My boyfriend is still in close contact with his most recent ex in a way which is troubling me. I know he has remained close to a few of his ex’s which doesn’t concern me at all (he has the right to be friends with anyone) but the most recent ex is still extremely needy. She sends him nasty texts saying he is forgetting his friends if he hasn’t seen her for a while, posts catty comments on his facebook page, yet he still won’t cut her off.
He says it is easier to remain friends with her than not to, but I personally won’t surround myself with people who are so toxic. He lent her a sum of money in the past which I think she still hasn’t paid back which could be a factor.
I feel that by keeping her in his life, he is being slightly disrespectful to me, as she clearly still has some kind of hold over him for him to put up with this. His other friends and parents agree with me, but I can’t get him see it from any other point of view.
Please help before I drive myself mad!!!!!
Read our guy’s response after the jump!
At the heart of the issue, this sort of thing stems from your own fears. Now I only have limited information, but in past situations like this women have told me it stems from fear that he might have feelings for her or that he’s not totally over her. Fear that she might do something to screw up your relationship with him. Fear that she might take advantage of him (and you want to protect him from that.)
While these are all legitimate fears, remember that they are your fears and therefore your responsibility in terms of handling them.
The fact is that just about any high-quality guy out there is going to have ex-girlfriends. He may or not be friends with them.
You may not mind some of his ex’s and other ex’s you may absolutely hate. And there’s no “relationship law” that says you should like them.
Generally speaking, though, when you have a relationship with someone, you consider it your relationship with that other person. Now, have you ever had someone you had a relationship with that other people didn’t approve of… maybe a friend, an ex, a current boyfriend, etc.
People would say they didn’t like the person and they would give a reason. The first time you would take their opinion into consideration (because after all, the person who said it to you is probably someone that you know cares for you.) But regardless of their opinion, it didn’t change yours.
Why? Because it was your relationship. It was yours – they didn’t know the person in the way you knew them. They didn’t understand… and frankly, you didn’t want to explain it to them because really it’s none of their business (and they probably wouldn’t see your point of view anyway). Still, you appreciated their sentiment since you knew it was said out of their love and concern for you.
But then maybe that person said it a second time. Now you’re getting annoyed – they don’t know that person how you know them! After you heard their opinion once, that was enough. Now you’re starting to resent them saying anything to you… now you’re starting to block their opinion out because it’s none of their business.
Now, I’m assuming you’ve had this experience at least once in your life. I definitely have… And the truth is some of the time the people warning me about a relationship were right… but other times they were absolutely, positively wrong. But I can tell you, every time that someone has pressured me by telling me their opinion of someone more than once, I started to resent them for making the complaint.
Why? Because when they tell me more than once that they don’t agree with my relationship with a person, they’re disrespecting me. They’re disrespecting my ability to make a decision based on my evidence and what I see in front of me.
So my opinion is to not respond to whatever his situation is with his ex… I’m not saying flat out ignore it (though that’s not entirely a bad idea). But getting worked up about it will most likely lead you to a bad place…
Yeah, it’s not easy. Oh believe me, it’s not easy.
I can tell you that when I was on the receiving end of this sort of thing, I was not graceful about it. Years ago, I would be dating a girl and she would be carrying on conversations with an ex because he was a friend. At first, I would try to be cool about it… let it go. But then it would eat away at me because, in my mind, there is nothing worse than being played for a fool.
It was my fear, but I would run it around in my head, again and again until it became this “monster” of a thought. Then the poor girl would get a text or something from her ex-boyfriend/friend and I would explode into an angry tirade about it. I regret it – it was destructive and never ever helped my relationship. I learned my lesson though. I handled my problem (because it was my problem, not hers.)
The truth is that when I was in that situation, I didn’t manage my fears. I’m trying to remember how I felt exactly… It was like, I was so afraid of the idea that she could have been doing something and playing me for a fool that I felt compelled to snuff out any relationship she had that made me uncomfortable. It was insecurity at its finest, and it’s not a male thing- it’s a human thing.
