A Guy’s Take on Being on a Break post image

A Guy’s Take on Being on a Break


Editor’s Note: A little while back, I was having a conversation online with a close guy friend of mine about “breaks.” As we learned from Ross on Friends, the rules of being on a break can get murky and may wind up costing you your entire relationship. Being on a break is different for men and women because men and women are very different when it comes to relationships in general… a fact any ANM reader knows well by now. The conversation I was having with my friend got so interesting and enlightening, I asked him to elaborate further on the subject and took our exchange and turned it into an entire article. Let the enlightening begin…

Whenever a guy says he wants a “break” or some time to just “chill for a bit,” it usually means he’s feeling stressed of overwhelmed by the relationship and needs time to work things out on his own. Even if the problems aren’t overt, he may be feeling unhinged about some aspect of the relationship, oftentimes it’s by the fact that the relationship is getting more serious.

Whether he officially says he needs space or he just disappears, this situation usually causes problems in the relationship because a guy and a girl will see it in two totally different ways.

The guy just sees it as him needing time to work through some issues he’s having. The girl will usually see it as some kind of rejection or abandonment and will go into crisis mode. She’ll obsess over what she might have done to push him away and will try to devise some plan to get him back.

In my opinion, breaks are usually a big sign of trouble. However, it is possible for things to go back to normal as long as both people use the break time properly. The point of it should be to figure out why certain problems are arising in the relationship and to decide if they’re fixable. It’s also a good chance for both people in the relationship to focus on themselves for a bit. In a relationship it’s easy to let other areas of your life slip away and a break is a good time to re-build those areas.

A guy will usually spend this time trying to get back on his A-game. Maybe he’ll go to the gym, maybe he’ll go out with his friends, maybe he’ll devote himself to his job, anything to make him feel like he’s back on top. While he’s working on putting himself back together, the worst thing his girl can do is fall apart and burden him with constant texts and questions. This will only make him feel pressured and he’ll pull away even more.

I did the break thing with a girlfriend and she accused me of being cold because I didn’t want to get into deep emotional discussions about the relationship. I wasn’t trying to be cold, I just wanted to focus on me. We had already had the sad emotional conversation when we decided to go on the break… what’s the point of having it over and over again?

If a guy seems cold and aloof during break time, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. Guys are just wired differently and handle stressful situations differently, this does not include talking about the problem for most men.

So what should a girl do when her guy wants to take a break?

First off, let it be. Just give him the space he needs to deal with his issue and focus on other things in the meantime. Even if he is going through a hard time, just leave it alone and let him handle it on his own. It’s not that

You also can’t bug him for reassurance that he’s gonna come back and the relationship will resume. Instead, use that time to focus on other areas of your life.

Just make sure you keep your confidence in check. Confidence is a huge turn on for a guy and whether you’re a guy or a girl, you always want what you can’t have. Have confidence that even if this relationship doesn’t work out, you will find another that will. And don’t cling to this guy like a life-raft.

If he feels sure that you’ll be there whenever he’s ready to come back, he can take all the time he needs. Don’t let yourself get walked on and don’t let him string you along…he wants that…it makes him feel secure…and it does nothing but prolong your hurt in the process. This is especially true if you stay in touch over this break and continue to see each-other, and maybe even hook up, from time to time. The best thing to do is quit cold turkey.

If it’s meant to be, he’ll come back on his own. In the meantime, go about your life and try to enjoy it without him in it. Keep your options open (you don’t necessarily have to go on dates with other guys, but stay open to the possibility of another guy being the right one for you) and don’t make the break all about him, you are an equal in the relationship and also deserve to take time to figure out what you want and need.

If either you or he decide to pull the plug for good, try and make it a clean break. Even though you probably have his number memorized, delete it. Not seeing it when you’re flipping through your phone will help initiate the healing process. Even though you may not want to, if you pretend long enough to be cold-hearted and distant with him, you’ll slowly find yourself getting over it. It’s okay to be hurt, but at a certain point you need to get mad…that’s normal too…and at that point you’ll realize the juice just isn’t worth the squeeze.

——

So tell us readers, what do you think about breaks? Can they save a relationship, or are they a sign that a break-up is a right around the bend? Tell us in comments.

– SABRINA

83 comments… add one

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Ashleigh

My boyfriend of 7 months (I know a short time) decided that he wanted a break (or time apart) just over 2 weeks ago.. He mentioned that he was feeling pressured in the relationship and I had been inconsiderate about his schedules (work and part time football) which I admit thinking back now and wishing I could have done things differently.. He had been telling everyone (families and friends) that we are just on a break for him to figure out if this is truly what he wants and wants me to do the same but he is directly telling me to let go and move on and he doesn’t feel the same way anymore.. I know it’s pretty obvious but why doesn’t he just break it off completely instead of telling me we needed time apart and a break is just time off to come back together and start again.. Really confused as I don’t want to move on and I feel like walking away from him is the hardest thing I would ever have to do in my life.. ?

Reply August 26, 2015, 6:44 am

Kayleigh

I just entered the Break Zone with my 2yr relationship and i certainly felt abandoned and for sure that he had been thinking it for a while. He said he wanted to focus on his job and college work for a few months that he didn’t want to delete things because he doesn’t want things to be over. But i feel that with my luck, it will be. Not that it’s good to think that. He wants me to become more Independant which i have been working on already but I for over a week, i could barely get past small talk because late shifts and his long sleeping took up all the time. All i asked was for was a phone call when he could and he never did when he had plenty of time to be on facebook all morning.
I do feel like its a good chance to work on myself but I don’t want things to end… but im scared that it will because of the seperation.
but anyway, this article has helped me for the future [next fews days] when ive stopped eating the comfort food.

Reply August 19, 2015, 11:34 am

Kate

I’ve been seeing a guy who has been having troubles with his career development. He said he needed time away from everyone in order to figure himself out. I told him it was a good idea and since then I haven’t heard from him. It’s been a week and he used to call me 3-5 times a day. I’m giving him his space but I’m not sure if I should reach out to him. He’s still actively on social media and posts things regularly so I know he’s still alive but I guess I’m wondering if it’s okay to reach out.

Reply August 5, 2015, 4:17 pm

Home and Child Involved.

please someone out there give me advice. my boyfriend and I have been together 4 years now living together for 2. we are both in out late 20’s. we had a very rocky start to our relationship because we were young, he was immature and he wasn’t sure he even wanted to even be in a relationship from the start. He moved passed that and we got serious he started giving me what I thought was a 100% I thought we were heading in a good direction to eventually being married and starting a family. I have a son from a previous (fathers not involved at all) and since we’ve been together he’s been an amazing person to my son but fought with ever wanting to be a stepdad. we’ve been through our fair share of drama. a lot having to do with him not being at the same place I was in the relationship so he’d treat it so. immaturely. not involving me in his life the way I involved him, in the beginning he treated me more like a joke but I saw past the not caring attitude because I knew he cared and it was more of front for his friends. I’m not tooting my own horn I swear, but he’ll even admit it was all his fault and that I’ve never been the source of the drama. I’m the type of girl that’s constantly doing anything and whatever to make him happy. I don’t think I’m perfect because I obviously have this huge flaw of mine I’m an absolute people pleaser, but that’s what makes me happy..
Anyway, back to issue at hand lately I really thought we were happy! every part of our relationship has been great! I fought for this relationship for so long and I thought I finally got it out of him to realize what he had in front of him. I really thought he finally was giving me and my son that 100% we deserve and thought our next step was a huge commitment. but instead he approached me 4 days ago and said we needed to figure what we’re doing because he has never given me a 100% and never would…so he brought up the breaking up conversation. I love this man more than anything (besides my son). but I stewed on it for a few days and came to terms with it even though I’m deeply in love with him. we talked again last night I told him that this was the end and I couldn’t be with him if he doesn’t want me the way I want him and cant be with him who if he’s never going to give me and my son 100%.(which sucks because I thought he was…) after I told him my final decision and asked a few questions about the logistics of how to break up having a home together. he turned it around and said never mind I cant do this right now I’m not ready to let this go. we’ll figure out another way. his other way is taking a “break” to see if he can give me the 100% he wants to give me. he thinks doing something drastic like taking a break will help us. I’m not convinced…. my question to you guys is
1. what are logistics of taking a break when you live together and a child is involved?
2. and should I even be giving him the chance to “see” if he really wants to be us 100% ?? because he’s saying this is the way he’ll know if he can be with me forever. I didn’t feel in a rut and I am happy with him, but I guess he is a rut.
3. could this actually work or should counseling be a first option?

