This topic contains 168 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Marin 4 years, 11 months ago.
November 4, 2016 at 4:43 pm #575859
All this overthinking and talk,talk,talk! It is simple-when a guy tells you (for whatever his reasons) that he does not want a relationship with you-Take him at his word and move on. Be an all or nothing girl! No “froends” or FWB or wait and see… NO-be done with him and find a guy who wants you and proves it by his attention and respectful actions! End of story.November 4, 2016 at 4:44 pm #575860
Friends-not froends-lol.November 9, 2016 at 11:29 pm #577110
After reading through all the answers here I feel like it is so easy to see what other people need to do, but it is so much harder when you are in that position yourself. That is why I’m hoping for some insights and answers from you guys.
I was seeing a guy, sweet, attractive, caring and just a nice guy. We have both been dealing with depression and anxiety and we’ve been able to help each other through a lot. I have told him multiple times that I’m ready for a committed relationship. The problem is that he says he wants that too, but isn’t ready right now. According to him he needs to deal with his depression on his own before committing to anything. We’ve discussed this back and forth and finally he decided to break up with me because he felt like he wouldn’t be enough from me (even though I told him I didn’t need much, but he felt like he should be giving me more..). The advice I would give myself if I was someone else is to move on, but as you all know, it’s not that easy. What holds me back is the fact that he says he wants to be with me when he is ready, if he ever is. I realize that I can’t wait around forever, but I don’t want to give up on this either, as I think it could be really great. I have never trusted anyone as much as I trust him, and I have never felt this strongly for anyone before. I also doubt I could be just friends with him, but completely cutting him out forever doesn’t feel like an option either.
Thankful for any advice!November 10, 2016 at 11:02 am #577188
Try to see it the other way;
Would you break up with a man you are really into because you have depression and/or dealing with issues? Would you risk loosing that person? Wouldn’t you be afraid that he meet someone he loves more?
Because by breaking up with you, he is showing you that he is not afraid to loose you. That is a BIG red flag.
We all goes through difficult time in our lives, but when we truly are into someone, we make it work, no matter what.
Date other men, keep some distant from him, and see what he DOES, not what he says.November 11, 2016 at 11:13 am #577425
@ peggy– no froends either!! sounds bad, whatever it is :)November 17, 2016 at 9:16 pm #579042
I’ve just started seeing this guy and he wants to see me too, but he doesn’t want to see me?.
This is confusing, he has just come out of a bad relationship and its hurt him very much, and he also says that he is close to someone else also. Yet he spends time when he can with me, yet doesn’t want me as his girlfriend and I’m not aloud to love him fully, or tell him I do, as he doesn’t want to hurt me, and he says he needs to sort things out and his head out.
Yet, he loves being with me.. I just don’t know what to do?.
I really like the guy, and I’m starting to love him more the more we spend time together, we get on so well and he treats me so nicely. Yet, he doesn’t want a relationship at the moment.
It’s all very confusing, can anyone help? thanks.
he loves spending time with me, and we make each other happy and giggle and are just good together.. What do I say to him? should I ask him about ‘us’ so I don’t get hurt in the future, and should I tell him that I love him? and am falling in love with him every time i Spend time with him. thanks.
So confusing, sorry everyone. :)November 17, 2016 at 9:21 pm #579043
Sometimes its hard to stop seeing them, when things are so good.November 18, 2016 at 7:35 am #579077
There is nothing confusing, he says he doesn’t want a relationship with you. If you choose to hang out that’s on you. But the fact you do hang out tells him you are ok spending time with him when you know he isn’t going to turn this into a relationship.
Not complicated at all. Men are very clear. Him hanging out with you doesn’t mean he changed his mind. It just means that he thinks you are ok with a no strings attached situation.November 23, 2016 at 3:09 am #580176
I know this is a few years too late, but anyone who’s reading this for advice: don’t do it.
My best friend for 10 years (starting in high school) was a guy who I always liked, but life and geography always separated us. Ten years went by and we’re finally in the same place at the same time–back in the town we both grew up in. We were hanging out and talking non-stop for at least 5 months when we both got back. He would always make stupid comments like “so when are we getting married?”, and “I never want to get married or have kids, but if I did it would be you”. I’ve told him everything, including the fact that I never wanted to get married or have children, but he was the only person I could see myself doing that with.
