Ask A Guy: When He’s Still In Touch With His Ex post image

Ask A Guy: When He’s Still In Touch With His Ex


My boyfriend is still in close contact with his most recent ex in a way which is troubling me. I know he has remained close to a few of his ex’s which doesn’t concern me at all (he has the right to be friends with anyone) but the most recent ex is still extremely needy. She sends him nasty texts saying he is forgetting his friends if he hasn’t seen her for a while, posts catty comments on his facebook page, yet he still won’t cut her off.

He says it is easier to remain friends with her than not to, but I personally won’t surround myself with people who are so toxic. He lent her a sum of money in the past which I think she still hasn’t paid back which could be a factor.

I feel that by keeping her in his life, he is being slightly disrespectful to me, as she clearly still has some kind of hold over him for him to put up with this. His other friends and parents agree with me, but I can’t get him see it from any other point of view.

Please help before I drive myself mad!!!!!

Read our guy’s response after the jump!


At the heart of the issue, this sort of thing stems from your own fears. Now I only have limited information, but in past situations like this women have told me it stems from fear that he might have feelings for her or that he’s not totally over her. Fear that she might do something to screw up your relationship with him. Fear that she might take advantage of him (and you want to protect him from that.)

While these are all legitimate fears, remember that they are your fears and therefore your responsibility in terms of handling them.

The fact is that just about any high-quality guy out there is going to have ex-girlfriends. He may or not be friends with them.

You may not mind some of his ex’s and other ex’s you may absolutely hate. And there’s no “relationship law” that says you should like them.

Generally speaking, though, when you have a relationship with someone, you consider it your relationship with that other person. Now, have you ever had someone you had a relationship with that other people didn’t approve of… maybe a friend, an ex, a current boyfriend, etc.

People would say they didn’t like the person and they would give a reason. The first time you would take their opinion into consideration (because after all, the person who said it to you is probably someone that you know cares for you.) But regardless of their opinion, it didn’t change yours.

Why? Because it was your relationship. It was yours – they didn’t know the person in the way you knew them. They didn’t understand… and frankly, you didn’t want to explain it to them because really it’s none of their business (and they probably wouldn’t see your point of view anyway). Still, you appreciated their sentiment since you knew it was said out of their love and concern for you.

But then maybe that person said it a second time. Now you’re getting annoyed – they don’t know that person how you know them! After you heard their opinion once, that was enough. Now you’re starting to resent them saying anything to you… now you’re starting to block their opinion out because it’s none of their business.

Now, I’m assuming you’ve had this experience at least once in your life. I definitely have… And the truth is some of the time the people warning me about a relationship were right… but other times they were absolutely, positively wrong. But I can tell you, every time that someone has pressured me by telling me their opinion of someone more than once, I started to resent them for making the complaint.

Why? Because when they tell me more than once that they don’t agree with my relationship with a person, they’re disrespecting me. They’re disrespecting my ability to make a decision based on my evidence and what I see in front of me.

So my opinion is to not respond to whatever his situation is with his ex… I’m not saying flat out ignore it (though that’s not entirely a bad idea). But getting worked up about it will most likely lead you to a bad place

Yeah, it’s not easy. Oh believe me, it’s not easy.

I can tell you that when I was on the receiving end of this sort of thing, I was not graceful about it. Years ago, I would be dating a girl and she would be carrying on conversations with an ex because he was a friend. At first, I would try to be cool about it… let it go. But then it would eat away at me because, in my mind, there is nothing worse than being played for a fool.

It was my fear, but I would run it around in my head, again and again until it became this “monster” of a thought. Then the poor girl would get a text or something from her ex-boyfriend/friend and I would explode into an angry tirade about it. I regret it – it was destructive and never ever helped my relationship. I learned my lesson though. I handled my problem (because it was my problem, not hers.)

The truth is that when I was in that situation, I didn’t manage my fears. I’m trying to remember how I felt exactly… It was like, I was so afraid of the idea that she could have been doing something and playing me for a fool that I felt compelled to snuff out any relationship she had that made me uncomfortable. It was insecurity at its finest, and it’s not a male thing- it’s a human thing.

There were lessons I needed to learn. I needed to learn to trust my own instincts – to trust that I would know something was wrong if my relationship was bad, not because I felt jealous or uncomfortable about a relationship she had. Frankly, people are going to do whatever they want to do ... (continued - Click to keep reading Ask A Guy: When He’s Still In Touch With His Ex)

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mp

This article is a piece of crap. You dealt with your feelings of insecurity by breaking up with the girl. Ultimately, she didn’t give two sh*ts about what you were feeling and that is why you broke up.

If you changed the bad behavior from “being in touch with their ex” to they were “drinking too much” or they were “lying all the time” or “they never gave me hugs and kisses” that wouldn’t be the girlfriend’s problem – the root of the problem is that the person staying in contact with their ex (guy or girl) would be continuing to be inconsiderate and not giving the new relationship a chance to work, as well as telling the person who is bothered by the behavior, “I don’t respect your opinion enough to change.”

It’s different when it’s coming from your friends or family that they don’t like somebody – you’re not going to marry them, live with them, or have kids with them, or share your bank account with them. But if you want the bf or gf to have a chance to work out, you should listen to what they say rather than saying it’s straight up their problem.

It’s sh*tty article like this why marriages fall apart. Thanks for contributing nothing to the internet.

Reply September 13, 2014, 11:12 am

Eric Charles

Being in touch with your ex is not interchangeable with “drinking too much”, “lying all the time” or “they never gave me hugs and kisses”. That’s just not a valid point.

