Ask a Guy: My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want To Live Together post image

Ask a Guy: My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want To Live Together


I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and eight months.  I knew he never wanted to get married but assumed we would eventually live together.

He now tells me that he doesn’t want to live together. He likes living alone.

I am so heartbroken. It feels like I don’t have a future together. He seems to put himself and friends first before me. He tells me he loves me always and forever. I am confused. Do I stay with the man I love more than anything in this world?  What do I do if my boyfriend doesn’t want to move-in together?

Relationships don’t always make us happy. But relationships are guaranteed to make one or both people grow… maybe not immediately in the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship, but sooner or later a relationship will force us to face things we would rather not face.

This may sound like a downer statement, but it really isn’t. It’s a great part of relationships – it’s the part that makes us grow as people.

You figured that you would eventually move in together. He’s saying that he likes living alone.

Regardless of what vision you had in your head of how you think things should be or could be eventually, he’s not looking for that to be the reality right now.

In fact, he’d probably currently look at living together as something that would trap him and confine him.

Now at this point, it would be really easy for a girl to get really upset and think there’s no future. Well the truth is that she’d be right to think there’s no future… because there never really is any future to begin with.

What I mean is… the “future” is just an idea or image we have in our head about how things should be or how we want things to be or how we expect things to be.

But if that future doesn’t match reality… we get upset. When you really think about it, that’s silly. It’s just an imaginary story in your head… nobody truly ever knows what the future holds for them or their relationship.

I can tell you this though… if you like the relationship as it is right now… if you love him as your man right now… if you can live with the relationship exactly as it is right now… then be happy and don’t mess with it.

It’s funny, but a lot of the time relationship conflicts happen because one person has an idea or vision in their head and their partner has no idea of what the other one’s “image” of the relationship is. And instead of giving each other trust and space, the one with the “image” or “vision” of how the relationship “should” be just starts freaking out and attacking their partner for not “getting it”. (By “getting it” I mean the partner not participating in the fantasy that the other one has in his/her mind for the relationship.)

Don’t get caught up in fantasy land. See things exactly as they are at this exact moment and don’t make it into a problem for yourself.

This is a huge reason why I’m always encouraging the readers here to have fun and fulfillment in their life outside of their relationship – the biggest reason is that when we have idea time to think about our relationship, it can be easy to go into “fantasy” land about the relationship and create conflict and problems in our mind where there is none.

Give him space to be where he’s at. If you love him, accept him exactly as he is now and don’t “need” him to be or act differently. And if you can’t accept him and you absolutely must have him be different than he is now, then let him know what you need and if he can’t give it to you… break up.

But don’t confuse what I’m saying here. I’m not talking about something you really want. I’m not talking about something that you think is worth coercing him for.

I’m talking about something that you NEED and couldn’t live without in the relationship. You know that you NEED something in your relationship if breaking up seems better than continuing a relationship where your need isn’t met.

I could be wrong, but I have the impression that you’re not at that point yet. And when it comes to a relationship, you need to accept all of the person – you can’t pick and choose what parts of him you want to accept and which you don’t. If he’s not ready to live with you now, then that’s really where he’s at.

The best thing you can do is love him exactly as he is and give him every reason to be inspired to love you more deeply too. Bring the best parts of you to the relationship always – make your relationship the place where you celebrate what it is to be happy in your life and share your best moods, your best inspiration and your best appreciation for him.

It’s a sad thing, but I’ve met all sorts of women who think their relationship should be “better” somehow and their approach to improve the relationship is to constantly nag her boyfriend, argue/blame/attack him for things or sulk around being depressed that her relationship is isn’t “better”.

Amazingly, these girls always get dumped shortly after acting like this… hmmmm…

So that’s why I’m saying that your best bet is to go in the directions of deeper love and appreciation for him, versus trying to find some way to manipulate him to change or something like that.

