Ask a Guy: How to Get Him to Text You Back post image

Ask a Guy: How to Get Him to Text You Back


OK… I’m confused. How do you get a guy to text you back?

The guy I’ve been dating for the last two months used to text me back right away whenever I texted him. He would send me sweet messages, he’d never leave me hanging, and he seemed really into me.

However, for the last two weeks I feel like something changed. Now there have been times where he won’t text me for a day or two and when we do text, I feel like it’s always me initiating the conversations. It went from him showering me with attention and affection to him not responding to texts for hours.

I don’t know what changed but I have this horrible feeling I screwed something up or maybe I’m bugging him. I’ve eased up on the texts (just in case I was overwhelming him), but for the times I really want to hear from him can you tell me how to get him to text me back?

Let me start off by saying that if you’ve ever read anything by me, you know that honesty is my brand and I don’t sugarcoat my messages.  I’m prefacing my immediate answer with that disclosure because I don’t want you to mistake my bluntness for rudeness.  Everything I’m saying is with the intent to help you… that’s why I’m here.

In terms of you wanting him to text you back, my most blunt question is: What’s there to gain and what’s there to lose?

Let me explain…

First:  What’s there to lose?

I’ll share some of my personal experience…

I work all the time.  From the moment I’m up to maybe an hour or two before I go to bed, chances are I’m working… it’s what I do.  It’s who I am.

So throughout the day, I get texts from all different people.  My employees.  My friends.  The woman/women in my life. Some of those texts get responses immediately.  Some don’t.

Here’s a list of the texts that I avoid responding to:

  • Texts that are going to lead to a distracting conversation away from what I’m concentrating on
  • Texts where someone wants me to drop everything to do something for them while I’m in the middle of something else
  • Texts where they want me to be the audience to whatever drama or issue they’re experiencing at the moment
  • Texts where I have to deal with something… anything.
  • In short… texts that take something away from me (my focus, my attention, my positive mood, my sanity, etc.)

It’s not that I don’t like the people texting me… and it’s definitely not because I’m greedy or self-centered (I’m generous and I like giving to others… I put others first to a fault, to be perfectly honest.)

The fact is, I can only give so much and when I get a text that adds yet another thing to my plate of things to deal with, I’m likely to ignore it, or at least put off responding.

Before you know it, minutes turn to hours and daylight turns to past-midnight… all of a sudden, it’s too late to respond.

Texts that take energy away from me (or any guy) are more subtle than you think.  I’m a considerate guy, but when I’m dealing with thirteen crises during my work day and a girl is texting me about how I should be texting her more and giving her more attention… that’s a drain I could do without.

I’ve talked about neediness so many times before that I don’t feel like explaining it in great depth, but I’ll reiterate to say:

Neediness is a state of mind, not any specific action or actions.

It’s the feeling that if you don’t get some kind of emotional reassurance or validation from another person, then you won’t be “OK”.

Neediness is crippling to the quality of any relationship (whether it’s a guy or woman acting needy) and it’s something you need to prevent from creeping into your mind at all costs.  Needy texts are guaranteed to be ignored by a guy. Personally, I don’t ignore needy texts out of cruelty – I ignore them because it’s an insatiable relationship monster that I don’t ever want to feed (metaphorically speaking).

MORE: A Guy’s Take on Neediness

What’s there to gain?

From another angle, you could say what does make him want to text you back?  Eagerly even…

Well I’ll share the texts I most readily respond to immediately:

  • Anything urgent or a crisis.
  • Something light and funny, with no expectation for conversation or even a response necessarily.
  • A work colleague who wants to do business with me.
  • Anything from my family.  No matter what.
  • Anything hot and sexy (like I said, blunt honesty is my brand)

Let’s talk about that last one.  If a girl wants to flirt with me over text and send me sexy pictures, I’m all over that.  I’ve never portrayed myself as a saint and when it comes to sexting… well… that’s something I don’t mind dropping everything for.

Now before you march to my South Beach condo with a burning pitchfork, let me explain.

I work constantly and I work hard.  I can’t express in words what a breath of fresh air it is when a sexy woman appears on my phone and her fundamental message is:  I want you to feel good.  I want you to be turned on.  I want you to want me.

And if you think I’m being a pig with what I just said, I challenge you to find a man who disagrees – even the most feminized, wouldn’t-hurt-a-fly, harmless man would agree that if there’s a sexy girl sending him some alluring messages, you can be sure he’ll be all over that.  Guaranteed.

However, my overall message here isn’t so superficial to suggest that sexting is the answer to all text message dilemmas.  What I’m really driving at is if you want him to respond quickly to your texts and love texting you, then make the experience of texting you awesome.

