There are countless women out there desperate to get their ex back. I should know, I was once one of them and I actually am now married to my ex!
Getting him back actually isn’t that hard. Making it work the second time around is the tough part that trips most people up and that’s what leads to an endless on-again, off-again relationship cycle that could cost you years of your life.
You can’t just dive back into the relationship and expect everything to be different this time around. You broke up for a reason, probably several reasons, and those reasons will still be there unless properly dealt with. You can’t do the same thing and expect different results, that’s just insane (literally, I think that’s the actual definition of insanity).
You can’t really follow your heart here, you need to follow a plan. And I’ve got you covered on that front!
Having a plan will not only help you to navigate the situation smoothly and effortlessly, but can also save you weeks, months, or even years of emotional turmoil and distress.
A breakup can leave you feeling hurt, confused, and emotionally drained. This isn’t exactly a healthy place to be making life-changing decisions from.
A good plan will provide you the structure and support you need to get your ex back for good. It will help you get yourself back on track emotionally and mentally so that you and your ex will have a chance of really making it work the second time around. After all, that’s the goal.
You not only want to get your ex back, you want to be able to keep him. Without a plan, it is easy to fall into familiar patterns that could hurt your chances of ever getting him back at all — or getting him back only to lose him again soon after.
I get ex-back questions all the time so I decided to write one article that addresses them all from start to finish. This article will give you the exact steps to take to deal your emotional state after a break-up and will guide you every step of the way to getting your ex back and keeping him forever. Let’s begin!
Top 5 Steps To Getting Your Ex Back for Good:
Take The Quiz: Can You Get Your Ex Back Or Is He Gone Forever?
Step 1: Follow the No Contact Rule
The first step in the plan to get your ex back is cutting off all contact, also known as the no contact rule. What does the no contact rule mean?
The no contact rule means no contact. That means no communication whatsoever.
- No calls
- No texts
- No G-chats
- No Facebook messages
- No Snapchats
- No tweets
- No responding when he messages you
- No social media stalking for that matter either, even though it doesn’t count as “contact.”
- No contact with him at all
The key to succeeding in this very first step is keeping your emotions in check. This is usually easier said than done, especially after a breakup when our emotions are usually running wild! When you miss your ex, it’s easy to let emotions and longing take hold, causing you to reach out to him in an attempt to stay on his mind, or maybe to reignite the spark.
You may worry about the old adage, “Out of sight, out of mind,” and use that as a justification to reach out. The thought of him moving on and forgetting about you is too terrifying to bear. One little text won’t hurt, you reason. But, in this instance, it will hurt. If you want your ex back, it is important that you strictly adhere to the no contact rule.
Even if your ex contacts you, politely let him know you need some time to yourself and end the conversation. Engaging him beyond that will only suck you back into the cycle of drama or of constantly thinking of him. And you don’t want that. At this stage, you want to focus on yourself, your mental peace, and getting the relationship you want.
Your fears, insecurities, negative emotions, and wishful thinking will be your biggest obstacle to succeeding here. Keeping your emotions and impulses in check at this stage is the foundation of the “getting your ex back” plan.
(Below I answer some common questions, but make sure to also read these two articles for more detail on the no contact rule: Everything You Need to Know About the No Contact Rule and Why the No Contact Rule Always Works.)
No Contact Rule Q&A:
How long should I go without contact?
It usually takes people several weeks to break bad habits or withdraw from things that have been a huge part of their life for any period of time. Likewise, it will take you some time to detox from your ex. For the no contact rule to be effective, I’d say give yourself at least four weeks to detox and get back to yourself.
I know getting through the day without the one person who was once the center of your life can feel impossible. At first, you might feel a little lost and empty. But I promise once you power through those first few days, it will get easier. Just keep your end goal in mind and remember that doing this is what’s best for you.
What should I do if I’ve already broken the no contact rule?
As they say, every second is another chance to turn it all around.
You can’t go back and undo what has been done. You can only start again from here.
If you broke the no contact rule, the only thing to be done is to start the no-contact period over again. If your ex is confused by your sudden shift and asks what’s up, send him one single text saying you just need some time for yourself right now and would appreciate it if he didn’t contact you.
What if we run into each other?
If you find yourself lurking in areas that you know your ex frequents — his favorite coffee shop, the neighborhood park, the gym he goes to, in the hopes that you casually run into him… stop!
The no contact rule means no contact.
Now, if by happenstance you run into him, that’s a different story. It would be a good idea to be cheerful, positive, and in a good mood when you see him. Don’t get pulled into any conversations about the relationship or any debates about what went wrong, whose fault it was, or anything like that.
Your best bet is to be pleasantly detached and end the conversation as quickly as possible. This isn’t about playing games or giving him the silent treatment. It’s about ensuring that you are mentally and emotionally ready before engaging in any conversations about your relationship with your ex.
