Ask a Guy: My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want To Live Together post image

Ask a Guy: My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want To Live Together


I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and eight months.  I knew he never wanted to get married but assumed we would eventually live together.

He now tells me that he doesn’t want to live together. He likes living alone.

I am so heartbroken. It feels like I don’t have a future together. He seems to put himself and friends first before me. He tells me he loves me always and forever. I am confused. Do I stay with the man I love more than anything in this world?  What do I do if my boyfriend doesn’t want to move-in together?

Relationships don’t always make us happy. But relationships are guaranteed to make one or both people grow… maybe not immediately in the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship, but sooner or later a relationship will force us to face things we would rather not face.

This may sound like a downer statement, but it really isn’t. It’s a great part of relationships – it’s the part that makes us grow as people.

You figured that you would eventually move in together. He’s saying that he likes living alone.

Regardless of what vision you had in your head of how you think things should be or could be eventually, he’s not looking for that to be the reality right now.

In fact, he’d probably currently look at living together as something that would trap him and confine him.

Now at this point, it would be really easy for a girl to get really upset and think there’s no future. Well the truth is that she’d be right to think there’s no future… because there never really is any future to begin with.

What I mean is… the “future” is just an idea or image we have in our head about how things should be or how we want things to be or how we expect things to be.

But if that future doesn’t match reality… we get upset. When you really think about it, that’s silly. It’s just an imaginary story in your head… nobody truly ever knows what the future holds for them or their relationship.

I can tell you this though… if you like the relationship as it is right now… if you love him as your man right now… if you can live with the relationship exactly as it is right now… then be happy and don’t mess with it.

It’s funny, but a lot of the time relationship conflicts happen because one person has an idea or vision in their head and their partner has no idea of what the other one’s “image” of the relationship is. And instead of giving each other trust and space, the one with the “image” or “vision” of how the relationship “should” be just starts freaking out and attacking their partner for not “getting it”. (By “getting it” I mean the partner not participating in the fantasy that the other one has in his/her mind for the relationship.)

Don’t get caught up in fantasy land. See things exactly as they are at this exact moment and don’t make it into a problem for yourself.

This is a huge reason why I’m always encouraging the readers here to have fun and fulfillment in their life outside of their relationship – the biggest reason is that when we have idea time to think about our relationship, it can be easy to go into “fantasy” land about the relationship and create conflict and problems in our mind where there is none.

Give him space to be where he’s at. If you love him, accept him exactly as he is now and don’t “need” him to be or act differently. And if you can’t accept him and you absolutely must have him be different than he is now, then let him know what you need and if he can’t give it to you… break up.

But don’t confuse what I’m saying here. I’m not talking about something you really want. I’m not talking about something that you think is worth coercing him for.

I’m talking about something that you NEED and couldn’t live without in the relationship. You know that you NEED something in your relationship if breaking up seems better than continuing a relationship where your need isn’t met.

I could be wrong, but I have the impression that you’re not at that point yet. And when it comes to a relationship, you need to accept all of the person – you can’t pick and choose what parts of him you want to accept and which you don’t. If he’s not ready to live with you now, then that’s really where he’s at.

The best thing you can do is love him exactly as he is and give him every reason to be inspired to love you more deeply too. Bring the best parts of you to the relationship always – make your relationship the place where you celebrate what it is to be happy in your life and share your best moods, your best inspiration and your best appreciation for him.

It’s a sad thing, but I’ve met all sorts of women who think their relationship should be “better” somehow and their approach to improve the relationship is to constantly nag her boyfriend, argue/blame/attack him for things or sulk around being depressed that her relationship is isn’t “better”.

Amazingly, these girls always get dumped shortly after acting like this… hmmmm…

So that’s why I’m saying that your best bet is to go in the directions of deeper love and appreciation for him, versus trying to find some way to manipulate him to change or something like that.

