Ask A Guy:  Why Do I Attract the Guys I Don’t Like and Not the Ones I Do? post image

Ask A Guy: Why Do I Attract the Guys I Don’t Like and Not the Ones I Do?


Meeting guys and having guys interested in me is not a problem.  I don’t want to sound arrogant, but I’m in good shape and everyone tells me how pretty I am so I don’t doubt my physical attractiveness.

Here’s the thing: There is a guy I see a lot (he’s a friend of a friend) and I’ve developed a crush on him. I was trying to find out if he was into me and a friend of mine quoted him saying that I was a “cool girl, but not his type”.

I really like this guy – I want to understand why he doesn’t like me and if there’s anything I can do to get him to like me and see me as a romantic interest.

OK, before I even begin talking about why a guy might like you or not like you, just remember that you really don’t KNOW what he said or how he really feels.  All you know is something a friend told you he said.

But here’s a common problem I hear from women and men about their dating lives: They can get the ones they don’t want to fall head-over-heels in love with them, but when they find someone they want, they fail miserably.

And it sounds like that’s what you’re describing.

It really doesn’t matter how good you are with getting people who you don’t want to lust for and adore you…  You don’t want them, so they really aren’t options anyway.

The real issue here is what is the problem that “wanting” is causing?

In other words:  If you can have the ones you don’t want wrapped around your finger as love slaves, then something about you “wanting” someone is what’s causing the real problem here.

Let’s examine what those common problems are:

He’s out of my league / I’m not good enough for him-

Mindset is everything in dating.  When you BELIEVE and ASSUME that you are irresistibly attractive and that a man (or any man) wants you hardcore, it often comes about.Thing is, sometimes women make “identities” out of their problems – what starts out as a quirky, lighthearted complaint keeps getting repeated until it suddenly becomes their reality and they believe that this is out of their control.

Your beliefs and your dating/relationship reality are completely under your control.  But you need to step up and stop programming your mind with garbage.  If you’ve been falling into the trap of telling the only-the-ones-I-don’t-want-want-me sob story, STOP IT and never do it again.Instead, start “brainwashing yourself” into this belief:  The ones I want the most will find me irresistible and they want me, hard.  Now, you may say, “Eric, even if I repeated that to myself a thousand times it would still not believe it.”

Why not?  Think about it.  There are tons of women… even women who are married… who have never experienced having men obsessed with them, chasing them, idolizing them… you have.  You have experience being a type of girl that the vast majority of other women don’t have.

So if you just stop telling that sob story to yourself and act and BELIEVE around those that you want using the same vibe as the ones you didn’t want, then you’ll get the same result.  And the more in-demand a guy is, the more he’s craving to meet a girl who actually feels like a worthy partner to him.

You’re only not good enough when YOU decide that you aren’t good enough.

 

I lose interest once guys become interested in me.

People can be funny animals at times.I’ve known girls that would obsess over guys – chasing, checking their texts, etc… until he started liking them back or showing signs of commitment.These girls loved the chase.  They loved the notch on the belt.  But most importantly, they loved the reassurance to their ego – having their “prize” like them back validated them as being good enough in the world.

I’m not here to judge, but if that’s your mindset, then I think you’re best course of action is to really examine yourself and see if you have an issue becoming vulnerable to people or opening up.  In these types of cases, a fear of becoming vulnerable or sharing a real connection / bond is terrifying to these women (or men) and once that psychological hole is repaired, then the potential for a relationship becomes possible.

He seemed interested, but then lost interest.  Now I’m hooked on him and he’s withdrawing.

OK, when he was interested, you were living and enjoying your life.Oftentimes when this happens, a woman goes from living a full, well-balanced life to putting all her eggs in one basket: the relationship.  Instead of going out with friends, she hangs out with the boyfriend.  Instead of exercising at the gym, she eats Ben & Jerry’s and watches movies with the boyfriend.  Instead of doing the hobbies and interests she loves, she spends time with the boyfriend. And at first it’s magical and fun… the reason is that both the guy and the girl are “full” – full of love of themselves, full of love of their life, full of a great mood and outlook.But then they start swapping out all the things that “filled them up” in their life and they replace with spending more and more time with each other.  They make the error of thinking that the relationship is filling them up, when in fact, their great relationship is a bi-product of them leading a full life and loving themselves

So in the case of what you’re talking about, most women don’t realize this and they make the tremendous mistake of trying to “repair the relationship”.  The relationship is not the problem – it is always a bi-product of your life.

To improve your relationship, improve your life and your love for yourself.  If a relationship “makes you” crazy, neurotic and paranoid, it is inevitable that the relationship will fall apart (and it will fall apart even quicker if you act on your crazy, neurotic, paranoid state of mind and blame him for it…)

Fill your life with activities you love, people you love, etc.  Fill your mind with love for yourself – the woman who wants love from the world but cannot bring it about in herself will be forever thirsty for love…  Love always starts within you and flows outward.

 

Plain and simple, he doesn’t like me.  He’s not attracted to me.

First, let’s be clear on “liking” and “attraction”.I remember one girl that I hated at first, but found really attractive.  We eventually hooked up and it was actually pretty awesome… but that’s beside the point.The important thing is not to confuse “liking you as a person” and “feeling attraction for you”.  Two separate things. I’ve had women I’ve loved as people but couldn’t force an ounce of attraction for them if I tried.  And I’ve felt tons of attraction to some women who I loathed as people.  Nature is funny, I guess.

To be clear though, I like the vast majority of women that I’m attracted to.  I’m not trying to say that being “hate-able” is a strategy for getting guys attracted.  It’s not.

I am saying that provoking emotions, positive or negative, is usually a sign that attraction potential is there.

