Ask a Guy: Why Isn’t my Boyfriend Interested in Sex Anymore? post image

Ask a Guy: Why Isn’t my Boyfriend Interested in Sex Anymore?


I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 7 months now. I really love him and our relationship is really wonderful in a lot of ways. However, he hasn’t been that into having sex for about a month now. I’m always the one to initiate it and he usually gives me excuses, saying he’s tired or stressed and whatnot. When he does give in, he just doesn’t seem that into it.

I should mention that he recently got laid off and is obviously having a hard time with that.

I just don’t know, I mean, I thought guys were always supposed to be up for sex no matter what. Is he just not attracted to me anymore? I just feel like such an idiot every time my own boyfriend shuts me down. What’s going on here??

See our guy’s response after the jump!


In this case, I think it has a lot to do with him being laid off.

There’s a huge connection between a man’s sense of sexual desirability and his ability to be effective in the world.  Let me flesh this out because I am being careful to not isolate it to jobs.

Generally speaking, the guy that feels the most sexually desirable and down for sex is also the guy that feels he has the world in his palm.  Doesn’t mean he has a mega-salary and high-status job – I am just saying that when a guy feels like he’s got life under control in a way he thinks it should be, he’s going to be a lot more confident than a man who doesn’t feel that way.

Maybe it’s a shame thing too.  I mean, when a guy gets laid off or fails at something that’s important to him, it will be hard for him not to be down on himself for at least a little while.

It’s a weird thing, but I’ve been in a loving relationship when my work started falling apart and I didn’t want anything to do with sex in the relationship.  I was ashamed of where I was at the time and the last thing I wanted was to be loved since it would have felt more like pity (even if it wasn’t).  What I really wanted was to land back on my feet and start conquering the world again.

Writing about this is a little weird for me because it’s really personal (and I am a private person in general), but I think it’s worthwhile for people to be frank about this sort of thing.  I also think that the average guy could relate to what I’m talking about here – my guess is that it’s fairly universal.

I would say losing a job would knock the average guy down for a little while at least and if he’s very achievement-focused, it could have a longer lasting, deeper impact.

To touch upon what you said at the end – whether or not guys in general are always up for sex is an endless debate.  What you’re talking about here isn’t “guys always being up for sex”; you’re talking about your own relationship and your guy.

Moreover, sexuality in relationships is a complex thing.  I mean, to be blunt, guys have a whole spectrum of things they like that get them turned on.  In some cases, dirty, demeaning, awful things.

When a guy starts to really love a girl, his ... (continued - Click to keep reading Ask a Guy: Why Isn’t my Boyfriend Interested in Sex Anymore?)

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laura

Me and my b/f have been together nearly 2 years, no kids that live with us. I work weekends and so does he. Whenever I ask/beg come on to him for sex his response is always the same. I’m too tires. When I’ve tried talking to him about this and he says why do women always make a big deal about sex it’s not the most important thing in a relationship. I feel stupid rejected unattractive and now unloved. please help. I love him and we’ve been talking about marriage but I camt go 3/4 months without sex at a time :(

Reply October 14, 2014, 10:04 am

Tina

I am so glad that I found this post. I have been having such a hard time with this. My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year, and although we didn’t have sex a lot (he has low testosterone) we did a lot more than we do now. We have been through a lot so far in our short relationship. He was an alcoholic, and he cheated on me. I broke up with him and told him until he got sober we wouldn’t be together. He’s been dry for 3 months now, which I am so proud of and happy for him, but our sex life is non existent. I think we’ve had sex 10 times since we got back together 7 months ago.

I worry a lot that he might be cheating, even though he says he’s not. I just wish there was more I could do to make him want me more. It bothers me too that him and his ex screwed like bunnies and did all kinds of kinky things, and it just feels unfair that he doesn’t have that lust for me.

Reply October 10, 2014, 9:51 pm

Leelee

Most likely if your bf or husband isn’t having sex with you it’s because he’s cheating on you…have u checked his phone or emails? They start getting mean and then eventually distant…because he’s lus tying for some1 else…I’m telling u because it happened to me.If you tell yourself “he will never cheat on me” then you don’t have an open mind and u will probably won’t see the signs.Keep an open mind because “ANYTHING” is possible. You will find yourself making excuses for him…or even wondering what’s wrong with YOU…but belive me…it’s not you who has the problem . Remember to always have your own back… Thanks :)

Reply October 8, 2014, 7:32 pm

kim

My boyfriend has not been interested in sex. Three years ago I met him. He did not want to have sex till 3 months after we met. The first time was rubbish he just lay there and I did every thing and he didn’t even ejaculate . I felt so stupid. After that he has been about the same. Now he has half naked girls on his phone that the has vital sex with. I feel so hurt the way he is treating me . I have tried to talk to him but gets me now where. He says that he loves me but how can he when he has virtual sex. And he is not sexually attracted to me.

Reply August 26, 2014, 9:27 am

Frustrated

Hi there! I REALLY need some advice!
I moved in with my bf 9 months ago. Before that he lived part time with me, at which time sex was awesome. I get embarrassed just thinking about the stuff he used to do to me (all good, oh boy!) But when I moved in with him, everything just stopped. Period!
We make love only when and if I bring up the subject once a month sometimes once every 2 months, its as if to shut me up. Lately, I’ve been getting so irritated that we keep fighting over it. I’m trying to understand the reason behind the drought and all I get is “I don’t know” and “perhaps I initiated all the time in the past” which got him turned off…
Can anyone please try and explain to me why someone who loves me so much, who takes care of me and makes sure I’m always comfortable, who’s respectful and caring does not want to make love to me. I mean, he never cared whether I was having my monthly…all I had to do was kiss him and he would get turned on, now we don’t even kiss! I can go on…
I’m confused and extremely frustrated!!!
I’m thinking of leaving but I don’t want to loose a beautiful loving relationship!

Reply August 22, 2014, 11:46 pm

Bob

Hi Frustrated
I am by no means an expert at relationships, but I can offer this to you:
I think that when you two were living part time, you and him both had separate time and space. When two people move in with each other, there is a huge risk of “smothering” each other. I know how it feels first hand. Living with somebody full time is VERY different than part time. When someone is with you all the time, two things happen:
1.Life becomes mundane (see “normal”): A visit from somebody is a treat that you look forward to. When someone is always available, it is no longer special occasion and is the same day in and day out. This takes work from both parties to make life exciting again.
2. Both parties tend to get on each others nerves. This includes personal space and those little habits that are annoying to someone else.
Living together is not easy and takes adjustment. Both parties will have to shift from single living to couple living. This tends to be especially hard for males, but can also be hard for females.

Reply September 10, 2014, 11:56 am

Tay

Thank you. This helps so much. My boyfriend is exactly this way and feels rather useless and tells me he doesn’t know why I love him. I guess I really should give him space

Reply August 17, 2014, 3:15 am

samantha

hi Im new here and i apologize. My boyfriend and i have only been dating for 6 or 7 months. its had its up and down but we have worked through things. we recently “took a break” and during that time my ex husband put me in the hospital with life threatening injures. (this could be the problem) but afterwords we had gotten back together. Im the first relationship hes had in almost 10yrs and im half his age. we hardly ever have sex, and if we do its mainly ends up in a blowjob, and thats that. (which i guess i dont mind) but its only maybe twice a month and i almost have to beg for it, and watch alittle porn. (I know hes not cheating). but i dont know if its something im doing, or if hes not attracted to me. Honestly ive gotten so self conscious now, im afraid to even take my shirt off during sex. we get along great, and always enjoy each others company, and im really trying to be patient and understanding about it, and i try not to pressure but its so frustrating. personally i donno what to think or do, i dont think im unattractive, at least i hope. im sorry for the mess. Oh, and i also forgot to put that we found out 3 months ago that we are having a baby

Reply August 9, 2014, 11:12 am

Candy

I have been dating this guy for the last year and a half and recently our sex life has come to a complete halt and honestly I’m perplexed as to what is really going on! Let me just start off with saying when we first started seeing each other the sex was amazing and the main focus of our relationship, however now we have not had sex in over four months! My guy has had me convinced that he had a medical issue and a lowered libido and even went to the doctor for this issue. With all test results normal and a clean bill of health we were stuck at square one and he says its stress and is going to make another doctors appointment to check again? Will all that said our relationship has changed dramatically as far as the way he treats me in romantic gestures, and respect which breaks my heart. He does still tell me he loves me and cooks dinner most of the time I can say this much. Lastly the thing I have found out recently that has caused me much pain and distrust and confusion is I have found recent history on his computer that he watches porn and does sex chats with girls frequently as he used to in the beginning of our relationship before any serious commitment and before I knew him. What I’m upset about is now I’m questioning his whereabouts, why we are not having sex if he can do this every day is he not interested in me? I have asked him about this and he denies it and gets very defensive and mad and says I’m a very attractive girl and it has nothing to do with me. Please help I’m so confused!!

