I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and eight months. I knew he never wanted to get married but assumed we would eventually live together.
He now tells me that he doesn’t want to live together. He likes living alone.
I am so heartbroken. It feels like I don’t have a future together. He seems to put himself and friends first before me. He tells me he loves me always and forever. I am confused. Do I stay with the man I love more than anything in this world? What do I do if my boyfriend doesn’t want to move-in together?
Relationships don’t always make us happy. But relationships are guaranteed to make one or both people grow… maybe not immediately in the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship, but sooner or later a relationship will force us to face things we would rather not face.
This may sound like a downer statement, but it really isn’t. It’s a great part of relationships – it’s the part that makes us grow as people.
You figured that you would eventually move in together. He’s saying that he likes living alone.
Regardless of what vision you had in your head of how you think things should be or could be eventually, he’s not looking for that to be the reality right now.
In fact, he’d probably currently look at living together as something that would trap him and confine him.
Now at this point, it would be really easy for a girl to get really upset and think there’s no future. Well the truth is that she’d be right to think there’s no future… because there never really is any future to begin with.
What I mean is… the “future” is just an idea or image we have in our head about how things should be or how we want things to be or how we expect things to be.
But if that future doesn’t match reality… we get upset. When you really think about it, that’s silly. It’s just an imaginary story in your head… nobody truly ever knows what the future holds for them or their relationship.
I can tell you this though… if you like the relationship as it is right now… if you love him as your man right now… if you can live with the relationship exactly as it is right now… then be happy and don’t mess with it.
It’s funny, but a lot of the time relationship conflicts happen because one person has an idea or vision in their head and their partner has no idea of what the other one’s “image” of the relationship is. And instead of giving each other trust and space, the one with the “image” or “vision” of how the relationship “should” be just starts freaking out and attacking their partner for not “getting it”. (By “getting it” I mean the partner not participating in the fantasy that the other one has in his/her mind for the relationship.)
Don’t get caught up in fantasy land. See things exactly as they are at this exact moment and don’t make it into a problem for yourself.
This is a huge reason why I’m always encouraging the readers here to have fun and fulfillment in their life outside of their relationship – the biggest reason is that when we have idle time to think about our relationship, it can be easy to go into “fantasy” land about the relationship and create conflict and problems in our mind where there is none.
Give him space to be where he’s at. If you love him, accept him exactly as he is now and don’t “need” him to be or act differently. And if you can’t accept him and you absolutely must have him be different than he is now, then let him know what you need and if he can’t give it to you… break up.
But don’t confuse what I’m saying here. I’m not talking about something you really want. I’m not talking about something that you think is worth coercing him for.
I’m talking about something that you NEED and couldn’t live without in the relationship. You know that you NEED something in your relationship if breaking up seems better than continuing a relationship where your need isn’t met.
I could be wrong, but I have the impression that you’re not at that point yet. And when it comes to a relationship, you need to accept all of the person – you can’t pick and choose what parts of him you want to accept and which you don’t. If he’s not ready to live with you now, then that’s really where he’s at.
The best thing you can do is love him exactly as he is and give him every reason to be inspired to love you more deeply too. Bring the best parts of you to the relationship always – make your relationship the place where you celebrate what it is to be happy in your life and share your best moods, your best inspiration and your best appreciation for him.
It’s a sad thing, but I’ve met all sorts of women who think their relationship should be “better” somehow and their approach to improve the relationship is to constantly nag her boyfriend, argue/blame/attack him for things or sulk around being depressed that her relationship is isn’t “better”.
Amazingly, these girls always get dumped shortly after acting like this… hmmmm…
So that’s why I’m saying that your best bet is to go in the directions of deeper love and appreciation for him, versus trying to find some way to manipulate him to change or something like that. Or, if it’s a dealbreaker… leave.
Hope it helps,