Moving on to my other point…

This is similar to what I was saying at the first part – when you ASSUME he wants you, you are far more likely to have him end up wanting you. Why?  Because when you think you’re hot, you come across as confident.

Most people (and their thoughts) are not well-formed, concrete decisions.  They’re kind of gray, on-the-fence, neutral thoughts unless spiked with emotion or inspiration from the outside.

So when a person believes strong enough that they are hot and irresistible, the minds of others subconsciously pick that up and just roll with it (unless given a massive reason not to).

From a psychological standpoint, it’s fascinating.  Even when you’re not a guy’s type, if you believe he wants you hard enough, oftentimes you’ll tip the scale and his mind will make an exception for you.

I learned this trick from an ex-girlfriend actually.  I never told her this, but I was never into fair-skinned girls with freckles – just not my type.  But I was really into her – I thought she was hot, sexy and irresistible.  Man, she had me chasing her… she definitely played me for a fool.

And the power behind how she got me so wrapped-up on her was on this powerful assumption.  There was a night where she casually told me, “Oh yeah, when me and my friend go to the bar, we act like we own the place.  I don’t care what people think, I don’t care who they are – when I am there, I am the celebrity, I get what I want and everyone wants me.”

And she was right – she was actually a fairly shy girl, but when she stepped into a party or bar, she always owned and commanded the room.

If you can master what I’m explaining here, you’ll have that power too.  Even if you’re “not his type.

So there you have it – why he doesn’t like you and what to do to turn the scales in your favor.

Hope that helps,

eric charles

 

{ 55 comments… add one }

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Nicole

Eric,

The first among the comments, the one by Billy Bixby (last sentance), is racist and therefore totally inappropriate. Is anyone monitoring your comments page? Comments such as these should be removed.

Reply August 15, 2014, 8:13 am

Cat

I know this is true first hand…..I’ve always thought I was average or below average looking until one day I looked back and realized I have had 6 men, if not more obsessed with me….and I mean OBSESSED. The only thing was I didn’t care about them and it showed…it was like the less I cared, the more they wanted me. Yet when ever I chase after a guy, he totally ignores me. I think men truly love the chase and that’s just the way human nature is. I know men that are married to women who still have them chasing after their affections????. The confidence thing is also true because I always see unattractive women who have men at their feet. And I mean physically and personality-wise unattractive. And I always think, how are they pulling this off?

Reply July 21, 2014, 12:44 am

Shania

Eric-
You’re advice is amazing. Seems to me that you are an understanding person. I am completely sure your advice helps a lot of people.

Reply July 4, 2014, 12:55 pm

Some Young Sad Unattractive Girl

I love this article, because although my name includes the word unattractive, I still somehow attract guys occasionally. It’s always when I’m overly cocky, thinking,”Oh I know you want me.” I look back upon most of those times as me being stupid or naive, but I guess thinking that way makes me into more of a flirt because of the confidence and it just sort of happens. It clicks, and the guy usually does something back. Of course, once it was a guy flirting with me while he had a girlfriend that had just moved here, him breaking up with her only to go back out with her, and then he never talked to me again. Nevertheless, it was great for those few days that he showed some sort of attraction back. Your article explains a lot, so I think I’ll try the tips in it out sometime. God knows I need it haha. I’ve never been particularly popular amount guys, and I mostly credited it to my lack of a figure and anti-socislness, but maybe it’s due to my lack of confidence and never being sure of myself. Thanks again haha

Reply May 15, 2014, 11:33 pm

Just curious

Is it really true that the vast majority of women haven’t experienced being idolised and worshipped by men? In my experience, every woman has at least one suitor who is obsessed by her, this suitor might be completely crazy and undesirable but he exists. Is it really rare for a woman to have many suitors who worship her and ex boyfriends who tell her they still fantasise about her? In my experience, that’s not that rare.

Reply May 12, 2014, 5:58 am

Forever Single

This is great advice if you’re Caucasian. If you are any other race, especially a black female, it does not apply. Guys just aren’t “into” us, and I’ve given up. I’m tired of always attracting men I’m not into, and being treated like a gorilla or a trans-woman by the men I am into. I looked up this article and it is indeed fantastic. But if you have brown skin, it simply will not work. I’m even part-Asian and it doesn’t work. The guys I like are into the Asian part of me but HATE the black part of me. Attraction goes nowhere.

Forever single :(

Reply January 12, 2014, 2:17 am

Shera

I think you are mistaken. I don’t know ur personal experiences or where u live but being mixed with black doesn’t stop a man from finding you attractive, regardless of his race (unless ur only attracted to KKK members…..then yeah being black is an issue). I am mixed with Jamaican and Italian and I attract guys of EVERY race. Asian and black mix sounds really pretty. I wish I could see a picture of you so I could tell u the real reason why u don’t attract men u like but I guarantee you having black in you is NOT the reason.

Reply February 18, 2014, 5:51 pm

Mallory

I agree. I’m also a black woman with Italian and Creole ancestry, and I use to feel the same way. I tend to be attracted to men outside of my race and I hated myself for it because I never felt like they were attracted to me, and then the black men I was attracted to, they were never interested in a relationship–”only playing the game”– no thank you…

Anyway, I’ve recently discovered that I can too have any man that I want and am attracted to. More importantly, I realized that a lot of those men that I thought were interested in me, were indeed interested, they however had the same mindset that I had–that I wouldn’t be interested in them because of their race, etc. It was both of our false perceptions and feelings that our desires were unattainable that hindered us from actually being together.