Reply June 18, 2014, 2:30 am

amy

I know men think it’s normal all men do it. However, the more a man is into porn and other chats and such the less he will value sex with his significant other, real research studies are proving this and even can be one of the causes of ED. Google this and find out more. If it’s not a physical issue then it’s an emotional issue, or he’s so into porn that he can no longer value being with you which is sad but the way porn is all fantasy, reality doesn’t always live up to that. This is an increasing problem for men as they spending more time watching tv, porn, video games, they are getting decensitized to sex with real women and too much time masturbating too.

Reply August 6, 2014, 2:34 pm

Ani

Hi,

I am new here. just want a suggestion as I am not sure what it is going to be.
I had a relationship for 7 years on which my boyfriend cheated me for approx 3 years.
It was a mistake and we went apart.Still we thought of giving a second change and now decided to marry.I see a change of attitude in him. He is not comfortable with me physically. He says he doesn’t like all this and things will be fine after marriage.
Can you please suggest me what should I do? As I really love him and we want to get married but I don’t want the marriage to go in vain.Please suggest.

Thanks,
Ani

Reply May 31, 2014, 4:09 am

Liv

Run, girl…and don’t look back. Marriage doesn’t fix things or create love. There is no magic wand once you’re married. What was there before marriage will exist after marriage…good or bad. All the luck to you. I hope you find a man that rocks your world and feels like you rock his. Xo

Reply August 6, 2014, 10:51 pm

joy

I have no question in my heart about how much my bf loves me. But even from the beginning he has had no real big interest in sex. Even initially he wanted to wait until our first time so it could be “special”. But I rushed it on him. Every time we do it it’s so short. And every time I do it he says he’s not interested and gets irritated when I’m aggressive with it, so I stopped trying. When confronted with it he tells me his insecurities about how he doesn’t feel sexy. Which I get because when I don’t feel sexy… obviously I don’t want to do it. But 90% of the time he shuts me down. But he always tells me how undeniably sexy I am.

I just don’t get it.

Reply May 7, 2014, 2:29 am

Lauren

Hi Joy,
Have a very similar issue and was just looking for some advice if you’d found any? Thanks :)

Reply September 22, 2014, 8:06 am

Liz

I really need to know What does it mean when your boyfriend says he hasnt had sex with you because he hasnt been sexual?
We have been together 4 months. He use to sleep at my house all the time. But he just stopped. We have had sex in over a month. Im just confused. Because we never have had an issue before. What could it be? Please help me
thank you

Reply April 22, 2014, 12:48 am

Lori

When he broke up with me I said he was making a mistake, that I was going to miss him and that he broke my heart. To which he responded he will miss me too and also said he loves me ( was in love with me at one point). I told him I respect his decision although a mistake but that I was moving on… That was a week ago… Have not spoken since… Is there a chance of re-attracting him? He broke up with me cuz he lost physical attraction and chemistry I should also add his mother was diagnosed with cancer around the same time we started having problems

Reply February 9, 2014, 6:55 pm

Jen

i feel like my man don’t want me anymore sexually

Reply December 29, 2013, 7:01 am

FeelingDoubtful

I have been dating a guy for 3 years. When we met we immediately connected although people often have commented to me “I never would have put you two together”. He is into motorcycles an hot rod cars. Has maybe worn a suit 3 times in his entire life and would be considered what most people stereo type as a blue collar worked. I am college educated, work in management, tend to dress a little classy or professional as some would call it. I dont have a “type” of guy. I take people for who they are and not the stereotype applied by others. When I met him he immediately intrigued me although I did not feel I was his type. He seemed to date biker chics and that wasnt me. From the very beginning we did not have a great sex life. After about 3 months we stopped having sex however at that time I didn’t realize I would be saying 3 years later we still do not had sex. Of course I am asking the question many of you may be thinking “Is he gay?” I have read until my eyes are poping out of my head on that question. He does not have any tendancies or any of the signs of being gay. When I have asked about the lack of sex many times he just blows it off and says he is tired but lately we had an argument about it and he said he was not sexually attracted to me… and never was. He looks at women all the time. He seems to have a type. The skinny trashy bar women. I’m not being ugly. That just seems to be the kind of women he always looks at. I am not skinny however I am not fat either. I am actually a very pretty woman. That is not being vain, only recognizing that men find me very attractive…blue eyes, blond hair, tall. etc. When I asked him why he had been with me this long and not sexually attracted to me he said “because I love you and I couldn’t imaging my life without you, but I cannot give you what your looking for. I am not sexually attracted to you”Prior to me, my boyfriend has not been in many long term relationships. A friend of his actually commented when she met me for the first time that it was odd to see him with a woman because they rarely did. I am struggling with several questions. Is He gay? Should I ask him? Is he really just not attracted to me but not gay? Why would a guy be with a woman for 3 years and not attracted to her?

Reply September 23, 2013, 1:56 am

ExplosiveKittens

I am sorry this happened to you! I would leave if he wasn’t attracted to me honestly. However if you want him to be attracted to you try dressing up like the girls he finds attractive for fun sometimes, try to make it work with him! Get his interest and know that he could be attracted to you before you give up the relationship entirely! Also I noticed in the beginning you said you don’t stereo type people but you continue to name several types and emphasize them with detail. Maybe you need to rethink that considering you called the types of women he found attractive to be skinny trash :( you say you don’t want to be ugly, like you’re better than them or know them. Try to be more open minded. Especially if your bf finds them hot but you unattractive

Reply December 31, 2013, 3:34 pm

ammy

Its been 6 yrs with me n my boyfriend n soon getttng married too .he use to enjoy sex alot but now its been more den year he doesn’t like doing it anymore.. But how can dis b possible he use to love sex..but now its zero …is he getting it sumwhr els..or wat …i tried everythng possible but hez not turnin on ..and ita creating lots of problems in r relationship…. Wat is it its killin me insyd …;( is it he’ll never like doin it wid me anymore… Or wattt …. I tried talkin to him but he never answer me well …PLS HELP WAT SHUD I DO

Reply September 19, 2013, 5:06 pm

sg

grammar and english lessons would be a good start

Reply November 6, 2013, 9:06 pm

ExplosiveKittens

I’m sure it’s the Coolidge Effect, look into it. Pretty depressing for us women but it answers all our questions and it exists. Men’s libidos lower the more they have sex with the same partner… Sex with that partner seems less and less like dinner and an expensive restaurant and more like A McDonald’s burger. Every women but you starts looking delectable. And if you were to be replaced his libido would sky rocket again with the new partner. You can try to fix or slow the process by spicing it up, doing something kinky and what not.

Reply December 31, 2013, 3:41 pm

Missy

I have a similar problem with my boyfriend. We have been dating almost a year and half and at first when he lived in his apartment we had sex all the time. Well, now he’s moved back in with his parents and I’ve had to move there temporarily due to certain circumstances and now we are lucky if we do it once every month to 2 months. It hurts me because when we do have privacy and the time he doesn’t want to due to he’s “always” tired and says that sex doesn’t mean everything. I’ve tried everything and he still doesn’t make a move and says he’s tired and just wants to relax. It hurts my self esteem and I’m beside myself with this. I understand he is tired, but he almost never wants to kiss, touch, or have sex with me. Am I doing something wrong?

Reply June 23, 2013, 9:09 pm

Jessica

I am having the same problem my BF was in a horrible relationship for along time and now is in a nasty custody battle with his ex. He is also on methadone for his back and the combination of both has left us never having sex. I am becoming bitter and am starting to hate him.

