Gray area between low interest and REALLY busy/stressed?

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  • #370664 Reply

    Yup, get those voodoo dolls all set and ready to go! lol

    Don’t need the one fashioned in the likeness of my guy yet…..YET. ;)

    #370667 Reply

    Hey…Great to hear that. Pof guy is texting me but I can tell straight away it’s a text relationship so that’s him blown out of the water already !voodoo dolls are ready to go.

    #370824 Reply

    You’re awesome, Harley! ;)

    #370826 Reply

    If one cannot live in a state of “ignorance is bliss”, the next best thing is resorting to fantasy.

    Fantasy… reality… it’s really all a matter of perception of the beholder, and nothing more.

    #370827 Reply

    Thank you Ana. I’m realistic to know fantasy is nice for a while, it’s nice to hope and wish and want and dream otherwise how would we keep getting through life. And sometimes some of our wishes, hopes, dreams come true, other times we face reality eventually and onto a set of new hopes, wants, dreams fantasies. it’s all about knowing what fantasy will stay a fantasy and what fantasy stands a chance of coming true.

    #370830 Reply

    Exactly. ;) With that kind of mindset you can never really go wrong, huh? :)

    Besides, it’s exactly our fantasies–our hopes, dream and wishes–that keep us moving forward in life. They are our driving force, our North to move towards the future while we live the present, regardless if they will come true or not before making room for new ones. :)

    #372199 Reply

    Hello. I have been following this post as it seems I was going thru something similar to phoebe. I am not sure what to do at this point. I was also curious if phoebe’s guy was still stepping up. Ok so I will make this quick. I was shopping in April and the manager was helping me then gave me his number we started talking a month later we started dating and he was fun and nice so I started to like him. Here is the but column he is separated and he is raising his two children with help from his mother. He is also a different nationality and religion then I and his mother is not happy about that. I am a professional with no children. So first 2 months were absolutely amazing his job I was 10 mins from my house we went out a few times a week, flowers eat-then he quit his job. He has since found another but ran thru all of his savings and was pretty depressed. He also lives and now works about an hour from me. At first he was great about still making time for me. And he has always been good about staying in touch with text and phone calls. He often says he loves me and wants his future with me. But now he goes weeks without making plans to see me. So my insecurities made me begin to think he is cheating or loosing interest and I told him I wanted to see other people. That seemed to really hurt him next time we went out I refu sex and then he felt maybe I was seeing someone else and suggested we take a break. 2 weeks went by and he messaged me we talked hung out and things kinda went back to normal. Another 2 weeks go by and no mention of hanging out. So I called him and said I need to see more of you. He was like I Jen I love you I will do my best to see you tomorrow. Next day no word so I ask what’s up and he says I am trying I will let you know. Then we go NC for 12 days. Now today he is message me why won’t i talk to him his phone was messed up ect ect. I must say he has done a few things to make me think something suspicious. I have met a few of his friends but none of his family or been to his house and he has never stayed the night. He says he loves me and sees his future children with me. So questions is this a game or could he be for real? Do I stay NC for tonight? For a few more days? Or do I let it go? I probably sound young and insecure, we are both 35. I have just been in bad relationships in past. Any advice is appreciated

    #372225 Reply

    To quote Yoda: “There is no try. Either you do or you don’t.”

    #372271 Reply

    Trying for him means arranging for child care, but stefanie I am of that mind set as well if a man really cares he will figure out a way. From reading the stuff on here I also see that we were at that 4-5 month mark where men pull back. I am feeling this rubber band theory. why does it seem it’s almost recommend that guys get a free pass on this behavior?

    #372277 Reply

    Isn’t he still married?

    This situation doesn’t sound as if it is going to work out.

    He hasn’t even divorced yet and you are really two different worlds. He is an hour apart. Has children to take care of, and hasn’t yet fully gotten out of his last relationship.

    You are single, have no children, are a professional and an hour away.

    His family resents your relationship due to nationality and religion. He has to stay in contact wi family.. He has children. Even if he stays with you, he has to deal with an angry family.