What if he finds someone new during no contact?
That’s really of no consequence to you now.
The no contact rule is to allow you the time you need to work on yourself, build up your self-esteem, and realize that you can live without your ex and find happiness in your own life. It really is about you and is not a means to get him back, although that is often a result.
If you are focused on truly being happy in your own life, what your ex is doing won’t have much of an impact on you. And you really can’t control what he’s up to so it’s in your best interest to focus on the things that are within your control.
Besides, even if he does get into a new relationship… you have to realize that all relationships are not created equal. Sometimes the easiest way to numb the pain of a previous relationship is to jump right into a new one. And in the case of a rebound, who knows what the outcome will be? These aren’t necessarily the most long-lasting relationships and there’s nothing to say that this isn’t an attempt to get your attention or be vindictive. Again, you don’t know and you can’t know and it’s a waste of time to try.
Remember this step– and really this whole process– is about you. Yes, it is also highly likely that this step will make him miss you, but again, that’s not the focus. Your focus should be on getting to the best possible headspace and having the best possible mindset so you are your best possible self. That is the foundation for lasting love, not tricks and gimmicks.
The alternative is panicking, stalking him, texting him constantly, and begging him to take you back – which never works.
Is the No Contact Rule mean? What if he gets upset?
This isn’t about being spiteful or mean, or being intentionally rude to your ex. It’s about giving both of you some necessary time and space to really identify the issues that caused the breakdown in the relationship in the first time, and see if it’s possible to make things work.
Remember, the no contact rule isn’t about him, it’s about you. You’re not cutting off contact to try to spite him, you’re giving yourself time and space to heal from the breakup. That is the goal. The byproduct is that he will most likely miss you during this time and yearn for you and while he’s doing that, you’re becoming a better and stronger version of yourself!
Reasons Why The No Contact Rule is Important:
Look, I know how hard it is to not contact the one person on this earth you want to see and speak to more than anyone else. I fully get it. But just because we want something doesn’t mean it’s in our best interest to go after it. It’s like going to the gym. Sometimes it’s really hard to summon the strength to get yourself there, but you do it because your goal is to be fit and healthy. Here, your goal is to get your ex back and have a healthy, loving, mutually fulfilling relationship. That can only come about when you’ve taken time to gain clarity and perspective.
Let’s look at some more benefits to following the no contact rule:
1. It gives you a chance to detox from the relationship
Let’s face it, relationships can be emotionally intoxicating, especially when they’re on the decline. And it takes time to plow through all the emotional rubble. The main benefit of the no contact rule is to help you get to a better place emotionally and mentally after a breakup. It’s a chance for you to detox from the drama of a relationship.
There are a lot of feelings to sort through, there is a lot of pain to process, and there are many layers of hurt. It takes time to peel back those layers, get to the core of that pain, and heal. The no contact rule is for you; remember that first and foremost.
2. You will remember that you can live without him
When you are deeply in love, it can feel like you will cease to exist if that person is no longer in your life. You just can’t fathom a reality without them.
I have experienced this pain, I know what it’s like. And I can tell you that you can live without him. You may not want to, but it’s very much in the realm of possibility and you need to remember that. And the only way you can remember a life without him is if he’s not there.
I know that this can be extremely difficult, especially if you’re fresh out of a relationship. When someone is that enmeshed in your life they literally feel like a part of you, it’s almost like losing a limb when they’re gone… you survive, but it’s just harder to function.
But going through difficulties is what gets us in touch with who we are and what we’re made of. This sort of growth and self-discovery is invaluable. Breaking through that feeling of “I won’t be able to survive without him” and then discovering that you can will make you realize how strong you are, and as a result, will help build your self-esteem and give you that amazing “I can get through anything” feeling.
3. Gives him time to miss you and reset his mental image of you
When you follow the no contact rule, you give him the time and space to miss you. This can only happen in your absence, not in your presence. By reaching out too soon, you risk falling into a post-relationship relationship. Meaning you talk on occasion and you hang out from time to time, but your relationship is totally undefined and the needle doesn’t seem to be moving in one direction or the other. That’s because you’re both lacking clarity and that’s because you need a period of no contact to get your minds straight. If you don’t take this time, everything will remain cloudy and confusing.
4. Gives you time to evaluate the relationship to see if your ex really is the guy for you
Is he really the right guy for you? It might feel that way because you miss him so badly, but missing someone doesn’t mean they are the right person for you. And wanting them to be there doesn’t mean they are meant to be in your life.
It’s amazing what you can see with a little bit of time and distance. You might find you’re happier without him, that you can breathe easier, that you’re more like yourself again and maybe you realize getting back together with him isn’t a good idea. Or maybe a little time away causes you to see his good qualities that you took advantage of during the relationship. Maybe now you’re better able to support his vision for the future whereas you weren’t on board before. Whatever the case, sometimes you need to step away from something to see it more clearly.