Don’t make it a chore for him.  Don’t make it a performance he has to do for you.  Don’t make it something you chastise him about.

Be a woman that he loves to text because his life is more fun and more full with you perking him up.  Orient your mind towards giving him what he likes, not on what you want to get from him.

Men love when someone makes their day lighter and simpler, not heavier and more complex.  At the heart of it, that’s the secret.

Is His Texting Style His Habit or a Troubled Relationship Symptom?

You’d be amazed at the number of questions I get about guys and texting.

One of the first questions I ask is, “How is your relationship when you’re together?”

I ask this because, to be quite frank, a lot of guys… (continued – Click to keep reading Ask a Guy: How to Get Him to Text You Back)

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Sacha

I met this guy who play in the band. I thought that he was very handsome. We started talking and he asked me for my number. We started to text for a few weeks, all of the sudden he slow down on texting me and he never even ask me out or anything. He seem like he is trying to make me ask him out. Last I texted him he never reply till now. Should I be worried about or should I even ask him why he not really answering to my text anything. That was going to be my text to him “you seem to be very busy and I don’t want to be a bother to you. Let me know if you still want to talk to me”. What should I do?

Reply May 6, 2015, 12:18 pm

Crys

Hi Eric,

I met this amazing sweet man a few weeks ago in Florida at a social club/hotel (I’m from NY, he lives in Amsterdam & NY)… We realized that we had everything in common and could not stop hanging out together for the rest of the night. We made out, I went back to my room afterward. He called me in the morning (4 hours later) asked me to go running before he had to leave for the airport – I said no, he called again and came by to say goodbye and we made out. During the time we hung out he said that he loved that we both have 2 kids and that we could take our time getting to know each other. He texts me as he was boarding his plane and said he couldn’t wait to see me in Ny. 1 week later he calls and texts. We’ve been exchanging sexy messages… He told me he wanted to spend the entire day with me and wake up to me… So things seemed to be exciting. I wrote him 2 semi long mssgs a few days ago telling him I’m excited to spend time together, and reflecting on the time we spent together the first night and he doesn’t respond. Both mssgs sent during his work day, my off time. He’s a CEO and I’m a VP… He thought we were so compatible. Why hasn’t he responded to my last mssgs? Too long to respond to bc he’s too busy or losing interest? His last mssg to me before my 2 mssgs was – “I will not disappoint you”. (Think its sex related bc his texts are pretty flirty/sexy). Am I his NY girl? We’re both 40. He’s divorced and I’m single after a 2 year committed relationship. I just want to know so I can understand whether I should move on or keep him as an option. I know that my next move is to not reach out again. But should I forget him? What is happening?

Reply April 28, 2015, 7:44 pm

amy

Basically i saw my ex boyfriend, we split up because of distance. I know he hasn’t been with anyone else and neither have I and when I saw him it was as if we were still together. I still have feelings for him, what do I do?

Reply April 17, 2015, 6:52 pm

Victoria

I have never been the type of girl to worry if a guy answers my texts or not. Then I meet this guy that’s really kind and before he asked me out we both had said that we didn’t want a relationship since we both had recently gotten out of one. We were good and he texted me all day, everyday. They were light, funny texts. Around October, November he says he likes me but he didn’t want to push me into a relationship ( i’m 19 and he’s 22) so I told him that I liked him too and that we could take things slow to see if we would work out. After I said yes, his texts started to become sweeter but less, we wouldn’t text ALL the time like before. I had no problem since i’m in college and I never see him all the time either ( We’ve only seen each other once and that was in November). I try not to text him everyday so we only talk once maybe twice a week and it never long possibly 1 hour. I was on spring break last week and he said that he was going to text me to see when we could go out. He never texted me and, to not sound needy, I didn’t text him either. I sent him a text saying Hi when I got back to school and he hasn’t answered( and that was on Monday). I don’t want to push him so I haven’t sent another one, what do I do? Do I still wait for him to answer?

Reply April 15, 2015, 8:24 pm

Emily

Hi Eric! I’m a 19 year old female dating a guy age 30. I’m confused with his texting habits and the times we are seing each other. I’m so confused because I know he likes me but when it comes to seeing each other it almost never happens even though we text a lot and we’ve been having sex much too but lately he says he’s too busy to come see me and I know that I’m so busy too I can’t drop everything off my hand and anyways I told him we need to see each other more often and he indeed promised me that he will be better on that. But the thing is he has promised me a billion times since like 2 years! We have been on and off since then and we do have sexy conversations, I send him a lot of sexy pics and he sends me back, and then few days ago we both watched a kinky movie and I asked him if he have had kinky fabtasies about me and he ignored replying me. Anyways this is NOT the first time he ignores me the weird thing is that he comes on and off all the time I don’t know why. I know he came out of a relationship like 3 months ago and I’ve been completely fine with his gf before I think he might be seeing her again but I am still ok with it. You see this is complicated can you try to answer me in the best way you can? Thanks!