Reply July 7, 2013, 5:49 pm

jd

whats wrong with these guys, i know how you feel girls
anytime i try and talk avbout it i get abused like im some sort of sex fiend!!!
im in it the otherway round, been with my girl 4.5yr
first person to make her orgasim with intercourse and i give her monster orgasim lick outs,which i love doing and seeing her explode so hard
we had amazing sex for 2-3years, like pick her up in the air in her bikini and do it hard against the wall, in the shower bath tub, all over the room, in a rom full of sleeping people
now ifeel like im lyingawake staring at the ceiling…and get rejeted all the time
im fit, gota huge paying job, provide for her, take her away, dinners, dresses, fancy car, nights out, i can cook and clean, pick her up from work, got our nails done together!!
its the most horrible feeling in the world..and no imput financially or emotionally/sexully now
we have our own apartment and no kids yet….we should never wear clothes
she is hot and attractive, slim, long blonde hair petite
she has no fantasy, no adventure, its not porn just fun and sharing each other
and it feels so good
she complains any position otherthen mission hurts and she wont try anything
i cant get any oral at all at all
ladies any advice, i dream of a lady with a compatabile sex drive…..
i feel bad to think this is abasis for a breakup, imagine how bad itwould be with kids…

Reply August 16, 2013, 12:15 am

Laura

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Reply June 15, 2013, 4:30 pm

lost and confused

my boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. I was actually 6 months pregnant when we began dating. (yes i know it is weird). He made my pregnancy a beautiful experience and I love him very much however, for the past 9 months weve had sex maybe 5 times. He doesnt really show me much intimacy anymore (i.e. holding, hugging, kissing) anytime i ask for sex he turns me down and complains. We have not had sex in 2 months this time and when i apporached him about the subject he said “im sorry that you need something physical to validate your exsistance.” He ususally makes it seem like I am a crazed sex addict. I could see myself marrying him in the future if only he would be intimate with me. he actually had my finger sized about a week and a half ago. He can be a hard person to talk to when it comes to constructive critisism.

Reply June 10, 2013, 4:23 pm

mel

I don’t say this lightly because its happened to me but this guy is belittling you. The chances are he is either gay or just not a nice person. I suggest you have couples therapy before considering any sort of future with him.

Reply June 16, 2013, 6:14 am

Tanya

Thank you Eric Charles for such insightful advice that doesn’t fall into the sensationalized male stereotypes. My bf & I have been together a little over a year & he has never seemed that much into sex, but at least at first he seemed more into wanting to do it. But generally I always initiate & I feel like I have to beg. He’s older than me, but he has a lot of energy. He’s an artist & a drummer. I’ve told him if he put the amount of energy & passion in our sex as he does into drumming I would love that! However, he struggles financially & seems to always be stressed out/worrying about money. But he can seem to be really happy & upbeat & wanting to party, but still not want to have sex. Its just so odd to me. He’s sensitive. So am I but I’m more grounded. It just makes me feel more like a friend/sister sometimes than a lover. But he tells me he loves me & that he definitely doesn’t want me to get with other guys. It just makes me feel more like the guy & he’s more like the girl when it comes to sex. He “complains” that sex isn’t everything/important & when I want to have sex he says he’s not a “sex slave”. That hurts because I would hope he would want to have sex with me. However, I’ve noticed recently that if I don’t pressure him to have sex & just talk & laugh with him for hours & let it happen naturally, he’s more into it, somewhat. But he still makes a point to let me know that its something that I need & he’s doing it because I need it. But sex is something to share together. I truly love him & we are best friends. I don’t ask him for anything except to spend time together & to show love. I don’t ask him to buy me things or take me places. Just simple time doing free things & he still says I’m “demanding”. I’m “demanding” because I want to have sex & just be with the man I love. I assume its because of the stress from financial problems, esp being an artist without a normal, regular income, job.

Reply May 27, 2013, 6:28 am

Tanya

And to add to my comment, he’s a chain smoker, drinks & smokes pot everyday. That may have something to do with it as well. Yet, he will make sexual comments sometimes & look at porn, so I know he has a sex drive. I just wish he would take it out on me, which is what would be normal in a healthy relationship. And I’m very opposite of him. I barely drink, don’t smoke or do drugs. He says he thinks the relationship is going very well & just gets better. So would you say this all comes down to not feeling worthy because of financial problems?

Reply May 27, 2013, 6:34 am

Lora

Hi my name Lora,
Me and my boyfriend of a year an half relationship. We have a baby together, she is ten months old with downs. We haven’t had sex for almost one year an two months. I have cought him talking an texting with other females. He even bought a phone an would hide it. I found it several times, now with out him knowing I have found out he leaves work early sometimes an goes to visit someone for about ten to fifteen minutes. He talks to them when he is at work. He takes out money every week abou forty dollars. I know so much but I do not let him know of how much I know. If he doesn’t desire me anymore why is he always coming back. What keeps him telling me lies after lies, he always tells me that he loves us both. He tells me he will never leave, he talks about buy a home for us. For what if he doesn’t even desire me as a woman. Yes I did ask him why he didn’t want to have sex with me anymore. He started te make excuses after excuses, he even said he was so fat. He is tired from working so much. But yet he jacks of every time he goes takes a shit. He talks to other women. He akways deletes the web pages from his phone. Why does he is he doing this to me. Oh an what ever I want he buys me. Please reply…

Reply May 13, 2013, 8:57 am

pat

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half, he has always had an issue with sex, and how often we do it. He always makes excusses why we do not make love often, he says that maybe he needs to see a doctor as he may have low testostrone, but does nothing about it. I have noticed that he has several sex porn sites that he is a member with, so does that mean he does not like me?? . On the odd occassion that we do have sex, which can maybe a week, two or three times in a mnth he only has very basic sex, no oral, touching, just intercourse. Am i feeling sad over nothing, or has my boyfriend got an issue.

Reply May 2, 2013, 1:34 pm

mel

It could be an issue… could it be he finds it easier to watch porn and masturbate where there may be no expectations? Why dont you ask him to watch porn together, maybe he needs something to help boost him up and he has relied on porn for that for the past few years. Start from there and see how it goes. U have every right to feel the way you are feeling. But it is not YOU it is him.

Reply May 4, 2013, 11:45 am

Mandisa Mkhwanazi

My boyfriend and I have been. Dating for 4years. We dnt live together but I see him often. I usually see him after work. When I’m in the mood for sex he would always say his had a long day. He never wants to have sex anymore. What should I do?

Reply February 24, 2013, 9:20 pm

Dani

Apparently my feelings on this subject are common. My marriage is being affected by its lack of intimacy due to my husvand’s low sexual desire for me. This causes me to feel many negative feelings about myself and has been the source of many sleepless nights and bouts of depression. I see now other women feel this way too and it validates what I already know-sex is important in a relationship and each person deserves have their needs met. I am not being selfish and have a right to be upset.
He knows how much it hurts me that he doesn’t give me any sexual attention anymore but stilvcontinues to brush me off and not even give me a second look If I come out wearing a sexy outfit. He has watched me cry and tell him how ugly I must be now that he can’t even force himself to pleasure me. I need touch,I need sex. I need to feel loved and that is the way I feel loved. Something has to change bc this is causing our whole marriage problems. I tie it to everything going on in our marriage. I refuse to live like this much longer. I don’t want to be stuck miserable in life. We’ve been married 12 years and he is my everything which Is why I would never cause him this pain over and over knowingly.

Reply November 13, 2012, 11:30 am

Hayley

My BF and I have been together for about 4 1/2 years. Sex has never really been on the agenda and with me insigating it most of the time. We have lived togather for over 2 years now and sex might happen every 3 months. I have talked and talked with him about how I feel and what he is feeling. He is a blokey bloke and doesn’t really talk about ‘feelings’. I have cried. I even got him crying wehen I said I couldn’t deal with it anymore and was going to cool things down and move out for a while till he figured out what he really wanted from this relationship. I stayed. I could walk around the house in sexy underwear or naked/ we could watch porn together and he’ll still barely look at me. I’m 5’9″ slim build. I don’t consider myself unattractive but I do when we are together. I look at him and admire him and tell him he’s gorgeous. He always says I am ‘too’. I have to initiate compliments. I’m exhausted, mentally, and crying again, because I feel as though I am ‘nagging’ him or whatever men like to call it. I’m sure he is over the ‘talks’. I feel ugly and unattractive. Last time we made love/ had sex, we were intoxicated. Again last night, intoxicated. Does he have to be drunk to want me now? I want him to want me like I want him. I feel like I’ve tried everything. P.S, I also work full time and keep the ‘pretty house’ etc, although he probably cooks more than me? He also works full time as a builder. Any suggestions.

Reply October 12, 2012, 8:14 pm

Hayley

oh, he did say that he just wasn’t ‘fussed’ on sex. That it isn’t really a big deal to him. I have eased off the ‘talks’, and nothing changed. He couldn’t even make the effort for me.