As for the rest of your comment… that’s fine if that’s your opinion. I hope you find another article on the internet that meets your standards. Good luck!

Reply September 13, 2014, 1:37 pm

Jess

Thank you!

Reply October 2, 2014, 9:21 pm

Rebecca

I just wanted to say that I really appreciate this article (and all of your articles), and speaking from experience, Eric is absolutely right. Reacting from a place of insecurity and mistrust only pushes the other person farther away. MP, put the shoe on the other foot: isn’t controlling who your boyfriend interacts with the pinnacle of inconsiderate and disrespectful? The implication is that you don’t trust him and you don’t trust his judgment, neither of which are going to inspire warm fuzzy feelings that will give you what you want. It will, however, make him doubt you and question why he’s with you. People want to be with people who make them feel good.

I’m not saying that the original poster doesn’t have a valid concern, but worrying and acting from a place of insecurity is going to achieve the opposite of what she wants. It’s human nature to rebel when you’re pushed against a wall — demanding or pushing him to stop talking to his ex is controlling and borderline co-dependent behavior. There’s a reason that he’s with you and not her, but if you don’t feel that you can trust him, why are you with him?

Alternatively, confidence is sexy. If he sees that you don’t give a damn about his ex because you know that you’re boss ass babe, THAT will inspire him to give you his attention rather than giving it to his ex. Make him feel like he’s winning. I know from my own experience that the more you worry about things that you have no control over, the more you begin to act in ways that actually push him away. It’s the definition of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Be the kind of person YOU would want to be with. Make him feel better when he’s with you than he does with anyone else, and he’ll naturally respond the way you want without you even having to say a word.

Reply October 13, 2014, 7:36 pm

Hanna Sijabat

Hii there, I have similar problem in my relationship. I am in Long distance relationship with a guy who is lives in USA and me in ASIA. He never wants his friends or familiy members knowing about our relationship, even he hides me from his ex-gf. Yesterday, he told me that he will go to another country in USA to help her ex moving things. She will drive and she needs someone to accompany her since she will drive at night and he said that the road where they will pass by is dangerous (Florida Highway). This hurts me coz he will be together with her for days and he did not tell me before getting the ticket. I feel like he disrespects me as his gf. Now, I decide to break-up. Am I wrong?
I need ur opinions guys, thanks so much

Reply September 10, 2014, 11:41 pm

faith

yes please help here..what if u guys lived in a different country..and ur husband dealing with ex.the past that hurt him before .but for some reason keep on visiting her and talking to her while saying he loves you so much and shes just a friend ..and hes not gonna cheat on you. im going crazy trying to give all my trust but knowing guys with previous relationship keeps talking.thye might feels intimacy like before.hes not cheating on me now..but what this action they’re doing lead them into something much more intimate..do i need to wait what will happen next?trust and see what will happen?while im dying inside everyday having fear in my heart. :( :( :(

Reply September 29, 2014, 9:56 pm

Torben

Thanks for that article. It’s true, it is really tough to stop being jealous, but if the relationship is worth it, so is the pain and the problems that come with it.

Reply July 18, 2014, 9:03 am

Aryana Rhyy

I don’t knw its true or nt..
bt I thnk he has a little crush in him…m nt doubtn him bt m jst scrd of lusn …him dat y I checkd his ex prfil n gound dat mi bf had likd it……..
I m vry confsd latly….I can’t say …anythn to him as he is same behaviour wit me. .I haven’t tld him dat I had seen his ex prfil…n had found him n her frnds….
M nt sure by I thnk dy tlk in fb also….hlpppp!!!
Wat shud I do???

Reply June 30, 2014, 11:12 pm

Torben

Learn how to write properly! vowels are important!

Reply July 18, 2014, 8:55 am

Lily

Never EVER date a guy or a girl who is in touch with his/her ex. Their is no such thing as friendship after breakup.Sometimes men date other women to make ex jealous and win her back or vise versa.I knew lot of female friends who had boyfriends yet got jealous when their ex dated another girl..lot of these women tend to keep options.

Reply June 11, 2014, 10:24 pm

Rachel

Would anyone feel differently if the ex was a friend with benefits.. Let’s say even a neighbor.. Let’s say said neighbor is a sex worker.. Like sells their self for money.. Do you endorse the boyfriend to keep in touch with this ex too? Where do we draw the lines here?

Reply June 11, 2014, 1:52 am

Torben

That is a very good question. In the end that is up to decide to every couple. Communication is the key here. There is not ONE right way to have a relationship. It doesn’t need to be monogamous if everybody involved is fine with it. Wouldn’t be my thing, but hey, whatever floats your boat.
It depends on your own values. I don’t want to control who my partner is friends with, but I’d like to enjoy certain pleasures with my partner only.

Reply July 18, 2014, 9:00 am

Me

Hi everyone! I also really dislike when my partner communicates with an ex. It is disrespectful of the new relationship. I usually turn away quickly from anyone with sic baggage. Now I’m not saying this applies to single parents where there is good reason to keep in contact and be friend but for anyone else, there just is not. Perhaps in high school or college but by the time you reach age 30 & you are more marriage minded commitment means more, as does sexual relationships. Of course there is always an exception to the rule but in general notch good will come from a relationship with an ex when you are wholeheartedly trying to make a new relationship succeed. A new partner should not be forced to deal with your baggage … Take it out to the curb where it belongs. Past is the past & your ex is a part of the past for a reason, because that is where they belong. The future is yours & your new partners & they deserve a path upon which to walk hand in hand with you free of encumbrances.

