Gray area between low interest and REALLY busy/stressed?

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  • #363445 Reply

    Okay ladies….I’d like thoughts/opinions on the question as to whether you feel there is a gray area between a man who’s not interested and actually really really busy, and/or stressed out of his gourd?

    I generally agree that with all things being normal, a man who relies strictly on texting with no dates is not truly interested, and/or lazy.

    I also agree that men are singularly focused, and when they have a problem in front of them, they tend to withdraw and focus on solving that problem.

    Do you think that the possibility exists that a man might TRULY be interested, while attacking many personal problems in their life at the same time (job loss, money issues), and relies on texting as a manner to keep in touch while dealing with the aforementioned issues?

    It’s a general question, as I don’t believe that any situation is ever cut and dry, black and white. Just wondering what you ladies thought about it. Seeing this a lot lately around me….

    #363447 Reply

    Do you think that the factor of it being within an exclusive relationship makes it more plausible? Or the “L” word being said?

    #363449 Reply

    Yes, men will use texting to stay in touch while busy. Only the person can decide how busy is acceptable to them, because for some men it is a way of life. This is where compatibility comes in. Some women can take the off hours, the limited interactions, but many cannot.

    #363453 Reply

    There’s also the interesting part of dealing with men where when they say that they don’t want a relationship, they mean it.

    Conversely, how likely is it for a man to NOT want a relationship when he says he does? I’ve never PERSONALLY known that to happen. Men ARE usually straight forward, and when they want you, they let you know it.
    And I have also had enough experience where I know that a man will not offer up on his own to say “I love you” unprompted. When put on the spot, he will, however, reply in kind when asked.

    There are so many factors to consider when entering into relationships these days. One wise lady on here once commented that it’s like a minefield. And it really is.

    It sometimes makes me wish I was still married to my narcissitic, alcoholic, cheating ex-husband.

    NOT!! lol No no no. Never. But dating IS a pain in the butt these days. ;p;

    #363455 Reply

    Hi Phoebe,

    Dating can really be a bit of a pain, yes. But then you will meet the right man and it will all of a sudden be easier than you even dreamed was possible. Hang in there. :)

    #363457 Reply

    I’m not even stressing about it. Okay, that’s a lie. lol Maybe a LITTLE.
    But I have enough life experience to know what I will and won’t tolerate, and my time tables for those things. It’s all good.

    I know who I am, and what I want. :)

    Thank you, Juliette. Allllll good. :) :)

    #363458 Reply

    I was looking to get thoughts on the main “question”……the persona of the BUSY STRESSED MAN seems to be a recurring theme around me..and not just for me. lol

    #363461 Reply

    This is a very difficult question. my ex would go by for days without texting or calling me but my current bf texts me regardless of how stressed, busy etc. now he works at least 60 hrs a week. it’s hard not to to want to see each other more like before, but hey, i can try to use it as a strategy and get him to miss me more too!

    also ask yourself this question, would you rather he have a job then not in this economy?

    #363462 Reply

    I would think that anyone would want their significant other to have a job. It wasn’t a question of whether I was saying it’s the job or me……..

    It was more a generalized query, la_living. :)

    #363463 Reply

    Hi Pheebs ! I think it a sign of modern day life/problems/stresses/technology that relationships have changed.

    I DO think the odd time a guy REALLY likes you but life/timing/circumstances get in the way and he gives ” mixed signals”. No one else really seems to agree with me here, but i do believe in slight mixed signals whilst a guy is sorting his shit out and in giving him a 2nd chance.

    I also think guys are lazier these days re dating/putting effort into a lady.. but we also let them away with it.

    It was all sooo simple in the “good ole days “

    #363464 Reply

    I honestly believed with the advent of technology its making out lives HARDER, not easier. Humans are not learning the proper socializing, communication or life skills necessary to interact with each other like we once had to. Today its become far too easy for technology to fill up a bulk of our time to the point they’ve become too lazy.

    Why should a guy spend energy taking a lady out if all you needs to do is text to keep her attention? I’m dumbfounded as to the amount of “text dating” that guys get away with today! I remember when guy’s wrote love letters, bought flowers, and actually wooed a woman they were interested in!

    All I know is that today both sexes don’t appear to know what the hell their doing! The fact we now need books, tricks and advice on a mating ritual that’s been going on for thousands of years makes me wonder if we’re getting dumber :oP

    #363475 Reply

    Yes, I believe a man could be really really busy but also interested in a woman. I think you can tell the difference between true busy and lack of interest.

    If you answer yes to below then you will probably feel the man is committed to you and will fee loved despite that the man is busy:

    Is he committed? Is he exclusive? Is he interested in a relationship and has talked about that prospect with the woman? Has he communicated that he is very busy and will make time on xXx day, to make it up to you? Is he giving the woman the limited free time he has? Has he reached out even if just for a few moments? Is he communicating why he is giving so little along the way so the woman isn’t left to guess?

    How likely is it for a man to not want a relationship when he says he does?

    Who knows. He could be lying. He could want a relationship but not sure he wants one with the woman he is with. He could want a relationship but change his mind cause he’s so busy or because he’s unsure of the woman. He could change his mind.
    There are many possibilities, you can’t mind-read.

    If he says he wants a relationship but acts to the contrary then you should ask if he wants a relationship again, cause people are free to change their minds at anytime on what they want or the person they are with. If you assume he said it once it’s true even if all his actions say otherwise then you could waste time. Relationshps thrive on communication.

    #363480 Reply

    yep… communication is the key. if you don’t ASK, you don’t KNOW.

    #363481 Reply

    All good points. I was hoping that Lane and Harley would show up on this! lol Ivy, great contributions as well, and Talllady too.