Hope it helps,

eric charles

{ 47 comments… add one }

Leave Your Comment Now…

Amber January 12, 2014, 11:10 pm

Thank you so much for this advice. It makes so much sense. I found out in discussing this subject about living together that my boyfriend (who’s 63 and I’m 56) said he does not want us to live together. We met in 1996 and dated until 2000. Got back together in 2003 and it lasted until 2008. Got back together again recently in 2013 and things are wonderful. We’re a little older and wiser. He stated at this age he’s set in his way and enjoys his space and I can really see that that is true on my part too. We love the time we spend together and I do sleep over while visiting…and somehow…it’s very fulfilling just the way it is. I love him tremendously and know he feels the same way about me. I don’t want or see myself with anyone else and truly enjoy my freedom. We’re both very content with this decision we agreed upon from our discussion.

Reply

Angel November 16, 2013, 12:36 pm

This is one of the most intelligent replies I’ve ever seen published on any subject. Thanks for the great insight. Really helped my mentality on this subject!

Reply

Susan October 4, 2013, 6:15 pm

If she really wants to get married and her boyfriend never wants to compromise then it’s not good advise to tell her to keep wasting her time with a man who doesn’t want what she does. Maybe if she left him he would realize what he was losing and change his mind. If not, then she is better off free to find someone who wants the same as her. Otherwise, if she’s really unhappy with it but isn’t sure if she wants to leave him, tell him she wants an open relationship because she would like to get married and tell him that for now she wants to date other men as well, to see if she can meet someone more compatible. Why not rock the boat? Her boyfriend may never have considered he could lose her. He’s used to her being a doormat.

Reply

Julia August 24, 2013, 9:25 pm

Ladies, men aren’t that complicated. It’s us that make it complicated. Simply put, her boyfriend told her from the get go that he didn’t want to get married. She proceeded anyway and that told him that she was cool with the situation because he’s laid out his cards from the jump and she is still hanging around.

What is it that she doesn’t understand? Ladies, when men give you info like this, if you don’t like it, move on. Why proceed hoping he will change, and then when he doesn’t, it’s a big deal?

She should be the one choosing who is right for her. Not waiting around for this guy to suddenly see she’s the best thing since peanut butter, because guess what..he won’t. She showed by her actions that she was ok with the scenario, so in his mind, it’s status quo. Ladies, be the prize. If you don’t like something and it doesn’t fit with what you are envisioning for YOUR life, walk away.

Remember, look at people for who they are right now….not who you want them to be.

Reply

Jodie August 24, 2013, 3:38 pm

I see both sides of peoples perception of this article. In all honesty though, 2 separate times in my life : I have lived with a boyfriend and it didn’t work out and before that I have been married and lived with my ex husband. Both times it didn’t work out despite both of us wanting to do so at the time. My whole point being that just because you have this thought in your head it’s going to work out because you live together, won’t make it so!

I come from the perspective, having “been there, done that”, so why “rock the boat” if you are happy? Not all HAPPY couples live together. There are plenty of miserable couples who just “put up with” living and being with someone out of convenience or any other number of reasons and certainly not love. Not saying that’s always the case, but I know I’ve heard about that happening to others on more than one occasion.

One final thought I have on the matter is that if they are both happy with the relationship and you TRULY love the person, what’s so bad about a little compromise? If you TRULY don’t want to live apart from the one you love and you can’t “see yourself” living without him and you DON’T want to compromise, you can always leave and find a guy that does want what you want, right??

Reply

Mary August 24, 2013, 3:27 pm

I can totally relate to the boyfriend in this scenario – the roles seem to be reversed in my 5-month relationship. My guy wants me to move in, wants us to eventually get married, and I’m still wanting my space, my independence, and time for us to get to know one another better. We love each other but we’re not perfect – we have a few potentially deal-breaker issues that we may or may not be able to work past, so I’m not interested in uprooting my life right now, only to uproot it again shortly afterwards if things don’t work out. Why can’t we just take it slow? Date and see each other on the weekends and get to know each other better that way? Why do we have to “nail it down”? We’re not going to be having kids, so there’s no rush in that regard….

Reply

Erin August 24, 2013, 2:55 pm

I know a lot of these comments are harping on the fact that it’s not “fair” for the girl to always have to wait or compromise but maybe if they put themselves in their boyfriend’s shoes they would realize that you’re giving extremely sound advice. I have been in this exact situation and I’m glad that my boyfriend didn’t want to move in with me. It gave me time to evaluate the situation and realize that I like living by myself, too. If it had been the reverse and he was asking me to move in (and then getting upset with me when I said no) it would’ve made me question whether I wanted to stay with him at all because he wasn’t respecting my wishes. You need respect and a clear perception of the situation to make it work. I think you’re response is completely right.

