For those who need help with NC and letting go.


Home Forums Break Up Advice For those who need help with NC and letting go.

This topic contains 1,026 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  ANM Staff 1 year, 11 months ago.

Viewing 25 posts - 51 through 75 (of 1,027 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #368286

    Harley

    BLOCK FB.. it’s addictive shite and just sets you back to square 1 and groundhog day all over again !

    #368828

    Claire

    Hi ladies,

    I’m on day 18 of NC. Haven’t heard a thing from him, to be honest when we last spoke I felt it was really over, I know people said be prepared for him getting in touch and even my friends said they didn’t think I had heard the last of him, but it looks like I may have.

    So i’m still up and down and tearful from time to time. Cried a lot last night, mainly thinking of the loss of his family, it was really weird as I was thinking about how much I missed his Mum and she actually text me while I was upset and thinking of her! I haven’t heard from her for a couple of weeks so it was kindof spooky! It’s sad to think I won’t be spending christmas with them this year. Somehow it just doesn’t feel right to me. When I was walking to my car and driving home from work today all I could think about was how unnatural it feels to not have him in my life. I know it’s part of the breakup process and tomorrow i’ll probably hate him. I guess this tells me that more time is necessary until these emotions all settle down. Maybe i’m still in denial but I can’t help but feel this doesn’t feel right at the moment. Maybe with more time and acceptance it will.

    I think i’m just missing him, but i’m missing the guy that he used to be when he was in love with me and not the person who he is right now. The guy who he was with me doesn’t exist right now. I’m determined not to break NC and to keep moving forward with my life. I’m thinking a couple of months of NC may be needed at least now.

    #368838

    celesteannv

    Claire,
    Hugs all around./ I lost SO many people through my divorce and three years later I still have pangs of loss, but I have so many new people who have come into my life in the meantime.
    18 day sis great and I fond that with R.. I started to feel human around week 3. GFs actually made me go out dressed to the nines, dancing and drinking on day 22 and it was a turning point for me.
    I still think about R and it has been almost 2 years.
    Good luck and stay strong.

    #368850

    buttercup

    I’m in missing mode today too. I think its been 8 weeks now since the break up, and 2 since last contact.

    By the way girls he DID pay my money back, which really surprised me. Still owes me another £50 which I’m prepared to lose as I’m not asking for it.

    Dont know why he hasn’t paid it. Unless he’s holding out as a means to get in touch one day??

    #368869

    Claire

    Hello lovely ladies! Aww C, I’m sure someone is going to come along and make you forget all about that soon! It must be super hard going through a divorce though! Mine was just a 2yr LDR relationship, so nothing in comparison!

    Buttercup – I meant to reply to your earlier post, sorry! You’d mentioned how he had taken up residence in your head and I was thinking about what we can do to stop this. I decided that every time my ex popped into my head I was going to imagine him doing something stupid and humiliating. Falling over, wearing a giant nappy (sounds crazy, but works for me)…anything daft to make you think of them in a different light. I’d get your money back B! I was sure to do this shortly after the end of our relationship and before going into NC. I just sent him a message saying you owe me X for X reason, put it in my account ASAP! He did it right away. Don’t let him walk over you anymore, you’ll regret it later on when you’re feeling stronger. I’d get this sorted and then cut him off, it’s your money lovely and he owes you nothing…i’d even add some interest on! I did! haha! :)

    #368882

    buttercup

    I tend to just tell him to fuk off when he pops in my head.

    As for the money, I just dont want to contact him to be honest. I’ve had everything else back. I’d rather lose the £50 than make contact and ask for it. Making contact, getting a response just knocks me back emotionally. The only way I can keep strong is to let it go. He may well pay it into my account yet. Time will tell…

    #368890

    claire

    Ok, but I don’t think you should view it that way, it’s your money! £50 could get you a whole new dress, to be dating a whole new man! It’s totally upto you but if you want to leave with him owing you that’s fine. Personally I don’t think this is a situation that leaves you open or needy, you’re just asking for what is yours. xx

    #369003

    Claire

    So i’ve finally got some hotties coming through on the dating website! Woohoo! I went to bed thinking I was going to die a lonely mad cat woman and i’ve woken up to a number of cuties in my inbox. I think I really need to get back out there now. They say the definition of madness is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result. Well…that’s what’s going to happen if I stay stuck on my ex, i’m not going to get anywhere! And there are billions of men in this world, he can’t be the only person I could ever fall in love with. I’m thinking of all his annoying habits today. Maybe we just weren’t a good match at all.

    I think i’ve been too picky and not open enough to meeting new men through fear of making the same mistakes, but I don’t think you can judge someone properly until you actually meet them, so i’m just going to start saying yes and getting back out there.