Reply June 11, 2014, 1:48 am

Black

Soooooo true ! If you are 100% all in , why am I wasting my time and energy on you.

Reply August 11, 2014, 10:32 pm

Samantha

Hi Eric,

I unwittingly came in-between two people who were almost about to get back together. They have 5 years of history, on-off. I left him when I he told me about his ex on the horizon. I knew he immediately regretted it and over the course of 2 and a half months won me over again because he showed me he really liked me. The guy said he broke up with her, but they remain good friends. Whenever people bring her up, he will avoid talking about her. Anyway, we have a lot of sexual chemistry and it’s only recently we began to slowly have emotional chemistry… we are still lacking connection. Almost one month ago he told me he wouldn’t be able to see me for several days because of work commitments, although he kept updating me with his life via text but we have inevitably drifted further. Yesterday night, he went out with his ex, who obviously likes him a lot. If it wasn’t so long since I last saw him, I wouldn’t worry so much. Can a guy actually take such a long break from seeing a girl he says makes him go crazy? What do you think of my situation?

Reply January 3, 2014, 9:09 am

Gigi

Who ever your are, Thank you so much for this post. I was going crazy.

Reply July 4, 2013, 5:32 pm

chioma jumbo

Something tells me that he is in love with her, shes got 2 kids. Now because the husband isnt around she makes my boyfriend run errands for her, sometimes she would complain of not having the strenght to cook, then my bf would order me to take food to her, i got mad and we fought over it bt he never apologized, what do i do?

Reply May 27, 2013, 9:47 am

chioma jumbo

to cut the long story short, my boyfriend does everything in his power to please a particular woman who happens to be his neighbour, she’s married but her husband lives in a different country. am very upset over the situation. He displeases me to please her.

Reply May 27, 2013, 9:36 am

Ali

It seems the boyfriend is training his ex that her behaviors are acceptable to him. If he wants to be a friend with his ex, he’s better be a good friend of her! Not allowing her to behave like that. Also he should know that if it makes his girlfriend feel upset, it just poisons the relationship.

His friend should be his girlfriend’s friend too, thought not close at the same level. If it’s impossible, there’s something wrong to be fixed.

Reply October 30, 2012, 5:58 am

Arial

If your boyfriend is still talking to his recent ex on a regular basis, especially if he was close enough to her to loan her money, then your gut instincts could very well be correct. Our gut instincts are there to protect us. How many times have you thought about something and didn’t listen to your guy instinct and wish later that you had? Let’s say you never say a word about the ex and your boyfriend ends up spending more and more time talking to her? Then you become the girl who put up with it. I’ve been there myself , never said a word about the ex, trusted him fully, and he ended up lying about small things which turned into bigger lies. He will do what he wants to do regardless, if I were you, i would leave that relationship before too much more time is invested. You need someone with a cleaner slate

Reply August 31, 2012, 2:46 am

Marguerite

I was seeking self healing on the internet about how to deal with my new love and his insecure and manipulative ex-girlfriend who still contacts him and I happened to stumble upon this article. There is so much wisdom and truth here and validated what I was already feeling and thinking. After reading several other articles online (and most of the responses by jealous and controlling women) this opened my eyes and gave me validation to what I already knew. You are so right, my relationship is a good one at that and the last thing I want to do is become the girl he was with last. “People are going to do whatever they want to do.” and that is something I have no control over, instead of worrying about what doesn’t exist I’m turning that energy into acceptance of the situation. My boyfriend is with me and loves me, not her. I will definitely be passing this on to those in need, I just wanted to say thank you so much for writing this. :~)

Reply August 29, 2012, 5:01 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks, I appreciate that.

Reply August 29, 2012, 6:48 pm

Jacquie

I agree with Marguerite. I am in the same boat, had the same feelings, and greatly appreciate some wisdom that I knew was there.. It just sometimes takes another outside source to help you see things a little more clearly. Someone who isn’t directly involved. Thank you.

Reply May 14, 2013, 9:51 am

Amanda

Now what if said ex was an ex-fiance that still texts all the time and calls him pet names like babe. Also texts get deleted regularly… red flag then?

Reply July 14, 2014, 4:25 pm

Jessica

I agree with this too. I think my stumbling upon this article was fate, because it’s a lesson I really needed to hear at this exact moment, as I’m going through something similar. I had already deduced that my only problem with their friendship was my own insecurities, but this confirms it. Thanks

Reply June 3, 2013, 3:08 pm

Anon

I’ve read a lot of this article and I believe in what you say and it’s very good advice. But, I really am struggling and hurting over a recent text that I saw for my boyfriend to his ex of 8years. He said that he feels closer to her than anyone. We’ve been seeing each other for 1.5years and, since his text to her, has talked about children with me. They went through a lot together, his parent died, and her family problems, but it’s so painful to hear him say that to her. He never talks about her unless I ask but I know they talk and text regularly, though don’t see each other more than twice a year. He also said recently that he wants to see her more, start fresh. I don’t understand why they why he is still friends and neee some advice, please.
Thanks

Reply July 29, 2012, 6:52 pm

Elizabeth

Thank you for this, I needed it today! I am in this situation and it’s been so hard since I was married and divorced from a guy for cheating on me!
It just makes you so jaded and hard to look at anyone the same way after that.
As of today I am going to try my hardest to let it go and then in the end of something happens its his loss.