I’ll give an actual example of this; the other day, I was told by a coworker that a (I say this for the purpose of telling the story) white coworker was interested in me. I was told that this man, after meeting me, had begun to talk about how pretty I was, my dimples, and how perfect my teeth were. It was quite flattering, and although, I know it means nothing as the man is perfectly married, a light bulb went off in my head.

Just because a man doesn’t make advances towards you, or declare his “love” for you, doesn’t mean he finds you attractive from a far. There can be several factors that lead to a man approaching you or several hindering it. In my case, I know it is not a matter of me seeming too guarded or unapproachable–as I am quite friendly–but more of a matter that many times attraction between people of other races comes with uncertainty. And usually, neither party thinks that the other will be interested to them.

Reply March 17, 2014, 12:09 am

Mallory

doesn’t mean, he does not find you attractive***

Reply March 17, 2014, 12:11 am

justme

I agree! It is a lot harder when you’re Black. I seem to get creepy older African guys who try to flirt with me. I’m not interested in them! Men of other colors don’t approach me…and if they do, it’s only for one thing. I dress modestly…so idk what it is. Smh. It makes me angry and hurt.

Reply March 17, 2014, 11:35 pm

K

You have summed up every sad thing I have learned about guys throughout my life. It really sucks…

Reply March 18, 2014, 4:59 pm

msdearleader

my parents are both multi racial and have black in them.its the area you live in not your race.if you live in more racist areas in happens.i live in florida and i get hit on all the time but its always by guys im not into.the guys im into never like me back or only want me for sex so i feel your pain.people ask me why im so pretty but single all the time?i date men of all races and i want a guy i can have a bond with. when black guys hit on me its only the ghettos ones who want me as a trophy because i have light skin because thats the only type around in my area.when i do meet a black guy i like they live too far.i attract men of all races but i never find any who think like me.in less closed minded areas this stuff can happen where the prettiest black girls are still single.ive seen it happen to asians latinas arabs and etc too.in some racist areas the fugliest fat ugly white girl with a bad attitude will be choosen over a beautiful ethnic woman it happens where live alot.

Reply April 17, 2014, 11:23 am

Anais

I’m black Jamaican American with a complexion darker than the “paper bag” so to speak. I think if you believe guys don’t want you because you’re black it comes out somehow. Kinda like this article is saying, if you believe you’re not worth of the men you like it will come out.

There are racist people out there and I see a lot of black men more than any other race saying negative things about black women. I think the media brainwashes black women to believe they aren’t desirable and black men to believe they shouldn’t date black women, honestly. The positive thing is most black men still end up marrying black women. I think the area you live in can be part of it but your attitude counts too. I’ve had men of all races attracted to me even if they don’t typically date black women. And I’m not a “supermodel” either.

Men mainly look for signs of femininity which our mainstream culture has tried to condition out of black women by pushing the “strong and independent” as well as “angry black woman” and “Jezebel” archetypes. So put all that society says aside about why black women aren’t attractive. Always just focus on showing your feminine energy to a guy and you’ll eventually meet the right one :-)

Reply April 29, 2014, 11:34 am

Kimberly

It is definitely your mentality that is holding you back. I am a black girl (100%) and I am never short of attention from guys of all races, especially white guys. I’ll compare it to when I was in school, there were two chinese guys and one of them thought girls of other races just weren’t into chinese guys and he never really had a girlfriend in the time i knew him. There was another chinese guy who was super confident and all the girls loved him.

I will give you this though, I live in the UK and I think it is different here. When I was in america people were really suprised that my boyfriend was white. The UK, london especially, is so accepting of interracial couples.Dating interracially not even a thing. My exes consist of one mixed race guy (black and white) and three white guys.

However when I was in america guys still really liked me, not to be arrongant but I got loads of attention but I put that down to my British accent and because I was ‘different’.

I think it’s about being sweet, smiley and bubbly. Be nice and dont follow the stereotypical black girl traits (being aggressive, angry, rude etc). My two best friends are gorgeous blonde girls and I get so much more attentiom than them and way more guys asking me out! Honestly. It’s all about confidence. Go up and talk to that guy you really like! Be social and be friendly and flirt! Race has nothing to do with it, it is just a barrier you are creatig in your head.

Reply May 19, 2014, 1:17 pm

peach

Here’s the scenario-met a guy online,chatted for 3-4weeks before he finally decided to meet in person.he was a little boring on I’m,but I decided to meet him person,thinking he may be different.so we meet for coffee-im 5ft2,he told me he was short at 5ft7,erhem,in person he was no more than 2inches taller than me, and that’s pushing it!we walked into a coffee shope-he had no clue on how to address the waitor,so I jumped in and told our waitor we would like to sit outside.even when the waitor checked on us for our order,he had no reply for the waitor,so once again I asked for more time. We finally ordered,and let’s just say the conversation started off well,and then I started getting severely bored.home time came (at last)and I had already 2hours ago decided this guy is NOT for me-he scratched his thigh and arm throughout coffee!he also made me pay for my own coffee and left the waitor an under 10%tip and laughed about it! When we said by, he moved in for a kiss- I immediately turned my face away and gave him a vague hug. To date-2 months later- he still thinks he has a chance- he drops me IMs which I don’t respond to- and he did say if he meets someone and is not into them, he never sends them massages again! Can I just send him a text to say please stop messaging me, I’m not into u?

