He doesnt want a relationship but wants to keep seeing me


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This topic contains 168 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Marin 2 years, 9 months ago.

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  • #556788 Reply

    Phillygirl

    It’s so hard…Really? What’s hard is wasting your life on someone who could really give little more than a crap about you, and you wake up sad, unfulfilled, and building up resentment and hatred of self for allowing it.

    I’m sorry, but all this connection talk is pure BS. It takes 2 people to have a real connection. And a real connection takes more than words.

    I am being intentionally blunt here. Not to hurt you, but to expose your weak and faulty thinking for what it is.

    None of us ever get great relationships when we are busy settling for something that isn’t even mediocre. I say this with all compassion. Wake Up! This man is giving you nothing and you are sitting here acting like nothing is hard to give up.

    I don’t discount your feelings. But I say, you have to learn to love yourself first and best if you ever expect anyone to love you that way too.

    This guy is so full of it, it is sad.

    #556792 Reply

    Hannah

    He wanted a relationship “in the near future”? That would have been the time to say “it’s now or never” and to have walked if he didn’t commit. “Near future” is just him trying to temporarily placate you and make you accept what he wants.

    You either want a relationship or you don’t. It’s simple. He doesn’t or he’d be in one with you…now, not at some undefined time in the future.

    I’m not sure why him going out with his friends was a problem though? Even boyfriends and husband’s are allowed nights out with their friends!

    #557147 Reply

    Lana

    Hello guys,

    Im in the same situation. I know this guy for almost 2 years (sight). He is 33 and Im 28.

    We dated 4 months and we broke up because I could see he was not ready (He was just out of a relationship and talked a lot about his ex gf). He told me often he had commitment issues and had problem with getting close emotionally.

    3 months later, he came back to me and we stayed friends as I didn’t want to give him sex right away.

    Then, 3 months of contact and seeing each other, we did have sex and few days later I stopped and told him I had feelings. He told me he had feelings too, but wanted to take things slow so we continued… for 2 months.

    As I could see that he was not moving forward, didn’t plan any quality time with me, and he was still on dating website (WTF), I decided to cut off contact with him, telling him I had feelings and couldn’t continue in this FWB situation. That I was clear to him. I wished him good luck.

    He answered me he was sorry, but couldn’t make it. That he truly care about me.

    3 month later he texted me, wanting to see me and my new place as I bought a new apartment. I refused. 3 months later, he still text me, asking me to see me.

    Why would a guy come back all the time, tell you you are truly a nice, pretty woman and that he cares about you, yada yada… all of that just to have nothing with you ?!

    Why would he want to keep in touch ?
    He is handsome. Why doesn’t he get a woman he is interested in ?
    Does he truly LIKE me but has REAL commitments issues ?
    Shall I be friend again with him ?

    #557150 Reply

    Hannah

    It’s simple. In the past you accepted FWB and so he’s seeing if you’d go there again. If you show a man weak boundaries, he knows you have weak boundaries. So testing them every few months to him makes sense. It doesn’t mean he cares, it means he’s bored and not much else is going on in his life.

    I’m really sorry if that sounds harsh! It’s happened to me so I’m not saying this to be nasty. I’m saying it because that’s what’s happening. I’ve seen it with me, my female and my male friends. He wants fun. You face him fun. He’d like that back. That’s all it is.

    I would suggest you keep not being “his fun”.

    #557151 Reply

    Hannah

    Gave not face!!

    #557155 Reply

    Lana

    Hannah,
    Thank you for your answer.
    Does he mean he will never see me as a potential partner in the futur ?
    I TOLD him now what I want.

    If i keep staying friend without sex, will I be able to see if he is truly serious about me ?

    I won’t waste time.
    I will date other men.

    #557157 Reply

    Lana

    I mean, in the end… does love have to be that complicated?

    Seriously, if you are not into someone, WHY play games? Why make that person believe that something can happen? Why PLAY with their feelings in the name of your boredom?

    Some people are selfish.

    I would never play with someone feelings.
    Are those guys narcissists? They truly lack empathy.

    #557175 Reply

    Phillygirl

    Not every guy who acts selfishly, without empathy, or won’t commit is a narcissist. In fact only a small part of the population are truly full blown narcissists.

    But many people can be self absorbed, callous and selfish.

    It all comes back to our boundaries and why they are so important. Boundaries show what you will tolerate which shows how much you respect yourself. People don’t respect those who don’t respect themselves. It equals signs of weakness and low self worth. People with predatory inclinations (or who lack basic empathy) will take advantage of that.

    Men speak the language of respect. It’s said respect is more important than (or equates to love) in the male mind. My experiences seem to validate that.

    It is our job to protect ourselves and watch and observe a man’s behavior. You do t act like a GF Or have Sec. With them (if you want a relationship) and they are treating you like an option, a hookup or telling you straight out they don’t want a relationship, aren’t over their ex.. Or my favorite they don’t want to hurt you.

