I am married and have been having an affair with a married man for over a month now. We get together about once every week or two, and every visit consists of sex. I told him I want to do something else but he never really acknowledged me. I enjoy the sex, he makes sure I enjoy myself and pleasures first every time, but its hard to figure out if I am a booty call or not.
He texts and calls me in-between visits and we have good conversations. How do I convince him I’m worth more than sex? And should I confront him on my feelings?
In the interest of full disclosure, I have never been married or had an affair with a married woman.
However, I have always firmly believed that the best dating advice is advice that leads you to know the answer for yourself and that comes down to your perspective and the questions you ask yourself. Hopefully I can be helpful in that regard.
First, if you’re married and having an affair, it would seem that there’s something that you’re seeking that you feel cannot or will not be fulfilled within your marriage.
The same would be true for the married man that you are having the affair with. Both of you have a desire for something that you feel your married partner can’t or won’t give you.
Understanding what it is that he’s getting from being with you is a big clue. It may not be obvious to you. In fact, it may not even be obvious to him.
The problem is that once you start asking questions and shining some light on the subject, you both will be forced to look at your situation and acknowledge it for what it is.
You don’t need to confront him or convince him, just ask him his thoughts on the subject. Once you do, make sure that you are in a place where you can be OK with whatever his answer is.
When you start talking about a relationship, you start shedding light on what each of you is currently thinking and feeling.
Once you discuss things, you can no longer be blind to the situation or claim you didn’t know any better. For example, if he tells you that he sees your affair as purely sexual, then you know his thoughts on the subject. But then if you continue having an affair with him anyway, you’ve essentially told him that you’re fine with that arrangement. And you may very well be, but just be aware that that is what you’re saying.
Or… you asking him could make him incredibly uncomfortable since it forces him to acknowledge his feelings at the moment. Chances are whatever he’s feeling at the moment is painful or uncomfortable enough to make him want to have an affair in the first place, so just be prepared that if you start asking questions, you may not get an answer at all. You may have him completely shut down.
Or… he may just lie and tell you whatever you want to hear. I mean, I have to imagine he’s already lying to some extent seeing as how he’s having an affair with you. I’m not saying that to be mean or judgmental – it’s just something to be considerate of.
The majority of people have a lot of trouble talking about their relationship with their partner (not just men). Sure, women read all sorts of relationship advice and talk about their relationships with other people, but when it comes to communication within a relationship it can be very difficult.
It can be most difficult when a partner is asking questions that force us to confront painful areas within ourselves. In fact, it can oftentimes feel like we’re being cornered, blamed or attacked and we can feel compelled to respond accordingly.
As with any relationship, shining the light of consciousness (through discussing the relationship) will either cause the relationship to grow or cause it to end. Either way, if you can no longer accept your current arrangement, then talking to him about the relationship will be your best option. Just make sure you do it from a place of compassion and understand (and not from a place of trying to coerce, blame or manipulate him).
Hope it helps,