Gray area between low interest and REALLY busy/stressed?

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This topic contains 249 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Jade 6 years, 1 month ago.

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  • #365897 Reply


    I actually have received a lot of messages like that from guys who try want to get into a casual thing with me. I do not do anything if not on my terms or things that I am not willing to compromise on. I do not really let those messages bother me but see it for what they are …. guys whose ego has not been stroked or don’t think they can play you anymore. For me the fact is … is this guy worth my energy? If he is not, it doesn’t matter what they think about me – THEIR OPINION DOES NOT MATTER.

    Some of the things I have had to deal with:

    Some guys have called me “narrow-minded” – Seriously, because they told me that they would want to make out with me on the 1st date without even meeting me and I said I am not into that …. don’t need such guys

    Some guys have called me “too much drama” – Why? Because I told them I am not looking for a pen pal and since they are never avbl to meet I mentioned all the best in their search?

    Some guys have called me “not perfect” – Why? Because when they messaged me and based on their msg, I told them that I was not looking for casual??

    Some guys have called me “not spontaneous” – Of course I cannot be spontaneous as I have two little kids and have to make arrangements for them if I need to meet. Cannot and will not drop everything to run to meet you.

    Some guys have called me “not romantic” – Why? Because I refuse to believe the Hollywood version of love and do not believe that “love conquers all”??

    Note – in all the above situations, I just deleted their message and did not reply back. Their message was not worth the energy I had to spend replying. It doesn’t matter to me what a person thinks if that person is of no value in my life. I do not need to convince anyone of who and what I am.

    But at the same time, I have made some good friends who are willing to stay within the boundaries I have set. I also had and FWB who treated me really well and was quite patient with me.

    I would say this guy is really immature and you are way better off without him. Also when he comes for an ego boost in a couple of months, tell him that you do not waste your time with immature overgrown boys and people who do not respect you. And you love that you are “weird” it makes you unique and you prefer being that way.

    #365903 Reply


    I’m sorry, Vicki. Well, at least now you know. You have the right attitude towards it though, so good for you on that. But jeez. :(

    I don’t have high hopes of my situation turning out much better, but I have been shifted into low gear on my end for a while now, so that if it DOES end, I am going to be just fine. I am still open to meeting other guys during this time though, although taking the actual step is something I’m hesitant on, based on the fact that we are supposed to be exclusive, and I am a woman of my word. I can’t control if he has not lived up to it, but I have to be true to myself. However, I don’t have any reason to believe otherwise, so I’m just going to keep on with the idea that he too is a man of his word.

    Having said that, I feel freer mentally knowing that if either one of us decided to end it, I can move on just fine. Men are interested in me, or seem to be, lol, so whatever. :)

    Having said THAT – IF i found out that he had been with some other woman while I’ve been true to MY word, I am going be pissed. But at that point, we’d be done anyway, so oh well. I have learned SO much from this website and forum, plus reading I’ve done on my own….one of these days I WILL get it right with the right guy, and while I don’t expect perfection, I know that my relationship will be far better and healthier than any one I’ve previously had. I know my boundaries, and what to do if someone attempts to cross them.

    I don’t contribute on here much, but I read everything, and I “love” you ladies. lol Such a great community.

    #365906 Reply


    I do miss Gibson though…..and I was happy to see Bedazzle pop back up. :)

    #365927 Reply


    Gibson is fine. keeping well, dancing her little toes off.

    We all heal with time Pheebs !

    #365941 Reply


    I met a man a year ago and I liked him and he professed to like me but I’ve been burned before so I was on guard and watched out for the signs. I’m in the middle of graduating so I’m really not trying to focus on a man but we have needs so at least I got that out of it. Anyway as he professed his desire to be with me and made effort, there were still things that were off. So I snooped and boom!!! I didn’t read all what I seen but I seen enough. I let him keep going for a couple months and treated him like a king then one day I backed off and told him I didn’t see this going anywhere and my needs weren’t being met, because they weren’t exactly well because he was seeing other people claiming he was working and sometimes picking fights with me all while I was in school and that we should see other people. He did not like that so he stepped up a notch and treated me like a queen and a couple months later popped the move in together question. Well, I figured I had nothing to loose but gain extra help with the rent so I went for it. Well he started being a DB and so I got curious again and the dumb shit didn’t throw his history away and I found out lies he told me. I kicked him to the curb and now he’s been hoteling it for a few weeks saying he’s very sad. Hasn’t seen his kids(not mine) because of this. So they do reap what thye sew.

