For those who need help with NC and letting go.


Home Forums Break Up Advice For those who need help with NC and letting go.

This topic contains 1,026 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  ANM Staff 1 year, 11 months ago.

Viewing 25 posts - 976 through 1,000 (of 1,027 total)
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  • #398461

    Rach

    Hey guys I have found this thread very useful. I am on a ‘break’ with my boyfriend/ex.. Don’t really know what to call us right now. I told him we need a clean two weeks no contact.. It’s been 6 days and man it’s gone slow. I have been so close to just sending him a msg and saying I am thinking about him.. But I know that way I am losing the power of being strong and not contacting him. I feel like I’m not fully moving on because I don’t know what the end result will be. My man is a mess and so confused- I hope he realises he wants to be with me, but he may decide to move on. I wish I was strong enough to walk away, but I love this guy and we are great together!

    #398560

    Khadija

    Hello Rach,
    In my opinion I think you should try going at least 30 days of no contact. This time will give you a chance to clear your head more. Try no to worry about what the end result will be. Just know whatever happens is for the best. If he figures out that you are the woman for him he will make the effort to work on this relationship. However, if nothing is changing then it may be time to move on. Also, try to stay as busy as you can. I know you have read that a million times on this thread but, it really helps to get your mind off your ex. Best wishes!

    #398945

    Jocelyn

    Ok, I posted my story in detail in some thread here but can’t find it anymore… Anyhow I don’t think you need all the details as what we are going through seems to be essentially the same. Long story short, my BF of 4 months wanted to take break (for an undefined period of time, no terms discussed) 3 weeks ago to figure his head and heart out. He’s 32, divorced 4 years ago because he cheated and the way it ended between the two of us included another woman too. When he said he wanted to take a break he also said he probably needs counceling which I thought was a great idea. Our relationship was mostly good, however I did feel sort of insecure a lot. The more I think of what he had, the more I come to see he was making me insecure by being very judgmental and negative. So no, I don’t think we’re a match.

    It’s been 3 weeks and none of us has been reaching out. I told him I wouldn’t wait for him but start moving on straight away – for me this break is a breakup. We do run into each other a few times a week for professional reasons tho, sometimes we just say hello, sometimes he stops to chat, sometimes he flat out ignores me. At first I felt angry and couldn’t stop stalking him but when I started therapy on my own, my therapist said all that anger and stalking was just a way to distract myself from feeling my own feelings and doing the grieving I need to do. So last week I finally gave myself the permission to feel what I was feeling and, big surprise, I’m missing him. A LOT. And yesterday I got back into the stalking mode. I know right after the breakup he was listening to super depressing breakup songs. Now he’s listening to breakup and love songs. He’s on an online dating site but I doubt he’s met anyone new as I probably would’ve heard about it through our common friends and colleagues. Not that I know for sure, of course. Today I had – for the first time! – a strong urge to contact him but managed to snap out of it.

    Can you please tell me to stop what I’m doing? I know all the energy I’m spending on thinking about him and stalking is wasted energy. I know he’s not the one for me, not even close, and even if he did come back, I’m quite sure it wouldn’t work out. Too much baggage on his side. Maybe a little on mine too. But I just miss him so bad!! I know time heals and I know keeping myself busy with stuff that makes me happy helps too. But no matter what I do, he’s on my mind. Please help!!

    #398971

    Khadija

    Dear Jocelyn,
    This guy seems like he has a lot of issues and baggage. He for one cheated on his ex wife and then cheated on you. In my opinion I say thank your luck stars you’re not with this guy. It’s enough to have a boyfriend cheat but, what if he was your husband?

    I’m glad to hear that you are working on you by seeing a therapist.Hopefully he will do the same.

    The stalking must stop because it’s only holding you back from moving on and so what if he is on a dating site. He’s probably looking to prey on more women.

    For now just working on being the best you can be. In time you will attract great energy and a wonderful man. Take care!

    #399810

    Suave

    Million dollar question….been NC for seven weeks now….he is the one that dumped me. Now he sends me a text with a picture of white and pink roses and it says “happy valentines day” and a happy smiley face..,,,,,WTF…,,I’m all confused again….I’m not answering but I need to pick your brains about this. He was done with me….he ended it with a click on the phone …..he is the one that hung up on me and said “I don’t want a relationship anymore…have a nice life” ……. Seven weeks later he sends me a text??????? Is he trying to open up communication with me…..???

