Ask a Guy: Getting Back Together With an Ex…Is It EVER a Good Idea? post image

Ask a Guy: Getting Back Together With an Ex…Is It EVER a Good Idea?

Last spring, I met a guy through work and we hit it off. We have a lot in common…in fact, a lot of people say that we’re the exact same person! I knew that he had a huge crush on me, but I was dating someone else at the time.

Anyway, we started dating at the end of last summer. Things went well for a few months. He was calling all the time, sending flowers, sending random “thinking about you emails”-he even told me that he really saw us getting married at some point! He goes to school a few hours from where I live, so it was a long-distance relationship.

Around November, things changed. He became more distant, more withdrawn, stressed about school, etc. Right around Christmas time, I suggested taking a break to evaluate things. He didn’t really want it, but I couldn’t deal with how things were going. Needless to say, I found out that he started dating someone else during our break. I was pretty upset and told him I had no desire to be friends with him or have him in my life anymore.


Since then, he’s constantly tried to “win me over.” Calling to say hello, texting, emails, etc. I finally had to tell him that I really didn’t think I could ever trust him again, so it would be hard to be friends.

To throw another issue into the mix, at one point, he wanted to come back to where I work. I told him I didn’t think it would be a good idea. He loves this company and wants to eventually work for them full-time. A few people have suggested to me that he only dated me to “get his foot in the door.”

He ended up getting another job somewhere else. Since then, he has sent me an email, asking to be friends again because he misses having me in his life. After thinking about it for a couple of weeks, I called him and we had a nice conversation. He told me that he was single again, and was “fishing” to see if I’m currently dating anyone. I didn’t give him a straightforward answer, and I also didn’t give him any reaction when he told me he was single. He called me again just to say hi and see how things were going in my life.

I truly miss him, because I feel like we have a strong connection. I feel like he might be trying to date me again (eventually) and I just don’t know if that’s a good road to go down. I’ve been on a few dates since our break up, but haven’t found anyone else that interests me. Any thoughts you have would be awesome.


When you get right down to it, long distance relationships are typically a death sentence for a relationship. Even a really good relationship.

I’m not saying that there aren’t people who are able to keep a long distance relationship because there definitely are. But it is rare that it works – most of the time it follows the pattern you described… Couple really loves each other, they get along great then after a few months (usually 3-6 range) one person becomes colder or distant, etc. etc. etc.

So I’m not surprised that the long distance relationship ended. It sounds like you guys are close together again and, from what you’ve told me, yes, he is definitely interested in you. Guys don’t usually look at it as wanting to get back into a relationship with a girl. Guys usually look at it as wanting to see the girl again… then it just feels so comfortable and natural to be with her… and then before you know it they’re together again.

Ultimately, this is something you should clarify to yourself – can you completely forgive him, yourself, and the relationship itself for how it ended? If you can’t, then do not get back together with him. If you can and you are living close to each other again, it might work out well. Meeting someone who you really, truly click with is rare and I think revisiting it isn’t a bad idea.

Let me expand on this… when you think of how everything went down, are you angry? Are you scared? Are you sad? Or are you OK with it, truly OK with it and you can just chalk it up to it being the situation and everyone did the best they could? Be honest with yourself. I don’t necessarily expect that you don’t have some lingering bad feelings, but my feeling is that you should really, truly become at peace with any negative lingering thoughts or feelings regarding your previous relationship before you start again (if you decide to).

As for other people saying stuff about him using you to get his “foot in the door” at the company… that just sounds ridiculous, like one of those things somebody just says and it’s complete nonsense. You don’t need people getting in your ear like that – listen to your own instinct and if you can forgive, I don’t think it would hurt to try. But don’t go in with expectations – just flow with it and feel if it is working for you or not. If it feels right for you, great. If not, no problem – at least you won’t have to wonder.

I would say to never underestimate the feeling you have in your gut. One thing that I often say to Sabrina about dating advice in general is that I believe that people generally already know the answer (or what they’re going to do). So usually most people don’t need suggestions about what to do, they need to talk it out with an outside source so they can feel alright with what they already decided. And I bet you’re in that position where you’ve made up your mind (or maybe your heart has made up its mind), but you’re just not quite totally aligned with what you’re feeling. You don’t know if it’s the “right thing” to do. I say go with your gut… yeah, it’s vague advice in the general sense, but I think this is something that would resonate and make sense to you with this situation.