    #366013 Reply


    What are your thoughts when you change the scenario a bit and the guy is grieving the anniversary of the death of this mother and is distant b/c he needs time and space to deal w/it?

    #366017 Reply


    Amber.. you give him time and space… an acceoptable amoutn anyway.

    How long ago did this death happen ? How long are you dating him ? Are you exclusive ?

    Did he SAY he needed space/could not do a relationship ??

    More details needed please.

    #366031 Reply


    We’ve only been dating exclusively for about 2 months and he said he loved me too, but had known each other for awhile.

    It was just the one year anniversary of her death two weeks and he went to an (unexpected) memorial service. When he came back he said the experience was much worse than he expected.

    He did say he needed time/space and I gave it to him and he pretty much went MIA, but would respond to the occasional text. I did ask him (a few times) if a new relationship was too much to handle and he did not want to end the relationship, but says he doesn’t know how long he’s going to be in this bad place. He explains that he doesn’t know what each day is going to be like and the bad days he doesn’t want to do anything or see anyone and also only responds to the occasional “are you ok” text from his best friend, who he normally talks to all the time. I’m trying not to take it personal as I’ve never lost a parent. And I’m not expecting him to pour out his feelings to me, but I just need a little hope that we’re going to eventually be ok or is it that he’s too broken to date and just won’t end it for some reason. I hear all the time from guys and girls how no matter what the situation you always make time for your significant other, even if its just to keep them in the loop so they don’t become to distant.

    #366036 Reply


    Amber let me give a little insight

    The guy I am dating is a widow he lost his wife 4 years ago in a tragic accident that almost claimed him too, they were newly married. This was very hard for him. When we first got together of course he explained all of this to me and we were only together 4 months when the anniversary of her death came, I just gave him the time he needed, I didn’t reach out to him until he did to me. In the end he told me that knowing I was there helped him get through it so much better than the years past.

    Losing someone honey no matter who they are is hard, give him his time no matter how long he needs don’t bug him and don’t say things like if are relationship is too hard right now for you then…. because that is just going to stress him out. I know you mean it as a way to help but it isn’t. Just let him have his time to deal with it once he does he will be back. This kind of a thing is different then work stress, school stress. This is grief and that is a totally different ball park.

    #366046 Reply


    Mel, thanks so much for your insight! I knew what I was saying could come across as selfish, but I just felt myself going to this unhealthy place of insecurity and doubt when I wouldn’t hear from him for days or he didn’t respond to an “are you ok” from me. I just needed a little hope to hold on to.

    I understand that there’s no timeframe for grief, but how much time had passed from when you gave him space and he contacted you? Were you having any physical interaction during the time or just text/phone? Was there ever a point where you thought the relationship wasn’t salvageable?

    #366049 Reply


    p.s. and how did you know he was “back”? Were things 100% back to normal?

    #366058 Reply


    :-) I never had any doubt in my mind about our relationship. My guy never shut me out he still texted me but only one text a day. It was about a week before I saw him but it took a little bit for him to come completely around. He more dealt with the guilt this time because he almost forgot the anniversary and actually didn’t feel sad about it this year, so he had more guilt than grief.

    Honey just be strong, this is still new for him and the memorial service reopened wounds it could be up to a month it all just depends on him.

    It is okay to send a text a day or everyother day something simple “thinking of you :-) ” kind of thing just don’t expect a response back. don’t lay your insecurities on him come here to vent come here to let that stuff out of your head don’t let him see it.

    #366115 Reply


    Well, the good news is that he did text to say he was having a bad day. Bad news is he canceled plans to hang out. Granted I feel a lot better after our talk, but feel like I won’t feel completely confident until he initiates a positive text or hanging out. Baby steps, right?

    #366134 Reply


    baby steps.. and PATIENCE/security/confidence.

    He’s.. not in a good place right now… don’t make it worse. Be.. an oasis of calm for him.

    keep yourself busy.. do NOT contact him.. let him come to you when he is ready. The more YOU stay away.. the MORE he will appreciate the space and miss YOU !

    #366177 Reply


    I’m doing the patience b/c I know if I don’t, its over. But the security/confidence I am really really struggling. Maybe its b/c he was just so amazingly sweet, affectionate, forward about his feelings before. But now the little I talk to him its completely dry and to the point. Other that his words saying he doesn’t want to end the relationship and will try, I feel like I’m not getting anything to give me hope that eventually we’re going to be ok…

    (No I didn’t say any of this to him, I’m venting)

    #366248 Reply


    Security/confidence is a mind set.. You have to believe and TRUST it will work. It’s hard I know, as we all have “off” days. Just remember the good times and work on your confidence in yourself. Believe ” you are sooo awesome, of course he will want you back ”

    KEEP busy and distract your mind. it’s the constant thinking and over – analysing that does one’s head in.