One of the most devastating mistakes you can make is trying to force it to work with a guy who is wrong with you. I’ve seen people spend years of their life trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. Everyone in their life tells them to just move on and let him go but they can’t. Why? Because they don’t have clarity or any objectivity because they are still sucked into the emotional whirlpool and have yet to break themselves free.
5. You avoid mistakes that ruin your chances of getting him back.
While there are many advantages to the no contact rule for you, the most important benefit (in terms of getting your ex back) is that it allows you to avoid doing the most common breakup mistakes that can ruin your chances of getting him back forever.
When you’re in the thick of it and consumed with painful emotions, you aren’t thinking clearly and this can cause you to act irrationally and do things you regret. When you commit to a period of no contact, you cut yourself off from possible humiliation and from making your ex feel even more certain that a breakup was for the best.
Step 2: Avoid Committing the 7 Deadly Relationship Sins
While you’re in the period of no contact, and even once that period has ended, you must use your head and not follow your heart wherever it might drag you. Why? Because it most likely will drag you to commit one of these “relationship sins.” Why is that bad? Because it will totally sabotage your efforts to get your ex back.
These sins are the most common mistakes most women make post-breakup. They just can’t help it. They want to be with him above all else and that is the only thing on their mind, not common sense. They feel this nagging urge to call him, to see him, to talk to him, to sit down and re-hash the relationship again, and they just go with it.
I hope by making you aware of the most common pitfalls you will be better able to avoid them so you can stay on the right path.
Here are the most common post-breakup mistakes most women make:
Mistake #1: Contacting him all the time
The no contact rule basically covers this. But, it is so fundamental to the success of getting your ex back that it makes sense to reiterate it.
We explained earlier how keeping your emotions in check is critical to making this period of no contact work. I know how easy it is to backslide and fall into our familiar patterns. This isn’t just the case with relationships either. Just think about how it normally goes for you when you’re starting anything new: a new low-carb diet, a new bedtime, mediation, a new workout routine, etc.
When you are doing something new, your mind and body often work in overdrive to keep you in familiar territory, scientists call this process homeostasis. However, it is possible to create a new normal, you just need to give yourself some time.
You are always going to come up with some reason why you have to contact him. You saw sneakers he would love on sale, you saw a meme he would find hilarious, it’s his birthday, it’s his dog’s birthday, you really want to update him on your crazy co-worker and the latest installment of her shenanigans, and on and on. But you must resist! Recognize what’s really happening, there is nothing urgent you need to tell him, you just want to talk to him because you miss him. But remember reaching out at this stage will not bring him back into your life.
2. Begging him to come back to you
To put it bluntly, begging someone to come back to you doesn’t work and instead makes you look pathetic. It reeks of desperation and will totally backfire in your attempt to get your ex back.
If you are at the point where begging your ex to want you seems like a viable option, take a moment and see where that urge is coming from. Chances are you are creating unrealistic fantasies of what it will be like to have your ex back – and are desperately hoping for reality to be different than it is.
The antidote to this might be looking at the relationship objectively. Look at the issues that drove you two apart in the first place. No one is perfect and if you take the time to focus on you and filling your own life with you… having a relationship will only be a bonus, not a necessity.
3. Putting up with bad behavior/ letting him do whatever he wants
Putting up with bad behavior from anyone is never a good idea. But, if you believe your ex was the best thing to happen to you and you want him back badly, you may find yourself tempted to accept any kind of treatment from him.
You may delude yourself into thinking that any attention is good attention. But, that is so not the case, especially if you intend to get your ex back.
People often exploit people who are vulnerable and desperate. Even the most decent human being would find it hard to refrain from taking advantage of someone who was complicit, or in extreme cases, welcoming of poor treatment.
When you accept bad behavior from your ex, you are essentially telling him that he’s in control and that you’re not going anywhere – which means there’s no reason for him to get back together with you. Why should he when he already “has” you?
It’s also giving him the impression that he doesn’t have to put in any work for you. And, let me fill you in on a little secret: men–well really, people in general — value that which they’ve worked for. Imagine how you would feel if you won an award just because they were pulling names out of a hat versus if you won a trophy for something you worked for. Getting a lottery prize is always nice, but getting a reward for hard work is more satisfying.
Similarly, if he’s getting your attention, praise, sex or whatever just because… even with bad behavior, there is no incentive to want to get you back in an official way. There is no reason he would do anything different than he has been doing since what he’s been doing so far has worked well. In addition, giving in to him and giving him everything he wants just makes you look needy and desperate. He might be thinking, if she is so desperate to have me then maybe no one else wants her… and if no one else wants her… why should I?