It felt like a typical rom-com and this was it. I finally gave into sleeping with him after 10 years. We hung out one more time, and then he completely stopped talking to me. And then two weeks later he got a girlfriend WHO LIVES 1,000 MILES AWAY.
I haven’t seen him since the night we had sex, but to this day he texts me every single weekend and suggests we hang out. I haven’t. I can’t after that. Knowing him for 10 years, I know for a fact he’s not a complicated person and would be with me if he really wanted to.
Moral of the story: if they don’t want to be with you, they don’t want to be with you. No matter what.February 23, 2017 at 5:04 am #605095
I met this guy four months ago and we have been really great friends,hanging out,sharing ideas and planning our future together.He calls last week and tells me he is not ready for a relationship.If he is ready he will come for me if only I’m not dating.What do I do?Can I do something to change his mindFebruary 23, 2017 at 7:05 am #605104
It’s better if you start a new thread, this has been years ago. Anyway, if he says he doesn’t want a relationship, it simply means he doesn’t want a relationship with you. There’s nothing you can do to change his mind. Carry on with your life and look for someone who is actually ready to commit.August 13, 2017 at 7:25 am #647771
I have been dating this guy for three months now, he would text me everyday good morning and talk throughout the day and text me goodnight every night. Went on three dates before we had sex and now we have over five times. Just two days ago out of the blue he ended things because he just wanted to be friends and realized women can’t have sex without feelings. I’m devastated because I thought he had feelings hence him contacting me first thing every morning for like 90 days. Idk if I will hear from him again by after reading this forum I realize he is just a dick. And I’m better off. Just sucks these men put us through this, like why start dating me in the first place? He says he will never want a relationship which we know is a bold faced lie. Idk I haven’t heard from him and I will not contact him but seems like I should ignore him if he does get in contact with me.May 4, 2018 at 2:43 pm #700187
Sweetie, I had the same thing happen to me recently. I gave my heart, soul and everything you can think of. I was lied to and he gave me all the wrong reasons why we should stay friends but he left out the most important part. I found out later he wanted to be with someone else. He was a very smooth talker and had me believing he was just like me. The problem with that is I have a heart of gold and his was tarnished along time ago.
Stay away from this man and find someone who will love you just because you’re you.May 4, 2018 at 7:26 pm #700242
So sad that this happens to women again and again. Why don’t they tell us when we’re growing up, if a man says he doesn’t want a relationship, believe him and move on! Wish I learned this years ago… Well, I know now. Carry on ladies. It’s tough, but we’re tougher! AND way more worth a man who doesn’t see our value. ;)May 22, 2018 at 7:59 am #703680
i have been there and hurt deeply by it.
After 4 years on and off, he always broke it off when i started talking about meeting his friends or family, in all that time it never happened.
I loved and liked him and wanted to share my life with him and we girls know that that feeling doesnt grow on trees which is why we hang on like a beautiful pair of ill fitting shoes.
6 months ago after another cycle of his initiation he broke it off and he told me on leaving that WHEN i came back i wouldnt be under any false expectations
Do you know how i responded to that ? well, I haven’t been back and i wont go back despite loving and missing him like we girls do.
I love him yes yes, but i love me more
Treat these men like they deserve, seems to me they are not only breaking our hearts but know that they are breaking their own hearts in the pursuit of this PERFECT woman or relationship that doesnt exist
KNOW OUR WORTH & WALK and when they see you about town, look your bestMay 29, 2018 at 9:44 am #704922
Unbelievable that this happened to so many people. I’m in the same situation- seeing a guy for several months who got out of a two year relationship. Asked him how he feels and he doesn’t know but still wants to continue with me. Says it’s not just fwb but not calling it a relationship yet because of new projects potentially coming up in another state. Are women supposed to walk away every time the timing isn’t right yet? Especially if they really love the guy? Has waiting ever worked?May 29, 2018 at 9:45 am #704921
Unbelievable that this happened to so many people. I’m in the same situation- seeing a guy for several months who got out of a two year relationship. Asked him how he feels and he doesn’t know but still wants to continue with me. Says it’s not just fwb but not calling it a relationship yet because of new projects potentially coming up in another state. Are women supposed to walk away every time the timing isn’t right yet? Especially if they really love the guy? Has waiting ever worked?May 29, 2018 at 10:44 am #704931
The thing is- it probably most of the time isn’t timing that’s the issue. For the right women men make it work despite projects, work, etc. The truth is that he doesn’t see a future with you, but doesn’t want to hurt you and the ego/sex/attention kickbacks are an incentive to keep you around and give you hope.
