For those who need help with NC and letting go.


Home Forums Break Up Advice For those who need help with NC and letting go.

This topic contains 1,027 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  ANM Staff 1 month ago.

Viewing 25 posts - 1 through 25 (of 1,028 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #366445

    Claire

    I’ve been in a ‘will we, won’t we get back together’ situation with my ex recently. We’ve been apart for three months now but the longest we’ve had no contact for was two weeks early on in the breakup. Last Thursday we (well probably more him than me – see ‘Is She a Rebound’ thread) decided to let it go properly. I’ve decided to do strict NC for at least 30 days – maybe 60.

    So i’m four days in and it’s starting to KILL me!!! Argh!!! I thought i’d start this thread so those of us going through a similar situation can help each other out and stick with it. If there’s anything you’d like to send to him then come and write it on this thread instead! It would also be great to help each other out with advice about how to keep busy etc.

    I’m trying to break it down by just getting through each hour at the moment – I know I can go for the next hour without getting in touch and then i’ll just build from there getting through the following hour… I’m going out with a friend tonight – it’s just so hard to keep my mind distracted! I know I need to stay as busy as possible right now.

    Does anyone know at what point this gets easier? When we went for two weeks without speaking I was actually doing ok and felt I could get through another two weeks – but he came along and got in touch didn’t he! I’m thinking at the two week mark I could be feeling pretty good again.

    #366448

    Gemini615

    I am (was) a month in as of this wednesday, Oct.1st. But he broke it last week, so oh well. But honestly, since it’s been pretty much a month of NC besides last week when he reached out, I’m finding it more “normal” now.

    The first couple weeks were hard. Now I don’t feel temptation at all to reach out, even though I do still wish he would call me up and say he messed up and wants to fix things. But even those feelings become less and less each day. So where as before it was “normal” having him in my life and talking to him every day and seeing him all the time, my “new normal” is living my life without him. It does get easier.

    Once you reach two weeks, get yourself a little present or something. I spent my first couple weeks of NC doing things to make myself feel good. Mani pedis, LOTS of retail therapy, spa day, got a haircut, etc. It really did help a bit. Made me feel better and took my mind off him for a little while at least.

    #366464

    Harley

    It was 7 weeks for me. I NEVER feel temptation to reach out.. once I understand in my thick brain, they have made it clear they are not interested.

    I do be more annoyed with myself than them, annoyed I trusted and believed so much. But then I remember to value myself more.. and understand they are stupid gits( assholes) for not loving me… and ya know what.. BOTH of them know it too !

    So cry, drink, pamper yourself and get it all out. The best revenge is moving on, looking shit hot and bettering ourselves. And they come back and see us like this !

    #366468

    Juliette

    I think the key is truly knowing your motivations for going NC. If you are still feeling wishy washy and are doing it to motivate some action or feeling in them, it probably will not work. To Harley’s point, just believing in YOUR OWN MIND that you are better off without them is the key. And truly – NO MAN WORTH YOUR TIME WILL EVER CAUSE YOU TO GO NC WITH THEM. Repeat that until it sinks in. Your goal should not be to get THIS SPECIFIC guy. Your goal should be to free up your energy and space in your life for THE RIGHT GUY to come in. Again, the right man will not require you to go no contact!!!!

    #366472

    Harley

    Well said Juliette ! I often look deep inside myself and think ” am I going NC because I hope to get a reaction ” If I’m brutally honest… 0.1% of me is, BUT i CAN honestly say.. 99.9999999% does it because I AM happy in myself, with myself and IF the guy couldn’t see,appreciate and want that(ME!), then I am soooo much better off.

    Even though I hate walking away.. I KNOW it’s the right thing to do. I’m OK with walking away because I want more, I want IT ALL ! I’m confident and secure enough to say… I DESERVE THE BEST.. THE greatest love of all.

    #366489

    Juliette

    Amen Sista! :)

    #366535

    buttercup

    I did no contact well for three weeks. But by god was it hard! Then due to the bizarre change in circumstances some contact was resumed. Not nice contact, but contact none the less.

    In the last week we have actually spoken on the phone twice. Both initiated by him.

    Some days I’m feeling ok, and more positive, and then I get a text or phone call and it sets me right back to the beginning.

    So, no contact begins again.

    Its one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I am missing his stupide lying ass so much. Why, I ask myself! Why?