Reply

Chava August 21, 2013, 12:01 pm

This advice is totally wrong. Why does the guy get everything he wants (living alone like a hip, swingin’ bachelor AND having a girlfriend) and the woman just has to deal with it? Absolutely unfair. My advice? Dump the selfish schmuck and find a more mature guy who is ready for a relationship.

Reply

Eric Charles August 22, 2013, 3:22 pm

Great advice…

When you don’t like what’s happening, blame the guy and then dump the guy. Hard to believe you’re not a millionaire dating guru by now…

Reply

Chava August 22, 2013, 3:42 pm

Thanks for the snark. How is blaming the girl any better, though? Why does wanting to take her relationship to the next level and move in with her boyfriend mean she’s living in a fantasy world? Why should she just have to shut up and deal with what makes HIM happy, when she’s pretty clearly unhappy with it? Seems like a big double standard.

Reply

Eric Charles August 24, 2013, 2:11 pm

Well this time around you stated your question without bite, so I’ll do the same… believe me, I’ve always been here to help… I only get “snarky” if someone comes at me swinging a metaphorical machete.

So we’re good, let’s be constructive from here… I do appreciate your questions, I think they’re good questions to address…

I don’t blame the girl – frankly, our society is obsessed with blaming and it doesn’t get anyone anywhere. There’s no place for blaming in relationship – in relationship, the two people need to be on the same side, always… being each other’s best supporter and “cheerleader” even.

So I don’t blame the girl, but I don’t blame the guy either.

In that regard, there’s no “double standard” – think about it… if two people are on the same side, there’s no double standard where one side loses and the other wins. If you’re thinking in terms of double standards, you’re looking at this from a perspective that’s going to bite you.

A couple moving in together is a great thing… if both sides want it. I mean… think about that… is there any way where that simple statement couldn’t make sense? It’s cut and dry…

See society has this obsession with framing relationships like it’s a battle of the sexes – like it’s man versus woman… that’s the opposite of relationship.

Moreover, even so-called “relationship experts” create this image like the man is holding the “candy” and the woman is trying to get that candy from him (whether it’s a girlfriend title, moving in together, a ring, children, etc.”

If you view relationships like that, you’ll never have a good relationship – it’s not about getting the opposite side to submit and surrender to what you want. That’s the opposite of relationship.

Ultimately, relationships move forward when both people want the same thing – both people are on the same page and both people are happy.

That’s relationship – that’s partnership. That’s being on the same side.

And… it’s the ONLY way you can have a relationship that works. You either are on the same side, in loving partnership… or you’re tearing it apart. There’s no third option…

So when I say fantasy world, I mean no disrespect. What I’m saying is that if she wants something and he doesn’t, there’s something happening in the relationship that needs to be looked at and addressed. They need to get on the same page and on the same side.

Again (not to beat a dead horse) – relationships are not and will never be man vs. woman. They can’t be.

Yes, that’s what’s shown on TV and in movies. But it’s poison. To every poorly-conceived modern rom-com, I’ll point to the soaring national divorce rate: our culture is terrible at relationships and clueless at understanding them.

Men and women both seriously lack understanding of what attracts the opposite sex and what makes relationships work. I try my best to fight against this, but I can only do so much… I try though…

So to tie it up, it’s not about serving and catering to make him happy while he does whatever he wants… that’s just foolish. It’s about being on the same page, on the same side and supporting one another.

To be blunt: if the guy sucks, you don’t have to be with him. You CHOOSE to be. Nobody’s forcing you. He’s not holding the keys to your happiness – if you ever find yourself in the trap of believing he does, it’s just an illusion… I promise you.

Final note – I write intensely and directly (without sugarcoating), but I hope you know that I wrote this with respect for you and with the sincere hope that the response was helpful.

