Ask A Guy: Why Do Guys Vanish After A Great First Date? post image

Ask A Guy: Why Do Guys Vanish After A Great First Date?


I’ve gone out with three different guys in the past month. With all of these guys, we talk and have a good time for a few hours over coffee. He asks me out for a second date, and takes down my phone number. He even talks specifics for the next date (what day, what we might do). None of these guys actually call me to schedule the next date.

What is going on here? I can see this happening maybe once, but three times? …and what is the rationale behind asking a girl out and then never calling? If he doesn’t like me, why doesn’t he just not ask me out again, or just not ask for my phone number?

Read on for our guy’s response!

Well, it could be one of two things. Either the guys really genuinely do like you and do want to go on a date or they don’t and they don’t want to hurt your feelings.

If they did want to go on a second date with you, then maybe the reason they’re not calling you is because they don’t think you’re into them. Guys can be somewhat uneasy at first when they meet a woman. It varies from guy to guy (and also depends on how many women he’s dated), but sometimes it takes a bright blinking neon sign in order for a guy to know that a woman likes him.

As guys get more experienced with women, they generally know that their best bet is to assume the woman is interested in them and act accordingly (respectfully, of course). However, not all guys come from this place of internal validation and they look to the woman for signs to see if she’s attracted. Meanwhile, if the woman is guarded, playing hard-to-get or just not a very expressive type of person, the guy will feel like “she’s not that into him”.

I mean, it is possible that these guys don’t want to hurt your feelings and so they say they’ll go on another date, but from what you described it does sound a little odd to have 3 different guys do virtually the same thing.

Now a woman might ask, “What are things that women might unconsciously do that signal to a guy that she’s not interested.” Off the top of my head, I would say:

  • Texting/taking a phone call during a date (I mean, if you genuinely have to and you’re apologetic, that’s fine. Otherwise, red flag.)
  • Not smiling.
  • Not really participating in the conversation. He talks and you respond with a minimal response and an unexcited tone.
  • Actively showing disinterest in talking with him – paying attention to other things happening in the room, checking the time, etc. etc.

At the same time, there’s a possibility that you could be coming across too eager. This is a definite scenario where a guy will want to get out of there as soon as possible and disappear. What makes a guy think you’re too eager? I think it mainly comes down to one thing: you communicate that you have some problem (you’re not happy with your life, you don’t like being single, you are depressed, etc.) and then you talk about how you’ve been looking for a relationship.

Guys aren’t anti-relationship. Guys will get into a relationship with a woman who brings out the best in them and who they feel great being with. But if you communicate to him that a relationship with him is going to be some kind of life-preserver or crutch or key to being happy, he will definitely not want to pursue a relationship. His feeling is that he’s got enough problems of his own to deal with without having to take on someone else’s.

However, these are definitely not the types of things that a woman would say outright. I can’t imagine a woman saying, “I am pretty miserable, but I want you to date me because I think it will make me feel better.” Who knows… maybe some women have.

Usually the guy pieces together whether or not dating you is going to be more of a liability than a good thing for him. He asks about your life. He gets a sense of how much you enjoy your life and what you do in your life. If you pretty much don’t enjoy anything - you don’t really like your friends anymore, you don’t like your job, you don’t like your lifestyle, etc. – then he is definitely going to avoid dating you because he doesn’t want to be the guy who has to perk you up.

So if you feel like you might fall into the category of being too eager for a date or relationship, then it would be worthwhile to start exploring ways to enjoy your life more in it of itself. Enjoy being with your friends, enjoy doing things that you love, enjoy what you’re doing in the meantime. Take care of yourself. Enjoy your life so much that you could be perfectly content not having a date or a boyfriend for a while. When you learn to love life while being single, love inevitably finds you. (Yuck, so cliche, but it seemed like a nice ending and it’s true.)

Recommended Reading: How to Turn Off a Man On Your First Date.

Hope it helps!