Reply July 20, 2012, 8:04 pm

KeepItReal

In a nutshell, if your boyfriend or vice verse gets caught cheating online and swears he won’t do it again or denies it and you suspect it, I say install a key logger on his computer as another method that will enable you to know for sure he is being 100% honest and consistent with you.. Life is way too Short to play games and live it blindsided choosing to know what you want to know instead of reality. It worked for me since there’s always that chance and you can stop the continual betrayal at its tracks which saves you a lot of wasted time and grieving down the road! If you know his password to his emails or if he leaves it open, lets you see his phone history calls or text just to prove to you he cut off communication wonderful, keeper for a lifetime!.. But what if you or he is on away for a trip and or he’s home alone? He or She can always delete the history and get his emails forward to alias’s.. He or She betrayed you once, who’s to say he won’t laps and slip again when he gets tempted? There’s nothing to hide in committed, serious, relationship and being open and honest about everything should be a give in especially if you’re planning to take your relationship to the next level of commitment, marriage one day.. I’m glad I did it because it saved me a lot of wasted time, head aches, and heart aches which enabled me to cut my losses before it got deeper. I was able to find someone who was open, honest, and trustworthy! We are definitely on the same page. The earlier you cut your loses the better chance you find the one who will respect and honor your love, trust, devotion and commitment and means what he says not what you want to hear and repeat offend you! My Ex was continually lying and the computer history was proof thanks to the key logger, which if you google it, you’ll find one you’ll like that fits your needs! While my Ex was saying he was studying or playing his video games on his personal time, he was actually playing with cyber sexing, online hook-up sites, and communicating ex gf’s, and so forth planning to take it to the next step by planning to hook up and that definitely crossed the line. When i confronted him with it and his profiles across the board online, he made excuses saying that they were there before me and forgot about them, or the girls he’s talking to are just gaming friends or old friends etc… Gotta love technology! How wonderful that you can find cheater high speed with just a click so cheating online is just as easy as finding cheaters cheatin! At the end of the day, you make the final choice but at least you can decide using other options and what to do with it.. So you know your in a solid, secure, & stable relationship feeling complete trust without any doubts, or question if whether he is truly 100%.. Trust is important in a relationship, but blind trust is foolish! Of course, we can’t change a person just ourselves and if he doesn’t want to change his ways then change you’re boyfriend! Change has to come within not forced..I’m sure a cheater is redeemable with some counseling intervention if you feel a cheater is worth forgiving, only you know your cheater more than anyone else..Life has no guarantees! Proceed with caution. Good Luck with your choices and decision you make just right for you!

Reply June 22, 2012, 1:30 pm

Peneolpe

Can somebody just settle my mind
I live with a male friend who I beleieved wanted to be with me but has just upped rooted his whole life to move away frm his as he keeps telling me girl friend of 10 years.
We keep arguing over the amount of time they both still spend together
I have told him I’m not comfortable with her at our shared house but she still keeps turning up
Am I going mad
Plz help
My family and friends keep telling me he’s never broke up with her

Reply May 21, 2012, 6:29 pm

Kathy

Im in a similar position right now. Been going out with this guy for a couple of months right now. He broke up with his gf 4mos. or so before we started going out. But, recently I learned that he is still texting with his ex, I think one time he helped her out proof read her research. His ex in an email also I love you. just don’t know if he responded. (I saw it in an email, trust me i wasn’t trying to snoop on his inbox haha) Now I’m getting worried and all, don’t know if I should trust him completely. I want this relationship to progress. What should I do? Or How do should I react? help guys!

Reply April 19, 2012, 11:24 pm

Pip

Yes, well, it sounds very ideal but when the man I’m seeing lets me leave the bedroom when the supposed ex phones on a sunday morning and can’t say to her ‘can I call you back later’ or ‘I’ve got someone here’ or ‘hey, I need to tell you that I’m seeing someone new’ then I have to walk and get my self respect back. Apparently I’m not allowed to ask about the ex, even though I only asked once, but good advice for some I’m sure.

Reply April 16, 2012, 12:16 am

kyla

this was really good i have an issue with checking my husbands emails and because of that i just found out that he still keeps in touch with his ex gf who he was going to marry and i found out that she said no he never told me that.the point is we were really doing good before we were fighting like every other day over nothing. i just want to make sure that he is not doing anything wrong. the text were friendly nothing bad i just don’t want him to be close to her like that. he stills has her name on his chest he said he keeps in touch since he has known her since he was 15 and he was close with her mom who is sick if i would have never looked through his phone i would have never known but i can’t stop him from doing anything all i can do is trust him and if he fucks up thats his lost not mine i use to think like that . i have been working and going to school and we have not been out alone for months we have two kids can’t get or have time for a sitter he says he will get rid of it and that i can’t tell him he says he has a grudge against her but he is civil because he is close with her family which i think is a bunch of bs she says she doesn’t want him i texted her and asked her why was she talking to my husband which was wrong .

Reply March 26, 2012, 7:38 pm

confused

yeah, try to forget about it right? Then how about when the love of his life that he was going to marry, walks out in the middle of the night, leaving his young son unattended, never answers his plea’s to find out what happened, marries a guy she was seeing the same time she was seeing him two months later. Then over the last 6 years sends random emails saying “happy holidays” and “I was watching our shows thinking of you” and he replies how he wishes she never left.

Then after being two years with me, she emails she is coming into town on business (lives out of state this was a LDR for them) and he doesn’t tell you, meets her for “closure”. I bust him red-handed. He doesn’t deny it. Says they didn’t have sex, but made out. She tells him she made a mistake, wants him back, will leave her husband for him. He say’s to me, I wouldn’t take her back, I love you, but I just want to have playdate’s with her. And now they contact each other constantly via phone and email. He believes in being in-love with one person but playing with others.