– not sure how to handle this one. any advice would be nice. I really do love this guy so much, I’ve given him the 100% and everything I had since day one. is it worth one last shot or is this a cop out and he’s just using this a slow way to break up anyway? he swears he wants to make this work and be able to give me 100% and the life I want with him, but this is solution to making that happen…

Reply July 28, 2015, 4:11 pm

Jasmine

Hi guys I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years since we have been 16 I am now 26 we have 2 kids together and we have been lacking comminication and respect for each other. A few days ago he decided that he needs a break and moved to another state. He says he still loves me and wants to be with me but feels that we need this time apart to fix this. This is the first time ever we have been apart. I am confused hurt and don’t know if this is the end . Is there still hope or will he give up on the relationship . I love him more than a anything amd he says he can never be with anyone else but I feel as if he is wanting to shut me out and maybe move on

Reply July 28, 2015, 9:50 am

Maria

I broke up with my lover 3 months ago and it was horrible and I fell sick because I could not stand the heart break, everything was so confusing and frustrating, I searched for help but could only get one source robinsonbuckler on the Internet I was scared before but I had no option so I gave it a try and behold he restored my relationship after 3 days, it was unbelievable, I was amazed that my boyfriend became mine again. If you in need of urgent help to get your lover back contact robinsonbuckler@ yahoo. Com he will save your relationship

Reply July 25, 2015, 2:56 pm

Alesia

I just want to make sure everything is ok this is what he said to me (Good morning, I’m sorry I haven’t been saying a whole lot lately. I’ve just been trying to keep to myself and do some thinking. The truth is I’m really overwhelmed right now with everything and it’s keeping me stressed out. That being said I think I really need a break from things. And I know that’s the most selfish thing I can say, because you’ve been nothing short of awesome to me and the girls. It’s just something I need to do for myself so I can be better and not have all of these up and down moments. So I think it would be best if for right now we broke things off for a while. By no means am i saying we’re done forever, god knows I do care alot about you, I just want the time to myself so I can really commit. I’m truly sorry alesia, because I know this message is going to break your heart, and that’s the last thing you deserve and it’s the last thing I would want to do to you. But as I said for right now I think it’s for the best. I’m really sorry.)

Reply July 22, 2015, 2:04 pm

Melissa

So i just got out of a 8 year but really bad relationship and i started dating someone else we have been dating for 3 months and almost 2 weeks ago things started getting a little weird we were glued to the hip for two months straight. Everything was perfect he said all the right things he told me he was the luckiest man in the world because he had me but after my breakup I lost everything my house and my job. I feel horrible I have never been in this situation and now my boyfriend is starting to be distant said he needs to focus on work since he slacked the last 2 months. I feel like since I lost everything now he is pushing me away also he says its not me it’s him but it’s hard to believe that and even though its only been 3 months I fell in love with him so yes I do tell him I love him but he doesn’t say it back I think I may be moving too fast for him because he is also just got out of a relationship of 3 years. But I cannot help my feelings for him he’s perfect to me he treating me like nobody ever has. I don’t know what to do somebody please help me I am over emotional can’t sleep at night I text him and don’t get a response he called me his girlfriend introduced me to his family and friends and now when I went to kiss him he turned his cheek and says he doesn’t want to lead me on what kind of BS is that I don’t know what to do somebody please respond. He does have to work a lot have hours 6 to 7 days a week and barely gets time to eat anything so it makes them grouchy and tired I feel so bad and even though I’m going through my own issues I would think we should be there for each other because that is what people do when they care about one another

Reply July 18, 2015, 6:14 am

confused

Hi there, my boyfriend of 4 years has decided to break up with me because he wants to join the army. Which i am being supportive over. He just thinks that it will be better if i move on. But i dont want to. Hes been a huge part of my life and i get that he is trying to be noble but this is actually physically and mentally destroying me right now. He said that he is confused and just needs to get his life sorted and that he still loves me and we can have a future together but just not right now. He is also very insecure and suffering from some depression. He feels like he is never worthy of anything but i just want him to try and stay with me then he can have the best of both worlds… be with me and have a caree he wants. Im not exactly sure why he is joining, i feel like he is just trying to prove to either himself or someone else that he is capable. Im just lost and confused he said to give him some time but i feel like the more time i give the more time he will enjoy life without me… any advice would be amazing.

Reply July 17, 2015, 1:49 am

Nika

Hello. If you love him that much to stay with him no matter what. Your doing good! Having a mate go to the army is emotional. Best advice. If he no longer want to continue the relationship. Try being a Friend. Still support him etc. But be respectful of his decision. Have confidence with or without him. Have understanding that the career chosen has many mixed emotions when in a relationship.

Reply July 26, 2015, 2:02 am

ana

Me n my bf broke up its been 4 weeks he texted me the first day after are brake up since that we dirrint had contact then I was cleaning around n I found some papers of his so I send him a email since then we been sending emails it got to a point that he told me he needs time to clear his mind
I need advice what should I do now

Reply June 15, 2015, 2:19 am

Andrea

my boyfriend and I were together for 3 years. The moment we met, before we even said a single word to each other, we had fallen madly in love. He was 23, and I was 27. Biiiig difference looking back on it now..
He’s now 26, and I’m 30. Biiiiig difference as well..
Our relationship was beautiful for the first year, then we moved to a different state together and we lost our individual independence. We became so reliant on each other that we sucked each others happiness out. He was a man who told me he already made the commitment of marriage to me. He was a man whose triplets I miscarried our second year in our relationship. He’s the man who has been talking about marriage and babies and buying a house lately. 1 week ago today, he told me he couldn’t be with me anymore and he wasn’t happy. That he has changed so much, and he needed to find himself. We Live Together, and the lease is up July 1st. The fact that we have to empty that house out together of all of our belongings kills me. I’m meeting him today for the first time since our separation. We are going to the bank to separate our account. how am I supposed to be strong in front of him today, when the last two days I’ve been experiencing the horror of a miscarriage. I didn’t even know I was pregnant. I have a doctors appointment on Monday, and if we had not broken up, I would still be eating I wouldn’t be drinking I wouldn’t be smoking and I would be sleeping. I miscarry this baby because of my behavior. do I even tell him?

Reply May 28, 2015, 10:03 am

kate

I remember lying in my room when I was in high school and writing in a journal to my future husband. I’d write all sorts of notes and questions and things I’d wonder or ask this man when I eventually met him. I would wonder where he was and what he was doing and if he was thinking about me too. It has always been such a strong desire in my heart to find a wonderful man to marry, someone who would love me and cherish me and appreciate me for the person I am. I always thought I would get married right out of college, just like my parents, so when that plan didn’t work out, I started to get discouraged. A school mate snatched my future husband away from my arms just because she had spiritual powers, all hope was lost to me before i came across the help doctor (prayerstosaverelationship@yahoo.com) who i confided in, i told him my long story and he helped me regain back my lover with his prayers which is now my husband today. if you have any problem email the help doctor (prayerstosaverelationship@yahoo.com).

Reply May 27, 2015, 11:42 pm

Nancy

My boyfriend of 2 years also said he needed a break after things got serious. Seems like a weird pattern here in the messages. Anyway, we’re about a week in and I haven’t contacted him at all and do think he’s trying to work stuff out and all that … but I can’t imagine what our relationship could be after he does. I mean, if we couldn’t work it out together then isn’t that the whole problem? And how can I ever trust that he won’t abruptly pick up and leave again? I don’t know – I know many many couples that have broken up and gotten back together, even married, but I just wonder how the person who on the receiving end of a break ever feels the same?

Reply May 17, 2015, 12:15 am

shannon

OMG, these are my exact thoughts! If I am feeling like this, will I ever completely trust that he wont up and leave again when another rough time comes along.

Reply June 2, 2015, 7:07 pm

Kate

I am going through the same thing. My boyfriend of 6 years initiated a break out of the blue this week. He just said he needed “space” and to work on himself. Should I be concerned? He says once he has a clear head we can talk about if this is what we really want.