If he thought you were the one before projects, trips, etc. he’d want to secure things with you because you make him stronger and feel supported.
So yes- if you are getting anything less than his best, you should leave.May 29, 2018 at 10:54 am #704932
Yup! Same boat here as well. In my case the guy is recently divorced and doing a lot of single parenting (he has more than 50% custody.) I told him I understood and can be flexible and am happy with phone calls and FaceTime when we can’t actually see each other. But then he tells me the “only” reason he doesn’t want a relationship with me right now is because he has a beach house this summer and will be there on the weekends. That’s clearly code for “I want to be single and hook up with random girls all summer.” And that tells me I’m not the one for him. Because when you ARE the one for him they make the time and the phone calls … and they don’t want to hook up with half of the shore for the next twelve weeks. That did it for me. I’m out!May 29, 2018 at 10:55 am #704933
I also feel like once he does whatever he wants to do this summer he will realize what he lost in me and will resurface. I can’t wait to ignore that text.May 29, 2018 at 11:42 am #704944
Annnnnnnnnd speak of the devil. Wow that didn’t take long (and yes I realize I am having a conversation with myself here hahaha!)August 18, 2018 at 10:18 pm #717607
I want to share too…it just happened like two days ago the guy i was seeing for last couple of months told me that he’s ready for a relationship!!! I am glad and happy for myself because I haven’t let him touch me. I am not sure if I loved him but yes I really like him a lot. So, before things could turn any more than I could take I asked him about “Us” and he said he doesn’t feel any kind of thing for me to want him to be in a relationship with me. I actually thanked him for that upfront answer. I am hurt deeply but I know I’ll get over him in months and yes any girl out there…don’t let a guy take an advantage of you because you have feelings for him. Turn away and feel the hurt…the right guy like everyone said will not waste time to lose someone they think they can’t live without. Just hold on and cry your eyes out. When the right man comes I and we know it will be oh so worth it.August 18, 2018 at 10:21 pm #717608
I meant to say “He is not ready for a relationship”August 19, 2018 at 10:07 am #717627
Smart girl, good for you that you asked directly. it is your ego that is hurt and it is normal. But understand that it is on the surface, the real YOU is deeper and that YOU is going to be fine. You are smart, you know how to confront a person, how to take an answer, and you know how to act based on the answer. Most women, ridiculously, would continue to see the guy after he told them he does not want anything serious with them. They’d “take him back” the moment he calls again, even without him asking for it specifically – simply because this would ‘validate” their ego for them. In the end they’d end up being hurt even more later on and waste a lot more time.
So I salute you for being smart and decisive and for having a high self esteem. So one dude doesn’t feel you are a match for him, so what? it doesn’t mean you are not pretty or anything, it means for HIM, with his personal things, you are not a match. Well if you think hard about him, is he such a great catch? I doubt it. What makes him a great catch NOW is his unavailability. We all want what we can’t have. LOL think past this immature mentality and you’d be able to shake him off not in months but in weeks.
And if he didn’t feel it for you then why was he seeing you? A decent guy won’t be doing that. I am sure you understand that, so take this thought further, and your “liking” him will not last long. LOL
Do not take him “back” when he calls again, because 99% of chance that he will call you again. Men do it often, they lure you in, tell you they are not interested, drop you for a few weeks so that you stew with hut and wounded ego, then they “come back” (mind you, this means one call or one text or maybe a few texts, nothing else usually, no commitment, no apologies, nothing serious at all), suggest to “hang out” and then turn you into a booty call or at best a civilized hookup partners. Calling you once a month to get laid or get validation from you. While you’d be waiting and hoping. This is a very typical scenario and a clearly defined “technique” I read on some forum discussions. There are also books written about “relationships” by PUAs. Disgusting stuff, real manipulation with mal intent through and through, and it is used a lot by men these days. Hope your situation is not of that type, but it is better to be prepared.August 20, 2018 at 7:35 am #717710
Thanks Emma…yeah he’s been texting me continuously but I haven’t replied. The temptations are high but what’s the use when I already know the end result.