Hope it helps,

eric charles

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The Truth

At first I thought this was satire, but once I realized it isn’t I was compelled to comment. Men and women alike deserve the respect of honesty and sharing goals in a relationship. It’s a cop out to say that she is somehow to blame for his inability to have a life goal. Yes, he’s immature. Yes, he’s the type that will bad mouth her the moment she walks away. Yes, he’s one of the guys who will never “get-it”. He’s probably the kind that is always jealous of others and thinks other’s are “lucky”. There is no “lucky” in life; just well thought out executed plans coming to fruition. This lady should walk and walk immediately. I promise he will fill her void with another woman who he will lie to and lead on. This will continue until he is a pitiful old man dying alone.

Reply October 18, 2014, 2:08 pm

Eric Charles

Nobody “deserves” anything… thinking you deserve something (good or bad) is just not a helpful way to think.
We make choices of who we want in our lives and what types of relationships we want to participate in. She doesn’t owe the guy anything and he doesn’t owe her anything… thinking like that leads to resentment with no upside.
It’s just an irresponsible, destructive and combative perspective to hold.
Beyond that, it’s dis-empowering. If you have the idea that the guy owes you something, then you feel justified to blame him… attack him… coerce him… instead of just WAKING UP and saying, “Hmm… I’m choosing this every day… this is the relationship that I’m participating in… is this what I really want?”
When I say don’t blame the guy, that doesn’t mean that I’m putting any blame on the woman. Instead, I’m choosing to direct her focus to her own power and choice… which is constructive… instead of directing it to an unhelpful place.
Do you honestly think that any woman is going to listen to you if your advice is, “He’s doing something you don’t like? Then dump him! He sucks!” Women in this position aren’t looking for that kind of feedback — that want insight and clarity into how to proceed and sort out their emotions… not for some outsider to place blame, attack and generalize their lover as a piece of crap…
If you want to be helpful, show someone where they have power…
They have power in recognizing where they have choice… that is why I directed the conversation there.
I never said the woman is to blame. I never said the guy is “right” and she’s “wrong”. I never said she couldn’t talk to him about it. I never said the best move wouldn’t be to leave.
I simply said: Ask yourself honestly if this is the relationship you want… ask yourself if you feel you can get what you feel you need from the relationship you choose… and then either give him some space and time (not forever) or leave. I don’t believe that’s in conflict with what you would advise either, but it’s said in a way that isn’t going to stir up resentment or meet resistance…
Hope that makes sense.

Reply October 18, 2014, 3:51 pm

Annoyed

I like how you entirely disregarded the statement she made, “He seems to put himself and friends first before me…’.

While all advice may be sound for a typical -healthy- situation, ignoring this & sending her tug boating behind a potential selfish (won’t grow up any time soon man child) seems unfair, and heavily misguided. On the flip side, if he has no intention of moving in with YOU, you are not likely to change his mind without reducing yourself into a nag, which makes us a look bad hunty ????. I know this is an old post, but with such a long, well thought out article…I was simply surprised this was left out entirely.

Reply October 6, 2014, 1:23 pm

Eric Charles

Oh, you like it? That’s weird… it seems like the rest of your comment seems that you DIDN’T like it! (See what I did there?) :)

If she’s not getting what she wants, her best choice is to leave…

… BUT that’s for her to see after she is honest with herself and looking into her feelings. It is much more powerful for someone to come to that conclusion themselves than for me to take the route of saying, “If he’s not giving you what you want, leave!”

I don’t write answers to say what you want them to say… I write them to help the questioner get out of the painful place they are right now and to a place where they can clearly look at their situation and come to these conclusions themselves… they will be able to make a much better decision when they arrive at that conclusion themselves versus having me tell them to stay or leave.

Reply October 18, 2014, 3:55 pm

Patty

I totally disagree. It sounds like the nan gets his freedom and the girl looses her man because he is selfish. One way or highway . America and relationships are made of the visions we have in our head. Relationships have turned into email and text messages. What is this world coming to?

Reply September 25, 2014, 9:50 pm

Eric Charles

No – America has nothing to do with visions or their relationship.

