For those who need help with NC and letting go.


Home Forums Break Up Advice For those who need help with NC and letting go.

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  • #395786

    Elizabeth

    Received this text Thursday morning instead of usual daily “good morning” text…getting back with my ex..sorry”
    Night before we were discussing me moving in & he said we’d never break up. On Sunday told me how lucky he is to have me. So completely blind sided & crushed. I don’t want this to be over. I just want to know why you’d leave a good & developing relationship & possibly long term happiness to get back with ex. The relationship failed before so will fail again. Why go backwards when future looks bright? I understand “because still love them but it’s basically choosing to be hurt again, like taking steps back & not forward…just isnt logical. If it’s such a great love then why did it take 3 months to get back together?
    I know I won’t know. But I still can’t let go & walk away. I try not to call or text but then I get to where stop myself & text or call. Make g things worse because now he hates me, wants nothing to do with me & thinks I’m crazy. Which makes it worse because I don’t want him to remember me as a crazy, psycho chic. I want to be the one he was lucky to be with days ago. so now I want to apologize & explain why I’m acting crazy like this. Again making it even worse. I know relationship won’t last & might last a week. And we will pick up where we left off or expect that to happen. However now I’ve flipped out, acting completely out of character Possibly ruined chance of that happening. Omg.i Am crazy. Why would he want to come back now?

    #395859

    Poison

    Suave,
    The last time he contacted me in the 14th Jan, he did said if I don’t give him time and myself included, he doesn’t feel right for us to continue like we used to. Is this a way for him asking for more time?

    He has been the best that I’ve ever met, he’s been there for me through thick and thin. And I found myself stepping into the black hole of no return, I have fallen so deep that it hurts so much now. I used to work nearer to him and was able to make a visit at least once every month and during those times, things were going so well. Just that now I’m a bit further away from him and he feels that whenever I said I miss him or something, he feels there’s nothing much he can do so he’s doubting if it’s good for us to be so far apart.

    This same issue has been brought up before in the past years and we had decided to go ahead with the challenges. However, this time around he is taking longer than usual to reconcile.

    Trish,
    I understand u must have been going through a roller coaster of emotions now. And U’re doing well in telling us what u wanted to say to him, instead of blazing up at him.

    Elizabeth,
    What happened that lead to the sudden changes? Did u see it coming?

    #395865

    redcurleysue

    You had a life before him….remember it? How did you live….however did you manage your day…..sounds silly I know but sometimes humor is the best medicine.

    #395868

    Aisha

    I’ve been dealing with this guy for about 3 months and we’ve stopped talking to each other twice (well he stopped talking to me). I always say that I’m not going to contact him first but I end up doing it anyway. I think that if we go to long without talking he will really forget about me and I don’t want that to happen because I really like him.

    We just started back texting (because of me) and it seems like we’re about to stop texting each other again because I texted him earlier and he hasn’t respond yet. But I just saw that he was on Facebook on his phone. I want to be strong this time and not give in. But I think I’m going to eventually come up with a reason to text him.

    I’ve heard that you should just try to keep busy and you want think about it. But right now I’m not that busy and it’s hard to not think about it. I try to force myself to stop and next thing you know I’m thinking about him again. I just wish I could get over him and not even think about texting him first.

    #395870

    jane2

    Aisha – how many times did you go out with him in 3 months? Sorry if I missed the post. I can’t scroll through 38 pages lol

    #395876

    Aisha

    Jane2 … we really didn’t go out he’s just came over to my house twice and we hung out. But he did ask me to go out of town with him for a couple of days but I said no because we were still getting to know each other. And I’ve heard some not good things about him. But after that he didn’t ask me to go anyplace else and he only text me. He texted me one day and told me to call him but when I did he didn’t answer and I texted him right after to let him know that I called and he still didn’t answer.

    I’m starting to feel a little stupid now because after actually reading what I wrote it seems like he’s been playing me from the beginning and he only wants one thing from me. I’m pretty sure if I texted him right now about sex he would respond.

