Ask A Guy: Does He Really Love Me? post image

Ask A Guy: Does He Really Love Me?

I met this guy about 3 years ago- he liked me then but I wasn’t so into him at the time. He recently asked me out and I decided to give him a chance and we’ve been seeing each other for about 3 months now. He said he loved me a couple of days into the relationship and would say it often, but sometime during the relationship he completely withdrew for no reason.

He stopped calling or texting and stopped picking up my calls. We eventually made up after I made the standard girl mistake of sending him numerous texts about how much I loved him.

The problem now is he hardly ever calls. Sometimes 3 to 4 days could go by and I’ll get no call from him. We live and work at different ends of town and I know that makes it difficult, but he hardly asks to see me or makes the effort to make time for us.

When I tried to talk to him about it (over the phone) he said he was always busy with work, got upset and hung up. Now he’s withdrawn again and I refuse to be treated the same way again so I haven’t called or texted. Its been almost a week now and no word from him. I don’t know if I’m handling things the wrong way or if he never really loved me in the first place. I need a way forward.

Read our guy’s response after the jump!

From what you’ve told me, it sounds like he was infatuated with you for a long time. On top of that, you weren’t all that into him when he first liked you, which probably made you appear irresistible in his eyes… It’s a funny thing about people – when you deny someone something, they almost become obsessed with trying to get you.

I think that’s a topic worth looking at. You weren’t that into him at first and he liked you. When a guy is in a situation like that, he usually never stops liking you like that unless:
1) he finds another girl who he thinks is incredible (and focuses all his attention on her)
2) you fall from grace dramatically to the point where even he isn’t attracted anymore (and once he’s hooked, that takes a lot!)
3) he finally gets you…

Let’s talk about #3. Imagine this… You’re this guy and you see this girl who you think is pretty, smart, fun, intelligent, etc. You like her and you’d love to spend some time with her and see where things go. You try to make it happen and… she’s not that into you.

So now you’re in a situation where you like this girl and she isn’t feeling you. It’s not that she’s mean… she’s nice to you… but you just know that she feels no kind of attraction whatsoever.

For a guy, that’s WORSE than a girl flat out rejecting you in a mean way. The reason it’s worse is because if a girl is cold or mean about the way she rejects the guy, at least he can say to himself, “Oh it’s just because she’s a cold/mean person.” Of course, guys use a more colorful vocabulary, but that’s the meaning behind it. A guy can recover pretty quickly from a gut-punch like that. At the very least, it implies that she is not attracted to his approach, but she at least thinks he has the strength to handle rejection.

When a girl is nice to a guy overall, but just isn’t interested in him in a romantic sense, it is crushing! It’s crushing because it’s as if he feels something for a girl, but he’s “not good enough” for her to feel anything back. And since she’s nice to him, it comes across that she feels bad for him. Few things could make a guy feel more pathetic and pitiful than having a girl feel sorry for him for liking her.

And what’s worse is he doesn’t know why it is! When people talk about reasons women are attracted to men, words like chemistry and confidence and coolness come up.

But for a guy, chemistry and confidence and coolness aren’t products you can buy to look more attractive to women. A guy can’t spray on chemistry like perfume, or apply confidence like it were lip gloss or throw on some coolness as if it were a push-up bra.

I’m not trying to be superficial here… I’m just trying to illustrate a sad point about today’s society: When a man isn’t able to attract the woman he wants, it’s very very difficult for him to know why. Men don’t have countless racks filled with magazines promising him ways to be sexier to women, understand women better, etc. In fact, there’s almost a stigma against a guy that wants to look for help with attracting women. After all, he’s “just supposed to know”, right?

I’m talking about this here because I want to illustrate what it’s like for a guy in his position. He’s confused, he’s embarrassed and he doesn’t feel “good enough” to have what he wants. Just imagine feeling all that… and now imagine feeling all that every time you see the girl you like or think about her. And you can’t help but think about her since after all, you like her and you can’t have her. As a result, all the guy wants is for that awful feeling in the pit of his stomach to disappear. All he wants is to just feel good enough.

So he works and he works. He tries to be the best man he can be in the best ways he knows how. He gets better and better at the game of life.

Time goes by and he feels like he’s on top of his game. Still, he does not know for certain if he is truly “good enough” – he doesn’t know why he wasn’t “good enough” in the first place and he doesn’t really know if he’s “good enough” now. However, he does know that if you like him back then something changed and now he is “good enough”!

Oh, to be “good enough”! What a sweet, sweet victory and relief that would be… To release all those years of pain, sadness, loneliness, confusion, anger, shame… all those emotions that men wouldn’t dare showing when they don’t feel “good enough”…

So you come into the picture again and things start looking good… promising… And he is so excited to finally be able to dump this awful feeling that he is elated! Ecstatic! He loves this feeling!! And because you are the only one who can release him from it… he loves you.

He loves you… well… does he love you? I guess it really depends on how closely the goddess he’s created in his head matches who you are in real life.

That’s the problem. When someone is infatuated with you for a long time, they fantasize about who you are and what it would be like to be with you. You become a fantasy in their mind and you will remain that way in his mind unless reality replaces that image of you in his mind.

Think about it… how in the world could he possibly love you after two days of dating? Well to him, he’s been dating the fantasy image of you and the idea of “being good enough” for three years now! That’s what he loves…

On the other hand, that is NOT to say that I don’t believe in love at first sight and that sort of thing. I do – sometimes people just click and they just know they’ll truly love each other. But even in those cases, I think it starts out as something different that we just label “love”. I would say what we call “love at first sight” is really “strong infatuation at first sight with a ton of relationship potential.” :)

Speaking to the point, from what you’ve told me, it sounds like he was dealing with his own issues and you happened to be the girl who he thought he couldn’t get. Once he got you, all that motivation and momentum changed… he no longer has that sickening feeling that he wants to get rid of. And once the euphoria of that wears off, he’s onto the “next thing” he wants to address in his life.