- eric charles

{ 29 comments… add one }

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Alice

I had two dates with people I met online…First guy: we talked a lot, we texted a lot, he added me on facebook. Good morning, good night messages and whatnot. We went out, we went to a bar had a couple of drinks we talked about everything going out in our lives, we both agreed we had a great time…then he vanished, not a text from him ever again.
Second guy: same story, met him online…texted each other day and night. Agreed to meet in a public place. He asked me beer or coffee so I said coffee. He talked a lot, didn’t let me talk much…he seemed eager to talk and as soon as I was going to speak he would interrupt. We went to the park (after the coffee) sit there for half and hour and he spoke about his family and when we said goodbye he gave me the biggest hug and said he would love to see me again he also said “I really enjoyed this, whenever I don’t enjoy dates I am very quiet and I just listen, but I had a great time with you” said this I left…and guess? no texts…no nothing
needless to say I got very hurt for this, and I am just wondering if there’s something wrong with me.

Reply November 12, 2014, 11:54 am

anon

I went on a great date about a week ago. He took me out for drinks and dinner and we had a great time. We played some games and we kissed a few times. Throughout the date he complimented me and told me he thought i was attractive. He asked me if he could see me again, I said yes, of course. Then we kissed again. Then I went home. Haven’t heard from him. Asked him to get together next week to show that I am interested because sometimes guy need to knowknow or be reassured. He said he was busy that day and didn’t say anything else and didn’t reply to a simple follow up text (to start a conversation). It has been a few days, this ain’t going nowhere. If he didn’t want to see me why kiss me and ask me out again?? If I see him again, I do, but I am not waiting around for him.

Reply August 14, 2014, 2:49 am

Ana

This whole first-date-no-call is annoying. I had a wonderful date with a great guy. He pursued like crazy, and we chatted nonstop on the night itself. The only place I think I went wrong is that I was too affectionate with him – but I was mirroring how he acted. I refused to sleep with him on the first night – I wasn’t ready, wasn’t in the mood, I didn’t want him as a one night stand. He was confused…he said, “If I liked you just for sex, I would have ended this date a long time ago.” Otherwise, the night was lovely. I don’t hate my life, and I was clear that I enjoyed my time with him. Next thing I know, he’s cancelled our second date, which he himself scheduled. Ridiculous. Another reason a man will not go on a second date? Perhaps it’s because he’s not looking for the same thing you are. If you’re not on the same page, then well… He still calls me baby and I can’t be bothered to ask for plans or go find him when he’s out even if he tells me (more or less) where he is.

Reply May 30, 2014, 1:09 am

anon

I think it is hard to tell what people want on the first date. I met a guy online and on my profile, I make it very clear that I am looking to date hoping for it to evolve into something more. I want a relationship basically. I think that is pretty straight forward. I think it was made clear that he was looking for sex. I have so much respect for you for sticking to your boundaries.

Reply August 14, 2014, 2:53 am

Krista

Okay I have lived across the street from a guy for 6 years. He has had a crush on me the entire time, and tried to talk to me quite a few times but I was in a relationship and also not interested cause he is a year younger than me. About 6 months ago I finally gave him a chance, and we have been talking ever since. We had only been talking over the phone because he is in the Marines. He was very serious about our budding relationship, he showed a lot of interest in my child and also offered to pay for me to come visit him; I wasn’t able to go. He finally came to visit last month and we hung out, unfortunately I got very intoxicated as did he. His friends all liked me a lot, but I thought I had ruined things with him because he acted differently. Then, he went back to the Marines and started talking to me again and seemed even more interested than before. He is here visiting again this month. We hung out and he brought me out with him for his guys night – good sign, or so I thought. Well apparently not. He stopped talking to me and I asked him what’s going on.. he said he can’t be in a relationship cause he is about to be sent to Afghanistan. This is obviously a cop out. I just can’t figure out what I did wrong. One of his friends likes me and was buying me drinks the night we went out, I did spend a lot of time with him but for me we are just friends. The guy I was actually dating is very shy and inexperienced, but I payed as much attention to him as I could while still enjoying myself. We both were very intoxicated when we went out, he doesn’t even remember most of the night..neither do I. Could it be that he is irritated that I spent so much time hanging with his friend, or did he just decide he’s not that into me? Also, the day after he ended things he hooked up with another girl. It was odd because a few days before he was talking about how this girl is so jealous of me. It made me wonder if all he had wanted from me was sex, which he did not get and was not going to get for a while.

