This topic contains 168 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Marin 2 years, 10 months ago.
April 13, 2016 at 9:23 am #524955
8 months-it started out great, he’d cook me dinner with his kids I’d do the same, we’d have sleepovers all the time. He invited me to parties were family members were- Im thinking its going great. I toke longer to let him meet my daughter but was honest telling him no-one meets my daughter so consider yourself lucky.
This started to get more heavy then he pulled away. We continued to see eachother casually but I finally told him I wanted more.
He,, like these other’s explained he didn’t want a serious relationship and wanted to just continue as things were….
I thought I could handle that no drama!!!
I backed off for about a month but we’ve ended up back together this weekend. .
We totally enjoy eachothers company but I need to be honest nit just with him but to myself. I want more now- is that so wrong?
How would I approach this?
I do like this guy and know he likes me too. After reading everyone else’s situations, I’m now considering cutting contact to see how long it takes him to call me.
I’ve wanted something no stress and just enjoy each others company but I’ll be the one hurt.
Help!!!April 13, 2016 at 9:52 am #524959
Walk away. If he doesnt want the same thing you do then all you’re going to do is get hurt.April 26, 2016 at 6:41 pm #528078
I met a guy in 2013. He had just come off of a break up with his fiancée and was in a pretty bad place. We dated on and off from late summer to around Thanksgiving, when he told me that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. It made me feel badly, but I went on about my business. Then, he showed back up in the new year, and even celebrated Valentine’s Day with me. We went on a trip to Mexico in March, and the relationship struggled until around July, when I finally broke it off with him. We went on a trip to Mexico in March, and the relationship struggled until around July, when I finally broke it off with him. Why did I break it off? He was on again off again, unpredictable, and completely only thinking of himself. He only referred to me as his girlfriend when it was convenient, and it turned out that he was actually in contact with several other girls at the time, unbeknownst to me.
Fast forward to this year, 2016. After a couple years, yes YEARS of no contact, he was back. Apparently, he missed me. But nope. Not the case. From around November until just within the last week, the relationship has once again been a roller coaster of him jerking me around. Him not being sure he could trust me, him not being sure he could even love anyone, him not being sure about anything. One thing I am sure about? I am no more than a fallback plan for him.
Take it from me, please. If someone discards you like that, they are NOT a good connection. Cut ties. No talking. Don’t give him the chance to jerk you around again!May 5, 2016 at 5:17 pm #530203
I wanted to first thank everyone that offers valuable advice on here, your posts became my strength when I chose to end my relationship last night.
I was in a relationship with an amazing, caring and intelligent man that always treated me with the utmost respect for 9 months. I knew from the beginning that he had commitment issues, but I did put my foot down from the start and said that if we were going to become intimate we would have to be in a committed and exclusive relationship and he obliged. That however was the easy part, he then fell into a deep depression, quit his job and up until recently struggled to find motivation to get out of bed sometimes. I could not have been more supportive but he started pushing away and then told me that he no longer wanted a relationship. He said it wasn’t his depression, but it was the fact that he did not want to feel committed in any way and just wanted to “wander”. He said he loved me, but that he just did not envision himself moving forward and did not want to waste my time. We struggled with the breakup for a month but kept in contact, cried together and we were reminded that what we had was precious, but he just did not want it anymore. He even said he was uncomfortable with the idea of being “happy”…
I was considering staying on and “hanging out” while he dealt with his issues, but I reminded myself of my worth and told him that I wanted a committed loving relationship again and that if he could not provide that, then we would part ways. He agreed, admitted to being an idiot, but still did not fight for me.