    #399812

    Suave

    These crazy guys will drive you crazy …if you let them.

    #399843

    Harley

    Sauve…I bet….He still has the gf.

    my ex came back like this after 7 weeks…It was just an ego boost.

    I’d ignore. he’s testing the water ….If he wanted you back…he’s be interflora- ing real. flowers and card. …or be on your doorstep with same.

    #399883

    Jaylynn

    okay guys, i need some support too and i really hope i get some feedback. this story is really long and i’m sorry, i just hope SOMEONE will take the time to read it and respond to my broken heart. i’m still young, only 19 years old, but i am going through a heartbreak. here’s the story:

    me and my ex dated for 4 years; it was a great relationship; we were each other’s best friends and we had been the power couple at my school, until around christmas 2013, when he developed feelings for another girl and ended things with me. it didnt take long at all for him to come crawling back to me but regardless it was hard on me still; we sent all our last year (2014) of high school together trying sort out whether he wanted me or her and if i would even stick around anymore. when things were over for them, he wanted me again, but not a full commitment, and i was fine with that, i needed to really think about it too.

    we go to the same college and the first thing he tells me after a summer of being basically back together is that he isnt over her. that itself was heartbreaking all over again, and i wanted to distance myself, but he refused to let me go also, he said he still loved me and wished he could make it better for me.

    we remained “friends” (really more than that) and about a month later he was saved by God and became a whole new person, literally, he was so happy and upbeat and always looking for God that i was proud of him; we started getting close again after that and soon he said he missed being with me; obviously i was really hesitant with hearing that and believing that but from october to december he was legit about it; he truly seemed like he wanted me back soon; although we weren’t official, to me it seemed unspoken that we were.

    then once chrismas break started, he kind of stopped giving me attention out of nowhere. he later said it was just him busy with his hometown friends and work but i felt that i should’ve still been on his mind. i asked him about it and he just seemed so uninterested and care-free about it, but it was genuinely hurtful; we were so close just a month ago and now i barely know him. i had it in my head we were going to start to be together in a relationship centered around God; a better relationship than our 4 year relationship. but he wasnt interested or even caring of me over the break. then i see on twitter him telling a girl how attractive she is; like OH you’re already moving on too? (he later told me he was drunk then, but that’s still disrespectful to me). the next day, he texts me saying he can’t help he doesnt love me the same that i do him, and that he’s only human and that i need prayer. so his number gets blocked at that point. NC.

    a week and a half goes by, new semester has started. he realizes his number is blocked so he emails me, and before i even read it he shows up at my dorm. he stays for about 3 hours, just having small talk with me. i was waiting for him to say something important but he didn’t. he did the same thing for the next few days, just acting like nothing had happened. one day he even tried snuggling and kissing me (i pushed him off several times). it was all so confusing. so last weekend, i had finally had enough of him being so confusing so i told him if he didn’t actually have intentions on being with me then to leave me alone completely until i was okay with him moving on. it’s been a week, and there’s already been some contact. not anything important, but still.

    what i’m wondering is should i just let him talk to me if he wants, and not worry about what happens or how it happens or should i do my very very very best to completely NC? i know it sounds crazy, but i still have all the feelings and desire to date him, and even though he apparently does not, i’m still hoping. what’s the best thing for me to do?

    (telling me to just move on will not work; one does not simply “move on”)

    #399905

    Suave

    Jaylynn. … YES…absolutely, people DO move on. And I recommend that you do the same. You and he are so so young, and for you to be uncertain about moving on….is just going to give you more heart ache. He sounds very immature, and he does not know what he wants. You are so young in college, you will meet someone that will appreciate you and love you for who you are. In the meantime….absolutely NO CONTACT…..he has been with you and has left and been back so many times. You were together since you were 15 yrs old…that is way too young….and people that young do change. It is obvious he will do it again. Don’t fall for it anymore. You got so much to look forward to. Just focus on your life, your studies, your family, your friends that really love you.

    #399906

    Suave

    You do not deserve that kind of treatment. I know it’s hard, but we have all done it. And we are better because we had NC with our exes. Stay on this site….and you will see everyone will tell you the same thing. Hugs!