Here’s a closing thought… Generally speaking, people say that if a relationship fails once it’s bound to fail.

Is it true? In this case and cases like this, I wouldn’t say so. I don’t think the relationship itself failed… I think circumstances failed the relationship.

Think about it… we THINK long distance relationships will work because we have all of this great technology to keep us “connected”. We have phones, webcams, e-mail, Facebook, Twitter, etc. But nothing… nothing compares to being with that person, in person, day to day. Having them in your life.

Most relationships cannot handle a huge distance in this day and age. Large day to day elements are lost when it becomes a long distance relationship that are important. They’re subtle and fleeting and seemingly irrelevant, but they are important in the big picture.

So if a relationship fails in the context of a long distance relationship… well, we are human. Again, I am not saying that long distance relationships are doomed to failure because I’ve seen people make a strong connection and their lifestyles were set up in a way that supported the long-distance relationship, but generally speaking it’s a tougher bet.

– eric charles

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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So what would you say about a situation that was long distance and then fell apart after moving together? My ex and were together almost 4 years long distance. We fell apart after living together 3 months while I was going through the grinder that is finishing an MS degree.

Reply April 6, 2020, 10:34 pm


Hello !!
I started a new college, slept at the school made some amazing friends… I met this guy, we got along soooo well, he was my best friend, I told him everything, we hugged but only as friends, spent our time together, he’d walk me to my bedroom, out of school we saw each other… always calling each other.. and then people started asking us if we were dating.. I didn’t see him like that at all.. I started asking myself a lot of questions.. friends were sending me messages saying that he always talks about me… anyways we brushed it off.. but I saw him differently.. I started to fall in love with him… we ended up being together..
he was my first love, I was so DEEPLY in love with him.. he was perfect.
I felt like a princess with him, our parents met, we were THE COUPLE to be.
unfortunately I moved away and broke up before the end of the year so it wouldn’t be too hard… it was so hard for both of us, we were still texting..
When I moved away he went out with a girl I absolutely HATED.. I was sooo upset.
we kept in contact which didn’t help me move on.. when I came back in the area we’d always saw each other over coffee, he invited me for his birthdays, kissed me and told me he missed me so much.. after a few days he would say that we couldn’t be together.. then he could see I wasn’t well (feeling down) he’d to go and see him to cheer me up.. we slept together, it was my first time.. I’m happy that HE was my first time.
For years we’d send each other messages once in a while just like that and I was scared to go out with another guy in case he wanted to get back with me..
Then I got a boyfriend, we went to my school reunion and HE was there.. my heart suck and all the feelings came back.. I did the stupid thing going to talk to him, we spoke for AGES (my poor boyfriend at the time wasn’t comfortable with that and I don’t blame him) then we all went clubbing with friends from the reunion.. I spent most of my time with my friends and HIM.. I was so happy that HE was here.. he got me drinks, we were having fun all together…

10 years on.. I still regret leaving him. we ALWAYS send each other a message for our birthdays and sometimes christmas and new years… we’ve never missed that.
He has a girlfriend, they’ve been together for a few years.. and I want him to be happy because his the greatest guy ever !!!
but maaaaan I love him so much, I miss him and I will ALWAYS love him.
I’m happy when he likes one of my pictures on facebook, when he looks at my story on snapchat…
I might have moved on… but I will never forget him

Reply April 3, 2019, 4:34 pm


I deactivated all social media accounts. I started no contact rule and it’s been 1 week now. Cz everyone asked me to stop contacting him to get him back. Two of our mutual friends texted me and i didn’t reply them. And my ex called me today morning and I didn’t respond him neither. I think they freaked out because I didn’t reply. They might think I’m in trouble. What should I do now? Should I contact one of them? Or my ex?

Reply June 25, 2018, 1:53 am


The young woman told the boyfriend she wanted a break, he didn’t; she insisted and then he didn’t hold his breath and dated someone else. So why is this down to him being the one at fault? If she can’t see any personal responsibility in this, like 80/20 then do him a favor and don’t get back together.