Reply April 10, 2015, 2:24 pm

confusded

I can’t express in words what a breath of fresh air it is when a sexy woman appears on my phone and her fundamental message is: I want you to feel good. I want you to be turned on. I want you to want me.
And if you think I’m being a pig with what I just said, I challenge you to find a man who disagrees – even the most feminized, wouldn’t-hurt-a-fly, harmless man would agree that if there’s a sexy girl sending him some alluring messages, you can be sure he’ll be all over that. Guaranteed.

^^ thia is what I’ve read but I’m still confused because I am this woman and me and the guy I like and was friends with have been sexting for over a month we agreed fwb but haven’t met up recently due to distance all of a sudden he’s texting/sexting has diminished when I text him he either doenst respond or if he does it’s different I said if u don’t wanna talk to me anymore that’s fine just say but he didn’t say he doesn’t so what’s going on? Lol

Reply March 16, 2015, 9:21 pm

Tyka Snyder

The guy always texts back and I sent him a naughty flirty text and he responded wow. And didn’t say more I asked him if I was being to forward; we’ve had sex but he seemed unsure and uncomfortable with me asking him what he liked or if he felt good and just got the same tense it feels good. Its the only response he had; but was very affectionate, eye contact so he was interested. Is he interested in more and my sexual behavior is making him nervous that im not or is he inexperienced possibly and doesn’t know how to respond or reciprocate? I’ve said naughty things before and he responded with words like proficient and oral and bj.

Reply March 15, 2015, 2:10 am

Mich

Confused as I can possibly be. Our phone conversations are fantastic – we talk about everything, very in depth conversations about different things. Now I haven’t heard from him in more than a day and I literally have no idea why that is. We usually text every day – he recently had a large work project which he told me he would me very unavailable, so I didn’t expect any texts but he would still send me something during the day just a quick “I miss you” or “Thinking of you”. He is back, we have texted and talked by phone then yesterday – nothing – for the first time in 3 months – absolutely nothing. I text him yesterday day morning to say I hoped his meetings went well and that I knew he would be awsome in his work and that I was thinking of him. He has just started a new personal project that he is working on and we have talked about extensively. And now NOTHING!!!! He has told me he more than cares for me and that one day it’s just all going to come spilling out. He and I talk about the unusual connection we both feel and on and on. I am just so torn because I have feelling for this person and from everything he has said, he does as well. I have not text him since yesterday morning and I do not plan to. I feel like the ball is in his court at this point. I just enjoy him so much and as I said, I care for him. I have a very full life myself so I am busy with projects of my own. So I understand very much being busy. I just find it odd that during his other busy times, he still found a second to send me a quick message and now….????? I have told him how those little messages make me feel special and how much I appreciate him taking the time to send me that to let me know he is thinking of me. Almost as soon as I acknowledged those things – he hasn’t done it. He asks me if I am happy – and I answer that I am – because I am a happy person – I don’t rely on him to make me happy – he ads to my happiness however, which perhaps I should tell him that in that way, I usually just answer that questions with a “yes, I am”. And I have been, until right now – I am utterly confused – my heart feels like a small hole has formed for some crazy reason. HELP!!!!!!!!

Reply February 13, 2015, 8:39 am

Cheryl

My bf works out of town so when he is away I uaually get a short 5-10 minute phone call daily that’s it. But there are a couple times where I haven’t heard from him for2 days. It makes me feel w isn’t into me or there is someone else. When he is home I am with him all the time so I’m totally
Confuaed and vwry worried…..helppppp

Reply February 7, 2015, 2:15 pm

Gabriela Cano

Okay so this guy is a freshman in college and I’m a junior in high school I’ve liked him for the longest time and I started to snap chat him
He would respond but it was like a normal conversation. I feel like he doesn’t want to talk to me because he takes a long time to respond. How do I make him message me more and make him interested in me?

Reply January 29, 2015, 11:12 am

Clare

I met a guy and we met on a Friday night which is rare to begin with. He then preceded to ask me out Saturday night so all was good. We went out the next 2 weekends and started to talk about my personal life. I am in a situation similar to a situation that he just got out of with a 5 year GF. As soon as he found out my Mom lived with me he told me he needed time. A few days time is what he said he needed, but I couldn’t let it go, I kept hounding him and text bombing him. He has not replied to any of my texts for a week now. Is there any chance of getting him back?