If I was making a TV commercial, I would say something like, “America is all about visions.” Thing is, I’m not writing empty buzz phrases.

The man isn’t “getting freedom” and the girl isn’t losing anything. It’s two people participating in a relationship. If it’s not what she wants… she can stop participating (and would do well to)!

People break up all the time… it’s fine… and she’d be much better off leaving than her trying to pull one way and him pull the other.

Either she’s happy now and she wants to give him space (not forever, but for however long she thinks is appropriate)… or she doesn’t and she leaves. Either way, it’s her decision to make.

My role isn’t to tell people what they should do. My role is to help people get in touch with their ability to make a clear, quality decision on their own… and know it was a good choice. I’m not arrogant enough to think I can do that for her and I would hope none of the commenters here are either…

Reply October 18, 2014, 4:00 pm

Jay

Just to be clear…

I AM a woman.

Reply August 30, 2014, 2:16 am

Jay

ERIC….. YOU ROCK!!!! I appreciate you laying it out clear as day, with no fluff. And still, ladies who function in life mainly from purely emotion and not enough grounded logic, still don’t get it. This is a woman speaking here, not a guy. It is so funny, in a horrible way, how women can get away with bashing men when all they do (in this situation) is be straight up and honest from day one. He had the integrity to share with her that his ideal of long term relationship means LAT coupling: Living Apart Together. NO, this does not mean he wants to have his cake and eat it too. It may just mean that he wants to have time to himself to rejuvenate, contemplate, advance in his own person goals, etc, and then be able to be fully present with his partner when they are together. She chose to ignore everything he had been saying the whole time. And now he is an immature guy not ready for a “real relationship? Whatever!!! Men get in trouble for lying and equally get in trouble for telling the truth. In what tone did she need him to speak in so she could clearly hear what he was trying to say to her??? He said it clear as day. When ladies assume he wants to have time to be some free wheelin bachelor, she is only showing just how insecure she actually is and what wonderful fun she would actually be to live with one day. Nag Nag Nag!!! NO THANKS!! Partnership is what I want. I know that my partner and I do not have to live together. I have things to do, goals to accomplish, and space for self exploring to do. I don’t need the traditional model just because that is the “mature thing to do” Since when? So just falling ass backwards into the status quo, with no conscious thought, consideration, or critical evaluation suddenly means mature? Yes, I sound business like. That is what relationships are after you reach a certain place; a business merge. Do you work well together? Do you share the same types of dreams? Can you build, in whatever way that means for you, together? Is it profitable to merge long term? The fluffy heart pumping, love sick feelings quickly become something you have to work to maintain. The more men stand up and speak up, in spite of the over zealous, emotionally addicted female perspective, the more women who still are ruled by their emotional highs will have to maybe be challenged to add some sort of grounded logic to the picture. Whether you like it or not, you will have to do that anyway, in any relationship. I know I am being stereotypical but there is a line of truth to what I am saying. Most of the angry voices here, and on plenty of other similar websites, are women speaking only from unbalanced emotion and yes, fantasy.

Reply August 30, 2014, 2:07 am

aGirl

I disagree with a lot of the posts here. I actually think that, overall, your opinion and advice is good. I still don’t understand why people have the need to fight over their whose point of view is right when the idea of these forums is to help each other… Anyway, I’m in a similar situation and that’s what brought me here, I’ve been dating my bf for a year and I guess I have been creating myself a “fantasy future” like the one you described… I realised on my own that this fantasy was making me miserable because I was constantly frustrated about a future that’s maybe too far away.
My bf hasn’t said a definite NO, but he’s not the type to plan to much ahead and whenever I bring up the subject he simply says we’re not ready (I know he’s probably right). We’re young and to be honest, one year isn’t that much… But I enjoy making plans for the future and I would like for him to be a part of them.
I agree that women shouldn’t be with someone if they’re expecting them to change things about themselves, but I don’t think that just “settling” or adjusting to what the guy wants is right either. I just think there should be a middle ground so when the relationship is mature enough, both sides can cave a bit and adjust to the other person’s wants (or needs).
I truly love my boyfriend and I think we have something good going on. I don’t want us getting ahead of ourselves to ruin the relationship, so I just have one question… How do you recommend I get over the whole “fantasy future” thing? I’m happy with the way things are right now and I just want to let the relationship run it’s course… But I guess sometimes it gets harder to be patient.
Either way I found the article really helpful and it’s always nice to know I’m not alone!