    #396072

    Khadija

    I’m so happy I found this post. It’s been exactly 9 days since I broke things off with a guy I was dating for two months. Today I’m home sick from work with the cold and laying in bed is making me miserable. I keep finding myself thinking about him. I know I made the right choice I just wish I would hurry up and feel that way.

    #396697

    Suave

    Congrats…Khadijah. You made the first step, which is hard to do. Yes, it gets harder because the more days go by you realize how much you miss him. It starts getting better in about four weeks but then you go back an forth. Stay strong NO CONTACT, whatsoever. Don’t you feel empowered?

    #396856

    Banana

    It does get easier. You still go back and forth but Atleast you know you have to move along with your daily life.
    You find things to do but in your alone time you will think of him. All normal.

    #396880

    Sanni

    Hi, I’ve read many of your ladies stories in this thread and I have to say they made my heartbreak all over again because I know this pain, as I’m experiencing it so bad right now. I feel hopeless…

    Some may have read my thread in the break up section “How to prepare for that msg” but for those who haven’t, this is where I’m at right now:

    I dated this awesome and amazing guy for close to 7 months..(I can’t even start without crying my freaking eyeballs out)…Yes our relationship moved quickly. I fell so deeply in love with him. He made me happy, he made me excited, he made my world brighter, he made me feel like a real woman, he made me feel safe, loved, cared for. He made me laugh. We could do absolutely NOTHING and still have the best time just being in each others company. He couldn’t keep his hands off me and I never wanted him to take them off me. He would look at me as though he was looking deep into my soul. He made me feel like I was precious to him, because I truly believe I was. We waited 5 months before I introduced my child to him. He loved her and the way he looked made my heart beat so hard. I could see him visualizing this as being his life and I saw the happiness in his eyes, I know he wanted it, so badly. He was my bestfriend, he knew everything about me, my fears, my stupidness, my success’. I cherished my relationship with him…

    However, I think his fear got in the way. He slammed on the breaks and pulled away, and then 3 days after not hearing from him, I received a text message from him, telling me that he’s feeling overwhelmed with everything, he’s stressed with work, his life, me, everything. He’s feeling pressure to move the relationship to the next level and he needed time to figure out what he wants and he didn’t want me to influence his decisions he has to make.

    It broke my heart into a million pieces. I was shocked, sad, depressed, but in my gut, I knew this was about to happen, I was able to feel it.

    Naturally I reacted out of emotions, I felt threatened that something I loved SO MUCH was being taken away from me, so my response to him came from a place of fear, rather than understanding. Although I can’t change anything about that day, and even if I was able to go back in time and redo my reaction, I probably wouldn’t have reacted any different because I’m a female, that’s just how we are built, it’s a female biological response.

    But now that its been almost 2 weeks, I can understand what he is saying and what he is needing. I understand that his decision has NOTHING to do with me or how he feels about me. I understand that does care about me, he does love me and that he’s not selfish nor is he a bad guy in ANY way. Yes he sent this to me through text, BUT I have to believe that he did the BEST he could with what he had in that moment. And I know that he would have preferred to have this convo with me in person, but I also know that he was already maxed out emotionally, mentally and physically, that there was no way he could have been able to take on the emotions that would have come from me and my response. I get that now. But that’s a part of the reason why this no contact is SO hard for me, because I want to sooooooo badly tell him I understand, but I can’t because he hasn’t contacted me and I can’t reach out to him because he asked for space and I need to honor that.

    I think about him EVERYDAY! I cry every day, I miss him so much more than I’ve EVER missed any ex bf in my past. This hurts more than I’ve ever experienced in my past. I’m trying to move forward, I’m trying to keep busy – I’ve started going back to the gym, I’ve been reading A LOT! and I mean a lot. I’ve volunteered, I’ve been seeing a counselor for other things in my life. I’m also getting back into dance. I have a child that keeps me busy…but not matter how busy I am, I still think of him, I still cry and I still miss him. We’re not connected on any kind of social media, so I can’t see what he’s up to. I just feel like he’s completely disappeared and it hurts me so much!!!

    I don’t know what else to do?! Every day I hope is the day he reaches out, but come night time, when I’m laying in bed and no text or phone call has come through, I put my phone down and I literally cry.