Meanwhile, you’re wondering where all the infatuation went… Where all the attention went… Where’s the love?

Well, as long as he believes that he’s “good enough”, he feels secure and happy with that area of his life. For him, his problem is solved. For you, a problem has just begun: Why did this guy who was so into me just go cold? And now you’re probably thinking, “What did I do wrong?” And you might even have thought that you’re somehow not “good enough” for him now.

It’s a vicious cycle. The fact is, being good enough or doing the right thing never had anything to do with how you related to the other person. It has everything to do with how you relate to yourself.

I think the best thing you can do is to step back and put your attention on other things. Create some space for him to come back to you – occupy yourself with doing things you enjoy, spending time with your friends… loving life in general.

It sounds weird to say, but sometimes I feel people are like cats – when you take your attention off of them, they come back to you and will do anything to get you back. I’m not saying to be manipulative with that, but I think it’s worth noting.

Worst case scenario is he doesn’t come back. But if that happens, at least you’re living a life that you’re truly enjoying, instead of waiting around for a man that isn’t putting the time and effort into the relationship.

Hope that helps.

– eric charles

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I was in exact situation last year. It feels being used. It is very selfish of a man to feel worthy by gaining others attention and then moving on to next venture when the other person has accepted them. I think if you really don’t care or think you can find a better person in life and feel hurt by his attitude just cut him off and make him realize that you liked him because u thought he desperately needed you. You were being kind to him else a person like him would have never caught your attention in the first place. Thank him for his hard work and wish him luck for the next venture. The key thing here is that if you guys didn’t click 3 years ago then you will never click years after , it will only be an effort from each side. I see it this way , if he was the kind of guy you would like to spend the rest of your life, then you would certainly know it as soon as you met him. It would not go unnoticed for 3 years. I would advise to tell him clearly that you just got attached because he pursued hard and not because you actually found him attractive. That will at least bring back your self respect and he will know how it feels to leave someone or get distant after using them.

Reply October 12, 2015, 1:38 am


I have a comment about the statement that a guy can’t just spray on chemistry, or put on confidence like lip gloss etc. Neither can a woman. We are constantly told to be confident like it’s something we can just do. We can work on it, we can pretend, but real confidence is no easier for a woman than it is a man. And crushing on someone who doesn’t think we are worthy is just as difficult for us. You know very well that a man can tell when a girl is crushing on them as when we can tell a guy is into us. Women have fragile egos too. Why has that always been considered so much less than a man’s ego? Because we swallow our pride and a man doesn’t very often maybe?

Reply July 14, 2015, 12:23 pm


I have a comment about losing my password and I sent 7 emails asking for it to be resent with no reply!! Since I can’t read he’s not that complicated without my password I want a refund because I can’t read the book I purchased from you!!! Very frustrating

Reply June 17, 2015, 5:22 pm


I met this guy on Facebook which I had a crush in high school and we talked for a month and started dating but the thing is that he just broke up with his ex a couple months before he tried getting back with her and I took him back after that which was dumb of me he wouldn’t make an effort to come see me or take me on a date I would always drive him around and I would be the one to pick him up and pay for everything because I felt bad that he never had money for his rent he always told me he never wanted a relationship with me that I forced him but I always showed him that I loved him and he did nothing but tell me I’m not mature seems like I feel in love with the wrong guy

Reply May 9, 2015, 1:32 am


I be been dating this guy from my church for seven months it was the best thing ever happened. After three months of just talking on the phone for hours we went on are first date it was a movie we had our first kiss wonderful and we had been spending almost everyday together since well recently he has seemed distant less calls and texts. He says it’s not another women but I feel different. He has said the L word a couple times but random I’m not sure what to think now I thought we were doing great. Does this mean he has had fun but ready to move on now? I’m confused

Reply April 21, 2015, 2:38 pm


Help. I been dated this guy off and on for over six years . He just decides without any warning to disappear sometimes for weeks or months. Then somehow we end up getting back together . The last time we went good for eight months. I not sure if I upset one night that I went out with friends but he didn’t answer my texts or calls. I offer him to go with . I haven’t hesrd from him . I text him and told him how i really loved him and missed him. No answer. It’s been almost a month since I last seen him. It’s been almost three weeks since I last text him. I want him back but I am very confused about the whole situation . I font understand it at all. I thought maybe a guys view could help me. When we are together he tells me he loves me and shows it. He has been hurt bad in past. Please help me with deciding if he is worth another try.

