Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › He doesnt want a relationship but wants to keep seeing me
This topic contains 168 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Marin 4 years, 3 months ago.
My cousin was with a woman for 10 years who wanted marriage, babies and committment. He just would committ so she waited and waited. Eventually he broke up with her and within months had met someone new. They were married within a year. His ex had wasted a decade of her life.
Sometimes you can love someone but not “enough”. You love and care from them but you know they’re not “the one”. I think that’s what’s happening with most of the guys in these posts. They’re not bad people, they just don’t have the right feelings and can’t see a long-term future with you.
SomeGirlsAdvice, please don’t try and be friends. It’s never going to work. Break all contact. You may find his love for you overcomes his feelings of not being in a relationship, but he needs time to sort his head out away from you. He needs time to miss you. He has to feel that fear of losing you forever, they you will get over him and that you will meet someone else. This is the risk he’s chosen to take, so he has to suffer the consequences. That’s a problem he’s created for himself. He knows by staying in your life you’re less likely to move on. It’s not fair on you though to be hanging around on the slim chance he might change his mind. His feelings are no longer your problem. He made sure of that.
mariah, he has a girlfriend…
Mariah he has a girlfriend, leave him alone. Don’t act helpless in this situation. Find some dignity and move on. Same goes with everyone else here who can’t let go.
These articles were very I’m formative and made me open my eyes. I been in one of these bs kinda dating or whatever you call it. It’s the first guy I opened up to since my ex. It sucks because we been to weddings etc together. I have a blast with him but you are right if he cared he would know by now I’m the girl he wants to be with. I got to stay strong and let him realize what he misses easier said then done.
I am in a similar situation and that too with a married guy with 2 kids n a wife. I myself am divorced. We just got into this relationship and it has been 3 years. Though he has never promised a marriage or anything, he just doesn’t let me go. Every time I try to leave, he cries and does things which makes me come back. I love him very much, but it is hurting. It hurts badly coz I know he will never marry me and I need that stability in a relationship.
So Susan… What did you expect would happen?
Don’t need to read your post. The title alone tells me he’s selfish and you’re meeting his needs – he’s not meeting yours.
Susan, break contact. Tell him if he ever contacts you again, you’ll tell his wife. That’ll stop him crying and begging for you back. You’ll be dropped like a stone.
This is a difficult one- it always is when it comes to matters of the heart. None of us, when we meet someone, says: I want to be in a difficult relationship with someone who will continually let me down, not be there for me, and puts his needs first. Yet, that’s what we allow. I’ve come to believe that we tell people exactly who they can treat us by what we allow in our lives.
I met a man who had been going through a divorce. We developed a friendship. The only man with whom I have ever slept is the one to whom I had been married. I like him. I liked him from the first time I had met him.
Fast forward- six months. His divorce is final, he is settling into his life as a part-time dad, and adjusting to his life of being single. And, he truly enjoys his life. No one to tell him what to do, where to go, or how to spend his time.
We went on a “date”- not sure if I can really call it this, but it was time we had spent together and not visiting at my place. It was fun.
When he came in after the evening was over, he hugged me. With him- in the past few months or so- is never just a friendly hug. It has been some time since I have felt a connection- not just a physical one- with a man. He can hold his own intellectually, he isn’t afraid to show emotion, and most importantly, He was a relationship with God. In the moment, I told him I didn’t want him to leave. As I didn’t. My heart longs for a committed relationship with a man who will truly love me, value me, not take me for granted; but also a man who will spend time with me and make me a priority.
Because he cannot be this type of man, he went home. The reason I know this is because we had talked the next day. He said any guy would have stayed, but he did not because he doesn’t want to hurt me. I’ve been through hell and back in the relationships I’ve been: one ended up in prison, and another died in a car accident. So I assured him there was really no way he could hurt me.
I told him I know what I want, and I do, as previously stated. He said he wants to still be part of my life, but I am the one who gets to decide if he’s worth it. I don’t mean to sound mean or conceited in saying this.
I had been so conditioned to view what everyone else wants as more important than what I do.
He knows the kind of woman I am. He’s made it clear that he needs time, so I am the one who is stepping away.
I deserve more than to be an afterthought. Someone told me “Do not make someone a priority who sees you as an option.” It’s difficult, as I truly care about him so much. But, I’ve learned a long time ago, people are going to do what they are going to do.
He is a nice man with flaws- just like everyone.
His biggest is that he is always so concerned about what everyone thinks- he doesn’t want to upset anyone- he doesn’t want to hurt anyone. But, I continue to remind myself, I’m not just anyone. I am an amazing woman who deserves so much better than what he is offering me. McDonald’s was fine when I was younger; but now that I am a grown up, I know what I want, and that’s sushi- someone who is wiling to grow and change with me. Someone who looks forward to spending time with me and will make time for me because I am that important. To be this kind of man takes courage- the courage to not worry about what everyone thinks or hurting everyone. The courage to pursue me- to be brave enough to walk the journey of life with me no matter what is thrown in our path. As of now, he’s not this kind of man. Will he someday change? I’m not sure. Either one of two things will happen: he will put on his big boy pants, face his fears, and be strong enough to be part of my life, or he won’t. And if he can’t or won’t, God will send a man who will. For I will continue to hold onto God’s promise: “Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4).