Reply December 29, 2013, 11:41 pm

Nicole

Hi Eric,
I am extremely confused here. I went on a double date with my sis and her fiance. A Co worker of sister’s fiance was my date. Prior to that me and him had exchanged phone numbers. Calling each other back and forth, and texting each other non stop. But for some reason he just stopped doing that altogether all this week. I’ll text him and he’ll respond but he won’t text me on his own like he was before. he’ll answer me with a short answer and then that’s it. We all had a great ride plus he post pictures of me and him together on the social network. Not sure what’s going on with him or what I did wrong. Please help explain

Reply November 1, 2013, 2:00 am

liviu

The answer is more simple and painful. The girl is unatractive (better say is fat) and she concealed this “detail”. She did not give the guys pictures with her or in those pictures only her face ant tits are visible. When the dating hapened, the guys got scared and ran away.
Simple.

Reply October 15, 2013, 12:24 am

anon

Ummm no. Why does a woman always have to be fat to a man? Maybe the man is a baby and a wuss??

Reply August 14, 2014, 2:55 am

Jenny

I’m into this guy at work, he’s far more superior than me and we don’t get a lot of chance to meet as we work on different stuff. But we met before and that’s this chemistry I can feel he’s nervous around me. Usually he’s all smiles and easy with other people. Recently he made an excuse for me to work for him on something. I’m trying to play it cool but to be honest on the inside I’m melting for him. I know the don’t get your hopes up too early kinda stuff and I’m trying to maintain level headed. The problem is, whenever I see him I just can’t concentrate and be myself. I’m usually a very friendly and warm person to others too, but all that just gone out of the window when he’s around. I can’t even smile as I’m dead serious looking at him whilst guarding my heart at the same time. We make eye contacts and I’m trying to help him the best way I can on this project without asking for anything back as I’m generally a content person who wants to do my best and there’s no problem of me doing the same for him. My concern is, I’m too nervous and I’m falling too fast. We haven’t even started to be honest. What’s your advise? What’s the best way to play it so to speak (not referring to playing games here). I don’t want to fall so fast but I can’t seem to stop myself.

Reply September 29, 2013, 7:11 pm

Atinaa

“I can’t imagine a woman saying, “I am pretty miserable, but I want you to date me because I think it will make me feel better.” Who knows… maybe some women have.”

Haha, after this guy pursuing me via text and phone for several months, I went on a first date with him and on the ride back I did say that. I was just being honest. I really thought going out with him would perk me up. He said he wanted to go on a second date…but then stopped replying to my texts. I guess maybe honesty is not the best policy.

The funny thing is when I am happy being alone, I usually am not all that interested in dating. I’m interested in dating when I need someone around me. I guess that makes too much sense to actually work in the real world…dont feel sad and lonely, and that is when you’ll get someone. Not when you actually need someone. Brilliant. LOL

As it is, I think I will be fine without him. I do feel in the end I’m not ready to date right now, plus he wasnt all that attractive (nice though).

Reply June 2, 2013, 2:03 am

TheGirl

You wrote:
some kind of life-preserver or crutch or key to being happy, he will definitely not want to pursue a relationship. His feeling is that he’s got enough problems of his own to deal with without having to take on someone else’s.Ho

Really Ho?? Isn’t that disrespectful?

Reply May 23, 2013, 4:36 pm

Eric Charles

Haha, nice catch. Thanks, fixed it.

Reply May 27, 2013, 1:05 am

Salli

Hi Eric,
I went on a first date with this guy, who asked me out. During the date we talked for about 2.5 hours non-stop. He was a gent and paid for dinner, so later that night I texted him ” thanks for dinner, I had fun.” He texted back, “yeah I did too, have fun at work tomorrow ;)”.
When should I text him back…. All my friends are like…. Don’t text him till 3-4 days later or else you will seem needy. But I don’t want him to feel like I am not interested either. But I don’t know how to respond back to his text because it is a closed response….does it warrant a response? I really like this guy. We seemed to click, but….I hate playing the game….

Reply March 14, 2012, 3:18 am

Roni

Hi Eric
I had never found a website like yours that offers such practical advice. I like the fact that you say things as they are no matter how hard some facts are to take in. I have a male close friend that I have gone out with over the last several months but we ended up kissing twice and since then things have changed. Communication has really slowed and he seems more withdrawn but reading some of your articles has not only helped me answer lots of questions that I had but also learn how to deal with the situation and believe me I am doing really well that one wouldn’t know unless I told them so thanks again.

