For those who need help with NC and letting go.


Home Forums Break Up Advice For those who need help with NC and letting go.

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  • #367510

    Claire

    Hi Ladies,

    I’m 11 days in!!! Going to treat myself at 15 days – need to think of a good treat!! Then i’ll do something nice at 30 days too. If I decide to make contact it’s going to be 40 days or longer now as i’ve decided to wait until after my friends halloween party so we can celebrate my no contact and getting over him there! My friend know about this so I can’t let her down… champagne at the ready! haha!

    His Mum and sister still talk to me which is a little difficult but I don’t think they mention me to him at all and i’m always careful not to reveal anything too personal to them. His sister sent me through her wedding album last night and it was a little sad seeing pictures of him in there but I managed. I can’t really cut his mum and sister out of my life and I don’t want to but during this NC period I have allowed them to initiate any contact rather than the other way around. They have both said they’d like to meet with me and catch up which is fine and i’ll probably go at the end of my NC period but I’ll just have to accept that our relationships may be something that fizzles out if the ex or I meet someone new.

    His ex (prior to me) is still hanging around like a bad smell ‘liking’ every family photo and comment made on Facebook. I’d love to know what the hell has gone on there. Whatever has happened she doesn’t seem to want to let it go. I did some stalking back through Facebook and realised that they have made friends on and off on there several times over the last few years – one of the times was a couple of months before he met me and I know she had a boyfriend at this time. Maybe they’ve always and some weird on-off relationship. It just makes me want to stay out of it more. If it were me i’d either leave things well alone and move on or just sort it out. I guess that’s proof that no contact is the way forward – staying in touch with exes just keeps you stuck in the past and makes things messy.

    Overall I think i’m doing much better. I’m still going through the up and down grieving process now communication has been completely cut (I wish we would have done this months ago – but what breakup isn’t messy). After I dive on a Thursday I always feel so much better. It’s such a huge distraction and really helps me to put my focus elsewhere. The feeling continued into Friday and I felt great all day. I was really busy with my new job too which helped. I felt a few pangs of missing him on Saturday. I went on a hen do and Saturday night and then came home yesterday and was quite tearful for most of the day. I think this might have had something to do with the hangover, being on my own, and not having a lot to do.

    At the minute i’m still checking out his Facebook daily – I need to stop this. I went for a week without checking at one point until he contacted me last time around so I know I can do! I

    I will kick this!!!!

    Had a few hotties finally come through on the dating website too – I was starting to give up hope! I’ll let you know how things progress.

    For all of those doing NC – whenever I want to contact him I google ‘why I shouldn’t contact my ex’ and after reading a few articles on the subject I can see why it isn’t a good idea. He rejected me, he isn’t fighting for me, so why the hell would I chase after him? I’m sure there’s loads of amazing men out there who would bite their arm off (well maybe no going that far haha) to date me so why should I go after one who can’t even stick around. The fact that he came back – declared his undying love AND STILL walked away again shows he’s a complete flake. And I just don’t have time for flakey people in my life. Like Mel says “I love myself more”.

    Right…i’m off to start planning something good for my 15 day mark! woohoo!

    #367511

    Harley

    Keep up the good work Claire. I.would block him on fb…If you really want to move on..you can always unblock in a few mths when you feel better..Mike blocked me and it was the best thing that happened. .He has unblocked me now. ..but I don’t even bother looking. There’s no going back for me….so why look..He still tries the odd bit of contact. ..liking my posts. ..posting to a mutual friend as soon ad I post to that friend but I ignore. Fb….had me obsessed. It is vicious. I have cut back a lot on how much I go on it….so should you. …ex that friends/unfriends/re friends. ..I wonder about ???? Sometimes it’s out if old times sake…genuine friendship…..Most times not.

    Stay strong. I am fine. Ticking along nicely. I don’t want a man that doesn’t want me. Simple as.

    #367527

    Sherri

    Claire just a heads up … it took me 4 months to get over a guy I was dating for 1 month. I just realised that it has been a year since I started dating him. The good thing there though was that after I got over him, he contacted me to grab lunch. I went as I really wanted to test and see if I was over him. And I was!!! He had a couple of things which I had lent him, which he gave me. We made contact a bit after that and then it fizzled out again.