Reply June 17, 2014, 1:47 am

mm

I agree with the fact that both should be on the same page…actually anybody in any kind of relationship – either personal or professional should be in the same page to make ‘things’ work to the satisfaction of both sides.
It is the choice of every person to make the one…
YET not all people are always mature or experienced enough at that time to be able to make the right choice for themselves…especially, as in this case, if intimate emotions are involved.
It is clear that he does not want what he had initially committed to – probably because he does not love her enough (respect) or he already has got everything he wants from her – or both.
If he really loves her – and if she wants to find out – then she should take a break – a complete blackout towards him. She MUST, however really WANT and BE READY to do this – be ready to pull it off with conviction of knowing that she does not want that kind of relationship he is “prepared to give”.
In other words: that she actually recognises that he IS already happy and why…
Maybe then she will decide for herself…. as painful as it may be.
Nobody ever said that relationship-pain is easy! Nevertheless, it is helluva gratifying once one feels self control.

Good Luck to one woman,
from just another woman ;-)

Life has to be lived …every day many new decisions and choices. We learn as we go along – doing what our feelings tell us to do then execute them with our head.

Reply June 15, 2014, 3:46 pm

Amber

Thank you so much for this advice. It makes so much sense. I found out in discussing this subject about living together that my boyfriend (who’s 63 and I’m 56) said he does not want us to live together. We met in 1996 and dated until 2000. Got back together in 2003 and it lasted until 2008. Got back together again recently in 2013 and things are wonderful. We’re a little older and wiser. He stated at this age he’s set in his way and enjoys his space and I can really see that that is true on my part too. We love the time we spend together and I do sleep over while visiting…and somehow…it’s very fulfilling just the way it is. I love him tremendously and know he feels the same way about me. I don’t want or see myself with anyone else and truly enjoy my freedom. We’re both very content with this decision we agreed upon from our discussion.

Reply January 12, 2014, 11:10 pm

Angel

This is one of the most intelligent replies I’ve ever seen published on any subject. Thanks for the great insight. Really helped my mentality on this subject!

Reply November 16, 2013, 12:36 pm

Susan

If she really wants to get married and her boyfriend never wants to compromise then it’s not good advise to tell her to keep wasting her time with a man who doesn’t want what she does. Maybe if she left him he would realize what he was losing and change his mind. If not, then she is better off free to find someone who wants the same as her. Otherwise, if she’s really unhappy with it but isn’t sure if she wants to leave him, tell him she wants an open relationship because she would like to get married and tell him that for now she wants to date other men as well, to see if she can meet someone more compatible. Why not rock the boat? Her boyfriend may never have considered he could lose her. He’s used to her being a doormat.

Reply October 4, 2013, 6:15 pm

Julia

Ladies, men aren’t that complicated. It’s us that make it complicated. Simply put, her boyfriend told her from the get go that he didn’t want to get married. She proceeded anyway and that told him that she was cool with the situation because he’s laid out his cards from the jump and she is still hanging around.

What is it that she doesn’t understand? Ladies, when men give you info like this, if you don’t like it, move on. Why proceed hoping he will change, and then when he doesn’t, it’s a big deal?

She should be the one choosing who is right for her. Not waiting around for this guy to suddenly see she’s the best thing since peanut butter, because guess what..he won’t. She showed by her actions that she was ok with the scenario, so in his mind, it’s status quo. Ladies, be the prize. If you don’t like something and it doesn’t fit with what you are envisioning for YOUR life, walk away.