He also has a girl in another state that was just a FWB for two years before I was in the picture. They sext, and play on Xbox live. But, she is just a game to him.

But I don’t want it to be her, the ex. How do you ignore all that. How do you say yes, I believe you just love me, but want to be with your ex on that level.

The killer thing, I am bi, and am open to a swinging life style together, he is ok with that as well, but still wants his ex and this girl. What is it with guys that want their past girls still in their lives and say how much they love the girl they are with. How I am his girl, the one he wants to be with every day, to spend his money on. He wants us to live together. That he is control of this, and they have no power over him. Come on guys please answer this for me. I know I am crazy aren’t I.

Reply March 8, 2012, 1:50 pm

Heartbroke

I just found a message that my boyfriend of 4 years sent to his ex-wife. All it said is “miss u”. I found a similar message last year saying ” you’re who I need”. I forgave him last year. I love him but I consider this cheating. I noticed that she had no response to this. He says he loves me and doesn’t know why he does that. I don’t know what to do. I feel truly betrayed. He said he misses the “family” he had. They have a 10 year old daughter. He’s been divorced for 6 years. I demanded that he cut all ties with her with the exception of daughter info. I feel like I shouldn’t have to do that. And then I think I’ve wasted 4 years of my life…do I waste another day?

Reply February 2, 2012, 3:21 pm

Wa

If she decides wants him back, he’ll most likely leave you or start cheating. Sorry.
Don’t waste any more years on the wrong man.

I hope you have the strength to do it.

Good luck

Reply June 11, 2012, 3:48 pm

Fatima Hussain

Hey here is this guy who just asked me out on 14th saying it as a friends date even said to think about a place where we two of us can go. Then just the next day when i asked him “whoz gonna b ur valentine ” he said “no1″ i was shocked but den i replied “awww…no problems”…n then he asked me “what about you??” and in a flirtatious tone i replied “you, who else :p” then he said “i m not going to meet anyone on valentines day” i said ” so friends date cancel??” n he replied “yeah may be with a wink face” then i replied “tell me exactly so that i can make other palns”…n he replied “okay go for it..!! ”
Eric please help me…i m really confused about this guy…what does he really wants…n m sure that he likes me..!!

Reply January 28, 2012, 11:58 am

pixir

Just finished reading I Hate His Ex by Alex Cooper. Brilliant read for anyone having relationship troubles to do with past relationships :) xxxx

Reply January 6, 2012, 5:37 am

jo

Thank You you really opened my eye’s. I loved what you said. I think you just help saved my relationship. Thank You very much!

Reply January 4, 2012, 6:09 pm

pixir

Try reading ‘I Hate His Ex’ by Alex Moore. I’ve just read it and it has really help me sort out loads of problems within my relationship. It is definitely worth a try!

Reply January 4, 2012, 10:54 am

Katie

Its nice to see other women going through the same headache with ex girlfriends/friends.
My ex’s friend/ex sent me mad and i have been questioning ever since whether I was wrong to have a problem with her and how needy she was of him and how close they were…
I kept questioning whether I was wrong and was too paranoid and maybe if I should have just ignored her. But there is only so much ignoring you can do. us girls know when a girl is playing a manipulative game to keep a man close to her… and I waited 8 months for her to get the picture that he was with me and wouldn’t be as close to her now and she had to deal with it. She never did get the picture. And he never told her. There is only so much waiting for him to set the boundaries you can do. Girls can manipulate guys and their relationships to intrude enough to cause problems but not do enough for the guy to actually react and set the boundaries. Its shit for us girlfriends. the bottom line is, the guy has to grow up and realise what is most important. It might be disrespectful to the guy by highlighting something in their life is inapproprite to us, him and your relationship, but surely if he loves you enough and is sure enough in who he is and what he wants he will recognise that boundaries need to be set and he has to be the one to do it… these things don’t just go away on their own.
I hope one day I do meet a guy who is grown up enough and sure enough in himself to do that if ever I end up in that situation again.
I feel better seeing all this because I now know I wasn’t mad for having a problem with his friend/ex from 5 yrs ago going round his parents house uninvited, asking him to drive her places, calling him in the eve after work to see what he was up to (if she took him and I seriously surely she would leave us to it), making catty and taking- the- piss comments on facebook about not seeing him, being upset with him for not seeing her, and always acting like things were the same as they were before me.
I hope we all meet someone who is grown up enough to set the boundaries :)

Reply December 21, 2011, 10:56 am

airakate

I’m a little bet relief in reading this!!!!
coz i also have problems in my relationship

Reply October 30, 2011, 12:19 pm

Sara

“I stopped interpreting someone else’s actions as a reflection of me.”
Just what I needed to hear today! Fantastic article.

Reply October 17, 2011, 5:40 pm

Eric Charles

Cool – glad to hear it. :)
.
And thanks.

Reply October 17, 2011, 6:50 pm

Flower White

Jayus Bubbles you have no idea how much of a victim/codependant you sound like.”he said to accept him he way he is.” He has put you into a catagory of side piece!

Young ladies with healthy self esteem would leave. He must be quite rich for you to subjugate common sense. You are making excuses for him.

You won’t be getting the truth from him. But you don’t care.

“Fun and memorable times” that means he’s not taking you seriously they call that a jump-off, side piece, booty call.