Reply

jenn August 20, 2013, 6:39 pm

What’s the point of being in a relationship if my boyfriend never will want to live together? Why put effort into it if he wants to live separately? So I’m 40 and I could be wasting my time with him, right?

Reply

Debra August 20, 2013, 4:33 pm

This advice Eric is wrong. What is the problem in our society that all the cows are giving free milk, and the bulls are just lapping it up? Yikes! Ladies, if you keep giving them sex and your personal property that should only belong to your husband, what do you expect? Sex outside of marriage is the very cause of these types of problems. Remember the good old days when women where chaste and chased all that much more? These new philosophies promoting lasciviousness are ruining good relationships that could be and certainly do not promote the respect women should be having from men. Sounds like lots of dogs and cats to me!

Reply

Eric Charles August 22, 2013, 3:24 pm

As the dude said in The Big Lebowski, “That’s just… your opinion, man.”

And everything I write is my opinion.

However, it’s an undisputed fact that women aren’t cows and sex isn’t milk, so maybe instead of metaphors you just say exactly what you mean to say…

You believe something different than me. How’s it working out for you?

And no, I’m not asking if you LIKE what I’m saying. My question is… how successful are you in your dating life right now?

Reply

Jeannie August 24, 2013, 2:43 pm

I don’t believe in withholding sex if sex is what both parties genuinely want at that time. It has utterly no effect on the relationship whether you do or don’t. Being genuine about what you want or don’t want has a whole lot of bearing on the relationship though.

And if you train a man to have to chase you, what do you then have? A man who likes the chase. And when he stops chasing you…?

I personally would never marry a man I hadn’t um, “tested” all aspects of the relationship with first. I don’t like surprises. lol My husband and I have been together for nearly 18 years now and we respect each other and are more in love now than when we were newlyweds.

I think Eric’s advice is right on target. :)

Reply

M July 12, 2013, 11:15 pm

These comments and this advice are just tragic! I’m all for accepting people for who they are but its a big problem when the advice being given is to compromise all that you may want in the long run because you are happy right now. As a female it is important to realize a female can think she’s happy in an abusive relationship as long as she THINKS she’s in love. But you should never settle on the bigger things you want in life i.e. I don’t want to get married, I do want to get married. Now obviously, I think a year’s time is still very early for some to be considering moving in because it’s often a stepping stone to marriage. But this man said he doesn’t want to be married and he doesn’t want to even live with the girl he’s “committed” too. This guy sounds like he just wants a surefire girl but still have the ability to have the life of a complete bachelor, and all this poor girl has done is COMPROMISE COMPROMISE COMPROMISE???

And YOU’RE TELLING HER to continuing compromising if she is “happy” with her relationship? How is she truly happy when she is compromising so much of herself and what she wants. What’s even more disgusting is that you state a woman who dreams of marriage or sharing an apartment with her bf is living in a fantasy world BUT a man isn’t living in and constantly promoting his fantasy world to say never marry, have every woman feel comfortable with that, and live as a bachelor until he dies??
And yet he isn’t expected to compromise one bit, it’s all about the woman compromising to match his needs if she’s “happy!?”

What’s sad is all the girls eating this up, hastily agreeing that they are indeed living in a “fantasy” world and that their dreams are “fantasies,” not recognizing the pattern that girls with this willingness to compromise (thinking waiting through patience will change a man) only leaves those ladies’ disappointed.

How many times have we all heard, I wasted 10 years of my life with a man that I thought would commit, that I thought would want to marry me, that I thought I would have a family with but he never changed, blah blah blah.

I’m very disappointed in this article because it promotes some subservient mentality. Although, I think women can rush into thinking about marriage, since when should a woman compromise her future hopes for someone who doesn’t share or even care to be open minded about aligning their future hopes with hers?

Soon getting married to a man will become a rare occurrence because women are just settling and bending over backwards for selfish partners–leaving them to live perfectly in their “fantasy world.”

Reply

Chava August 21, 2013, 12:06 pm

Agree 100%! The guy is the one living in the fantasy world – why should her only option be to lie back and put up with it? This guy’s not mature enough for a relationship.

