This topic contains 168 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Marin 5 months ago.
October 23, 2014 at 2:27 pm #370336
So last night after he made me dinner when i came to his we somehow got into this conversation about “us” after 10 months he said he doesn’t want a relationship he wasn’t ready to “settle down”. But he cares about me alot and wants me to still be in his life.
Me and him have never been friends from the moment we met we started dating. I’ve posted on here previously.
I said to him becoming just friends wasn’t what i was capable of. I’ve been down that road he will gradually fade from my life or we will hang out hook up on and off again and it will end in heartbreak.
I went to leave and he stopped me. He told me he was scared because he knew i wanted more and one day he would hurt me because he couldn’t give me that and i would hate him and we would never see each other again.
when he stopped me i just burst into tears. it was back and forth him telling me he was afraid of hurting me for wanting more. Me telling him i was happy with how things where with us i didnt want more and if i did i’d walk away.
The bit that got me is that he was crying. i’ve never seen him emotional let alone cry in 10 months. he kept holding my hand or trying to comfort me inbetween. i told him if he just didnt want me okay, if there was anyone else okay lets just end it but he told me it was none of that.
my heart was breaking he told me he wanted me but couldnt be with me out of fear he would hurt me.
this went on for 2 hours as anytime i went to leave he stopped me. i told him if i stayed my mind wasn’t going to change i know that i want to be with him so why stop me ?
at one point we cried together and he held me.. i said i’d better collect all my things so i have nothing to come back for he told me “no you’ll be back next week… i’ll text you tomorrow, the next day and the day after”
at first i was confused and then he kissed me telling me he doesnt want us to change and later said he was happy because he didnt think when the conversation started that we could still continue being “us”
We both made it clear we are just dating each other. I dont care for a relationship title i just want to be with him. we sat cuddled and kissed for a good hour before he took me home. i asked him was he certain he wanted to continue with us he said he was.
my head is a mess and i’ve been crying on and off all day and i can’t understand why.
a bit on him he broke up with his ex 6 months before we met they had been together 4 and a half years. She moved to another country i think they continued to try to make it work and it ended badly.
i don’t know if i should walk away or not.October 23, 2014 at 2:30 pm #370338
I’d walk away.October 23, 2014 at 2:57 pm #370346
What do you want? What stage of life are you at? Do you want a guy who will marry you and have kids?? Because this is not that guy. And you are wasting your time with him.
I recently met a woman who was totally broken-hearted. She was living with this guy for 7 years and they even had a kid together. Right in the beginning he told her that he did not believe in marriage and that them being “common law” was all he could give her. She agreed and was ok with this. More than a year ago he dumped her because he started seeing another woman and within 6 months they were married. And this girl was like I wanted the ring, marriage and the whole nine yards from him but I accepted that that was not what he could give me and now he goes and gives it to someone else … what happened to his “I don’t believe in marriage crap”.
What I am trying to say is do not put his wants ahead of yours. If requiring a title, marriage, children is important for you then don’t settle for the crumbs that he is providing you. He can tell you that he loves and cares for you till the moon and back but the fact that he cannot provide you with what you are looking for which is a relationship is a HUGE TELL. Also the fact that he feels that he will hurt you if he gets into a relationship with you is a HUGE RED FLAG. By telling you this I feel he is setting himself with a safety net so that tomorrow after you tell him that you want this and that from this “friendship” or that you are not satisfied, he can tell you that he had warned you that he would hurt you and here he has. This way in his eyes he has absolved himself of this guilt. And by you continuing to stay with him meant you agreed with that assessment of his.
I would suggest you walk away and if he contacts you tell him that if he truly cared for you he would leave you alone and not contact you again as you need this no contact to move on from a guy who cannot give you a relationship which is what you are looking for …October 23, 2014 at 4:19 pm #370370
This man does not love you fully. Everyone should feel that kind of love in their life. You’ll never have it from him. AND THEN, love is just PART of the puzzle. So many things need to fall into place, and be strived and worked for, in order for a healthy relationship to work. You do not have the basic, most important building block.