    Sorry to sound so down on this, but waiting weeks to see a man? If a man wants you fully in his life he will make it happen. It’s easy to say sweet words and keep you hanging on… But action is what tells you what he is made of.

    Instead if telling him you want to date others, just ask where his head is at right now. That you don’t see things progressing and it takes time being together to build a strong relationship. If he keeps giving excuses or pushing you off, you have your answer.

    #372279 Reply

    By the way many on here believe in rubber band theory. I was talking with my husband about this last night. Wanted his opinion and experience. He says he doesn’t buy into it. I don’t either. No relationship I have been in that has been long term ever involved a man pulling back or acting weird after 3 months.. That’s why I asked for his opinion.

    He says a man either wants you or he doesn’t. If he’s pulling back he more than likely is figuring out an exit strategy. He admits men are cowards when it comes to letting women go…

    They hate to deal with drama or having women asking questions about why they don’t want to see them anymore., thus they do the fade or create a situation in which the woman walks because he isn’t giving her what she wants.

    #372289 Reply

    Hi lagirl I agree with what you are saying. I have always believed with love none of that other stuff matters, but that may be too idealistic in thought. He had his free out this last 12 days I didn’t contact him didn’t say a word. He is the one initiating. So he is messing up his exit strategy lol. I am prepared to move on if need be, but he is a nice guy and all I have asked for is a nice guy who chooses me and is proud to be with me. I guess I will answer his call and ask him where his head is at. Thanks for the advice

    #372299 Reply

    I must say what made him worth it is he treated me like a queen. He has never been bashful about calling me his gf or stating he wants to be with me including to his ex in front of me and he is a great father. And he is smart and skilled But he has to show me he still wants to be in this. My heart is breaking

    #372316 Reply

    The reason I have been watching phoebe’s experience and posted on her thread is cause I wonder the same. His attention level changed when he got this new job far from me working 6 days a week till his probation period at the job is over and raising his 2 children almost alone. That has been his answer for his absence so far. Like phoebe postulated is it possible to be really stressed and busy vs low interest? Phoebe how is it going with your guy?

    #372318 Reply

    Jen…you saw that 3 weeks ago we had a ‘come to Jesus’ talk at his initiation after I told that we just weren’t progressing b/c he has too much going on, etc etc.

    Things have been better in the sense that he is initiating more, and has done a few things that he hadn’t previously to show me that he was thinking of me. One day he took a screen shot of his computer screen to show me he was listening to my favorite band online at work. Then he sent me a message that he found a book that he thought I would love reading, and asked me if he got it, would I read it.

    The situation as far as seeing each other hasn’t improved, but he’s had midterms between then and now…..but I find myself wondering if I got snowed. He lets me know he loves me, but he HAS to find a way to step up showing me. For the time being, I’m still ok with things, b/c I have a lot on my plate right now too, and as much as I would love to see him, it’s a little bit of a “relief” that I have the time to myself….so I understand how he must be feeling with everything he’s juggling in HIS life. He works 10-12 hour days, takes college courses three days a week, and has his son on the weekends.

    I had flat out asked him if he saw a future for us at that meeting, and he said that if he didn’t, he wouldn’t be there. I tend to find that if men are trying to escape, they don’t ask to see you to discuss things in person……

    Maybe I’m dumb, but I believe him when he says he loves me and wants a future. He is 100% the type of man to speak his mind, and if he didn’t want to be with me, he’d be gone. He has a child with someone, and they tried to be together for the baby’s sake, and it just didn’t work with her….so he left. He takes care of his son, but there is nothing there between the two of them….b/c he didn’t want to be there. He broke of an engagement years ago b/c they were having too many problems, and he didn’t want to be there. If he didn’t want to be with me, he’d be gone. End of story. And I’ve been involved on different levels with enough guys in the 6 years that I’ve been divorced that I know bullshit when I hear it, and I am GONE. And I’m still here. He knows my eventual goal with the right person is marriage. And HE’S still here.

    Only time will tell if he fooled me or not. And if he did, I have no one to blame but myself.