Reply April 5, 2015, 8:13 pm


Hi. So I have been dating this guy B for three months. When I met him he told me I he only wanted casual dating. I was okay with that at the time. Then we say each other pretty much 1-3 times a week. He works shift work so some times its more than others. We slept together on our third date and we watched a tone of of movies. We had a fight about where this wad going. He said i wasnt giving us a vhance beacuse i wanted to know that if in three to six months if i asked him to be my bf wpuld.he say yes or automatic just fwb. He got mad and i told him i was not giving up on us just dont wanna break my heart. This lead to text silence for a day then a convo in person and i thought he would end it soon. However he kept spending time with me. He told me how his ex finace was not supportive of him.He came to meet my friends on Halloween. An in November I asked him too meet my family. He said he felt it was too soon. I told him I have never asked a person to meet my family before and I don’t want to pressure him. He then came to an ugly sweater party with me in December as well as two other parties where he even came and met my family. We had our own Christmas and when one of his female friends dropped by with gifts randomly. He got flustered. It didn’t bother me and I told him that. He told me that he thinks she likes him and that she knows he is dating me and that this is why he didn’t want a relationship. I should have called him on that there but I was so excited that he final said he was dating me. By this point he as told me i could keep shampoo at his house and he never commented on if i left something there. He merely said it was there when i needed it. I made sure to take it home with me next time. Before he came to the christmas party i askef him if i could call him my bf yet but he ignoref it. He also pointed out one time that he thinks my friend M likes me. I said no. He seemed realived.
He left for Christmas and we texted through out. He even told me the loved how good I am too him as well as comforting me when my grandfather was sick. He was always does when I’m worried. He even jked about it with my family. Some days we text more then others over the Christmas break. However near the end I found it was more me then him. But he would send me a message. i also asked him to come to dinner with two different sets of friend and a new years drink with just us when he got back and he said he could do that. He also would not say goodnight as much. But if I didn’t get answer it didn’t bug me I’d msged him if I thought of something funny or something he’d like. Maybe too much
We pretty much have talked everyday since I met him. But then he’d said he be home Sunday or Monday. Sunday he texted for a bit then nothing I said goodnight like normal but hockey was on and I always get ignored when hockey. Nothing was too we did he refused to call me my name because everyone else called me that so he calls me hun pretty girl or girl or babe which he was still doing until this morning. Then he told me that he wasn’t home that he was in niagara falls. I said ok well I guess I’ll see you when you get back. He didn’t answer so I may have sent too more msges then told him to have a goodnight. He said “you have a goodnight too. I’m turning my phone off so I don’t get bombarded while I’m in Niagara falls”. I had a mini melt down in my doctors office in the back room. I was sure he was seeing someone else. By the this point he had not flat out told me we were dating each other. I just had the one earlier comment.
I Went to my bffs for dinner and she pointed out roaming charges. I said oh right. Then an hour later he was on facebook and said the only reason his phone was on was for hockey. He even made plans with his bff which is fine I can stay busy without him and he hasn’t seen Alex in a while. Then this girl posted pictures of them. I was like okay. He has lots of female friends and cousins so okay and he was wearing the shirt I bought him in the pic. I liked a few pics and turned off my computer. I was able to sleep and I turned to my phone and she posted more. 32+ ppl liked the one image. A few commented. And she said when they asked who he was she said ” B. ( : ) ) he’s such a sweet heart”. She also posted a pick of him kissing her cheek. He was still wearing a he shirt i bought him. I creeped her (not my finer moment) a little bit and he has know her for a while. He doesnt call her any pet names i can see. Hes called me hun on fb a couple times for all to see but none on hers. So i msged him and said hey id like to talk with you when you get back. Now what? What’s going on? What do I say now that I’m calm. I even called him over Christmas. Phones scare me so it was a big deal. He knows too because he knows my phone feelings and he prefers it
I am however resloved to not message him again till he messages me.

Reply January 6, 2015, 4:45 am


I like theat it’s really helps ,, but can I know how to ask a question ??!!

Reply January 5, 2015, 10:47 am

boo thang????

Me and my man have been talking since the 13 th of this month. He got drunk the other night kept telling me I was beautiful, he loved me, took me to his dad’s grave (his never took anyone there so told me to feel very special). He also said that he was my old man. Then he stayed aft my house abd slept yesterday while sobbering up. He’s never stayed with me like that we were together almost 24 hours. But then today I haven’t spoken with him abd it’s 4 in the afternoon. And I text him lastnight asking if he meant it what he was saying abd he told me that he wouldn’t day it if he didn’t mean it. Is he playing with my emotions, only after sex, or do you think he is really into me abd loves me?

Reply December 29, 2014, 4:14 pm


Well this all depends on how long where u 2 was sperated for and if he made any tine for u before he spent the 24 hours this kinda tells me its harf and harf but then again men can be good liers and fake in order to get what they want as he took u to hes dad grave and said he is your old man thats just creepy :/ that should be a red flag right thir if he really loves u and he meant what he said to you and it wasnt the boose talking he should tell u call u text you but even if he did do that u have to be carefull to me this sounds like he kinda did use uand trying to get u back under hes thum if he is real to want to be with you boose should never of took place at all seems he had an ich and u was the closerst to fix it i know this sounds wrong but like if u really think about it it wasnt a 2 way agreement he was drunk u havnt told if u was or not and if u wasnt then yeah he playn your emotions been thir number of times so my best suergestion is if he really means it he would make it work with out the boose i wish u good luck and keep your self safe hugs