You don’t want to see the truth in front of your face yet you are going to take him at his word? I am betting he will bang you and sweet talk you and all will be well but underneath, the unease for the rest of your relationship.

Really dear Bubbles I will truly leave you now. You aren’t listening to the advice because you have a fantasy in your head. Goodbye and best of luck.

Reply September 15, 2011, 2:36 am

Bubbles

How would I go about asking him then? He was staying in Denmark, and went twice to Norway for several days. He said that his “friends” were taking him around Norway…but didn’t expand on who. So that’s why I got suspicious all of a sudden. All the while his communication to me via email and text was a lot of “miss you, love you”.
He was over there to donate sperm for the “friends” as they couldn’t have kids, but I reckon it was only the female (and I suspect she doesn’t have a partner). He showed me the clinic tests, the emails, but those days when he went to Norway I can’t help but think they must have been close at one stage. And I just don’t want to be taken for a fool, that is why I want to ask him calmly, and with a level head. As the times we do share are fun and memorable times.
I also sent you this as an email earlier today, so bit of a double up there.
Cheers!

Reply September 15, 2011, 12:12 am

Eric Charles

He said he went over there to “donate sperm”.
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That’s quite a euphemism for it..
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I think what this really comes down to what you really want.
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I think some of the commenters are being a little harsh towards you in places, but I also think that they’re fundamentally right: It does sound like the guy has you locked and he’s probably “donating sperm” to women the old-fashioned way.
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If you were immediately suspicious, it sounds like your instincts picked up on it. Trust your instincts.
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As for how you’re talking to him about it, step one is to get clear on what you really want in a relationship and what you won’t put up with. Guys know if you’re bluffing, and if you aren’t going to leave even if he is hooking up with other women… well… he’s going to keep on doing what he’s doing.
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If you can’t be in a relationship with a man who sleeps with other women, then you need to be OK with calmly talking about it, saying your piece (without collapsing into emotions) and then be OK if he can’t agree to your terms (as in, you break up).
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If you can’t be OK with losing him, then he’ll continue to do as he pleases because he knows you’ll put up with it. If you really draw the line and will walk away, he’ll either: commit to you exclusively or you’ll break up.
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Talking about it isn’t the hard part. It’s calming yourself down enough to look at what you really want and whether or not you’re truly willing to let go if the relationship isn’t acceptable to you.
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Hope that helps.

Reply September 15, 2011, 5:35 pm

Flower White

Unless you’re broke & homeless there is no need to stay with such a man.
Dear, he’s 42! He’s been with women longer than you have lived.

You were with him for a year?? Now is the time to be serious monogamous and committed. I think he’s using you for a booty call and arm candy!

“It doesn’t matter what a man says. It matters what a man DOES.”

He went on a month long trip with another woman -then told you afterwards?

That proves deception & deceit.

If believe him and stay you only have yourself to hold accountable for the anguish and heartache sure to follow.

Much older men love young girls such as you because they can lie and manipulate them. Your story is textbook.

Please dump him. But you won’t – young girls think they an change a man. Thin they are the exception and not the rule. Honey you are going to learn the hard way. Just bookmark this page for reference and check it in six months.

Reply September 14, 2011, 10:18 pm

Bubbles

I do not have a desire to change him, he said accept him for who he is.
As for the trip, I knew he was going overseas for a month, but didn’t know that he met up several times with this friend to travel to Norway. Only found out by snooping on Facebook.

Reply September 14, 2011, 10:59 pm

Eric Charles

Hehe… yeah… that’s one reason why I have my Facebook on lockdown. Keep the snoopers from snooping (not that I’m up to anything shady, but still…)
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You know Bubbles, I hate to tell you that the girls leaving you comments are right but… it does seem likely. I’m not about to straight-up condemn the dude, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he had some stuff going on with the other women from time to time.
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Don’t know… worth figuring out with him though.

Reply September 14, 2011, 11:55 pm

Flower White

He is playing you he traveled with a female for a month and did not tell you? I’m around his age and I know this: You are too young to get mixed up in such drama.

You are just his arm candy and play toy. Move on!

Reply September 14, 2011, 6:04 pm

Bubbles

Thank you for this reply. I did in fact ask him, and he said yes, he did travel with her, but he didn’t hold hands, kiss or have sex with her.

So the question is if I believe him.

Reply September 14, 2011, 6:12 pm

Bubbles

Yes, this is similar to my situation. I have been seeing this person for a year, he has many female friends and some of them are his exs. He says that he finds making friends with female s easier than making friends with men, as he doesn’t share the same likes as majority of them i.e. doesn’t drink, doesn’t watch sport. I know he contacts his female friends on a regular basis, and he says that some are very close friends. But I feel I am left out in the dark wondering what he talks about to them.
He went to Denmark/Norway for a month to help some friends on a project, and also went travelling a bit, but he didn’t mention to me that he travelled with a female friend who I’ve sent pictures of (on this holiday through her Facebook profile) and he’s talked about her before. So I wonder why he didn’t mention this to me, and if I did mention this to him, what sort of response would I get?
He says he respects me, but my insecurities and questioning could led him to do something that he’d regret by destroying the relationship. He’s 42 and 23, definitely an age gap and lack of experience, but he’s been patient and understanding with me. But it is hard to let such fear go, and unable to control his emotions and make him feel for me like I feel for him.
Thank you

Reply September 12, 2011, 6:38 pm

FLower White

Balance is good truth is better :)

Reply August 13, 2011, 10:01 am

FLower White

Some men have unresolved mommy issues.

Some men want a female harem.