Reply December 31, 2013, 2:37 am

Sacha

Hi Eric,
I was looking for some articles about why one loves those who don’t love him or her back and the first one i found was yours. This is a great one! Now, i have a question, I am a very confident girl. I’m black 5.7 weight 136 and i am smart. Almost every man i ever met always wish they had me as a wife. Those men are either already married or not my type. They would do anything to have me. I met a few guys who are my type. All my life i have not met more than may be 5 guys that i wish they could be my husband. Let me tell you in those 5, i dated only one of them for 4 years. I was in college, he was in residency(Med school) and we did not live in the same states. It was hard for us to get together, when he had free time, i didn’t when i had he didn’t. We did love each other, but he finally cheated on me and lied to me, so we broke up. He was the only man i wanted to marry and it’s been 4 years since we broke up he cant find anyone like me and he really wants to marry and i am done with him for ever. We are still friends though, but not more. Since he was the only one, i am not into black man, he was the only one. There is no way i can date a black. If it was not him, it will be another color not my color anymore. This part is weird about me and i know that, i don’t share with any body.
After a long time being single, now i decided to date again, but i don’t have time, so i tried the the online dating. I met lots of men who would like to date me, but they are not my type. I finally decided to try one, not because i loved him, but because i wanted to start dating again. In less than 2 months he wanted to marry me, but we were having communication problem, so after dating for 3 months, i broke up with him. I went back to the dating sites again, i met a lot of guys and even though i am not into sex before wedding they really want to date me. I found one i felt like i could date him, and we live less than a mile away of each other, so we met one day. After that he asked me for dinner and have a formal date. I accepted it. We talked a lot that evening and he told me that he wanted something serious, and that’s what i wanted also, so we talked and talked and we finally kissed, for the first time i kissed someone on a first date,but we did meet already and talked for 2 weeks. After that evening, he sent text twice a day in the morning and evening, because he does not like texting and he does not like talking on the phone and we both are busy. Booomm, he asked for a second date he got sick, so we canceled it. I kept sending him text asking how he was feeling because he was really sick. When he got better, i was out of town, so i sent him texts once or twice a day then i stopped to see if he would text me, because he is not sick any more. He never did, so after 2 days on my way back i sent him a text saying that i am headed back, he just said “good”, no excitement at all. I kept texting him because i wanted to know where i stood, and he texted me for a while then stopped replying. I told him to tell me if you doesn’t want me to text anymore and he said “yes and don’t over analyzed things”, So when i got home since we live close i drove by his house and called him, he came out i had to go somewhere he went with me and he told me that, he does not know how to handle me, i am too difficult, because i am into too serious relationship. Now, i am confused, because i never talked about serious relationship with him plus i don’t even know if i love him yet. he was the one since the date, who said he wanted me to meet his mom. After dropping him home, he sent me a text saying that “I’m sorry”. and i said “sorry for being difficult” he said “being difficult is who you are, keep being you”. That was the last test it’s been 5 days. Can you guess what is going on? He did tell to have a date tomorrow if it is not snowing, but it snowed last nigh, i don’t know for tomorrow yet. I have no problem if he is not interested anymore, but i want to be sure. In the mean time, i keep meeting other men on the site, i still don’t find one, i feel a little bit for, like i felt for him.

Eric, my biggest question is that, why all the men i always feel like i could date don’t fall too much for me, i mean they still love me, but they are not afraid of losing me, but those i don’t like would do anything to have me and treat me as a queen?
What am i doing wrong? Some of them say, i am too perfect, i don’t know what does that mean. I know i have my head on both my shoulders, but does that mean i am perfect? I am 28, well educated and very humble.
Sorry for my long essay. Hope to hear from you. Thanks

Reply December 5, 2013, 8:58 pm

Mallory

Well, I will admit that I didn’t read all of what you wrote…an essay? Hmm best to put your question at the top or join the forum. But, I will say that your biggest issue probably lies in the fact that you intentionally close yourself off to love if it comes from your own kind. I am a black woman as well, and tend to be attracted to men outside of my race, but this has nothing to do with skin color and more to do with the type of men I run into. Most black men I meet, are in college and only want to play the field, and although this may be a trend for most men, regardless of race, I open myself up to a lot more when I diversify my dating field. However, you seem to be openly rejecting any man if he’s a black man and that can be A VERY strong of self contempt and hate. You say you’re confident, but I don’t think you are in the slightest–if you rule any black man out simply because he’s black–that’s insecurity in your skin.

You then contradict yourself by saying ALL the men you encounter want you as their wife, and have this high desire for you, but then you ask why they don’t fall for you? Personally, you sound like you have a huge inflated ego, and my sincerest and most humble advice would be to start looking at the patterns. It sometimes hurts, but sometimes if we see a negative trend perpetuating itself, its time to stop seeing others as an issue and start looking internally for the signs and vibes we are dishing out.

It seems to me you think you’re an awesome catch (which in normal circumstances are great) but its an issue when you think you’re “fabulous, and everyone’s cup of tea, and the ultimate prize” but no man is ever willing to make that declaration themselves…

Reply March 17, 2014, 12:18 am

Styvana

Hi Eric Charles,
Amazing your site, as you if you’re live in front of us readers! I just want to ask what to do, how to reply when a guy is so into you at the beginning and he lists in details all the performance of his life? I mean, the person is really nice and interesting but how to formulate my answers back to him to give him the type of answers he wants to hear? i am afraid that if I write too short, he will be disappointed and if I write too long, he will think twice and take his distance?

