Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › He doesnt want a relationship but wants to keep seeing me
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I am so glad that i found this thread. I hope someone will help me through this situation.
So i met this guy from Tinder. He is 32 and i am 25.
He just moved to my country and work as a teacher. He is really driven and focus on his career.
We started off really well, the chemistry is clearly there. (believe me i was on several dates before) but i never felt so special, like the way he treated me. He always giving me a surprise of the things that i told him, becaus he always remember what i said. He is doing the extra miles just to prove how much i mean to him. We are going on a dates like 3 times a week for a month.
One day, i was come over to his house and we are spending a whole day together. However, that day i was implying something but he didn’t really get it so that i went home feeling upset. He realized it and texted me if everything’s okay. I said everything is fine, but he kept pushing me until i’m being honest and blame him for what he did. And that’s when he get really upset. He texted a long text saying that he is doing everything he can to make me feel special but i never appreciate what he had done. I apologise couple times but he said that he needs a space. I gave him his space and after 2 days he texted me if we can meet up. The next day, we meet up and he is telling me that after our fight he realized that he needs more time to settled his life in my country, because he felt so lonely and don’t even have no one to talk to about this thing. He felt miserable and cannot focus on his job and he is just not ready for this and that he is not ready to commit yet. i said that i understand and we can spend time together as we used to while getting to know each other better. We have only known each other for a month anyway. We both agree and he said that he is not seeing someone else as he is busy with his job.
Fast forward to 2 weeks later, i saw him with a girl at a cinema. I was really upset because he said to me that he is going with his colleague. I texted him saying that i saw him with that girl and he said that “i told you that i don’t want a relationship” like WTF?
He texted me and apologized later on and said that what he said then was true that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me, that girl or anyone. I didn’t respond until a week later he texted me again saying that he knew that one day i will throw him away like he was nothing and basically telling me the reason he keeps seeing other girls and blame me for not understanding him. I told him that we need to talk and we meet the next day. He said he is really sorry that he lied to me and that he doesn’t need to see other people. Then we both agree to be exclusive and everything is fine but only for 2 WEEKS!
He admmited to me that night that he felt isolated and that he felt like i’m keeping him in my pocket and he can’t make “friends” with other girls. At this point, i was already had enough and told him that i like him, but if he cannot appreciate my feelings then let me move on and be with someone who 100% sure that he wants to be with me and is willing to give it a fair shot. So if things are not going right at least i know that i have given my best to someone that i really care. I can only being intimate with one person at a time and that’s how i date. So i told him to be on his on now and figuring out his life here while making friends and get to know people. I said that i hope i’m still there when he’s ready, but i won’t waiting for him forever. He said thank you and he hoped that i understand how much i mean to him and that for now, he will leave me in peace.
It’s been a week but i didn’t get any sign that he misses me and want to make things work. Instead, i saw him following a couple of girls on instagram.
I’m going on a date with couple guys now, but deep down i’m still waiting for him to finally text me and said that he wants me back.
I’m sorry for my bad english.
But thank you for reading my story and letting me share it with you xx
Falls for breadcrumbs
If you don’t want the ring and everything that follows I don’t see what the issue is for you or him.
Something doesn’t add up here.
What are you asking of him, and why is he saying he doesn’t want to hurt you?
If you were asking him to take the relationship to the next level and he said ” no,” “because I don’t want to hurt you.” That sounds like some bullcrap.
You mentioned some relationship that he was just in. Did you ever consider he is not over her? That maybe he is using you until something better comes along? Maybe he thinks he will get back with her. It’s possible he wants you around thinking his ex will get jealous and ask him back.
This is all speculation but something doesn’t sound right. I think you really do want the married life. And if thats the case you need to LEAVE HIM AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE.
If you’re not happy for what ever reason why stick around?
Falls for breadcrumbs
If he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, but wants to keep seeing you it’s pretty obvious you are being used for sex, or he has other women. I say this because I have asked women to date me, they said no to it, but they wanted to keep seeing me. Each time that happened I found out there were indeed more men the were “seeing”.
Hey @falls from breadcrumbs, He actually takes me on an actual dates. Even when i come over his house, we are not always having sex. We will made dinner together and that’s it.
This is pretty common behavior of a man who likes you, but doesn’t like you enough to commit to you. In the early stages of dating men will bail if they feel you are difficult to be with. It sounds like he tried very hard to make you happy. Then you blew up on him that day at his home. You don’t say why you got so upset. What was it you implied that got you so upset?