    So many variables, unknowns, and “gut feelings” in different situations.

    Personally, I’ve been with guys who wanted to spend lots of time with me, but weren’t interested in a relationship. They said they loved my company, I was a great woman, but they weren’t interested in a relationship at this point in time. They didn’t claim to love me, didn’t go out of their way to keep in contact in between seeing each other, etc. Their words weren’t matching their actions as far as the amount of time and attention they WERE giving me when we were together.
    How do I know it was that they just not with ME? Because I have been the springboard for many engagements in my life over these last 6 years. lol OMG, I think 90% of the guys I casually dated went on to get engaged and married to the women they started seeing immediately after me. That messed my head up a bit for a while. lol

    Then you have the flip side, where a man is saying that I am the one he wants, he loves me, he sees a future with me, and then life keeps tossing obstacles in the way, all the while he’s asking me to be patient. It’s a matter of whether or not a person is willing to take a gamble when everything else seems right.

    #363483 Reply

    Phoebe, If a man said he didn’t want a relationship and you did then why did you stay with him? You let yourself be the springboard, if you walked away when the man said he didn’t want a relationship then you would not have been the springboard. Didn’t you ever think about that? Once a man says he doesn’t want a relationship then it doesn’t matter if it’s in general or with you, he just isn’t the right guy for you, the right guy for you will want a relationship and will want one with you. If you waste your time on men who say they don’t want relationships then you will continue to be dissapointed.

    If you want different results then change your behavior

    Flip side – Actions and words should match. Once again, accept less and you will get less.

    #363490 Reply

    yup.. agree with Ivy again. i have accepted LESS in the past and compomised myself.. hence.. relationships NEVER worked out.

    I.. have fund VERY few men in my life who can “put up with me ” initially they all LOVE my independence, confidence, joie de vivre, mapcap way of going on.. THEN.. they try to change me… never works out !

    In 27 yrs of dating I have only found 2 men that have loved me for me… one is my ex fiance… too coward to try with me again. the second .. my FWb for 18 yrs.. I love him but not “in love ” with him.. anyway.. he’s never faithful !

    The possible “3rd” I go back to hopefully meet end Oct.. time shall tell with him. i know he is interested but really busy/stressed at the moment so I am cutting him SOME slack… i gave him mixed signals anyway.

    so.. him.. I believe is a grey area to answer your original question. HOWEVER… he has to make his mind up soon… either he wants me or not and shall MAKE time for me.

    #363491 Reply

    Ivy, I did step away from those situations where I asked, and they said that a relationship isn’t what they wanted, I DID walk away. It was only in the very beginning after my separation from my husband did I stupidly hang around. You’re projecting a LITTLE bit onto what I said. And it was a joke that it seems like any man that I have any contact with ends up either living with someone or engaged.

    I even cut off a 3 year friendship/actual relationship after he said he didn’t want to be my boyfriend anymore…..and I couldn’t be just friends with him anymore. And I found out quite accidentally that less than a month after we broke up, he started dating someone else, and after knowing her for 5 months, they got engaged. He and I had talked about marriage at one point too, so for him to do that hurt. But I was soooooo glad that I cut myself off from that bullsh*t.

    #363492 Reply

    fund.. meant found

    #363494 Reply

    I’ve been following your tales about Mike and Frank, Harley…..

    I’m always on here, reading everything…lurking in the shadows. lol It does sound like a gray area with Frank. Such a mind jumble, even when you have your head on straight.

    #363496 Reply

    And as far as accepting less….no, I don’t do that anymore.

    BUT – as far as a situation like this where the compatibility, etc, is there, but the conditions aren’t quite conducive to a flowing relationship, I’m willing to sit back and see what happens when things ease up.

    If things normalize on his end, and still nothing changes, I am outta here. It’ll hurt, but I’ll do it. I’ve done it before, I can do it again.

    #363501 Reply

    Hi Phoebe.

    How long has this guy been quote “busy”? That’s become another hang word men use to say “allow me to do nothing while you wait however please know if I liked you enough I would clear my calendar to be with you!” I understand men have to work, but trust me, if he fears losing a lady he will step up his game.

    #363502 Reply

    Phoebe, You wrote it though, I wasn’t projecting, I just read what you wrote. However, great you walked away. And yes we do live and learn. And ok, you wrote it was a pattern that men keep not wanting a relationship and then marry the next girl. That is what you wrote. It’s either a pattern or an exception, accept it.

    #363507 Reply

    Let’s just say that it’s been going on long enough where I’m straddling the line between patient and doormat……….

    And it’s a reason that I’ve been backing off emotionally more and more, as I’m not going to allow myself to be leveled.

    #363514 Reply

    Pheebs… Mike is WELL out the window. He WAS the love of my life but I could NEVER trust him again.

    FRANK.. who knows but I’m ok about him. he has a lot to sort out, My head is screwed on much better since Mike. i’m… being patient.. but NOT doormat. With Mike I was BOTH.

    You live and learn. I THINK a time comes with us all… when you KNOW to give up, let go.. i did that with Mike. I will get there with Frank too.. he either continues to mess up.. or step up !

    You.. just have to reach that point. Sounds like you are getting there. GREY areas can only BE GREY… for sooo long !

    #363516 Reply

    I CHOOSE NOT to let Frank be a mind jumble. With Mike I was a mess. .over thinking/analysing/hoping.

    With Frank.. I’m secure.. in myself… in him. I believe/trust… in him/me/us. I am at peace. I’m confident. I ASSUME he likes me .. a lot.. based on our last meeting/tryst ! IF.. he chooses not to take it further .. his loss. I keep busy, I have my own life, I think of him often/fondly, but NOT worriedly/obsessively. What will be, will be.

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