Reply October 12, 2012, 8:18 pm

Sabine

Girls, all of you: Just Stop!!!! Stop overcompensating, stop overfunctioning, stop trying to make it work, just STOP! Take a deep, deep breath. Exhale. And take a step back. Let go. Men are the one who want to hunt, who want to conquer you. You, my dear friends, have become easy and overfunctioning. Please, girl? You massage him after work, you cook, you do all the housework? You are the perfect little darling housewife. Please…. Do not be that! You owe it to yourself. Do not be that.
Remember: what is it that fascinates you? What is it that makes you happy? How do you feel as well? Really take care of yourself. Feel your feelings completely. Let him know in: “I feel…. ” statements, trying to keep it to yourself so not like: ” I feel YOU ARE ABANDONING ME”. But, “I feel alone..”.

then focus on what fascinates you, get a hobby, find a source of joy, date yourself! Or date nice handsome men (no sex), flirt with the guy at the supermarket, buy yourself or make or rearrange some new clothes, visit friends you haven’t seen in a while: take care of you.
And while you are at it, get yourself a mind blowing sex toy and start watching or reading or writing any kind of erotica and perhaps porn (although this is a bit too mind numbing) for your own personal pleasure.

So become more self sufficient, radiant, happy, without expecting your man to do this for you, but communicating your feelings in utmost intimacy. Men do not want the “perfect little darling housewife”, they want : YOU. Just you, in all your vulnerability, in all your sadness, happiness, joy and pain. That’s why they married you. So stop hiding yourself away with your good behavior and talk, be intimate with each other.

Intimacy is the best and only real

Reply September 12, 2012, 3:41 am

Sabine

Intimacy is the best precursor to adult sex.

Men need to be kept sharp, kept a bit vague about your feelings for them, enchant them with your falling back and let your man come after you.

Reply September 12, 2012, 3:44 am

Hayley

When I stepped back we got more distant from eachother. He didn’t come ‘running’.

Reply October 12, 2012, 8:16 pm

...

Iv written on this previousley regarding the same problem as everyone else my bf was so neglective and un sexual it tore me apart I didn’t know if he wasn’t attracted to me any more, if he was cheating. He told me he just wasn’t sexual, stressed with work money tired the usual excuses but I split with him when it had been 6 months and we had only had sex once and that was only because I had gone on about it for so long he gave in. I couldn’t take it any more not being able to talk to him about it and when I did he smashed the house up saying I had made him do it. I just want everyone to know who is going through what I did that you don’t and shouldn’t grin and bare with it they won’t change! Iv met someone else and he is what dreams are made of. After I split with my ex I found out he had given me an STI so I assume he was cheating on me since we where both tested before we started dating. If your man won’t show you love and affection that you do deserve then he’s not worth your love! Please don’t let him make you think it’s ok and that it’s your fault it’s not it’s theirs you deserve to be untainted with your partner and it’s not weird to want to be touched so split with them as soon as because mr right is out there maybe you just havnt noticed him yet because your mind is so full with how neglected ugly unwanted and unloved he makes you feel. Good luck ladies I hope if you choose to stay he changed and if your brave to leave like I was it can only get better without him! X

Reply September 9, 2012, 2:40 pm

Jenny

I googled “why isn’t he having sex with me?” and this came up. This makes me understand a lot more of what might be going through his mind. I mean I was starting to feel very unattractive. Here’s a little back story. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years we love each other very much and we have a five and half month old. He works a very demanding job and he always comes home exhausted. There will be a week where like this one we haven’t had sex in almost a week. And the same like others he’ll only have sex with me to shut me up and then I won’t have sex with him because I know that’s the only reason. I have tried to pawn it off on age we’re eight years apart. I just had a baby so I feel it’s my body. I’m told all the time that I’m pretty and attractive but there are times that I feel like the ugliest woman in the world. I guess at the end of the day could it really be that his exhaustion is a factor? I mean even if I’m completely exhausted I still want him. I constantly remind him how gorgeous I think he is and maybe I shouldn’t because I don’t want to make his head big. Oh I just wanted to add I’m a stay at home mother. I cook, clean, take care of our son. And when he gets home and the baby is down I scratch his back or massage him. Make sure that he’s comfortable always. I honestly don’t know what else to do. His sex drive is so limited most the time. I mean I’ll ask him and he always says the same thing ” Baby I’m tired” it just makes me want to cry. So I’ll pretend that it doesn’t bother me and say ok go to bed good night and scratch his back. Ugh I don’t like feeling so rejected. I guess most of this was to vent. I’m a little embarrassed to talk about this to my friends. Writing this down kind of makes me feel ridiculous because I truly want to just believe its his exhaustion but could it be something else?

Reply September 9, 2012, 1:09 pm

zoe

i am going through the same exact thing. people tell me i am beautiful all the time, but all i want is my man to be the way he was the first year of our relationship (we’ve been together for 4 years now). after the third year, he just stopped wanting me. i try to role-play, dress sexy, talk dirty… he just kind of smirks and looks uncomfortable. i give him massages after work too… i know he’s tired and his back hurts. i make him breakfast, wash his clothes. i feel like i can’t be a better girlfriend. don’t i deserve some pleasure too? and it’s really embarassing to talk to him about it, bc it makes me sound like i’m begging, when I should be the one smirking at him.

Reply September 11, 2012, 8:17 pm

Sabine

Girls, all of you: Just Stop!!!! Stop overcompensating, stop overfunctioning, stop trying to make it work, just STOP! Take a deep, deep breath. Exhale. And take a step back. Let go. Men are the one who want to hunt, who want to conquer you. You, my dear friends, have become easy and overfunctioning. Please, girl? You massage him after work, you cook, you do all the housework? You are the perfect little darling housewife. Please…. Do not be that! You owe it to yourself. Do not be that.
Remember: what is it that fascinates you? What is it that makes you happy? How do you feel as well? Really take care of yourself. Feel your feelings completely. Let him know in: “I feel…. ” statements, trying to keep it to yourself so not like: ” I feel YOU ARE ABANDONING ME”. But, “I feel alone..”.
then focus on what fascinates you, get a hobby, find a source of joy, date yourself! Or date nice handsome men (no sex), flirt with the guy at the supermarket, buy yourself or make or rearrange some new clothes, visit friends you haven’t seen in a while: take care of you.
And while you are at it, get yourself a mind blowing sex toy and start watching or reading or writing any kind of erotica and perhaps porn (although this is a bit too mind numbing) for your own personal pleasure.
So become more self sufficient, radiant, happy, without expecting your man to do this for you, but communicating your feelings in utmost intimacy. Men do not want the “perfect little darling housewife”, they want : YOU. Just you, in all your vulnerability, in all your sadness, happiness, joy and pain. That’s why they married you. So stop hiding yourself away with your good behavior and talk, be intimate with each other.
Intimacy is the best and only real
REPLY
Sabine September 12, 2012 at 3:44 am
Intimacy is the best precursor to adult sex.
Men need to be kept sharp, kept a bit vague about your feelings for them, enchant them with your falling back and let your man come after you.

Reply September 12, 2012, 3:45 am

Jenny

I don’t think we ever said we did all the housework. And on top of that I understand that you’re trying to give “advice” but maybe you should try again. I don’t mean to offend or insult but we did not come here to get advice from a feminist it seems. I don’t mind being that”darling little housewife” as you’ve come to nickname us. I may not be having as much sex as I’d like to but my relationship as a whole is wonderful. My boyfriend is a hardworking man and doesn’t deserve to come home to a dirty home. If it were the other way around he would do the same. Like I said before you give advice maybe you should think twice before you write because it could be taken as an insult. Im sorry if I’m mistaken but I highly doubt that you’re in a relationship or have been in a long enough relationship to give “advice”. Thanks anyways Sabine really but I didn’t take any of your words as good “advice”.

Reply September 13, 2012, 4:22 pm

Jenny

Have you ever talked to him about it? I would. I have. I think you’ll be able to catch if he’s lying about something. You have been together for 4 years. I haven’t been asking for it anymore I haven’t been trying to do anything sexy. I keep myself distracted with my son or with anything possible. And it’s helped a lot. I always knew he loved me but I felt so ignored especially since I had my son not to long ago so I was worried my body was gross to him after. Sometimes I thought he might’ve been cheating but there’s really no way between working and always coming home to our son and myself. There’s no time for it. What I would do is look at what he does (work wise) maybe he really is just tired. Or like Eric said maybe he’s stressing about bills, or work, or maybe even family. Good Luck Zoe I hope it all works out for you. I’m sure it will. 

Reply September 13, 2012, 4:11 pm

Nicole

Well, at least I can watch porn until my boyfriend comes to his senses. I’d really prefer him but I’m going crazy when he wont give himself to me. If I talk to him I’m “complaining” so I’m not gonna talk to him about it anymore. He will sometimes do something with me if I pretty much beg and I think it’s to get me to be quiet, and then the sex sucks because I feel like he doesn’t want me and is only doing it because I begged him to like a pathetic bitch :( . I’m so tired of getting shot down every single time I come on to him, it hurts a LOT to get rejected like that. But I guess I’ll just back off and I’ll do my thing and he can do his.