There were lessons I needed to learn. I needed to learn to trust my own instincts – to trust that I would know something was wrong if my relationship was bad, not because I felt jealous or uncomfortable about a relationship she had. Frankly, people are going to do whatever they want to do anyway. Playing detective or trying to control the other person to prevent them from being able to contact someone is just going to fill that person with resentment and will drain you of energy you could be putting towards better things… like making your relationship good.
Seriously meditate upon this thought: People are going to do whatever they want to do. No amount of trying to control them, or to “guilt” them, or to reason with them, or to commit to them, etc. is going to change that. Of course your actions matter, but what I’m saying here is that in the end, you can’t control the other person and even if you were able to, it’s much better to know that the other person is going to be the way you want them to be without you having to expend energy on “controlling” them. My feeling these days is that if your relationship is good in the moments that you’re with the person, it’s good. Worrying about what they could do just throws away any chance for enjoying your own life.
For me, realizing this… really really realizing it… made me free. I stopped trying to be perfect and control everything so I could feel OK. And most importantly, I stopped interpreting someone else’s actions as a reflection of me.
Anyway, I’m just sharing how I felt when I was in this sort of situation. You’re going to handle it however you’re going to handle it – all I’m doing is sharing my experience with you. But I can tell you from my experience (both on the giving and receiving end of things), outside opinions are not appreciated. If I were in your situation, I would do whatever I could to avoid the subject of this ex-girlfriend altogether.
- eric charles
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
I want to say that I love ANewMode and the various topics your web-site offers.
This article has caught my eye because in most relationships we have experienced this issue at least once in its term. I will start off by saying that I have been in this situation conincidentally and I can relate. I have had about 3 serious ‘intimate’ relationships in my life. When I say ‘intimate’ I mean exclusivity between two people and no one else. You are a couple.
I have remained friends with two of them. The first one is a subject that is sore to me and I had a few regrets with how it was left. It taught me a valuable lesson and that is to always try to remain civil with those you once cherished. They were once your world and you have shared some of your most fond memories with this person. They somehow shaped you to what you are today. I look at all people in this view and most find me to be a big ’softie,’ which I have no problem admitting to. So when I am sharing myself with them in both the emotional and physical sense it is very hard to just drop them out of my life for good. It makes me go against my beliefs and integrity. I just got done telling this person for 2+ years that they were my love and I would die for them to just abandoning them? I just always found that strange. However, if they have crossed me in such a malicious manner that the value of trust was in question then I would have to remain away from them for a time being until I felt I could accept their character. This goes for any relationship I encounter as well. I have no time for mistrust.
So within this relationship I learned how people can become ‘obsessed’ with the thought that the other is always up to no good. I could be just cleaning my room or walking the dog and I would have 15 calls when I returned. I would call back and get the usual drill and attitude .. where were you/who were you with/etc. At first I believed that it was a sign of caring but I slowly began to realize it was just a big sign of insecurity. However, I loved so I was blind. Many breakups occurred in this relationship. The constant arguing and making up occured and eventually it began to take its toll on both our mental and physical health. A lot of hurtful things were said that I unfortunately can not apologize for now. I left this relationship on a bad note and it took years before I would even consider getting into another one.
I would like to say that this relationship was started immediately as well. No foundation was built. Insta-relationship
Now when I enter a relationship I make it a point that we know each other very well. It creates harmony and peace if you know each other very well. You can see how their daily lives are structured and who their character is. If they are trust-worthy to others than what makes you think they are not going to be trust-worthy with you. Especially you. This creates a bond that diminishes the idea of having to check on their every move. Sometimes doing so (especially before you have even commited to each other realistically) causes unecessary issues and anxiety. You are now harboring assumptions without validation. Yes you may have been pyscho and ran their credit and background as a pre-requisite BUT you may have it way off!! As much as you want to believe otherwise and others want to feed into you it is just way off. So now you are just stressing yourself while your SO sits in astonishment and amusement. You have these feelings without ever being able to express them and get a detailed and honest story behind it because you snooped.
Your infected now so all goes out the door when this person speaks. And then all the mishaps that I had in relationship one occurs. Never Again will I do that to myself and I recommend ANewMode viewers to also remain weary of this relationship. Control should not be the foundation of any relationship. It just does too much damage. You should be able to be you and not be judged until a fair trial is made. Both parties should be able to clearly clarify and express their emotion. When it is one-sided it is never whole.
