Our reader response to last week’s Ask a Guy feature was really great, so I decided to drill down deeper into one of the areas I discussed, namely neediness.
When I write dating tips and relationship advice for a new mode, I am writing to a female audience. But neediness is not gender-specific – guys make the mistake of being “needy” too! So I want you to know that I am putting this out there to help and inspire everyone to have more dating success, not to point fingers.
I can tell you from a guy’s perspective that when a girl says things like “why didn’t you call?” “Why don’t you have time for me?” “Why don’t you ever compliment me?” and pretty much any sentence that begins with ‘why didn’t you,’ it’s like nails on a chalkboard. Those kinds of statements will immediately put a guy on the defensive rather than motivating him to change and he’ll probably withdraw emotionally as a result… at least, for the moment.
Read the reasons for this after the jump.
I would say the core reason of this is that it attacks a guy’s sense of freedom and feeling of acknowledgment. What do I mean here? Well, when a girl starts down this chain of “Why didn’t you”, it feels to a guy as if she isn’t noticing all of the other things he is doing for a relationship.
I can’t go into as much depth as I’d like to in this post, but men and women have different senses of how they’d like to be noticed for things (and what they’d like to be noticed for.) At the root of it, when a man feels like he can’t make a woman happy, he will not want to be in a relationship with her (or if he stays, he will not want to deepen it). On the other hand, when a woman acknowledges him for all the things he’s doing well, he will almost certainly want to deepen the relationship and stay in it. We’ll discuss in a future post…
Back to neediness: When a girl starts acting needy, especially in the beginning of a relationship, I look at it as the ultimate red flag. It’s not even a logical decision. Neediness, to me, is synonymous for ‘emotional dependency’, as in “this woman is dependent on you in order for them to feel good.”
In it of itself, that’s not a bad thing – in fact, that’s a very normal thing and within reason, is a sign of a good relationship. People in general need other people to feel good – we’re built that way. But if a girl starts acting needy towards a guy before he’s invested in her at all, he’s going to see her as a potential drag, weighing him down with her dependency on him. And he’ll want to run for the hills.
But hey, it’s the same the other way around. I would be pretty surprised if you never had a needy guy around you. Could you imagine what you would want to do if he was texting you?… and you didn’t want to be mean… but… whoops, “my battery died, sorry I didn’t call you back last night.” Nobody’s perfect.
Anyway, the best way to not be needy is to make sure you have plenty to keep you busy. It’s easy to become wrapped up in a new relationship, but it is extremely important to maintain your own life. When a girl is independent and has a lot going on she becomes more appealing to the guy because he has to fight for her time and work to win her over.
I think a lot of dating advice says that being always available is a bad thing and will make your value plummet – I actually don’t think availability is really the problem. I think the problem is that if you’re always available, it probably means that you’re not doing anything interesting or fulfilling in your life to make you feel good, so your relationship is the only thing filling you. And with all your eggs in one basket, it’s no wonder that you’d become extremely needy and dependent on the guy entertaining you – he’s all you have!
As a result, all of that pressure and dependency ends up crushing and smothering out the life from that relationship! This is why it’s very important to get fulfillment, entertainment and love from many different areas of your life, not just from one lone man.
Also, having a full and fulfilling life makes it much easier for you to extend only as much effort towards the relationship as he’s extending. Generally speaking, this is a good strategy.
To take that a step further, whenever you put effort into a relationship with someone, you are investing in them. Whenever they put effort in, they are investing in you. If you are waiting by the phone for him to call and to make time for you, then you’re probably the only one doing the investing.
Hope that helps!
eric charles
Related posts:Decoding Male Behavior: How Guys Deal With Breakups
Ask a Guy: Am I Being Needy?
Ask A Guy: Why Do Guys Vanish After A Great First Date?
Ask a Guy: When a Guy Doesn’t Text Back…
Ask a Guy: The Less I Care, The More He Seems To
Ask a Guy (Dating Tips / Relationship Advice for Women): Frequently Asked Questions
Ask a Guy: Does He Want To Date Me Or Not?
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Thanks for that advice, I really needed it. My relationship just ended for these very reasons – as you say, I put all my eggs in one basket and the pressure was put on him to be all that made me happy. Now I see where I went wrong, and how I can go about being more ‘unavailable’ and independent!
Good advice. However, in the today’s world, where there is no community support
and where families sometimes live in different countries or states, perhaps this
article can try and direct women how they can build a network for emotional support
so that they don’t fall into this pattern.
Rebecca – I am glad to hear that the article was helpful to you. Thanks for leaving the comment – knowing that my work is helpful makes me feel good, so I appreciate it.
Lili – I agree with you and I think that is a GREAT idea. I will add it to our list of future articles. Thanks!
Excellent article. So good to hear it from a guy who would just say it like it is. I just had a two-hour girl talk session with a friend who is very needy in her spanking new relationship. I wish she could read your article but she may not like hearing “putting all (her) eggs in one basket” because she is quite sensitive and may think I am implying she doesn’t have a life.