Reply December 29, 2014, 6:57 pm


Hy guys,
I have got a problem but first of all I have to tell you my story. The guy who used to be my ex now wants to come back to me.
Now a little bit about his and mine relationship. I met this guy back a couple of years ago. He seemed to be smart in the beginning and told me that he wanted to marry me right away. Not always does it imply a red flag when someone tells you right at the begining that he wants to marry you. Guys learn. The more experience they have made relationshipwise the more prudent they become. Well, he is a guy that has learnt a lot through experience. He is a foreign student in my country and used to attend the same university as me. Him being a foreign student, made me a little bit sceptical about his real marriage intentions towards me in the begininng. But since he had many chances of girls wanting to marry him in the past, I less wondered whether he just wanted to marry me in order to get a permanent stay in my country or whether he wanted to marry to start a serious relationship. After months of talking and dating it turned out, that he really loved me and wanted to marry me, as I am the type of girl who never had a relationship with any guy before meeting him. This was a sign for him that I was not a “play-girl” but a “serious kind of relationship” girl. According to him I am the type of girl he was looking for so long. Moreover I am from a very strict religious backround. With “strict religious backround” I want to point out that it is e.g. absoululy taboo in my familiy to have sex before marriage or to have a loose relationship with a boy without the intention of getting married after some time. Furthermore, he told me, that has reached the age to marry a girl and to settle down with her. He felt ready to start a familiy and to settle down. He was fed up with superficial relationships.Well to that point of time he hasn`t told me much about his past. The only thing he told me was that he had a long term relationship before me which lasted 3 years but ended one year before we met.
Well, the point came, where he wanted to meet my parents, he wanted to see my father and to ask him whether he would accept him marriying me. Him and me have both the same cultural background were it is common for a man to see the father of the girl he wants to marry and to ask the father for the hand of his daughter for marriage. Anyways, I told him right in the begining, that it will be hard to convince my father that he was the right guy for me, as my father wants a guy the same nationality I am. But the guy was another nationality than me. Well the guy tried to convince me, that he just wanted to have a try. But each time he wanted to meet my father I told him not to. As I also had doubt in my heart whether he was faithful or not to me. I dont know but there was something in my heart that made me doubt that man every time I saw him or was talking to him. This doubt in my heart occured in the second year after we met. Well we spent years together, we saw and talked to each other. We only saw each other outside at the university. … After three years of seeing and talking and hoping, he recieved his degree and wanted to do his Masters. As his application was refused at our university he had to move away to another city. He was angry at me for not letting him approach my father during he was in my town. He was very angry at me that I have not used the time when he lived in my town. That was where he told me that he will end the relationship. He moved to another city and we havent even said goodby to each other in person. The only thing he did was sending me a textmessage saying “bye” the day he had to take the train for the other city. After meeting him I got so much knowledge about his past and this by just putting his entire name in google. It turned out that he had so many female contacts… sometimes it happened during our time dating and him telling me he wanted to marry me, that he was in touch with some other girls of his workplace. Each time I approached him in regard to those girls he told me that I was the reason as I did not allow him to meet my parents hence he trys it with someone else …. Well after a year of him being away from my hometown he tried to start the contact several times with me again but each time small conflicts developed and we said goodbye to each other again. As we came to the conclusion that we both were not made for each other. And that the relationship between him and me has to end. …Now he wants to come back to my hometown to tell me he wants to see me for three days. My question is, does this man really can t forget me or let me go? Does he still wants to be together with me? Does he still love me or has hopes for him and me marriying one day? If you need further information about him and me just ask, I will supply you with the information needed. Thank you guys for your help.

Reply December 22, 2014, 1:01 pm


Hello my name is ann and i can understand how you feel about this i will make it to the point of your questions.

Q1. He is trying to use you as an out let and he can not let go simple.

Q2. In any way do not rush to live back together if you both have had bad issues in the past it isn’t the right course to let him in anyway possible to live back together he is only trying to get what he wants and not respect you in any way possible.

Q3. Same possably as Q2 and seems he would try he’s luck again and seems as you have already made it clear to him what your wishes are and blame you for everything it isn’t right and may try to groom you to get what he wants.

its a consern he has already ticked all the red flags if you are always second guessing your self about him thir is your answer DONT DO IT i hope this helps you wish you luck hugs you are not alone

Reply December 25, 2014, 3:07 am


Known my boyfriend for a year and 1/2. Been seeing each other over a year now. Been bf/gf for 6+ months now. Had to ask if we were a couple in August. He said yes I guess. Told him in August I loved him. Said that’s a big word and why. I explained that there were lots of reasons. This past weekend I asked him if he loved me. (I know… Bad thing to do but he hasn’t “said” it. Still. He isn’t one that verbalizes his feelings. But his actions are definitely there. We see each other every day in some form. I spend the night with him 5 nights a week. Together all weekend from Friday night until Monday morning. (Finally decided to start packing a bag Incase I don’t make it home which is only 10 minutes away). He got kinda upset b/c I asked him and I asked him earlier in the week if he wanted me. He said yes. Got upset at that time too. He wants me and only me and I believe he does love me and cares about me but just doesn’t verbalize it but shows in action. Guess my question is… I shouldn’t worry b/c of his actions and us spending all of our time together.

Reply December 8, 2014, 9:19 am

Secret Sally.

Right, I feel really stupid on this but I’m so confused and I’ve had so many other responses from friends and family. I see this lad every time he’s come back from working away, he always gets in contact with me when he comes back I’ve known him for 6 years and in that time we’ve been ‘seeing’ each other a lot. But we haven’t really put any labels on anything. Anyway he’s only just come back and got in contact with me every single night (only at night has he wanted to see me) not asked me to go out with him on a date or anything. I let him come round the other night and we spoke about everything, the past, his job, how awkward this situation is for me and him, then he turned round and said ‘I love you’ well I didn’t say anything because I was shocked. He does not show his feelings like that at all. But after he said them words I said nothing. Then the next day after what happened he texted me first and said “forget what I said last night it wasn’t fair”. That proper confused me because I knew what he meant straight away, but I wanted more out of him. So I asked him again and it really didn’t make sense and ever since that we haven’t spoke about it again. I really am so confused. Do I let him go once and for all?

Reply October 29, 2014, 8:11 pm


did you not just read what he said?? jesus

Reply October 29, 2014, 8:46 pm


Hello everyone! What’s up?
Well i wanna have some advice from you cause i really need it.
I’ve meet this boy his name is John , he is 20 and i am 18.
We found each other at Facebook and i really,really love him so much, we know each other for 7 months and we are also dating. Problem i have is we live in a very,very long distance and we still didn’t saw each other live.
He says that he loves me, but i don’t believe him.
I want you to show me how to make my boyfriend love me forever ? And how to trust him? I know this is crazy but i love him so much and i want a love back from him.

XOXO Rebecca ????

Reply August 6, 2014, 1:34 am


It’s totally my story.
thank you so much eric

Reply May 23, 2014, 1:09 pm


This article is the one that makes the most sense to me in my current situation and it is something that has frequently happened to me over the years. It hurts because you really do feel like you’ve ‘found love’ with people who are infatuated with you before they get to know you … and then you suddenly feel so rejected when they go off the boil. Does my personality and who i am as a person not match up to who i seem to be at first? It is my feeling that this is true of every single relationship to some degree. There will always be one partner who is more keen that the other to progress a relationship and you just have to hope that when they do get to know you… they like what they have wound up with .The irony is I have often felt I fell for the other person just when they are pulling away. I put this down to the ‘treat em mean, keep em keen’ syndrome and more about fear of loss than genuine attraction. Vicious circle indeed!!!!