Reply August 21, 2012, 11:32 pm

Sabine

I know how much it hurts, I in my current situation would almos recommend to start seeing other people.
Screw those men who can’t deal with it. Let them work for you

Reply September 12, 2012, 3:50 am

Alexis

I enjoyed reading this article and my problem is similar to the others. The only difference is what do I do when I already have talked to my fiance about these issues and nothing happens? We’ve been together for a year and a half now and our first year was amazing. Sex every day. Then after our 1 year anniversary, it was sex a few times a week (I was fine with that). Then it was maybe twice a week (still fine). Next it was once a week (now I’m worried…) now its once a month. I’m the type of person who will only have sex with someone I love and trust so I would never cheat. Spice things up? I have one big bag of outfits and another bag of.. Well sex stuff (edible things, oils, etc.). We still love each other deeply and I can’t picture life without him, but now I don’t know what to do. I go to the gym a few times a week, I cook and clean, and we don’t fight. I don’t know what to do. Help please….

Reply July 31, 2012, 4:39 pm

Sean

What a bunch of selfish bitches, honestly most of the comments are me, me , me or i, i, i..related, no sex is not the end of the world, grow up children.

Reply July 18, 2012, 12:03 pm

Beebs

It’s a relationship question and answer site you doofus! People ask a question about THEIR life. Sex is a great and important thing in a reltionship, so no they are not children – you are!

Reply August 22, 2012, 4:56 pm

Si

I and me are important in a relationship as well.
Just grow up children, what kinda chauvinistic thing is that to say? Just go die in a hole under the ground

Reply September 12, 2012, 3:47 am

Ellen

I dont believe anyone replying to this guy is making an impact with namecalling, etc
This is open to anyone with internet access to write how they feel. Its not personal, or directed at one person only,and it is not your boyfriend therefore not the one to channel your frustrations towards.
Keep on keepin on,
LadyFingers

Reply October 31, 2013, 1:32 am

Amy

I dont know where to began with the problems in my relationship,
but id really like to fix this,
we have been dating for a Year 6monnths,
and since the start there has been problems
such as talking to girls without me knowing ( in a sexual way )
meeting up with chicks and when id call him he’d say that they are his friends girlfriends even when i was pregnant he would meet up with girls and then come home to me and act like nothing was wrong.
and now all he wants to do is play a game, everyday all day.
i try and talk to him about this but it always ends up in a fight.
i have no idea how to fix this and what to do.
or just to move on because he isn’t showing me any attention..
please help…

Reply July 4, 2012, 9:48 am

Beebs

He is disrespectful and you need better for yourself and your child. Be strong and move on. He is walking all over you.

Reply August 22, 2012, 4:58 pm

ThePianist

Eric-
Would this also apply to a man who’s losing his house and even a death in the family? And if he DOES break up with his gf, do you think she should take him back? I was told that if a man gives up the woman he loves ONCE, he’ll do it again.

Reply June 21, 2012, 2:03 am

Amy

We have been married for 45 years and it has been a horrible marriage. Were only married on paper, physically we aren’t married at all. Since our wedding night there hasn’t been any sex,intimacy, communication, love, togetherness just plain nothing.. Husband sleeps down stairs in the basement in his own lonely world, I have the upstairs. All these years and I haven’t figured out what went wrong, this confusion drives me crazy. He won’t talk to me and if I try to talk to him he ignores me and walks away. I haven’t the means to leave, I have no kids, and my friends won’t take me in. There isn’t enough money for both of us to separate. I think we would both end up sleeping under a bridge some where down town.

Reply May 18, 2012, 11:18 pm

Hayley

That sounds awful. And why won’t your friends take you in. No family/ siblings etc. What a nasty man. I think leaving him would be the only option. Take 1/2. Or maybe just submitting the devorce papers will give him a huge fright. He sounds like the scary man from the basement and one day he’ll crack. Get out of there…now! Anything has to be better than that and why put up with it for 45 years!!!!!

Reply October 12, 2012, 7:58 pm

keria

Hi i been with my boyfriend for 3 years now we will soon be parents it seems like all he wants to do is hang with his cousins or his friends everytime i go over his house their over there he’ll leave me there to be with them. It seems like when he is ready to be around me than he will call and i really don’t like it this is All the time what to do i don’t want to be with him and his friends or cousins?

Reply May 14, 2012, 12:07 am

carole

hi ive been with dave for nearly 3years we had a sex life up until around xmas to when he got laid off work he has his own place and i stay at his often , he told me his lack in wanting sex wasnt because he didnt love me or that he found me unattractive or that he was seeing anyone else he just says he doesnt feel like it !! yet he will flaunt infront of me sometimes tease me then come bed time NOTHNG by which ive built my hopes up , he is now back in a job and is back to his usual self apart from this not feeling like sex with me , its really upsetting me and is affecting our relationship , i know he wont go and seek help , he doesnt have a problem with erections at all as he often teases me through the night but never carries it through he isnt even trying other ways to relieve me of frustration :( However he tells me ALL the time he loves me and that he doesnt want anybody else …… PLEASE HELP ME IM GETTING SO DEPRESSED AND I FEEL WORTHLESS AND USELESS , I DONT WANT ANYBODY ELSE EITHER JUST HIM .

Reply April 26, 2012, 7:15 am

chris

heya i seem to have the same problem as your man,i love my gf,love cuddles etc dont want anyone else but all of a sudden i dont feel like sex and i dont know why so dont take it as something you have done wrong!

Reply April 26, 2012, 9:41 pm

carole

Thank you chris so much for replying , i am finding this quite emotional to deal with , its made me feel slightly better knowing that there are others out there that feel the same as my fella does and its comforting that you have said that i shouldnt take this as if ive done something wrong to make him feel this way .
BIG HUGS BABES HOPE WE BOTH GET ON THE RIGHT TRACKS SOON BEFORE I GO CRAZY XXXX

Reply April 27, 2012, 4:44 am

Sabine

Ask him to pleasure you?
And since you don’t have any kids together, plus he is not married an genuinely commited to you, keep on looking around honey and get your flirting elsewhere. Start dating other people, without sex, and let him know you will.
You deserve not to spend years without sex.
Try first to create more intimacy, for him to pleasure you in all ways if he cannpt bear it to fuck you pand to heal and take care of yourself. Then just open yourself to other men in a flirtatious and innocent way, not yet cheating and just communicate to him that you will start seeing other people

Reply September 12, 2012, 3:54 am

Myname

Sabine, I would love to know what your definition of cheating is….

Also, what makes you think you have to be married to someone to be genuinely committed to them..

November 15, 2012, 12:29 am

Mandy

My husband hasn’t wanted anything to do with me for 40 plus years. Everything was fine until I said I DO and we had sex once. From that point until now its been all down hill
He cancelled our honey moon, decided to start working midnights, with weekends mid week. Moved all his things down stairs and set up house keeping. Also he worked all his vacation days, and all the holidays so he didn’t have to buy me something or be with me and our families. We have never went out together after we were married. I have friends who don’t even know I’m married. It took awhile to accept the fact that this is the way my life should be. I’ve only had sex once no affection or intimacy. My dream is that someone would just hold me so I could cry. Why I stayed with this person, I really don’t know. I know I didn’t want to embarasse myself and our families.

Reply December 27, 2011, 5:12 pm

Hayley

He shoukld be embarrassed. I have a feeling that for that era and time, hmosexulity was taboo. Haveyou asked him if he i gay? He works nights or stays at his byfriends house? Get in contact with Amy (above). This sounds more common than I thought.

Reply October 12, 2012, 8:02 pm

mandy

Hayley:
My husband isn’t gay or have some little slut on the side. I’ve talked to his boss and he hasn’t missed a day of work. I’ve also had him followed many time and there isn’t anything out of normal. His average work week is around is 75-80 hours of work, he does work on weekends and all holidays. When hes not working he does yard work, paint the house and his garage and his spare time he works in his shop or on one of his cars. I’ll never forgive myself for not leaving, but I have accepted my life for what it is.

Reply January 13, 2014, 12:21 am

josephine

This has been a great read for me, i have been with my bf for about a year now, he was always abit of a player when i met him tho he seems to have somehow settle with me, were very much in love and get along extremely well. Though like many of the articles here he started off all strong and passionate and lately has really cooled down, were still close to eachother though he doesnt seem to have the sex drive he did when we first met. Yes as the previous articles states i believe it may be due to stress as he did recently change jobs so this may be more on his mind, though im scared that maybe he needs that excitement… something new. I hate feeling rejected like everyone else, and have actually started to give up on trying to have sex. Hoping that things will change and pass. We have spoken about this and he said he had this problem before when he was in a previous relationship with another girl after a few months. I honestly dont know what to do, i enjoy his company so much i dont want to lose him, he said he still finds me attractive and is happy with me. I try to keep things spicy though its hard when the other person seems content without much sex. He still watches porn…. so what is it??