    I saw him on the dating site that I am on recently and it didn’t phase me out one bit. He was a nice guy and I hope he finds what he is looking for.

    #367692

    Claire

    Thanks Harley & Sherri!,

    I’ve been really struggling not to contact him over the last 24hrs! I need a slap in the face. I’m just left so confused about things. If he would have walked away and kept walking then I think it would be easier to move on, but him coming back and saying he wanted to work things out has really thrown me and it’s making it hard for me to let go. How could he come back and say all those things about working it out and then turn around and walk away again. I know it’s because we had that row and he thinks I will never let things with him and the ex go. He kept saying “your head obviously isn’t in this” – which is wahat he did after the initial breakup – turned it back on me. And then his final text message was written as if he was doing me a favour “I’ll leave you alone and let you get on with your life”. I just don’t get it! I wish I wasn’t so confused. I wish we could have had a calm conversation without arguing.

    I keep wanting to reach out for answers.

    #367693

    Harley

    Claire…stop it. It’s going round in circles all the time.he makes vague comments to mess with your head and reel you back.in.

    LET IT GO.

    A guy who REALLY wants to work it out…comes back with a definitive and definite plan of action…not vague comments..military men work to a structured life. STOP letting him affect you.

    #367764

    Tasha Boston

    I just got broken up with last night. Need some insight as to what’s next. Need advice

    #367784

    Harley

    Tasha,,, there IS no next. I’s over. Just get through it day to day and cry like the rest of us.

    #367791

    Tasha

    Thanks Harley, I’m gonna try the NC,I know I can get over him,it’s hard and I haven’t cried yet,is that bad or normal?

    #367794

    Harley

    normal.. can take days or weeks to cry.some don’t cry at all.

    #367795

    Zehada

    I had the too far too fast too much chemistry situation, after 6 weeks he said he just wanted friendship, so we went to the movies as friends but he acted like it was a date (taking my hands across the table, stroking my thigh and holding hands in movie). I was so confused and called him out on it, he said he couldn’t help it but still only wanted to be friends. I instigated NC to help the chemistry calm down. I made contact after 30 days and he asked to meet that day, I was busy so left it to him to agree another day, a week later he text again asking to meet that same night. As I wasn’t busy i said yes, spookily the “drink” turned into a re-creation of our 1st date right down to him wanting to share the same meal (I declined that!) He spent the night referencing previous intimate times between us and suggesting a future for us. I stayed neutral through confusion! He said he would like to see me again. Hadn’t heard for a few days but I wanted his help with my car so I text him asking if he would help, he instantly replied yes and questioned what I needed. I replied…..that was 5 days ago and I have heard nothing since. Why do they play such games?

    After the NC I was hoping we could start again, but slower this time, but his lack of contact after giving such mixed messages just makes me angry with myself for letting him get to me. NC and moving on I hope will be much easier now.

    #367796

    Ann

    Tasha, the first 3 weeks or so are the worst. Your body is going to literally go through withdrawal. Oxytocin, Dopamine, all of those chemicals will make you feel like a junkie. Just do things that bring you comfort. Surround yourself with people who understand you. You really need to put yourself first now. Don’t stalk him on social media, take him out of your phone, delete him from your life, all reminders. Time heals sweetie. It does. You will have grown, when it is all said and done, and the right guy for you will make you understand why the wrong guys were not right.

    #367798

    Tasha

    All reminders were deleted and thrown out last night. I keep telling my subconscious to mind her business,lol.. I know I’ll get thru this,distraction and healing is all I know right now. Thanks for the advice Ann :-)

    #367799

    Ann

    Try to put all of your energy on what you want YOUR life to be….don’t worry about changing the past. It will be ok Tasha.

    #367853

    Lane

    Claire, I know deep down inside we HOPE they will see the light and cone running back to us, but you need to truly ask yourself is this the type of man what you had what you really want long term? I had to struggle with this too after a 20 year marriage, but as TIME passes it becomes easier and eventually you will think of him less and less.

