Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Boyfriend content with our busy lives but I’m not
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Berry
My boyfriend (42) of 9 months and I (40) are generally happy, but we don’t spend much time together anymore. Today he forgot we had plans and proceeded to play basketball till 7 like he does most days. He has his own business and coaches, and I work full time, teach a class at the university (new) and am coaching for a month. He has a daughter that he has every other week. In the beginning he seemed to make time for me but the last ~3 months it’s felt off, and like I’m getting used to him not being around. His kid schedule switched to week on week off which has adversely affected us. We don’t have many sleepovers right now which will hopefully change soon, but I think is part of the not seeing each other much equation.
He said on the phone earlier that he wants us to be comfortable with supporting each other to live our lives and know that we’re there for each other even if we’re not seeing each other that much. I don’t feel that way as much as he does. I’m looking to settle down with someone and build a life together. I think it’s possible to build a life together with two busy adults but it takes more intention.
Anyone have any guidance? I think if I want to settle down with someone then I need to make more time for them and lead by example. My bf is really wonderful and I don’t want to break up, but I also don’t want to sink a bunch of time into someone if we’re not living life together.
Raven
Seems you two are on different pages…
Maddie
Let’s subtract 3 months for the honeymoon period and look at what’s left: you’ve felt there’s too much distance for a full half of the relationship! Have you spoken to him about what you want or just gone along with his pacing so far? This is what works for him and it may be the kind of relationship he wants, and a mismatch. But if you haven’t talked to him about your needs, he can’t read your mind or address them.
Berry
Hi Maddie—yes I’ve let him know that I want to spend more time with him. But perhaps I need to be clearer. He also doesn’t enjoy some core things that I do-like seeing music concerts. He asked for me to give him time to come out of his comfort zone… I’m going to give it more time and really try to be the best partner I can be: communicative, compassionate. But yea… a solid 1/3 of our relationship has been more distant. And while it’s not SO bad, it’s not great.
Raven
Hun, he’s 42… He isn’t going to change.
Is this how you want to spend your life?AngieBaby
He forgot you had plans. That feels so yucky.
You’ve been together 9 months. Sounds like he’s happier in the comfort zone. YOu’re not a priority, you’re an option he takes or leaves.
Personally, I’d rather have no loaf than half a loaf. I’m holding out for a man who is the whole loaf. Half a loaf won’t do. Know what I’m saying? This guy is half a loaf and half baked. You’re settling. This has been going on long enough for you both to know if you want more and he clearly doesn’t. Anything less than a hell yes is a no. He likes having you on call, he’s not going to break this up. You’ll have to. The longer you stay in this the less available you are for someone who wants you 100%.
Tammy
I agree with angie. He makes time to meet you occasionally. Your more like gud frinds who catch up once evry few weeks than couple in a relationship. While there is nothing wrong with this kind of relationship if both you guys happy with occasional meetings, this is clealy not what u really want. I think you guys need to communicate and try to reach a midway path. Hes comfy in this xone so not sure if it wld be an easy change.
mama
The consensus so far is:
• he’s 42, don’t expect him to change his ways.
• the relationship is not progressing forward even after you talked to him about your needs.
• you are settling (i.e., the half a loaf analogy which is exactly what you’re getting)And to re-posit Raven’s question: Is this how you want to spend your life?
Life is hard. Relationships are hard. You need to partner up with your biggest fan who has your back in life. I don’t think this guy is on that level [for you]. He wants to date, you want a partner. Different things. That’s okay but it doesn’t sound like a good match. This isn’t a prison term, you can leave when you want.
Khadija
Having a life together includes spending time together. I don’t see how this will work. Although he may be a great guy, it doesn;t mean you are compatible and in the long run that is a big deal. Why sit around hoping this or that will change, you could be out with someone who will happily give you what you want.
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