    So I really need to bag some dates…operation dating here we come.

    #369006

    Harley

    Yup….you won’t know till you try. I went on one last week. ..It was crap but still glad I put myself out there.

    #369018

    Claire

    Can we not post links here? I’ve just found a really helpful article.

    Yep Harley – we have to make a start somewhere.

    I think it’s becoming more of an ego thing for me now. Whenever I want to contact him and I think of the way he will respond or generally how he is then I no longer think it’s a great idea. He’s hard work, verbally aggressive, angry, bad a communicating and a liar. To be honest when we first broke up it annoyed me that he continued to contact me so much. I remember thinking, if you don’t want me just be on your way, so I really should be please that I got what I wished for.

    As I couldn’t post the link here is the content. I think this really puts things into perspective…

    I shall boost my confidence and restore calm by remembering the following:

    My distress is a result of brain chemistry and I’m not crazy. Just temporarily off balance.
    My anxieties and insecurities don’t necessarily reflect what’s really going on or what he’s thinking or feeling.
    Just because he broke up with me doesn’t mean that what we had wasn’t real. It’s simply not real any more.
    I shall respectfully honor his request for space.
    Seeking contact (stalking, pleading) does not bring relief, it only brings shame.
    Instead of thinking, I have to get him to tell me the truth, change his mind, stop cheating, etc., I shall stop caring what he does or how he feels.
    It is a mistake to heed the voice inside my head that urges me to seek him out. That voice comes from pain, insecurity, and fear and is not the BEST me.
    When that voice is triggered, I shall turn toward myself or a good friend for reassurance, not him.
    When I am triggered, I shall mindfully observe my physiology and let it wane without trying to fix it. Rather than thinking I have to see him and recapture what was, I shall think, Oh, look at that. I’m having an anxious moment. This too shall pass. Also try unfurrowing your brow. A calm face leads to a calm mind.
    When triggered, I shall give myself a 90-second timeout for my physiology to calm down—and I shall not renew my distress by focusing on what’s upsetting to me.
    I shall not measure my worth by his attitude toward me. His attitude is a reflection on him, not me.
    He’s just not that into me, and I shall spend my time with people who appreciate me. Life is too short to do otherwise.
    Distance from him is what heals me. Whenever I try to get close again, it’s like picking off a scab and making it bleed. I’m only forcing myself to go through the agony of withdrawal all over again. When a scab has formed, I shall let it heal over completely.
    I shall not justify seeking closeness as an attempt to keep my lover as a friend. I cannot afford a friendship until I’m completely over him and no longer even remotely triggered. And it’s okay if we don’t remain friends. Moving on is a sign of personal growth.
    It’s okay for me to feel sad that this relationship has ended. As I grieve, I am moving toward healing.
    I am a growing, changing person and can learn from this experience.
    I shall take the high road and behave in ways that have dignity and restore my self-respect.
    I shall do what nurtures my health and wholeness. (Natural serotonin and dopamine boosters include physical activity, sunshine on my skin, smiling, and good nutrition including plenty of protein, vegetables, B vitamins, and bananas.)
    When I take care of myself, I feel confident, optimistic, attractive, and authentic.
    The more I behave like a sane person, the more I’ll feel like a sane person.
    To resist focusing on a dead relationship, I shall focus on living my BEST life.
    I shall seek out what energizes me, not what drains me.

    #369019

    Harley

    Ooh yep…really good. So true as well.

    #369030

    buttercup

    Its the same for me Claire. There is no point in making contact. The response is always blunt, angry and leaves me feeling shit.

    If he makes contact its all nicey nice.

    Its better just better to have no contact at all.

    Also like you, my ex has become someone I dont recognise. He’s not the man I knew.

    #369038

    Harley

    Perhaps both guys are the guys you always knew.. they just kept that side hidden or you just didn’t see it / want to see it ??? I USED to always make excuses for my guys behaviour.. not any more !

    #369040

    tt

    Hi everyone! This post and this website have definitely helped me with a lot of my anger and I had wished to have found it earlier!

    Here’s my story: My bf and I were in a relationship for about a year and things were going a bit south. I was getting frustrated because I didn’t feel like he was giving me enough time and ‘caring’ about me enough. In my previous relationships, I would always hold stuff in and not be so upfront (and that never worked) so with this relationship I was always so vocal about how I was feeling. Every time I would be sad or upset he would know and he’d feel so guilty about it and we’d both talk it through and both understood each others sides. I was pretty naïve and thought that just because he didn’t want to spend all his time with me that he didn’t care about me. Stupid me. Truth is that he really did care and love me but me nagging him when he was just trying to find a little autonomy was really straining our relationship. Wish I had known this sooner. Anyway, he breaks up with me at the end of January 2014. I was really dumbfounded but I could see that he was hating to see me so upset all the time. His reasoning was that we were fighting a lot and that he just wasn’t as ‘into’ this as I was. So that was that.