I’m determined to zero communication because this hurts so much and the truth is that the only way this feeling of pain will go away is through time. I hope this sticks, and thanks again for all you ladies offering advice, you gave me the strength. :)May 7, 2016 at 2:28 am #530551
Thanks for the efforts to continue this thread. I too have gone through the similar thing. He was a caring supportive bf for 1 year. I wasn’t a very secure person, he managed to text and call me every morning and night and up until the point when he faded away, I had just realized he was never someone who liked to text and call his gf regularly in his nature. Our ‘breakup’ was due to external issues. He didn’t choose me. It is very upseting and unimagineable that someone like this eventually showed you to ur face that they don’t care anymore. I struggled for 9 months. I could not let go, it was not even an option for me. But then I slowly accepted the fact. Love takes two. If one person gives up, the other cannot revive it no matter how she’d try. I kind of feel my delaying of breaking it up had given him the opportunity to heal, because otherwise he would suffer that sharp pain and remember me as someone with self respect. Now I am just someone like any other women who will sacrifice her value to be with him. So he won’t have that kind of respect for me anymore. Nothing feels worse than this. But to be honest I still cannot walk away completely. It is pathetic.May 31, 2016 at 1:10 pm #536534
Hi, I’m reading your threads, thanks.
I’ve been seeing a guy for a month who has just got out of a 3 year relationship. He also had a 10 years marriage before the recent breaking up. I dated him for 2 weeks, sweet time ever for me. After 2 weeks I saw pics of his ex girl friend who is really a crap (I’m sorry to say), doesn’t have any degree or career, fat and weird face and even has a teenager daughter. I was very disappointed and asked him if his standard was that low. I texted him the next day saying that I’m afraid I can’t be with him. I like him a lot but the fact of his exes stroke my pride.
After one week I said sorry to him and he forgave me. We met right after that night for swimming and had sex. The next day he went on a 3 days trip to south with his buddhism meditation group to which he brought me once. He didn’t text me or tried to contact me at all. I came to know that he is dating someone else in that group. It hurts me like hell when I realized myself that the woman is also a crap mom. I didn’t text him either.
After two weeks, again, me texted him and he replied back right away, asked me out and we had great time again but I felt he has a distance as he is always. The next day I casually asked him over to give me an idea about a roommate I’m going to live with. He came and the conversation brought up to the point where he said he doesn’t feel a relationship with me. I told him that I know he is dating that woman and it has been hurting me, blah blah. I tried to ask why he doesn’t feel to have a relationship with me but with another crap woman. He said he doesn’t know, and eventually said “Maybe it is not the right time for me”.
I didn’t contact him for two weeks and texted him again last weekend asking for helps. He found a good way to see me again and we had good conversations, great time of kissing and cuddling again. I am looking for buying a house and he drove me to open houses and gave ideas. He even asked me if I wanted to live in a beautiful house with him. I said I’d love to but his heart isn’t with me so.. He said his heart is with me. He treated me like his gf, very nice and gentle. That makes me like him even more. I pretended nothing has happened and enjoyed my time. However I didn’t have sex with him this time, I restrained it. I know he had sex with the other woman, I just couldn’t let myself do it although it was very tempted.
I really like this guy and feel I can go through my life with him (Which girl who has broken heart didn’t think that? ;-)). However, that was exactly what he said, doesn’t want a relationship WITH ME. How should I react?
Thank you for your reading!
Rosie.May 31, 2016 at 1:16 pm #536537
He’s playing you. Pure and simple.
He never gets in touch but when you do he’s all over you? He’s thinking “oh good she’s up for sex again”. That’s it! You know about one other woman but there may be more. And why tolerate that? He’s having his fun after the end of his marriage and other break-up. You’re miserable because you’re allowing yourself to be used by someone that doesn’t really care for you. So stop!May 31, 2016 at 1:43 pm #536552
The man is not pursuing you which tells you all you need to know.
Men don’t pursue women who pursue them. Also by you telling him that the women he chooses are crap is very insulting to him. Not a way to build a good bond.June 1, 2016 at 8:36 am #536805
Sara I’ll join the ‘no contact’ chorus. I understand you hadn’t had a fight or anything so the reason he doesn’t want to commit must have come from within himself. The best way for a guy to figure out his issues is to be left alone.June 1, 2016 at 9:40 am #536816
hie! i suggest you walk away from this man u are just wasting your time spending your time with him,whereas you wud be meeeting a true loving man out there.June 1, 2016 at 10:15 am #536822
Rosie – he is 100% just playing you…..Very typical….
