Ask a Guy: How Do I Make My Affair More Than Just Sex? post image

Ask a Guy: How Do I Make My Affair More Than Just Sex?


I am married and have been having an affair with a married man for over a month now. We get together about once every week or two, and every visit consists of sex. I told him I want to do something else but he never really acknowledged me. I enjoy the sex, he makes sure I enjoy myself and pleasures first every time, but its hard to figure out if I am a booty call or not.

He texts and calls me in-between visits and we have good conversations. How do I convince him I’m worth more than sex? And should I confront him on my feelings?

In the interest of full disclosure, I have never been married or had an affair with a married woman.

However, I have always firmly believed that the best dating advice is advice that leads you to know the answer for yourself and that comes down to your perspective and the questions you ask yourself. Hopefully I can be helpful in that regard.

First, if you’re married and having an affair, it would seem that there’s something that you’re seeking that you feel cannot or will not be fulfilled within your marriage.

The same would be true for the married man that you are having the affair with. Both of you have a desire for something that you feel your married partner can’t or won’t give you.

Understanding what it is that he’s getting from being with you is a big clue. It may not be obvious to you. In fact, it may not even be obvious to him.

The problem is that once you start asking questions and shining some light on the subject, you both will be forced to look at your situation and acknowledge it for what it is.

You don’t need to confront him or convince him, just ask him his thoughts on the subject. Once you do, make sure that you are in a place where you can be OK with whatever his answer is.

When you start talking about a relationship, you start shedding light on what each of you is currently thinking and feeling.

Once you discuss things, you can no longer be blind to the situation or claim you didn’t know any better. For example, if he tells you that he sees your affair as purely sexual, then you know his thoughts on the subject. But then if you continue having an affair with him anyway, you’ve essentially told him that you’re fine with that arrangement. And you may very well be, but just be aware that that is what you’re saying.

Or… you asking him could make him incredibly uncomfortable since it forces him to acknowledge his feelings at the moment. Chances are whatever he’s feeling at the moment is painful or uncomfortable enough to make him want to have an affair in the first place, so just be prepared that if you start asking questions, you may not get an answer at all. You may have him completely shut down.

Or… he may just lie and tell you whatever you want to hear. I mean, I have to imagine he’s already lying to some extent seeing as how he’s having an affair with you. I’m not saying that to be mean or judgmental – it’s just something to be considerate of.

The majority of people have a lot of trouble talking about their relationship with their partner (not just men). Sure, women read all sorts of relationship advice and talk about their relationships with other people, but when it comes to communication within a relationship it can be very difficult.

It can be most difficult when a partner is asking questions that force us to confront painful areas within ourselves. In fact, it can oftentimes feel like we’re being cornered, blamed or attacked and we can feel compelled to respond accordingly.

As with any relationship, shining the light of consciousness (through discussing the relationship) will either cause the relationship to grow or cause it to end. Either way, if you can no longer accept your current arrangement, then talking to him about the relationship will be your best option. Just make sure you do it from a place of compassion and understand (and not from a place of trying to coerce, blame or manipulate him).

Hope it helps,

eric charles

{ 5 comments… add one }

Leave Your Comment Now…

michelle

kkk,,,,kk

Reply July 16, 2011, 12:49 am

michelle

I am married but want to be friends with a guy in a band (used to see the band 25 yrs ago)I found out via internet they still play, I initiated contact, went to see him, he noticed me,
was friendly, saw him again, took other friend with me, he never said hello and I didnt either, my friend called him over criticized me in front of him for not saying hello, he goes along with it and questions why I didnt say anything, I’m embarassed, we leave club, I email him saying I did want to say hello but friend had to much to drink, and he didn’t email me back. Is that the end of that? He is just not interested?

Reply July 16, 2011, 12:41 am

Mercedes

I’ll tell you, like I’ve told every other girl that I’ve known that has been involved with a married man. You’re his “Fun Time Girl” you’re the person he goes to in order to escape his reality. Why would pick up a wife or girlfriend for that matter when he already has one? Why deal with the same issues from two different women? Bananas.

Furthermore, maybe the both of you should see about fixing or dissolving your marriages before you’re seriously involved with someone else. You want to know the craziest thing about the whole thing? I’m willing got bet my house that they married man you’re sleeping with, haven’t even thought about leaving his wife. If he has, 9 out of 10 he’d choose to be single for a while instead of picking up with you where his marriage left off.

Reply June 4, 2011, 10:04 pm

Alex Windfree

I have a guy friend and we have been friends for a while now, we hang out at school and text each other back and forth. I was with one of my girl friends when he called several times over a period of 6 hours. I finally pick up the phone and and we start talking. He all of a sudden says that he has been waiting for a long time to ask but he goes through with it anyways. He asks me out. He is with friends and they keep talking too when the phone is on speaker phone. I hang up and he calls several times again afterwards. I answer each call when he goes on about random stuff. He asks me again for a chance again. Each time i say no, until i get the nerve to tell him that i like him too, and that i would like to be together. So we text back and forth for a awhile, he is calling me a cutie and saying I love you, and joking around. When we are at school he flirts and i flirt back. Three days later he texts me a question asking if we are dating or not. I ask if we are dating confused and he answers no. Even though we have been friends for a while he is a grade older than me and popular at the school, while i hang out with my group of 15 to 25 friends. We say hello and how is it going and stuff but that is it. I am very confused with his behaviour in and out of school. What is going through that head of his??? And why is he acting so strange??

Reply June 1, 2011, 9:56 pm

Janine

I don’t believe that’s an option. If you’ve allowed yourself to settle for 2nd best, fallback girl for this guy who you know is married, what makes you think he’s willing to leave his wife you? If he can have his cake and eat it too, why does he need make you official? Do you honestly think he respects you? You’re not showing respect for yourself by putting yourself in the situation. You’re enabling him to continue doing what he most likely has done before, cheat on his wife. If he ends up leaving his wife (which rarely happens), he will cheat on you too. If you knew how he was when he was married, what makes you think you’re gonna change him into Prince Charming? He’ll figure she knew what I was like before, why should she expect me to change now? Opt out and find an emotionally available man.

Reply June 1, 2011, 12:16 am

Leave a Comment