Ask a Guy: He Doesn’t Chase Me Like Every Other Guy post image

Ask a Guy: He Doesn’t Chase Me Like Every Other Guy


I have been talking to this guy for about a month (I’m almost 21 and he’s almost 29). I can usually tell when a guy really likes me because he’ll basically suffocate me, but this guy is the extreme opposite. He “says” he wants a relationship with me, but thinks he is wasting his time because “it’s not mutual.” I just cant tell if he is sincere.

I admit I have been playing mind games (waiting a long time between texting him back, waiting for him to contact me first, not talking much about my feelings because I don’t want to come off too easy, etc.)

I want to be a challenge, but I also want to show him I’m interested. How can I tell if what this guy tells me is legit or if he is just wasting my time?

It sounds like you have some relationship experience and know how to push some buttons as well. And… it sounds like this guy (with 8 years more experience) probably has more experience than you.

I mean, if you think about it logically, the guy seems to be playing his cards right.  I admit that guys aren’t always as good as girls when it comes to picking up on what’s happening in a relationship, but if he happens to be somewhat perceptive he is picking up on some level that you’re playing mind games with him.

The question you have to ask yourself is what your motivation is for playing the mind games?  I’m not saying you’re doing anything wrong, but it’s going to help you if you can recognize the motivation behind your actions.

Is it that you’re afraid that if you make yourself available he’ll lose interest?  Is it that you think if you make yourself vulnerable he’ll hurt you?  You mentioned that you didn’t want to come across as “too easy”, so that’s part of the equation but there’s probably more.

If you’ve read even a portion of what I write on the site, you’ve probably seen me harp on and on about how neediness suffocates even good relationships. But let’s make a distinction:  Being available does not equal neediness.

Yes, I do recommend to women to make sure they’re lives are filled with rich social connections and things to do other than obsessing about the guy they’re interested in, but that’s mainly to keep them occupied and prevent them from obsessing.

I get the feeling that you’re on the other side of the fence:  You construct a barrier to keep people out so they can’t hurt you.  And then you push their buttons to make sure they stay chasing you. After all, if you can get the guys chasing you then you never have to worry about being abandoned or rejected.

The problem is that living this way is lonely.  Fortunately for the audience of the website I’ve bounced all over the spectrum in my dating life.  And I’ve experienced what it’s like to be the guy playing the mind games, keeping the wall up and making sure the girl is always chasing, always pleasing, always calling.

It’s a lonely existence.  It’s isolating and it’s tough to feel like anyone really knows you or really loves you because on some level you know that you’re manipulating them and you don’t know if they’re in love with the chase or with you for who you are.

Granted, I’m going a little deep here and who knows, maybe I’m off the mark.  But I’m willing to bet that some of this speaks to you.  Maybe all of it speaks to you, but regardless whether or not you see this as true about your experience what I’m about to say will probably make a lot of sense.

You have the opportunity to be with a guy that wants a relationship with you.  Not with your mind games.  Not with the chase.  He is saying he wants a relationship in spite of all that stuff.

Now granted, it’s a little scary, but opening yourself up to the possibility of that doesn’t sound like a bad thing.  You don’t strike me as typically behaving in a needy way, so just being able to relax a bit and let your guard down probably won’t hurt.

Things might turn out great… or not.  But you’re an adult, you can handle a little disappointment if it doesn’t come together.  It might even be good for you to have that experience if you’re used to having guys chasing and suffocating you with their own neediness.

I hope what I’m saying makes sense to you (and I why I focused on this and not on the guy).  The guy said he didn’t think the feeling about a relationship was mutual.  I promise you it’s because of the angle you’re coming from here – it wouldn’t hurt to take a different approach and open up a bit.

And for the record… I would bet the guy is legit, but he’s reserving himself for when you’re ready to relax and bit and let your guard down.

Hope it helps and good luck,

eric charles

14 comments… add one

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Mooshie

Eric I want your babies.

Reply March 13, 2015, 3:51 pm

Eric Charles

Lol… dunno if I can commit to that… but we can always practice.

Reply March 13, 2015, 4:22 pm

Melanie

To be honest I was a little skeptical when I first started browsing this site – I assumed it was just a marketing gimmick masquerading as a helpful e-zine. I couldn’t have been more wrong! To my surprise and elation I appear to have stumbled across a well put together collection of helpful and informative articles. Recounting your own personal experience and providing the alternate perspective on topics covered, your posts are so (scarily) relatable that I have gained a deeper level of insight and understanding of not only the ever complex psychology of romantic relationships, but also of my own past encounters and what I can learn from them. This has brought about the realisation that in spite of my vehement denial, my perception of the opposite sex has altered over time, becoming more distorted with every negative experience. My resulting atitude and behaviour towards men has changed which has only made matters worse by confirming my unhealthy belief system…. and so the cycle continues. It’s all starting to make sense in a way that I never thought possible without the hassle (and expense) involved with seeking professional help. Your advice is well written, well-meant, refreshingly honest and delivered succinctly, with tact and a twist of humour – thank you for taking the time to put this together – it has helped me in more ways than you know and I for one am truly grateful. 🙂

Reply January 26, 2015, 7:58 pm

Lenore

I know this article is a few years old, but I recently went through something with a man that you described being at one point. It seemed like he wanted me to do the chasing and would push my buttons. I know he had a very low self-esteem and major trust issues. I really liked the guy but getting to know the real him (he hid himself with hilarious sarcasm-one area that I loved) but it was frustrating for me trying to get past those barriers.