Plus, could I trust him? What if we get back together and he does the same thing in another 6 years. I am not sure what exactly to think. This has been the haters week ever.

Reply June 18, 2015, 7:25 pm

CantTell

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 9 months now, we been knowing each other since last year and iv really fallen for this guy hard. He was everything my exs wasnt. I was so happily in love all my friends were so happy and i felt like the happiest girl alive, until my assumption got the best of me and i thought he was cheating when he wasnt. So he felt as if i didnt trust him which i do but he doesn’t see that so asked for a break but i dont want one, life without him im a wreck i cant stand the fact that he wants one. It kills me and its eating me alive because i feel like he doesn’t want me or he will break up with me.. Please help me what i should do

Reply May 5, 2015, 9:04 pm

BP

Hi Sabrina,

My boyfriend took a break (not yet break up)with me for a view days ago. We had almost 4 years relationship but we had in the last 1 year either a small or big fight, although it was only a small problems it became so big. He told me that he needs time to think about his feeling, if he loves me or he is only dependency with me. I am now on the phase 30 days NO CONTACT with him. But after these 30 days, how I can begin the conversation with him? because if these 30 days is over and he doesn’t give me the final answer, what should I do? and how I know that he still loves me? thank you very much..

Reply May 5, 2015, 2:59 am

lauren

So im in the middle of dealing with the “i need space” thing. I dated this guys for a yr and we broke up after i said some very hurtful and untrue things during a time i had a lot going on. We ended up still seeing each other and i was open to trying to fix it and he said hed try but couldnt b for sure if hed take me back (even though we spent most of the time together and it felt like things were getting better)…. weve been doing this dance for almost 10 months and the day after my birthday he says he needs time to work on himself and focus on his new job new apartment this weekens hes moving to and a new group of friends because hes used to being a loner when there is change. As well as seeing if the space will make him miss me. Its been 2 weeks since we last talked and im really struggling with this. Mostly because i feel confused on how he feels for me when hell say things like im the type of person hed marry but he also struggles wanting to b together after how i hurt him Or things like im his support system and go to person to talk to. Or if i dont want anything with u then i dont want it with someone else n later says i eventually wanna experience being with other girls. Im so stressed because i put all my cards on the table about how i feel for him and wat he means to me but it felt like he seen it as me trying to juat say nice things about him rather than y ive fallen in love with him.i dont know what to do because i dont wanna b hurt. He says maybe ill find someone with qualities i like better but i dont like the idea of letting go of someone i know i want to b with forever. I want to wait for him even though i know i could still end up being let down but i just dont know how to b okay with not knowing what he wants. Im really struggling here because he was my support to, the one who always knew wat i was feeling and now i dont have that which makes me scared because im starting my doctorate in a cpl months and without him idk if i can back myself when things get tough.

Reply April 27, 2015, 8:17 am

lauren

Also its hard to keep faith while trying to wait when he tells u not to wait, that he doesnt know if hell want to b with me and that he doesnt know how much time it will take. Please someone give me aome advice. every other day ia a different feeling from accepting it to being ok with the situation, to crying and feeling like i screwed this up because of wat i said a yr ago

Reply April 27, 2015, 8:26 am

Michelle

Put yourself in his shoes. If a guy said some hurtful and untrue things to you and then tried to make up for them how would you feel? Would you be willing to just jump right back in like nothing ever happened? You probably were someone he could have married but now after what you said has a hard time trusting you.

Reply April 27, 2015, 4:45 pm

lauren

Yea I mean I understand why he has reservations especially cuz he had a relationship with a girl who cheated on me before he was with me. And I know what I did hurt him deeply because it was so unexpected and out of the blue. Im just ao faithfully in this relationship that i dont wanna lose it and i dont know what to do

Reply April 27, 2015, 8:43 pm

Sam

Hi Lauren….this is sooooo weird!! I feel like you just told my story! I see u posted this in May, how are things now?

My story is Exactly like yours and I’m devastated..I’m beating myself up…and the pain is just unbearable!

I don’t understand how this pain will pass one day!!? I feel like I’ll never be the same without him…and the thought of getting over him makes me even more devastated because I can’t picture my future without him in it!!!!

It’s hurts so bad that it affects my physical body…my stomach hurts, my chest aches and I’m not trying to be dramatic but I googled if someone could die from a broken heart because everyday that passed, I felt like I was dying!

His exact words were “I just need time for myself, I’m not asking you to wait for me and I’m still hopeful that we’ll work things out but I just need time..”

I threw all of my pride right out of the window as I begged and pleaded for him to change his mind, and let us work through it together..but he didn’t budge….
I feel like someone died, I feel like I’ve lost my best friend forever and I blame myself..

If I shall ever get over this feeling of loss and pain, I vow to never love any one this hard EVER AGAIN! Because I may go over the edge next time!

June 28, 2015, 3:53 pm

Catt

Michelle you are so right on. I said some hurtful things to my bf too because he was back and forth with our relationship. He wanted to get married but 3 words have taken a huge toll on him. I told him I hated him during his space time. I wont lie, he wanted me to hang out on the side lines while he decided what he wanted. I said no, I am not waiting nor am I coming back to you. Now he is worried about what I do every day but I am having no contact. I feel so much better, a huge weight has been lifted. I no longer focus on how he’s feeling, I focus on myself. I did apologize whole heartedly for the things I said but you can only say your sorry so many times. I believe True love prevails so don’t worry if he says he needs a break, if he really loves you, he will return. If he doesnt, you are better off with someone else.

Reply August 19, 2015, 5:12 pm

Shana

OMG! Can somebody please send a miracle my way. Lauren and Sam, I can totally relate. I mean, I just spent the night last Monday at my bf’s house. He flew out the next morning to CA for work. Well, barely heard from him Tuesday and I knew he must’ve been busy. Didn’t hear from him all day Wednesday and Thursday. Tried to reach out to him Friday because I knew he was supposed to be back that afternoon. He wasn’t answering and he wasn’t responding to my text messages. I tried to call and was getting the voicemail every single time after two rings. So I googled it and tried to see if I was blocked. Sure enough, it was. I called from my home phone and was able to get more rings. He called the number back in the morning becuase I guess he didn’t recognize it. Well, I knew he had plans and what not to go off roading with his son. Well, Saturday I had somewhere to be and I finally got a text message from him after Lord knows how long. He said he’s driving and just wants to be left alone with his son. I was taken aback because this was coming from the same man who wanted me to move in with my son and make it a home together. I still don’t know why he was in a bad mood. Throughout the day, I was checking up on them, but he still wasn’t responding. The next day, I messaged him again making sure they were alright on the road. He said he would message me and he did here and there, but very short. So I tried calling that night and again the two rings and voicemail happened. So I called from my house phone and left a voicemail. He messaged me saying I wasn’t blocked and why can’t I just give him space. So I responded saying I understand wanting space. But I’m here for him. The next day, I messaged him asking if I can ask him a questions. At this point, I’m a mess. I don’t eat, barely sleep, I’m losing weight, etc. It’s taking a toll on my body completely. Well, I aksed him “Are we together?” He responded saying yes, but he’s working through things right now and he just needs a break. What does that mean?!? I told him I don’t know what’s going on, but I hope it all goes smoothly. All he has to do is ask if he needs anything. That’s what I’m here for. And he thanked me. Later on, I messaged him asking if he’s still alive, no reponse. Then again saying “hang in there. good night.” No response. Tried calling, two rings and voicemail. HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m losing my mind. I’m not crazy, but he’s closing me out and won’t open up to me.

Reply August 4, 2015, 8:22 am

Jordana

My boyfriend of 2 and a half years just told me he wanted space and just be friends for awhile bc he’s tired of investing so much time into me and he wants to work on himself and his career. How long does a break usually last? It’s been a month already and he is still cold and aloof.

Reply April 24, 2015, 11:15 am

Chris

Omg… Exact same thing here.