Believe it or not, this a common relationship mistake. Here’s how it normally unfolds:
The relationship is going really well in the beginning. You are seeing each other often and enjoy one another. You begin to prioritize him over other things going on in your life, like hobbies or nights out with friends. You tell yourself you are comfortable and don’t need to be “out there.” Everything is just the way you like it until… for some reason, you feel him pulling away.
Instead of giving him space, you panic. You feel like you are losing him for good so you go into overdrive… questioning him about his feelings for you, being on your best behavior, and worst of all, putting up with bad behavior.
Unfortunately, all that does is make him lose respect for you and see you as desperate, which undermines the relationship even more and pushes him away even further.
It inevitably becomes a downward spiral that continues until the relationship inevitably implodes.
The only way to have a good relationship is if you demand a good relationship from him. If you don’t and give him everything he wants in an attempt to get him back, you’re sabotaging the relationship and destroying your chances with him. Not to mention, completely undervaluing yourself, which will deeply impact your self-esteem. Now I don’t mean you say, “Give me a good relationship or else!” It’s not an actual demand. You “demand” it by being a woman of value, by being a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to walk away if she’s not getting it. You don’t have to say anything at all, it just comes across.
4. Smothering him with affection
Showering your ex with affection has the same effect of the first three deadly sins. Trying to convince your ex that he should be with you by giving him all the attention, pouring compliments over him, sending him love notes or whatever will not work. The only way your ex will be convinced of your value is if you make yourself valuable, not if you demean yourself and act out of needy desperation.
You may think you’re being sweet, but these acts are far from romantic. You have to respect his space after a breakup. If you don’t, he’ll just feel put off by you and will feel even more certain that he did the right thing in breaking up.
What gets him to reconsider everything is if you become a stronger, better version of yourself. A woman of immense value who really values herself. A woman who knows herself and knows what she wants and doesn’t need a relationship in order to feel good about herself and doesn’t need to get her ex back as a means for validation.
You can’t convince him to want to be with you by smothering him. You “convince” him by being a woman of high-value who has a positive radiating energy that just draws people in. Desperation repels, happiness and being fulfilled is what makes you a love magnet, not to mention a people magnet.
Moral of the story: Focus on showering yourself with love and affection, rather than him.
5. Trying to make him jealous by talking about other men
Trying to make him jealous by flaunting other guys in his face is also not a good idea. In fact, doing that also makes you look desperate, not to mention manipulative.
Believe me, your ex can see right through your tactics… and like we’ve said before, trying to convince someone to like you or be in your life does not work.
Not only doesn’t it work to get your ex back, you lose a portion of yourself in the process, that portion being your dignity!
If your focus is on finding hot guys so you can post pictures with them on your social media pages and make your ex jealous, or show up places where you know he’ll be with a hottie on your arm, you need to fix your priorities asap. Again, you need to be focusing on yourself at this time, not on getting a reaction out of him. An angry reaction is not what’s going to make him realize you’re the love of his life and it’s not going to ensure things work the second time around.
And while we’re talking about jealousy, you should also try to refrain from reacting if he posts a picture with a girl, or likes a girl’s social media posts, or even if he starts dating a girl. Jealousy is ugly, unattractive, and destructive. Maybe you’re hurt that he seems to be moving on, but lashing out at him is not going to swing the pendulum back in your favor. And you really don’t know what’s going on. Maybe it’s a rebound fling, maybe the girl in the picture is his cousin, who knows and who cares? This is not where you should be putting your attention at the moment.
6. Using pity to get him back
Using pity to get your ex back is about as effective as begging. Why would your ex want to be with someone he pitied? What would that say about him if he were in a relationship with someone pitiful? Nothing good I’m sure.
Pity is not attractive in the least. When you get someone to pity you, you essentially give away your own power to choose the future you want for yourself. You are at the mercy of his feelings, moods, and decisions.
The fact that you feel broken and dead inside without him isn’t going to make him say, “Well, in that case, we need to get back together immediately!” There is nothing sexy about that. All you will do is make him feel guilty, or you’ll make him go cold and withdraw from you because men don’t like feeling like the bad guy and he might completely emotionally detach himself from the situation.
When getting back together with an ex, you up your chances of success if you’re coming from a place of strength, not weakness.
7. Trying to talk to him about his feelings about the relationship
Trying to assess where he stands after a breakup by asking him about his feelings is a dangerous game. Are you prepared to deal with hearing something you don’t want to hear? More than being a recipe for more hurt feelings, it does not give you the results you want, which is getting your ex back.
Let things unfold naturally. It’s more powerful when people come to their own realizations and act out of free will rather than coercion.
