Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Does he have feelings for me? Do I tell him I have feelings for him?
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Cindy
I started dating a guy a few months ago and things were going great. We established that we were exclusive and began sleeping together. A few months later, his ex wanted to get back together. He and his ex have been off and on for the last year and a half and he’s told me that it was toxic. He told me from day 1 that he had just broken up with his ex and that they’d been in a toxic off and on relationship for over a year. He was honest with me and told me he wanted to get back together with her, but wanted to stay friends with me. I agreed to just being friends because we have fun together and have a lot in common.
Here’s the problem. He and his gf have been back together for the last 2 weeks and during that time, he’s spent every single day except 1 texting me almost all day long. In the last 11 days, he’s spent 8 of those with me. And it doesn’t seem to be slowing down any time soon. We just made plans for the weekend. It’s been fun, we go places, spend time at my house, and he’s bonded with my cat. It’s really nice, but it also feels like we’re more than just friends. But he’s still with his gf – even though I have no idea when he sees her since he’s always with me. And tbh, I have feelings for him and would like to be more than friends too. But we haven’t crossed that line and I don’t intend to.
He is flirtatious with me, he tells me I’m beautiful, adorable, pretty, sexy, and super fun to hang out with, he buys me small little gifts, brings groceries over, and has cooked dinner for us a few times (both at my place and his). He even came over one morning and cooked me a nice breakfast and we hung out before I went to work in the afternoon. It FEELS like we’re dating. It FEELS like a relationship. Even my next door neighbors, who are good friends of mine, thought he was my boyfriend because he’s been over here so often.
It’s a very weird situation and I know I’m playing with fire, but there’s such a strong connection there it’s hard for me to break it.
Do you think he’ll leave her and start dating me? That would be what I would want but I’m just not sure where he’s at and what he’s thinking. Should I tell him I have feelings for him and want him to be with me instead of her? Or should I just continue to be his friend and keep things completely platonic? Walking away and not having him in my life isn’t an option at this point. We’re too close now and he really has become one of my closest friends.
MaddieI’m going to be straight with you. Unless you’re both extremely young, like teenagers or early 20s, then the only people who have long term off and on and off and on relationships tend to be incredibly insecure or emotionally immature or both.
It doesn’t matter what things feel like, he has told you he’s not your boyfriend. Listen to him, he’s telling you the truth. Mismatch between words and actions = inconsistency and no real commitment. Inconsistency in general is one of the biggest red flags in dating that there is. Don’t be fooled into putting up with it. If you allow it, some men can act like your boyfriend, because they enjoy the girlfriend experience and benefits and attention and validation and ego strokes you give them, without ever seeing things moving towards a real relationship.
From your description, he’s being a total selfish jerk to you and to his girlfriend. At best, has a fearful avoidant attachment style. This means he’s only comfortable getting close but not too close. It feels best for him if he can have his cake and eat it too: be physically intimate with one woman and emotionally intimate with another so that he’s always got one foot out with everyone and doesn’t need to feel scared of being all in with any one person and getting hurt if things go south with that one person. Do yourself a favor and move on from him romantically before you’re collateral damage for his own issues and the careless way he handles them! If he ever commit to you, it would be only temporary and he’d still not give you his all, and it would keep being painful for you. That has nothing to do with you or your value or being chosen, or even him having or not having feelings. It’s just his pattern and what he wants and is capable of unless he decides to grow up one day (takes a long time with lots of self work and usually therapy). That’s a big if, so cut your losses and have some self-respect instead by closing the door on him romantically. And ask yourself why you want to date someone emotionally unavailable who can’t commit to you instead of someone who gives you a hell yes and their full attention. Don’t you deserve better than scraps on the side?
mamaHe’s showing you exactly who he is right now. Imagine it all turns out the way you want… he starts a relationship with you and is exclusive, blah blah blah. Who’s to say he won’t do to you what he’s doing to his girlfriend right now?
Maddie is on point with her assessment of him being insecure and/or emotionally immature. Either way he’s not a catch no matter how much chemistry you have with him.
RavenHe’s on & off with his toxic (ex) girlfriend. He’s texting you all day & has plans with you, not his GF… How absolutely charming of him (sarcasm).
You know if you continue seeing this cheeter, he’ll do the same thing to you, right?
KhadijaHe broke up with you to go back to her, please let that sink in.
Why would you ever want to be his back up choice? And he’s a cheater.
The time that you are spending with him could be spent with a man who is single and wants a relationship with you.
“Walking away and not having him in my life isn’t an option at this point.”
Yes you it is an option, go find other ways to occupy your time. We always have a choice about things like this.Pleas learn to value yourself more.
TallspicyThis is a you problem. Never ever stay friends with someone who was not your friend before and has dumped you. Never. Those people get a goodbye. You are confused because you are letting yourself get confused by someone who was very clear they were choosing someone else.
MaryGirl – wake up!!! And you expect his unfaithfulness and drama to end with you? You are perpetuating it and not loving yourself.
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