Have you ever dated a guy who at first looked at you like you were magic…but then soon after seemed kind of indifferent to you? (Raising my hand to this one!)
Or how about being “ghosted?” That has happened to so many of us that it’s now a part of our common vernacular. Has a guy ever suddenly lost interest when things started out seemingly great? Have you faced the pain and agony of watching his excitement over you steadily extinguish?
I know you have because we all have. It’s painful, and quite frankly, it sucks.
I want to start off by saying it’s not because you’re bad or unlovable or unworthy. If that’s what you think, then stop!
You, like many women, may just be unaware of subtle things that turn men off. You may have the very best intentions… but it’s not about the intentions. It’s something else.
Whatever the scenario, you’re left with endless questions and want to know what happened and why. Well, that’s why you have me!
I’m going to break down the five biggest reasons men get turned off from being in a relationship with you.
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5 Things That Turn Men Off to Relationships
1. When You Have an Agenda
What does it mean to have an agenda? It means being in a relationship is your goal and everything you say and do is in pursuit of that goal.
Having an agenda prevents you from connecting to him as a person because he is really just a means to an end for you.
The courtship phase is supposed to be about getting to know each other. It’s the time to discover if you have chemistry, if you’re compatible, and if you enjoy each other’s company.
If during this discovery phase you both come to realize how much better your life is with the other person, and how much you enjoy having them around, then a relationship will effortlessly and naturally unfold.
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When you mentally jump into a relationship prematurely, you take the fun out of it and instead of things feeling pleasant, there is an underlying feeling of pressure that your man can definitely pick up on.
Think about it. It’s impossible to enjoy spending time with someone who has an agenda. You just know when someone is trying to get something out of you and it causes you to be cautious and guarded around them.
When you have an agenda, you’re on red alert. You’re anxious and on edge because you have so much at stake. You can’t just be. This is a destructive vibe and a total attraction killer for a man.
Aside from that, when you’re in agenda mode you kind of cheat yourself out of this very fun and exciting stage of a relationship.
You only get one beginning, and it’s such a short-lived and magical part of the relationship. It’s fun getting to know someone new and spend time with someone you like. It’s exciting to discover this person and to discover things about yourself in the process. You feel exhilarated and electric and almost high.
Rushing into a relationship kills the attraction…and the relationship. Try to enjoy the process without racing to some end goal. Be present. Enjoy the here and now.
2. Being Too Needy
It’s natural to want to make the guy you’re dating happy. However, this can quickly translate into being too needy and desperate and this is what turns men off more than anything. Being too available and trying too hard are visceral turn-offs and make you look desperate and insecure, to put it bluntly.
When you bend over backwards to please a guy it sends off a red flag in his mind and he reflexively pulls away.
Here is something very important to understand: men want to feel wanted, not needed. Needing him means you need him to respond to you in a certain way in order to feel OK. If he doesn’t text back or compliment you or become “official,” you feel devastated. (If you think neediness is a problem for you, be sure to read this article.)
If the only thing you have to look forward to these days is hearing from him, then you need to adjust your priorities ASAP.
Don’t make him the center of your life. Happiness is something you bring into a relationship, not something you get out of one.
A lot of advice givers will say don’t be too available. This is true to a certain extent but being too available isn’t the problem. The problem is really being too needy and desperate for his approval. It’s a mindset more than a set of beahviors.
3. Settling for What You Don’t Want (and not really knowing what it is you do want)
You’re dating a guy and he shows you he’s not relationship material. Maybe he even comes right out and tells you he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. But you stay anyway, thinking surely he’ll change his mind.
Sound familiar? I hear variations of this situation all the time…I was even once in a situation just like that (okay, maybe a few!).
Here is where it becomes a problem. You stay with this guy who can’t give you what you want, but you expect him to act like your boyfriend and then get upset when he doesn’t. You expect to hear from him, you expect him to touch base, you expect certain romantic gestures…but he doesn’t deliver. The thing is, you can’t cast him in the role of the boyfriend when he doesn’t accept the part.
In these situations, the woman often feels resentful towards him for not meeting her needs even though she knew he was incapable of doing so from the start. When these bitter, negative feelings start to emerge, it’s not long before he’s out of there.
You can’t change a man or turn him into what you want him to be. You also can’t force a situation to be what you want it to be. The only person you can control is yourself.
MORE: Why Men Pull Away
Figure out what you want, give yourself permission to have the relationship you want, don’t settle for what you don’t want and then get upset when your needs aren’t being met.
This essentially comes down to lack of boundaries and lack of boundaries is caused by low self-esteem…just like almost every other relationship problem.
4. Not Being Honest
There is no more unattractive woman to a man than a dishonest woman. Trust is everything in a relationship; if you’re dishonest and deceitful, he will end it faster than you can say deceitful.
It’s not just about lying, although this is a major red flag. It’s also about being dishonest with who you are, with what you want, and your intentions.
Don’t tell him you’re a cool go with the flow girl who wants to be his sex-buddy when secretly you’re hoping he falls madly in love with you and proposes.
Don’t tell him you believe certain things just to get him to like you. Don’t pretend to be someone you aren’t. The truth always comes out and then what will you do?
MORE: Why He Lost Interest
Another layer is being emotionally honest. Tell him how you’re feeling, don’t be passive aggressive or shove your feelings aside (they will come back with a vengeance). Yes, sometimes this will require being a little vulnerable — and we’re all terrified of that! — but you have to go there if you ever want a deep, meaningful relationship.
MORE: Why Did He Withdraw?
What scares men away is neediness and emotionally empty women who rely on a boyfriend to fill them up with happiness and a sense of worth. A woman who expresses her emotions and needs honestly is not scary. On the contrary, she’s endearing.
5. Being Too Me-Centered
In the age of Instagram and Facebook, we all have traces of Narcissus in us (some much more than others). It’s not so much that we’re so obsessed with ourselves as it is a whopping dose of insecurity. Who wouldn’t feel insecure constantly scrolling through filtered images of people at their absolute best? But that’s a separate topic.
Talking too much, bragging, boasting, worrying about your own wants and needs to the point of obsession- these are all major turn-offs for men.
MORE: Signs He’s Pulling Away
Relationships are about giving, and me-centered people can’t see beyond their own wants and needs. The relationship isn’t a shared experience, it’s their experience and this can lead to a very toxic dynamic.
A lot of women fall into the trap of obsessing over their own wants and needs (and I want to clarify that I’m not saying you shouldn’t have wants or needs, you should! And those wants and needs will hopefully be met. But it goes two ways), and then wonder why a guy is no longer interested. You have to see outside of yourself in order to connect to someone else and this can only happen when you’re in a healthy place emotionally.
MORE: Why Men Disappear
At the same time, being too him-centered is also a problem, as we discussed in the beginning of this article. Both have the same root: insecurity.
So what’s the solution?
The solution is not to follow a set of rules or play a part. A friend of mine asked me the other day for the “formula” to get a guy to want to commit. She was coming from a truly earnest place. She didn’t buy that it was all random happenstance, surely there must be a strategy!
Well, there is… sort of. The “strategy” is to be your best self. To work on your issues. To find happiness in your life and to find meaning in your life. The solution is not to believe that you will find happiness, self-esteem, and meaning as soon as you have a boyfriend. This mindset is what causes all the off-putting behaviors I’ve discussed in this article.
That is really all you can do. You can’t force someone to love you, you just have to make yourself loveable in essence.
Got a question or some feedback? Hit me up in the comments section!
Lots of love,
Want to find out if he’s really losing interest? Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Is He Losing Interest” Quiz right now and find out if he’s really losing interest in you…