Reply January 3, 2014, 6:40 am


We met in high school and I liked him and we were friends. Later in college he contacted me and wanted to be more than friends; however, I felt he did not make enough of an effort and stopped all contact. He tried hard to show me he cared by buying gifts and writing me love letters after it wad too late. It was truly over and I never gave him another chance. 24 years later I found him on Facebook. He friended me immediately. We both had so much in common. We worked in the same city, lived in the same small community, have good jobs..etc. Met him after 24 years and to my surprise, we both fell in love again. This was not supposed to happen since we are both in committed relationhips. He told me I was the only one he’s ever loved. Since we both have good jobs with travel, we have taken great trips together. He told me so much that I have taken to heart but after 8 months the calls and messages have decreased. He always tells me he loves me but is just busy now. Too busy to see me. Our relationship has evolved to a periodic hotel visit. Unsure if he really loves me or if I was just a prize. I have never felt so much love, he wrote me the most amazing and romantic letter for my birthday months ago but again, he doesn’t make an effort anymore to court me. Our relationship is risky and there are children involved so I know that I need to step back and let go. If I do let go how would I know if he loves me.

Reply December 7, 2013, 1:46 am


Thank you so much for your articles! Your honest opinion and realistic analysis has given me so much insight and hope! It’s also probably the most realistic responses. Haha, I truly enjoy reading what you write! Thank you!!!

Reply November 2, 2013, 2:22 am



Reply October 6, 2013, 8:47 pm


Omg who wrote this? Most realistic article i have ever read!! This is just amazing, every bit of it makes so much sense.

Reply July 9, 2013, 2:45 am


Hey Eric I love your colums they are so interesting.

Reply June 27, 2013, 12:42 pm


My bf keeps talking to one of his ex’s and hey laugh and have a good time together but than when were are together he is all quite and shy and when im mad at him its like he loves me more than he does when im not .. .Can you help me idk what to do bc i love him and i wont 2 know how to make use have a good time when we are with each other!

Reply December 5, 2012, 6:22 pm


Hi, If a man wants to watch porno what does this mean.

Reply December 3, 2012, 6:53 am

Eric Charles

It just means he wants to…
Doesn’t mean anything about you…
Doesn’t mean anything about your relationship.
Doesn’t mean he wants those women and not you…
Doesn’t mean you don’t “measure up”…
Most women hate the idea of their man looking at porn and create an issue where their is none.
When a much simpler route would be to just watch it with him and do some stuff… that would get you best girlfriend/wife/partner ever status…
I don’t heavily talk about sex topics here and what you do is your business, but there’s a point about human nature to be recognized here…
At the very least, don’t worry about it.

Reply December 3, 2012, 9:49 pm



Reply November 9, 2012, 8:41 am


WOW. This is a very insightful answer. Well i hope this isn’t too forward of me to say but i hope one day i meet a guy who is as wise as you! Thank you for creating this website :)

Reply November 8, 2012, 7:54 pm


Wooooooow… It is interesing… Then, how to find the one? I just don’t know where to start… While men are not finding me, I think we both need help to find each other.. I need to know how to express myself, not how to change myself to get somebody, also they need advice to understand me… maybe guys who thinks I am not the one, only need to focus on my personality and they will discover what I have for them.. I need tips to get their attention, because I feel most of them think I am not in consideration.. I am fighting being sad because I am near 30, and I fear loneliness..but I know being hopeless will let me far and far from their consideration… he is precious and needed to the extend I will not give up until I can do nothing more..or lose interest in marrage.. I still believe that there are guys who deserves me and that I deserve them too, but: how to find each other?

Reply August 27, 2012, 6:53 am



Reply August 22, 2012, 6:10 am


Holy crap dude. I have no idea how the heck I ended up here on this website, but I have to say, having gone through this article, brilliant! You really did hit it in the nail. I am a guy but I could not have explained it any better than you did. Respect.

Reply June 28, 2012, 4:18 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks a lot. :)

Reply June 29, 2012, 1:07 pm


I have been sleeping with this guy that I met about five weeks ago. We see each other about twice a week. He works different hours to me and works weekend nights so we have not been out together as it is hard. In the beginning he would text and call me but lately I feel like its always me texting him. I understand that he works shift work and is usually exhausted by work. When ever I text him he always replies pretty quickly. I have asked him if we are just sleeping together and he said something which really confused me “For the mean time yes because when I go out with a girl I don’t just go out and break up”. “Once I break up with a girl its final”. ” I don’t just go out with girls and break up with them”.” When I am in a relationship with a girl before we break up I do everything possible to save the relationship”. I have no idea what he meant by this or whether this is just a excuse to keep things the way they are and just be friends with benefits. I really like this guy and have started to develop feelings. I don’t want to bring up how I feel or why he has stopped texting as its early days and I don’t want to scare him off. I guess I am confused because he has stopped texting so I don’t know whether this means he is not interested. I would just think that if he was not interested he would just send me a message saying so but on the other hand maybe he just wants a friend with benefits or he does not want to hurt my feelings.

Reply April 6, 2012, 7:32 am


In the beginning, he called and texted you because he wanted to ensure that he could come back for more. Basically, you are now a sure thing for sex so he doesn’t have to try. Don’t be foolish; this is just a friends with benefits thing, or maybe not even that. Do you two hang out as friends and have sex? If you two only hang out to have sex, you two are just fuck buddies.

My suggestion is to think of this as sex only. There’s no relationship. It may be too late for you as you already developed feelings but now, try your best to stop seeing him that way. If he really thought of you as potential girlfriend material, he would try to court you, not just have sex. Trust me, this is based on personal experience.