    All signs to run away and forget them., if a real and healthy relationship is your end goal.

    A man who is truly interested wants your time and attention. He calls, makes plans (dates), shows interest insists important to you and the must important. He is CONSISTENT with this over time.

    Usually if he seems or acts uninterested, HE IS. Women just ignore all the real signs, fantasize about what if and hurt themselves by ignoring the facts

    #557177 Reply

    Phillygirl

    *you don’t act like a GF and have sex
    **shows interest in the things important to you, and the most important…

    #557182 Reply

    Lana

    Thank you Phillygirl.

    Well as soon as I said I had feelings for him and that I wanted more than a FWB and realized he didn’t move a finger, I did respect myself by cutting him off.

    Im proud of myself.

    Im just heartbroken to have fallen in love with this guy.

    Lesson learned :)

    #557288 Reply

    Hannah

    No love shouldn’t ever feel like a game. If it does, you’re with the wrong person.

    It should be open, honest and at some times raw. But it should never be a game.

    Some people are thoughtless. I think they’ve either never felt love and don’t know how much they can hurt another person, they don’t realise the other person cares for them as much as they do, or they are just horrible!

    Also my philosophy is a relationship doesn’t start until you’ve had sex. Not really. A man can be prince charming up until that point. He can adore you. But ultimately you don’t know if you’re compatible until you’ve been there. Both men and women can convince themselves they feel more than they do. When testosterone is involved too, a man can be driven to pursue you but lose interest when he’s achieved his goal. It probably is heartless and mean, but I think a lot of it is just a man deluding himself and making a mistake, not being self-aware. The same way many women here get caught up in a fantasy.

    #557371 Reply

    erin

    the exact same situation happened (almost identical to the original post) last week. however, we’ve been seeing each other for 3 months and he happened to drop the ball and say “i don’t want anything serious” but would still want to be friends and have me in his life. he said he couldn’t live without me, didn’t want to lose me/not ever see me again, and cried like a baby.

    of course, i was emotional as well. but, i remained no contact for a week to gather my thoughts, and let it sink in. i needed my stuff back and yesterday had to see him again in order to finally get it back. it was overwhelming to see him, but i told him it was the final time. i felt heartbroken, it was painful, sad, upset and disappointed that it had to come to this. like all of you, we had a lot of fun together. no fights, everything was breezy and sex was good. he again, begged to keep me in his life, and he said “be patient with me” because “i need time to figure out if this is what i really want.”

    well, this didn’t bode well with me. i posed the idea of…so, we’ll just date others. and what did it for me was, he said yes we’ll date others but when you find someone – can you please let me know. SAY WHAT? yeah, glad i ran the other way, my mind was made up the previous week, but because i had to deal with him to get my stuff back, it pretty much nailed it in.

    so, i am confident in my decision to not see him again. girls, don’t do it to yourself. it’s hard to cut soemone off, but when you look at the bigger picture it saves you a lot more heartbreak and torture in the future. everytime you choose to “hang as friends” there’s a false sense of hope. and hope is a dangerous thing. it can prevent you from fully giving yourself, or being the best version of yourself when meeting a man who IS ready and willing to commit…what’s important to remember here is…no matter how you slice or dice it — all these ladies and my situation is — NO EXCUSES, the men are not in the right mindset, in the place to want a relationship, let alone a committment. you can’t make someone want to exercise/lose weight if they don’t want it. don’t make excuses for them, and it’ll be easier on you. that’s what i’m trying to tell myself.

    so for these last couple of days/week i’ve been keeping busy and telling myself — never want someone who doesn’t want you. who isn’t in the right mindset to have you. if he already told you, and you jump right back in, you’re just playing with fire. and you can do so, but beware. i finally texted him last night (when he tried to open the lines of communication again, after speaking with me, about some mundane news) i wrote “i think it’s best that we don’t contact one another, it;s just easier for me. all good things come to an end, and i feel like it’s the right thing to do.” that’s it…and just END IT.

    you;re not giving him anything to work with, and the possibility of losing you should be very real. so please, follow through. protect yourself first. i’m going through it with you ladies and it is HARD. it’s not easy. i cried for the first couple of days, and i’m still not over it. it’ll take some time, but time heals hearts. take your mind off of it. trust that you made the right decision and be the girl you were BEFORE you met this guy. what did you do before? who were you before then? what were some hobbies that you never got to tackle? don’t have expectations about what you did. trust you did the right thing, and the rest will fall into place. he may or may not come back. but that’s not for you to dwell on. have confidence that you are better than a half hearted man with one foot out the door. set standards and live by them :) good luck, we’re all in this together

    #557486 Reply

    Lana

    Erin,

    Beautiful words.

    “who were you before you meet this guy?”