A healthy relationship is one that the other person isn’t always trying to win at or control. It is about enjoying the time spent together and not worrying about the mistakes they have made in the past. If they are the ‘quality’ type they would have most likely have learned from them as well. If they are now with you and the foundation is there all that should not be your relationship issue. If it is then I advise saving yourself the aggrevation and moving on.
Communication is always key and when that is broken or hung up somewhere then peace and harmony will never be there.
Tommy,
Awesome, awesome comment. I really appreciate you taking the time to write this out for the ANewMode.com audience.
And what Tommy’s writing about here is something that the majority of guys have experienced. We react in different ways, sometimes we’re the givers, sometimes we’re the receivers, but what I’m getting at is these relationship dynamics/issues are universal! Men and women think about these things and experience these things and comments like this help show us this.
Again, I’m really happy you wrote this because it’s another male voice showing that men are not cold, heartless monsters when we decide to do things a certain way. Most of the time, we are making the best decisions we can based on our experiences, but don’t have the personal insight or the words to communicate it.
Fortunately, we DO have this blog and within this context we have the time and space to really articulate where we’re coming from.
Thanks for this.
While I think what you guys said in comments is great, I think what you are saying applies when two people break up, healing happens, and later they chose to be friends because they valued each other as a person. In this case, I think what was missed is the part where the ex is acting inapropriately. If they were truly platonic friends, she would not be texting him that he is neglecting friends (but really her). She would let him go about his life and be happy to see him when the situation arose. Sending manipulative messages possibly intended to guilt someone is not being a friend. In fact, she may full well know the two of them may be together when she texts or just figures “hey, its a saturday night, they must be…”
I don’t get the impression the boyfriend is going to dump the poster for the ex, but I do get the feeling that the ex could potentially intrude emotionally on the relationship if the guy doesn’t set up clear boundaries with her, or the boyfriend tires of the friction and go off on his own as its just easier.
Yes, it is up to us females not to wig out when a boyfriend has had other relationships before and runs into his ex or keeps in touch, but it is also up to the guy to set clear boundaries with his exes as well.
Hey Chris,
I agree with you that the ex-girlfriend’s “guilting” text messages are inappropriate and less-than-friendly. I would also agree that it is totally the guy’s responsibility to set boundaries as to what is acceptable within their friendship.
But even with that being the case, the bigger picture is that this guy used to date this woman and when they were together, he probably cared for her very much. She probably cared for him very much too.
In a perfect world, everything would be clean-cut and logical and we would have complete control of our emotions at all times. But that’s not reality… relationships and emotions are not so absolute as logic and “right-and-wrong”.
I have always found it a weird idea that someone could be a person that you absolutely adore and then, after a breakup, have absolutely no relation to them whatsoever. I think that if you appreciate someone enough to be with them in the first place, you would still appreciate them afterwards for those same qualities even if you’re not together.
But to transition into a full-fledged friendship takes time and the adjustment sometimes involves saying some pretty difficult things (and yes, like you’d said, setting boundaries).
All I was saying in my response is that the guy is probably very well aware of all of this and he’s handling it the best he can… And if the current girlfriend gets involved, it will probably make for an ugly scene. My opinion is that the best solution, is to have faith in the guy and his ability to work it out and take appropriate action.
Not easy and definitely doesn’t mean the ex-girlfriend is doing the right thing, but I believe staying out of it is the best way. You don’t have to accept it or like it, but at least give the guy a chance to address it and set things right before getting involved.
I just wanted to thank all of you for your honesty about this. You definately make sense about just avoiding the ex-girlfriend relationship subject. I am having a hard time about the relationship I am in because it started so suddenly and he hasn’t talked about his ex. She moved away a few months before I met him, now she is back and he mentions her as just a friend. I didn’t even know they were an item until someone that knows both of them told me. It does eat at me from time to time but we do have a great relationship since June 09. It was instant attraction between us and he is a true gentleman. We both were previously married for 20 years and we have been divorced for 8 years. Love the insight! Thanks again.