I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 7 months now. I really love him and our relationship is really wonderful in a lot of ways. However, he hasn’t been that into having sex for about a month now. I’m always the one to initiate it and he usually gives me excuses, saying he’s tired or stressed and whatnot. When he does give in, he just doesn’t seem that into it.
I should mention that he recently got laid off and is obviously having a hard time with that.
I just don’t know, I mean, I thought guys were always supposed to be up for sex no matter what. Is he just not attracted to me anymore? I just feel like such an idiot every time my own boyfriend shuts me down. What’s going on here??
See our guy’s response after the jump!
In this case, I think it has a lot to do with him being laid off.
There’s a huge connection between a man’s sense of sexual desirability and his ability to be effective in the world. Let me flesh this out because I am being careful to not isolate it to jobs.
Generally speaking, the guy that feels the most sexually desirable and down for sex is also the guy that feels he has the world in his palm. Doesn’t mean he has a mega-salary and high-status job – I am just saying that when a guy feels like he’s got life under control in a way he thinks it should be, he’s going to be a lot more confident than a man who doesn’t feel that way.
Maybe it’s a shame thing too. I mean, when a guy gets laid off or fails at something that’s important to him, it will be hard for him not to be down on himself for at least a little while.
It’s a weird thing, but I’ve been in a loving relationship when my work started falling apart and I didn’t want anything to do with sex in the relationship. I was ashamed of where I was at the time and the last thing I wanted was to be loved since it would have felt more like pity (even if it wasn’t). What I really wanted was to land back on my feet and start conquering the world again.
Writing about this is a little weird for me because it’s really personal (and I am a private person in general), but I think it’s worthwhile for people to be frank about this sort of thing. I also think that the average guy could relate to what I’m talking about here – my guess is that it’s fairly universal.
I would say losing a job would knock the average guy down for a little while at least and if he’s very achievement-focused, it could have a longer lasting, deeper impact.
To touch upon what you said at the end – whether or not guys in general are always up for sex is an endless debate. What you’re talking about here isn’t “guys always being up for sex”; you’re talking about your own relationship and your guy.
Moreover, sexuality in relationships is a complex thing. I mean, to be blunt, guys have a whole spectrum of things they like that get them turned on. In some cases, dirty, demeaning, awful things.
When a guy starts to really love a girl, his sexual relation to the girl changes too. It becomes harder and harder to have the sexual fantasy with the girl he’s with and becomes more about the depth of his love for her (believe me, this is not meant to be sensitive or new-agey, it’s just how it happens for all guys.)
Part of that depth and love that a guy shares with his woman is disrupted when he suddenly feels like he’s a failure or a loser or things are going wrong. Instead of feeling like he’s your man, he feels more like the burden you’re stuck with.
So guys are always up for “sex” as a concept, as in the dirty fantasy (and on occasions in real life). But sexuality is more complex than just physical movement in a relationship and his psychological state certainly is going to have an effect on how ready and willing he is going to be. I guess you could say that guys have a standard that they work to live up to in relationships and when they don’t hit that level, their attention goes toward trying to fix the problem instead of sex.
I guess the question now is what can you do? I would say that if you love him, you should wait it out. Hopefully he is looking for ways to get back on his feet. He might be mopey for a bit, but don’t let him get down on himself – he needs to get back t0 a place mentally where he feels he’s on top of his game again, then I would say it’s quite likely that he’ll come around.
You don’t have to be his shrink or his mommy or anything. Give him space to figure his stuff out, don’t pressure him about the sex thing and try your best to be patient. If you can do those things, I think you’ll be fine in a relatively short period of time.
Hope it helps.
- eric charles
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This is very interesting. Even though I am a pretty driven person, my feelings towards sex didn’t change a bit when I lost my job. I can see though, how a guy would be more focused on landing back on his feet. There is always that unspoken “rule” that guys need to be the providers, and a lot of guys put pressure on themselves to have it all. It was also interesting that you said a guy loses his dirty fantasies and focuses on the deeper connection when he’s in a serious relationship. I’ve been in a relationship for almost four years, and if I had to guess, I’d say this is true for my guy, too. Is there a way–maybe something I could do (within reason, haha)–to satisfy my guy both ways?
http://www.firednfabulous.blogspot.com/
Hey Ellen,
There was a study about the effect of job loss on men versus women – even when controlling for men and women of equal aspirations, men took job loss a lot harder than women. I wish I had a link to the study…
My guess is that it has to do with how men view their worth and sexuality as something they earn through achievement, so when their job takes a hit it’s like a loss of sexual power and worth.