He texted me twice… And i answer him, but there is no way i’m startinf a conversation with him. I suggest you try to do stuff, hang out with friends and try not to be so dependant on him… Because for all we know, these guys can either come back OR go away

Reply June 18, 2015, 2:02 am

Fed up

My bf and I have been together for 2years and we have been through a lot of bs most of our problems come from arguments and him running back to his ex’s and I feel really disrespected whenever he is mad he leaves he won’t come home and I won’t hear from him unless I call or text him it’s like I can see him or talk to him on his own time not when I want too this is getting really old and I feel like I have to beg pled and chase him down just to say hi. That’s not fair I feel devastated I even went to jail behind his ex

Reply April 23, 2015, 10:14 pm

Ali

This article was excellent, but it makes it harder when there’s kids involved! I was trying to go cold turkey and only have communication when the kids are around, but it didn’t work ????
So any suggestions when there’s kids involved?

Reply April 21, 2015, 11:28 pm

Jordan

I have no idea how that’s gonna work with kids, it seems impossible. I am going through this now, the person needs a break but wants to sleep in another room. How can that possibly work? Should I just go with the flow….should I just end it!!!!!!

Reply August 18, 2015, 3:41 pm

Winona

This really helped a lot,i am going through a “break” right now he suggested we can still text but i decided it’s better not it’s only been around 3 days but this is the first time so it feels really long . I think it depends on the reason from which the “break” started if the guy is willing to be with that girl and adjust and fix those problems a breakup won’t be in the picture but if he is afraid of being serious and emotional or other major issues like he thinks he will hurt her they might end up breaking up . So basically it depends on the people and their problems that caused this break but a break can also be refreshing and can remind you of the many things you missed out on

Reply April 20, 2015, 9:56 am

meghan

I have been dating an incredible girl for a while. We had both fallen head over heels and had never been happier. We had even talk about our future together and talked about marriage. Things were great! Better than ever.
She’s a college coach and her season began mid-February and she began to get super overwhelmed with balancing a relationship and work. She texted me one morning and told me that “we need to take a break” until her season is over, but she reassured me that it had nothing to do with how she felt about me, as she still “loves me with all her heart.”
Her season ends at the end of this month, but I’m petrified she won’t reach back out to me or that she’s moved on or that she’s happier without me. We haven’t talked in two months (definition of going cold turkey) and I’m scared and I’m hurt. I’ve given her all the space, I only reached out to her to wish her a happy birthday, but that’s it. I hurt and I just hope and pray she’ll come back to me..

Reply April 6, 2015, 2:05 pm

Girlygirl

i have a problem right now, me and my bf have been dating for a year and 3 months yesterday we talked and said he wants a break to sort things out, 2 student loans he has to pay, and he is on the edge of loosing his house too, anyways on friday we talked for 3 hours on the phone and then he came over my house ( one hour ride ) he said he loves me and cares about me and no one else has his attention but he needs to figure out some stuff before coming back to me, he told me that he feels confident about our love and that we will be together again, it has been only a day but i miss him so much and the funny part is that most of the issues i had to fix are fixed other than that is just school which will be over in 3 weeks and i only have one final, i feel in the limbo i love him and i dont know how to take it, i was thinking on giving him 3 days and then contact him to see if we can see each other but again i do not wanna pressure him into anything, please help! How long is the break supposed to be? Also we agreed that we were not going to see other people at all because we knew we were gonna be together again is just a matter of space and time.

Reply April 5, 2015, 4:02 pm

Mick

This might be weird, but I need help.
I’m in a relationship with this guy. He was my ex from 3-4 years ago, and we hooked up on New Yrs this year, then “made it official” in Feb. I knew i didnt want or need to be in a relationship, but I talked to my friend about it. She said YOLO. So I said YOLO.

So now we’re together, & man I really don’t wanna be in this relationship. Or at least, I think I don’t. See, the problem with me is, I can’t tell whether Im pushing someone away, or whether I genuinely don’t want to be with soneone.

He’s so beautiful, loving, caring, everything i’ve wanted, but I’m SO losing feelings for him. We don’t have sex anymore, I’ve become more & more uncomfortable around him, and I find myself happier when I’m away from him. He’s not the problem, though. It really is me. I’ve been through a traumatic series of events shortly before and during our relationship, and Im pretty sure I was just using him.

I want to be with this guy, but I feel like I’m being caged. I don’t wanna lose him, but it’d be selfish of me to not break up with him, right? Or at least a break, to see if this is what I really want? I love him, & don’t wanna hurt his feelings, cuz he’s going through atough time right now too. It’d be selfish of me to leave him at a time like this too. I’M SO CONFUSED.

Reply March 28, 2015, 1:27 pm

Tyree Vinson

For me its the opposite lol. I told my bf I need a break Cuz I’m tits deep in college work and job. We both love each other but I’m so much happier and less stressed, I let him have a fck buddy too. If I had a fck buddy it’d prob be a girl lol 😉

Reply March 15, 2015, 9:22 pm

Isabelle

My ex boyfriend broke up with me in September 2014..I warn you it’s a long story for you to understand what happened.. In August sadly I came to the decision to have an abortion as I want ready. He left me with no excuse accept he needs time to himself and now he just needs to make himself happy because he isn’t with himself.. Weeks went by and I was contacting him but getting ignored until he agreed to go to the movies.. That one night to the movies turned into our routines of seeing eachtoher in the weekends.. Because in the back of my mind I knew we weren’t together there was tension.. I had lashed out a few times asking whata going on and every time it was the same answer as he cant have the responsibility of a relationship right now.. We have dated for 2 years and I loved him so I was willing to hold onto the little bit that I could.. I agreed we could be friends being on the same page focusing on our selfs as I support him… We spent the Christmas holidays together.. He got me a card and wrote ‘another year spent spent with the one love’ we had still had ups and downs.. Months went by and nothing had changed… I got frustrated with anger and said things that were hurtful.. I felt like after my abortion my life had crashed… I felt like this is why he left me … It’s a horrible feeling to live with… Well.. It’s now March 2015… I asked again if we were on the same page as I see him go clubbing with his sister and her friend of course he didn’t tell me.. It just hurt because I had a bond with his sis and I didn’t get invited so I wanted to clear the air.. I told him I wouldn’t be supportive to a liar.. Well he message back and said he couldn’t do this anymore and how it was over a long time ago.. Plain cold… I was apologizing.. And he was saying no im done here… It was so heartbreaking because just a week ago I had asked if he was keeping me around because he stil had feelings and his response was ‘do I have feelings, yes!’ And now this.. Right after he sent the message saying he didn’t want IT, he comments in a girls instagram pic she said ‘about to flood your newsfeed with pics of me’ and he goes ‘bring it in missy;)’ like 3 hour after everything.. I don’t understand.. Is he talking to her.. He never comments on pics.. And when he does it’s never like that… She post another recently and he comments again ‘beautiful’ im torn….. I have a feeling.. I could be wrong but I can’t see him commenting like that to a random…. They have eachtoher as well on fb…..well a day went by with no contact (which I’m horrible with) scared he will only lose more feelings for me and I disappointed myself and messages him.. Asking if he hated me.. He said he didn’t and goodnight.. Very rude.. I told him I can’t lose my best friend.. Went on about how he brings happiness in my life and his response was ‘we can be friends maybe one day but right now we need time apart anyways im going to bed have a goodnight.’ And I asked straight is there somebody else? And he goes ‘omg no goodnight’ I was hurt he was so cold..he never use to be like this… So I left it at that.. I need help because I Lost who I am… I can’t thjnk straight.. I miss him.. I feel like I lost him forget and the damage is done… I desperately ask for help …..

Reply March 13, 2015, 3:16 am

teriam

I think u r pressuring him by asking him alot
U r a cute person but u have to give him the space he needs to figure things out,, just let him decide, be independent and act like u dont care so he will Chace you don’t ask him about every step he takes as he will ignore you by time and feel like he cant act normally
Give him space, let him think and have his freedom for a while and he will come back to you
I know that u love him and it is obvious but u got to stay strobg and hold yourself :)

Reply March 13, 2015, 1:52 pm

Michelle

So I have to ask you said you came to the decision to have an abortion. Was it his baby? Did you dicuss it with him or did you just tell him that was what you were going to do? Also when he went clubing with his sister and her friend but didn’t tell you. Were the two of you together? He would have no reason to tell you if you were no together. What do you mean you wouldn’t support a liar what did he lie about? Was there an agreement if he went somewhere he would tell you? If not then he didn’t lie to you. I am sure he does have feelings for you but not the ones needed for a relationship. I had a guy I was with everything was going good but I was to needy and then one day he was like I am not looking for a relationship right now I just got out of a 3 year realationship but I kept trying to make it work somehow, even though he did say I am someone he would live the rest of his life with and had feelings for me. It came to a point that what he was doing to be was stringing me along for sex and that was pretty much it but I am better than that and now we are just friends with no benefits. P.S. I know what it is like to live through an abortion.

