I’ve been on several dates with this guy who seems to show more interest and put in more effort when I start caring less. The reason I started caring less is because he was not being that considerate about our plans (i.e. canceling). When I care less, he tries harder and puts in more effort which causes me to end up liking him more again.
Maybe my situation is unusual, but in general , after several dates, is it okay for a girl ask a guy to hang out sometimes? Or, should she keep letting the guy initiate plans until they are actually in a relationship?
I thought it would be okay for me to initiate plans, but with this guy, but it seems like he cares more when I care less… so another question is: Is that normal or is this guy a screwball?
Read our guy’s response after the jump!
This is a good question. The situation that you’re describing actually illustrates something that I’ve talked about before.
In previous posts, I’ve talked about how when a guy is being flaky, doesn’t text back, or isn’t doing something you want him to do, the worst response is to become needy.
In your case, you weren’t needy – you didn’t make a big deal about it and you backed off when he wasn’t putting in the effort that you expect. As a result, he started putting in more of an effort because you gave him space to do so.
I have to tell you, my e-mail box is FILLED with e-mails about how some guy didn’t text back or didn’t call or didn’t set his Facebook status to say “In a relationship”, etc. The majority of these issues could be resolved by just doing what you did – backing off, giving the guy some space and letting him come to you and put in the effort.
Too often I see girls smothering or nagging a guy when he doesn’t do what they want him to. That always results in the guy becoming more withdrawn. After all, why would he want to commit himself more to a girl who’s nagging him already, right at the beginning of a relationship!
So to answer your question, I don’t think this guy is a screwball at all. Like most guys, he’s probably just figuring his situation out and simultaneously figuring out if a relationship with you is really what he’s looking for. I think he’s a normal guy and I think you are handling the situation well.
Sooner or later he will figure it out and, as long as you’re patient, there’s a good chance he could get into a stable relationship with you. On the other hand, it can take some guys longer than others to figure out what they want, so you need to have a good sense of how patient you want to be.
If you hit a breaking point, there’s nothing wrong with putting your thoughts out there and letting him know where you’re coming from. If you reach that point, just make sure you are clear on what you really want yourself, say what you need to say and be done with the conversation. Don’t drag it out into a conversation that you keep revisiting.
In regards to this guy, you asked if it’s OK for you to initiate plans. In general, there’s nothing wrong with you initiating plans with a guy. However, you mentioned that he shows more of an effort when you “care less”, so I would say that if that’s what works, why not hang back and let him put in the effort.
When it comes to people, it doesn’t matter what you think people should respond to – it only matters what they actually do respond to. If you like this guy, go with what seems to be working best with him – give him space and let him put the effort in. Less work for you, too.
Hope that helps.
- eric charles
Got a question? Send it to askaguy@anewmode.com and we’ll get you some answers!
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Eric, thanks for your beautifully written words and thoughts and
sharing with us..
I have been in love and a relationship with my man for 10 months so
far,, and as i say it needs 10 months to have a baby born, and to have
a relation mature, I guess.. we live 3 hours distance by flight, and
till now he came 3 times to be with me. the burning thing is this
waiting.. this distance,it burns Eric.. I am writing to you from my
bed. i have flu, but missing him, needing him, makes me more sick…i’m
a adeeply romantic woman,,a real giver, and miss being able to give
him, pamper him.. my close friends are asking me to go get a life-
keep my normal life going,, but this cannot be the same as before.. i
want to do my acitivites with him- cinema together, dinning togther,
walking together…if feels lonely still if I have the whole world
around but not he… we spoke about marriage.. but it will take a while
to have it, a year, two three, i do not know,,,, do you think a
long-distance relationship can stand much time distanace?? love does
not change but people do..
I need him, want him by myside,, maybe not only cause of love,, but
cause I think of death as i do of life,, no one knows when their hour
comes, and I always have the fear of losing people I love,, without
spending much time, sharing happiness and sorrow with,,. life is so
short..
my closest friend advised me to make him feel my life is stunning and
I am happy with my family and friends,, and there is no problem,, and
I do not need him,,how can i be like this if I am not like this,, how
can I make myself feel what I cannot feel?
Love is a desire, need, wanting,, not slavery,, so why women shall
show off and’bitch’up so men can feel them more,, and want them more,,
i dislike this idiot stereotype and way of tackling things
I do not want to wait for sacrifices from his side,, i just want to be
with him, through it all,, pains and laughters,, grass and
dust,,sushi’s and pagel’s…i miss him…
pride and patience are stupid for me now, meaningless cause i love..and love is all
what kills me from inside is I feel he changed since two months ago, i confroted him yet he denied..and said nothing is wrong..i feel something is going on,, something is giving him some fulfilment. i am not there anymore.,. when i need him i dont find him., even now i have to beg to be with him on line:( and i am accused of nagging..
what a pain is this love..it takes a lot from a woman to make it survive..
Anyway.
Thanks Eric,…it suffices that we are born and will die with hearts
that beated for love every single breath
Great article. This is definitely what destroyed my first relationship…wish I had read it then!