Anyway, the drama that ensued with you going home, being annoyed and pouty and then him having to pull out of you why you were upset was too much for him. Then you put blame on him. He said very clearly he didn’t feel appreciated for all he does and now you criticized him. It may seem minor to you, but men take this seriously. If they feel you are going to be dramatic and they can’t make you happy, they will walk away.
I think this may have been on a good track, but that little fight tipped things for him. It showed him a side of you he doesn’t like. And it really turned him off.
That’s my guess, anyway. I know his actions now seem confusing because he is doing what most men do which is ttrying to keep you available as an option. He wil date other women and he may come back to you from time to time if he can’t find someone else. Im not sure I would hold my breath that this man will come back and pursue you again for a relationship.
The other possibility is that he was one of those guys who comes on super strong in the beginning and then after a few months realizes you want a relationship and he doesn’t. So he puts the brakes on.
Either way I don’t think this is going any where. It sounds like he enjoys being single at the moment.
Hey Jen, thank you so much for your honest respond. I saw him following some other girls on Instagram and it really effected my self esteem. I’m blaming myself for being not good enough. And yes, as much as it hurts me, i have to accept the fact that he is just don’t like me that much to be in a relationship and he is definitely enjoys being single and making “friends” with plenty of girls
You’re young. One tip for the future. Try to avoid the drama card. Men can’t read minds. So if you get upset about something, pause your emotions and give yourself time to really think about whether this is a make or break issue. It’s called picking your battles.
When you get upset and then play the ‘silent, but I can’t tell you what is wrong game’ it really just makes things worse.
Sometimes, as women, we get annoyed or upset and either lash out or begin acting detached and this never benefits us.
I’ll give you an example, I went out to dinner with my husband a few weeks ago. He said or did something (can’t remember what, that’s how small it was) that bothered me. My initial reaction was to either say something or show attitude. But then I re-checked myself and let it roll. Within 15 minutes we were laughing and all was great. My point is the small thing that happened was no big deal once I had time to process it. Had I reacted immediately, I would have ruined the night over nothing.
I think 80 percent of things we get upset over aren’t worth ruining a great relationship. Pick your battles.
Thanks Jen, your reply means a lot to me. To be honest i’m feeling so broken right now. Something that i thought was real is apparently not as it seems.
I get it.
What was the issue at his home that blew up into such a big issue. Knowing that might reveal more insight,
The first time he invited me to his place, i thought we were going to have sex, but we didn’t. that what made me kind of disappointed and felt like i’m not desired. He explained to me that he was tired at that time and he got so many things happening at work so it’s not in front of his mind but he always wanted it. We had sex eventually after we made up tho.
Great move. He doesn’t want sex disease and figures you have sex with all the men you meet for the first time.
By then, we have been dating for a month. We were going on a dates like 3 times a week when he finally ask me to come over to his house. Thank you but i don’t think you have to be so judgemental :)
Sadly trying to get some validation here so I hope someone will see this.
I met this guy two years ago through mutual friends. We met a month before his deployment, kept in touch during his deployment and I let him know how I felt about him but I found out unexpectedly that he was in a relationship with someone else. How I found out is that his gf actually contacted me and asked me why I was speaking to him. I cut off things with him the next day. He contacts me again and I cave, he says he isn’t speaking to the GF anymore so I continue speaking to him. He gets back from deployment and comes to visit me. At the end of the visit I ask him “where is this going” he says he still needs to get over things with his ex. Like an idiot I still continue to talk to him because he is telling me all the right things. I noticed he was getting distant, I call him out on it and he says he has gone back to his ex. I was devastated, deleted his number, blocked him on social media. He gets back in touch with me a few months later, says he misses having me in his life but I keep saying no. After the third time of him contacting me I cave and say okay. We end up going on a trip together in Spain but while in Spain he is texting multiple women while he is with me. I call him out on it and he said he was doing it because I took a trip with another guy before I came to meet him in Spain. I felt like I did nothing wrong by taking a trip with another guy since he did not want to be exclusive with me. Anyways, he ends up getting a job at the same place I work at and in a strange turn of events we end up on the same work team and he now sits three seats behind me. The first two months of us working together have been fine but he came over to my place last week unannounced to tell me he has something important to tell me. He proceeds to tell me that he met another girl at work who has expressed interest in him and he wanted to see if I am okay with that. He proceeds to tell me that the girl really doesn’t have any of the qualities he would want in a girl he would want to be in a relationship with so he doesn’t see it as something long term. He then proceeds to tell me that the way he views me is that he sees me as someone he would want to marry and he wouldn’t want to take that step and move forward with me unless he was 100% sure on that. I asked him that it would hurt me to see him pursue things with another girl at work so he said he would end it. I also called him out on the texting other girls thing again because he did it when we were on a date a few weeks ago and he said he does it for his entertainment and that those girls don’t really matter to him. That following weekend we were suppose to hang out again and cook dinner, watch football, etc but then I thought wait, these are things I would do with a boyfriend, he told me he was somewhat interested in another girl and he basically wasn’t ready to date me yet so I decided to send a text and end things with him. I told him that I did not like the position I was in with him and I cant really move forward in the state we are in anymore. I told him that we cant see each other outside of work and that he should only contact me at work when its absolutely necessary. There was a bit of back and forth but I told him essentially its him always working things out with someone else but never with me. You mention the marriage word but in the same breath want to explore options with a girl who isn’t even someone you would want to be with long term. He asked that basically no matter what I do am I out of his life forever? I didn’t respond to the message until the next day because I wasn’t sure how to answer it but then I said that for right now, I just cant be in your life since you keep stating that you have “things you need to work on”. IDK what the hell that means but if he expects me to stick around while he wants to explore other options with other girls he has me sadly mistaken.