Reply April 27, 2015, 4:59 pm

Cindy

I had been with my boyfriend for slightly more than 3yrs and a week ago he moved some of his stuff out of my apt. He says he needs time apart to figure things out. The most confusing part about all of this is that he repeatedly told me that night that he is happy when we’re together, that he loves me and loves our relationship and that he wouldn’t change anything about the relationship. But for some reason he can’t see a future together and he can’t figure out why that is. What does that mean? How does someone figure something like that out? He still texts me and calls and we have seen each other since the split but what are the chances he doesn’t come back? I’m still having trouble processing everything, how does someone love and love the relationship but can’t picture marriage?

Reply February 25, 2015, 1:49 pm

tatania

Maybe he get used to your love and Tge relationship between both of you,, but if someonein love he should picture marriage,, this is abnormal, give him space and don’t ask him about anyth this period and after that everyth will be obvious whether he wants to stay or move,, he already moved some stuff maybe he needs it or he already planned to move from you
Time will make everyth obvious
Good luck :)

Reply March 13, 2015, 1:58 pm

SouthernGal

This is helpful. He asked me a few nights ago if we were going to make it. He felt like things were getting too serious. I reassured him it wasn’t too serious, that we weren’t engaged or moving in and tried to understand why he thought that. It made no sense to me. He said he felt better, we said we loved each other and hung up. I couldn’t sleep. I started to process this as he was trying (sweetly) to tell me we were not going to make it. As the article says, I felt rejected and cancelled our next date. We’ve talked since and I felt a little better but I agreed to give him space. I’m trying to reconcile that we are probably broken up and think that this is his loss. Most other men I’ve dated want me back afterward. God wants us to love others and treat them well especially those who don’t deserve it. I’m loving and kind even when I just want to hide, scream and cry. Maybe this is like the confidence the article mentions.

He says he thinks he is depressed. I have been there so I’m inclined to stick it out while he works through this. At the same time, I’m wondering if I should invite this on myself.

I had hidden my profile on Match.com but I’ve made it visible. I’ll wait to buy a subscription. I just wanted to do something to prepare to move on.

I’ve journaled and cried and now we’ll see what happens. It’s my decision too and it’ll be his loss.

Reply February 25, 2015, 1:14 pm

heather

Well I need some help on my situation… I been at my job going on 3 years. This guy who works with me also been here the same amount of time. Bout 2 years ago we were at the same party. He tried doing something with me but he was too drunk and I didn’t really know him so I walked off. so some time goes by and my best friend is also friends with him but she kept saying that he really like me because of the stuff he was saying about me when they would hang out together. so at this point I really wasn’t paying attention but about two months ago me and him had to work on a work related project together and we were kind of spending some time together not one on one just in a group setting. from that time I realized he was actually a good guy and I was talking to my friend about him and I found out he was really shy and over the years I noticed that too about him. she also said he was a good guy but I would have never given him a chance. about 1 month ago I texted him. just casually ask him out with me and a group of friends but he was going home that day or something like that and he couldn’t come out. so I offered me and him to just go on a dinner date and he was really excited about it I could tell. so we go on to date have a good time in our third date I invited him out to one of my friends birthday party. he’s drinking, gets tipsy and I could tell he can’t drive so I offered him to crash at my place so he has can sleep. He gets in the bed and I get in next to him we don’t do nothing for a little bit and then he put his arm over me and I just leaned in and kissed him we honestly didn’t have sex at all. Just a lot of making out. The next morning we wake up. Just fine and make out some more. I try to take it further… Me thinking that’s what he probably wanted. But he stops me immediately. But we ended up having dry sex. I completely wanted to have full sex but he didn’t want to. From the start with him he always said he wasn’t looking for sex or want an all physical relationship. So we finish up and he ends up staying the whole day with me. I try flirting with him on small things but he just doesn’t respond or get it. When he leaves he tells me he was gonna come back because he had to pick up a change of clothes. Hours go by I ask him if he’s OK and he tells me thing long story. He was confused from what he wants in life. He didn’t know if he wanted to move back home or stay with our job. He also said our realtionship was moving too fast for him and wanted to slow it down…
But here is where I think I went wrong. I asked him if we slowed things down can we start over. He flat out told me “I don’t know” I don’t understand. Does he really not know and just trying to situate his self out, or is his nice way of saying no. It confuses me because multiple friends would tell me he likes me. Also his ex posted on his timeline (something from the news back where he is from). And she hasnt posted anything since they broke up 3 years ago. So could that be the reason he would wanna go back home?And when he’s drunk his courage to talk to me shows up. I also feel like I wasted my time with him. I never would have gave him a chance but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. He really is a good person.
So latley I was thinking I should text him and check in on him? Just to make sure he is doing good I guess. And slowly try to make our realtionship go again? Or just let everything go and let it be a learning lesson?

Reply February 24, 2015, 2:07 pm

confused

My boyfriend of more than 2 years asked for a break recently. I was totally out the blue. One minute he told me i love you and within the next few hours he asked for a break because he was “unhappy”. I’m so confused because anytime he is stressed out with school or family, he yells at me and takes it out on me. He always blames me and runs away ( to his car and takes off) and then a few days later I hear from him and he says he is sorry. I don’t know what to think or do….

Reply February 19, 2015, 10:26 am

Latoya

I don’t want to be strung along, but he calls and texts me how long you I ignored him?

Reply February 5, 2015, 9:36 pm

Stella

Have been with my guy for almost three years, and we had this massive argument and we both agreed to go on a break, he wanted to clear his head , so i agreed and within no time we were talking again, until i did something that really got to him, (its wasn’t cheating or anything) it seemed as if he was jealous or something, and he was saying he wanted to leave me because of it? I was hesitant because i really love him so i offered for him to have another break to think things over because obviously he was stressed and angry at me. I have no idea what to do? I still have his Facebook passwords and stuff and it seems as if its just a normal break like last time, i dont want him to leave me..

Reply January 22, 2015, 8:48 pm

kestes

What a sexist article, how about touching on the subject of women being the ones drciding to take a break. Pathetic

Reply January 8, 2015, 11:14 am

Courtney

Yeah, exactly. I’m going through the same thing in this article, but in reverse. I want a break and he doesn’t.