Personally I have never had a successful loving long term loving relationship with a man who plays therapist for his ex (and yes I’ve been married and in two long monogamous relationships).

Face it men, some of you love the ego-stroke and you love rescuing damsels in distress and dare I say it… some men love having a ‘female harem’ flocks of ex’s circling which truly prevents him from committing to that one special lady.

What do you say, men?

Reply August 11, 2011, 10:10 pm

Eric Charles

Sure, I agree with that.
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Each gender has a sub-section that’s caught up in some image based thing. Some men want a harem (for any variety of women). Some women want to dig for gold in a man’s pocket (for any variety of reasons).
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At the end of the day, that’s not most men or women though. Most men and women actually want to find a great partner and have a great relationship.
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I don’t disagree with your point, it is true. But I like to keep the views balanced here that there’s no angel-gender and devil-gender… and most of the issues are just issues that people have, whether they’re a guy or girl. They just show up in different ways depending on whether it’s a guy or girl – but the central drive for the behavior is the same.

Reply August 12, 2011, 3:11 am

kelly

I just want to say that if an ex is really over that person they will move on especially if it was a bad relationship and trust has to be the number one issue .I live with my bf and actually his ex of 8 yrs is living at his parents home too .he seems to say he is over her but,yet he goes upstairs alot and will not say anything bad to her ..hopelessly dumb

Reply April 29, 2011, 4:16 am

Ashleigh

I found this website randomly but wanted to share some thoughts after reading. Obviously, I have been having a situation that is very similar to this womans worries about her currents relationship. I am 22 years old and have spent the last seven months with a man whom I now consider to be my partner. He is 30, so a bit older. Most outlookers would say we are joined at the hip. He is a welcoming, peace-making sort of person, not one who can easily speak rudely or bluntly to people. people feel very comfortable bringing their problems to him, seemingly on a regular basis. One of these people is his ex girlfriend. They were togethere for a year but have been friends for 12 years, with a regular phone relationship, where “she complains about her boyfriends” to him. I have gotten the impression she is exceptionally needy and emotionally unstable in the sense that she takes her problems and hangs them out on the lawn laundry line for every one to see and observe. Since it has entered my mind that I am very much committed to this man, the facts started showering down on my head: she calls him every few days, texts him evbery few days, and they update regularly… many of their conversations consist of her sharing her insecurities and emotions with her own current boyfriend. This did not bother me at first until i started realizing how regularly she is communicating with my boyfriend on such an intimate and regular basis….I feel she should be taking these issues to her own boyfriend. I also am very troubled every time I see him on the phone and computer, and i resent myself for feeling suspicious at all, but I always wonder if it is she that he is speaking to. I do not commit easily, and in this case, we just feel into it naturally, and to be honest, my first real” partnership. I do not feel comfortable with this as much as I would like to ignore it entirely, like I used to. I do not believe she cares one hoot about the fact that he is special to me and i find it very rude and inconsiderate for her to be regularly contacting my boyfriend as if it is still her relationship to be intimate with. Is it over analyzing to believe such things? I also have small spouts of resentment for my boyfriend for being so receptive to this constant contact, as thought it is also something he is still emotionally attached to… always giving her the shoulder to cry on, regardless of the time or frequency of her calls and the sverity of her insecurity. Not to mention she lives 2000 miles away. Should it be the case that I should ignore and assume there is no emotinal attachment but just a “friendship” I do not have any intention on controlling ties on a friendship of 12 years but I do know that it makes me feel very uncomfortable, the continuous and diligent communication that goes on between them. It’s almost like they are still in a relationship without the sex…maybe thats going too far…. because he reassures me very sincerely about how proud he is to be with me every day and how much he respects me, etc. But I just can’t help having these thpoughts…. any insight i would appreciate very much. Thank you, Ashleigh

Reply December 28, 2010, 2:30 pm

Robin

I just wanted to thank all of you for your honesty about this. You definately make sense about just avoiding the ex-girlfriend relationship subject. I am having a hard time about the relationship I am in because it started so suddenly and he hasn’t talked about his ex. She moved away a few months before I met him, now she is back and he mentions her as just a friend. I didn’t even know they were an item until someone that knows both of them told me. It does eat at me from time to time but we do have a great relationship since June 09. It was instant attraction between us and he is a true gentleman. We both were previously married for 20 years and we have been divorced for 8 years. Love the insight! Thanks again.

Reply March 10, 2010, 10:38 am

Chris

While I think what you guys said in comments is great, I think what you are saying applies when two people break up, healing happens, and later they chose to be friends because they valued each other as a person. In this case, I think what was missed is the part where the ex is acting inapropriately. If they were truly platonic friends, she would not be texting him that he is neglecting friends (but really her). She would let him go about his life and be happy to see him when the situation arose. Sending manipulative messages possibly intended to guilt someone is not being a friend. In fact, she may full well know the two of them may be together when she texts or just figures “hey, its a saturday night, they must be…”

I don’t get the impression the boyfriend is going to dump the poster for the ex, but I do get the feeling that the ex could potentially intrude emotionally on the relationship if the guy doesn’t set up clear boundaries with her, or the boyfriend tires of the friction and go off on his own as its just easier.

Yes, it is up to us females not to wig out when a boyfriend has had other relationships before and runs into his ex or keeps in touch, but it is also up to the guy to set clear boundaries with his exes as well.

Reply July 15, 2009, 10:45 am

Eric Charles

Hey Chris,

I agree with you that the ex-girlfriend’s “guilting” text messages are inappropriate and less-than-friendly. I would also agree that it is totally the guy’s responsibility to set boundaries as to what is acceptable within their friendship.

