Gray area between low interest and REALLY busy/stressed?

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  • #363520 Reply

    Good for you, Harley. :) My mind is becoming less jumbled with this, and yes, I will reach the point where enough is just enough. I’ve reached it before with others, granted at a faster pace b/c they simply weren’t worth the effort or patience, but I WILL reach it and act accordingly.

    I have seen that you have been more centered with Frank. All a learning process, and I know for sure that this site and forum have helped me a lot…..

    I always enjoy reading anything you post, Harley. Lots of good advice, and always some laughs. lol

    #363525 Reply

    OOH YES.. I’m a unique madness ALL of my own making. Wouldn’t have it any other way !

    #363528 Reply


    #364286 Reply

    I just posted about a similar situation, so this caught my eye. I agree that men can become very singularly focused on something, and when they come up for air, they reach out and find you.

    I also think that going days without a word is not cool. I mean really, how long does it take to send a short message?

    One thing I believe firmly about men is to pay attention to their ACTIONS, not their words.

    #364292 Reply
    Dee Dee

    He could genuinely be very busy and stressed but is the type of person you’d like in your life? I personally want to be with a solid man who has gotten his life together. I’ve just ended an intimate connection with a busy and stressed man who seemed to bring so much chaos and destruction into my normally quiet life. Also he was testing the waters with other women, making sure we were “not in a relationship”…

    #364297 Reply

    If a guy wants you, he comes get you. IF he has shit in his life, in my book, he gets an acceptable time frame to work it out if possible.. i.e marriage problems/ job problems.. money.. takes longer to sort out in my book.. but leave the marriage/ex GF, move jobs… within a reasonable time limit.

    If he is communicating and telling you he is trying to sort it out, and you see evidence/proof of this, then only YOU can decide how long is an acceptable time frame.

    There are men/people who are “doers” and then there are the “talkers”… “Doers” sort shit out, “talkers”.. talk, never do, string you along. All false promises.

    I can only deal with “doers”. I’m a “doer” myself.

    #364335 Reply

    He does keep in contact, and told me that he does so that I know that he IS still interested, and that he isn’t ready to give up. He said that he couldn’t stop me if I was, but that he wanted me to know where he stood.

    Not going to make excuses for him, but I know how I get when I am overwhelmed with life, and as a natural introvert, I tend to pull back and withdraw from pretty much everything and everyone until I feel like I can come up for air. He is a LOT like me in a LOT of ways in that respect. I’ve been going through a bit of troubles on my own end (which I haven’t burdened him with, as I tend to handle things on my own), so I haven’t been too affected by this dynamic.

    The job situation at least is hopefully going to be mended soon, as he was offered a new position at a new company after being let go from his previous place of employment…which will also take care of his money stresses……

    If things don’t normalize after that, well, then it’s going to be time for me to wish him well, and take a stroll in the opposite direction. He knows what I’m looking for in a relationship, I know what he’s looking for, we’ve agreed that we wanted to embark on a relationship together (he was the one who brought it up), and made that step to be exclusive (which he initiated) and have been for months…but words without actions after time just aren’t going to fly. I love him, he said he loves me (he said it first)….so we’ll see.

    #364339 Reply

    yep.. in your own head, give it a time frame.. say 3 months (oops.. that makes Xmas !!!), maybe 6 weeks then , if he not stepping up.. move on.

    #364343 Reply

    Harley, I will tippy-tap away in tap shoes! lol

    #364351 Reply

    Ha ! I’d be stomping in stilettos… making sure I got his toes on the way !

    No.. honestly, fair dues to you ( credit for being so ladylike !).

    I think.. we all have a s w i t c h inside ourselves,that says when to give up/pull the plug… some probs here (98%), it’s sooo obvious to pull the plug straight away, others, like yours ARE the possible grey areas of the 2%.. give a chance. I’m NOT a firm believer that relationships/life is black and white. MOST times it is, the odd time not.

    #364353 Reply

    Well, as far as being ladylike, some people deserve to see that side of me.

    There have been others who got the steel toed boots in their giblets b/c of the way they treated me/acted towards me. lol

    In general, I try to avoid conflict, and can be a bit passive-aggressive, but I’ve learned over the years how to speak up when I need to. And I think there are a few people who wish I’d go back to the way I USED to be. lol Little do they know, they helped me find my voice, and I’m NOT afraid to use it.

    I don’t really have too much to lose by seeing if this situation is the odd 2% gray area ends up as something good….within that time frame in my head. ;)

    #364458 Reply

    I’m so. CONFUSED! What started as constant texting, missing you messages and I love you calls has now leveled off to little texting and no response to questions. In the beginning he was the needy one. I purposely hung back and not invested my heart into the relatonship bc of previous trust issues and i just was not there yet. But, I did make the committment to try and try hard. I asked specifically if it was work stress no response to that question or any others. I’m at the point that I can move on. Am I over reacting or am I seeing the invisible handwriting on the wall?

    #364518 Reply

    How long has it been going on for? Are you guys in an exclusive relationship, and/or bf/gf?

    It’s difficult to read their minds if they don’t tell us what’s going on with them, but as I’ve read on here over and over, the best thing to do is just hang back and let them come to you….and if/when they do, only YOU can decide how you want to handle it.

    It’s not easy at all, and I can empathize with you.