When I was younger, I had sex w/someone but I already had feelings for them but I thought it was okay, but of course, it was not. Sex just reinforced my feelings for them. Thankfully, I met someone else and that relationship lasted many years. After that relationship, I found myself falling into bed (but thankfully, not in love) with an acquaintance. That was fun and since I had prior experience with this type of ‘relationship’, I knew not to get emotionally attached. I kept things at a very superficial level, never sharing more than I would with an acquaintance/friend of a friend.

The funny thing was he started to open up to me and tell me more about himself and while it was nice, like we were friends or something, I also didn’t like it because I was afraid I might develop feelings for him. But like your fb, this guy also texted me a lot at the beginning and eventually, we only text to meet up for sex. After a few weeks or not seeing the fb, I found myself liking someone, seriously developing feelings for that person and eventually, we started dating. Even though I told the fb, that I was seeing someone he would still try texting me. But now he know I’m serious with this guy and would never cheat.

Basically, give up on any chance of an actual relationship forming. It is just sex. Think of it that way. In fact, you should try to go out on dates with other guys. Dates! Not just have sex. Go out, have lunch, watch a movie, go to a museum, amusement park, etc. And the next time he texts you for some nightly recreational activity, decline and say you’re busy/tired/or even that you have a date. If he is genuinely interested in you and thinks you’re worth it, he will ‘fight’ for you. He’ll step up his game to show he’s a better choice for you.

I hope that was semi-helpful. Reading your comment reminded me of myself a few years ago, and I hope that was helpful. Best of luck!

Reply April 6, 2012, 1:02 pm


Ellie you hit the nail on the head for me with your responce beacuse i to started a firendship off a dateing site pof and i meet him a few times he seems harmless enough then it got very interment very fast in the 2 weeks of me seeing him only like when it suted him i am dertermded to teast him out to if he really wants a relashionship or just sex beacuse it just feels it is only sex nothing more hes disrespected my wishes so i only sent him one text and hes responces was “whats up hun” WTF! RED FLAG right thir as i am so daum kind and been out of an mentality forces sex and menitly abosive marrge with a guy for 5 yrs its horrble to relive them memorys over and over and whats worse i have a 5ry child the father don’t care about the child but i feel this guy dont give a fuck eather he has a child to and has said he been in a abousive marrge to but that was over 10 yrs a go and seems he is trying to get the same control as my formmer partner has done i am so sure if ny self he is the same that hes already broken the respect and trust for my own well beeing and i only just got out of an abosive relashionship for now 3 months and only know this guys for just about 2 and he declines for me to see or meet hes son or trys to miss lead me that he dosent want me to really meet hes family or hes son so thank you so much

Reply December 25, 2014, 3:34 am


since 3 years I’ve been married to my husband, he is kind, polite and very quiet person, i have my doubt if he loves me, because he never show or tell me anything he is always home working, we have only 1 x sex is this normal?

Reply March 31, 2012, 6:26 am

Eric Charles

Yeah… I wouldn’t call that normal…
Some people are more drawn to sex than others, but… once… a month? Once… ever?
I dunno… sounds fishy to me… but there could be a ton of details I don’t know here.

Reply March 31, 2012, 5:17 pm

Jessica B.

Wow! I just read this and it helped me to understand ALOT about why my ex just suddendly dropped me like a piece of trash. I mean I never rejected him in the beginnging but maybe I was just the mouse in his cat game and once he caught all of me, tthats all he needed to feel good about himself. But Eric, does this mean girl shouldnt wait TOO long to have sex with thier bf/ guy? I’ve always been taught from family/magazines to never give it up for a while until the guy knows your “vaule”. Are all men like this Eric? But does this mean if we wait too long, the time they have waited has been creating a major sexual fantasy for them and once they get the real thing, they are gone?

Reply November 15, 2011, 1:58 pm


Eric, your advice is fantastic… So many of your articles & responses have helped me to find & keep clarity. thank you.

Reply November 12, 2011, 11:21 am

Eric Charles

Thanks – I appreciate it. Glad you’ve found them helpful.

Reply November 12, 2011, 5:19 pm


Eric – you speak only the truth! I have been reading your advice for a month now and I think everything you say is spot on. The above situation is strikingly similar to a 3yr infatuation a guy had with me, only to end up in us dating for 12 weeks and then falling out for good. The trigger – I drunkenly said i loved him and he told me that ‘he had tried but he didnt love me’. I was so shocked – this was a guy who had been chasing me for 3 years! I was only dating him because I thought it was time to settle down and he was the only man I knew who ‘loved’ me. It all makes sense now – the one thing I remember feeling was relief because I was going to be single again with the hope of finding someone else who I did actually fancy!

Reply September 30, 2011, 3:18 pm

Eric Charles

Great comment – thanks!

Reply November 12, 2011, 5:18 pm


I just fell in love with a really nice guy. It’s been a couple of weeks of seeing each other, no games or anything. When we met I was looking for a friend with benefit situation…I had my heart broken before and I’ve been single for a while, I was yearning for the physical contact. Ok, I admit we slept together on the first night we met. The chemistry was amazing. I felt it but I didn’t want to get hurt so I backed away. He kept texting me and calling…we’ve had a few amazing dates. This has turned out to be so much more than I bargained for. Now, I’m nervous about what I say to him or what he thinks of me for sleeping with him so early and breaking my head about if he feels the same way about me. By his actions, I think he does feel the same way. He says the sweetest things and he goes out of his way to take me to places, talk about family and we laugh together. Our personalities and our bodies are so in sync that it’s consuming me.

I’ve read the love books too like ‘Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus’ and ‘He’s Just Not That Into You,’ which was extremely helpful for me in past bad relationships. Everything in this article is true in those books. Now I feel so vulnerable, this is going to hurt really bad if he breaks my heart.

P.S. We haven’t said the three special words to each other but I feel it in the pit of my stomach

Reply August 27, 2011, 2:25 pm


Soooo insightful. Love it. Thanks.