    You need some time to focus on you right now and although it didn’t work out, its OK, it just means someone better is waiting for the opportunity to meet you :-)

    #367854

    Lane

    Side note: don’t post when you went out and had a few drinks :oP

    #367869

    Elizabeth

    Here’s one for you girls. Let’s see if any of you can make sense of my crazy! Intro: meet guy/younger-too younger/know better per-sues *hard core* and boy is he wooonderful!!! Everything there, kindness, thinks of me when I’m not around, always texting me, buying me candy, telling me how beautiful I am,(even gave me a song!) Helps w/ laundry, plays with my kid, etc. This guy is almost too good to be true except the age thing. Well I establish from the get-go that he’s too young, I have serious reservations, and I’m not looking for serious. He concurs yet constantly vies for my attention/affection- can’t keep off me. Once I FINALLY let him kiss me-It was kind of on like Donkey Kong from there. And OMG the sexual compatibility was probably neck-n-neck the best I’ve EVER had. There’s no way he was so good and that young! Well long before I gave in and did the naughty with him- he was so intimate and he told me so much about him and he spent so much time learning about me and one of the things was that he said “I value your friendship”- he said he didn’t want me to think he was just after sex. Well after we have sex- he and I have a talk and he tells me he isn’t into sharing and I agree so we agree that while we are still technically single- we won’t be sleeping w/ anyone else. Like exclusive FWBs… Well he hints a couple times about ‘establishing’ what we are, and a couple times I give him the buzzer. Literally! “Mmmmmmeeerrrp!!!(buzzer)” Well to make a long story short…suddenly after a few days of intense sex AND lovemaking (he made sure to let me know that he was doing something different for me)…..he ghosts. Boom. Won’t return my texts or messages on FB. I make it known to him that he is hurting my feelings by being a jerk, but when he gave weak minimal response- I quit talking to him cold. dead. silent. 2 days later- he posts on FB that he has a girlfriend!!!! And to top it off- seems as though he did sort of the same with another girl when he met me-only I wouldn’t acquiesce to his not so subtle, implied desire to hold a title. Talked to the other girl and she admitted they weren’t actually together. Technically he didn’t do anything wrong because I told him no to a relationship. I just realized that I was more invested than I wanted to admit. And now he’s in another girls bed and it makes me CRAZY. I’m going on 2 weeks NC. It usually takes a guy about 3 to realize “Oh S#!+….she’s not calling. I miss her…” but, he has an easy distraction now. So what I’m trying to figure out is- did he really care for me but, his need to be in a relationship led him to *find one*? Or was he playing me like an out of tune banjo? (One more tid-bit that bugged me was- they already had “matching t-shirts that were obviously special made- granted that can be done in a day…3 max…still.) He’s very intimate and attentive by nature, but REALLY? That is borderline overdoing it….no…it’s overkill. Definitely overkill. That’s one step behind getting each other’s names tatted on your A$$es!!! Lol

    #368060

    Pixie

    I’m 34 hours in NC it’s so hard. I looked at all the pros and cons of our relationship and realized I’ve been wanting out for some time but it all finally broke when I caught him in a lie. I walked out upset after 31/2 years he does this to me. I almost broke down and called him last night but didn’t because I know me and I would probably run back I know he isn’t right for me with 30 cons and no pros. I know it’s over. It’s just so hard.

    #368096

    Nadia

    hey ladies,

    what a great thread! there’s nothing better than seeing women supporting each other.

    just a quick question: what do you guys feel indicates more that you don’t care and you’re moving on; to remove/block your partner on social media or to keep him around and act like his presence doesn’t bother you?

    #368099

    Mel

    Why should it matter, it isn’t what you are trying to prove to the guy it is what you are doing for yourself. So it doesn’t matter what he thinks.

    #368245

    Claire

    Yep, I agree with Mel, you should be doing what’s best for you, not what’s going to have the most impact on him. You could waste all your energy posting pics, trying to make him jealous etc on social media and he might not even be looking at your profile, he could have hidden you from his newsfeed for all you know – what a total waste of your precious time that could have been better spent elsewhere. If you do things to try and get at him you’ll just burn yourself out and end up feeling stupid.

    Today is my 15 day mark. Sadly i’m sat at home with a cold. I’ve ended up sat here feeling a bit weepy, but I think it’s because i’m not well and also it’s nearing the time of the month. I’m sure i’ll bounce back next week. I need to shift this cold as my final open water dive is next weekend and I won’t be able to do it if i’m unwell. I don’t want to push it back further as the weather is starting to turn really cold now! Argh! I must be mad diving in a lake in winter! haha!