    I cried every day all day. I was a mess. I never ever contacted him first. He would every now and then throw a text my way (general- how are you doing text). He would like all of mine and my friends instagram pics and fcbk posts. We saw each other a handful of times between the breakup and May (he would always initiate and we would always have a great time and end up sleeping together). I was just so frustrated by all this game-playing, that I blocked him off of fcbk and instagram (should’ve done it sooner). He noticed about a few hours later and asked me why I would do that and that it hurt me. I basically said that it should’ve happened sooner and that I don’t want to talk to him anymore and that I need to move on with my life. This entire time I never dated anyone.

    Some time after I blocked him he told me that he wants to talk to me. He missed me and he said that he isn’t over me. He said that he’s confused about everything and the thought of me with someone else makes him sick. We started talking slowly again and he told me that he doesn’t have time to give me a full relationship, but wants to see me.

    Starting about end of June time, we started communicating everyday and seeing each other about once a week. We’d go on dates and it was fine. I was happy to be with him and I think he loved being with me.

    So now, its October and I’ve just been upset a lot thinking about why he still doesn’t want a relationship with me. He says he can’t commit to something so serious right now. And he is giving me as much time as he has (which I don’t believe). I just hate feeling like an afterthought. He disagrees with me and says that he’s giving me what he can right now. But I just cant be happy with how things are and its just unfair for me. I just cant ‘casually date” someone I used to be in a full on relationship with.

    On Monday I told him that this isn’t working and we should stop. I was angry and mad and I wished that me telling him that I was leaving for good would make him MAN up. But it didn’t. and its done and he feels terrible.

    I’m contemplating if I should’ve just stuck it out more? But it just wasn’t fair for me. After so long, you should want a relationship with me!!

    We haven’t spoken since then and I question what I did. (sorry for such a long post)

    Any help would be welcome!

    #369045

    celesteannv

    If you want a relationship and he doesn’t than the answer is easy. You can care for someone, even love them and not belong with them. If you have different life goals, then it will not work.
    Are you willing to keep settling or move on, start healing and then find the relationship you deserve?

    #369053

    tt

    you’re absolutely right. its like a bad cycle. he just makes me think that he is the one. we are amazing together and get each other so much. he told me that he hasnt been with anyone since we broke up (in Jan) and that he just cant seem to get over me. (i want to believe all this is true and i really do trust him). He can be a really good boyfriend and i understand when he says that he just doesnt have the time for a relationship (because he wants to give it everything it deserves). these past few months, he keeps telling me not to give up and that he is trying to make time for me. he says that he hates the thought of not being with me. then why not commit?

    its just getting too much for me. after all this back and forth i deserve him to be committed to me and make me a priority. i hate always feeling sad and upset because i dont feel like i’m getting what i deserve (and i’m not).

    i hate letting go and walking away from him. but i have to be happy. its just so hard not to text him and not to tell him i want to work it out with him and that essentially i’ll be ‘on hold’ until he is ready. i just need to focus on something else, i cant get hurt and ‘rejected’ much more.

    #369061

    Claire

    Hi tt,

    I feel your pain! I’ve just come very close to breaking NC after a meltdown over it being 3 weeks since we last spoke! I realised this is the longest time we haven’t talked for since the breakup and that thought neat sent me into texting him! I even wrote out the message but managed to stop myself and calm down. It’s very hard when you care so much about someone and it hurts so badly when their feelings and actions don’t match yours. If you guys first broke up in January then this has been going on for an awful king time and you don’t deserve to feel this way. I know you care for him, but this situation had been dragged out enough and it’s making you miserable. How long have you not spoken for in the past? I’d suggest reading up on the no contact rule and really try giving each other a break now to see if things change. It can’t carry on the way it has been so letting go, even if just for a while is your only shot IMO. What you s been doing so far hasn’t worked, so try something else. Take some time to get happy again and maybe reach out in a few months when you’re feeling stronger to see where you both are at.

    I’d love a buddy to support me through NC and vice versa so if you want to help each other out that would be cool :) stay strong! hugs xx

    #369064

    Harley

    tt………. you both sound childish with all this too-ing and fro-ing to me. Sounds like you don’t communicate effectively and he can’t give you what you want. You seem to want too much of him. he said he don’t want a relationship.. i tend to believe him. Relationships are meant to be good.. overall. YOURS… sounds draining. You both seem to keep up the same behaviour OVER and OVER again. NOTHING changes.

    I’d consider moving on.