The common thread that underlies these seven deadly sins is neediness. Neediness is the state of mind that encourages all the above actions. Believing that your ex is the source of your happiness, sense of well-being and/or self-esteem, is the type of thinking that will have you groveling and begging for your ex. Neediness is a state of mind more than a set of behaviors, it just manifests itself in certain actions. It’s a feeling that says: “I need you to respond to me in a certain way in order to feel OK.” (Make sure to read this article for more on neediness and how to prevent it.)
In addition to eroding your personal dignity, attempts to force your will or coerce another person to do, say, or act in a manner that you want is manipulative and is counterproductive to your results as it will further push your ex away.
It’s always better to let your ex come to his own conclusions about you and the relationship.
Step 3: Work On Yourself
During the period of no contact and beyond, it is important to work on yourself mind, body, and soul. Let’s look at exactly what that means.
A huge obstacle to getting your ex back is fixating on the relationship, pining for what was lost, and wishing things would be different. Not only is it an obstacle to getting the relationship you want, it is an obstacle to your own sense of peace. Think about it. Most suffering arises from wanting the present moment or present situation to be different than what it is.
Learning to accept reality as it really is, is the antidote to the negative thoughts, feelings, and emotions we experience after a breakup.
Accepting reality as it is gives you power. You are no longer at the mercy of your ex or some other external thing. You are “ok” just because you accept “what is” and don’t need “what is” to be any different.
Now, I know that is easier said than done. Accepting “what is” requires putting down your judgments and assessment of things as good or bad. And, that can be extremely difficult to do especially when society has trained us from birth to call certain things good, righteous, and desirable and other things bad, wrong, or detestable – and has also taught us that being in a romantic relationship is the most noteworthy human accomplishment.
But, in order to deal with your emotions effectively, you have to realize that it is your story about what is happening that causes your suffering. If you frame it as, “He left me because I’m worthless and unlovable and I’ll never find anyone like him and life will forever be a miserable place,” well, of course, you’re going to suffer immensely!
Luckily, the period of no contact will give you the time to put in place practices and structures to help you drop your stories and see things in a more positive light. Journaling, meditating, and yoga also helps. Maybe it sounds a little too new-age for you, but intense emotional experiences can send your thoughts into overdrive, so it’s really important to try and find a stillness within and learn to quiet your mind, or at least slow it down a bit.
After you deal with your negative emotions, you will feel better on the inside and it will show outwardly. As a result, your vibe will be chill, relaxed, and at ease. In helping you get the result you want, a chilled and relaxed vibe is one the most attractive qualities you can have.
More on your vibe…
You can’t fake a good vibe no matter how hard you try. There are no techniques, no special affirmations, or weird potions that will mask a bad vibe. Eventually, it will come to the surface. It’s like using perfume and deodorant to mask body odor instead of taking a shower first… not a good idea.
A good vibe can only emanate from the genuine positive feelings you have about yourself, your life, and the world around you. That’s it. That’s why it’s so important during the no-contact period to fill your life with things that truly make you feel good.
But sometimes filling your life with positive things is not enough. In fact, having a good vibe isn’t really about having the things you love around you or trying to imprint the idea that you feel good into your mind. It’s more about removing the self-destructive, negative thinking (and the behavior that the negative thinking creates) – i.e. changing the lens that you see the world yourself and your situations through.
Here’s an illustration…
Let’s say one night you decide to watch home movies from an old-fashion projector. You put in a video of you at 5 years old playing at your first recital. You curl up on the couch with popcorn and hot chocolate (two of your favorite things) and begin to watch. Unfortunately, there appears to be a weird blemish in the video, so you decide to change it and put on a video of your 10th birthday party but somehow the blemish is in that video too. So, you run over to the wall, wipe the screen, and put in one more video… yet again, the spot is still showing up.
Frustrated, you finally check the projector and realize there is a spec of dust on the lens of the projector. You wipe it clean, then put back in the first video of your recital and voila, it’s clear as day.
Our minds oftentimes work the same way. No matter what we’re looking at… there will always be a fault with it if the lens we are viewing things from is dirty. When we deal with our negative thoughts and emotions and learn to accept reality for what it is, we, in essence, are cleaning our lens.
And when we see the world, ourselves, and the situations we find ourselves in from a clear and positive lens… we naturally exude a radiant, positive vibe.
There are two main ways to feel and look your absolute best:
- Get moving. During this time, it’s a great idea to get active. It’s practically common knowledge that exercise provides many benefits on various levels, both physically and emotionally. Exercise can help us reduce our stress levels, boost our mood, relieve anxiety, increase relaxation, helps us stay focused and the list goes on and on. And of course, in addition to feeling good, exercise will also help you look really good! Fortunately, getting moving is more fun than ever thanks to a wide variety of options out there. You’ve got Zumba, CrossFit, Salsa, Pole dancing, Barre Method, Soul Cycle, Yoga, Pilates… really whatever you want. You can also just opt to go the old-fashioned route and run on the treadmill or outside when it’s nice. Just do something to get those endorphins pumping!