    I’m so exhausted. I really just want him back. :(

    #396966

    Suave

    Wow! It sounds like a great relationship. Did he say how long he needed to sort things out?

    #396999

    Amy

    Its been a month since i left him – left him on 3rd January.
    I decided to walk away.
    He was the best relationship i have ever experienced. the way he would look at me, the way he would watch me, i felt he could see into my soul
    unfortunately this (even though a part of me finds it hard to believe) was all a mirror. when it was good, it was incredible and i knew he was the one and i was so in love with him. but when it was bad…it was all about him and how he was upset over the tiniest things (which weren’t actually to do with our relationship) and i felt i couldn’t cope and that he was sucking the life out of me.
    on one hand i felt completely comfortable with him and like i could completely be myself, but on the other i felt i couldn’t speak my mind with him as i was worried he would react badly, as he had a temper and would take everything so personally and some how manage to turn it around so it was about him.
    even my day at one point, 8 months in, said that i am the happiest he has ever seen, and said that it was great to have “his daughter” back. the happy, relaxed daughter.
    and that was because at that moment i did feel happy. but of course it all changed due to him and his suspicious mind and his negativity.
    but i left and around 2 weeks later i was really struggling and found myself just wanting to go back, cause i was (as every one does) remembering the good times and how he did make me happy at some points.
    and of course he reached out to me at that point…emailed me. and it was a twisted email, blaming my parents for us being split up and saying “now that you are clearly over me and we no longer work together, do you think we can meet up to get some things out in the opne”…and of course this pulled me in and i responded. it went on for a week messages back and forth. and even when i think about it, he still is not accepting responsibility for any of his actions and blaming everyone else. to the point he even said “i should hate you….but i don’t” he shouldn’t hate me at all. but he was trying to pressure me to get me to meet him. he knew that if he would see me, i would fall apart and he would be in. even asked me to go to his house as he has no car. and as much as i wanted to…i didn’t. there was a part of me scared…as he is manipulative, and a part of me knew it would just hurt me more. so i told him i need time to heal. that he had broken my heart and i needed to pick myself back up off the floor. he kept saying he wanted to make it right and asking me to give him a 2nd chance…and a part of me said that maybe i should give him a chance…everyone deserves a chance. but i had already given him a chance 4 months earlier when he cheated on me. and then he said that he can “accept my rules and regulations” and would be willing to change and “put up with” me being my open self!! and i told him that a relationship is not about “putting up” with someone and there are no rules and regulations in a relationship…it should be natural and flowing.
    and i told him again i needed time to heal.

    The last i heard from him was 24th january – nearly 2 weeks ago. he sent me an image of 2 lovers holding each other.
    but i didn’t respond and deleted it. i blocked him on facebook after i left him, straight away, and i have deleted his messages and photos.
    but the last week i have been finding it harder. i wake up in the morning and wonder what the point of getting up is. but i do get up and just try to swallow the pain. this morning i had a good cry over my breakfast.

    as well as moving on, i’m finding it hard to look forward and see how i will meet anyone else. i know that it will take time to heal and completely let him go.
    i’ve been going to therapy as i myself have some inner issues which i am dealing with.
    i’m too needy and seem to give myself completely to someone without setting boundries. but i’m facing this. reading self help books and trying to focus on everything good that i have. and foucsing on building my self esteem.

    i wanted to just write this on here, as it helps to share and vent.

    #397012

    Banana

    I feel for you. My ex broke up with me when things got too hard for him. He said it was both our faults and it just wasn’t working. It takes effort to make relationships work sometimes. He was too relaxed and I was too needy. It wasn’t working. A part of me tells me to accept it wasn’t going to work and breaking up was a good thing but I do miss him a lot. Like you I remember all the happy times and question whether it is better or worse to take him back. Has he changed in this time? If you got back together it would be the same thing all over again and you will walk out again. I think you should move on. But so should I. I know that when we were happy i felt like the luckiest girl in the world and he would too. But when times got rough I knew I was suffering in the relationship. I was drained because I didn’t feel appreciated or secure. I felt distant with him. There were words but no action. When you start to feel tired in the relationship either the other person steps up their game (in my case he gave up) or you walk away because it takes two to tango they say

    #397013

    Luara

    GOd! THank you girls for making me feel normal!
    this thread is very helpful coz i was getting crazy thinking its just me!

    in my case 12 years relationship. We broke it off nicely coz he met someone else.
    he is commited to her. Says he wants to be friends. So first he went NC for a week then i decided to go NC but for the last week after 2 months of breakup he is calling acting freindly.

