I’ve been on several dates with this guy who seems to show more interest and put in more effort when I start caring less. The reason I started caring less is because he was not being that considerate about our plans (i.e. canceling). When I care less, he tries harder and puts in more effort which causes me to end up liking him more again.
Maybe my situation is unusual, but in general , after several dates, is it okay for a girl ask a guy to hang out sometimes? Or, should she keep letting the guy initiate plans until they are actually in a relationship?
I thought it would be okay for me to initiate plans, but with this guy, but it seems like he cares more when I care less… so another question is: Is that normal or is this guy a screwball?
Read our guy’s response after the jump!
This is a good question. The situation that you’re describing actually illustrates something that I’ve talked about before.
In your case, you weren’t needy – you didn’t make a big deal about it and you backed off when he wasn’t putting in the effort that you expect. As a result, he started putting in more of an effort because you gave him space to do so.
I have to tell you, my e-mail box is FILLED with e-mails about how some guy didn’t text back or didn’t call or didn’t set his Facebook status to say “In a relationship”, etc. The majority of these issues could be resolved by just doing what you did – backing off, giving the guy some space and letting him come to you and put in the effort.
Too often I see girls smothering or nagging a guy when he doesn’t do what they want him to. That always results in the guy becoming more withdrawn. After all, why would he want to commit himself more to a girl who’s nagging him already, right at the beginning of a relationship!
So to answer your question, I don’t think this guy is a screwball at all. Like most guys, he’s probably just figuring his situation out and simultaneously figuring out if a relationship with you is really what he’s looking for. I think he’s a normal guy and I think you are handling the situation well.
Sooner or later he will figure it out and, as long as you’re patient, there’s a good chance he could get into a stable relationship with you. On the other hand, it can take some guys longer than others to figure out what they want, so you need to have a good sense of how patient you want to be.
If you hit a breaking point, there’s nothing wrong with putting your thoughts out there and letting him know where you’re coming from. If you reach that point, just make sure you are clear on what you really want yourself, say what you need to say and be done with the conversation. Don’t drag it out into a conversation that you keep revisiting.
In regards to this guy, you asked if it’s OK for you to initiate plans. In general, there’s nothing wrong with you initiating plans with a guy. However, you mentioned that he shows more of an effort when you “care less”, so I would say that if that’s what works, why not hang back and let him put in the effort.
When it comes to people, it doesn’t matter what you think people should respond to – it only matters what they actually do respond to. If you like this guy, go with what seems to be working best with him – give him space and let him put the effort in. Less work for you, too.
Hope that helps.
– eric charles