- Change up your look. Making small changes to your hair or wardrobe can have a huge impact on your overall confidence and make you feel good about yourself. In fact, tweaking your external appearance can, amazingly, inspire the courage you need to make more substantial changes. Something as simple as honing your personal style can eventually lead to actions and choices that can improve your energy, satisfaction, and joy in life. Investing time and energy in making small improvements to your outer appearance makes you feel joyful, confident, and entirely yourself and will only lead to good things.
Here are a few top ways to nurture your soul after a breakup to make your inner transformation complete:
- Spend time with good friends. One of the best ways to source yourself is to put yourself in the company of good friends. Good friends remind you of who you really are. They can give you a new perspective on things and can generally be fun to be around. Good friends serve as one of the best distractions as opposed to eating a bucket of ice cream and watching Netflix all alone because they can help to build you up in the meantime and leave you more empowered, stronger, and more in touch with who you are. It might be worth it to define who good friends are. Good friends are friends that help you choose the most useful and empowering interpretation of your situation. They don’t look to blame or help you wallow in self-pity. They have compassion for you, yet believe that you are inherently fine. They remind you of how fun you are and how much life itself has to offer. Spending time with people like this will feed your soul. During this time take advantage of everything these wonderful people in your life have to offer. Plan a trip. See that show you all always wanted to see. Do all the things that make you feel alive and do it in good company.
- Meet new Friends and new guys. You should absolutely nurture your close relationships, but also, don’t be afraid to go out there and meet new friends, and date new guys. Having new exciting options is one of best ways to succeed in implementing the getting your ex back plan.Here’s how:
1. It prevents you from stressing or obsessing over your ex.
2. It reminds you that you have options.
3. You are not at the mercy of your ex to “come around.” Instead, you’ll be able to choose wisely based on what suits you. So, get out there! The world is your oyster.
- Pursue your passion. Most of us may struggle to say what our passion in life is. We are too bogged down in our obligations, responsibilities, and routines to carve out any time to give some thought to the things we are passionate about. Your time of no contact is as good a time as any to figure it out. Maybe you’ve always had a love for good art. Maybe you are excited by gardening or writing. Take this time to do those things Also, take this time to try something new. You might just find a passion for something you didn’t know you had before. Engaging in the activities and hobbies that we love, that we are good at, and that we are passionate about go a long way to remind us of our essence and make us feel alive again.
Step 4: The Reconnect
Now that you’ve successfully completed the no contact period, avoided the 7 deadly sins, have taken the time to work on yourself mind, body, and soul, it’s time for the re-connect.
At this point, any negative feelings or opinions your ex had have most likely dissipated. He’s forgotten about the bad times, about the fights, about what went wrong. Human beings have a tendency to idealize the past. So once you’re “past,” he will only remember the good stuff and the bad stuff will drift further into the recesses of his mind. And it won’t be long before he starts to wonder what you’re up to…
This is a good time to strike… while the iron is hot.
It doesn’t really matter how it happens. Maybe he’ll reach out to you. Maybe you will initiate contact with him. Whichever it is, the key thing at this stage is to keep things casual. And this should be easy for you. You’ve already detoxed from the drama of the relationship, you’re working out, hanging out with friends, have probably been on a date or two, and are involved in new hobbies. Essentially, your life doesn’t revolve around him or a relationship anymore. You’ve done the mental and emotional work to be fine with the outcome either way and there is no pressure.
You are in a place where you hope things do work out with him, but you know you’ll be fine if they don’t.
Here is a quick checklist to know for sure if you’re ready to re-connect with your ex:
- You have fully healed from the pain of the breakup – you aren’t carrying any negativity, anger, resentment, sadness, etc.
- You have had zero contact with him for a period of at least four weeks
- You have been focusing on looking and feeling your best and feel very confident in who you are
- You accept that fact that he might not get back together and this doesn’t terrify you. You know you’ll be OK.
- You want him back for the right reasons. It’s not about ego or loneliness, you genuinely believe he is the one for you.
The Reach Out
Maybe he texts you a generic, “Hey, how are you?” If he really misses you, he might even call. Or, maybe you text or call (but remember, this is after a period of no contact that lasts at least four weeks). At this point, there are no hard and fast rules to follow. In fact, there are no rules when it comes to dating in general. Remember before when we talked about people putting on deodorant and perfume on to disguise body odor instead of taking a bath first… well, that’s the same as employing rules that don’t align with where you truly are mentally.
When you are in a good place mentally, it’s easy to navigate the conversation with your ex. The conversation would not be laden with a need to get somewhere, to cover certain ground, and get a certain outcome. Instead, the conversation will be light, relaxed, and pleasurable.