    Got to keep focusing on the bad!

    #366537

    Harley

    Hugs B…it’s shit. Please please please go NO CONTACT again.

    I hope I don’t see my German. Effing shite got under my skin ! Time to wash that man right out of my hair. ..U2.

    #366542

    Claire

    I’m on day 5! I’m going insane!

    Juliette – if I’m completely honest my motivations right now are for him to get in touch but I hope in time it will turn more into focussing on myself. I can’t help the way I feel at the moment but just hope it will change with no contact and time.

    Buttercup – maybe tell him to stop calling and block his number if it’s hurting you so much? I’m contemplating blocking my guys number for my own sanity – so I’m not waiting to hear from him. I do want to reach point where I’m strong enough that it doesn’t bother me though and as time goes on I guess the hoping will fade away.

    Going to try and keep busy today! Throw myself into work, the gym etc.

    #366544

    Harley

    You really do need to have NO CONTACT. .no fb snooping…no calls…texts…pics put in a drawer etc. Time DOES help them fade but Not if you have ANY kind of contact.

    Just keep busy.. it’s all I did. Kept myself exhausted. And PRIDE keeps me going…I don’t want a man who puts no effort into me and contacts me when HE feels like it.

    Stay strong. Try to stop thinking.

    #366875

    Sammy

    Hi everyone! Just wanted to share my story and hopefully can help motivate you guys to be strong during this crazy, painful and in the end liberating phase of NC and healing.

    I was dating this guy I met online whom I was so smitten for 6 weeks. At first, I didn’t expect much and thought of it as something casual (I’m in a divorced process which I was very honest with him from the first day we chatted). He pretty much pursued me as he would be the one making plans for dates.
    I believe I started feeling more invested when he introduced me to his friends. His friends seem to like me and even made a comment that they would probably see more of me which was very flattering.

    So this is the sad part, he then asks me to go with him in his friend’s event and stay over the long weekend. The party went well and his friends started inviting me for future activities. I could tell that it sort of bothered him. The next day he was acting all cold and long story short he faded out on me for 2 days when he’s been consistently contacting me every day.

    I had to confront him because I felt he was being rude when he knew how much honesty means a lot to me. I’ve been married and have no time for silly mind games. I know my self-worth. Although yes, I may have said yes to all his date invites, I can honestly can say that I didn’t pause my life for him as I still went out with my gfs and did other activities without him, which prompted him to plan our dates early in the weekends.

    I told him that I need him to understand that it sucks that I didn’t hear from him this past days and if he’s not cool with how I feel about the entire fading out then that’s fine let’s move on.
    He replies that things are going too fast and he can’t give what I need (I wasn’t really asking for anything but consistency). But whatever, obviously, he freaked out when he sensed that our casual relationship is turning into somewhat substantial. Mind you he’s in his late 30s and never been married and haven’t been in a committed relationship for years.

    So, as much as it hurts, I had to break up with him. I knew if I stayed longer it would be more devastating for me as he doesn’t feel the same way. I told him it was nice knowing you and I wish you all the best. He then replied, I would want to remain as friends if you’re ok with that. And in my head I’m like, “HELL no!” So, I politely declined and that was it.

    It’s been a month or so since the break up and I’m staying strong with the entire NC.I have deleted his contact information, our text messages and emails. It was a terrible first 2-3 weeks but I picked myself up and went on with my routine of working out and doing stuff on the weekend on my own or with gfs.

    I still think of him a LOT and most of it are happy thoughts which can be bittersweet. I had a lot of fun with him but it’s just one of those things that are not meant to be. I’m able to accept that slowly and as time passes, it hurts less and less.

    So, just hang in there. I know it’s cliche to stay to keep yourself busy after the grieving process ( a lot of crying and screaming “why me!!!” in my part) but that really is the only way. I read a lot of self-help books which were also very inspiring. But most importantly, just be kind and patient to yourself. If you still want to do a pity party night then go for it but don’t let it swallow you whole. The silver lining is that, at least you’re no longer wasting your precious time with the wrong person. Hope my story helps.

    #366881

    celesteannv

    The NC helps and yes it takes time. After R went radio silent on me, I was at his house, calling, emailing, snail mail for weeks. Then I was so ashamed of my behavior I stopped cold turkey. Deleted his number, took him off all social media, boxed up gifts, etc.
    He snooped my on LinkedIn a couple of times and I stayed strong. Fast forward 10 months, met J and we are together a year this week.
    All good, but back in July after over 1.5 years.. R contacts me. I was floored and had a pang in my gut. So yes, time heals, but know that there will always be scar tissue.