    #369067

    tt

    Thanks for you input Claire!! I’ve definitely cut off all ties with him when we broke up. he was always the one reaching out to me and i wasnt strong enough to not respond. so i would say that the longest we went without talking at all was probably 2 or 3 weeks. and every time i would see progress in me moving on, he would come right back in and say something cute that would make me start the NC rule all over again.
    i definitely think that you should be strong. when the guy knows that he has you whenever he needs you (like in my case), he will just keep doing the same thing over and over again. but ignoring him is easier said than done. i know that.I wish i did things differently.

    Harley, thanks for your response. i definitely think that this is very draining for both of us. i just really dont want to let go and he always tells me that “he’ll try harder” and that “he hates the thought of losing me”. so i keep playing the game. its just been very hard. do you think that i ask too much? should i have just gone with the flow and been living in the moment and enjoying time with him until he ‘was ready’? i think about that a lot… did i push him away?

    i know he needs to grow up and i know that i need to move on (but its been like this for like 8mnths now, so you can see that moving on is very hard for me).

    comes down to head vs. heart. i’m a smart girl and know what i deserve, but i also love him and want to be with him. ugh.

    #369070

    Harley

    It’s NOT neccessarily about moving on , always, it’s HOW to stop doing the same thing that IS NOT WORKING ! 8 months of this is enough.. it can’t continue.. either mend it and make it work.. or walk away.

    WHAT is his explanation for not having time for a relationship or wanting one with you……..I think that’s bullshit frankly and that he’s using you……keeping you on a string.

    #369071

    Harley

    AND.. how old are you both ? students. working, divorced ??? as it MAY impact on his explanation.

    #369072

    tt

    We are both 27. both have been in relationships before. it might sound like we are childish, but i dont think we are. we dont really fight and we do treat each other with love and respect. what is happening now is not fighting… its more so me not being happy with what he is giving. and he, in turn, hates making me feel that way.

    i guess his excuse is that he doesnt have time to commit to a gf right now. he wants to do stuff with his buddies and still have ‘fun’. we had so much fun together, we were the couple that everyone admired (so i dont really get his excuse there). He said that if he jumps into something that he isnt ready for and in a few months has to break up with me again because he is feeling smothered or its becoming overwhelming… it would devastate him. ( i know it hurt him when he broke up with me the first time so i can understand how it’d be hard to do it again.. he claims it was the hardest thing he had to do).

    to him, being in a relationship is a “serious commitment” and he isnt ready to basically grow up and do it right now.

    everyone says that he’s using excuses to see other girls (basically have his cake and eat it too). but i’m sure that this is not the case. he isnt seeing anyone else, i’m sure of that. he even says “if i were to be in a relationship with anyone, it would be you”

    its just confusing and he’s stubborn (and so am i, i guess)

    #369076

    Harley

    WELL..it’s obvious he felt smothered and overwhelmed as he STATES this.

    HOW have you made him feel like this do you know ?? Can you give short examples ?

    #369084

    tt

    basically what ruined our relationship was that he was feeling overwhelmed (just with me always around…. even though he’d initiate hanging out and loved seeing me). So, in turn he would start to detach himself and want to do more stuff with the guys. i started to feel like he didnt like me anymore since i felt him letting go and not wanting to hang out as much. and i would become upset and sad and told him how i felt. he would reassure me that everything was fine. but i kept getting upset. i’ve grown up a lot since this. guys need their space and it doesnt mean that he stopped loving me or caring about me. he simply wanted to watch the game alone, and i didnt get that. me always getting upset made him feel like he couldnt make me happy and it just took a toll on us and he broke it off. i was foolish and i wish i could’ve changed things. but i cant. he never talked to me about things. never really sat me down and told me that he loves me but sometimes wants to do things alone. so i never understood (again silly). i was just used to our ‘routine’ so when things started changing, i would instantly get alarmed and try to chase him more.

    thats what he’s scared of i guess.

    #369093

    Harley

    ok.. defo sounds like you are pushing him away. You come across as needy and cling, insecure , not confident or independent. ALL of this is a HUGE turn off for men.

    HAVE you a life of your own ? You work I take it ? do you do girl nights out, have hobbies and interests other than him ? GUYS ALWAYS need space.. a girl has to accept that.

    Buy the book by John Grey.. men are from mars, women from venus.. it will teach you a lot on how we are different and how to communicate better/understand guy better.

    Have you read a lot of the articles on here ?? re neediness/insecurity etc

    I suggest you PROVE to him, SHOW him you have changed and GO slow with him. If it doesn’t improve this time round.. give up.

Viewing 25 posts - 51 through 75 (of 1,027 total)

The topic ‘For those who need help with NC and letting go.’ is closed to new replies.

recent topics