Reply March 30, 2015, 12:36 am


Ive beendating this guy for two years but at first we had problems with his ex always calling him all the time every day. he made it seem like it was her but come to find out it was him contacting her. he knows how i feel about finding out he was lieing the whole time but he still is contacting her. bhis excuse is he calls her to check on how her dad is doing. and when i look at his phone and find out he is texting her when i confront him about it he gets all irate and angry and goes off on me and says im being nosey bitch. he says he loves me but i really dont feel that he does i cant trust that he is not calling her what do you think i should do. he4 said if he wanted to be with her he would but she is the one that left him and broke things off weith him but as soon as she found out that he had a girlfriend she wanted to know details about our relationship.her and i have words and i apologized to her about thinking it was her contacting him again but it was him. other then that i hate her. what deo you think iu shoiuld do wake up and smell the coffee and except the fact that he is noit over his ex? or what i love him but i feel if he really loved me he wouldnt disrespect me and call her behind my back if he had nothing to hide. right donna

Reply January 27, 2015, 1:13 pm


Two years ago I started dating this guy, we met through facebook I was in 10th grade he was in 8th.. (please don’t judge..) and we met and the relationship was great in the first few months.. Then I was having issues at home and am a very depressive and bipolar person so I kept breaking up with him a lot in the 6 months we were dating.. and the 4 months and a few days later he and my best friend started dating.. and even if I did break up with him a lot and had fights every now and then I love him so much.. and I was so angry that my best friend and him started dating especially because my best friend was seeing him secretly at first and didn’t even tell me and found out through facebook and she knew how I felt about him. Now we barely started talking again around November of 2014, and he asked me out in December and I know it was too fast, but I really do love him, but now I’m having second thoughts and I read your response to this um person and I started questioning myself , because we don’t usually text as much or talk.. and I am afraid that it may happen again even if my best friend the same one who dated my ex/current bf says she won’t ever do that again because she saw how bad she hurt me, and I am still kind of angry with her. I kind of know what to do and not to do I love him, but I’m scared and still am angry mostly at my best friend.. but I want your advice first. Please reply.. I am lost and from what I see you really do give good advice. Please and thank you, I would appreciate it..

Reply January 6, 2015, 1:54 am


So I have been dating my bf for one year and we are expecting a babyin Nov.Ona Aug 12 we celebrated are onre year anniversary and we decided to go baby shopping after dinner. Well as we were walking into the store he is telling me about how he talked to his friend Ryan and he told him how his 1st love was divorced and living in town again. I replied with an OK and ironically we run into her at the baby store with her daughter and new bf. I told him to go say hi if he wanted to but he said no and then she approached us and said hello and congratulated us on the baby. Well over the next few weeks everything seemed fine with us except one bad argument we had on the 21st.we decided to get intimate one night and he got pretty frustrated with me because im 31 week pregnant and the position was uncomfortable for me. I got upset and just let him finish in a spooning position. He was a little rough with me and seemed disappointed. Well the next morning he went for a breakfast run and left his cell. I know it was wrong of me but I checked his cell.he deleted alot of messages but not the recent call list.he also had a picture of him with his shirt off but pants on (which is odd for him) I questioned him about a number and he said he didn’t know. I said y’all had a 30 min conversation and texted. He got mad and yelled at me so I asked if it was a chick. He said no he wasn’t cheating. So for 3 days he kept his cell in his pocket so I couldn’t look at it. Well he left his cell on the dresser while showering and I got the number and called. It went to an automated voicemail. When he finished his shower he said what is wrong I said nothing and then my cell rang and it was his ex from the baby store. I asked him why he would that to me and lie. He said he wanted the catch up with her but didn’t want me to stress. She told me that they were catching up and talked about the baby and then talked about lunch and he invited her over and she said he asked her if he could rub her leg. He claims that he was joking with her and he wasn’t really going to let her come over. Well I asked him if he sent her a picture he said no. As he went out of town for work I told him to switch cells and prove he isn’t cheating on me. Well I called her and asked what they talked about and she said he called her gmas house to get her cell the next day we saw each other. That he sent her that picture and she sent him one of her haircut. She sad her bf saw all the messages the only thing said bad was that he wanted to rub her leg. She ended the conversation by telling me I’m in a bad relationship and should end it.she puts the blame on him sain he called her a few years ago saying he still loved her. Well his story is that she tried getting with him and tried to cheat on her ex husband with him but nothing happened. Both stories in why the relationship ended is different. She also clams she isn’t a homewrecker and not a cheater but then tells me about her college bf she dated for four years while he was engaged to another woman. I’m sooo confused and idk who to trust or what to do. He says it isn’t cheating I feel it is BC he lied and did it behind my back.I love him so much and don’t want to end it but I can’t be with someone who at cheat. From a guys view is this OK to do or not?