Reply August 15, 2011, 12:01 pm


Hi eric my situation is similar.I started dealing with a friend of my ex. I suggest we should be friends with benifits..But he says I can’t have any other male friends.. and I think he really like me . I fell in love with him I’m and scared to tell him. and after we see eachother he acts distant until I get on his case by tell him I feel negected so he started texting me and calling then he stopped 3 days ago I get a text from his phone saying its a girlfriend..but he sayed its he hasn’t called or texted since then. I told him I wouldn’t call him anymore. He hasn’t called in 3 days I’m wondering if his ego is to big to call me first or our friendship is really over. I hope not I really do love him.and I think I made a big deal over a misunderstanding.pls help

Reply June 25, 2011, 11:53 pm


I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 months. When we first couple, he will always the one who will call or text me sms.

Lately though, i will always be the one who text him first and sometimes i need to ask him first if he want to talk on the phone at night. I really want to talk with him but sometimes we don’t have topic to talk about and and when i ask why he rare call me now,he will take that as an excuse. Sometimes i feel like he not really love me. We did fight sometimes because i accuse him to have other girlfriends. Last few days i ask him if he bored with me, and he told me he never feel bored with me but he just don’t know what topic to talk about and he also suggest that we reduce our texting sms to each other and talking on the phone so we won’t get bored with each other.

The question is:
1) is he really doing this to save our relationship or he just take it as an excuse to avoid from talking with me?

2) should i stop being needy before he get bored with me and leave me?

3) what should i do in this case? should i give him space? please help me cause i really don’t know what should i do to save this relationship and i really don’t want to bugging him

Reply May 20, 2011, 2:27 am


Eric, you are definitely a professor on relationships!! I wish i had discovered your website before. After reading your articles one after another, only now i started to understand what i did wrong in my relationship so far. I mean, i have read about relationship advices before. but they seemed kind of shallow and they never went so deep into the brains of men. After reading your analysis of male behaviour, some of the things my boyfriend does actually make sense now. Thank you for the insight you give us.

Reply May 12, 2011, 10:38 am


i really love him…..but he did talk to me for 2 months and no message..but i still love him sooo much….dont no y……

Reply May 9, 2011, 1:24 pm


i really need help. i wanna know if my boyfriend loves me or not. We’ve been together for 8 months and i always thought that he loved only me. But a couple of weeks ago i found out that he talks to another girl and even tell her that he loved her. But the girl has a boyfriend and due to that she never relly accepted him as his boyfriend. Somehow i succeeded getting into contact with that girl, she told me that they knew each other since last year and they even met once and as from that day my boyfriend wanted to go out with her. When earlier i tried to contact the girl my boyfriend told her that i was his ex and that she shouldn’t talk to me. But when she came to know the truth she asked for explanations to him and he told her that he was dating me temporarily and in the mean time he was wating for her answer. After many efforts he finally admitted that he was talking to that girl. I decided to put an end but he refused to let go. He apologised and told me that he was mistaken, that he thought she was the girl he always wanted because they were very close and knew everything on each other but that infact i was the only one he ever loved and its now that he was realising this. I kept my distance for a long time but ultimately decided to give him another chance. Now he stopped talking to that girl but i’m still confused. I’m unable to trust him the same way as before but i loved him way too much to leave him. Does he really love me now or is it another trap, i can’t say and i need some advice. Please help!!!

Reply May 1, 2011, 1:55 pm


he always talks to me and i think he does and he tells me he loves me :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Reply April 9, 2011, 1:24 am


he hasnt fallen for someone else lol mistake

Reply January 25, 2011, 4:30 pm


My boyfriend and I are going through a smiliar situation, He fell in love with me at first sight and i was very turned off with how desperate he was to have an relationship with me he texted me all the time and wanted to talk and be with me, so we hungout a couple weeks so i could get to know him and see if i had an attraction. and i did, he was perfect, the lovey dovey ness of the relationship lasted for about 5 months. I knew this phase would end i just hoped it wouldnt but im dealing with it, im giving him space, he has been obbessing over his guitar playing and getting all this equipment, im just happy he has fallen for someone else. Im a little worried that one day he will love all interest in me but im trying to give him space and treat him and support him as best i can. he tells me im the best girl he could ever have dated and hell i believe him i dont freak out on him for no reason and i try my best to contain the lady monster within.

I was worried recently because we didnt see eachother for a week, one night we were supposed to hangout and he dropped them so he could work on homework, i understand, i just wish he could have put aside an hour for us to see eachother (since he had all day to work on homework) and i understand he need time to himeself too, well that night he was very angry for me being dissapointed, he called me when i didnt answer his text and he was telling me how everything was stressign him out then we ended the call, a few minutes later he called back apologizing for being so mean and he asked me “You really do love me dont you?” and of course i said “Yes, i love you unconditionaly” (i do wonder if perhaps he is seeing how deep my love is for him to test how far he can push me, but i know my limits and i can only take so much of being hurt(just so you know the reason why he asked this is because in his past relationships he was always the one to be headover heels in love and the girl was never really into it)) for the rest of call (we talked till one or two inthe morning, like we used to) he was wooing me and telling me how wonderful i am and how beautiful i was, i wish we did have more time together but i think that the weather really does effect how people act, in the summer we went outside almost every day and it was such a great time, now we just cant wait till spring so we can go on picnics and walk in the rain again.

Reply January 25, 2011, 4:29 pm



Reply January 22, 2011, 12:18 pm


Thank you for the insight. This helps me understand my man. Thank you again, I appreciate it.

Reply January 22, 2011, 12:17 pm


After long emails and many texts, I had a lovely first date with a guy. He told me to keep in contact as we parted. Then I heard nothing from him for 4 days in which he then asked me why I hadn’t got in contact. Since then I’ve heard nothing. Seems crazy. We totally ‘connected’ and now I’m really confused, especially as it seems he was waiting for me to contact him? This doesen’t seem like a guy who is into me? Your thoughts please?