    ITS HARD NOT TO HAVE EXPECTATIONS!

    the facts are clear: we are not together, he is not my BF and he doesnt want to be, he left me for another woman.

    I read the facts i grow stronger. i know i love him still so any contact is a problem for me. he says he cares about me and wants to be there as the best friend he always has been.TWO MONTHS ARE NOT ENOUGH.

    we talked yesterday and he sent me a song that reminded him of our first time we got initimate together. the song pretty much repeats out encounter word by word. he said he wish things could be different but then he doest nothing in ACTIONS to back it up.

    I think am slowly becoming a man hater!

    anyway i think best thing is to go NC again and it means … DO NOT TALK TO HIM EVER AGAIN.

    when you have feelings any contact is a set back for you and you have to start right over again. I would like to think it gets esier when i let go and the less i hear from him the better i get. thats how it is with addiction to ppl

    #397251

    Sanni

    Suave, no unfortunately he didn’t say, he just said “I’m not saying it’s over, but I don’t expect you to wait around” then he said “I want you to know I do love you” this was the first time he said he loved me :(

    I have no idea what may or May not happen? I’m scared to wait because what if during this time he decides he doesn’t see himself being with me, then I’m going to hurt all over again. But at the same time, it’s hard to not wait because I love him and because he said he’s not saying it’s over and obviously I don’t want it to be over :(

    So as you can tell I’m so mixed up.

    He said he would call me after he got back from being out of town. Said he was going out of town sometime this week so I don’t know if he’s still gone or back or if he will still call or if that was just something he said in the moment?

    #397767

    Claire

    Hi All,

    I’m the original poster of this thread and i thought i’d come back and provide you with an update, and hope for those of you going through a difficult break up.

    It’s been 3 months since I last had any contact with my ex and i’ve started to really get my life back together. I really believe it is the no contact which has helped the most. I was talking to him on and off until mid November and it really wasn’t helping me at all. I was in a bad place and my christmas was pretty lousy. I had a very bad panic attack over everything that had happened on christmas day and that was the turning point for me. I decided I couldn’t let someone else (a factor external to me and outside of my control) dictate my future or the way I felt. He wasn’t making me feel crappy, I was. I couldn’t make him come back and change the situation so therefore I really had to start changing my thoughts and the way I viewed it. The only other option was going further into a deeper and darker hole and I wasn’t prepared to do that. It was really hard but I decided I had to start fighting for my life back, even if I felt complete crap in the process…I wasn’t going down. So after essentially hitting rock bottom the only way was back up, the alternative wasn’t worth thinking about.

    Throughout January I made a lot of positive changes. I viewed lots of houses and decided to go for a new build. I have a deposit down and it will be ready towards the end of the year. While i’m waiting for that I am moving out of the house that was meant to be for the two of us and back to where I was happy in an apartment by the water in my old city – a city and location that I love! I’m renting a four bed house that was meant to be for the two of us and the costs are ridiculous so my finances are going to be much healthier and I can save ready for my new house. I also moved away from my favourite place to be with him, a sacrifice that in hindsight I shouldn’t have made, but now I get to go back there and be the single girl living in the big city with a great social life! Yay! I’m moving in with housemates and we have already planned all sorts of activities together for the summer.

    In work I have pushed myself and put myself forward for a promotion. The job may be a little above me but my manager is now aware I would like this kind of opportunity and has said other positions may be opening up soon if this one doesn’t come off. She has also agreed to fund some extra studying for me so I can progress my career.

    I’ve been out on several dates, with several different guys (haha!), I’m not looking or ready for anything serious but i’m having lots of fun and just enjoying the process. I’ve had lots of interesting conversations and some really fun nights out! I don’t get hung up if guys don’t call me back because I know if they don’t get back to me that it just isn’t meant to be – I have trust that when it’s right, that person will stick and I don’t worry about the ones who don’t.