You need to stick to your guns and move on. Hugs.October 23, 2014 at 6:15 pm #370390
Unfortunately, if you stay, it means you agree to the terms that he WILL end up hurting you at some point.
He is making this point loud and clear.. so you staying on, means to him that you are ok with these terms.
Him saying he wants to keep you in his life is selfish. Because to Sherri’s point above, men like this will keep you around until he meets ‘the one’ that he DOES want to commit to and marry.
Don’t compromise what you truly want just to be able to stay in his life. Men do not develop love for you. They actually fall very quickily and know quickly if you are the one they want to commit to. So if you believe by hanging in there, he may change his mind, it isn’t likely to happen.
I know it’s confusing because it feels like mixed messages. But its really not. He is saying he will hurt you which is fair warning. In doing so it alleviates his guilt, because if you stick around, he can feel good that at least you were forwarned.October 23, 2014 at 6:40 pm #370395
LAgirl, I don’t want to get this thread off topic, but I am understanding your point about how men fall in love….I’m FINALLY understanding. lol. I don’t know if I am a typical woman, but for me it’s a slow process. (The ones that I get infatuated with because of looks don’t count. haa.)
Anyway, because I am the way I am, when men fall head over heels for me quickly, it scares me to pieces. It always seems so artificial, how can they be in love with me, when they don’t even know me? But, I am seeing its simply the way it works. It’s difficult for me, because there is a mismatch in timing. I hang in there way too long with someone that is ambivalent, because that is my speed. It’s an awful Catch-22.
Anyway, to get back on topic: I have come to understand that if a man is not into you fairly soon, say within the first couple of months, its just not going to happen. SO, Somegirlsadvice, this one just isn’t going to happen.October 23, 2014 at 8:08 pm #370409
To the OP – I know how this feels. I went through a similar situation a few months ago.
I think the responders are correct. But I KNOW how HARD it is to let go. I haven’t yet – and let me tell you it has gone slowly but steadily downhill (over a 3 month period). I am basically at the point where we are going to have to talk again, and I don’t know if we will survive it. I will NOT be a Friend With Benefits – and I feel that this is where our relationship would bottom out if I can’t change the dynamic, and soon. I have to try. I figure if I TRY – I will at least have the chance of making it work. (By try I have to tell him I’m not happy with where the relationship is and where it’s headed). I know if I don’t try – I’ll wind up in the FWB heap; drifting away until someone else grabs his attention. Ultimately it is better to put it to and end, I think – than to stay hooked on that string.
If you let things go along as I have – I think you will see the steady decline like I did. Then you’ll be faced with the confrontation again.
And LAGirl/Ann – I was very surprised at the quickness too. Said boyfriend kept telling me he loved me after we had only been dating like 6-8 weeks. I was like “How? You don’t even hardly KNOW me”. He was over the moon – and it scared me to death too. It took me another 3 months to “catch up.”October 24, 2014 at 4:19 pm #370573
i appreciate what yous are saying
to clarify i’m not looking for a wedding ring, children and all that shabang
we are both young. I honestly just enjoy being round him and care for him alot. I feel like the last few weeks have been intense and we’ve both panicked a bit but besides that the last 10 months have been amazing.
i’ve been having inner turmoil deciding wether to walk away. My heart feels like it’s aching and that should be my answer.
i told him a “friendship” was not on the cards for me.
I’ve been there and it doesnt work.
He said he’s certain he wants us to continue seeing each other but i feel like my heart is telling me what yous all are.
i wish it wasn’t so painful trying to make a decision because i know the moment if i decide to end this i won’t look back.October 24, 2014 at 6:42 pm #370594
Step 1: Take a week of no contact with him and DECIDE what YOU want. You are talking out of both sides of your mouth. Do you or do you not want a relationship that has a future of some kind??
Step 2: Tell him what you have decided and either carry on as is or walk and cut contact until you well over the whole thing (this will take a while).
Girls… we need to stop letting the guys play us like puppets. A relationship is a two way street.