Reply January 28, 2015, 4:35 pm

andrea

Hi my case is a bit different. This guy with whom i had a veery long time affair (age difference of 15 year, he being 25 and me 40, so we couldn´t be gf and bf) used to text me every day and quite often as he lived far away (other city 7 hours away) from where i live. He moved now only 40 min away and said he was afraid of us becoming too close and he also realized he wanted a girlfriend as he thinks he is missing something in life by not having a real relationship. So we kind of “split” and obviously his texts are rather dry and he doesn´t text as often as before. He write one day he still like me and he wanted to see me to clarify things….still we didn´t see each other as he didn´t suggest it.
I stop writing to him because i don´t want to be either pushy or seem needy and i still like him but i miss him and miss his messages. I decided to leave him alone and break contact unless he wants to write…which is what I would like.
Sounds really dumm as the difference of ages is really big and eventually he will leave, i guess.

Reply January 22, 2015, 5:48 am

Sarah

It seems your article is suggesting that we adapt ourselves to suit the needs of men. “Orient your mind toward giving him what he likes ,not on what you want to get from him” a relationship is give and take.

I don’t believe any relationship should be prohibiting in anyway for any of the participants, the point is a guy shouldn’t have to text you as a chore..I.e. If he would prefer to be doing something else then he shouldn’t be prohibited from doing that. If he stops texting then he is either playing it cool or would simply rather being doing something else. If a man used to text all the time and showed love and affection then suddenly stops it is probably one of those two reasons. I think my boyfriend of two years has started preferring to do something else, that is fine. It is your mission to find out why your boyfriend has stopped texting. Once you know you can make an informed decision on whether or not you want to carry on with them. Perhaps you like the chase or perhaps you don’t like to feel second best, you decide.

Reply January 4, 2015, 5:45 pm

Rachel

You’re a sexist pig. Women are people too. You must be a republican or something. What kind of advice is this?

Reply December 23, 2014, 1:36 pm

Kim

Hi Eric, I’m in no relationship right now. I’m on a dating site and matched well with a guy. As we messaged, he stated, we have a lot in common. He asked to start texting so we did. In two weeks we sent pic’s of ourselves his were naked, he called min sexy, ckassy, he loves them, and had phone sex twice. He keeps saying we need to meet, when we set a day and time he was getting sick. Fine, I believe him. You suggested a sexy pic. Good idea. It’s fun, but is there a way to ask him if he still wants to get to know me? And, What is the standard of getting to know one another if the dating sites are where I’m meeting guys. I understand he and other guys are tired from work and are busy on days off and talking to other women on the site. Thank you for your time, Kim

Reply December 17, 2014, 12:17 am

Kim

Hi Eric, I’m in no relationship right now. I’m on a dating site and matched well with a as we messaged, he stated, we have a lot in common. He asked to start texting so we did. In two weeks we sent pic’s of ourselves and had phone sex twice. He keeps saying we need to meet, when we set a day and time he was getting sick. Fine, I believe him. You suggested a sexy pic. Good idea. It’s fun, but is there a way to ask him if he still wants to get to know me? And, What is the standard of getting to know one another if the dating sites are where I’m meeting guys. I understand he and other guys are tired from work and are busy on days off and talking to other women on the site. Thank you for your time, Kim

Reply December 17, 2014, 12:11 am

tee

how would I know im his confessional? like what sort of things would he tell me? examples please

Reply December 15, 2014, 3:59 am

sanabhat

i broke up with my bf 7 months ago and it was my fault. But then i even apologized to him on facebook but he didnt reply. Then yesterday after 7months i phoned him and again apologized and asked him to patchup with me. He accepted my apology but didnt accept to patchup. Then i sent him a friend request and he accepted it. But when i messaged him, he didnt reply. Please tell me what should i do. I strongly want him back. I’ll appreciate your help. Stay blessed!