Reply September 9, 2015, 3:27 pm


hi – I wondered if I can ask you- I got back together with my ex- after some time passed- we got together a few times and now I have not heard from him again in like 2 weeks- what is up? Do you think he is going to contact me again? thanks

Reply December 9, 2014, 9:53 pm

Kristina Richardson

I was wondering if you might be able to help me clarify a situation with my ex.

Reply August 31, 2014, 2:17 am


Hi eric, i found all your posts are very very helpful. I am lost with this guy i really liked since last November. I started talking to him onlline, he was so into me etc told me he had never met someone he really likes for so long. Of cos i jumped the hoop as told him how much i liked him too… we met in march, then he texted me the next evening…he w@nted to see me but asked me to meet him half way as he lived 45mins away from me. I couldnt do it cos my diving skills… then i didnt hear from him for 2 weeks, so i called him, then he said hes not ready for relationship cos his work etc. I agreed wit it. Then from that date n on he never contacted me. Its only me who was texting him n i got very simple answers… anyway cut long story short, i texted him aft so long just as a fd n he was all nice n attentive again. I was ill n ttexted to check if i was ok if i need any thing. Then we were texting again, i said my mums happy to see me againin some weight on, then hes like : i think id like to meet her… aft that conversation i didn’t want myself to have any hope i didn’t contact him aft that for 2weeks. Then we started talking one eve, i said i understand that hes not never been attracted to me, i realised that now. He answered, h3 does find me attractive. I said its different attractions right. He said to what. I said its hard to explain. He said try, then i said you no when u meet someone. He said yeah , then he questioned me so then y r we not together. I was shocked, n said sorry? You didnt want me right…. then he was just silent. I was a lit mad as i felt he was just trickinh me to say that… anyway after all i made it clear i asked him if he does want me in his life in anyway. He answered: yes i do… he said w@nting someone is a big thing in his book, he is attracted to me n enjoy talkin to me…… hes not makin @ny plans tho but when i asked when is he comin to see me, he said work_ too busy but he doesnt mind to see me half way… i am lost, does he like or not… if he doesnt why does he just let me go… it is like torturing me… i dont feel like to see any other men becaus3 of him… really cant do 5his anymore. Plz help:-(:-(

Reply August 8, 2014, 1:04 pm


If I had read this before, I would have never gotten into a long distance relationship lol
too much suffering and it’s a lot to go through, just not healthy… Makes you go kind of nuts. So I would say from my experience and after being into a really long distance relationship for almost 2 years: women do not get involved into that, really, you don’t need to put up with that kind of situation even if you think he’s the love of your life.

Reply November 27, 2012, 6:55 pm


my partner of 11years left me 7 wks ago. said he wasnt happy and didnt love me any more. we have 2small kids an i have 2 c him evry day. recently i found out hes seeing someone else. i stil love him and want him back regardless of what hes done. does any1 think i stand a chance of getting him back any time soon.

Reply September 7, 2012, 6:56 am


Hi everybody,
I have a situation like this, except that I asked my ex to give us another chance. (I was the one who want to put an end to our relationship).
when I asked him to give another chance(I mean 3 months ago) I completely forgiven him, but the thing is I am not sure about him, I think he doesn’t forgive me completely.we have a long distance relationship. we haven’t seen each other for 3 months. the first two months was great but there has been 3 weeks that he has been cold.
we had talked about this situation and he has promised me to work hard on it but I haven’t seen anything.
I am goring to see him next week.
I am feeling awful, but I am trying to overcome it, I deserve to be loved and if I feel that he doesn’t deserve my love, I would break up with him again.
do you think I am on right track?

