I’ve gone out with three different guys in the past month. With all of these guys, we talk and have a good time for a few hours over coffee. He asks me out for a second date, and takes down my phone number. He even talks specifics for the next date (what day, what we might do). None of these guys actually call me to schedule the next date.
What is going on here? I can see this happening maybe once, but three times? …and what is the rationale behind asking a girl out and then never calling? If he doesn’t like me, why doesn’t he just not ask me out again, or just not ask for my phone number?
Read on for our guy’s response!
Well, it could be one of two things. Either the guys really genuinely do like you and do want to go on a date or they don’t and they don’t want to hurt your feelings.
If they did want to go on a second date with you, then maybe the reason they’re not calling you is because they don’t think you’re into them. Guys can be somewhat uneasy at first when they meet a woman. It varies from guy to guy (and also depends on how many women he’s dated), but sometimes it takes a bright blinking neon sign in order for a guy to know that a woman likes him.
As guys get more experienced with women, they generally know that their best bet is to assume the woman is interested in them and act accordingly (respectfully, of course). However, not all guys come from this place of internal validation and they look to the woman for signs to see if she’s attracted. Meanwhile, if the woman is guarded, playing hard-to-get or just not a very expressive type of person, the guy will feel like “she’s not that into him”.
I mean, it is possible that these guys don’t want to hurt your feelings and so they say they’ll go on another date, but from what you described it does sound a little odd to have 3 different guys do virtually the same thing.
Now a woman might ask, “What are things that women might unconsciously do that signal to a guy that she’s not interested.” Off the top of my head, I would say:
- Texting/taking a phone call during a date (I mean, if you genuinely have to and you’re apologetic, that’s fine. Otherwise, red flag.)
- Not smiling.
- Not really participating in the conversation. He talks and you respond with a minimal response and an unexcited tone.
- Actively showing disinterest in talking with him – paying attention to other things happening in the room, checking the time, etc. etc.
At the same time, there’s a possibility that you could be coming across too eager. This is a definite scenario where a guy will want to get out of there as soon as possible and disappear. What makes a guy think you’re too eager? I think it mainly comes down to one thing: you communicate that you have some problem (you’re not happy with your life, you don’t like being single, you are depressed, etc.) and then you talk about how you’ve been looking for a relationship.
Guys aren’t anti-relationship. Guys will get into a relationship with a woman who brings out the best in them and who they feel great being with. But if you communicate to him that a relationship with him is going to be some kind of life-preserver or crutch or key to being happy, he will definitely not want to pursue a relationship. His feeling is that he’s got enough problems of his own to deal with without having to take on someone else’s.
However, these are definitely not the types of things that a woman would say outright. I can’t imagine a woman saying, “I am pretty miserable, but I want you to date me because I think it will make me feel better.” Who knows… maybe some women have.
Usually the guy pieces together whether or not dating you is going to be more of a liability than a good thing for him. He asks about your life. He gets a sense of how much you enjoy your life and what you do in your life. If you pretty much don’t enjoy anything – you don’t really like your friends anymore, you don’t like your job, you don’t like your lifestyle, etc. – then he is definitely going to avoid dating you because he doesn’t want to be the guy who has to perk you up.
So if you feel like you might fall into the category of being too eager for a date or relationship, then it would be worthwhile to start exploring ways to enjoy your life more in it of itself. Enjoy being with your friends, enjoy doing things that you love, enjoy what you’re doing in the meantime. Take care of yourself. Enjoy your life so much that you could be perfectly content not having a date or a boyfriend for a while. When you learn to love life while being single, love inevitably finds you. (Yuck, so cliche, but it seemed like a nice ending and it’s true.)
Hope it helps!
– eric charles