Bottom line, the love you accept is a reflection of the love you have for yourself. When you settle for anything less than you deserve it’s because your core values aren’t up to par. It’s only natural to become “broken” or “jaded” or severely affected by things in life *especially relationships* but until you do the inner work to truly accept, deal with, learn from, and resolve these issues PRIOR to searching for a relationship, you’re just going to end up with someone who’s a reflection of your imbalance
So what if they cry as you’re leaving… Better them cry than you while you sit at home completely dissatisfied with the relationship. No amount of tears will should ever lead you to sacrifice your fulfillment. I is meant for you, you won’t have to beg for it. You will never have to sacrifice your dignity for your destiny!
Hi ladies, I’m recently going through similar situation, was seeing this guys for some months now, on and off; he found it soo easy to cut me off for three weeks anytime we argue. fast forward to this year, he started calling frequently, texting, wanting to see me and all things were going on great, until one day he says his sister is coming in and she cant meet me yet, this made me quesion a lot and i finally got to ask him what he truly wanted from me, and he says hes not ready for a relationship.
we havent spoekn in three weeks and i miss him very much.
what do i do?
Get a clue.. And move on.
I think Lucy’s right. All you can do is move on if he doesn’t want a relationship. Don’t let him come back unless he clearly states he’s changed his mind about that.
i have the same situation… he is not ready to commit.. when he has other things to do he forgets me no contact .. he is quiet but when he is alone he sends me messages and even ask me out.. im tired in this roller coaster but i love him.. and i dont want to date anyone else. im confuse he told me that he still wants to do what he wants to do and go out and be friends with girls… it cannot be just us.. im hurt we are not in the same side.. so im just like you i stop seein him but then after a week or two i go out with him again. we are in this kind of relation for 4 years now..
^ Rose, get off the roller coaster then.
Rose – there was a woman who came to this forum a few months ago. She was in exactly this type of relationship with a guy for 10 years. And then out of the blue he dumped her as he found someone whom he wanted to share his life with. I do not remember if he and that other girl were engaged or just bf/gf. But the fact of the matter was, he very easily ended it with this 10 year girl and jumped into an exclusive relationship with the other one.
Do you want to be this 10 year girl who allowed the guy to walk all over her just because she “loved” him? Get a clue – he doesn’t love you and never will. All he sees you is an easy lay who allows him to get away with treating her like crap. Why will he not want to use you when you allow him to?
No guy can respect a woman who lets him walk all over him. And without respect there is no love or relationship …. PERIOD!!
Forget this guy. I wouldn’t have any further contact with him.
The only thing I can tell you is to stay away I made the big mistake of entering a FWB relationship and I ended up falling in love, he had only broken up with his three year girlfriend and wasn’t looking for a relationship, 11 long months I stayed by his side loving him and trying to be there for him whenever he needed me I fell madly in love until now he just started dating a girl and he says he is in love with her I asked him about it since he hadn’t told me the news and he finally said that he had gone on a date with her but never had sex which I didn’t cared I told him that unfortunately I wasn’t a second choice and I deserved better he still wants to be friends but I think cutting him off completely will be my better choice
Hi …we talked in texting almost every other day but there’s a time that I was merely begging him to come back but he turned me down cuz he told there’s lots of things that changes …but when I mailed him that someone who’s stalking and following me he just left where he is and go to me straight and take me to my work and he kissed me in my fore head and we hug a but and I said thank you ….after do you think we still have chance to get back again or he still love me I’m confused
Wow it is so amazing to me that so many women are in this situation. I am also fresh out of a situation like this and I decided to choose myself and my sanity and walk away. It hurts me oh so much and it has only been 2 weeks but he has shown no signs that he even misses me or wants to be with me so I have to suck it up and move on. I agree with the women on here who say to move on.
At what point are we going to show these men that we are valuable self respecting women? We have to walk away in order to show them that we see ourselves as more important than them. this forum really helps me when I am at my lowest points as I don’t feel alone. So ladies, choose yourselves first over any man. If they want us, they will step up and do whatever it takes.
He was on the rebound – still grieving from the previous breakup and not ready to love another. You were the rebound girl.
Self respect is everything
I was seeing someone for almost two years and we did the off and on game because I didn’t know if i should leave him alone. This guy told me one time he didn’t know what he wanted. We would only meet up at night never during the day and I never knew where he lived. I was thinking omg it’s just a booty call. I was a bit confused cause he would text me everyday and I was use to that. Well once again I stopped contacting him and it’s barely going on 2 weeks. Will i remain strong? Yes. This time I have to stay away. Plus this guy left a voicemail calling me the ” b” word cuz I was ignoring him. I found my self respect to remain lovin myself.
Self respect is everything, you never knew where he lived after 2 years?! Are you sure he’s not married or in a relationship?
I’m glad you walked away. Two years is a long time to waste on someone who just wants a booty call.