    I was probably more confident, more happy & optimist than how I feel now but Im catching up… Im a wiser and stronger person today :)

    Good luck on your journey

    #557552 Reply

    Stella

    we never know what is right and wrong until we sees signs which points u to give up so right now overthinking is not gonna make u feel better because u still loves him and wanna be with him so until u caught him lying or cheating with u .u can’t make decisions because what if u are wrong to doubt him on this so if u are happy with him stay like this until u finds something missing and one day u will know he is ready or not for u .

    #563071 Reply

    Tina

    Hi,

    I was in a serious relationship for 3 years . But this guy in mid 2nd year starting saying his dad is not ready for our marriage . so he got married with dads choice saying he choose because of his dads health condition. I mean dads health did not come up all of a sudden , every old age people have it .
    I was in a no contact for almost two months . He did call me 1oo times in between , but then one day i was too happy and called him in general . I ended up saying to see me , i got weakend :(
    Then unfortunately , we hooked up and now he wants me to be in contact via phone , call or meeeting in a while till his wife comes in the town .
    Also he warned me saying when his wife his here dont call me at night and i cannot come whenever you say .

    Though he says he wants me , cannot stay without me , he wants to know evry bit thing happening in my life , also says he will get his wife in confidence so that we all three can live together . which wife on earth will to agree to this.

    #563080 Reply

    Lauren

    He will never commit, if after 10 months he’s still unsure about making a commitment this guy is not worth your time.

    #563103 Reply

    C

    Tina,

    You should have stayed in no contact!! RUN, RUN, RUN!!! Do not agree to be the side chick of a guy who married another woman. Love yourself more and get a man committed 100% to you!!!

    #564701 Reply

    Lambrini

    Walk away. This sounds almost identical what I went through with my college professor, whom I dated for 25 years. He kept me in the gray zone while he dated other students. At first I thought it was because he was Greek and a musician. I later learned it was all ego, and he only wants what he can’t have. Wouldn’t ya know it, I moved and he writes a song “I knew someday I’d be sorry.”…writing lyrics “Now I’m ready and you don’t want me, so I guess I’ll cry the rest of the tears.” (After I cried for 25 years). I had to move to the other end of the state. Once here, my heart began to mend. He still tries to email me, but if he really loved me, he would not have wasted my child bearing years with keeping me around with innuendos at arms length. I’m now having to learn to date all over again, as I was loyal due to my own conscience. I wish I would have left at 23, 25 or even 30 rather than in my 40s, but seeing him weekly all those years, I thought that marriage was just around the corner and was afraid I’d miss the chance, if I left. I missed out on so much more. Even now, he talks of coming to San Francisco to see me. I can’t get sucked into that. Leave now, while you still can.

    #565150 Reply

    Jean

    Going through the exact same thing, but my guy, is just out of a divorce, it’s comfort, if you stay it just comfort for him until he is ready to leave, I made a decision and told my boyfriend life doesn’t work like that. You are either single or in a relationship, it is really how you believe, and “single” leaves the door open to look while you are in the comfort of a relationship, or to go back to an ex when their ex is ready, I am just learning all of this with my situation if I stay, then all I am doing is giving permission to allow someone to do what they want when they get ready, or saying when she doesn’t wan t you I will be here, well that’s at least my situation with the guy I WAS seeing, I refuse to be the wait around relationship, so I left it like this ” We were in a relationship, we cannot go backwards, so it is either stay in this relationship, or go and be single……

    #565947 Reply

    Mana

    Most people say it wont work but I disagree. I did it.

    He had recently broke up with his ex girlfriend, about 6 months. He was out there dating and what not. One day he met me, we instantly clicked and kissed. I didnt think much of it. He added me to facebook and started talking to me. I wasnt much interested but he was a really cool guy and he made me laugh.

    We started seeing each other and hooing up (no sex), then i found myself falling for him. I was scared. Until one day I asked him where was this going to which he replied “i dont want a relationship right now, i dont want the expectations nor the boyfriend role, its too much for me”. I stopped contacting him for a short while and then we were at it again. Having so much fun together, boundaries obviously. He said the whole “i dont want a girlfriend” thing like 5 times. We dated for 7 months.

    One day I travelled and he offered to pick me up from the airport. He did and I hugged him when I arrived. A few days later I was done, I told him I couldnt do this anymore. He said he was waiting for his ex to leave the country (she was about to leave in a few days) and didnt want things to explode. He asked me then to be his girlfriend.

    So…honestly, hope is not lost. You have to set boundaries and make sure your connexion is nothing less than amazing.

