For those who need help with NC and letting go.


Home Forums Break Up Advice For those who need help with NC and letting go.

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Viewing 25 posts - 926 through 950 (of 1,027 total)
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  • #394345

    Suave

    Banana. Go to the party with the intention of having fun and hanging out with friends…..not with the intention of seeing him. Do not look at him or try to find him at the party…..pretend he doesn’t exist. If a guy asks you out to dance…dance with him. Just have fun….you have to stick with the NC for 90 days. If he talks to you don’t be rude but just act like he is a stranger…. Don’t give him any attention whatsoever. Let him think you are fine with the breakup. I know it will be hard and you’ll be wanting to hug him and kiss him since you miss him so much. He has shown you in more ways than one he is not interested in a relationship with you….you don’t want to be with some one that does not want to be with you…stop thinking about a possible future with hi ….since he said “maybe in the future”. What the h…. Does that mean? He is not worth you thinking about. I’m so sorry your in pain, but BE strong as time moves on it will get better. This was not a good relationship any ways….do you really want a future with someone that plays video games all day? You could do so much better and you will move on and heal from this guy and you will meet someone special…trust me you will. Have fun at the party and remember your worth how special you are and how beautiful you are inside and out…..have fun…hope this helps.

    #394604

    Banana

    I know. But how can someone love you one day and message you every single day for 6 months prior and then the next day be so cold…unconcerned and indifferent. I thought we had something special. We thought we had something special. It’s so hard to beleive that he doesn’t give a single shit about me anymore. I just wish i knew what he was thinking. Prior to calling him I texted him to send me my stuff back and he never did…but he replied and said sure. So i dont know what is going on. He broke up with me but unfortunately Im the one left loving him and him hating me… Did I do anything wrong? Was I that needy? I feel like it is all my fault and right now I feel like if he showed any signs of interest I would get back with him even though I know i shouldnt. My feelings are so overwhelming sometimes but he hasn’t done anything remotely close to seeing how I am since we broke up… I know its over….it’s painful. Its hard to see there being a light at the end of the tunnel…I try to stay optimistic about it all but I can’t… I feel like I’m lost. I dont want to fall in love ever again because Im never taking the risk of going through hell ever again.

    #394756

    Lynn

    Boyfriend and I just broke up today…about to start NC. We’ve broken up before a couple times (I don’t know what our problem is, we just aren’t compatible I guess) but all I want to do is cry. It’s hard to know that he just won’t be a part of my life any more.

    #394934

    Suave

    Hi banana
    I know it’s hard to believe that this will get better…..don’t be frustrated wondering what he is thinking. Who cares what he is thinking. Stay on this thread….when I first got on this thread…I saw no hope in feeling better. I was sooo in love with my ex I could not imagine living my life without him. He was a jerk and broke up with me a day before Xmas eve….I was devastated. But Harley, buttercup and a few others helped me. Being on this thread helped me like you have no idea. Ventilate here what your feelings are.,,we will help you through this. I know this is hard…but remember we all have gone through this and we have moved on and you will too. Just stay busy. Absolutely no contact with this guy. You will fall in love again….I know you will. But you have to go thru the process of letting go which involves soooo much pain. Hang in there I wish I could be with you to give you a hug…..

    #394936

    Suave

    One more thing…..you will hear again from this guy. They usually contact first.

    #394940

    Banana

    Suave.
    I can’t thank you enough for your kind words. I’ve read this from page 1 to page 38 and everyone seems to feel better each day-day by day. I’m keeping myself busy. I know I will see him again at the party and who knows how I will feel down the track in a months time. 2 weeks away from Valentine’s Day…it’s daunting thinking of another year without anything from anyone LOL. but I’ll keep posting here. I’ve been writing a journal everyday from Day 1 to Day 29 now with how I feel about him. I’m going to post it on a blog of some sort so girls can read and relate how they are feeling. I think that will help others and myself.

    Lynn. I’m sorry to hear that. It’s a hard time and its normal to grieve. I watched some videos on youtube which were comforting. It is by “Wong Fu Productions” and its called “After Us” and “Stranger’s Again” and its normal to cry. I cried everyday for a week and cried intermittently there after. It’s normal. all normal.