    #399908

    Jaylynn

    i just can’t wrap my head around it, i can’t just move on like you say because i’ve been trying to do so since the official break up in 2013. it’s really hurtful for me because i know i’m young, and i have my whole life ahead of me but i’m hurting now and i have to get through this; it’s been a really significant impact on my life. the excuse can’t just be because i’m too young or he is or whatever; i don’t feel like that’s an excuse

    #399910

    Jaylynn

    i’m just having a hard time with him not trying to be there in my life when we were best friends; we grew up together. i know i shouldn’t hope for anything but i hope one day (sooner than later) we can reconnect.

    #399919

    Ms H

    Honey, STAY in NC. I cannot stress this enough. You’re so young and have the world at your feet. He’s a YOYO and no one has time for that.
    I just cut a guy off for good, it’s been a month of NC. Even if he has tried to contact I wouldn’t know as he is blocked from everything I can think of that he is on with me hahahahaha.
    AND in that time, a guy whose liked me for ages, professed his feelings for me. I let him know I received the message but I am sitting back a wee bit because I don’t want this to be “rebound” on my part. We are going to hang out as friends. I’d rather be friends right now anyway, but I do see potential.
    We all deserve people in our lives who adore us as much as we do them.

    #399982

    Claire

    So I have some news for you all. My ex got re-engaged to his ex fiance.

    We were supposed to be moving in together just six months ago and he tried to come back to me four months ago.

    She broke the engagement off last time. They have a date set for the end of next year.

    Does anyone else think this is bonkers?

    #399994

    bella

    Well, today is day 1 we talked yday, i’m so done with him. Hurts like hell, keep hoping he would reach out but I know there’s no point cos even tho he does he’s not ready for commitment so I’m just going to keep up with the NC well, here’s to day 1. Hope tomorrow feels better.

    #399995

    Harley

    Aww Claire. ..hugs. that is so awful…but not surprising in hindsight.

    I’m not so sure it’s bonkers. …they had history and perhaps never got over their past.

    I do agree that they don’t seem to be a good match…so that is bonkers…but …then again…maybe they have sorted their differences out.

    It’s horrid for you…but see it as a nail in the coffin and defo moving on time.

    massive massive kisses going your way.

    #399996

    bella

    Well, today is day 1 we talked yday, i’m so done with him. Hurts like hell, keep hoping he would reach out but I know there’s no point cos even tho he does he’s not ready for commitment so I’m just going to keep up with the NC well, here’s to day 1. Hope tomorrow feels better. I wish I could meet someone new.

    #400047

    Claire

    Thanks Harley, just seems kindof fast considering the history of it all but I guess that proves my theory on how impulsive he is. If it were upto him we’d have kids by now, he races at everything 100 mile an hour. I don’t really care too much what happens either way but will be interesting to see if it comes off this time. I guess I won’t know anyway, like you said, chapter closed. Time to stop checking what he’s doing.

    #400056

    Harley

    Who knows..maybe there’s a reason for the fastness . maybe …they don’t wish to waste any more time. Maybe other reasons. .who knows. but yep…try not to care anymore. put all memories of him in a box and put it away. ditch any contact details. consider. ..not having anymore contact with his family. …they are now a casualty of your old relationship. you don’t need to hear talk of marriage and babies over the next while….sorry to have to point that out now ! If you found out by fb about the engagement. …block all of this now.. it’s for your own good.

    #400065

    Claire

    I know, I just feel like he wasted all of my time. I waited for the guy for almost a year while he was away with the forces, could he not have ended things before he went. Anyway, I can’t get that time back so there’s no point worrying about it. I feel a mug for sending him the watch insurance now, but I guess that was a nice thing to do. I have no regrets in the way I treated him and that’s something I can take away. I was always loyal and honest and true to myself. That’s all I can ask of myself. I have to be at peace with that.

    Thanks for your support Harley as always, you’ve really helped me out through what was a very difficult time. If / when I meet someone new I’ll come back and post and keep you updated.

    Hugs xxx

    #400077

    Brittany

    Anyone else trying no contact right now.