Reply December 5, 2014, 7:20 am

Stacy

Hi Eric, I’m stuck and not sure if you can help but I thought I’d give it a shot. So me and my ex(it’s complicated) met at a party in May. I was 22 and he was 19. What I thought was a one night stand turned out to be a relationship. He said he’s faithful and doesn’t do one night stands and wanted to get to know me (he was drunk when he said this). Anyways after a month of friends with benefits and me slightly pressuring him on making me out, we started dating. Although the relationship still seemed like friends with benefits just with the added title. We would mostly hangout at my apartment, have sex, and then he would leave, everytime! I confronted him about this and he’s said it was because of his parents, even though he was an adult he had a curfew, even though it was usually around 2am when he would leave. Things were good though he made me feel good about myself, would always make me laugh, even bought me flowers after a small fight we had. Then it started going downhill when August came around. He goes to school in another state and we both knew that soon we wouldn’t be able to spend time like this anymore. He started hanging out with his friends more and bailing on plans with me. Along with that other things about his personality started to bother me so a week before I confronted him on how our relationship was not working out and how I wasn’t happy anymore I felt like he didn’t care about me like he used to. This talk was so heartbreaking, he started crying which made me start crying and we came to the decision to break up but still talk to each other to see if the long distance thing could work. He didn’t want the clean break because he said he loved me but hated how I always got mad at little things. So we left it at that. Since then we barely talked up until this week when he came home for thanksgiving break. Upon his arrival all I got was a snapchat saying he was back in town. I asked where he was and he replied saying he was at his friends. That night I awkwardly saw him for 2 seconds and left to go downtown to the bars with my friends. He said his phone was dead so when I get back I should text his friend. So I did when I got back and him and his friends were all still hanging out. I stayed up waiting for him to come over but he never showed. He texted me at 4 am saying he found a charger, and I replied by asking if he was coming over. He didn’t reply for 2 days. So I got depressed and decided I would not text him back. (I know this is my flaw, I’m a spiteful person) So after the 2 days he sent a text asking “What are you doing late tonight?” I thought it was a booty call and didn’t feel like responding anyways. The next night he asked if I wanted to come to a party, then what I was doing, and then attempted to call me but I ignored it. Today I texted him and asked when he was planning on leaving and his reply was that he already left. And this conversation lead to all the issues we had in our relationship. He doesn’t make me feel appreciated and/or loved because he doesn’t show that he cares. His words>”nothing is good enough for you, you hold ridiculous standards, and you get mad for the smallest reasons”. In my heart I know I should end it because we’re obviously not good for each other but at the same time I’m pretty sure I love him and think maybe he’ll mature when he’s older. Since he’s still 19 and I’m now 23. I do care about him a lot and he says the same for me. Do you think we could learn to accept each others flaws/ mistakes or should we just completely end things?

Reply November 30, 2014, 10:31 pm

Jess

Hi, ok so I was at our normal sports bar for football and they happen to have another boyncer there helping. Totally not my type but he caught my eye. We made eye contact all day but never talked. As me and my friends were walking out he came all the way out to the parking not in front of my friends to ask for my number. I was completly shocked! I normally do not meet or talk to guys when out and wasnt really looking fir any relationship. But i was like wow to go through all that ill give him a shot. We texted small talk that night at he disappearred….. The next week saw him again, hesaid he was glad i came in….he dropped that night and lost my #. I also changed mine.
We texted a little throughout that day, and lil after he didnt seem big on texting. Asked few times if wants to hang out or come over and just wasnt happening. He had recently gotten out of yr long relationship that didnt end well. She cheated…
He approched my friends at time i wasnt there to ask about me. He then came to see me that night we did end up hooking up that night. Then again distant with the text. He does work full time very busy job so i wasnt concerned, he would go days with no contact. We hung out a two other times kinda same thing not much contact. He did tell me going things with court, buying house and work. Then we hung out and was telling ne he wanted to help me financially and have a baby settle down… We talk lil over that week. We make plans for dinner and movie night….at home. He texts on his way, then his cousin breaks down… He says he will be here soon as he can, no response the night or nexr day. I was really upset, figured i just wasnt priority and i was done not going to contact….. He calls 4th day my phone broke i am sorry i just got new phone. Mske plans he comes over next day. I said he talked to his cousin and cuz we never said excludive he didnt just want to show up. If ever happens again just come over no one here, dont leave me hanging and wondering ok,i promise…
So we make plans for few days later i go to normal hang out he working everything fine. he gonna play pool and come over in lil while no worries, ill go home make dinner see u in a bit. Kiss goodbye all fine…..
Few hrs later text hows going are u coming still? Yes and he was ready for dinner ok come whenever…. Few more hrs… Hows going? Nothing, hr u change ur mind? No he playing in tournoment. Ok good luck… See you in a bit. He has not texted or called or snswered phone in 3days.
I pretty much have talked myself into that he is not into me enough that i am not priority. I feel like if u like someone u show them. He tells me when with me but it us lije if not here i am not on his mind. I dont get why bother? Why tell me all the bs and my friends.
He really not ready? Or not into me?

Reply November 26, 2014, 6:52 am

Jess

I forgot to add…… I have a 2yr old son. He has met and adores. I have not contacted him since the dsy aftet no show i just said how are you? Nothiing….

Reply November 26, 2014, 7:03 am

Stephanie

I sent this guy a funny picture on Monday night after all weekend of not texting. He never replied to that text. I just thought it’d be something funny to share with him. I haven’t texted him since.