Reply March 6, 2012, 5:14 am

nina

I’ve had a similar problem where the guys actually initiate contact after the first date, call and txts, coming on pretty strong and interested and then cancels the second date at the last second (practically standing me up) .. This has happened to me 3 times in a row? I liked these guys..so after they cancel I initially get upset, they apologize, but then I start chasing them by contacting them..which they respond to initially..and then it fizzles out..

Reply December 9, 2011, 10:45 pm

Kelly

What if one is trapped in a depressing rural town due to a seemingly endless cycle of poverty and poor health?

Reply December 4, 2011, 9:21 pm

Eric Charles

You can either take the attitude of a victim or of a proactive person.
.
And if you feel this is the case for you, then you would do best to do whatever you have to do to free yourself from your situation. No sense in thinking about having a relationship if your life isn’t in order for it.

Reply December 4, 2011, 10:05 pm

Kelly

What if ones life really is completely negative? And that guy really would be the only good thing to look forward to that day? What’s there left to do, be fake? I say its good to be yourself and instead if making up stories going on about how eventful your life is, go ahead and say look things arentgreat right now I’m not gonna lie.
Just my two cents.

Reply December 4, 2011, 5:35 am

Eric Charles

If one’s life is COMPLETELY negative, then they need to fix their life immediately. Good relationships flow from a good, full, well-balanced life.
.
Even in tough times, it’s possible to have a positive attitude and to be optimistic.
.
No faking necessary.

Reply December 4, 2011, 12:08 pm

L

What those guys did was rude, plain and simple. Asking for a date and not following up is a obnoxious way to act no matter how many pretty explanations you can think of for how it’s actually the woman’s fault. Why do guys do this? Because no one is willing to say it’s rude and unacceptable.

Reply October 28, 2011, 10:28 am

shana

ive been with this guy and we had a good time for the fist date in the second date we made out and he didnt call or text after that :(( what is going on?

Reply September 10, 2011, 1:00 am

Jessye Davis

Had a double blind “outing” with a mature man (Bob) (I am a mature woman). My girlfriend (Carol) set it up. My girlfriend reinforced to Bob that it was just an outing, not a date. So although we all had a great time. (Bob brought his friend along for Carol and we had great fun. Carol’s date asked for her phone number, but Bob never asked for my number. Bob really seemed to like me, but again he never asked for my number. Bob’s daughter is married to Carol’s son. I really like Bob, but again, he never asked for my phone number.
What does that mean?

Reply July 18, 2011, 1:50 pm

Sherell

I think just saying you had a good time at the end of the date is enough. Let him pursue you, if he is interested. Asking if he feels the same or asking if he is interested comes off as desperate and probably turns guys off. No challenge.

Reply April 23, 2011, 12:20 am

sara

Hi Eric

I want your help on understanding what happened in my last relationship. Its a long story, is there any chance I could email you in private?

Love Sara x

Reply January 6, 2011, 9:21 am

Gracey

well, obviously, if the guy is interested, he’d ask you out again. not doin’ so just means he’s not that interested or not so into you. :)

Reply January 19, 2010, 9:14 pm

Heather

I have had this happen too. Usually after a date I will email or text, thank him for a wonderful time, the dinner, whatever, say I had fun and would be interested in hearing from him again if he feels the same. And then leave it. I have also asked them to be completely honest and tell me if they are not interested. I am a big girl and can handle the rejection rather then the days of waiting to hear from someone who won’t be calling.
I hate the dating game.

Reply September 7, 2009, 3:59 pm

Eric Charles

Yeah, you could say it like that.

It happens, but it’s usually not the case with secure and/or experienced guys.

Reply August 25, 2009, 11:13 pm

Keli

So you’re saying, “that he’s just not into you” could be because he did not think you were into him…

oh boi.

Reply August 25, 2009, 10:21 am

Patrick

I’m surprised that you would be surprised. News flash: guys want a girl that’s into them as well.

Reply October 9, 2014, 12:21 pm

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