    #366895

    Ivy

    I am confused, is this a break-up or not? It sounds like you don’t view this as a break-up. I think you probably should see this as a break-up. It seems that you are just faking a no-contact rule and get upset when it’s not broken.

    I think you should think first what is this, is it a break, a break-up. A break up means you move on. If you are waiting for contact, that is not moving on. If you aren’t dating others, that is not moving on.

    If it’s a break, then you two should establish the ground-rules, is it a break where you date others, not date others.

    If it’s a break-up, then it gets easier when you tell yourself that it is over, you move on, you fill your life up with things that make you happy, you stop daydreaming about a future with this guy, you stop yourself when you realize you are wishing he’d contact you. Yes, you will miss him but you can miss him and move on at the same time, it is not obvious to me that you have determined you are moving on.

    What things are you doing in the past 3 months to move on besides thinking of this guy?

    #366896

    Harley

    Ivy.. he’s been in contact on and off up until 2-3 weeks ago.

    This is Claire from the “rebound” thread.

    AND I agree with you… she is hoping he comes back.

    #366902

    Claire

    Some great advice on this thread! Thanks ladies :)

    Hi Ivy, I wasn’t particularly making this thread for myself, it was just to share NC experiences so those of us going through it can help and support each other.

    My back story is that my guy came back after a 3 month breakup, declared his undying love for me – didn’t match his actions with his words – this led to an argument and then he told me he would “let me go and let me get on with my own life and that he hoped I would meet someone to make me happy one day”. So in my eyes this is a breakup, and the douchebag has now managed to dump me twice! A double dump! haha!

    Tomorrow will be a week of NC. Something inside me seems to have shifted today and this is what I was hoping for! Today i’m starting to feel NC is about me rather than waiting for him to call. I’ve contemplated contacting him several times this week but today when I thought about the possibility of getting in touch with him I just didn’t want to. Today I have really felt that this is for me and that i’m really not ready for any interaction with him until I have recovered fully from this. I want to reach a point where I could accept him as just a friend (if I even choose that) and then I may reach out to him to see how he is getting on.

    With regards to moving on, i’ve been chatting to other guys and i’m on two dating websites. There hasn’t been anyone i’ve felt motivated to go on a date with yet but i’m sure that will happen in time. To be honest i’m quite happy on my own and don’t feel I have to date to move on. My life is pretty busy, I have a lot of hobbies and i’m very fulfilled so i’d rather wait for the right guy to come along than force myself to go out on dates just for the sake of it. I;m happy to accept that it could be another year or two before I meet someone special. I’ve been in relationships since the age of 15 so time to myself won’t be a bad thing. I have never been single for long and I intend to fully enjoy it this time around. I want to travel, maybe change my job and do a few other things before I get tied down again. This time is about ME!!!

    #366903

    Claire

    Hi Harley,

    Yes I was hoping… probably still am hoping but my thoughts are starting to change now as i’ve wrote above and this is what I want. I don’t want to be hoping I want to move on – and I guess you have to want something before you can make it start to happen.

    #366909

    Jessica

    I think some of you were on my post about my FWB situation. Relationship or not, it’s still painful to let go and have to go NC.
    99% of me right now is in hopes he will snap back, while 1% feels it’s best. But I think that’s because it’s still so fresh.
    When does the gnawing raw pain start to ease???

    #366911

    Mel

    Jessica

    As you can see from the above posts it is all different for everyone some it starts to feel better by week 2 some it takes 6 to 8 weeks it all depends honey but you have to be strong you have to love yourself more.

    #366996

    Claire

    aww Mel I love that “you have to love yourself more”, I was struggling again today until I read this and it reminded me I DO need to love myself more. :)

    #367009

    Mel

    :-) Glad I could help. Just know that you are the only one that you need to make happy that’s it no one else just you. You are Priority everthing else is just an option.

    #367024

    Sammy

    Hey Claire,

    Stay strong! Mel is absolutely right! You have to love yourself first. Who else can love you unconditionally but yourself!

    Everyday will be a struggle! I am still struggling, I keep a journal and write down my thoughts which I find therapeutic.