    #400088

    Jay

    so last weekend i told my ex that if he didn’t have any intentions on being with me then he needed to leave me alone, NC, until i was okay with him moving on and being with someone else (which i will probably never be okay with); however, we’ve already had small talk one day. we both attend college and we have a class together, so it’s already hard enough as is for me. i’ve been so upset and so emotionally drained from this break up and i know for now it’s best to go NC, but i still hope we can reconnect and start something better in the future.

    i literally sat down today in an empty room and told myself “jay, you can’t change his mind, you can’t make him want you right now, and maybe never again. you can’t do anything about the circumstances unless you keep trying to talk to him and keep trying to get him to try to make things work–which won’t work. so what you CAN do, is just accept it, pray about it, and be patient, because something new is coming along anyways; maybe it’ll be with him, maybe it’ll be someone new, but for now, you can only worry about college, work and family, so do that, and forget him for now. if it’s meant to be, it will be.”

    saying all of that to myself out loud might make me sound crazy, but it HONESTLY was so helpful after this week of just being exhausted from caring about whether or not me & him would even talk. PATIENCE is key

    #400097

    Ruth

    I don’t know if this counts as “no contact,” but it falls into “letting go”…I was on my way to work a few days ago and have really been crushing on a guy. We have talked a bit (meaning, he talks to me first, I don’t initiate), but he has absolutely no idea of how I feel. I stopped in Duane Reade and looked at all of the Valentine’s Day cards. I bought one, thinking of him, got to work, took the card out of the plastic bag, read through it without signing it, put the card in the envelope and sealed it shut. Then I locked it in my desk.

    I was away last weekend. When I got back I saw group e-mail he sent out saying that he would be taking an extra day attached to the holiday weekend. Five minutes before leaving I read through his e-mail again, thought about wishing him a nice weekend and then powered down the computer without writing anything to him. Then I unlocked my desk, took out the card, and put it in my purse.

    I went to the ladies’ room, went into one of the stalls, ripped up the card and threw it in the tampon disposal unit.

    I am trusting that he will continue talking to me as he has without me doing anything. I’m just writing to see if anyone else has done what I’ve done – the card unsent, the e-mail unsent. I’d like to know I’m not alone in feeling this way…

    #400103

    Ruth

    Hi Jaylynn,

    I read through your story, and hope that you’re ok.

    When I was your age, I had a high school boyfriend that I got back together with just before we went up to college. We had been together during junior year; I broke up with him; he went out with someone else and they broke up right before we graduated.

    Anyway, we both wound up going to different colleges. We talked about that over the summer before college and we came to the agreement that now that we were going away, we could date other people. So I did, but he didn’t.

    I went home and wound up telling him that I met someone else,but we still agreed to date. And for all of freshman year, I had two boyfriends; the one from home, and one from college. I suppose all of this was made simpler by the fact that I was not sexually involved with either one, but romantically attached to both.

    At any rate, I went home for the summer, and my boyfriend from home broke up with me. Then, my college boyfriend got a job driving close to where I lived, once a week, to deliver produce from a farm. My dad was strict; he would not let me see my college boyfriend. Of course, he was angry, because he had taken the job so that we wouldn’t be apart for the entire summer. In fact, it annoyed him enough so that when we went back to school, he broke up with me.

    So, I went from two boyfriends, to none. But the reason I am telling you this story is: life is very fluid, and you don’t know what will happen. But what I do know is that breakups are painful, no matter what age you are. If you are able to see a college advisor about getting some help to get through this rough time, please, do so. Going into a room to talk to a stranger so that you can vent, cry, and feel better will really help and let you know that you’re not alone. Also, if you are able to, and have things that you like to do outside of classes (athletics, music, hobbies, etc.), it will be hard at first, but pick one thing and try it, even if it’s for 10 minutes. If there are other friends who can do these things with you, that’s even better.

    You are not alone, your feelings are real, and everyone goes through this. 999 posts on this conversation thread pretty much prove that.

    Best wishes, stay well, and let us know how you are doing.

    Ruth

    #400106

    Bree

    Someone suggested this to me, so I thought I would share. Go to “you tube” and search for Matthew Hussey video’s – there are a few about how to get over a break up and how to move on that you might find helpful. Also some good dating tips to get started with someone new. I thought they were very helpful.

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