Reply October 21, 2014, 11:35 pm

Pav

Eric
Hi,so I met this guy on line two months ago. We started chatting regularly and eventually he gave me his phone number. I didn’t use it and instead gave him mine. It took him only couple of days to contact met. Since then we were texting each other pretty much non-stop all day. And most of the time it was him texting first. Eventually after three weeks we arrange a meeting in person. That was four weeks ago. During these four weeks he`d come to see me (he lives 30miles away) every night or every second night and we even spent our days off together. He was so into me and so opened about his feelings towards me. He always wanted to know how I feel about him and he tend to discuss the previous day via txts. He was the one who wanted to establish the relationship straight away (which I thought was a bit weird tbh) making sure that we are exclusive so I wouldn’t date other guys. Then he wanted me to tell my friends about him. Well eventually I did as we seemed to get on better an better. I thought he was quite sensitive and insecure as he kept telling me how he feels and asking me how I see things. Reading between lines it was like he doubted that I could like him. I didn’t get it. He was this typical good looking, cocky football player who spend a lot of time at the gym and posing in front of a mirror. Which I thought was hilarious and I kept laughing every time I saw him doing that. He kept talking about me meeting his children (he has 3) and his family. And also about our future. Quite frankly I thought it was all too quick but I never said a word. Then last weekend he came down to see me (even met two of my girlfriends) and we had a good time as always. He left on Sunday saying that he has a busy week ahead of him and if possible he`d come and see me in the middle of the week. I was completely fine with that. So as usual we spent all Monday texting each other although I though he was a bit distant in his text which I thought was due to his busy work load. On Tuesday he texted less saying he had no signal( which occasionally happened as he also works as gas engineer) and apologised saying he had a long bad day at work and not to ask. So I didn’t ask and just said that its ok that I understand. Since then I`ve not heard from him. I texted him couple of times but no reply. Its been, ,only,, few days but its very unlike him not to text at all. So I am really confused as I don’t know what`s happening.

Reply October 4, 2014, 12:06 pm

lisa

I’ve been texting a guy I’ve met online for months! He pursued me with Se viral messages before I ever responded. Now I feel like there is chemistry and he only texts sporadically at best. We haven’t physically met. He wanted to “finally meet by swinging by my place at 1 am?!? Uhm…no way. I didn’t go for that. Should I walk away or is he interested? I’m clueless. Please help!

Reply October 2, 2014, 10:38 pm

Hailey

I did exactly what u said and sent him a sexy pic. He read it and did not respond i waited several days to talk to him then i sent him a message saying hey hows it going and shockingly he responded and then in the middle of the conversation he stopped and he didnt read the message yet now im waiting a day or two for him to open it. Hes on facebook, im not sure what to do? Should i leave him alone? Ask him for an answer? Let me know

Reply August 27, 2014, 12:27 am

C

What a load of crap – you are such a self important git. “I
so important and busy so I’ll only respond to texts that make me horny” LAME

Reply August 19, 2014, 9:05 pm

Yeny

Makes sooo much sense now!!! Wow

Reply August 14, 2014, 12:36 am

Teresa

We had a 4 year very rocky relationship, we tried to commit and be engaged but it felt so wrong and awkward, we finally broke up and usually when we fight we text for days debating and trying to figure out how to change and stay together, this time he hasn’t responded or called at all. I’m worried he moved on, what to do?

Reply August 3, 2014, 11:57 pm

Tania

Is there anyway I can write personally to you? You know, just to get private answers on my questions.

Reply July 20, 2014, 11:46 am

Claire

Been dating an older guy for 3 months, speaking most days on line.
He is from USA never been married and no children.
Things in my mind very going very well.. He told me he was invested with the relation and he even came all the way from the USA to visit travel time 36 hours.
We spent 5 great days together and and met up since.
We talk almost everyday.. Here is where I need help.
I have never been needy until out last meet up he was leaving to do a dangerous job ie gone into a war zone you can only imagine.
He told me he would contact me when he reached there( never did..
I sent one message saying hey I hope you made it.. First one was to Skype and no reply.. Second was to what’s app he replied I did make it A lot going on will get in touch with you soon.. It’s been 3 weeks and nothing I have backed off completely ..as I am unsure if he has or if he needs space due to his job and what he dealing with. How long do I wait I have no closure. Please advise, this man seems far to mature not to put closure on what we have we were even planning on me going to see him in the US.

Reply July 20, 2014, 9:35 am

TJ

Hi Eric, thank you for the wonderful advice! A few weeks ago I was driving myself crazy thinking I had done something wrong. I’m playing the waiting game right now and every time I feel like texting or calling, I read your articles again to drum it into my brain to stop! I’ll update when he comes around, but in the mean time, I’m keeping busy with my own stuff!