As for your question about reaching your guy at that level sexually, I would say definitely yes it’s possible. Definitely helps that you’re interested in stepping up – that’s half the battle I believe.
That’s an area that goes beyond where I would cover on this website though – I know there are great books on subject that are probably worth checking out. I wouldn’t worry about it though – if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it… if things seem good, they probably are.
Thanks SO much for this article. It is nice to hear from someone besides my man that this might indeed be normal behavior. When we first met we went at it like bunnies, but things took a dive after a few months. (Being unaware of his outside problems, I half-jokingly suspected he might be gay or cheating!)
Now we’ve been together for a couple years, and I understand the sources of the problem. It hasn’t gotten better, though. How long do you think a woman should wait? I have a healthy sex drive, and although I’ve gotten better about not taking his reduced libido so personally, sometimes I miss being able to have sex more than once a month (if that).
It especially drives me nuts when all my friends whine at me about how much their boyfriends/husbands “bug them” for sex! I can’t bring myself to share MY problem with anyone. It is very isolating.
Great article! It’s difficult for women to feel rejected (especially when it comes to sex) because we assume guys always want it. But it’s good to have a reminder that they have their ups and downs just like we do. If the rest of the relationship is good and strong I agree that a little bit of patience and understanding in this situation is just what the doctor ordered.
This article was helpful. I’m 21 and my fiance is 22. We already have a 2 year old together and i’ve been feeling like he isn’t interested in me, but after reading this I feel a little better. He has been laid off for about a year now and now that i think about it, these issues started when he got laid off. I just don’t know what to do. I hope that he can work it out and that we can start planning a wedding soon. I would hate to become a single mother, especially when I am so madly in love with him.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this, and for your knowledge in this area. Have gone through a couple of other posts, and they’re all so insightful.
Your advice could not be any more timely.
I’m so happy i found this site, i’ve been with him for almost 8 years now. We just broke up few days ago. It’s heart broken, never felt so pain before. I didn’t actually know what he’s really thinking until i’ve read few of the stories here. after i moved out from the house, we misses each other like crazy, both of us didn’t eat well, didn’t sleep well. He didn’t have a proper career for the past 6 years. He’d tried to worked so hard, but luck just wasn’t there. He used to provide everything for me. and since his career went downhill, i’ve became a provider for the past 3 years. I’m always there to spiritual support him, encourage him, but we both so stressed and unhappy, we started have sex lesser, spend time together lesser. Everyone ask when is our wedding day. You see, not just money, stresses, wedding, sex, every little thing adds up. I wasn’t very happy with our relationship because i was really stressed out but i hang on there. As i think he can sees what killing our relationship, so He thought through and dropped a big bomb, asked me to move out, he said he’s confuse, he not sure his love for me as a lover or family anymore, he thinks our spark gone, because we been living together for so long. Here’s his profile, He’s 37, just found a potential job a month ago, doesn’t have any properties, zero money in the bank. He’s kiwi, living in Malaysia and i’m malaysian. He always tell me he hang on in malaysia because of me. I’m truly believe he is a proper guy for all these while. When he tried to break up with me, he told me when he sees other woman he’s horny, he doesn’t loves me as his lover blah blah blah….. after few days, he seems a little nicer to me, he said he’s so stress, he cant commit to me, he doesn’t have money, he tried to protect me so been apart is what best for us now. He’s miss me, he has feeling for me. Ask me to be strong, he cares about me a lots. When i don’t expect him to call, he calls. I’ve become so insane and i cant help myself to message him to say i love him, miss him, all these making me so obsess so crazy,it actually scares me, I’m totally devastated but having hope at the same times. I’m totally week and getting insane…..i know all i can do is just wait, give him space. But by waiting i cant help myself having hope, at the same time i’m not sure what he would decide, i wont be able to handle another heartache from him, i would go psycho…..what should i do……