Reply August 29, 2012, 1:38 am


my situation is a little different. No long distance, but we have been broke up for 8 months. Every 6 to 8 weeks he comes back, either texting or talking and flirting with me when we run into each other, which leads to texting. He has another girl in his life that he never made clear to anyone he was dating. This started about 3 months ago. He has been with me in some form (talking, hanging out, even slept together twice) 3 or 4 times since they started dating. Keep in mind that he always is the one who contacts me, even before she was in the picture. He came back for good a few weeks ago and then after 2 weeks decided to leave again. This time I told him not to come back. I hear though, through others, that he has been talking to her again. I don’t know if this is because I have finally said to stay away or because he really would rather be with her. I love him and do want him back, but not like this. Maybe it is time to move on? I just can’t decide if he really loves me.

Reply June 27, 2012, 1:35 pm


I was reading this, and I scrolled down to the bottom of the page, and I wanted to read the link “how to get him to text you back”, when I clicked on it, it tells me to sign up, which I already did, so how can I read that link? Thanks!

Reply June 3, 2012, 10:50 pm

Eric Charles

Reply June 5, 2012, 8:43 pm


I have a question? Well, a situation that I need to understand. I went to a party recently (bonfire redneck high school type party). My ex was there. We have been broke up for 10 months, but on and off during this time (meaning talking, sleeping together, short 1 or 2 week relationship here and there). We had recently been together (about 2 weeks prior). Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage prior to this, but did not tell him until this last time we were together. It wasnt like I was far along maybe 2 or 3 weeks and I didn’t even know until I started having severe stomach pains. Anyway…. he got mad when I told him for not telling him earlier I guess and stopped talking to me. I go to this party and he is there, drinking. He proceeds to tell everyone that I had told him I had a miscarriage and that he knows I am lying… as the night progresses he gets drunker and drunker. I am talking to a guy in a group of people not paying attention to my ex. The guy then sits down and I continue to stand in the group of people. My ex goes up to the guy and starts a fight, yelling,”what’s your problem? that’s my ex!” He slaps him a few times and hits his hat off his head and they start screaming at each other. Someone breaks it up and the night goes on. He proceeds to get so drunk he passes out and looses all bodily functions. I see him the next night and he tells me he doesnt like my shirt because it is still on. (only had 1 beer at this point). He proceeds to get drunk to the point of throwing up and tells my friend he is getting smashed because I am there and he doesn’t want to be around me. Now, I know that this is not someone I really should have a relationship with due to the drinking, but he has only been drinking like this since we broke up and he usually does not get this smashed (according to everyone else cause I don’t spend time with him). I don’t drink so when we are together he never drinks. He tells everyone he hates me and doesnt want anything to do with me, yet he comes back every 6 weeks or so. I know I am dumb for taking him back and believe me after this I won’t, but what I want to know is, does he still love me?

Reply August 30, 2012, 10:45 am


I think the more important question to ask is if he respects you. I think that answer should be more helpful than if he loves you. Regardless of how much love one may feel for another, I cannot in good conscience condone a relationship where one of the people involved is not respected. Your relationship status is not important when evaluating his actions and behavior. His response reflects his general way of thinking on what he finds to be an acceptable course of action in any given situation. You should not make your decision based on if he loves you, but on if you feel respected and valued for who you are.

Reply December 8, 2012, 7:28 am


Im totally new to this website, and I wanted to thank you. You said usually things get rough in the 3-6 month range. What you described was exactly what I just went through. I had an ex boyfriend that I dated for 2 years. We were both in love, but he finally broke it off because I was moving overseas for a year. At that time we were already doing a long distance and doing an 8 hour difference in a long distance seemed too hard. 4 years later he pops out and practically begs for us to try again because we were more “mature” and “committed”. The first 3 months were amazing, though we still were in a long distance. He was caring, always there for me, calling/texting me and doing whatever he could to talk to me everyday for as long as he could. Then 4th month hit and everything went downhill. He went cold, distant and acted disinterested. He was no longer there for me and made the rudest sarcastic comments when I was worried about something. This article helped me. I knew I still loved him and though we were convinced we could do it for a year before I could move up to him, his 4th month attitude no longer portrayed that. Though Im still confused as to what happened (going from nonindependent to too independent to talk to you everyday), this does give me some sort of idea.