Reply

Trays April 2, 2013, 6:07 am

I have just told my boyfriend of 10 months that I do not want to live with him. We had planned to move in together next month but after having a “test” week living together I discovered some things that worried me like that fact he expects me to do all of the cooking and that he is unbelievably moody which causes me to feel like I am treading on egg shells at times. I did tell him what my worries were but he says I am just complaining. I still love him but I suddenly felt trapped and I panicked. He was not happy and I have not heard from him in 2 days despite me telling him I still love him. I’m in a horrible limbo right now. Will I ever be ready to accept these traits? Should I just break up with him? I’m really confused and upset :-(

Reply

NG December 13, 2012, 5:46 am

I cannot believe I am saying this, but as I see it now you might have saved my life with this article…

I had a similar thing going on: we have a long distance relationship, I’ve ALWAYS dreamt of living together ( emphasis on I) and actually how I see it: start with my life… built things together and seperatly. I started seeing as if I was stuck with him on the other side of the country, like I cannot built something myself. Almost as if we are stuck somehow.

He actually asked me: “so when will you be moving in?” a few months ago; waaay to early, we have only been together for four months today. But I loved the idea so I started dreaming thinking that maybe after six months we could do that. So I asked him a few days ago when he would want that… and his reply was: “I don’t know” and a long talk about why he doesn’t know yet followed. Also: I shouldn’t take it personally and I shouldn’t feel strongly about what he said). Obviously me being a woman: I have been freaking out about it ever since (mostly without him knowing, he might guess that I am a little upset though). But this article put the light inside me back on…

Truth is: I can live with how everything is between us right now (distance is annoying but okay it is what it is).

I do find it annoying that I might lose my job when we would start living together, I’ve also been working here for four months, which is two weeks before we started our relationship. But the main reason why I wanted to move there besides the frustrating distance between us is actually: I dislike my house right now. And I kind of didn’t know what to do (before I met him I was going to buy a house, but when we started the relationship I didn’t know if that was a good idea with him being so far away) so anyhow: thanks to this article I now realise: just (try to) buy a house :)

Happier woman, happier relationship and whatever happens in the future: we can figure things out when they occur.

I’m sure that I will have to come back and remind me of this article once and a while, actually going to read it one more time right now, but thanks! Girls can really get CRAZY sometimes :s and I hate being that.

Love,

NG

Reply

la-mitrailleuse August 28, 2012, 9:49 am

Hi Lofty,

I am in the same situation now. We are dating since 4 years. I am 26 years old now and he’s 25.

We had this discussion yesterday evening. He lives in a house with a friend and a 2nd friend is thinking about moving in.

then I asked him, hey what about moving in together? only the two of us?
He said, that he is not ready for this yet. He’s got enough time to be in such a serious relationship. 4 years, is this not serious yet?

And yes, I can understand that he’s not ready yet, but let’s be honest, I’m 26 now. If he moves in with me in two years, im gonna be 28. But I would like to marry and have children. Do i need to wait 5 or even more years for each step?

I honestly love him, but just as I don’t want to force him to do something he does not want, should I force myself to stay in a relationship that does not cover my expectation.

And isn’t it like lying, when you only enjoy the moment, because a relationship is not only about the moment, it is about building a common future.

Reply

Anon July 18, 2012, 8:13 pm

Umm, this is horrible advice. Dump! A man who is this much of a loner does not possess the skills to develop the intimacy that a long-term relationship requires. There is no future with him, period.

Reply

Ashlee May 5, 2012, 6:58 pm

Eric – Thank you so much for the advice. It’s exactly what I needed to hear. I just hope that I haven’t ruined my relationship at this point.

Reply

Mallory July 12, 2013, 10:39 pm

This advice and any woman that takes it (usually love it Eric) are blind! Sure, if you don’t want to live with your man–as I do not have a desire to do til marriage–then great you two have something in common but it is clear that this girl wants a future that has the possibility of sharing that level of intimacy with one another. This guy doesn’t want to get married fine, but he doesn’t want to live together? This guy just isn’t into relationships, he’s into himself and having his cake and eating it too! Sounds like the perfect formula for him having a potential escape if he feels too confined and still wants to cling onto the freedom of a COMPLETE bachelor.