I know I did the right thing and what was best for me because I know I just could not live like that anymore. But deep down in my heart I want him to realize how stupid he is being grow up and be ready for a girl like me. I am not sure if I left the door open at this point since I was pretty stern in my messaging but I know I should not put my eggs in that basket for him to come crawling back. Anyways just looking for validation if I made the right move.
He’s a dog pu##y hound player. RUN do not walk in the opposite direction.
& your life will be so much better without him now!
So, im in a simliar situation here and I just need your advice.
I’ve been seeking this guy 38 (I’m 29) for the past 10 months.
There have been some bumps in the road. But after 5 months of dating I was quite sure that I wanted to give this a chance. Even though it scared me.
I asked what direction we where heading and what we where and he answered he was scared and wanted to be careful. As his ex had dumped him in a very harsh way. He told me he was potentially seeying me as a girlfriend, but wanted to know me a bit better first.
A few months in he has asked me a couple of times to maybe move in with him. He chose not to take a job in another country to give us a chance and let me meet his family.
We were behaving as if we were in a relationship already and even went on a holiday for two weeks, which were amazing.
But I questioned why hadn’t he asked me to be his girlfriend yet and it made me feel insecure and jealous. Mind you, I’ve been through some rough time the past three years financially, which led me to a burn out and depressions. He has known me when I was 70% the person I was and he liked her and in the past months my health had gone down hill, which took a toll on my developing relationship with him.
I asked him a month ago, what he was waiting for, why he still hadn’t asked me and that it made me feel as if he didn’t chose me. He told me he was missing something and feeling doubtful. But couldn’t tell why. If it was his insecurity or he was just being a coward. We ended with a fight and the next day he realized he didn’t want to lose me and asked me to be his girlfriend.
Now a month later, we had a fight. And he keeps on saying he is missing my bubbly self. And there’s still something he is waiting for it to be right. So, I know I haven’t been the most fun as of lately, but good times are just around the corner as my financial situation has finally resolved after a very long time. I will be able to step in and make more effort and being more active again. I feel that if we end it now, we never really had a real chance. I love him and he loves me. But I also don’t want to be a maybe/ potential.
He says there is something that is holding him back in wanting to take the next step. What do I do? We decided to not see each other for at least a month. But he just texted me pictures of us and that he misses us.
Hei Iris, sorry you are going through this!
I only know that if the man loves you and wants to be with you, he would avoid at all costs to say anything even close to that he’s doubtful about your relationship, unsure, missing somethign etc etc.
Before it gets serious, before you get pregnant, move in or otherwise stuck, ask yourself is it really making you happy to be with him, are u ok to settle with the unsure man?
By All Means;
Serve him his cake & feed him to it too…
Same thing happened to me. What helps is:
1. Compare the situation as it is to your own ideal of a partner and a relationship and your ideas of how you imagined it would be with this person, in the beginning.
2. When your love interest is in doubt, not committing, etc. that means you two just don’t match. If you truly did, it would be effortless and easy, not such a struggle. Only you just can’t realize this because you’re looking through rose colored glasses and you aren’t seeing things objectively
3. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Always put yourself first. He clearly doesn’t live up to your OWN ideal of a partner. Turn your back and ignore him. Yes it’s a bitter pill at first but you will do yourself a huge favour. He won’t change