This is the right environment to start anew. There is no agenda, no force, no pressure. You and he are just getting re-acquainted. You’re testing the waters to see if it’s safe to swim.
One thing you should avoid if he reaches out is trying to make him chase you or see you as a challenge.
It’s manipulative at worst and ineffective at best. In order for him to see you as a prize… as someone he wants in his life… you simply have to be the type of woman that knows her value. If you’ve followed all of the previous steps, then you should be that woman – one only willing to accept what she truly wants in a relationship.
That is another pitfall that can happen at this stage – accepting less than you truly want. If your interactions with your ex are lack-luster or you get the vibe that he is not in a space to give you the kind of relationship you want, then just leave it alone. Knowing when to walk away is empowering.
You can’t force, manipulate, or cajole him into turning into the man you want. You need to be able to recognize what you do and don’t want and pursue what it is you want, while discarding what you don’t know. This is the real secret of having a happy, healthy relationship.
There doesn’t need to be any anger involved. You readily accept things for what they are and will readily move on if it’s not what you want. There is no struggle and no stakes.
There is a notion out there that relationships are hard and filled with struggle. And while I concede that there will be times when disagreements will arise or less than pleasurable situations may happen that need to be dealt with, that’s not the kind of struggle I’m talking about. I’m talking about the notion that there needs to be a tug of war between two people… that you need to try with all your might and then maybe the guy will see the light and come over to your side. Regardless of whether or not you really like a guy, or if he really wants you back, your interactions are what they are. There’s no fantasy to bring to reality, no wishes and wants to come to fruition… it already is as it is.
With that said, here are some practical tips for your conversation with your ex:
- Keep things light, fun and drama-free.
- Don’t bring up the relationship or the breakup. Don’t talk about how much you miss him, or that you want to get back together, or that you’re miserable that he’s not in your life.
- Don’t text him with negativity. Don’t send him bitter, spiteful, or angry messages.
- Send meaningful texts. Sending your ex a text that says something, like ‘Hey’ or a smiley emoji may make you appear to be bored or idle.
- Stay away from sending your ex too many messages at once. Give him time and space to respond to your text.
- Don’t tell your ex you’re trying to get him back, just see it as he’s a person who was/is important to you and you still want him in your life to some capacity.
The Meet Up
After your interactions via text or phone conversation make it clear that meeting up is a good idea. Scheduling a meet-up is next on the agenda. Going for coffee, a walk in the park, or a drink will keep it casual.
Here is where he gets to see the beautiful woman you are in person. He gets to witness your positive vibe and new and improved look in the flesh. Like the reach out stage, there are no “rules” here. The light and fun vibe you brought to the conversations you’ve previously had should shine through just as bright. If your positive vibe is derived from genuine positive thoughts and emotions, interacting with him should be easy and effortless.
Remember though, you two are not on a date. It’s just an opportunity to see how things naturally develop. Relationships are not a destination, but rather a journey.
There is no fight to be won here or challenge to conquer. Instead, you want to focus on how much fun and enjoyment you can bring to the moment. Whatever comes of it, will come. There’s no need for you to try to manipulate the reality of the situation, nor can you.
To think you can “make” someone want to be with you is illusory and will only lead to suffering and disappointment. The most important tip here is to be fully in the moment and truly OK with whatever the outcome is. Let me reiterate that. Being OK no matter the outcome is the single most beneficial advice I can offer. Fixating on your ex, secretly wishing that he comes back to you, or worrying that you won’t be able to win him over will not be beneficial to you in the long run.
Step 5: Take Our “Can I Get My Ex Back Quiz?”
No one wants to waste their time on a dead-end, which is why we’ve created this quiz to let you know exactly if you and your ex have a chance of making it work.
This quiz is designed to give you personalized advice based on your individual situation. The questions gather all the relevant information to tell you exactly where you and your ex stand, and the most effective way to get him back.
The results are super accurate so take the quiz right now to find out if it’s worth another shot with your ex, or if you’re better off moving on instead.
Want to find out if you can get your ex back? Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Can You Get Your Ex Back” Quiz right now and find out if you can ever get him back or if he’s gone for good…
There you have it… the five-step plan to getting your ex back.
The important thing to remember is working on yourself is the most valuable step in this process. Whether you decide to take your ex back or not after this process is entirely up to you. Either way, you would have done the work to become a better person. And being happy and whole is a strong foundation for love anyway… whether it’s with your ex or someone else.
We promised you some testimonials, and here we go. The first will be my own story!
I met my husband at a party when I was 17. I saw him and I was hit with a ton of bricks. We spent most of the night talking (and kissing), and I was on a cloud. We dated for a few months and while the relationship was short, it was extremely significant to me. He was just different from the rest and I was devastated when it ended, like completely crushed.
Soon enough I went off to college, I dated a lot more guys (you’ve heard all about them if you’re on our newsletter!), but I always had him in the back of my mind.