    Funnily enough as I was packing to move today I came across the guaranty for a watch that I bought for my ex last March. It’s valid for another couple of years – I thought twice about getting in touch and decided I had paid for it so if he still uses it he may as well have it, the insurance is a cost I can’t get back so it may as well be with him and of use than in the bin. So I sent him a text and got a simple ‘that would be great, thanks’ response, this was then followed up by ‘where are you moving to’. I could have continued a conversation with him but I was surprised by how I felt that I didn’t want to engage in any further dialogue with him at all. I was simply doing something nice and passing this on and I really didn’t care about anything further. It was quite an eye opener for me, I didn’t care about speaking to my ex and I felt totally happy in my own life without him.

    So there you go! It’s been a tough road. We broke up seven months ago, and I finally feel quite indifferent about it. It made me chuckle because he seemed slightly cagey / short in his texts whereas I just really didn’t care. It signified to me that maybe he still feels awkward about things whereas I could have quite happily just chatted and been myself if I felt so inclined to, whereas his conversation was stilted. I guess the guy still has a lot of work to do on himself, but that aint my problem. As far as I know he’s still with his old ex and I kindof feel sorry for him about it for not having the confidence to grab something new and going back to someone who trampled his heart. I know i’m worth more than that and I wouldn’t go back to him or any other ex that has treated me that way once when there is someone out there who is going to love me and never leave me. I’ll let you know when they show up.

    Good luck with your journey, think of this as a positive life changing experience, even if it doesn’t feel like it, it’s teaching you lessons and making you stronger, it just might take you several more months to look back and see it.

    Lots of love Claire xxx

    #397786

    Lady T

    Hugs Claire! Good for you! I am SOOOOOO happy to read this. You started quite the sensational monster of a thread and I’ve wondered how you’ve been doing. I assumed no news was good news but ya never know. You are an inspiration, girl! Take care xo

    #397793

    Suave

    Claire …what a success story. You are an inspiration……

    #397812

    M

    Good for you, Claire. I went NC yesterday morning so am I on day 1 or day 2? Yesterday was pretty easy. I had a strong urge to reach out shortly after I hung up on him, but I knew I’d feel worse. I felt pretty empowered yesterday… but as seems to be my pattern, a day or two after that empowered state, I start to make justifications to contact him. I haven’t given in and I know he will be happy to hear from me but it will make ME miserable. If I called him, he would get the attention and the satisfaction of knowing I still want him, and I would get nothing but disappointment in return. And then I would feel bad about it, and it would be that much harder not to reach out again. So I’m going NC.

    My current fantasy is that if I hold out long enough, he will call me and I can say that if he wants me in his life on any level, he has to go to therapy. But that is ridiculous, he’s not going to call me ever again I’m sure (not because he doesn’t want to but because he is so terrified of rejection he would rather just leave it to me to call). So that’s that, and I am sure in a couple weeks I will feel much better. Thankfully we never had sex so hopefully the attachment will break down a lot faster than if we had gone down that road.

    Anyone here had NC without having sex? Was it easier or did it take just as long to stop thinking about it and wishing he’d call? I don’t want him in my life. But I guess I am a masochist on some level

    #397813

    M

    Oh and I even imagined us going to couples counselling together and making it work between us. How CRAZY am I to even think that??? Jeepers!

    #397823

    Harley

    Great news Claire. delighted for you. life shall continue on wonderfully for you now.

    #398023

    Claire

    Thanks ladies! Hope it has helped some of you out! There really is light at the end of the tunnel I promise. Only a month or so ago I didn’t think there was anyway things could improve, in fact I thought they could only get worse. But here I am, still standing and on the road to happiness. I’m finally looking forward to the future and I’m excited about it!!!! Life is for living and I intend to grab it!