Reply November 7, 2013, 2:01 pm

Kat

Okay so, I have had a crush on my best friends brother for about hmm 5 month now? and him and I have had a ‘thing’ for a while now and not long ago(a month or less) I had my first kiss with him.When ever i’m with him or around himand no one else is he acts like were pretty much dating, well he shows/acts like he does care and does show that kind of interest in me.We’ve talked a lot and once he brought up the topic of boundaries’ meaning things I was fine doing with him and things I didn’t want to do yet beause he said he didn’t want to make me feel uncomftable or anything. He’s asked me to hang out with him and his friends once but I couldn’t come :-P and when we are talking he always flirts with me and says/acts and he just so much fun and the first guy I’ve been comftable around and that I really like a lot.
I have talked to him about the subject of there being a chance of us being together and he said he would like to but not at the moment because he want to focus on him exams and he doesn’t want to ‘hurt’ me because he doesn’t have the time to be dating anyone or to treat a girl the way she should and so on. So I have accepted that and I compleatly understand, but at school around his friends or poeple in general he pretends like there has been nothing between us. Also I remember him mentioning he didn’t really want anyone to know about anything between us yet for some reason. There was a time when we were coming early to school to just hang out with eachother before everyone else came, one time we were cuddling/huggling sort of a thing and two people walked passed and he pulled away because he thought it was once of his friends or something, there was also a time when we were walking to the school canteen with his friend and his friend was a head of us and he pulled me back behind the wall and kissed me so that his friend wouldn’t see… This kind of makes me feel like he’s imbarrest of me or that he doesn’t want anyone to know because there is nothing to know?? ://
At school he doesn’t pay that much attention to me but he says that is because he is just used to his normal scedual of being with his friends and not me since we are in two different year groups sit in two compleatly different places. And about a couple of moths ago one of his best friend/ ex girlfriends ( I did some reasurch..) anyway, she left the country and most things happend a while after that… so I feel like a pass of time to him or something.. I feel like he is just using me atm while his friend is away, even though he says he isn’t using me he sometimes gives me that indication ://
Help, please?

Reply November 2, 2013, 5:40 am

nomsa

hie .
i have a guy who i hv dated for 2 1/2 years now, we love each other but i feel i want to settle down with him. I am in trouble with men coz when i am walking i catch everyone’s attention i am tired of such temptations. I can get any guy i want but i love him and want to be with him.

But my boyfreind told me i wont promise to marry you but i truly love you and dont be focussed on me only for marriage, but he goes mad and even cry if i try to date someone.Just wanted to know should i stick around or move on.

Worried .

Nomsa

Reply October 30, 2013, 6:47 am

Marie

II met this guy on line over a year ago; we went to dinner movies and many other outdoor activities. We get along very well. He is very loving and caring a true gentleman. About 8 months into our ” relationship” he was talking about a power plate vibrator that he purchased recently and he want me to try it out. He made it sound like it was a sex vibrator, even though we have had sex before I got upset and asked him what did he want from our ” relationship” His answers was that if I was planning on getting married right away it was best that he would leave at that very moment. He said that he had dated women in the past and they got too serious very quick and he got scared. I told him I did not want to get married right away in fact I was not sure if I wanted to get married ever. I Lied, I DO WANT TO SOME DAY. After that he has been acting distant. We have been meeting but I have been the one initiating and planning to see each other. Sometimes he asks about if I am a good cook and if my Kids are leaving the house in the near future. (my kids are 21 and 18) That makes me think that he is thinking about more than just a casual thing at some point in the future. I really like the way he holds me and kisses me, it seems very genuine. I am 44 and he is 52. He has been on his own for over 14 Years and raising his 2 kids, his wife left him for another man. I have been divorced for 3 years, after a marriage of 20 years. We are both business people and don’t have much available time, plus we live in different cities. We have not seen each other in two months, Not even talking much, unless I call or text first, which I stopped doing. He called me last week but he said he pocket dialed, I try to hung up right away since he called by accident but he stopped me and started asking how was I doing and stuff like that, we talked for a bit but he did not asked to see me. He has his 23 Year old son living with him temporary. We use to meet at his place mostly because I don’t feel comfortable introducing him to my Kids yet. I think he feels the same way about me meeting his kids. He is also very worried about his business at the moment. What should I do? I love him but I can’t let him know about that. PS. I am not an open person at all; he talks about himself and his life a lot more than I do about mine to him.
Please excuse my English this is my second language.

Thanks so much!
Marie

Reply October 18, 2013, 5:35 pm

Helen

Hey :)
So I really like this guy and I also have a feeling he likes me. Like he’s been asking me if I liked someone or not and once he even asked me if I liked him. But the thing is, his roommate really likes me and asked me out to homecoming about a week ago and I couldn’t refuse. And so now he’s asking my roommate out. I’m not sure if he’s trying to make me jealous or something. He seems like the type of guy who likes security and my roommate really likes him, so he asked my roommate because he’s sure that he won’t be denied. Does he actually like my roommate or is it just a way to get closer to me? He seems shy around me at time and then his normal self at other times so I don’t know what to think. Maybe he does like my roommate a lot. I don’t know. So basically what I’m asking is does he like me and what should I do in this situation? Thanks :)

Reply October 5, 2013, 11:42 pm

Marie

Eric, so say your crush was interested in you at one time, but you did the opposite of everything in your article and you were awkward and weird because you were afraid you’d do something to mess things up and now he has withdrawn. Is it too late to turn things around?

Reply June 30, 2013, 4:11 pm

hannah

i think that even if you are the most fabulous woman and the guy doesnt see you that way, there is no way you can make him like you.Us women we should not be bothered if the guy you like does not notice you or like you at all. There is always that someone who is crazy for the kind of person you are not because you make yourself “like me “mode . Thats why we are created differently because there is always a puzzle piece thats gonna fit for each of us .And that man is the one whos gonna look for you

Reply April 21, 2013, 6:37 am

Fiona

hello,
Why would a man after working so hard to create a beautiful romantic dinner and evening become a bear with a sore head the following morning?