Never contacts you but all over you when you do?? This is him telling you you want to provide free sex and comfort at no cost to me, OK, I will take it………Since you beg to give it to me…..June 1, 2016 at 10:25 am #536827
eish! thats stressing but hey open your eyes lady,he is playing you because he realized you love him and if he say something to you,you will run after him. so stop now now plz…..
chadiwaJune 1, 2016 at 11:52 am #536842
Thank you guys!
I’m devastated. As all of you on here I’m looking for a meaningful relationship while guys are all like that. No matter what how sexy or attractive I am or talented I am as an engineer, I failed all the time since I put my heart out there. OK, head up, there is not anything wrong with being passionate and honest. Thank you guys! Be strong and confident! We will find our true love.June 1, 2016 at 12:03 pm #536846
He was pursuing me at the beginning with flowers and activities.
When I said I wanted to go swim, he went to the swimming pool to check for schedule and said water is warm… When I was touched in downtown, he was about to fly there to save me.
A lot of things make me down for him. Unfortunately, it’s all about a game, sad.June 8, 2016 at 11:53 am #538680
I didn’t think what I was experiencing was so prominent everywhere. I am at a loss as to what to do at times and at other times quite content with the way things are.
I am a contradiction.
I met a wonderful man November 2015. We both weren’t looking for a relationship, but then started dating because it was nice to have someone to do stuff with and we not only enjoyed each other’s company but we were very attracted to one another. In fact, if I could have special ordered a man – all the way down to hobbies, hair color and eye color, this would have been it. We went out on several dates – I was still going through a difficult divorce (had dated other guys afterwards but never cared for them) and he had also come out of an unsatisfying relationship about 10 months before meeting me. Everything was going well – in fact, better than well. He was so sweet, showed me love in many ways, giving, caring, respectful and thoughtful. We’d text every day and talk every other day – never less than an hour+ on the phone. He texted “XOXO” to me frequently. I was spending many weekends at his place, he cooked for me, cuddled me and we were intimate often. I began to realize that I broke the rules. I fell in love – when I promised myself I wouldn’t – when I knew he was not ready for a committed relationship.
So in mid February 2016 I got the courage up to talk with him about my feelings. He started backing off – stating he got carried away – and that he felt like we just ‘fell’ into a relationship when neither of us wanted one. That our lives became predictable and it wasn’t what he wanted. But deep down inside I longed to be his lady – I missed romantic things and felt like I just wanted more. I needed security. The conversation was difficult. I choked on my words. I cried. He apologized profusely because he said the one thing he never wanted to do was to hurt me and he had done it without trying. Though he insisted he wasn’t ready for a relationship, he also stated he was not sleeping with anyone else, and that if he were to want a committed relationship that it would be me he’d choose. He said he had 2 other relationships in his life that went south and he didn’t want to mess things up. I got whatever I had left at his place and went home – I didn’t see him for 3 weeks. In that time we still texted every day and I was always open with my thoughts and feelings.
As March 2016 arrived, so did new hope for me. I missed what we were, even though it was untitled. We began to see each other occasionally, but not every weekend and not for entire weekends. We were intimate again and I was satisfied. I am definitely not looking to move in or to get married. I own my own home and have 2 teenage daughters I care for (which I would not allow him to meet, and he still hasn’t met), a career, as well as many other responsibilities. I had no time to ‘settle down’ with anyone really.
April 2016 came and then he invited me to his mother’s house for dinner. I met a lot of his family that day. I felt really weird. Like what was this? Why was I there? His family was nice to me, they knew lots about me – as it turned out he spoke of me highly and often.
May 2016 arrived with going to his 4 year old niece’s birthday party. I met just about everyone. His niece loved me and I thought the world of her too. I liked his whole family and they all knew me by name as well as things about my life (my job etc) that he often talked about. The end of May I went on a one night camping trip with his 2 buddies and him. I really felt kind of awkward, but he wanted me to go. Now here we are midway into June, undefined yet very ‘in’ to each other still. I have no desire to meet or date other people – I don’t know what his thoughts are on us anymore and I am absolutely terrified to ask. One day I texted an I love you – and he responded – I love you too. I cried that day. I am always confused. If he had no intention on keeping me in his life, would he have gone through the hassle of me meeting his family? His family is one of the most important things to him – so this was big. He also always talks about things we’re going to do in the future… again, confusing.