[When a girl starts acting needy, especially in the beginning of a relationship, I look at it as the ultimate red flag. It’s not even a logical decision. Neediness, to me, is synonymous for ‘emotional dependency’, as in “this woman is dependent on you in order for them to feel good.”]
Thanks–I NEEDED to hear this (=
Really, I did. Thanks!!
You are very welcome. I am glad you found it helpful!
thanks for this article. now i realize why things happen…i hope i can be stronger. i hate being needy myself but sometimes i cant help it. but this article clearly explains why im always taken for granted. the answer is simple: im always available. thank u eric.
Eric, I wish I had that article a long time ago. I am now going through a divorce because of being extremely needy and for always relying on my husband for happiness and reassurance and for never having confidence in myself. My 7-year anniversary would have been next Friday (June 19). =( I have learned my lesson and I’ve matured so much (been without the hubby for 17 months now). I just wish my husband could see that I have changed and that it just takes some people time to mature. It might be too late for me. It seems that I have smothered the life out of my relationship and my hubby & he is now feeling free and independent on his own.
This was very helpful and insightful. Thank you!
Hi Eric,
Came across your article after web browsing as I am in a very new relationship (less than a month) and am now starting to become needy already and am kicking myself stupid for it!! He has been single for quite a while (we have mutual friends and she confirmed this to me and I had gotten that impression anyway) and therefore he is used to doing favours for friends and not having any ties so I guess he is having trouble fitting a woman into his life. Things were going well and he was due to take me out for a drink one evening – but he didn’t turn up til after 10pm after a bit of frantic texting and attempted phone calls – I did get to speak to him before he turned up and he said he was doing a errand for his parents. Anyway he turned up and I kinda told him off for leaving me hanging all evening and whilst he said he deserved me to be cross with him, I am panicking and feeling quite needy – I hate this about myself – I know damned well it’s the wrong thing to do yet I find myself doing this time and time again!! I don’t want to blow things with this guy. The evening that he came round he only stayed a short time and during that time things felt kinda tense and I know it was because I wasn’t my normal chilled out self. Since then I have had moments where I now worry that I have blown things and have still probably seemed a little needy and he seems to have backed off a bit but maybe I am just being paranoid and he’s just busy as usual…………like I say, I don’t want to blow it with this guy so wondering how I can “backtrack”, rid him and myself of stupid needy behaviour and make him want me again??
Many Thanks, the article has been really insightful – just wondering if there is anyway back if you have already made the steps into neediness?!
Sam
Hey Sam,
Don’t confuse neediness with situations where you should rightfully be angry. If he promised to meet you somewhere at a specific time and then didn’t, that’s definitely a situation where you should be angry. Guys should always keep their promises – if a guy isn’t sure that he can keep his promise, he should promise it in the first place! Moreover, he shouldn’t leave you hanging without a heads-up if he thinks he’s going to be late after setting a time.
So I would first say that you want to ask yourself, “Is he breaking a promise he made to me or am I just wanting him to do something for me and getting upset because he isn’t?”
Nobody’s perfect and we all need other people in our lives. However, our own sense of security and “wholeness” is our own responsibility, not anyone else’s.
As long as you recognize this, that is the first (and most important step). Before you recognize something, you have no power to change or improve it. On the other hand, after you recognize something, you have tremendous power to shift things in the direction you want because you know what needs to be corrected.
Have faith in yourself and don’t worry. You have knowledge and awareness of this now and that’s all you need to move toward not having destructive, needy behaviors. You’ll be OK.
Hope it helps.
Thanks Eric,
I have been in a relationship for about 8 months and I am starting to get really clingy and needy. It’s hard trying to cope with this idea because in the beginning of the relationship he told me he loved me all the time and was head over heels for me when I wasn’t. Then as I slowly began being more attached to him, he backed off and now we rarely talk and it hurts even more. Could I get your opinion as to why he went from all lovey dovey to distance distance distance, is it really because of me being needy? Also if I start to help myself and do stuff for me, how long will it usually take until he is out of that phase? I really don’t want to lose this one !
Does this apply if you never text or call him and wait a few days, like four to say “Hey, hope you’re having a good day!” To me it seems like frantic behavior that gets women into the neediness catagory.
@Sonny
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Yeah, frantic behavior would definitely fall under the neediness category in probably all cases…
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But it’s not so much the action as it is where your actions are coming from.
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Actions can come from all sorts of places. Saying or doing something from a place of love comes across a lot different than saying or doing something from a place of judgment or anger.
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In the same way, if the place you are coming from is a place of desperateness, fear, worry or a need for him to respond in a certain way or you’ll be upset, then it will come across as “needy behavior”.
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The place you are coming from creates the sub-text of your communication. And when it comes to relationships / dating / flirtation, the sub-text is the communication.
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So if you’re wondering if you’re being needy, the question you need to ask yourself is, “Where am I coming from here?” If you can be honest with yourself, you’ll see it. And if you’re not sure, check in with one of your close friends – they’ll tell you.
Thanks Eric,
You have very good insight. I think the best thing you can do is live your life, be yourself, stay true to yourself and your values and not caught up in one person. Invest your time and energy wisely to avoid these pitfalls. People are ultimately going to accept you for who you are or they are not.