    #394945

    Suave

    So sorry to hear that Lynn….but I’m sure he will contact you. If he doesn’t maybe this is the time that you can take away from the relationship so you can figure out what kept causing the breakups between you two. I too went thru so many breakups with my ex but we kept coming back time after time…then this last time he broke up with me….I think it’s for good though…..I’m happy it happened…it was time. One thing for sure is that you should never have to work hard in a relationship. If your working too hard then there is something wrong with the relationship. The early phase of any relationship should give you feelings of excitement, happiness, joy ….not anxiety or stress. If your breaking up there is probably a good reason… Listen to your gut feeling….maybe it’s not meant to be…..don’t dwell so much on how much you will miss him. Just continue the NC rule…you will be fine.

    #395111

    Trish

    Without going into great detail: I’m doing No Contact on a guy who isn’t currently willing to take things any further.

    Rules are: if he contacts me with an expressed desire to talk about our relationship, I will respond. Otherwise, I have to stay strong. I’ll check in when I can.

    Here goes:
    Day 1 of 60

    #395126

    ivy

    Trish, Assume that he won’t change his mind and fill your next 60 days with self-care, being healthy, having fun with friends. I like it that you are being proactive with your NC strategy in case he reaches out, that is super smart. I’d also advise deleting his number from your phone so you don’t text him, you can remember his area code for id purposes. Also delete any texts or call history from him. Good luck and hang in there :)

    #395181

    Lynn

    Today was horrible. He left my stuff on the porch and texted me to tell me it was there. I didn’t reply. As im typing this he just texted me “can I ask you a question” and I said “sure,”…he asked why I unfriended him on fb. I hate this. I feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest

    #395204

    Suave

    I know the feeling. Did you answer him?

    #395235

    Lynn

    I replied “Bc it’s too hard,” and he said “alright.” We used to text like, all day every day. And we’ve broken up before and he always sends I miss you texts. Not this time. Bc I guess it’s really over. I feel so alone.

    #395394

    Suave

    No….your not alone….believe me. All of us are going thru the same thing, and we are not alone. Stick to this thread and you will soon find out that you are not alone. Anytime you want to contact him, come on this thread for help. This helped me a great deal. Just take this as a break….find out what went wrong. Remember, without contacting him, of course. If he really misses you he will come back and maybe in the future you can try again, but you need to sort out why you were fighting too much. Remember you should never work at a relationship especially in the early phase of the relationship. Get busy doing something…..be happy without him…,stay close to family and friends.

    #395405

    Trish

    Well that didn’t last long:

    Day 2/60 – he says ‘let’s just be friends’

    I say Absolutely No Way, Not What I’m After, Thanks, but No Thanks: goodbye.

    It felt sort of empowering, to be honest.

    Clock resets:
    Day 1/60.

    #395441

    Suave

    Good job Trish…..woohoo! It is very empowering.

    #395454

    Lola

    We are in LDR and agreed on texting every day at least but it’s been two days that he hasnt contacted me, so I’m trying not to contact him at all …it’s hard though

    #395557

    Banana

    One month today.
    It does get better.
    Urge to contact is getting less.
    Keeping myself busy.
    Not thinking of him as much.
    He hasn’t bothered to contact.
    He hasn’t sent my stuff which I asked back for and he said he would.
    Don’t really care much for it.
    Still miss him though but that would take time…
    Even though i wish he never broke up with me.
    I’ve learnt to live without him. Even though I’d much prefer him to be in my life.
    I still think of our memories and happy times together. I miss that. Still miss the routine…
    Still wish that he would call me today or the next or the one after that. Still hoping but i shouldn’t expect anything.
    I wonder how he feels. His done well with NC.

    #395583

    Poison

    This thread does make me feel like I’m not alone after all.

    It has been more than 2 weeks since he last contacted me. He asked for a cooling off period/break which did not specify how long will it last. I’m in a LDR with him and things have been going very well for us. We have been together for almost 5 years.