Reply December 26, 2011, 1:25 pm

Llama

So glad I have read this article. I went away to America for a few weeks a couple of weeks ago, my partners sex drive had seemed to be waning a bit before I went, but seems to have gotten worse since I got back.
He messaged me every day I was away to tell me he missed me and all the dirty things he wanted to do to me when I got back, but when I got back, it only seemed to last a couple of days before his libido dropped again.
He says it isn’t me, that he doesn’t want to watch porn or do anything else like that, and he isn’t looking or interested in anyone else. He is always very affectionate, he just doesn’t seem to have much drive when it comes to sex. He says he has no idea what the problem is either, or why he has lost his drive but it is cutting me up believing it is something I have done or how I look and making him upset that I am sad- which I don’t want to do as I think it will exasperate the situation.

The problem is, I don’t know what to do from here, do I keep making an effort, dressing niceley and trying to wear sexy outfits to entice him, (and suffer the sting rejection brings- lets face it- ouch!) or do I just step back and wait for him to make a move? (Could I wait forever?!)

We have been together just under a year and love each other to pieces still, I know he doesn’t particularly love his job, and he has a 3 year old kid from a previous relationship which means we don’t get to spend much quality time together at the weekends- evenings only, and which means he is quite busy- but this has been the case since I have met him- if anything- he has more money and time now than he did back then.

Any advice would be truly appreciated.

Llama x

Reply December 5, 2011, 12:41 pm

Eric Charles

Quick answer: Stress and feeling like he’s not on top of his game can kill his desire for sex.
.
The biological underpinning is that stress lowers testosterone… Google around on the effects of stress and impotence for men. Without diving into the deep psychological guts, the easiest answer is to aim towards finding ways to put him at ease and feel more like a winner in his life in general.
.
In nature, “losing” is synonymous with stress. The monkeys at the bottom of the social chain are way more stressed – they face more dangers and risks and the elevated stress crashes their sex drive to rock bottom.
.
From a biological standpoint, he might be a modern man… but in caveman days his stress levels mirror being that bottom-rung male.
.
Understanding stress, testosterone and sex drive is where you should look in addition to what you see here.
.
Some guys (myself included) feel stress very deeply and internally can make mountains out of molehills. From a stress standpoint, that can shoot testosterone down quick…
.
But feeling like a winner, being stress-free and happy with life in general… will have him feeling like a teenager again. Diet, exercise and weight-lifting can help too – it helped me a lot with this issue.

Reply December 5, 2011, 6:32 pm

Stephanie

I found this helpful to a point. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years now. In the first couple years things were great, we have both wonderful passionate sex and hit sex with role play, it was so exciting to find new things we both liked. Of course it cooled off some during the next couple years, but there was still great sex. Now the problem, it started just like the women previously said, I was always the one asking an getting shut down, and the few times he gave in seemed like it was out of putty. I really tried to be patient, figured he was having self esteem issues
But it just didn’t seem to end. I would go throw 1 or 2 month periods of trying to turn him on, then trying to be patient, but it just didn’t seem to blow over. We’ve talked about it a few times, and he always made sure to assure me it’s not me keeping his sex drive down. More recently (about 4 months ago) I noticed there were always porn sights on the computer. Not saying anything I then noticed him taking the computer in the bathroom with him when he would “shower” somethimes a few times a day. I felt cursed but I felt it would be rude (for lack of a better word) of me to express my jealousy since we’ve always been open and okay with it. Now about a month ago he seemed to get it back. Not much changed in our lives but he just seemed so much more self assured. It lasted for about a week, then back to the old routine. And now when I went onto our shared computed there was an e-mail conversation with this girl he met on an online game. She had sent him pictures in her underwear, and they seemed to have deep conversations. The type we used to have. But he was lying to her. He told her we were together but completely lied about our relationship, making up arguments we never had to somehow justify talking to her the way he was. I don’t know what to make of all this. I don’t mean to have a big ego but this girl is very unatractive. I feel ashamed to even type this. He’s never been the cheating type. He seems to have a fine sex drive, just not for me. Our relationship is pretty great otherwise. I’m not perfect but I really try to make him happy, but now I’m wondering if I’m not waiting my time. I want to tell him all this but I don’t know how to begin, and even if we did talk what would it change? Is it possible for me to get the man I love back, or even a little of his interest?

Reply January 26, 2012, 2:39 am

Stephanie

I’m sorry there are a lot of mistakes in there, I was typing very fast on an iphone

Reply January 26, 2012, 2:48 am

josephine

The best thing to do here i think is talk to him…. by keeping it in wont do any good for the relationship… he may continue talking to this woman and deep down you may even resent him for it. Doesnt mean you need to argue about this, but perhaps asking him why he may be online so much for? and ask him if he is talking to somebody else and if so why does he feel the need to do this? Watching porn often and talking to another woman may infact be one of the reasons why his sex drive has reduced. Anyway wish you all the best.

January 26, 2012, 6:35 am

lysa

Seriously…the best article ever. I really thought I was losing my mind…I’m in a long distance relationship with a man who has A LOT on his plate…kids…stressful job, etc…sometimes, we only see each other once a month, and, I wonder…why aren’t we ripping away at each other? With 4 kids between us, it’s a challenge anyways…but, I thought he simply wasn’t attracted to me anymore…thank you for this perspective.

Reply November 29, 2011, 4:53 pm

Eric Charles

Glad you found it helpful – thanks for the compliments. :)

Reply November 29, 2011, 6:21 pm

chris

heya,im on the other side of the story here 31 male and is used to be a bit of a mad sex fiend when i was younger,settled down a bit now and have an awesome girlfriend who i think is the “one”but work has got a bit slow and im not really that interested in sex much and quite happy to just snuggle….end up making excuses like im to tired etc not sure what to tell my girlfriend without her thinking im not attracted to her

Reply November 27, 2011, 8:43 pm

Eric Charles

Hey man,
.
Rather than search for excuses for how to let her down easy when you don’t want sex… it’s better for the relationship if you put the focus on giving her pleasure and making her feel your devotion to her through connecting with her sexually.
.
I mean, think about it – do you really want to be one of those couples that just… winds down? And then a year or two later you wonder where the attraction went? The spark? The lust?
.
I get where you’re coming from, don’t get me wrong. But in the long run, you’ll regret the times when she was ready and wanting you and, instead of making an investment into the relationship, you rolled over and passed out.
.
I had a relationship like this once. Great girl. Amazingly hot. But… I was so exhausted from working all day, then working another job at night that I just wanted to zone out in front of a movie and then pass out. I didn’t want to put in effort, I just wanted relief from my daily stress and exhaustion.
.
It was a mistake… the passion disappeared from the relationship and things fell apart. If I had made making her feel good a priority, things would have been a lot better.
.
But it is what it is… if you think this girl is “the one”, then invest in the relationship whenever you can… because relationship bankruptcy is an ugly picture my man.
.
Good luck and hope it helps.

Reply November 27, 2011, 9:38 pm

imaniazure

I’m so glad I read this article. It’s 4:08 a.m . And I’m literally laying in bed furious! My bf and I just had an intimate encounter and he tells me afterwards he wants to save himself for marriage -____- . We’ve been together 8 months now and talking for over a year. It’s not like we started in the relationship with this “no sex before marriage” concept so why change now?? But reading your article made sense to me in a way because he was recently fired from his job and he’s trying to get back on his feet. I really hope he changes his mind on the whole thing honestly

Reply November 19, 2011, 4:13 am

Eric Charles

You’re welcome – yeah, I can’t stress enough the effect “feeling like a loser” has on a guy. When a guy doesn’t feel on top of his game, he wants to hide away from the world.
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Ironically, the men who are most capable and most brilliant also tend to set the highest standards for themselves and are often the hardest on themselves… Not many women are aware of this and take it personally…

Reply November 19, 2011, 10:43 am

cf

hi this site has been so helpfull. I know my situation isnt as bad as some of the above but it has been tough especially since i have never experianced this before. I have been with my bf for 7 months now we moved in after only 2 months i love him with all my heart and i know he loves me. He is a very secretive person quiet keeps to himeslf but when we got togoether he was also a bit of a sex hound witch i didnt complain about. But for over two months im lucky if he kisses me. I feel so unwated unatractive and he says it stress with work but i feel angrey when he says this as i have just as much stress and he has agreed i have bigger worries and i still want to make love with him? My heart is breaking i feel i could cope better if he atleast tryed to show me afection in bed and then it not work but its like he has dicided he is defeated and given up on it not thinking that its a big issue. Anyways what i want to know is how can this be fixed iv spoken with him but he just argues with me iv waited without speaking and nothing, iv said for him to see someone to get help but he refuses says he will do it himself but dosnt know how long it will take. How long should i wait? Everything i try has failed? And the thought of loosing him hurts even more? Please help im out of ideas?