I like where we are. I like having him in my life, enjoying each other on many levels and knowing he cares. I don’t like worrying that I’m a fill-in until the right girl comes along (even asked him this in February and he was hurt that I’d think this of him). I don’t like not being able to introduce him as anything but his name – as he does with me. I love that we still have our spaces and aren’t looking to move in together or anything. I love that we are both in our 40’s and established – and I love the freedom our arrangement allots me… but I hate worry. I hate fear and I hate thinking he’d be open to meeting other women. It frightens me. Despite his confusion he really is a good person and I don’t want to lose him.
Although I met all of his family – he has yet to meet any of mine, including my daughters as I see no point in it if he’s not really by partner. I don’t want my family to like him and then have him disappear.
So I am in the ‘situationship’ boat too. The man that “isn’t ready for a relationship” but treats this like a wonderful loving relationship. I feel like he is just afraid to take a leap. He doesn’t want this to fail. He likes this and wants to move slowly. But am I fooling myself?
Maybe he’s a contradiction too.June 14, 2016 at 12:08 pm #540141
As I said above, I’m in the same situation with you although it has just been 3 months now. He cooked for me, spent the whole weekend with me, took pictures for me, even printed them out and put them in frames, painted my nails too. We had great times. The difference is it looks like he is still seeing another woman and he slept with that one too. They are members of a meditation group. They have chances to meet each other rather than me. It makes me completely totally down although he told me that he dropped his interest for her completely when he knows more about her. But who knows. He also had two failed relationships and has just got out of the last one.
I have exactly the same feelings with you, “I needed security. I don’t like worrying that I’m a fill-in until the right girl comes along”. I’m different from you, I need a relationship and I told him at the very beginning when we met, he convinced me he was looking for a relationship too. And then when I dropped down my armor he backed off and he saw that really low standard woman.
Reading your stories I feel I’m more lucky because it has not been that long. I know exactly the feelings, the worries we have to suffer in such this situation. I just wish this would be ended soon and we can have our confidence, peace again. I figure the better way to forget a guy is finding another guy. It worked many times. We deserve to be happy so please go out, and ready for a new date. That’s what I’m trying to do.June 22, 2016 at 12:52 am #542037
There was this guy who I fell in love with but he just wants to be friends but I made it clear that it wasn’t going to happen we were friends for a while a few years ago then he moved away from home got a girlfriend so now we are back to no contact at least till he and his girlfriend break upJuly 14, 2016 at 12:36 pm #547927
Hey ladies, i was in a relationship for 9 months with my man. We did everything together i mean everything. He’s 9 years older than me he has 3 kids i have 2 we do special things with the kids like taking them out bowling , movies etc . my kids really like this guy and his kids likes me . he has always made me feel lovedhe calls my kids his stepkids . he tells me loves me and how he ready to get a bigger house etc . now all of an sudden he wants to be be friends because he feel we rushed into to this relationship. He also says hes not seeing anyone else but me and maybe our relationship would work out oneday he just feel we rushed everything to fast . it broke my heart because i really had a lot of feelings for him the crazy part about everything is he still lives with me and i will not sleep with him at all then he gets mad at me and start asking questions like why u not sleeping with me ? Why u changing up on ? Then he also said im going to always be here for you no matter what im not going nowhere .i just dont get how if we are still friends why do he gets mad at me when i wear shorts or short dresses like he still over protected over me as if we ate still n a relationship … Im soo confused someone answer this plzJuly 14, 2016 at 12:38 pm #547929
Why are you housing a man who does not want a relationship with you?!