    One day I was discussing with him about a meet up in march and at that time, he was recovering from a slight fever and cold and he said he did not want to think about it yet as it’s still long until march. I got very sad as I wanted to see him in march as it will be our 5th anniversary. Then I was saying why does it feel like I’m a burden for him to make effort to meet me.

    Then he went on and question if it is good for us to be so far apart. It’s actually not that far.. Just an hour flight away or 5 hours ride away. He started to say that he feels something is missing but he can’t tell what it is, so perhaps we should stop contacting with each other and reconfirm our feelings. He said that he knows it’s hard and that I need time to understand myself and adapt.

    I’m really confused as he said this will not be the last time we’ll be having a talk. And he said we shall keep in contact until we both know what we want for our future and soul mate.

    3 days later, he texted to see how was I. I told him life has been hard and I thought of it and know what I wanted. He felt I’m just rushing my decision and he said he’s not setting any time limit as he wants us to take our time to think through. He went on to ask me to enjoy being single, cause he said technically I’m single now and I can do something that I always wanted to do. He also said he doesn’t feel a difference with being single or attached as he can’t just ask me out whenever he wants to.

    I got very heartbroken and I told him if he feels happier without me I will let go but if he still wants to work on it, he’ll have to allow me 2 more years to move to his country. He told me he doesn’t know and it shouldn’t be like a negotiation. I told him maybe he can find someone that can fill his missing part and he told me that is not important now as he is still thinking about our relationship at this point. So he’s giving me mixed signals and left me hanging wondering if he is gone forever or he will be back.

    He said he sometimes feel selfish and feels that I will be happier without him and that he kept questioning how sure I am that he is the one for me or the suitable one for me. And he even said I can be happy now cos technically we are still dating. But what if we settled down, he questioned if I will still dare to say he is the one.

    I don’t know why is he thinking so much and I’m very lost but I feel if time is what he needs, I will respect his need. But how long will this no contact be? Everyday is like a living torture to me and even though it has been slightly more than 2 weeks, I still go to sleep with tears and wake up feeling depressed and heartbroken. Although I have been keeping myself busy with work, whenever I’m left alone, my mind starts to think about him.

    What should I do? I really have the urge to just send him a msg and ask him what does he want but I know that might just push him further away. I feel I just need an answer now.

    #395587

    Suave

    Yes, Lola …it’s the hardest thing to go through. Keep up the good work with NO CONTACT…..it’s like a DEATH ….A LOSS…..and it feels just awful…you don’t want to wake up in the morning. But it gets better.

    #395591

    Suave

    Poison….5 years is a long time. Ask yourself this question…. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone that you’ve been with a long time and all of a sudden he doesn’t know what he wants or he’s not sure he wants you? If he’s behaving this way NOW…how do you think he will behave when you are married. This is very telling what he did…,he is showing you what your future will be like….a lot of uncertainty……anxiety you don’t need in your life. If you don’t hear from him wanting to work things out……Stay No Contact and Move On. 5 years…..and all of a sudden he doesn’t know now what he wants? Yuck….I know it must hurt….and I’m so sorry. One question?.. During those 5 years did he ever mention marriage or moving closer?..I’m wondering why after 5 years you guys haven’t made an effort to move closer to each other?

    #395597

    Poison

    Suave, we started off 2 years together while studying until I have to return to my home country for work and him to his country. I have a bond of 6 years with my employer. So I can’t leave until I fulfill it. During those 5 years, he did said that he wished that I’m over but he knows I have my bond too. So while we are trying to discuss future, he will say it’s too early to talk as I still have few years of bond to go. He said when the time comes then we shall discuss.

    It does hurt, more so when he said this feeling of something is missing has been emerging on and off for the past few years. It’s just that recently we had a false alarm scare that it got more into him. Is that all of the sudden he’s afraid of committing?

    I feel like I can’t move on without a closure and I don’t know how long am I got to wait. If he’s not making contact, does it mean he has not got a resolution yet? He said we can’t figure things out together as he is the one feeling something is missing and not me.. I’m so lost.

    #395718

    Trish

    Poison – sorry to hear you’re hurting so much.