Reply November 18, 2011, 2:47 pm

lily_bashir

PLEASE I NEED UR HELPPPPP !!!!

hello all, first of all i am a female,20 yrs…. i’ve been with my boyfriend 5 years :).. and we are really having fun together, and he loves me so much and i do ofcourse..

2 years, he asked me to do sex with him, so we did it but lately he didn’t WANT he kept giving me excuses like um tired , i want to sleep,….etc and i felt like an IDIOT because i was the one who asked, second because i was REJECTED.. i rlly at this time feel so bad. i miss him .. i really do. AND THE SURPRISE, is that he doesn’t want that as we are not a married couple.. so he said ” let’s don’t do it.. that’s better,,we are not married” .. so i ignored the story and i stopped asking him to do sex, after a couple of weeks he asked me to do it and i said yess !!!!! and after then i asked him he told me no and he said “i do miss u too, but let’s just forget about it..that’s better.”..and the story goes on like this..untill now i am the one who asked lately and he refused.. so why did u ask me last time ???????? i am lost ! i dun know anything !!!!!!
MY QUESTIONS:
does he refuse as we are not married ?
does he refuse coz i asked him (i mean if i just ignore he may come and ask me like he did before)?
or he is not interested in me anymore?
plz tell me how to deal with him plzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
HINT: i do trust him and um sure that there is no other girl in his life :)
thank you for ur care !

Reply July 24, 2011, 9:19 pm

Sindy Flore

My spouse and i unquestionably need to think much more in that way and find out a few things i can do concerning this.

Reply May 9, 2011, 5:17 am

Tim

It sounds like your boyfriend needs to move on. If his feeling have hanged then maybe the person he needs to be honest with….is his own self. He needs to realize that the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. That means if you were dishonest in the past you will be in the future. It appears he is just allowing you to hang around because you are the better of the two evils…….with the other being just being single and dating. He seems to be preferring the “known” quantity of “you” and your dishonesty to the “unknown” of the dating world. He ore than likely is trying to find your replacement before he send you on your way. The problem is this could last for years, which is a huge waste of time for both of you.
You an not have good communication IN the bedroom if you do not have good communication OUTSIDE of the bedroom. When he stopped trusting your words he also stopped trusting your “unspoken” words.
Men need to feel safe just as much if not more as female do to facilitate their sexuality.
It appears he does not feel too safe with you any longer.

Reply March 16, 2011, 8:42 am

Stephanie

Hey there! My boyfriend and I moved into his mom’s house for the semester before we move together to California in the Fall. Everything was going great until the lies began. I lied three times in the past 2 months over the most silliest things. They were silly for me because I know I wasn’t hiding anything or anyone, I just didn’t feel comfortable telling my boyfriend. Not that I don’t share anything with him, but those days I just couldn’t control myself so I thought lying was the better way. Obviously I was wrong. My boyfriend knows me so well that he could tell something was up of course, I am a terrible liar so I ended up telling him the truth. He still doesn’t want to understand why I lied, because he thinks lying as much as I did is a deal breaker. Now he is upset because he has given me chances in the past which I haven’t appreciated because I kept fucking up. So now his feelings have changed because he thinks I am a real liar, which I’m not. So now he’s distant…he says he will let me stay at the house but his attitude will change.. Sex isn’t as good and he says its because of the lies and I just don’t know what to do.. Is it just time? What if he doesn’t get over these mistakes I made and he ends up finding someone else…?

Reply March 16, 2011, 2:34 am

Sera

I have the same problem, but the thing is -> I NEED MY ORGASMS.. I’m a girl, living together with my boyfriend for about two years now, love him to bits even though we have had lots of troubles in the past, our love is still very strong. But we sleep together in the same bed, and I’m so turned on sometimes and want to touch him and then he will often turn me down because he wants to sleep. For me, having sex is the ultimate sleeping medicine, when I cannot sleep I masturbate. We sleep together in one bed, and it’s so weird for me to go and masturbate when he’s lying next to me. It is so crappy. I am sad because we have so little sex. Once a month, or every three weeks. I have a very high desire, I would like to at least have sex a few times a week. It makes me so sad that I am young (in my 20′s !) and not sexually fulfilled, and I’m making him feel bad about it too.

Reply December 20, 2010, 10:10 pm

lily_bashir

hey sera.. BOYS are really twisted creatures :) i know we also but i think that if u just IGNORE HIM and wear a sexy thing and just lie on bed and ask him to turn off the light as u want to sleep .. it is gonna work !! and if he ask u to sex u should say no. at this time, he will feel that he wants you more than any other time and that’s bec. you rejected him.. and maybe that is the same reason to u that u want him so hard bec. he rejects u !!
(((((((((((((WHAT IS HARD TO GET .. IS HARD TO LOSE !!)))))))))))))
in the opposite side (easy come easy go)

Reply July 24, 2011, 9:29 pm

:]

i seriously have the exact same problem as you, two years, love each other, had a few problems in the past etc. i finally got my boyfriend to admit that he’s stressed about school and how fast the future is coming at him, and i helped him feel a little better about that but he’s still stressed and his libido is super low. i’m always the initiator and most of the time i get turned down with excuses of being tired or just not in the mood, but i know it’s not personal so i’m currently just trying to subtly make him feel better about school and work and wait it out. i try to “take care of myself” when he’s not around since it’s embarassing. and my god it’s really hard waiting on him. especially since his school program is two years and he may feel this way until he graduates and gets a secure comfortable job, but he’s the perfect guy in every way so i’m just toughing it out i guess..i know your post is from a while ago and i’m just wondering if things eventually picked up for you?

Reply October 29, 2011, 1:48 pm

Tim

It has been some time since the original post, however I felt the need to put in my perspective regardless.
If any women out there consider what facilitates orgasm for them they may come down to a few basic needs. A feeling of safety and relaxation would be two of the big ones. Now if it is easy for a female to tell us what makes her orgasms possible is it possible for them to understand that men are truly no different.
And also, why is it that females just simply can not get it thru their heads that it is not THEM that is no longer attractive or failing in stimulating him.
Why is it that women keep saying they want more than sex but then when sex becomes less frequent or stops then suddenly all the other things they said they wanted seem to become drastically not important?
I know more married women who are with husbands that are pretty worthless, and are none of the things women keep saying they want….
and yet when I ask…
“then why are you still there??” they will say “well he has sex with me on a regular basis”
So seriously…..I mean….seriously.

Reply November 7, 2010, 8:32 pm

Goalie

You, sir…..totally missed the point….I understand what you are saying, however, you totally missed the point.

Reply June 17, 2011, 1:11 pm

Eva

The reason this is such a problem is partially because men cheat so often. It might not even be the same man, but almost every woman who’s dated around a lot knows from experience that when a guy suddenly stops being as into sex, it could be a sign it’s because he’s getting it somewhere else.

Even if he’s not cheating, if a man loses interest in sex with you, how do you know that some other woman can’t help him find the spark again? Men’s brains are hardwired to experience a stronger honeymoon phase than women’s, and to be able to have sex with a new partner even if they should be exhausted. It’s called the Coolidge effect. Knowing that, it can be really hard to not have sex with a man when everything else seems fine. Not just because you miss having sex, but because he doesn’t seem to miss it and there’s a chance he’ll leave.

Guys exacerbate this problem by still being able to look at porn when they’re too stressed out to have sex because they don’t think of porn in the same way. Even if a woman KNOWS that, the porn is still of other women. It’s sending a really strong message that either he wants another woman, or, if he tries to explain that masturbation is less stressful, he’s saying “It’s too stressful to have sex with you.” Which is not a stroke to anyone’s ego.