Ladies don’t stick with men that don’t want you want. Why give up a part of you that you desire when they aren’t willing to make compromises for you that make you happy? Why because you’re afraid of being lonely!?
You’ll always end up alone when you have that needy mentality.
Don’t aim to please people who don’t aim to try to please you but rather please them self.

Reply

Lofty August 25, 2011, 10:57 am

Erm, what about a 5 year long relationship. My boyfriend and I were together 5 years and I gently menioned within the 1st year that I’d like us to rent somewhere (we both lived with our respective parents). He kindly, but firmly said that 1 year was not long enough to be thinking about moving in. Which I graciously accepted as I was so happy to have found a man who I loved and respected and who loved and respected me equally. We had an amazing relationship in which I grew and learned so much from him and he from me. BUT – at year 5 I was done with waiting. I couldn’t see it going anywhere. I kick myself now as I keep thinking if I had given it another year, or two then some progression would have occurred. I miss him awfully and feel I’ve been a heavy-handed, controlling relationship recker by trying to ‘force’ him to see that moving in together is not such a bad thing. Anyway, he has left me. Totally chomped me out of his life and I’m only just beginning to pick up the pieces.

The original post describes EXACTLY how I felt for the first 4 years. Just be patient. Enjoy each day of our wonderful relationship as it is. Don’t pressure him and it will happen in it’s own sweet time. But then I turned forceful and forced him away. Have I really been that bad. Is 5 years long enough? We are both 30 years old

Reply

justme July 20, 2011, 10:06 am

you need to be the one to contact him, Emma. you told him you didn’t want to see him. you must express that you were unreasonable and wrong. if he asked for space, them you should wait for him. are you okay with just enjoying eachother and seeing where it goes

Reply

justme July 20, 2011, 9:52 am

Emma, I think you were just getting to know him. no one knows if they have found the one within 2 months. if they know, its usually only in retrospect.

Reply

emma July 20, 2011, 9:57 am

that’s what i came to conclude after i thought about it.but i really liked him.and now i m wondering what is the best to do….wait for him to call again or should i ?or are you saying to give him time to think and come to me?

Reply

M July 12, 2013, 10:45 pm

Oh god…the advice here is tragic. If a man says he doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship he MEANS it and no matter how long you wait that won’t change UNLESS HE WANTS it to change. That’s an internal decision that he has to make for himself; you sticking around hoping that being patient will pay off for you does nothing but only make you bend over to someone who doesn’t want what you want. Why should he even consider thinking about being “opened” to the idea of a committed relationship when you are willingly casting your want aside for his. Hell it would be pretty hard for me to be “open minded” to someone else’s needs if they are ignoring their own and placing priority on mine. I doubt, at that point, I’d even realize they had needs because mine are so easily fulfilled and I’M HAPPY.

Hopefully you came to your senses and figured this out. A lot of women have this delusional thought that if they do this and do that for a guy he’ll do for them but that’s not how it works. You can’t manipulate people that way, people, especially men change when they feel ready. When they’ve searched themselves and realized that their perceptions on things are changing. You have little, if none at all to influencing a guy to change.

Reply

emma July 20, 2011, 9:44 am

hey Eric,
i’ve been dating a guy for 2 months.and i jumped up to the where is this going pretty soon and told him i dont want to see him again because he said he couldnt have a serious relationship right now because he has to worry about his future.i got worried about his intentions when he started calling every day but never asked me out.we both are medecine students,only he is ahead of me by 5 years,so i know he is very busy.he made it clear he isnt seeing anyone else and said you are free to do so because he cant give me what i really want in a relationship….but that he liked me a lot and would want to keep it that way.he assumed a lot of things about me because i felt unsafe and now that i had the time to think about it i know i ve been very needy though i didnt mean it because deep down i wanted to take things slowly.he didnt call back after the huge fight we had…it’s been 2 weeks.
i m going out with other guys but all i can think about is him.and wondering if i made mistakes scaring him away.after all,i am not ready for a serious relationship myself.i m not even sure i know him that well.but i would love to keep seeing him every once in a while.should i expect him calling anytime soon so i give this a chance?or should i initiate a contact?or simply should i forget about it since if he cared enough he would have called again?is it possible to make it work again or have i blown my chances by scaring him away?and what is the best way to do so?