Reply July 2, 2014, 6:45 pm

stephanie

I don’t know how I have never read your advice columns before, but these have made me feel like I know more than ever before. So I have been talking to this guy that I met online in January. We have not met yet because I was away at school and only just got home. He initiated the relationship and used to be incredibly attentive to me. He would text me, sext me, call me…it was great. All of a sudden he says we are moving too fast and now he rarely texts me at all. He doesn’t answer my texts some times and it makes me crazy because he claims to want to talk to me more and meet me but I don’t know what to think. Please help.

Reply June 4, 2014, 11:19 am

Lans

Hi Eric
I don’t know how I didn’t read your columns before lol.. I think you are the love guru and I am reading your articles now for the first time coz I am going through a break-up myself at the moment. I had this problem: I didn’t know what else to do this guy to text me back. To my dismay I have broken up with this guy but by reading your article made me see clearly some of my own mistakes and I do want to thank you for your advice. It has helped me a lot today. Cheers from OZ.

Reply May 26, 2014, 5:27 am

L

I went on a trip with a guy. I know he’s busy from witnessing first hand the demand of his job. After the trip I texted him hi one day and he responded headed to dinner with a client I hope all is well. The next week I tested him with I know you’re stressed and pressured feel better. He responded the next day early in the morning with traveling sorry my text isn’t working great outside the us. I hope all is well.
He told me he did have to go out of town internationally and domestically for work. He even warned this would busy month. But the I hope all is well confuses me

Reply May 11, 2014, 5:50 am

rachel

I love you so much in my heart

Reply May 10, 2014, 12:55 pm

LA

Meant to say “responding” not “resounding.”

Reply October 24, 2013, 4:13 pm

LA

I just had to leave a comment on this issue… I was seeing a guy who was doing the exact same thing: texting all the time, showering me with attention, etc. I noticed after a while, we texted less and less, and pretty soon I was texting him and he would take hours, sometimes a full day to respond! I realized after doing some research on this site that I was way too readily available for him. I wasn’t making him chase me. I wasn’t making him sweat it out wondering what I’m doing and why i’m not resounding. I decided that I needed to back off the neediness factor 100%. It was really hard not texting him and wondering what I could have done wrong, and wishing I could go back in time and redo it all. But I stayed strong and kept myself busy. After exactly one week of silence, he texted me! He apologized and said he has been so busy… he asked if I’m doing OK… he responded to my texts within minutes–not hours or days! I suddenly felt a HUGE shift in power in our relationship. I was making him chase me… and he liked it! I’m telling you ladies… this really worked. I got my second chance to “redo” everything. And now I always keep my cool. I will be the first to talk tohim once in a while, but i usually wait for him to come to me. I thought I was being rude at first by doing this, but men are weird. He is actually drawn to me more the less I act like I want him. Try it. It will suck at first, but if your guy is anything like mine, your silence will act like a magnet and draw him right back to you!

Reply October 24, 2013, 4:11 pm

Maureen

I think this is an ok article, but fails to answer the most important part! And that is, of you ARE in an established committed love relationship, and HE initiated 15 texts a day, and multiple e-mails a day, and multiple phone calls a day, and THEN gets “too busy” to even connect at all, THAT’S what seems to make even the strongest most independent women “needy”…

It’s when men change their attentiveness that women ask questions… And that SHIFT in the man’s behavior was NOT addressed in this article… Every woman knows that being busy and involved in their own lives is a healthy thing to do and a good way to be, but when your bf or fiancée pulls away and gives less and stops texting or responding to your attempts at quick easy connection, yes, sometimes that makes a normally and still independent strong woman ask questions!

It’s not needy, it’s curiosity! Shifts in behavior prick away at foundations of trust… An occasional lapse or the odd shift in behavior (a one-off), no problem, but the wholesale changing of entire relationship and love connection patterns deserves SOME explanation… And I didn’t hear that in this article…

Reply August 17, 2013, 12:07 pm

Eva

Well said!

Reply July 17, 2014, 3:29 am

Penny

When he finally texts you how long should you wait to text him back? minutes, hours days??
mine is the typical story where he used to test me atleast once a day if not more. Now 6 months into casually dating (we’re NOT exclusive) his texts are getting less and less frequent. We are both in our 50’s (if age is a factor..lol)

TIA!!

Reply August 16, 2013, 6:10 am

Elle

Eric,
My guy went from texting every day to going MIA for a couple of days after I told him how I felt about him. I realized in reading this article that when I told him I liked him, it was for him and not for me…so while I would have liked a reply I didn’t need it to feel secure about his feelings. Ok, maybe I was a tiny bit worried about whether he would reply because he could have gone into the freak out phase. You were right, the sexy text did the trick. It took 3 minutes for him to get back to me after 2 days of radio silence. It felt good to give him something nice to look at during his long work day :)
Thanks!
<3
Elle

Reply August 1, 2013, 5:14 pm

Linda

Hi Eric,

I have disagree with you. I think that we often make too many excuses for men, saying how differently wired they are, when really, all humans are the same. If a woman/man wants a woman/man, rest assured that he/she will not lose an opportunity to communicate with her/him. Now if we take an extreme case where the woman/man is really busy at work…at the worse point she/he would reply saying that they can’t chat now but will reach out later during the day. I truly believe that a real grown up relationship should work that way…otherwise the woman/man is definitely not that into the other person.