We ran into each other randomly about five years later. I was stunned to see him (he was in my house of all places, someone brought him to a party there and he had no idea he’d be seeing me!). I could barely speak I was so nervous. We chatted for a bit, then he messaged me on Facebook a few days later and we talked for hours and hours, I was positive that this was the beginning of round two for us, but then he went dark again. A few more years went by and we ran into each other again. Once again I had soaring high hopes… and then was crushed again when nothing came of it (I found out later he had a girlfriend at the time).
Another year goes by. It was summer and I was having the time of my life. I decided to take a break from dating and focus on myself. Then I ran into him in Central Park on a Saturday afternoon. At last, he was single and I was single, we were both living in NYC, now was the time. But he didn’t contact me after that. So I decided to contact him. I sent him a friendly message on Facebook and opened the door wide for him to ask me out… but he didn’t take my expertly laid out bait.
So I went back to doing what I was doing. I focused on myself, I had fun, I spent time with friends, I did a lot of writing, I traveled, I discovered so many things about myself. I felt happier and better than ever before, all the pieces in my life were finally clicking… and then at the very end of the summer, he reached out to me and after hours of talking, he asked me out. Our first date was seven hours long and we got married a year to the day later!
Many people, myself included, have asked my husband what inspired him to randomly reach out to me again after showing no interest in starting things up again previously. And he doesn’t really know the answer. He can’t explain it. He said it was just a strong urge, that all of a sudden he realized it made sense.
My story illustrates the power of working on yourself, of being your best self, of being in a happy, settled place before you enter into a relationship. The reason my husband doesn’t know what shifted is that it wasn’t a tangible thing. It was my vibe and my energy. I changed a lot from the beginning of the summer to the end, I did a lot of important inner work and I genuinely loved myself and was happy with my life. That’s the kind of energy that draws people in. That’s what makes people see you in a different light.
This is obviously a very abridged version of a very long and crazy story that spans over a decade, so feel free to leave questions in the comments section if you want to know more and I’d be happy to answer!
Here is a small selection of testimonials from readers. There were many, many more but this article is already running quite long! (Names have been omitted for privacy sake.)
“I was absolutely crushed when my boyfriend broke up with me seemingly out of the blue. Beyond devastated. I read so many articles on how to get your ex back but they all seemed so stupid. Then I found you guys. I read what you wrote about the no contact rule, and also questions to ask before getting back together with an ex and my mind was blown. I followed your advice to a T and when I was feeling really strong, I contacted him. We ended up meeting for a drink and he said I seemed different, more relaxed and comfortable with myself. We didn’t dive right back in, it was a slow process but it felt so different the second time. I didn’t feel so needy and terrified of losing him and everything just felt different. Anyway, we’ve been going strong for two years now and are looking for a place to move into together and I owe it all to you!”
“I recently got back in touch with my ex and we’re trying to make it work again. What I felt really helped me through the process was the no contact rule for at least three months and truly working on yourself and learning to find happiness outside of the relationship. I got involved with different hobbies, such as sports/working out to make myself feel good, as well as go back to salsa dancing which was something I love to do.”
“Hi! I’ve been a fan of your work for over five years now. When I broke up with my ex, I was devastated. Then I read a lot of your stuff about getting your ex back. It changed my thinking and my thinking changed my life. I worked on myself. I started doing makeup, became a makeup artist, launched my makeup line, and have started to get recognition. I feel so good about myself now and I have no regrets. Now my ex wants me back but I realized I don’t want to go back because I’m moving forward. Thanks for everything you’ve shared and written.”
“Sabrina! I followed your advice and got my ex back and would love to share my story. He broke up with me last year in April after being together for about a year and a half. When he broke up with me I kept it together and didn’t cry and was understanding of his decision, I kind of knew it was coming. Of course, I broke down as soon as I left his house. He was even crying when I left. Anyway, I decided to go completely no contact. We were still friends on Facebook because we didn’t want to leave things on bad terms. I was really focused on doing my best to move on and live my life. After seven weeks of no contact, he reached out to me. I didn’t make it too easy because I wanted him to work a bit, and I was also trying to move on. Eventually, we decided to meet up and ended up having a three-hour conversation. It was a really good one and we talked about what we were looking for and he was very understanding of what I needed and the reasons it ended at all. That was almost a year ago and we are still together. And while we still have our issues and are trying to work through things, it’s definitely so much better than it was the first time around. I think holding myself together and absolutely no contact was the key!”
Exactly How To Get Your Ex Back:
- Step 1: Follow the No Contact Rule.
- Step 2: Avoid committing the 7 deadly relationship sins.
- Step 3: Work on yourself mind, body, and soul.
- Step 4: Reconnect and meet up.
- Step 5: Take our quiz and find out exactly what to do next.