Reply

ALLEN July 20, 2011, 2:28 pm

What is a “medecine” student?

What? You found a man who is truthful? Thank God!

I suspect as you proceed through med school you will understand his unwillingness to commit at this time.

Chill out. If you really like him, “like” is so much more honest than “love,” keep in his life and when you are both ready, look at the “serious” relationship. I suspect, however that you and he will change over the long term, drift apart and eventually be happily married — just not to each other.

ciao

Allen

Reply

emma July 21, 2011, 7:52 am

wouldnt keeping me in his life aggreement make me the kind of girl that is good…until he finds better??

Reply

ALLEN July 8, 2011, 1:22 pm

For some portion of our lives most men are horny, non-commital rats whose main function is to try to get laid. It’s not good, it’s not bad, it just is.

Why people don’t speak their minds is beyond me. If you want a marriage, make it clear BEFORE you date that your intent is to find a man worth marrying. This will chase away most of the players.

Assume those who agree to your premise are liars until proven otherwise.

Of the ones who are left, date and compare their “lines” of bullshit. After you hear enough of it you will start to find that discernment is a learned process.

Key Questions to ask a man:

1. What’s your mom like? If he had a contentious relationship, run away!
2. Were you ever sexually abused? If so, have your issues been resolved? If he was abused and has not addressed the issues in counseling, run away! Trying to have a loving relationship with a victim of sexual abuse wih unresolved issues is torturous and you may lose yourself in the process.
3. What do you do for a living? Unless he is employed in some honorable work, run away!
4. What are your drugs of preference? If he answers with anything except. “I don’t do drugs.” run away!
5. Last, if you need to have sex with one of these bozos, go for it, but remember that sex is dangerous (Lots of crazies) and might change everything. Have no expectations from sex. If it brings you closer and bonds you, great. If not, no great loss. If it makes him controlling, RUN!

It’s a tough search.

Good Luck,

Allen

Reply

Anonymous girl February 10, 2013, 12:25 am

Allan, you forgot the most important — ‘Can you cook?’

Reply

Anonymous girl February 10, 2013, 12:27 am

I do NOT agree with the drugs part. My fiancee was into drugs before we me and smoked pot while we were together; he is now getting treatment for depression and other issues, and I have supported him throughout the relationship. People will use recreational drugs too, on social occasions or at home.

Reply

Mallory July 12, 2013, 10:53 pm

Wait? You don’t agree with the drugs part and your guy is currently in a rehab facility for depression ummm yeah this only furthers Allan’s point. Obviously if you got with your bf before knowing of all of his problems and you love him of course you should stay and be supportive–although I can tell you I played that role with an ex of mine and he would have his ups and downs. Eventually, I had to leave because he was NEVER going to change because I was there…I certainly helped him see he needed to make a change but ultimately he couldn’t make that decision until he committed it in his heart. Girls always think they can change someone by playing the supportive role; support is great, but you can’t make anyone do anything. Your influence is pea size in comparison to their own nagging need to want to change.

Allan’s advice is great advice; if you meet a guy and that’s one of his traits RUN…getting trapped in drugs shows you that a guy is a bad decision maker, that probably has a lot of emotional demons. Who runs to that? Who falls into that relationship willing?

Reply

melisa July 3, 2011, 9:52 pm

I been talking to this guy For about 6 months it all started great we would hang out alot i thought he was the right one but as we started to get to get to know each other more and he told me he didnt want anything serious at the momment so i said ok its to soon we had a little fight were it all went down hill from there he would hardly txt me until i decide to give up on him!!!a month later the fair came and i would see him there but i would act like if i didnt even know him i would catch him starting but i still wouldnt say Hi that same week he finally txted me saying he though he had seen me at the fair so i ask myself why does he still txt me— he must care so that same weekend i txt him and he calls me and says he wants to hang out so i burn on my friends to hang out with him after a long month without seen him i started getting feelings back he was been super nice ! i would call him up everytime i had a chance he would come over and hang out until this day is the same thing but now is a little different one of his friends know about me and my friend talks to his best friend so we all have hang out twice now ,,My question is is he ever going to get serious or im i just going to be a booty call……

Reply

booty call March 11, 2012, 8:55 pm

You’re going to be a booty call. this is what happens when you have sex with a guy beforehand. Why should he want a relationship with you when he’s already had you?