    You truly have to be happy enough in yourself that even though you would miss him dreadfully/the heartache would be intense,if you lost him.. YOU WOULD walk away if he is not fulfilling your needs.

    But.. he DOES deserve a bit of time to work things out in his own head space.

    I walked away from the love of my life because he was stringing me along. Recently, I fell hugely for another guy.. I am also walking away from him because he is not interested enough in me. I miss him hugely but I have enough pride and self-respect.. TO WANT MORE !

    Settle yourself and give this guy a chance. but.. walk.. if he does not give you enough when he comes back.

    #366502 Reply


    Just when I think things are starting to get better…I just don’t know how much more I can take. I’m trying to be strong but w/every message that seems to have no emotion on the other end, every declined opportunity to reconnect my heart is breaking a little more and I just don’t know how much more I have left in me. I will say not one day has gone by that I haven’t at least received a text from him…most of the time he’s responding to me but before he wasn’t responding at all. Last week weds we actually met up in person and I reiterated that while I have no idea how hard dealing w/the grief is for him, I am asking that he at least start taking baby steps to letting me back in and he said he would try. He ended up going to visit his father, who apparently is not doing well, this weekend. I tried to see if we could see each other before he left and he declined but brought up hanging out today. He did text and say he is back, but didn’t really say anything about hanging out so I’m just following his lead. I just feel so lost right now. Its one thing that he is declining opportunities to be with me, but when I do talk to him its just straight and to the point, nothing sweet, nothing indicating that he misses me, no cute names…NOTHING.

    #366538 Reply


    Honey….you are asking for TOO mu h right now. He’s not fit to give you what you want. You need to be HIS support system right now. ..not the other way round. I understand HOW you feel but acting needy and pushing to see him is not going to win you any favours right now.’s just going to seem like more stress to him and push him away further.

    You have 2 choices. …go out and get a life without him and wait till he’s ready or. …end it with him.

    #366539 Reply


    Unless you are ready to lose him….go with the first choice. Do not sit around waiting. ..fill your life up with hobbies and friends. Make new friends.when you are not around….He shall miss you and reach out.

    #366554 Reply


    I absolutely do not want to lose him, but I feel like I already have. You’re saying it is normal in grief to literally show not affection to your significant other whatsoever? That’s what killing me the most. I don’t understand how at some point he doesn’t miss me?

    #366561 Reply


    I am sure he does miss you. But guys can only focus on one thing at a time. Grief is his priority right now. ..not you. You either accept that or not.

    #366567 Reply


    And that’s where I struggle…I understand not being a priority right not, but it doesn’t even seem like I’m an option? If feels as if we’re in a serious fight or have broken up. If this is how he deals w/grief I can/will accept it. For the most part I’ve been trying to stay busy w/work and friends…but then I hear from him and it doesn’t seem like he’s really making any progress and then my thoughts take over and I get into this bad place of doubt. But I people have commented on giving him a “reasonable” amount of space/time, but then say “there’s no time limit”. What do I do w/that???

    #366570 Reply


    You take control and decide a time limit for yourself .I.e 1 month etc….then you tell him calm ly he is not giving you what you need out of this relationship and you walk away….He either steps up or steps out…and YOU stick to your decision…no going back.

    #366575 Reply



    Yes it is correct for someone who is going through grief to not show affection to anyone even their SO, that is because they are turned inward and they cant. I’m sorry if this hurts you but what he is going through is not about you it is about him.

    There is no time limit that is correct, so either you will wait it out or you wont. If you cant handle it then you need to walk away. This is not only something that he is going through but it is kind of a test for you also. Do you care enough to stay if it takes him 6 months to get though this episode, and I say episode because there will be more, the grief process is a LONG process it doesn’t go away in a day or a week or even a month. Like I said my guy lost his wife 4 years ago and he is still grieving, your guy he lost his mother a year ago if I remember correctly, he is going to be this way for awhile.
    I don’t mean to be harsh, but you are wining a lot so either suck it up and be there or walk away.

    #366581 Reply


    Harley and Mel,

    Thank you so much for your advice and honesty…and the harshness! I need to hear it. I truly don’t know what he’s going through and hearing that its not out of the ordinary really really helps. And I appreciate your listening to my whinning/venting. I just didn’t realize that he would shut me out for this long or at least start taking some steps forward towards healing…I know that’s, my clock not his.

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