Reply February 4, 2013, 8:43 pm

bibi

this is BS
maybe there are some people agreeing with what you wrote but for me is BS
when 2 people are meant to be toghether they will be no mater what they do / think / believe
im a girl, a very good looking one and I’ve beein single all my life, now Im 33 … I played pretty much all strategies here descriebed with no results
finally, ill go to a sperm bank in a few months to have a child with an anonymous donor … men are impossible to live with and i gave up, i guess no one is meant for me in this life

Reply October 11, 2012, 10:13 am

Karen

Maybe the BS is that you’re this “very good looking girl” who’s claiming she did everything right and yet has been single all her life. Ummmmmmmmmm…

Reply October 11, 2012, 9:58 pm

Pixie

Yes Karen….me thinks the mirrors lies to her lol :P

Reply December 4, 2012, 8:51 pm

Naomi

@bibi: I couldn’t agree with you more!! The only difference between you and myself is that you’re an attractive woman — me, not so. I’ve forever contemplated the anonymous sperm donor thing but for some reason, my conscience has been holding me back. Wish me a little luck!

Reply November 11, 2012, 12:11 am

Pixie

Hey Eric Charles,
What you wrote , made sense to me.
I`m considered Quirky, Weird, Spiritual and Beautiful, both inner
and out (am 43 yrs old who `looks to many 30 ish`
By many a male, (and female) me too,
However……tho I get a lot attraction and compliments, from
both sexes (AM 100% Heterosexual)
Whenever I actually feel attracted to a male, which is rare cos am so fussy,
I find that they are not attracted to me.
Yup , everyone has their taste in attractions, beauty is in the eye of the beholder blah blah..
Can you tell me why? x :p

Reply August 8, 2012, 5:56 pm

Rick

I think a lot of the reason people end up with people who they consider below their standards or chase people who are above is because they are afraid of reality. Guys grow up when a woman pushes them to be realistic. It’s a shame women don’t have anyone to push them to become realistic. You girls have it tough. Someone told you the prince is coming and all the guys acting like princes are usually users and con artists.

Reply April 12, 2012, 8:01 pm

Pixie

What do you mean by saying `realistic` Rick?
Your reality or theirs?

Am a firm believer in dreams…logically speaking, one must
create `reality` with a `goal` to achieve their dreams…
Spiritually speaking….one must dream for a `reality` to come to fruition.

Sensibly speaking, me thinks your to up your own bum to understand that every
single human, has a dream and a reality to fulfill.

Peace ~Pixie~

Reply August 8, 2012, 6:12 pm

April Marie

Hey I have a problem similar to this, i am dating this guy, but before we started dating, i was kind ok seeing this other guy, and i thought i loved him. But now that i’m looking back, i don’t this any of them “loved” me. I thought i loved them both, and one of them, the one i was seeing first lied to me, and the second cheated on me. I still feel something for both men, and i dont know what to do. Its complicated, and all i’m looking for is simple, why is that so hard to ask for? I mean both guys tell me they love me then lie and cheat on me, what should i do?

Reply February 2, 2012, 6:36 pm

G

All
I don’t think Eric or Sabrina are advocating manipulation tactics on this site to force anyone into liking you. What they’re saying is that if you focus on loving yourself and your life that others will naturally be drawn to you because you’re happy and fulfilled independently of anyone else. Of course everyone has their own taste but if you feel good about who you are and what you have to offer others will see that. I put everything they have said to practice and for the last few months I’ve been in a wonderful relationship. I’m telling you it’s very effective and I respect them and this site more than any other dating books and sites I’ve read. I’ll use myself as a good example as to how not being needy is effective. My bf is very attentive bc we took the time to get to know each other and I have my own life and career however I do have my moments where I feel needy. We all do but when I have those moments I find another activity or escape is wonderful. Last night for instance I was out of town and my bf was out with a friend. I felt lonely bc I was on the road however he was out with a friend and I wanted him to have his time away without me bothering him. Instead of texting or calling I made plans with coworkers for a nice dinner. I left him alone and did something fun to satisfy my time away. I had a blast going out with my colleagues. This morning I woke up to a message from my bf saying how much he loved, missed me and couldn’t wait to see me. Now imagine if I had given into my needy moment and bothered him. I don’t normally feel that way but we have those crazy times unfortunately. The point is that you can fill your life with many wonderful people and activities. When you feel needy the best thing you can do is not act on it and find something else to fill your time.

Reply January 12, 2012, 11:23 pm

Lindsey

First, I would like to say that I truly appreciate what you and Sabrina are doing here. I posted a question in the forum yesterday. After reading the above article, I realize that I already know the answer. My question followed the lines of “how do I know if he’s interested.” The truth is that I feel that he is indeed interested in me, however because of insecurities and what not I over analyze everything and then look for reasons that might show that he is not interested…. I guess as a self defense mechanism, too scared of looking like a fool in the end so I go the other way and play things too cool ( probly confusing the hell out of guys) In the past I have even purposely told guys that I just wanted to be friends even though I definitely wanted more, to avoid getting hurt. Funny thing is I still end up hurt anyways… so any sane person would think well then if I still end up hurt by playing it safe then why not take a chance- I know I can handle and survive heart breaks…. yet I always find myself self-sabotaging relationships. Any ways, the advice you offered in this article really struck a nerve with me, so I just wanted you and Sabrina to know that what you are doing is awesome.

Reply January 11, 2012, 12:16 pm

Eric Charles

Hey Lindsey, I’m glad to hear that what we do has been helpful for you and I really appreciate everything you wrote here.