Reply January 11, 2011, 6:05 pm


ok, so me and my boyfriend have been together for 10 months, 10 amazing months. we broke up for 2 weeks around our 3 months because he said he needed his space, & wanted to be single. well shortly after our break up, he randomly comes back into my life. of course i took him back, i mean after all, i really do feel like he’s the one. i know he’s not cheating on me or playing me, but with hat’s happened in my past with other guys, i guess you could say i feel “insecure.” he’s promised to never leave me again, but the other day he said “he promises, but that stuff always happens. he said he didn’t mean to sound like he’s gonna leave me, but that he was just saying “he does promise, & he wants to keep that promise, but that stuff always happens!” that really upset me, & i guess it’s cause i took it the wrong way. he tells me he really does love me, he tells me he loves me a numerous amount of times a day. i really don’t have anything to worry about! i know he won’t leave me for someone else or cheat on me. in the past, he was a player, but that was back when he was in his teens. he’s now 21, & he’s really changed. i’m so scared of losing him again. i talk to him all the time about it, & he’s always telling me he’s not gonna leave me, always promising me that he won’t, but ever since he said “he promises, & wants to keep it, but things happen” i’ve just been even more scared. he’s always telling me how i’m the best girlfriend he’s ever had, & how he can really be himself around me. it’s not like we’re not planning on getting engaged anytime soon, but we’ve both said we’d marry each other later on in life. is it “normal” for a guy to say things like that? his actions tell me we’ll make it, but then it’s when he says stuff like that that scare me. :/ i guess i’m just paranoid and i really have nothing to worry about.

Reply November 19, 2010, 11:15 am


thank you

Reply October 11, 2010, 10:30 pm


this was alot of help with me and my bf thanx

Reply July 13, 2010, 1:27 am

Carol A.

Just wanted to say a “thank you” I grew up with all sisters and a very absent father- I am sooo aware that I do not understand how men think and respond- as it is very different that my own ways. Mostly I hear you saying that it is all about how I feel/act behave toward myself. mY own sense of worth. I hear that loud and clear. I also get the girlie need to go in when we should leave him alone and stay away. So thank you. I met someone – a man through a couple that I know. He asked for my number called and we have talked on the phone – sometimes up to 2 hours – we have alot in common. Now I moved to a city about 1.5 hours away because I got a job there- a great job for me. He has called more- but so far he has never taken the step to officially ask me out. He says he wants to spend time with me and talks about some future stuff but then says he can’t give me a timeline. It is frustrating as I want to get to know him better- I think he is seeing someone else – I just have that gut feeling- here lately- so why is he calling me still? What are your thoughts on this- I really do like him- and enjoy the way he thinks- we have many many likes and interests and ways of looking at things in common- but I don’t want to spend months like this- it feels very unhealthy- as if he is withholding from me- I brought it up- and he told me a very long sequence of events of things that had transpired- and they were alot that he needed to “deal” with before he could visit me etc. Okay what is your verdict?

Reply May 5, 2010, 9:25 pm


i think you are very insightful. most insightful advice i have read in any online blog. thanks

Reply November 25, 2009, 7:31 pm


A lot of what was said here is interesting but I can’t help but think two things. 1 Love is a complex word and is no guarentee of anything. 2 “Have you ever really wanted something so badly that it possessed your body & your soul through the night & through the day until you finally get it and then you realise that it wasn’t what you wanted after all.”

I agree with Danielle, the answer is short and sweet. After 3 years you decided to give him a chance and it’s about 3 months into it and you actually care that he lost interest? Move on :)

Reply June 16, 2009, 11:58 pm


You confirmed my thoughts on the matter and clarified even more. Thank you for your clear, astute advice, Eric.

Reply June 16, 2009, 10:43 pm


My situation is similar. When we met we both felt a very strong connection even before we even started dating we felt like saying those 3 words and than one day he said I love you not even 3mths into it. I wasnt ready to commit just yet. I let him chase me a bit ( few mths) because I was afraid it couldnt be real. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t infatuation ( funny they’re playing that old song on the radio, “I’m infatuated by your love boy” , “I’m infatuated by the way u make me feel” lol ) As I was saying, when the time came, I finally said I love you back. He had me, I was his. Things were PERFECT beleive it or not….because of him I started to believe in soul mates.

Although in my case, it turned to love ( i like to beleive) because how could infatuation last 4yrs. But I agree with Eric that although love at first site can happen , it starts off as lustful, infatuation and I wouldnt be to quick to put too much into those 3 words if you hear them being said to you too soon.

I also think Eric you hit it on the button, nose?, nail whatever, when you said that a guy until he has you he has this unreal image of you really are in his head and when it doesnt match the real life person, problems in the realtionship suffer. Maybe thats what happened to us.
I am setting him free, if he comes back to me it was meant to be so the saying goes.

Sorry I can be quiet the chatter box:)

Reply June 12, 2009, 6:10 pm

Eric Charles


Reply June 12, 2009, 9:53 am


Eric, I was really impressed by your answer. It was very thorough. Why wouldn’t this guy tell her he’s no longer interested instead of leaving her guessing? If he truly loved her, he would provide her closure. Or could he be trying to hurt her back for previous rejection? If I was one you truly loved, would you let me go so easily? If it was that easy, it was a game not love.

Reply January 13, 2015, 11:11 pm


@Danielle – Why should a short question need a short answer? His answer was excellent, insightful and well explained. THANK YOU Eric.

Reply June 11, 2009, 10:35 am


Very good answer. Definitely opened my eyes to some of the ways guys think.

Reply June 11, 2009, 9:29 am


very long answer to a short question.

Reply June 10, 2009, 10:57 pm


so??? it was informative…

Reply April 18, 2011, 6:34 pm

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