Reply February 10, 2015, 9:20 pm

Larissa

I need help ASAP, this is driving me insane. I’m 16 and a few months ago I started dating this amazing guy! I have known him for 5 years, but just now noticed how great he was. Things went incredibly well, he was a sweetheart. But one day we had sort of a discussion over his ex, he told me it was noting and even drove to my house to talk things over. The next day he was super cold and so it kept on for the rest of the week, so I decided to talk things over. He told me he needed some time because he wasn’t doing great in school, plus he was worried because he didn’t know what to do with his life, I told him that I agreed. Time passed and he didn’t contact me at all over the phone, still he was playful with me at school. He asked me to help him study and I agreed. When we met to study he started acting like a total douche and I blew him off. He calmed down, we ended the study session, left me home… at that point I was sure I didn’t want him in my life anymore. but then he sent me a text message explaining that he acted that way because he really liked me and didn’t want to fall even more in love with me because he needed to focus on school. I told him that I understood his reasons, but that I couldn’t help and be with a person who treated me that way. The next day he started acting normal again, he began being playful, along the week he apologized and promised not to be a douche again so I agreed on helping him study. Everything was amazing again, we started talking like before, he hugged me a lot, he held my hand, with time he even kissed me, he planned on asking me to be his girlfriend… until last week I got mad with him because I had planned with his best friend to go to his house to study, but his best friend forgot and left me at school. I got mad at him because I thought he knew and he had forgotten too, but it turned out that he didn’t. he thought that I was going to show up at his best friend’s house. I was real mad and went to a friend’s house to study, even if the best friend told me to grab a taxi to his house and that he’ll pay it. I refused and told them that if they wanted they could show up at my friend’s house but that I wasn’t going to take any taxi.
After a few hours he and his best friend arrived, they both apologized. I told them that it was okay and kept on studying with my other friends. After an hour, he stopped studying, isolated himself and listened to music. I told him to come over and keep on studying, but he asked me to approach to him, I told him that I wouldn’t and kept on helping others. After that, he became real weird and angry, I asked him what was going on and he told me that he was just tired, so I kept on helping others.
Everyone went home and I texted him if everything was all right, he told me that he wasn’t feeling well. I tried to support him but he pulled me off every time I tried to ask him what was wrong, until I got tired and told him that if he didn’t want me he could tell me so and I would leave him alone. To which he responded that that wasn’t the matter, so I asked what was on his mind and he told me that he didn’t know, that he had to think about it. I responded that there wasn’t anything to think about anymore, he replied that yes there was. I replied that if you wanted to be with someone you didn’t have to think about it, that that was the answer to his problem and that he didn’t have to think about it anymore. I also told him that I hoped as a friend he could open up to me and I wished I could help him. He replied that he thought that yes there were things to think about, but it depended on the perspective you looked things at and that he couldn’t open up to anyone. At this point I was pissed off and replied: okay, I hope that you can talk about your issues with someone you trust.
There is nothing else to think about, it’s been two months.
Seriously I don’t want things to end, but I can’t cope with this anymore. We haven’t stared a serious relationship yet and it is the second time that you act strange and don’t know what you want.
He never replied, this was two days ago, we haven’t talked ever since.
What do you think? Will he call? I don’t know if I want him back or not…

Reply December 12, 2014, 12:30 pm

Ale Avila

Hi, I’m having problems with my relationship. My bf says he wants a break because a relationship was stressing him out and all and also he wants us to focus on school and graduate.he wants him to focus on him and me focus on me. So i accepted the break because this will help us. But he’s been talking to me as if we were together and calling me babe and wants to hang out. I told him “aren’t we on break?” and his mood changes and tells me “oh so your okay with us not being together?”im like “no im not,” and he says “yes you are,.you were just gonna use it as a reason why we shouldn’t hangout .” i only said that cause he wanted a break and he did told me.to.forget about him but i didn’t though. I wanted to.remind him that he has to focus on.himself.i.was trying to help him. But now we just broke up for good

Reply December 7, 2014, 4:23 pm

sharon

Hi… I wanted to let you know about my situation and see if you think there is any hope of him coming back. We met 6 months ago. We stayed together for 6 months..All of the sudden he wanted space. I knew he had met some other girl.. He is 45 and she is 35. He has been through 2 marriages and 4 kids.. I believe she has one child (Not sure) .. When he asked for space.. Of course I didn’t handle it well like a classy lady. I let me emotions and anger take over me and I screw everything up. I asked him how much space he needed and how long..He didn’t … I pushed for a time limit..he said 30 days…I did the no contact rule for 30 days…hardest thing..grieved… cried..lost weight… after 30 days.. he didn’t contact me… Based on his posts on IG.. it appears that he is totally in love with her… after the 30 day was up…I dropped off everything he had given in that 6 months (gifts/birthday gifts) and all… I requested for the key to my house back and returned… He went to Bahamas with this new girl… I believe he is a serial jumper…Because, prior to my relationship with him… he was going out with another girl for two years… she cheated on him and he went out with me after few days ( I guess)…………. I am in love with him..While we were together- he treated me nice until the last two months of our relationship. In my heart i know we will never repair what is broken… He has moved on and is in love with her( judging based on his IG posts) God knows what he posts on FB.. He has blocked me from his FB…He claims he has blocked me from his phone, email and all… I am completely blocked from his life. OH- He did introduce me to his ex/and his kids… So, I am not sure what went wrong… Can you give me your honest opinion.. Everyone tells me that this girl won’t last in his life… I think she is using him. Any chance I could get him back after all this mess.

Reply November 25, 2014, 6:28 pm

Michelle

Why would you want him after all of that? He would probably do the same thing agian if you let him back. You allowed it once you will allow it again. You are better than that and need someone who will treat you with respect.

Reply April 27, 2015, 5:04 pm

Gia

If he can go 30 days without you, say to yourself, “he can go a little longer”, because men like that don’t deserve you. I’m not trying to sound mean but it’s the truth. Find yourself a younger guy with no kids, things might turn out differently.

Reply June 20, 2015, 7:15 am

EL

Hi all,
I was with a guy for about 6 month. Everything was great at the beginning. He was soooo into me, he called several times, and we had a really good relationship, till one night that we had sex. I was virgin but that night I lost my virginity. In our culture, usually girls should be virgin till their marriage, but we live in canada! After that, I had a very bad time, I felt soooo bad!and he said our relationship is complicated! I didn’t even understand what did he mean! we were together for 2 month after that night, but he suddenly started to get space, he became cold! Once I saw a picture of a girl in his computer but I didn’t tell him anything. It was weird because some facebook photos of a girl was saved in a folder with her name! one night, I asked him to explain who that girl is and I saw he is contacting his ex in viber, they were texting in viber! after one week, he stopped calling me and I called him and asked what’s going on and why he is changing! then he said I need space. I hang up and that night he called me again but I didn’t want to talk to him! I texted him the day after and told him:I respect your need for space and I like you, so I think it’s better not to contact for a while. Then he responded: thanks for understanding me! I’m under pressure and I need some time to relax and think what I want. I hope everything will be fine at the end!
After 2 weeks something came up that was related to our relationship, I contacted him and asked him to call me. He called me after one day and we talked about that issue. And we met after 2-3 days. He said he is thinking and it’s not a breakup, but people break up sometimes! and I said we cannot be in space forever, so let’s pick a deadline. He said he is ok with whenever I say. I said we were in space for more than 2 weeks, 2 more weeks would be enough! and last wednesday, 2 weeks passed and I didn’t hear anything from him. Also, last weekend was his birthday but I didn’t send him a text or anything else. I don’t know what should I do now? do I have to call him and ask him to talk? I like him so much and I want this relationship to work, but I don’t know what should I do. but I don’t know if he is contacting his ex or seeing the others! Please help me what to do now…..
Thanks

Reply November 25, 2014, 1:33 am

Rose

My husband just told me he wants to have break after 1.5 years in marriage. He said maybe he will go out to have fun with girls or maybe he can flirt with someone (right now we live separately in different country). Does it mean he is going to break up? What should I do? Please give me advices

Reply November 24, 2014, 8:15 am

Gia

Do the same thing.

Reply June 20, 2015, 7:16 am

Lisa

I need advice ASAP. Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year. To keep short I’ve been loyal and inlove. In the beginning of our relationship he was stressing the fact that he is getting older and not financially where he want to be. Now that he is turning a year older close to 30 he is really trying to find a career that fits him a permanent job. He is very focus on that and gets stressed and upset because he is having a hard time finding himself. He came to my house and told me that he wants a break and that he still want to come around talk to me and that during the break he isn’t going to date he and wants to be with me he is just going to focus on finding a career he says he wants to be the provider and doing this for us so if we move in together and he is financially good we both will be happy. I’m just upset and can’t stop crying because I love him I’m in college and its hard to focus on that right now if need advice. Thanks

Reply November 2, 2014, 4:21 am

Anna

I’m going through a similar situation to yours right now. Our two year anniversary just passed (while on our break) holidays are coming up and I’m unsure of where his head will be at come the time we see one another again. He’s in law school right now and is in over his head with work and testing coming in December. He needed the space for school and is in panic mode. He decided to pull the plug on our relationship so he can focus. in our last conversation, he told me he loves me, doesn’t want to be with anyone else and has no desire to be with anyone else and that this is all relating back to the pressures on him. So far been a month of hell with knowing that I won’t see him through the holidays and unsure of what to expect. I’m very much in love with him so I struggle on a daily basis with this.