Reply January 11, 2012, 12:44 pm

chantelle

what do I do when my bf says I love you? because he told me he loved me and I don’t know what to say

Reply January 5, 2012, 11:22 pm

Eric Charles

Hmmm…
.
Well, if you love him, you say, “I love you too.”
.
And if you don’t… I guess say anything else. :)

Reply January 5, 2012, 11:24 pm

JESSICA

Well… I had a best friend for 3 years. He knew everything about me, we bonded and he introduced me to his family. I often went to church with them, and Christmas/holidays. He was a big part of my life. We had issues. He and I would see other people and still hang out as friends but kind of always knew that we like eachother. He would always be calling me. I was sexually assaulted when we were friends and he was there for me. We grew very close. I think we were both scared to be vulnerable to someone or intimate. I was in counseling and working through my issues. He treated me so well until we decided to stop seeing other people and he became a little vulnerable. He has committment issues. He would say I like you sometimes and sometimes I dont. Then he said your someone I can see myself marrying, then he would say I never said that. It was hard for me to deal with. Our relationship became unhealthy because of me being irrational and jumping to conclusions/not trusting and him not committing. I took a break for a while then came back into his life because I missed him then we became more intimate. I dont want to have sex until im married and he never really tried to have sex with me because he didnt want to hurt me. well at this point we are pretty intimate. He would hold me all night and kiss me and it was beautiful. I could not stop the voices in my head worrying whether he was going to commit to me or not. He wasnt able to tell me what I wanted to hear. He decided to go to counseling for his commitment issues ( This was a year ago). He said he knows we will talk again but we need serious space. He has told me he wants to fix things with me and that I’ve always been more than just a chick to him. He says when he’s with me he doesnt want to be anywhere else and we need to get stronger. He sent me an email stating he loved me very much and that he needs to work on himself so he wont hurt me anymore.Of course he’s so senstive about that stuff that if I ask him remember when you said you wanted to fix things with me … he will get upset and not want to talk about it because he thinks I need too much reassurance. I admit I have been needy in the past but it didn’t bother him before. He says we need space.Right now we dont talk. We’ve texted 2 times in the last 5 months. I miss him and it’s so hard for me because I dont know what to do. Please give me insight

Reply December 27, 2011, 11:56 pm

Daniel

i’m a guy, and agree with “I lose interest once guys become interested in me”
this happend to me once
we talked random stuffs, we liked same musics, she picked me as her lab partner and other things we did together
i wasnt into her at first, but when i did, she started keeping her distance, i dont know why
maybe i mistook her for just being a friendly person

Reply December 14, 2011, 11:40 pm

Daniel

i agree with the “I lose interest once guys become interested in me.” part
This happend to me once…
we talked about random things, had fun, liked the same musics, picked me as her lab partner and stuff…
i wanst into her that time…but when i did…
she started keeping her distance…
maybe i mistook her for just being a friendly person…

Reply December 14, 2011, 11:31 pm

Out of Curiosity

I understand having confidence and how that is sexy. But when you walk into a place acting like you own everything and everyone wants you that’s a fine line to walk and honestly ins’t appealing in the slightest, to me. You can be confident and say I’m a sexy beast. If you don’t like me meh fine someone else will that’s fine that is confident. But to me if your saying oh I know you want this is such a major turn off, it’s ridiculous.

You are correct that you will carry this air around you and it will be picked up by others. But when I get a whiff of that air from a man it’s such a turn off. It may work on some women and drive them bat shi* crazy. But I find it pretentious. I will ignore his advances and tell him I’m not interested and that’s when the guy goes into shock and awe mode then proceeds in the I need to impress you mode, which is another no no for me. Then he’s stuck on stupid fixating on me because he can tell he is fake and if he’s not being fake…oh man that’s so much worse. Maybe men find that attractive I dunno. I just find such airs about a person is a repellant.

So I guess what I’m saying is be careful when practicing I know everyone wants me vibe.

Reply December 1, 2011, 11:57 pm

Eric Charles

You do make a point that there is a wrong way to do this…
.
When someone is doing it right, they feel more relaxed… they finally let go. It is a pathway to them accepting themselves and putting their focus and attention on the audience that responds well to them.
.
When someone is doing it wrong, they feel more tense and like they are on trial. They feel like they need to shove their “awesomeness” down everyone else’s throat and it is a pathway toward being an object of ridicule since these people are trying to force the audience that does not like them into liking them.
.
And yes, it is repulsive by nature. Nature doesn’t like forcing things – nature likes ease.

Reply December 2, 2011, 12:51 am

Almost Famous

@ Eric, wouldn’t being *this* confident in yourself = guys thinking you’re full of yourself? I think I intimidate guys sometimes.

Also, how do you deal with this pseudo attraction when you’re in an environment when you have to constantly see each other? IE: in school when you’ve gone out and hes withdrawn and yet you still have to see his stupid face every week…How do you be cool without making things awkward?

Reply December 1, 2011, 4:40 am

Eric Charles

Well I’ll give you an answer that I think you’ll be able to understand.
.
If you don’t want people to think you’re full of yourself… then don’t be full of yourself. Don’t worry about what you think people think you are (a losing battle).
.
If you’re going to worry about anything – worry about what you ACTUALLY are… And if you’re not full of yourself, no reason to worry.
.
On the other hand, there is such thing as false confidence where a person really believes that they are incredibly flawed / unworthy and they overcompensate by telling everyone that they’re SOOOOO great and SOOOO amazing and everything is SOOOO great for them. Meanwhile, everyone around them is rolling their eyes and feeling embarrassed for that person.
.
That’s not what I am talking about when I say assume the guy wants you – I’m talking about an internal assumption that you keep within yourself. When you have that, it comes across as confidence and not a warped attempt at confidence (like conceit or arrogance).
.
Also… in terms of having to see someone that you went out with but things didn’t pan out…
.
Well, that’s fortunately not a problem later in life (unless you date a co-worker or go to a really small college), but since you’re in that place now…
.
The best thing you can do is just BE cool about it – it all starts within you. Be cool, don’t be awkward… you can only be responsible for your own feelings and actions. So if he can’t deal with it, then you know that you tried your best to be cool with him and that the awkwardness is on him (assuming you genuinely try with compassion and openness towards him).
.
Hope it helps.

