me for my number and we’ve been talking ever since. We went on two dates and I started to like him. However,  I checked his MySpace profile and his status says “in relationship.” We had a date set up for last Sunday and since he flaked, I confronted him via text message about him being with another girl, which he denied. He also said that he wants to see me this week. I have tried emailing him and even texted him twice but got no response.

Is this a nice way of him blowing me off? Should I just assume that he really does have a girl friend and he isn’t telling me the truth? I really like this guy which is extremely rare for me- I don’t usually have this kind of connection with guys . Any advice on what to do?

See our guy’s response after the jump!

Yeah, we live in the era of Dating 2.0, can get a complete snapshot of a guy’s life before even agreeing to a first date.

Even still, a Myspace doesn’t always tell the whole story. He could be in a long distance relationship that is falling apart fast and could be looking for an out – I am not saying that is right or good, but it’s a possible scenario. He may have recently broken up with his girl and just didn’t feel right changing the status. In fact, he might not even know that his status is set to “In a relationship.” Some guys really don’t care much about their online profiles (me included).

This is one of many reasons why I never list my relationship status online. There’s no reason to and, at worst, it makes people jump to conclusions.

With that said, the way you describe it sounds fishy. If you confront a guy about him possibly being with another girl, it tells me a few things:

1) You don’t trust him.
2) You don’t know him that well.
3) He will probably not stick around.

I hate to say it, but whenever a girl accused me of being with another girl when I wasn’t available I knew it was time to cut-off my contact with that girl. To guys it means that the girl is suspicious of us doing something bad. And I would say that always leads to trouble – trouble that we don’t want. Beyond that, it comes across as needy and insecure.

The guy is doing his thing. It’s possible that he’s with another girl. It might even be probable – I don’t know the guy personally and I only have a limited bit of information to work from. But that doesn’t mean you are in the right to confront him about anything he is doing in his life. I figure you would have mentioned it if he made any promises to you, such as being an exclusive couple or something like that.

Let me clarify the point though: I don’t think that there is anything wrong with asking him if he’s seeing other people. That is not a problem.

I do think the scenario you are describing is: He flakes on you and you “confront” him via text message and ask him if he’s with another girl. That scenario is a huge red flag from a guy’s point of view.

Now please don’t take what I have said so far as a criticism about you. I am being blunt, but I am trying to give you tough love and not sugarcoat my perspective.

You asked if this is his nice way of blowing you off. It might be, but there’s no reason to assume that it is… at least yet.

You also asked if you should just assume that he really does have a girlfriend and isn’t telling you the truth. I would say that you have reason to think that he might have a girlfriend, but there is no reason to assume. It would be better for you to just talk to him about it frankly. Something along the lines of, “Look, I really like you, but I am confused. Your Myspace profile says you’re in a relationship, what’s the deal?” He’ll give you his response and I trust that you’ll have enough instinct to know whether or not he’s lying. This is a conversation you should have in-person though, not over the phone or over text.

And please, if you are going to talk to him about it, don’t dramatize it. Casual is better. And for the love of God, don’t use the phrase: “We need to talk.” There is nothing more chillingly awful than a girl using that phrase – we translate it as, “I (the woman) am going to put you through hell for at least a couple of hours and you are NOT going to be able to get out of it.”

Here’s my recommendation on handling the situation:

First, get yourself in order. I realize that you really like this guy – that’s a good thing. However, you need to make sure that you don’t let your emotions carry you to a bad place. Try to step back and look at the situation rationally: He hasn’t made any promises to you and just because you like him there is no rule that says he has to act how you want him to. Keep things in perspective.

Make sure he is not your only option in terms of how you’re spending your time. Getting flaked on sucks, but it is way worse if you have absolutely no alternative to fall back on. Go easy on him and keep your interactions positive – if you feel the urge to confront him or pry into his life, step back and try your best to get a perspective on the situation.

Give yourself the chance to get to know who he really is. I can understand enjoying the charm and the fun of the beginning of a relationship. But if you don’t get to know the person underneath all of that, then chances are your suspicions are going to eat you alive.

Part of your suspicions might be your own fears (that have nothing to do with him) – those are your responsibility. On the other hand, if you feel you really do have concrete reasons to suspect he is lying to you, it is important to get an idea of who he really is in his life by talking with him and learning about him. It is a waste of time and emotion to assume and fear things about a person who you don’t know deeply. It’s much better to use that time being curious about him and being interested in learning about who he really is as a person.

- eric charles

{ 9 comments… add one }

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Bebelyn Gonzaga

Yeah, Thanks so much Eric. I am still in my hard time but i kept reading everything your sending and applying as hard as i get.
I hate my guy though i dont have choice for now i still love him i must just hold up my real feelings for some savings hoping for some bit positive changes.

Reply June 11, 2014, 8:12 pm

Amy

I disagree. The guy is being a flake. Move on. The guy answering these questions cannot admit that any male anywhere is wrong.. Extreme “bro code” sometimes guys (and chicks) are just flakey and they deflect anything wrong that they do unto you do you feel like a bag of crap for sticking up for yourself.

Reply October 3, 2013, 10:48 am

Courtney

Such good advice. I totally know where this girl is coming from, but Eric is totally right. Always better to keep things positive.

Reply November 13, 2012, 5:16 pm

mani

Hey Eric I love ur answer to the post…can I post my questions here or u have a blog?

Reply July 19, 2012, 12:59 am

Ashley Malin

Hey Eric, you’re such a BADASS. You know what’s up, and you know how to communicate that without being a jerk. Thanks for what you do sir, keep rockin!

Reply October 13, 2011, 8:03 pm

Eric Charles

Hehe, thanks Ashley. You rock too ;)

Reply October 13, 2011, 11:15 pm

deej

i would say to that last comment just leave him alone he will probably come back to you

Reply April 12, 2011, 10:40 am

marine

Easy to say.. talk to him but when he does not answer back or you don’t wanna feel needy by sending him at text, how do you do?

Reply April 5, 2011, 8:35 pm

dani

great advice

Reply January 23, 2011, 7:52 pm

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