Always watch his actions. The words are meaningless unless the actions match. Always.October 24, 2014 at 9:25 pm #370608
I am so glad to be reading this. I just got out of a similar situation. I was seeing this guy who said up front he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship, but I chose to see him because at the time I had just got out of a bad relationship and wasn’t looking to jump back in. This was 4 years ago. We have been seeing each other off and on since then. I just recently found out he now has a girlfriend who he committed to within the first few months, they took a trip to mexico last month. We have the same circle of friends, so to my surprise he shows up to a party recently with her, and she is the cousin to one of my friends. I have been hurt ever since. We talked and he was cold and like someone stated because he told me up front he wasn’t ready for that his conscious is clear, it’s my fault for developing feelings when it isn’t that he wasn’t ready for that, he just didn’t want it with me. It just hurts like hell to admit it to myself but thats what it is. During the 4 years it was a couple times he tried settling down with other females, it didn’t work, few months he would be back because he knew stupid me would be right there and I was. This is the worst heartbreak ever. He told me he wants us to remain friends but I really don’t see the point. He just didn’t see or want a future with me. I would of rather him been up front and tell me that than to do it this way. I will never agree to anything like this again. For a man to say he is not ready, then becomes ready and doesn’t talk to you about it and settles down with someone else is very hurtful, but because he stated that he feels its ok he has no fault in anything. It’s not right but it is what it isOctober 24, 2014 at 10:40 pm #370612
Thanks for sharing your story.
I didn’t understand why you were on and off. Were you the one who couldn’t deal with his “not ready for a relationship” and breaking it off or was it he who would just pull away?October 27, 2014 at 10:04 am #370957
I was in a whirlwind relationship for five months. Off the wall, I know, but it felt right. He started to move in and we lived together happily (or so I thought) for nearly a month. One day he decided an email was an appropriate way of letting me know he felt we were moving too fast. I was completely devastated but understood where he was coming from. It was moving too fast and instead of speaking up, I just went with it. Now, although he said he wasn’t breaking up with me, it is exactly where our relationship was headed – to Splitsville. After actions not lining up with words and finally feeling like an idiot. I cut the string. Haven’t spoken to him in nearly a week. He hasn’t reached out and I refuse to. Stay strong…We all deserve someone who wants the same things. I’m struggling daily but I will make it…You can to!!October 27, 2014 at 10:36 am #370961
SomeGirls – walk away.
Leave him to it.
If he wants to make this work he will step up and realise he’s being an idiot.
If he really means that he doesn’t want a relationship then you’ll find that out too because he will drift away.
There’s no two ways about it. He’s told you. Always take men at face value. If he says he’s not ready to settle down then he’s not ready. Go and find someone who wants a relationship with you.October 28, 2014 at 7:06 pm #371324
Well he wants to come over and talk
Even though i feel he has already said what he needs to say.
He told me he just can’t do it. He wants us to be friends, he’s not comfortable with intimacy after 10months or anything like a relationship.
I’m so angry because he told me he loved me, treated me like a gf. i never asked or ever presumed we where more.
i don’t understand why he is coming over.
But tbh as much as i love him and i really do i can’t put myself through more tears, its hard to imagine him not in my life but i have to walk away because the pain has been unreal the last few days.October 28, 2014 at 11:48 pm #371366
Why bother seeing him then.more torture for you and just to salve his conscience. I’d cut the contact now. No meeting needed.October 29, 2014 at 3:50 am #371381
All of a sudden turning into just friends after 10 months of dating just isn’t possible. Anyone over 18 ought to know that.
Harley is right and I suspect you know that. No point in seeing him again and torturing yourself. He’s made his position clear and you know where you stand.
There’s no need to be angry. He said those things and sounds like he meant them at the time. Things change. It wasn’t a promise to be with you the rest of your life. He is being honest rather than stringing you along.