Reply

Stephanie July 12, 2013, 10:59 pm

You never ditch your plans for a guy–to blow off all you had planned for a guy who has yet to prove he is significant in your life reeks of desperation and neediness…trust me he’ll smell it and won’t stay for long. You have to develop a life outside of your identity with a guy; in fact, don’t build your identity around a guy. Of course you may like him, and of course it’s exciting to hang out with someone you like but your friends will always be there for you when this guy goes through inconsistencies and flakiness, so why disrespect them like that?

You want someone to see you more than a bootycall? Then don’t attribute the same characteristics of a bootycall to yourself, meaning don’t make yourself ALWAYS soo easily available (this isn’t playing hard to get), don’t make your life about him and ONLY him, and don’t have a needy mentality.

Reply

stacy July 3, 2011, 9:51 pm

how do i know he wants something serious

Reply

Lynn July 2, 2011, 6:06 pm

I completely agree with you about living a fun and full life and allowing your relationships to be a place of shared happiness. It took me decades to get out of relationship “fantasy land” and to let go of my expectations about what should come next and how it should look and feel. And it was my most difficult relationships that helped me grow and let go of the expectations that weren’t vital to my happiness. Great advice Eric!

Reply

Asim July 1, 2011, 5:00 pm

Great advice, Eric – in fact, this is excellent advice for any girl in a relationship, especially a long-term one. I was definitely one of those people who had/got an idea that I took to ‘fantasy-land’ of how my relationship should be, and ultimately, it led to my great long-term relationship’s demise. After heart-wrenching heartbreak and lots of time to think, I figured out what I really NEED and also came to the realization that I still loved him and I had to accept him for the person that he is, not my idealized version of him. And as fate would have it…we are now back together. So to the writer of this question, I’d tell her to heed your advice and really think about what she NEEDs and what she can live without.

Reply

Eric Charles July 1, 2011, 6:58 pm

First, thank you. I always appreciate hearing that. :)
.
Glad to hear that your story has a happy ending. One of the best parts of a relationship is how we grow from the hard parts – it can be upsetting, uncomfortable and make you crazy, but even the tough parts of relationship have their value.

Reply

JustMe July 1, 2011, 12:53 pm

Eric gave excellent advice. Something else to consider is that a year-old relationship is still very young. Some folks also see “moving in together” as a stepping stone to marriage and others do not. I don’t think your guy necessarily does NOT want to get married at some point. I think that he just doesn’t see living together as a “step” in that. Right now, living together for him means being roommates. There could be a time when he decides that he would like to marry you. It hasn’t happened yet. It doesn’t mean you are a bad person or that you are not the “one” for him. It just means that at this point in time in his life and in this new stage of your relationship he is not ready to walk down the aisle.

Reply

Eric Charles July 1, 2011, 4:07 pm

Agreed.

Reply

Asim July 1, 2011, 5:02 pm

I agree, a year-old relationship is still young and has lots of room to grow

Reply

Jay July 12, 2013, 11:01 pm

He said he didn’t want to get MARRIED >.>

Reply

Mallory July 12, 2013, 10:38 pm

GOD I AM GLAD someone said it! This advice and any woman that takes it (usually love it Eric) are blind! Sure, if you don’t want to live with your man–as I do not have a desire to do til marriage–then great you two have something in common but it is clear that this girl wants a future that has the possibility of sharing that level of intimacy with one another. This guy doesn’t want to get married fine, but he doesn’t want to live together? This guy just isn’t into relationships, he’s into himself and having his cake and eating it too! Sounds like the perfect formula for him having a potential escape if he feels too confined and still wants to cling onto the freedom of a COMPLETE bachelor.

Ladies don’t stick with men that don’t want you want. Why give up a part of you that you desire when they aren’t willing to make compromises for you that make you happy? Don’t aim to please people who don’t aim to try to please you but rather please them self.

Reply

Leave a Comment