    M – you’re hung up on the finer details right now which will have no importance in time. It doesn’t matter what day you’re on, it doesn’t matter if he calls or not. All that matters is you act like your own best friend right now and take care of yourself and start doing things you love without him and meeting new friends and new guys without him. It’ll be hard at first but the more you push yourself the easier it will become. Don’t worry about acting in strange ways right now either, it’s natural and happens to everyone going through loss. I cried after the first time I made out with a guy but this was a good thing as it was part of my grieving and letting go. It was sad but ok and a good thing that he was no longer the last guy I had been with. I know a lot of people may disagree with this but I got a FWB which helped. It was ok for me though as it was all I wanted, we’ve both been clear that we aren’t falling for one another, it’s an arrangement that’s all. I’m far from being the kindof girl who sleeps around but it’s bedn important for me to get my sexuality back and feel sexy again. This works for me although I don’t advise it and it isn’t for everyone. I also know the guy, so it isn’t some random stranger and I knew I’d be safe.

    Anyway, obviously there was a lot more too it than just a guy, and everyone is different! Have fun but be safe!

    My creativity is coming back and I made a bag today! I used to make things all the time and this is the first thing I have made since the breakup. This is another big sign I’m getting back to myself. M

    Hugs xx

    #398157

    m

    So glad you are getting back to yourself! How wonderful! I am swearing off men in general for a while. If anything happens, it happens, but I am not looking for dating right now. I wouldnt mind a nice kiss, as I’m really craving that and this guy I’ve been hung up on refused to kiss me! He was just playing games, touching me, trying to turn me on… then backing off. Cruel.

    He called me today and didn’t leave a message. It feels as though we had contact. I was on edge wondering if he’d call back and if he was expecting me to call him back (as I have called him when I saw his number on my call display). I’m curious to know what he wanted to say. Last time he did that, he said he was going to call me back but he wanted me to know that he had called and he knew it would show on my caller ID. I wish he’d just left a message but maybe that is part of his game, trying to hook me into calling him. I will not. But it’s interesting that just knowing he called brings up all those feelings and curiosity… was he calling because he realizes he loves me and can’t live without me? Not likely… probably just calling for some attention and to see if I’m pining over him. Barf.

    No contact for him, or my ex boyfriend (whom I had to fight the urge to confront in person today after seeing a mutual friend. I may need NC with the friend as well but it’s tough as we are friends)

    #398246

    Khadija

    Thanks Suave and all the ladies in this thread. Whenever I catch myself wanting to text or call I come here and remember why I’m doing NC. I sure do feel empowered!! I hope we all can get through this tough time. I love the support here.

    #398260

    M

    It’s hard when I hear things about my ex… about how depressed he is and about how much he had to drink on his birthday.. even after everyone left his party apparently he was drinking alone because he was depressed… BUT he was offered help and support from me. I would have been there for him but he insists on surrounding himself with unhealthy people who belittle him and are jealous of him, and give him bad relationship advice 1. because they cant function in relationships, either 2, they are all jealous he was the one who got me and not them (this is totally true, we had to back away from them when we started dating because they got so MEAN to the both of us…both these guys had expressed an interest in dating me in the past so I know it’s jealousy

    Anyway, as much as I feel worried about him and angry that he complained to our social group about everything I did wrong (in spite of never addressing it with me, no matter how many times I asked if there was anything he needed from me, even when we broke up I asked if there was anything I could have done to be a better girlfriend (all he said was he felt a little pressured about marriage, which was fair enough) but there are all these other little things he’s told his awful friends and I’m sure the advice they give him is to just be passive-agressive, since that’s what he did for most of our relationship. So I feel worried about him but this is his CHOICE. He is actively choosing to alienate me and drink himself into oblivion. It is not my job to save him from himself. He will only drag me down with him. I care for him and I hope he pulls himself together. I cannot take this on, I cannot be responsible for someone who doesn’t even care about me anymore and doesn’t want help from me.

    We hve one mutual friend who I tried to get rid of but she reached out again. If I am goig to continue to see her, I need to maintain my boundary of NO talking about those guys. We often get into discussions about them… I think that is how she tries to connect with me, because she knows that I will, of course, be curious if she starts giving me information about my ex. So I will have to cut her off if she starts talking about him (that is going to take a lot of willpower). If she keeps it up, I will have to go NC with her, too.

    And, no, he wasn’t drinking himself into oblivion when we were together.

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