Reply December 1, 2011, 12:23 pm

Jerilyn

Eric-

You have such amazing advice and I have agreed with most everything you have said in all your posts. I wish I could shrink you down and carry you around in my pocket to keep me from making the same mistakes over and over again.

Reply November 26, 2011, 3:09 pm

Eric Charles

Haha – thanks Jerilyn, that rocks. Glad you like my stuff.
.
As for shrinking me down in your pocket. I’m working on that (sort of).
.
Stay tuned for the A New Mode Dating Book, coming out very soon… currently editing it. Download that sucker to your smart phone and I’ll be in your pocket whenever you need me. :)

Reply November 26, 2011, 4:12 pm

Jerilyn

Super quick question that isn’t exactly related to this topic but it relates to dating so here it goes:

I recently starting dating a guy I met online that does not live in the same city. Everything moved pretty quickly and then he withdrew (which I admit I was probably being a little needy- I know, my bad!) but I have tried giving him his space and have been working on me. I realized by reading your post that the reason I was being needy is because there is something that I’m struggling with. So now here is my question.. If I pull back and give him space, will he think that I am no longer interested?

Reply December 1, 2011, 1:35 pm

leni

Hi,

I am 27 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. He is 3 years younger than me. 3 years into the relationship he used to ask me if I would marry if he asked, I always laughed it off.
Then in the fourth year i started to mention it here and there and make plans for holidays together (never been on holiday with him) etc. he then started to back off. he broke up with me once because he said he did not want to commit to me and wanted to go out and enjoy his youth. he then came crawling back. I love him so took him back.
Now he has started again. every time we are having a nice time on a picnic or day out and it’s all just perfect he says to me ‘how much longer can you do this for?’ when I ask him what he means he just says ‘I mean what I say. I cannot commit to anyone right now or any time in the future. I don’t know where my life is going and you need to realise that no relationship lasts forever.’ So i ask him if he’s trying to dump me because he doesn’t love me, he says ‘no’.He wants to stay with me but just needs to make sure I know he cannot commit or promise me anything. What the heck is that supposed to mean?

To em it just screams: ‘you will do for now but I could never see myself with you in the long run. As soon as I find something better I want to en sure I can dispose of you quickly’ – please help!

Reply November 25, 2011, 6:59 pm

Greg

Your spot on, I think. Either he doesn’t want to deal with the emotions or he is just waiting for the “next best thing” I could be wrong considering I am not as..Qualified as Eric obviously is. I am simply putting down a thought. Perhaps you should cut it off, if he has that mindset and you end up getting married the now 50% chance of all marriages ending in divorce does shoot up a little..Like I said, just a thought.

Reply December 6, 2011, 5:36 pm

Jamie

Hi.i broke up with my ex about 3 months ago because it was obvious he didnt want anything serious and i didnt mean to him as much as he meant for me.he called twice to check on me after that casually.i missed him and called him once to say that.we met for drinks but didnt talk much.i assumed he wasnt interested or else wouldnt he have something to say after 2 months of no contact?i decided to move on and not think about it much.after all i gave it a shot when i called and set up a meeting.The trouble i m having is that he s always calling now,every 2 or 3 days, and its never clear wether he wants to meet me or not!we talk for 2 minutes ,he asks whats up,asks where i am,asks if i was nearby to see me and when it s evident that there’s not much to talk about,we hang up.i never say i m available to meet him because he s always calling around 9 pm.if he was serious about meeting me wouldnt he schedule it before?
Should i ask him why he s calling?or stop answering his phone calls?

Reply November 25, 2011, 5:39 am

Naomi

Devon made a good point…very much agreed!

On that note, if this girl is dying to know if she has any chance with this guy, she should just ask him casually if he’d like to hang out sometime. That way she’ll get an answer directly from him and not trying to get answers by playing “telephone”/asking friends.

Reply November 24, 2011, 4:56 am

Devon Brown

While I agree with the vast majority of this post, there is another option that wasn’t focused on. The guy might simply not have an interest in her. Everyone has different opinions on what is attractive. I knew a guy who used to tell me that the homecoming queen wasn’t attractive. My response was incredulous. I said, “What? Tall, blonde, and beautiful isn’t your type?” And the fact is that it wasn’t his type. He didn’t like tall women or blondes. His preference, that’s all. Doesn’t make him right or wrong, it is just how it is.

Not everyone is meant to be for everyone. People come and go in our lives at various times and for various reasons. Finding a relationship is often times simply a confluence of a number of factors. And dwelling on those factors sometimes just makes things even more difficult.

Just my thoughts…

Reply November 23, 2011, 3:01 pm

Eric Charles

True.

Reply November 23, 2011, 3:36 pm

Amanda

Wow, great comment Devon! so true. And that’s where the “women’s dilemma” comes up- deciding whether to “convince him”to like you….or just let it go because he simply isn’t interested at all i.e., you’re not his type.
And often times, as women, we’ll go straight into “i’ll make him like me” mode, invest so much into trying to make him warm up to you. If he’s a douchebag supreme then he might even pretend to play along so he can get laid or something…then eventually- he’s going to disappear. Leaving the woman even more confused, sad, angry etc with herself for even bothering.

Sometimes…sometimes…you can get someone to warm up to you. But as with other things in life- you win some you lose some.

Reply February 15, 2012, 8:20 am

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