There is a guy I’ve been talking to for over a year. I met him through a friend in Europe, we all chilled, had fun, he was nice to me. One year later back in the States (we live in the same city) I was unknowingly talking to him over the phone just messing around (his cousin was dating my friend and his cousin gave the phone to him). He said he remembered me, told me to come over, so I did. We connected over the summer and saw each other a few times. He would hug me, sometimes ask for a kiss on the cheek and was nice all the time.

We lost contact for a while but then I started calling him around December. He came to my house for New Years and  got mad at me because I hit him upside the head. I was just playing around and I’m always aggressive towards him. Whenever I contact him, he always writes back….but he will just never ever agree to see me anymore. The, when I bitch him out and tell him I’m done, he’ll call two seconds later to apologize and will ask me on a date that we never end up going on!

I NEED HELP…no one can diagnose my problem…it’s driving me crazy. For some stupid reason I like this person a lot. I can’t seem to stop writing to him because I feel that he likes me back but won’t admit it because he has too much pride. Each and every time I shut him down and tell him I’m done with his ass, he makes it so that I’m not mad at him anymore…why? If he doesn’t like me, why respond or ask me out on a date period?”

See our guy’s response after the jump!

From the way you tell it, it sounds to me like you’ve got an aggressive personality. I’m not saying that in a bad way – you sound like a fun girl.

On the other hand, the way you describe the guy sounds like he’s kind of softer or more passive than you.

One of the ways  I size up a situation is by looking at the details that you choose to tell me. So when you write that he was “nice all the time”, that you “hit him upside the head”, that you’re “aggressive towards him”, and that he apologizes when you “bitch him out”… it paints a picture of the situation as you want me to see it.

In fact, I think that a lot of the time when people ask for relationship advice they already have a pretty clear idea of the answer (or at least the answer they want to hear), they just want to hear it from someone else.

So with all that said, I would say that he probably does like you, but he’s either a) afraid of how you’ll behave around him, b) scared of you in general, or c) under the impression that you are too out-of-control for him. I mean, a lot of guys dig a girl with “spunk”, so don’t think I’m saying you did something wrong. Some guys don’t know how to handle or don’t prefer a girl if she’s too aggressive.

You probably are successful at getting him to call you back by making him feel guilty, but in the long run that hurts your chances for any sort of good relationship. Frankly, it’s manipulation… even if you can coerce the guy into doing what you want him to in the short-term, he will see it for what it is and he will either go “cold” or start to resent you for the manipulation.

This is what I think is happening. You guys hung out at first and it was laid back. Then he started to like you and then you fell out of contact for a bit. Then you started to like him and maybe you started to get a little needy and that’s where your “aggressiveness” came from. So he starts picking up on the neediness and starts pulling away and then you start “bitching him out” and forcing him into feeling guilty and apologizing. But at the root of it, it’s not that he has anything to apologize for; the root cause is your own neediness and desire for him to like you back, now that you are ready to like him.

So that’s my take on what’s going on. With that said, I don’t think this is something that can’t be easily repaired and improved. I think you should find some other things and/or people to occupy your time. Give him opportunities to connect with you, but don’t put off doing other things just to wait for him to call back.

The guy started out liking you, so if you give him the opportunity to pursue you (without smothering it with neediness), I am sure he’ll come around. Moreover, proceed with caution in terms of the “aggressiveness” – if he’s into you being aggressive, it will be obvious. But if you act aggressive and he gets upset, angry, withdrawn, etc., then you need to rethink how you approach him (or if he even is the right match for you.) As for “guilting” him into calling you and apologizing, I would strongly recommend that you don’t do that since no guy wants to be around a girl who makes him feel bad.

Good luck and hope it helps!

-eric charles

Got a question? Send it to askaguy@anewmode.com and we’ll get you some answers!

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Tagged as: advice for dating, dating advice, dating tips, does he want to date me, flirting tips for shy girls, love advice, love tips, relationship advice, relationship tips

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