    #364522 Reply

    yes.. how long this going on ?

    Sounds like he was waaay too intense at first and has now backed off.

    Keep yourself busy and see if he gets in touch. if not.. you are well rid.

    #364548 Reply

    The full blown intensity has been about 5 months. The relationship was long distance from the beginning. I stated (from the beginning) I would have to make room in my life. He would ask if I told anyone. Which only a handful including his sister for her blessing (she is the link between us, which I did). He had already stated he was getting a divorce and I said we could only get serious and tell others when that is complete. His sister response was “he’s going to divorce, move back, & marry you. Which really scared me! Never married and no biological children.

    I’ve been independent all of my adult life so opening up was new to me. I’m not heartbroken. But, don’t waste my time. I think our conversations were real. We had a recent texting session (just before this change) where I explained one of my strong suits was anticipating needs and fulfilling before the request is made or the need realized (PM background). I’ve asked questions to get a sense of where is head is, but he ignores. So, I am wondering is this a test or my gut telling me were done.

    #364549 Reply

    ARE you both on different continents Daisey ???

    ARE you SURE he is still divorcing ???

    #364573 Reply

    No , we are not on different continents, different states CA and VA. And, no I’m not sure he’s getting the divorce. Can anyone be sure until the paperwork is signed? I know his family including his mother well and I don’t want to be know as the other woman. In this relationship or any other, which was my first response when he made his intentions known. Is there a way to find out?

    #364579 Reply

    Have you spent any time with him? Texting is a lame way to fully communicate….:-(

    Not sure about his situation, but most men are not ready to jump right back into a marriage with someone else after they divorce. Sure, he may feel the need for an ego boost right now, but watch your heart.

    Most women on here who get involved with separated or newly divorced men end up hurt.

    It takes time to unwind from a marriage and divorce. Men might initially like the companionship, but then find themselves really longing for freedom and not wanting another commitment right away.

    Does he have children? If so, how would he be able to move to you and make that work.?

    Not trying to discourage you, yet he IS still technically married.

    #364589 Reply

    LA Girl, I’m not discouraged, because I went into this thinking its long distance and I don’t have to give it my full attention since he was not local. He pursued me from the beginning. I even asked when he said he wanted a relationship was he interested in a real relationship or FWB. He responded a real relationship and we would always be friends.
    His kids are all adults w/ kids that are in state with me. Until reasonly I could have had a FWB relationship as long as he wasn’t married. I said I don’t like to share, I wanted the ups and downs, and the romance of a relationship.

    As for the move, he’s looking for a transfer from his job or finding a new position. I may have scared him by saying “he’s going to make me get my act together.” Which only meant me providing the attention that a full time relationship requires.

    #364591 Reply

    And yes,we have communicated other than texting. Which I would think would be a major priblem if he was not getting a divorce.

    #365656 Reply

    Hello Phoebe:
    I believe you are on to something here and agree that yes, a man can be interested in a relationship, but is in fact inundated with work/business pressures, ex-wives, single fatherhood, etc. I’m in a similar situation and have decided to ride it out and hope for the best as I care for my man in question and at this point in my life am pliable enough to adapt to the realities of his life. The minute I’ve deduced there’s no hope then I’m out, but for now it’s doable and I’m fine with it.
    Best of luck to you and to me, too! : )

    #365723 Reply

    Hey there, Vicki.

    Good on you!! Yup, kinda in the same frame of mind as you are in now.
    I’m still in a place where I’m comfortable “riding it out”, so to speak, and haven’t reached the point where I’m ready to walk away.

    But when I do get there, much like you, I will know and then be out. For now, I’m going to believe him when he says he loves me and wants to be with me. Because how could he not?? I’m awesome!!! (LOL! Oh I wish I really had THAT level of self-confidence!!! lol I’m not too bad. ;) )

    Best of luck to BOTH of us!! :)

    #365823 Reply

    OMG, Phoebe!
    What a difference a day makes!
    My “guy” was supposed to come over to stay the night and when we were talking on the phone he asked me if I had eaten yet. I said yes, but asked him what he would have said if I’d said “no.” He said he would have told me to go ahead and eat and he’d be over later. So, even though his son was not at home he still didn’t ask me to meet him first for a bite.
    Anyway, I was feeling very unhappy and couldn’t even make a mental image of myself answering the door and smiling at him. I know I was starting to really see this thing for what it was: nothing
    Anyway, when he called to confirm again (Really? Confirming a third time? He just wanted to continue on as he’d done with a clear conscience!)I hesitated and tried to explain that I was having second thoughts and was just not happy. He said I was being “weird again”, got huffy and basically hung up on me. He then texted me saying that he came to the conclusion that I was “too old for him”, I was “kind of weird” and that he didn’t want “to be with me anymore” and not to bother to text him back!
    So, now the truth comes out. Oh, I saw the signs alright I just chose not to acknowledge them. I hope I will know better next time and try not to let being lonely blur my judgment.
    I hope your outcome is happier than mine.
    Take care,

    #365826 Reply

    Hugs Vicki.. the asshole has done you a HUGE favour !

    Now.. at least you know.

    Start of a new life of recovering and choosing a better man.

    ignore him when he calls in 2 months !

    #365843 Reply

    Thank you, Harley. Onward and upward now!

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