    #372320 Reply

    Phoebe. Thank you for the update. Your situation resonates with me. This man is very thought and affectionate still with text and calling and some nights he calls me and he is so tired he falls asleep on the phone and I hear his children wake him up. I believe him that he loves me. I sure have not made this easy for him, but I am also scared I am gonna get snowed. He has said the same thing to me. If he didn’t see a future with me he wouldn’t be here. He is the one who asked how he could make us official he said he loved me and he has asked me if I would ever consider children in the future with him. All that sounds great but if his actions are not currently matching his words, then I fear being played. I guess that’s life. Phoebe please keep me posted. Your guy stepping up is what gives me hope

    #372327 Reply

    They say that men “test us” to see how we’ll react in certain situations….

    Well, I do my own testing. In the past, when I was involved with someone that I didn’t feel was into me and the ‘relationship’, whatever it was, I would push them a bit to see if given the opportunity, would they walk. In those situations, I was pretty sure things weren’t going to work out, that they had one foot out the door, so I’d give them a little nudge…ie. saying that things weren’t good, purposefully acting a little needy JUST to see what they’d do. And those guys RAN AWAY. And I’m not talking about acting crazy, but asking to see them a little more, or things of that nature. And if they weren’t invested, they’d just say it wasn’t working, and be gone. Or they’d pull the fade, and I let them.

    I guess I sort of did the same thing with my guy now, but it was truly b/c I wanted to see him more, so we could build something together, like HE SAID he wanted too, etc etc. Especially b/c he was the one who first brought up us being a couple, not wanting either of us to be with anyone else, and he said ‘I love you’ first. I gave him a few outs along the way…..and instead of running, he came closer, saying that he didn’t want to give up on us, he just had a lot going on, he loved me, etc.

    No other man who wasn’t invested has EVER said any of this before….which is why I am more inclined to cut him slack and see how things progress. B/c I love him too, and I believe that the end result could truly be worth the wait.

    Only you can decide if you want to hang on for the ride.

    Good luck!! xoxoxo

    #421843 Reply
    Confused AF

    Hey guys!! Well I am here cause lately I’ve been very confused about my situation with a guy I recently met.
    I met him on vacation a couple of weeks ago and well I have to be honest we were incredible together, we made plans and we talked stuff.
    Since he went back to his country and I came back to mine the comunication has been very restricted.
    When he text me he tells me he misses me and everything. I tried to communicate about what I think and he told me he was very busy and He haven’t had the time to put his thoughts together.
    However last weekend he told me he was being very selfish and he doesn’t know what he wants but he wants me in his life.
    He just claims to be very ver very BUSY. He answers back when I write and he’s always nice. But I’m staring to feel very confused. I don’t wanna push him cause I already said what I think about “us”. But now I am in a point where I don’t understand anything and I’m afraid to communicate and I’m afraid I’m withdrawing a little bit.
    He wants to start school and I’m totally supportive about it and he knows that.. He tells me “I am unreal” everytime I show him my support.
    It might be useful to say I’m 22 and he is 27, we are from different countries and it seems like he is staring to put his life in order after years looking. I have a career and I travel a lot, but I’ve been thinking to move to the place we met and be stable and he knows that.
    I’m not sure where do I fit in his life, I’m not even sure how to ask, I’m afraid of not being supporting enough but I’m also afraid of investing to much in something that I obviously don’t know where it’s going.
    I never felt this way before and I’ve been single for 5 years already, so I literally don’t know how this works and I’m getting really frustraded of this situation. I always tent to be very impulsive and say things but with this guy it seems like my brain stopped working. I don’t know what to do. PLEASE Save my soul.

    I would appreciate your help.

    #465934 Reply

    I think there is some grey area, but it is not nearly as complicated as most women make it out to be. In general, men will make it clear to you if they like you. If you are a priority, they will make time for you in their lives regardless of being stressed or busy or whatever other excuses men give to cover up the fact that they are not interested in a given girl. Occasionally, a man will pull away for genuine reasons. This is particularly true in the beginning of a relationship if the man is dealing with an issue that makes him feel like you are not seeing him at his best. Most men would rather cut off or reduce contact than have a women in whom they are interested see them struggling with their job, finances, family issues, etc. However, whether a man is acting distant because he’s not interested or because of other reasons, the end result is still the same – the man is distancing himself from the woman. I personally don’t mind a guy going into his “man cave” once in a while, but I would not date a guy who made excuses to pull away all the time.