Thank you, and if you have any advice, I would really appreciate it!

Reply May 16, 2012, 10:50 pm


Wow thank you so much for this COMMON SENSE response. My boyfriend just broke up with me (due to distance – he’s moved for school 4 hours away last Sept.). Sure enough like you said, several months later he became distant.

He told me the exactly same thing – that it was the SITUATION, not our relationship that failed. When I asked why we didn’t talk on webcam/phone more he said, it isn’t the same thing. I didn’t believe him at first but hearing a man’s advice here really helped me.

My girlfriends are all telling me “well if he really loved you, distance wouldn’t matter”. But is that true? Is it fair for me to ask HIM to stay in a relationship with a girl he barely sees?? Thank you for a man’s point of view on this situation. It really helps.

Reply March 24, 2012, 12:40 am

Eric Charles

Yeah… I know women hate to hear it but it’s always been my motto that…
Long Distance KILLS Relationships…
Yes, 1 out of 100 might work out. And when we’re in love, we always believe we can beat the odds.
But I’ve seen long distance kill more EXCELLENT, LOVING relationships than anything else.
Frankly, it’s unnatural. Relationships are meant to have touch, physical presence, doing things for and with one another. That’s how our brains are wired… we are biologically designed to seek that out if it’s not present in our lives.
And yet… movies, TV and just plain youthful naivety and optimism convinces us that a long distance relationship will work for US.
I’m not saying that it never works out, but every force is against a relationship that goes “long distance”.
And there are audience members of mine that hate hearing that and rail against me, but you have to remember… Over 10 million women roll through my site and divulge their secrets to me about their failing love life.
And long distance is among the greatest relationship killer of everything… Sure there are many other reasons why relationships fail, but Long Distance is an almost-guaranteed death sentence from all the cases I’ve seen.
So yeah, in short – I would agree that it was the situation, not the relationship.

Reply March 24, 2012, 1:39 pm


Since it was the situation, is there a chance the relationship can be revived? I’m having a really hard time getting over the breakup 2 months ago. He told me for several weeks after the breakup that he still loved me (according to him it was the distance, not feelings!), but then a few weeks ago I found him on a dating website. I got upset over this, and now he’s ignoring me and tells me he’s over me. I just find it hard to believe he’s over a 4 year relationship in 2 months, distance or not, esp. when he told me a month ago he still loved me.

I’m really hoping we can stay friends (he initially said he wanted that), and that maybe we can try again later on after we’re both done school and maybe in the same city (he also said “maybe, we’ll see” to this possibility). But I’m scared of him moving onto someone else and forgetting about me. We really had an amazing relationship and I’m so frustrated that the distance killed it and just want to be back in his life.

Reply May 3, 2012, 12:24 am


I think this a salvagable situation, personally. It was more circumstance than personal rift that drove them apart. Also, the other thing going for it is the fact that SHE initiated the break-up. From my observation, when a man ends a relationship with a woman there is almost always no turning back. The power belonged to him, and most likely always did. When the female has a more equal share of power in the relationship, or he is doing most of the pursuing/winning of hearts, the relationship has a far greater likelihood of lasting the distance.

I think it may be worth a second chance, on the condition that the girl in this circumstance is no longer lingering onto any resentment, hurt or anger – subconsciously, or otherwise. If she is, it will cast doom and gloom over the rekindling, and sabotage any effort. Good luck!

Reply July 3, 2011, 8:50 am


Ultimately, this is something you should clarify to yourself – can you completely forgive him, yourself, and the relationship itself for how it ended? If you can’t, then DO NOT get back together with him.

-Agreed! I had a friend not only get back with him…but married him, then she always wanted to bring up the pre-marriage hurt in the marriage and throw it in his face to guilt him…I would always tell her, you let that go when you said yes to his proposal. They are now divorced.

Reply October 4, 2009, 10:47 pm


great post! Going with your gut is always the best way

Reply May 8, 2009, 1:50 pm

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