Reply December 9, 2011, 12:59 pm

Eric Charles

Eva,
.
Some of what you’re saying is worth discussion and examination, but overall it’s a cynical, pessimistic and inaccurate view that’s currently being spread around as “scientific”.
.
Please don’t take any of that as directed at you personally, I promise, it’s not. Let me explain…
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There are certain biological truths that are what they are. However, there is a lot of room for *interpretation*.
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The interpretation that you’re advocating in your post kind of spells out doom for any relationship with a man. It’s not the case and fills a woman’s head with fear instead of relief and empowerment. It basically says, “Biology is stacked against you and cheating is inevitable.” Totally inaccurate.
.
Yes it is POSSIBLE that a man could lose interest in sex because he’s cheating. But often NOT the case (despite media imagery and certain heavily slanted “scientific” article’s depictions).
.
This is what I do for a living, so believe me, I’ve read all the science on it.
.
The truth is, if a guys going to cheat, it can always be traced back to core and fundamental flaws in the relationship – core needs not being addressed or possibly even noticed on both sides.
.
Sometimes a relationship is flawed from the get-go and cheating will happen. Not because biology is stacked against every women, but simply because the relationship (or the man himself) lacks the self-knowledge to recognize where his needs aren’t being met.
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Currently, Sabs and I are pulling up some studies that show how when a man feels like he’s “losing” at life, his testosterone drops which in turn drops his sex drive / labido.
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It’s not because he’s cheating… it’s because (from an evolutionary / biological standpoint) he feels like a bottom-rung male on the social ladder. Men feel like THE MAN (filled with testosterone) when they feel like the winner. And the opposite when they feel like a loser.
.
There was an episode of Sex and the City (not that I personally watched the show, but enough of my girlfriends did to watch it by proxy), where Samantha was dating a sports fanatic. When his team won, they’d have great sex. When his team lost, he wouldn’t have any interest in sex.
.
It’s an amusing depiction, but accurate too: When men feel like they won, their testosterone shoots up. And the crazy part is that feeling like a winner is determined by his attitude, perspective and interpretation of events.
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My point in all of this is that pointing to cheating is not the answer. Pointing to relationship issues that lead to cheating is far more helpful – men don’t want to cheat, if they’re doing it, it’s because it’s a last resort and they felt it was the only way to fill the unfilled need.
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I don’t care what today’s biological Zeitgeist is – it will be completely different in 10 years. I don’t care what the media is showing either… don’t even get me started there.
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Hope that clarifies and helps… things aren’t as bad as certain inaccurate, skewed and sensationalized junk science depicts them as. It’s just to sell books and newspapers – it’s garbage transmitted through fancy vocabulary and scientific terms.

Reply December 9, 2011, 1:56 pm

Teresa

Hi Eric! My boyfriend and I have known each other for a long time before we dated. He’s a great guy. We started to date seriously January 2011. He had some life issues then, I helped him out a bit till he got back on his feet. May 2011 we moved in together. Everything was fine and sex was great! Eight months later, sex started to wane. I’ve talked to him about it and he assured me he’s not cheating. He confessed this has happened with his previous relationships. After a few months e is just not interested in sex anymore and became happy with small things like hugging, kissing and snuggling. He’s a real sensitive and caring guy. We kiss, hug and snuggle all the time. But sex is getting so infrequent that I am on porn all the time. He knows about this and feels less of a man because he can’t satisfy me. Or cant do sex as often asi need to. I do the initiation most of the time. It’s getting boring. He’s been to the doctor and everything is fine. He’s athletically built and works out 3-4x a week. He’s 36 and all seem working fine except the sex drive. What do I do?

Reply September 24, 2012, 1:38 am

Verna

I am going through something smilar. He loss his job a month ago and we have gone from daily contact and twice weekly getting together to just 3 phone call in 3 weeks and no contact. Admittedly we both traveled in the last month. But there is no effort on his part to get together. He did tell me at the onset that he cared for me but the impact of the job loss was affecting everything and we would not be the same until it was resolved.

Reply August 29, 2010, 10:25 pm

CY

I’m so happy i found this site, i’ve been with him for almost 8 years now. We just broke up few days ago. It’s heart broken, never felt so pain before. I didn’t actually know what he’s really thinking until i’ve read few of the stories here. after i moved out from the house, we misses each other like crazy, both of us didn’t eat well, didn’t sleep well. He didn’t have a proper career for the past 6 years. He’d tried to worked so hard, but luck just wasn’t there. He used to provide everything for me. and since his career went downhill, i’ve became a provider for the past 3 years. I’m always there to spiritual support him, encourage him, but we both so stressed and unhappy, we started have sex lesser, spend time together lesser. Everyone ask when is our wedding day. You see, not just money, stresses, wedding, sex, every little thing adds up. I wasn’t very happy with our relationship because i was really stressed out but i hang on there. As i think he can sees what killing our relationship, so He thought through and dropped a big bomb, asked me to move out, he said he’s confuse, he not sure his love for me as a lover or family anymore, he thinks our spark gone, because we been living together for so long. Here’s his profile, He’s 37, just found a potential job a month ago, doesn’t have any properties, zero money in the bank. He’s kiwi, living in Malaysia and i’m malaysian. He always tell me he hang on in malaysia because of me. I’m truly believe he is a proper guy for all these while. When he tried to break up with me, he told me when he sees other woman he’s horny, he doesn’t loves me as his lover blah blah blah….. after few days, he seems a little nicer to me, he said he’s so stress, he cant commit to me, he doesn’t have money, he tried to protect me so been apart is what best for us now. He’s miss me, he has feeling for me. Ask me to be strong, he cares about me a lots. When i don’t expect him to call, he calls. I’ve become so insane and i cant help myself to message him to say i love him, miss him, all these making me so obsess so crazy,it actually scares me, I’m totally devastated but having hope at the same times. I’m totally week and getting insane…..i know all i can do is just wait, give him space. But by waiting i cant help myself having hope, at the same time i’m not sure what he would decide, i wont be able to handle another heartache from him, i would go psycho…..what should i do……

Reply March 4, 2010, 4:01 am

Asa

Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this, and for your knowledge in this area. Have gone through a couple of other posts, and they’re all so insightful.
Your advice could not be any more timely.

Reply February 25, 2010, 12:22 am

CJ Fal

This article was helpful. I’m 21 and my fiance is 22. We already have a 2 year old together and i’ve been feeling like he isn’t interested in me, but after reading this I feel a little better. He has been laid off for about a year now and now that i think about it, these issues started when he got laid off. I just don’t know what to do. I hope that he can work it out and that we can start planning a wedding soon. I would hate to become a single mother, especially when I am so madly in love with him.

Reply January 28, 2010, 5:12 pm

Paula S

Great article! It’s difficult for women to feel rejected (especially when it comes to sex) because we assume guys always want it. But it’s good to have a reminder that they have their ups and downs just like we do. If the rest of the relationship is good and strong I agree that a little bit of patience and understanding in this situation is just what the doctor ordered.

Reply December 15, 2009, 10:19 pm

Pilar

Thanks SO much for this article. It is nice to hear from someone besides my man that this might indeed be normal behavior. When we first met we went at it like bunnies, but things took a dive after a few months. (Being unaware of his outside problems, I half-jokingly suspected he might be gay or cheating!)

Now we’ve been together for a couple years, and I understand the sources of the problem. It hasn’t gotten better, though. How long do you think a woman should wait? I have a healthy sex drive, and although I’ve gotten better about not taking his reduced libido so personally, sometimes I miss being able to have sex more than once a month (if that).

It especially drives me nuts when all my friends whine at me about how much their boyfriends/husbands “bug them” for sex! I can’t bring myself to share MY problem with anyone. It is very isolating.

Reply December 15, 2009, 9:40 pm

Ellen

This is very interesting. Even though I am a pretty driven person, my feelings towards sex didn’t change a bit when I lost my job. I can see though, how a guy would be more focused on landing back on his feet. There is always that unspoken “rule” that guys need to be the providers, and a lot of guys put pressure on themselves to have it all. It was also interesting that you said a guy loses his dirty fantasies and focuses on the deeper connection when he’s in a serious relationship. I’ve been in a relationship for almost four years, and if I had to guess, I’d say this is true for my guy, too. Is there a way–maybe something I could do (within reason, haha)–to satisfy my guy both ways?

http://www.firednfabulous.blogspot.com/

Reply December 15, 2009, 2:24 pm

Eric Charles

Hey Ellen,

There was a study about the effect of job loss on men versus women – even when controlling for men and women of equal aspirations, men took job loss a lot harder than women. I wish I had a link to the study…

My guess is that it has to do with how men view their worth and sexuality as something they earn through achievement, so when their job takes a hit it’s like a loss of sexual power and worth.

As for your question about reaching your guy at that level sexually, I would say definitely yes it’s possible. Definitely helps that you’re interested in stepping up – that’s half the battle I believe.

That’s an area that goes beyond where I would cover on this website though – I know there are great books on subject that are probably worth checking out. I wouldn’t worry about it though – if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it… if things seem good, they probably are.

Reply December 15, 2009, 6:46 pm

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