But even with that being the case, the bigger picture is that this guy used to date this woman and when they were together, he probably cared for her very much. She probably cared for him very much too.

In a perfect world, everything would be clean-cut and logical and we would have complete control of our emotions at all times. But that’s not reality… relationships and emotions are not so absolute as logic and “right-and-wrong”.

I have always found it a weird idea that someone could be a person that you absolutely adore and then, after a breakup, have absolutely no relation to them whatsoever. I think that if you appreciate someone enough to be with them in the first place, you would still appreciate them afterwards for those same qualities even if you’re not together.

But to transition into a full-fledged friendship takes time and the adjustment sometimes involves saying some pretty difficult things (and yes, like you’d said, setting boundaries).

All I was saying in my response is that the guy is probably very well aware of all of this and he’s handling it the best he can… And if the current girlfriend gets involved, it will probably make for an ugly scene. My opinion is that the best solution, is to have faith in the guy and his ability to work it out and take appropriate action.

Not easy and definitely doesn’t mean the ex-girlfriend is doing the right thing, but I believe staying out of it is the best way. You don’t have to accept it or like it, but at least give the guy a chance to address it and set things right before getting involved.

Reply July 16, 2009, 3:04 pm

Eric Charles

Tommy,

Awesome, awesome comment. I really appreciate you taking the time to write this out for the ANewMode.com audience.

And what Tommy’s writing about here is something that the majority of guys have experienced. We react in different ways, sometimes we’re the givers, sometimes we’re the receivers, but what I’m getting at is these relationship dynamics/issues are universal! Men and women think about these things and experience these things and comments like this help show us this.

Again, I’m really happy you wrote this because it’s another male voice showing that men are not cold, heartless monsters when we decide to do things a certain way. Most of the time, we are making the best decisions we can based on our experiences, but don’t have the personal insight or the words to communicate it.

Fortunately, we DO have this blog and within this context we have the time and space to really articulate where we’re coming from.

Thanks for this.

Reply June 9, 2009, 11:57 pm

Tommy

I want to say that I love ANewMode and the various topics your web-site offers.

This article has caught my eye because in most relationships we have experienced this issue at least once in its term. I will start off by saying that I have been in this situation conincidentally and I can relate. I have had about 3 serious ‘intimate’ relationships in my life. When I say ‘intimate’ I mean exclusivity between two people and no one else. You are a couple.

I have remained friends with two of them. The first one is a subject that is sore to me and I had a few regrets with how it was left. It taught me a valuable lesson and that is to always try to remain civil with those you once cherished. They were once your world and you have shared some of your most fond memories with this person. They somehow shaped you to what you are today. I look at all people in this view and most find me to be a big ‘softie,’ which I have no problem admitting to. So when I am sharing myself with them in both the emotional and physical sense it is very hard to just drop them out of my life for good. It makes me go against my beliefs and integrity. I just got done telling this person for 2+ years that they were my love and I would die for them to just abandoning them? I just always found that strange. However, if they have crossed me in such a malicious manner that the value of trust was in question then I would have to remain away from them for a time being until I felt I could accept their character. This goes for any relationship I encounter as well. I have no time for mistrust.

So within this relationship I learned how people can become ‘obsessed’ with the thought that the other is always up to no good. I could be just cleaning my room or walking the dog and I would have 15 calls when I returned. I would call back and get the usual drill and attitude .. where were you/who were you with/etc. At first I believed that it was a sign of caring but I slowly began to realize it was just a big sign of insecurity. However, I loved so I was blind. Many breakups occurred in this relationship. The constant arguing and making up occured and eventually it began to take its toll on both our mental and physical health. A lot of hurtful things were said that I unfortunately can not apologize for now. I left this relationship on a bad note and it took years before I would even consider getting into another one.

I would like to say that this relationship was started immediately as well. No foundation was built. Insta-relationship

Now when I enter a relationship I make it a point that we know each other very well. It creates harmony and peace if you know each other very well. You can see how their daily lives are structured and who their character is. If they are trust-worthy to others than what makes you think they are not going to be trust-worthy with you. Especially you. This creates a bond that diminishes the idea of having to check on their every move. Sometimes doing so (especially before you have even commited to each other realistically) causes unecessary issues and anxiety. You are now harboring assumptions without validation. Yes you may have been pyscho and ran their credit and background as a pre-requisite BUT you may have it way off!! As much as you want to believe otherwise and others want to feed into you it is just way off. So now you are just stressing yourself while your SO sits in astonishment and amusement. You have these feelings without ever being able to express them and get a detailed and honest story behind it because you snooped.

Your infected now so all goes out the door when this person speaks. And then all the mishaps that I had in relationship one occurs. Never Again will I do that to myself and I recommend ANewMode viewers to also remain weary of this relationship. Control should not be the foundation of any relationship. It just does too much damage. You should be able to be you and not be judged until a fair trial is made. Both parties should be able to clearly clarify and express their emotion. When it is one-sided it is never whole.

A healthy relationship is one that the other person isn’t always trying to win at or control. It is about enjoying the time spent together and not worrying about the mistakes they have made in the past. If they are the ‘quality’ type they would have most likely have learned from them as well. If they are now with you and the foundation is there all that should not be your relationship issue. If it is then I advise saving yourself the aggrevation and moving on.

Communication is always key and when that is broken or hung up somewhere then peace and harmony will never be there.

Reply June 9, 2009, 11:07 pm

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