Most of the times guys mean well but they aren’t seeing the situation clearly when they act like this. The “I don’t want to lose you” thing just doesn’t wash.October 29, 2014 at 3:53 am #371382
And KDub, you did the right thing. I stay away from whirlwind romances, it always winds up in tears because it isn’t real. It can’t be.October 29, 2014 at 9:54 am #371425
SomeGirlsAdvice – I think he is being really selfish. But then again he is putting himself first. Maybe its time you put yourself first. Tell him that there is really nothing to talk about and you would appreciate it if he did not contact you anymore. That you are looking for a committed relationship and since he cannot give that to you, there is no point of meeting or keeping in touch. That you need to think about yourself and you cannot do just friendship with him. If friendship with him can be possible in the future you will see but for that you need to get over him and for that you need space and no contact from him.
If he comes back with anything else besides that he respects where you are coming from and is going to give you space and no contact, I would block him and give yourself the space. If he comes to your door, DO NOT LET HIM IN as he will suck you back and the cycle will start all over again.October 30, 2014 at 5:07 pm #371723
I went through the exact same thing an I have to say walk away cause it only going to bring you heartache in the long run an everyday your with him I ended up walking away an then one day out if the blue I get this msg from the man I walked away from an he told me he misses me he loves me an it kept on for weeks an I broke down an went an seen him an from that day on for two weeks he text me an kept telling me he loves me an wants me an my kids to come live with him an then asked me to marry him an I was very skeptical at first I’m Lile why now why you want it now that I gave up an walked away but even though I gave up an walked away don’t mean I stopped loving him but I gave in an went an seen him about a week ago now I am married an we now have a family an live together but as hard as it may be walk away it’s going to be better for you than to know you want more than he can give youNovember 5, 2014 at 4:34 am #372696
Im going through somthing similar. My boyfriend recently told me he still isnt over his ex. He said he thinks we might have rushed into things and never got to know each other. So he now wants to be friends and when i said its over, he told me he didn want to end everything. So i asked him if he wanted to take a break and remain friends ? He said yes. And asked me if we could still talk. I asked him if he was seeing his ex again he said no im not back with anyone , im with you only. Now i am bothered. I dont know what all this is. I dont know what to do. We are classmates and we have major exams in a week. Do you think hes doing thus so he can concentrate on his studies ? I WANT him back as i really like him. Please help me as i cant figure out what he wants and how i should proceed :(November 5, 2014 at 5:21 am #372698
Sara: it isn’t about what he wants. It’s about what YOU want!!
He’s told you he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you at this time. Believe me, you DO NOT want someone who’s hung up on someone else! This is a gift; it is honest and it means you can choose to move forward. Go NC, except for casual hello how are you if you see him in class.
The ladies on this site seem to be afraid to let go and walk away because they think if they aren’t right there, he will forget them and go. He very well might. And if that’s what happens, it would have happened eventually.
You have a choice between him and your self-respect. Like yourself enough to always choose your self-respect over a man!November 5, 2014 at 5:42 am #372702
If he’s told you he’ll end up hurting you, believe him.
I chose to ignore those words once. A year later I had my heart broken. And he threw that line back in my face. ‘I told you months ago I’d end up hurting you but you chose to stay!’November 5, 2014 at 7:03 am #372714
Hugs buttercup. glad you are moving forward and thinking slightly about D. I’ll be right beside you in a few weeks. mind you…re Franks dad and bank robbery. .I quite fancied becoming a Moll or….Bonnie and Clyde.
Sara. ..ditch this guy.November 5, 2014 at 7:20 am #372720
He texted me today and tried to have a casual conversation as friends. He told me he missed me and he didnt want to text but did anyway. Then he asked me “what if after sometime i want to get back with you and you like someone else ” I dont know what to do …….. I really like him :( is there any chance he’ll come around ??November 5, 2014 at 7:29 am #372723
Sara – tough love on this one. Go no contact for 30 days and then he’ll REALLY know what it’s like to miss you. Then if he is still there you’ll know he’s for real, not just wanting a cuddle while he thinks of his ex.
And who knows, after 30 days you might have forgotten all about him anyway.
Time is a great tool in these situations, it tells you the truth!!