    If he’s a practical and honest sort of guy, instead of an emotional guy – if he’s said you’ll talk again, he’ll have probably put a date in his diary when he’s going to contact you.

    Men on the whole aren’t so creative as us womenfolk:
    – It may be today (1st of the month).
    – It may be the dreaded V.D. (do not want to write those words)
    – It may be an exact amount of time from the last time he contacted you (exactly 4 weeks / 30 days / 60 days)

    Don’t build up too much hope, but from past experience, I’ve found if you contact someone around day 41, they’ll at least acknowledge it’s been out of order for them to go NC for so long, and will either cease the NC or ask ‘for a couple more weeks’.

    Good luck with this but use the time to work out if you really want to be with him, too.

    #395720

    Poison

    Trish,

    Thanks for your encouraging words. He is definitely a practical guy as he said we need to be practical and realistic in thinking for our future due to the bonds and distance apart.

    I have also been thinking if I want to be with him throughout this whole NC. My answer is the same from Day 1. I have never stopped loving him even we are at this cooling period now.

    However, sometimes it gets so difficult thinking why hasn’t he contact me and what is it that is missing that we can’t work together? I have given myself a time limit until April and I am planning to visit him to have a talk face to face. However, I’m afraid if he is still not reaching out by then. All the thoughts have been driving me insane

    #395763

    Suave

    Poison
    Lets suppose you wait until April, you talk to him face to face, but then he lays on you the worst fear …..he wants to call it quits. YOU my friend will be worst off.. If he wanted you he would of called. He would of at least said, give me more time, or something like that. But he hasn’t contacted you. I know this hurts and you don’t want to hear this. What’s so special about this guy? Have your past 5 years been sooooo stress free? Did he give you anxiety, stress? Or was it all wonderful?

    #395771

    Trish

    Poison – first, what Suave said – you’re only two weeks in now, after five years, it is going to take you more than two weeks to ‘find yourself’ again and your identity without the relationship. So many little things will change inside you before April, you may find he’s the one looking forward to your visit whilst you’re not that bothered about going.

    “Trust The Process”

    But I’m being hypocritical because today… I’m struggling. This early in!

    I suddenly have the urge to tell him where he really messed it up. Why I went from being cool with being ‘just friends’ (indeed, I suggested it first) to being a bright red blazing ball of female fury.

    Basically. I started working in his area on a Wednesday just two weeks ago. I have a three hour gap, so I’d said “ifever you want to meet for a coffee or lunch on a Wednesday, just drop me a text or mail before midday”. (no calls at work, obviously)

    We’d spoken on the Monday, and I said I was concerned he wasn’t taking things any further, but to have a think where he saw us going. At that point, I wasn’t all that concerned myself. Either it worked out or it didn’t and I would have been happy to be friends.

    Important to note that we hadn’t slept together so it wouldn’t have been a booty call, we genuinely had a really strong friendship beforehand, we both believe in taking things really slow. I was at the stage where I was ready to sleep with him, he wasn’t quite there.

    What got me was, he wrote back to me on the Wednesday, before midday – so of course I opened the email right there at work, thinkning he’d want to grab lunch & tell me what he was thinking.

    Instead it was an email full of every condescending cliche in the book. Right down to “I’m sure there is someone for you but it isn’t me” and “I hope we can still be friends if you are okay with that”. It was almost scripted (Like a rejection letter from a potential employer) and there wasn’t an ounce of emotion in it – he may as well have written “Thank you for your interest, unfortunately..” (I’m not completely sure he didn’t).

    I broke down in tears right there in the office & had to leave work (thank GOD I had the liberty to do that). I went from being totally cool with the idea to thinking of how I could make him suffer the pain I’d just been through that day.

    I know he absolutely dreads losing me from his life (you just know) so the idea of me not wanting to be in it at all is killing him. Also, as we used to work together and everyone at the office knows that we were seeing each other people are always asking him how I’m getting on – so he’ll have to put up with that on Monday.

    But today I feel like telling him the point at which he turned from Potential Friend into the Biggest Idiot On The Planet. Instead I’ve told you guys.

    [DAY 5/60]

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