    #571765 Reply

    Ann

    Ive known this guy for 1 1/2 yrs in my apt we hungout as friends for a long time, no move was made on. I started to fall for him and told him, he did not see me for 5 weeks. We kept in touch with texting.here and there. Two weeks ago he invited me over for wine he won a golf tournament. It ended up in kissing etc but not ex. I dated another guy and told hi,. 2 hrs later he wanted to take me out. This night was awesome (hes 49), he admitted he has feelings, talked about weddings as he just attended one, asked me what Im seeking. He wrote a song and named it after me. He said Im very kind. we had sex all night…in the morning he turned cold. It went back to texting. I dumped the other guy and told andre in a voicemail- also that I wanted to meet with him to discuss us- that was on friday- he only teted me a few times and was out of town golfing. He was suppose to meet me sunday night to talk he worked late and again put it off. I had left a voicemail by this point, very upset. He said hed talk today before his work he never clled so I called him. He now says he does not want a relationship, that he wants to be friends with no sex, he wanted to take me for dinner this week. He said I should date the other guy as if he meets the one they cant marry for 5 yrs an have to live seperate. I said no way Idb wait 5 yrs my mum is 86 I want her in my wedding……he changed his mind like 8 times in one night as to what he wants………

    #572081 Reply

    Lauren

    First you need to end the friendship with him he might beg and cry for you to stay but stand by your choice to leave he doesn’t deserve you as a friend he honestly sounds like a jerk to be honest

    #573519 Reply

    Veronica

    Mana, thanks for writing about your situation. You wrote: “Having so much fun together, boundaries obviously”. Can you please elaborate on that? What were the boundaries set between you? Were you guys exclusive, did you agree to see other people?

    Thank you.

    #575852 Reply

    Sue

    Im 50 and met a guy in my building 2 yrs ago. we hungout and friendship developed he never made a move on me. I know he liked another woman but she never wanted a relationship with him she stopped contact 4 months ago. Then he started seeing me more but hes ain a busy schedule with golf and work etc. 6 weeks ago we got involved sexually but he turns cold by the morning to me, he never had a livein girlfriend and hes 49, never married no kids. I am single never married or had kids but I had 3 long relationships. I ended up falling for him in the summer. So he told me he sees potential and we will still go out. Hes never introduced me to his family or friends I find this odd. After the sex we had a blowout as he disappears for days and I wanted to meet with him to discuss us. He was talking weddings when we had sex and wanted to move with his business to where my family lives. After the sex twice he did not contact much- he met a woman 4 days later whose married and unhappy shes after him and they went out for drinks. He said he wont go near her unless shes single. So that night I wanted to meet him I went through hell as I dont have alot of social contacts here. when I wanted to meet him he said he wanted to call me instead, imagine this. Hes down the hall from me!! We usually only see each other every 10 days or so. So we went out another time hiking and to dinner. Later he invited me over and I stayed the night. Then 5 days go by he hardly responds to my text. I had a bad feeling on a sunday night so texted him at 1230 are u back home yet? He did not respond 2 hrs later I called to say Im worried please let me know your okay. He never responded so 11 hrs later, I left for the library and was walking- he came up in his car. I got in. I said I was worried why didnt u contact me? He said he was leavning to come home at 1030 pm and his headlight blew out and he drank one beer too many, so decided to stay at his fathers, and he said they talked most of the night. I know he had alcohol on his breath cause i kissed him so I wonder why he didnt brush his teeth there. To me sounds like he was with a woman…so then we got into a fight 3 days later. I told him i want to meet you tonight he said hes visiting a friends for a bday party. We texted. I talked to him for 10 mins. I was very upset. He said he could talk later or in morning. It was only 800 pm….so later he texted me hes home and tired.(or too tired to talk?)….we talked and he said he doesnt want a relationship he told me before he feels im pressuring him. He said if I want to stop the sex we can stop it and go back to friends. I was holding back my tears. All night I cried and was in shock. By the morning I texted him I hardly slept Im going for a job thing today its pouring rain Im a mess…..he texted i could come to his place use his computer., made me a breakfast and would drop me to library. He was cold when I showed up but got better later. He said your seeing guy friends I said no I am not. Then he said if that woman leaves her husband he and her want to have fun…wow…and shes 58….and in his inner circles….when he dropped me he hugged me. Later from work he texted hi how are u doing, hope things are better for you…..and today I texted him about a pool schedule for him he texted back. We were suppose to go to a concert next week now I have no clue what will happen…..he never touched me for over a year for sex hes a gentleman that way. He never had a long relationship with a woman and never lived with one….his family is turning rich soon too just to mention…..

    #575854 Reply

    Phillygirl

    Sue, this man has no interest in any kind of relationship with you. How badly does someone need to treat you to realize that. He ignores you, turns cold after sex, is obviously seeing other women and sounds like a real aashat.

    You are wasting your time and your dignity on this one.

    You are a sex buddy, when it’s convenient for him. That’s it. That’s the truth. Time to take control of your life. If you want to be happy, this guy is a runaway train to misery.

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