    Also, just in case he’s the one to break the NC, I’d like to share this passage that I read from one of the self-help books:

    “You allowed that person to make you feel insignificant, unwanted, undesirable, not pretty enough, not smart enough and not good enough. When he tries to initiate contact, REMEMBER how that felt and RUN AWAY”

    It sucks how much damage and hurt a person we used to care/love have over us even if it’s just 1 month of years of being together. This entire NC is what pushes me to claim that power and save my dignity. Again, stay brave! You got this!!!

    #367030

    Harley

    Claire.. am glad you are feeling better. Me too. What will be, will be. It’ great when the “shift” comes in one. Long may it continue.

    #367098

    BlueSocks

    NC really works!

    I had a bad break up (found out the guy cheated on me) and I asked for 3 months of NC because he begged me to take him back, and things would be different, etc. I was tempted to, but I’d never been so hurt in my life. It was hard, I lost about 10 lbs in a month and it was so hard to focus at work. But before 3 months came along, my ex texted me asking me what I’ve decided and I asked that we minimize all interactions going forward. The NC period made me realize I was so unhappy in that relationship because I couldn’t trust him, and he wasn’t worth having in my life.

    However, my most recent break up has been hard. We broke up amicably 1.5 months ago, and he’s liked and commented a lot of my Instagram pics. We’ve been texting the past week because he told me he was interviewing at a new job (this was a point of tension in our relationship). I told myself I would never get back with him unless something drastic changes, and I thought this might be it – however I catch myself daydreaming and thinking of “what if” scenarios in my head. I need to remember that he may be just sharing with me as a friend, and I need to decide whether to ask for a NC from him. It’s hard, but it’s probably the best for me to move forward. It’s hard though, especially since ALL my girl friends have shared with me that what they observed of him was that he cared for me a lot. Ugh.

    #367128

    KAT

    Going NC is hard no matter how busy you keep yourself, how fulfilling (really) your life is, how many other men you may date, etc. When you feel connected to someone, you are going to miss them and grieve the loss (of what was, what could have been, etc.) Some of you may recognize my name, but it has been quite some time since I last posted (probably a month or two.) Last time I did, I had decided to go NC with that guy. But, yeah, that didn’t work. We still have not seen each other, but text regularly, then either he or I will go silent for days or a week or two. It has now been two weeks since our last contact.

    If I were to text him right now, he would respond immediately no matter what the topic. If I were to call him, he would answer. But, nothing is really happening. It is painful. Some days I am really strong and get frustrated with him and the situation and I let it go. Interestingly, if I actually tell him in some way (directly or indirectly) that I am going away, he starts the chase. But, if I fade, he does, too. It is almost like he knows I haven’t said goodbye, so we are still “connected” in some way. IDK. It’s perplexing to everyone.

    Other days, like today, I miss him and start thinking back on the relationship and start feeling guilty about things I said or did (as if this was all my fault.) I start thinking I was too invested in this guy and that I just could not do anything right. I try to remind myself of the things he could have done differently and the ways he did not treat me the way I deserved.

    Historically, I have had no problem writing guys off. But, for some reason, this guy is still under my skin. And, yes, I would love for this guy to get his act together and come back strongly and fully. But, to be honest, if he were to, I don’t think I could trust it or him. That is a relatively new feeling for me. Perhaps focusing on that will help. IDK.

    Hang in there. I do not know what it really takes to move on.

    #367129

    KAT

    I should add, if I reach out, he responds no matter what day or time of day. Almost makes me wonder if he’s got anything going on that he can respond so quickly and carry on a conversation anytime. And, I will add that he’s made suggestions of getting together, but nothing happens… All I can surmise is he is keeping me on a hook, but I do not know for what purpose. It is nonsensical to me. I do not seek ego boosts, if that is his endgame.

    I will add, too, that I am feeling exceptionally emotional lately. In addition to working full-time, going to graduate school, and having a full social life, I am also selling my house with escrow closing in two weeks. I still do not have a place to live! I am searching every day, but finding it very hard to find a place where I want to be.

    Like the song goes, I have “one less problem” without him. I love that song and it sums up our relationship very well. With all on my plate, it should be easy to let him go, but it’s not…

Viewing 25 posts - 1 through 25 (of 1,028 total)

The topic ‘For those who need help with NC and letting go.’ is closed to new replies.

recent topics