    I’m still struggling with the questions…

    – Did he leave me for her?
    – Did he never get over her?
    – Does he still love her?
    – Did he love her more than me?

    I saw some more pictures of when they were together over the summer – he’s kissing her and has his arms around her on nearly every photo. None of our photos are like that. He looks so much more into her then he was me. I guess he must have been as he proposed to her.

    I think I just want to know if i’m making this up in my head or if it’s real. I’m still processing it all and questioning what the hell went on.

    Anyway, what I do know is that I deserve someone who wants to chase me and date me and who has me as their number one. I don’t want someone who has a complicated situation with their ex, which is really what he has I guess. If he wanted to work it out he would have been open about it instead of telling me it was none of my business what went on while we weren’t together. I can understand that, but if he really wanted to get back with me then he should have respected that I wanted to understand what had happened and why, and I guess his unwillingness to do that and to choose to walk away instead speaks volumes. He also told me I was too good for him. To me that suggests he knows his behaviour has been off. Maybe I hit the nail on the head when I called him out on it and that’s why he’s buggered off. It’s crappy flakey behaviour anyway. He didn’t step up to the mark.

    It’s just sad because I feel nothing we had was real. While I was creating happy memories was he just thinking of her? I’m sad to think I waited all of 9months for this guy, but I was in love and at least I have shown how faithful and loyal I am even if he could not.

    #368250

    Harley

    We all think like that Claire…but we have to stop it…The thinking does us no good. Some things just don’t work out for a variety of reasons. There is no point in us crying over spilt milk. As you say…He did not treat you right in the end. So…for both of us…onto the next guy….when we recover. Pamper yourself for the weekend. I mix a little lemon juice…ginger and 2 spoons of honey with a little hot water and drink every few hours. It really clears a head cold…and fairly cheap.

    Lots of love.

    #368253

    Claire

    Thanks Harley, i’ll try the cold remedy. Yep, i’m just going to have to be kind to myself. It’s almost like i’m going through a brand new grieving process now as he didn’t stop contacting me until this point. So I guess I should be kind to myself and realise that although we’ve been apart for over 3 months this is a new stage and time for really letting go. This will be the longest we haven’t spoken for. My emotions of grief are still all over the place. I can be angry about it in the morning, want him back in the afternoon and then couldn’t care less before going to bed. I guess it’s just continuing to ride the storm until all these emotions have settled.

    I’ve been chatting to guys online but I just don’t feel ready for dating yet. I feel somewhat deflated and I don’t think I can be attractive to anyone until I get my bounce back. I’m hoping I don’t feel like this for too long.

    You’re right thinking is no good. I think wayyyy too much. My friends always tell me this. Everytime I drift off thinking about things i’m going to have to get into the habit of doing something to keep busy instead. At the end of the day, it’s only our own thoughts that keep us in this state. no one is making us feel this way but ourselves and I don’t want the pain to drag out any longer than necessary.

    #368265

    celesteannv

    Claire,
    My break with R was not drawn out like yours, but I still obsessed and over thought for MONTHS. It is worse as you are hormonal and sick too. Work on getting you better. Block him from social media so you do not torment yourself. I was luck there as R was a Luddite with social media.
    Heal.. plan for your dive and chat with the boys.. that in itself can be healing. You will know when you are ready to get out there again. Hugs.

    #368272

    buttercup

    Claire, I’m totally with you!

    Over thinking drives me crazy!

    I’m two months into my split now, and its still in my head most of the time. The thoughts vary, from anger, and missing him, to hating him, back to still loving him.

    This man has been in my brain continuously for nearly two years. I doubt 5 minutes pass where he doesnt pop into my head.

    He’s been in there so long he’s taken up permanent tenancy I think!

    The thoughts are no less now. It drives me insane!

    #368283

    Juliette

    Claire,
    NC is intended to help YOU get over the habit of communicating with him as well as to help YOU get over the emotional/chemical response you have to him. Part of making NC successful is NOT LOOKING AT THEIR SOCIAL MEDIA. Everytime you do this you are back to square one. What you are doing is not technically NC. NC is completely eliminating them from your daily life and habits with the intention of GETTING OVER THEM.

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