@Eric, ask yourself and please be honest (I know that you like being straightforward) if that woman was indeed the one* (let me clarify the one, wouldn’t want you to think that I am stuck in a Disney Movie ending). The one: being a woman that you would consider as a serious long term partner, that you would be proud to introduce to your family and with whom you could see yourself having children. Would you really risk losing the relationship by blaming not responding to a text because you are busy.

When I justify an action by me being busy, it usually means, sorry dude I consider that the things that I am doing at work right to be of a higher priority and interest than you are. This was me being brutally honest. Now it doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t care for that person intimately on a superficial level…it just means that since they are not a long term investment for me or possibly because I am not at that stage of commitment…

This text was only to point out that at times we blame women for coming out as needy and dependent but really I have been in a few relationships where men were needy as well. After having experienced those needy men, I came to the conclusion that they came off needy to me simply because I didn’t care enough about them to make them feel confident about the relationship, again simply because I didn’t US in the long term; momentary distraction.

Reply June 1, 2013, 11:43 am

Mia

Well said and agreed! It’s all about common courtesy and the respect you have for a person. Unless you have a career that requires you to be without your phone, there is no excuse that you can go 24 hours plus without responding back to someone’s text message. The advice given to females is to not act needy, yet then we are given advice that makes excuses for guys not responding…sure, sure it is possible that a guy was just busy when you texted him, but more times than most a man will make time to respond to you. That response can be “hey, I’ll text you later, kinda busy right now,” or a response to continue the conversation but the point is people don’t just put people off that they are interested in, in fear that the person will lose interest in them.

By not saying this, but making an excuse for the guys texting habit only leaves many woman to assume everything’s alright with the guy they like and that he feels the same way about them, it is until they begin to see the mixed signals–like infrequent to long wait response times–that they can begin to exemplify signs of neediness. Yes, neediness is a mental and often emotional projection, but many people become needy in these relationships when they are led to believe they are close to achieving what they want (as in closing the deal and having the man/woman of their dreams be their gf/bf).

Simply put you don’t want women to be needy but then you tell the poor girl to continue contacting this man and subconsciously making him her priority when he’s giving signs he doesn’t see her the same way? Oh that’s the key to making a needy woman.

Reply July 14, 2013, 4:17 am

anderson

spot on

Reply October 13, 2014, 11:45 pm

Changed

I used be the type of girl who got worried when a guy didn’t text back but now I don’t care cause I realised if a guy is really into you he will text you and we all get busy. I used to look at my phone at times hoping he would read my brain signals. The first think I have learnt with my new job is texts can be distracting especially when you’re in the middle of a line of thought trying to do your duties at work. You want to text back but you don’t respond as you get caught up in whatever you’re doing and the texting can drag on, sometimes you’re tired you want to respond but your so stressed out that you just want piece and lastly it can be hard at times, I know with myself I admit I have been faced with this dilemma one to many times if a guy is that into he will text you when his free. Eric I think this logic applies to both men and women .Thanks to your straight out truth I have come to not care so much as I did before if a guy liked text me because what is worrying going to do nothing and really ladies do we want to spend time messaging the guy who doesn’t put any effort at all and just cut our loses before we realise he is just not that into me or wait until the right one comes along who makes the effort and is really into us.

Reply June 1, 2013, 8:19 am

Merelyn

Yeah but what about if someone is hard of hearing and/or dead dating a man who can hear perfectly fine???

Reply May 31, 2013, 1:00 am

Merelyn

I mean deaf* lol not dead!

Reply May 31, 2013, 1:07 am

sophia

I dont know Eric. Its incredible to believe men arent into texting or that they are all busy as you are because we live in a technological era. Texting is all we do. Men, woman evenly.

Men may not text long emotional texts with their buddies, but they text. Woman in the other hand text and we can never have enough of the long texting thing.

I usually prefer e mailing than texting. I love computers and I hate cell phones.

All we want is that they show us some signs that they are still alive. Maybe 1 text a day asking us about our day. They just cant spend days not talking to us because that means they are treating us like their buddies, they arent showing us genuine interest. They are treating us like one of them. That is all we want.

The main problem with all of this (and I think that life will be much easier for everbody) is that men dont know how to treat woman. They dont know how we connect. Period.

Reply May 23, 2013, 12:39 am

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