Reply November 25, 2014, 3:29 pm

lili

Give him time that he needs and it will show whether he wants you or not
If he does than u can be happy, and if not he didn’t deserve you from the begging and u can take him as a lesson
For now you only need to be patient and see what happens, just don’t cry because he comes to you and this shows that he cares so no need and begin studying to get good grades,, good luck :) :)

Reply March 13, 2015, 2:58 pm

Patti

Hello,
I’m glad this topic came up. My guy (seeing exclusively for 2 months) told me a few weeks ago that he needed the ‘break’ via text. I reacted poorly initially but after an in person conversation understood that he simply was asking for time away to work on himself. I decided that the best way for me to move forward was to work on some things myself which also included some recent TLC from a FWB! I don’t feel badly, I needed to feel connected (my FWB is a true friend, no strings) and reassured that I was and am a good and desirable woman. Since that time, I’ve spent time with friends and kept busy and am NOT contacting him. He has reached out to me a few times to ask how I am and I’ve responded in kind. I do NOT initiate communication with him even though a part of me really wants to. I figure at this point if it’s meant to be, it will happen.

Reply October 20, 2014, 10:27 am

Vickie

Hi Gail,
I have been reading a lot of relationship articles lately and found your post. Your situation is exactly like mine. I decided we would go on one month with no contact break. I was sad for the firs week but I am OK now. We have not been dating that long either. I am fine with either way, get back or break up after a month is Ok for me. I am super busy and have a lot on my plate right now. I don’t want to cut it off because what if he is trying to compromise for our relationship. But I also don’t know if I keep hanging on there but then find out he wants the break up after a month.
We are happy when we together but there are lot of other life aspects. I still don’t know what I want; don’t know what is in his mind. We have three weeks left til our time to contact again.

Reply October 8, 2014, 12:41 am

sharon

I met this guy about 5 1/2 months ago. We hit it off, had a strong connection and were happy. When I met him, he had just broken up with his ex gf of two years (on and off relationship). He was emotional and I told him I would stick with him until he gets healed. Hoping that once he finds peace he would give us a try. When we were together we had fun. however, when we departed we would have disagreements! we had few days of no contact and I always threw the white flag because I cared about him alot. He introduced me to his ex wife and his kids. Since, he was a fed employee and it was during the close out time(budget related) he was stressed. I understood that he was stressed and left him be. I figured once its over we would pick back up. Well, during that 3 weeks- he became more distant towards me. I found out that he met someone else. He asked for a break and of course I hate the word “break or space” and see that is a negative situation. So, I tried hard to make things better. SO, I pushed and begged but it didn’t help me. He claims that he enjoys me, likes me but he doesn’t want to be in a serious relationship. Now, he is dating another girl… He asked for space and I needed to know for how long. I pushed and he said for a month… Its been so hard on me…I don’t know if he is coming back. I feel as long as this girl in his life… he won’t be back… i keep writing letters to him … I haven’t send it yet… what do I do! I don’t want to lose him… But, I know I am losing him to her. Help, suggestions…

Reply October 17, 2014, 12:06 am

Ian

Hi, I’m a guy and have experienced this first hand and have also seen female friends in the same situation. In my opinion, he hadn’t healed from last relationship before getting with you. He must have been going through a tough time, but unfortunately chose to deal witi these negative emotions by getting involved with you. I always ask girls and tell my female friends to ask guys: when was last relationship over and how long together? This information is vital. What you need to do now is zoom out of your situation and see yourself from the outside, like you’re watching a movie, play the movie from the start, look what’s happened to this girl, pity her, love her, protect her. I did this after same happened to me and it helped heal and love myself more again. Take care and love yourself.

Reply October 28, 2014, 1:15 pm

Kelly

My partner of 4 years just recently told me he wants to take a break. I came traveling and met him after 3months and we have been together since. He comes from a small town and me from a city and have always had the traveling bug. We have done a small amount of traveling together before we had to stop for a couple of years to save. We settled in a small town where his family are. We moved to a city 6 months ago to be closer to our friends and have more options and variety. I thought we were happier then ever. Now he’s just said that in 8months time he wants to go and do more traveling, this time on his own to go find himself and be out of his comfort zone. He wants to do it for approx 6months and doesn’t want to make any foreseeable plans with me. It’s really come out of the blue and I’m struggling to know how to handle this. Do I take this as a sign of a break up? Do I just wait around and try carry in as normal for 8months until he leaves? Do I just leave now instead as how can I pretend everything’s still the same when I know he wants space? I’m so confused as he says he loves me and knows our relationship is strong. I would appreciate any opinions…

Reply October 6, 2014, 1:17 am

Gail

I don’t know. Break seems to be the adult term for when you give a time-out for a child. I am torn. I was not totally happy with the relationship but I was ok with waiting it out for what it was, was ok for all I had time for but for what it needed to be for something long term, it was lacking. We are on a break for a month. The first day or two was a little sad but I go back and forth about just going ahead and officially calling it off myself or do I wait and see if he gets his act together and wants to make it right. What if I wait for him to make the call and he chooses to cut it off for good? What if I act on one of the moments I want to cut it off and he was working toward staying together? Do I just cut it off before the month is over or do I wait to see if he is going to do it? I am willing to let him try to make it right but I am also fine with it if we let it go. We have not been dating that long and I am really busy right now anyway–which is why the way things were would be fine now as long as he doesn’t mind not progressing the relationship.

Reply September 18, 2014, 1:57 am

jennifer

I am going through the break right now but it started as a misunderstanding when i was somewhere and he was texting then i said “im done”. I meant i was done where i was and going home. He took it like i was done with the relationship. He said he cant do “us” right now and needs a break. I said ok. Let it go, move on, life goes on and if he comes back its fine but i told him im not putting my life on hold for him. We were just talking about our future a week ago and how he was going to move in together. He was so happy. I think the seriousness scares him. All because of a misunderstanding. Space is what we both need.

Reply September 17, 2014, 7:43 am

PW

I just entered a very similar situation to yours. We didn’t have a misunderstanding. But we were talking about moving in and did a big travel just two months ago. I think that all doesn’t matter to men when they want to retreat and have a break. I told myself I have experienced the worst than this and he is less experienced. Of course I am mad but I think the real love needs two people to balance out each other. We don’t want a man who can just easily escape when the circumstances get challenging i.e. work, economy etc. If he does want to come back to a committed relationship, I think men should prove themselves even more. Otherwise, how can a man to expect the girl to trust him again?

Reply September 17, 2014, 12:27 pm

Maribel

My boyfriend says he wants to get married but he needs a break but he stills calls me and text me everyday and says he loves me. I am so confused

Reply August 16, 2014, 10:35 pm

MP

My boyfriend of 8 months just suggested a break the other day. We have a wonderful relationship, never ever have gotten into a fight… our relationship is just easy. We’ve talked about the future and both have said that we’re in this relationship for the long haul (we’re both in our 30s). Before I met him, my goal for my career was always to get to a bigger city. We’ve had the discussion and he doesn’t want to move (he’s a farm boy, would get eaten alive in a big city!). I love him. I’ve never met anyone like him before, and for the first time in my life, I said love trumps a big fancy job. I told him I’d stay… that I WANT to stay. And that it’s not just for him, it’d be for me too if we take this relationship to the next level eventually. I love my job here, my friends, our life together…. but he asked for a break. For some reason I just don’t think he believed that I was serious about staying put. I am. Very serious. A fancy job isn’t going to love me. So during this break he wants time to think, pray and speak to his family (who have always been rooting for us). I know that I need to just give him the time he needs, but it’s so tough when he’s become one of my best friends… talked every day… saw each other several times a week. It’s just super tough to deal with. I’ve been good about giving him space, but I feel like I can’t concentrate on anything else.

Reply June 13, 2014, 4:54 pm

ladyj

It doesn’t sound like he is abandoning you but asking you to REALY think about whats best for you and YOUR future. He doesn’t want you to rush making a decision about your choices and he doesn’t want to feel like he is holding you back. 8 months is NOT a lot of time when looking at the scope of your life you’ve lived and or life with someone. Give yourself time to just think about what you really want. maybe even take a trip to the big city see what it would be like for you. Hes inviting you to speak with his family and pray so just give him a little bit a space by focusing on your needs not being so worried about what he is doing. guys don’t need as much contact as we like most of the time.
Hang in there.