    #466196 Reply

    I’m having the grey site situation here by already jump my heart to like this guy so much in my heart.
    He was a total stranger then we had 20mins conversation which was enough to find out that we had similar situation (separated, he had visited country where i am from showing he is keen to my culture) in fact he was sitting there long enough just to made eye contacts with me n started talking.
    I had to go back work so time was up n he gave me his number said “here’s my number if u feel like wana have chat”

    I txt him same night right after finish work. He replied straight away. Felt like he has expected my txt. Conversation going to have a meeting for dinner after work one day.

    That one day came. We had enjoyed dinner time for 2hours exchanging questions sort of like past life interview. He actually spent over $140 for that dinner as he chose expensive restaurant and the expensive one in menu available. That was may b a way to impress me. I offered share the bill he refused then i said next on me.
    I went home and txt him to say thank so much again (courtesy as he spent so much). He replied said “it would be nice to meet up again”
    It was late night so I replied only next day afternoon said “sure let me know when u r free”
    He has made it clear in dinner that his life is very busy full on. Main job fulltime then 2 nights karate instructor for kids then weekend working on his cattle where it is needed some water system then alternate weekend he has his 2 kids
    Woww I surprise how busy his agenda buy that’s what impress me as my ex husband was a laid back person lack of motivation.
    Next day after i txt let me knoe when u r free he started txt me asked my day. I kept it simple short. I did asked him back his day but since his replying time wasn’t quick I thought he was busy and I ended the txting by not asking anything else.
    Then no news from him. I wasn’t worried coz I thought he probably up to his cattle doing farmer until this very moment I’m writing here. I expected him to reply my txt coz I know he must have received my last txt asking how are you and he chose not to replied it :(

    #479906 Reply

    I agree with Lane. Some guys really are busy and don’t have a lot of free time….but if it just keeps on happening,put your foot down and talk about it. If he’s truly interested and sees that he’s going to lose you,he’ll start making changes. I know my guy did. Good luck!

    #487037 Reply

    I’ve never PERSONALLY known that to happen.

    #559193 Reply

    I’m currently dating this Guy who is a single father of two young children who also works a lot, and It seems he hardly has time for me he might text someday certainly not everyday, I can go days without talking to him, and he does try to see me on Saturdays but even when were together he is constantly doing other things, I’m confused sometimes I feel like he truly cares about me other times I feel like he is uninterested and is just string me along to he figures out what he wants. How can I be sure what’s going on and where we stand, I have tried talking to him on numerous occasions but every time he just says he’s a busy and how he has kids to take care of not trying to be pushy or needy but I just don’t understand what’s going on.

    #559202 Reply

    I think, unfortunately, this is one of the things that come down to what your instincts are telling you. Do you feel relaxed and at peace and secure that you will hear from again and like the distance is no big deal? Then he’s probably just taking space to deal with a problem. But if you are feeling that stomach clenching anxiety that something is wrong, something probably is.

    It’s amazing…looking back on all my relationships, I could not hear from the guy for several days and think nothing of it, or I could not hear from him for one night and KNOW that something bad is behind it. I think we tend to discount our own instincts a lot. They’re usually spot on, but because we get stereotyped as “crazy” and a lot of times our own friends tell us “it’s all in our heads,” that we ignore them and then later on looking back realize that I was right.

    #597139 Reply

    Totally agree with you guys!!

    In my case, the texting stop after he opened his new restaurant, I really believe that he is really swamped because he has a job at a Bank and after he gets home he needs to take care of his 2 restaurants. He also needs to be in his new restaurant to supervise on weekends. He often gets home at 3-4 am from the new restaurant to get it done, and he kept updating me that before the restaurant was opened. So I know that he really is busy. After it was opened, I guess his focus shifted and I understand. But then how busy should a guy be? Should I be supportive in times like this and contact him, or should I just leave it because as busy as he is, he should be able to keep in touch?

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