Finally after a couple of months, I decided for my own sanity, I had to walk away. I hated to but I feel like I was fighting a loosing battle. But I can’t help but ask myself: Was there something more I could have done?

What you said described him to a T. Even the making them do the chase so you won’t have to face rejection. Because I quit texting him (he hasn’t texted either) in the last week and a half (we use to text everyday, most of me initiating it), I feel bad that I have indirectly rejected him, which will only add to his low self-esteem. (Our last convo I prematurely had the discussion about a “relationship” with him and basically asked him if he would ever let his walls down for me to get to know him better. With him not texting me at all gave me my answer and I that’s when I decided I needed to let it go). Yes, I should be out enjoying singehood but I am a single mom who doesn’t have a lot of time to be out there mingling.

Absolutely love the site BTW!

Reply October 17, 2014, 12:55 pm

Mercedez Armendariz

I met this guy on a friendly camping trip, that night we kinda hit it off and spent the whole night together talking, some kissing but nothing else. The next day he gave me his number and kissed me and to text him later. So I waited till later that night and from then on out he was constantly texting me first and when we out go out it felt natural. Our very first date however he made it a point to tell me he didnt want a relationship and that he didnt want to be tied down two years from now (which took me off guard) however I told him we would just let it play out and see what happens no need to make plans for anything. So one night he comes over to my place and things get heavy but no sex happens he spends the night and from that night on he seemed very distant. A little before that there was some stuff going on with his career but it had been happening before that night. So we went from talking everyday to him rarely even contacting me. I want him to want me again or I just want to know how he feels. We have a mutal friend who told me his ex was quite the crazy and thats why he may not want a relationship but ive had my share of them as well so thats not a reason. Whats my next move to prove to him that not all girls are crazy and that he should really give me a chance.

Reply December 3, 2013, 1:51 am

Isabella

If a guy openly admits he is extremely attracted and wants you, and you admit the same and he offers his number to you, why would he not respond? And why would he not try to chase? The only text I sent said hey, this is my number and that was the last bit of contact and that was five days ago. ????

Reply March 14, 2013, 1:53 pm

rose

You’re like the mentalist I love it.

Reply July 26, 2012, 11:19 am

Eric Charles

Haha 😉

Reply July 27, 2012, 6:31 pm

Flint

So do you know of a guy’s version of this site?

Reply July 30, 2012, 6:00 am

sven

Women must understand that being available and chasing the guy does not necessarily kills his attraction.Unlike women,men do not loose interest too quickly,there are much more factors at play here.

Reply July 2, 2012, 4:32 am

Rks

Hi,

I needed some advice.
I met this guy at my cousin’s wedding last week. We first met at the engagement party and he spent the night looking at me and smiling shyly. He was playing the drums (Indian stuff) which he was pretty amazing at.
Hes really cute and he asked my eldest sister who I was, and she told him that’s my younger sister and he said he would keep playing the drums as long as I was dancing.
I spent the whole night dancing with family and friends although I didn’t know what he said until the end of the night and we kept making eye contact throughout the night.
We spoke at the end of the night although i was a little tipsy and he asked how good he was a playing the drums and me and my sisters were all like you was amazing and he just looked at me smiling and we left saying goodbye.

The next day we had to go to the brides house, and when I walked in he was already there and he looked at me like he lost his breathe which i thought was quite funny since he was talking to a relative who he completely blanced as he was looking at me.

Finally on the wedding day we didn’t have a chance to speak at all although we kept making eye contact.
A few days after the wedding I added him in Facebook and found that he’s 21 (soon to be 22) and I’m 18. He accepted me but hasn’t spoken or anything at all -_-
It’s been about a week, a friend of mine told me poke him or like a pic or something to show I’m interested so i liked a pic of him. But I’m too weirded out to message him or say anything. I was hoping he would message me. He seems really sweet and nice, but I have no idea how to get him to talk to me, it’s really annoying lol

Please help xx

Reply June 12, 2012, 4:08 pm

Sofia

Hi Eric! Thank you for all your insightful articles, it’s not easy being in the date world – and things can go from super-fun to super-messy before we realize it. So having you ‘decoding’ what we sometimes lack perspective to see is like a breath of fresh air! I do have a question for you…what happens when it’s too late? When a good thing got messed up and even though it’s over, you can’t shake the feeling that it’s not, and I know for him it’s not over as well. Should I just tell that to the guy I was with? Would that be too desperate? Is it ever too late to do something?

Reply November 11, 2011, 8:10 am

Eric Charles

Thanks Stef – I always like to hear that. And thanks for recommending my stuff, I appreciate it a lot.

Reply August 25, 2011, 7:13 pm

Stef

Hi Eric, Just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your articles and your brilliant, honest, insightful opinions. You touch on these topics so accurately and I know many women, experienced with relationships or not, can take your lessons and advice and apply them to their lives just as I am doing with mine. You have helped me understand myself and how the men I date think and act. I am proudly recommending your articles to my friends. You’re the best! THANK YOU!

Reply August 25, 2011, 3:07 pm

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