Reply June 13, 2014, 6:14 pm

Cynthia

I agree I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years now and he’s staring to withdraw now. He won’t look for me unless I look for him. Recently he told me he had too many problems going on and he doesn’t have time to have a girlfriend. Also he told me he just wants to do him. But the problem is that he always used to tell me he doesn’t believe on breaks. If we have a break we would never go back together. But now he’s telling me he wants to be friends and maybe that would help the relationship. I’m really confused my friends tell me not to look for him anymore and let him be. He might come back later on. But he gives me too many mix signals. I don’t know what to do. I need help!!!! Any advice?!? Should I give him time or should try to talk to him. Because he never clearly said we were breaking up.

Reply May 27, 2014, 10:17 am

Amanda

I know its easier said than done, but really you should just leave him be. It sounds like he is desperate for some space and that’s exactly what you should give him. Trying to just be friends right now is only going to hurt you rather than help you because its so hard to “just be friends” with someone that you have serious feelings for. Tell him that you still want to remain on good terms but that you also need some time apart, then try as hard as you can not to contact him. Absorb yourself in your own life; go out with your friends, spend time with family, pick up extra shifts at work, go on a fun non-serious date with a guy friend, and/or if you have a hobby dive into it. If not start one!Do you! Try not to discuss and rehash the situation with your friends and family over and over. If he contacts you be polite but don’t drop everything you are doing to talk to him or meet up with him. Let him know that you have a life outside of your relationship, and what is more important, actually do the work to create a life outside of your relationship! After a while of this you will begin to feel more empowered and less dependent on your relationship for happiness. Just about the time that you start to realize that you are fine without him, he will probably come running back. That’s when you’ll have to make the important decision of trying to rebuild your relationship or moving on for the better. Do not beg him to come back to you. If he doesn’t come back to you by his own decision then move on! You will already have started the process of building a happy life without him, you just need to follow through. Best of luck to you!

Reply May 27, 2014, 7:10 pm

PW

Well said. Thank you!

Reply September 17, 2014, 12:45 pm

Jessiejames

After almost two years, I was given the break suggestion by text today, it hurt, it was very cowardly way to do it. I do believe he is going through some soul searching as to how serious this is or does he want it to become more. My friend believes he is going through a “smothering” moment and he will be calling when he goes through a “lonely” moment. But by that time will I want him back or feel the same for him? I’ve been torn today as I feel no matter which way this goes it will be for the better. I do care for him an will miss him and the friendship but I will not convince anyone to be with me, for that’s not fair for me. I’m glad I know who I am an what I deserve in a relationship.

Reply July 27, 2013, 5:47 pm

Gigi

I can completely understand how you feel. My boyfriend asked for a break a couple of days ago after one year together. My response was “we should go our separate ways”. It hurt me deeply because we love each other and we made a good team together but I felt just like you, it was a cowardly way of getting out instead of working things out. We are from different cultures and his expectations from a future wife are high, not to mention he wanted me to be making double the money of what I make now before ever moving in together. I was loyal to him and loved him with all my heart and I don’t know how I’m going to move on from this. I have lost all hope in finding true love.

Reply April 2, 2015, 3:37 pm

rose17

This article makes sense, but ive read tons of articles like this, and everywhere it sais the same thing about breaks. People have different opinions on this subject, and that is a good thing. Not everyone will go through the same things, not everyone have the same relationships.. This is why people cant date just anyone, because then well wed all be the same. anyways.. iam currently on a brake and the hardest part is that we live together. YES, we live together… in separate rooms, and with minimum contact, and it hasnt been that long, and it was awkward at first but now, i just dont let it bother me. It is extremely difficult for me to do, because weve been together for 5 years, and this brake thing ( his idea) came out of nowhere… and it has alot to do with commitment. he thinks he should be able to propose to me by now, and because he cant theres something wrong. maybe…. anyways so i realized i need to give myself space and him of course but mainly me, so i can “move on”… i dont know whats gonna come out of it, im hoping for the best but iam also tired of chasing after someone that doesnt want me. he knows i love with him all my heart and id do anything for him, and maybe thats the problem. haha… so i guess im just going with the flow, as he was for the past 5 years and well see what happens, but i will be sure to follow up on this, maybe i can help some other people out with my experience.
This site is amazing, it has lots of articles that are worth the read, but i wish i could just know exactly what to do !!!!!! ugh! :)) but i believe everything happens for a reason, and we live and we learn, i just hope i could have gone through these problems with somone else so that i could have this relationship last. maybe im crazy lol.

Reply December 13, 2012, 11:20 am

flywheel

Hi there, thanks for sharing. Would you mind following up on your situation with him now? I am going through this and would love to hear any advice. Thanks.

Reply September 17, 2014, 12:53 pm

abby

Hi, Don’t know if anyone can help me through my inner turmoil. Me and my husband have lots of financial problems and he is the only one working, trying his best to sort the mess out and get back on track. I didn’t even no there was a problem until recently. He had been coming in from work later last year saying he was trying to earn more money. He has been acting distant the last few weeks and now he’s texted to say he needs to take a few days on his own he feels confused with his mind. I’ve wondered if he had met someone else, but he is a labourer and scruffy most of the time! I really need some help, I am very sad and feel at my wits end

Reply February 6, 2015, 2:41 pm

that_girl

This is a great website with good articles but I gotta say, the constant pop-ups to join the “dating decoder” email list are becoming a nuisance, especially if browsing on mobile. Please don’t turn off ur fans with cheap gimmicks. It’s fairly easy for anyone to find the sign-up link if anyone wants to get the newsletter. No need to shove it in my face every time I visit any of your pages.

Reply December 12, 2012, 12:26 pm

Miranda

This article came just in time for me. My boyfriend just said we needed a break because he needed to figure himself out and what he wanted (he’s been getting VERY close to this other girl, but he said it was nothing so I trusted him..Turns out he definitely did some bad stuff from what he implied to me). I had no idea what to do. I remained poised throughout most of the conversation. He said he wants to still be friends in the meantime, but I don’t think I can handle that. I know he’ll probably break up with me. Prior to the break, he didn’t talk to me for 10 days .. including my birthday. We’ve been dating 6 months and have been best friend for over 4 years.

Reply December 6, 2012, 10:27 pm

Amanda

Breaks are definitely a sign of trouble. I’ve been through a couple, and I don’t want to sound negative, but things are never the same afterwards…or maybe its that things are too much the same. If you don’t put in some SERIOUS “you time” to get perspective on the situation, then the same issues that caused the break will still be there. Sometimes even when you do make the effort, it can’t be helped. A break is a sure sign that maybe its just not meant to be. I could say that I wish I had learned this a lot sooner to save me some heartbreak…but the truth is, if I hadn’t have been through those rough times then I wouldn’t know what I know now. The sooner you learn that sometimes things just aren’t meant to work, and that you have to go through crappy times to get to happier ones, the better off you will be.

Reply December 5, 2012, 9:04 pm

Marie

I whole heartedly agree with your comments. If someone asks for a break I think the best thing to do is remain calm and tell them ok sure no problem and don’t push it. As hard as it is I believe if you remain poised it may come as a shock to the other person but it’s in your best interest to be composed. I also think you should consider it a break up and start the moving on process. Give them 100% space and engage in no contact. If they do come back and reach out at any point in the future you have the power to decide whether you’re willing to take the risk again and give it a chance. I actually consider it a positive as in you have the power to either give it a go again or walk away. I try to look at things in a positive light and this shifts the power your way. Give them all the space they want. See it as an opportunity for them to miss you and if they don’t then you were never meant to be anyway. It really hurts at first but you just have to press on. I haven’t personally gone through a break. Either I was with someone and we broke up or we were together. I will say if someone asked for a break I would absolutely receive that as a breakup and would seriously need something special to happen to let them back into my heart. I wish everyone all the best in their relationships. We all deserve wonderful love :-)

Reply December 5, 2012, 10:36 pm

yourluckystar

I think the two comments before me are the best advice for this situation.
The article itself is way off, the last thing i want to read is “Confidence is a huge turn on for a guy” when he just asked for a break, why the hell would i try to turn him on? Very insensitive.

Reply April 29, 2014, 9:08 am

Jordan

I totally agree, a break is so much like a break up. Why the need for a break and yes to me it’s a cowardly way of easing out of a relationship. It’s bullsh.t!

Reply August 18, 2015, 6:11 pm

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