*bangs head*July 22, 2016 at 3:25 pm #550080
I met a amn seven months ago hotel one night of fun it was so amazing wild crazy fun we connected as people as well as sexually he said next morning i want to be with u be exclusive only u, we talked whirlwind every night hours on phone text every day, i stayed exclusive when out together he had respect met n hotels he started coming to mine said his brother lived with him wanted keep his private private family so every week we met only my place never his wouldent bring me home different excuses says adores me so open talking every day texting sexually sooo ghot exploring, three months in couldent stop that nagging feeling keeping something from me, talk about life simple thing everything cuddles kiss, said so often has feeling for me wants only me no one else cant commit to bf as been hurt in past couple of years earlier…. wouldent bring me home i still dident know where he lived at three months were exclusive onyl us talking every day except wont commit or bring me to his house so i ended it, since on n off contact texts n calls so many three weeks ago its now seven months on from first meet, i said yes meeting him i organised my sat free got sitter he comes back to me says sorry i havent got sat free i only have friday sorry bout that, next week i organise sitter its seven pm kids gone to sitter all ready text him hey let go to ur later not mine get outa house he text nme back so angry u know how i feel about my place its a no forget tonight feck off, hes sending long horrible text twenty mins later i said ok come ot mine before all long texts from him he said no hes pissed off so im left in house no kids sitter dressed he cancelled same two weeks after today hes texting calls saying hee wants only me but only fwb only exclusive to each other fun n drinks n laught be only together no one else all benefits os a bf but no going to his place no tag bf, i dont know why i cant break free of him i have feeling torn up inside so bad, he says over n over hes single im single wants things way they are but only exclusive tyo him n single i need to find strenght to move forward dont know hopw to do it im messing up in my life in other things this upset battle give out to myself sucked back iu lewt downJuly 24, 2016 at 2:51 pm #550584
This thread gives me so much strength. I thought I was alone. But to see all your posts and to see such beautiful women being played…running after a guy who is only thinking about themselves…….wow.
We all need to stick together and really learn to love ourselves…because once we do, we will never fight for a man who does not want us as a whole….
love you strangers….you all give me strength.August 14, 2016 at 8:48 pm #556759
Hi, I was wondering if anyone can help me out! You all seem so knowledgable.
I have been off again with a male 5 years younger than me for almost 3 years. We started hanging out 2 months ago after not speaking for a year (I always leave because it always feels too casual for me). Im 31, he’s almost 27. I tried to end it again last week and for the first time he didn’t let me. We ended up talking in person and he said he’s ready to settle down with me and sees us as BF/GF in the near future..then a couple of days later, he called me at 2am. I know he went out with friends, but Im just so disgusted about it. I am so into him and we just had such a serious convo, he said he wants to settle down with me. We stopped talking 3 years ago because he didn’t believe in titles, now it seems like he’s reconsidering but it still doesn’t feel serious enough. Im not sleeping with him yet and its been almost 2 months. He also told me he is starting toreally care for me. It just seems so casual still :( Do i stay or go?? I hate that he still has to go out with his friends on a saturday,..August 14, 2016 at 9:00 pm #556763
You go. Words don’t mean a damn thing when they don’t match up with actions.
Words are cheap. Action costs us something. Our time, our effort.
If a man wants to change the dynamic of your relationship, that means he has to DO something. Not just say it. Women attaach meaning to words when the actions say the exact opposite.
You need to tell him you aren’t doing this. That he has done nothing to show you he’s serious and you are done. And you need to mean it and walk away.
If a guy doesn’t want to lose you, he will come back and SHOW it by stepping up .You are making this easy on him. You aren’t giving him any consequences and he isn’t giving you any respect. Take your power back and stand up for yourself. Stop settling for pathetic little crumbs. The chances of him actually stepping up are miniscule. But they are non existent if you allow this pattern to continue.
We teach people how to treat us by what we allow, what we enforce, or what we put a stop to. You have been teaching him he can make no effort, but as long as he tells you some pretty little meaningless words you won’t go anywhere.August 14, 2016 at 9:15 pm #556765
Its so hard. He said the other day our connection is rare. It sucks because I feel such a strong connection with him also and I’m 31. Ive never felt it before. I thought I should stay because he actually mentioned the bf/gf title (even tho I don’t know why he said in the near future). He actually comes over just to hang out with me and we don’t sleep together. I thought if we weren’t doing that I wouldn’t get attached but its too late, Im in love with him, been for quite sometime. Maybe i am just fooling myself. Im afraid I cut people out of my life too quickly sometimes.August 14, 2016 at 10:38 pm #556777
^^^ What Philly said.. Nothing to even add.. so spot on. Read that again and again when you feel weak bc it is truth. Do not waste another minute of your life on him.