Remember, look at people for who they are right now….not who you want them to be.

Reply August 24, 2013, 9:25 pm

Jodie

I see both sides of peoples perception of this article. In all honesty though, 2 separate times in my life : I have lived with a boyfriend and it didn’t work out and before that I have been married and lived with my ex husband. Both times it didn’t work out despite both of us wanting to do so at the time. My whole point being that just because you have this thought in your head it’s going to work out because you live together, won’t make it so!

I come from the perspective, having “been there, done that”, so why “rock the boat” if you are happy? Not all HAPPY couples live together. There are plenty of miserable couples who just “put up with” living and being with someone out of convenience or any other number of reasons and certainly not love. Not saying that’s always the case, but I know I’ve heard about that happening to others on more than one occasion.

One final thought I have on the matter is that if they are both happy with the relationship and you TRULY love the person, what’s so bad about a little compromise? If you TRULY don’t want to live apart from the one you love and you can’t “see yourself” living without him and you DON’T want to compromise, you can always leave and find a guy that does want what you want, right??

Reply August 24, 2013, 3:38 pm

Mary

I can totally relate to the boyfriend in this scenario – the roles seem to be reversed in my 5-month relationship. My guy wants me to move in, wants us to eventually get married, and I’m still wanting my space, my independence, and time for us to get to know one another better. We love each other but we’re not perfect – we have a few potentially deal-breaker issues that we may or may not be able to work past, so I’m not interested in uprooting my life right now, only to uproot it again shortly afterwards if things don’t work out. Why can’t we just take it slow? Date and see each other on the weekends and get to know each other better that way? Why do we have to “nail it down”? We’re not going to be having kids, so there’s no rush in that regard….

Reply August 24, 2013, 3:27 pm

Erin

I know a lot of these comments are harping on the fact that it’s not “fair” for the girl to always have to wait or compromise but maybe if they put themselves in their boyfriend’s shoes they would realize that you’re giving extremely sound advice. I have been in this exact situation and I’m glad that my boyfriend didn’t want to move in with me. It gave me time to evaluate the situation and realize that I like living by myself, too. If it had been the reverse and he was asking me to move in (and then getting upset with me when I said no) it would’ve made me question whether I wanted to stay with him at all because he wasn’t respecting my wishes. You need respect and a clear perception of the situation to make it work. I think you’re response is completely right.

Reply August 24, 2013, 2:55 pm

Chava

This advice is totally wrong. Why does the guy get everything he wants (living alone like a hip, swingin’ bachelor AND having a girlfriend) and the woman just has to deal with it? Absolutely unfair. My advice? Dump the selfish schmuck and find a more mature guy who is ready for a relationship.

Reply August 21, 2013, 12:01 pm

Eric Charles

Great advice…

When you don’t like what’s happening, blame the guy and then dump the guy. Hard to believe you’re not a millionaire dating guru by now…

Reply August 22, 2013, 3:22 pm

Chava

Thanks for the snark. How is blaming the girl any better, though? Why does wanting to take her relationship to the next level and move in with her boyfriend mean she’s living in a fantasy world? Why should she just have to shut up and deal with what makes HIM happy, when she’s pretty clearly unhappy with it? Seems like a big double standard.

Reply August 22, 2013, 3:42 pm

Eric Charles

Well this time around you stated your question without bite, so I’ll do the same… believe me, I’ve always been here to help… I only get “snarky” if someone comes at me swinging a metaphorical machete.

So we’re good, let’s be constructive from here… I do appreciate your questions, I think they’re good questions to address…

I don’t blame the girl – frankly, our society is obsessed with blaming and it doesn’t get anyone anywhere. There’s no place for blaming in relationship – in relationship, the two people need to be on the same side, always… being each other’s best supporter and “cheerleader” even.

So I don’t blame the girl, but I don’t blame the guy either.

In that regard, there’s no “double standard” – think about it… if two people are on the same side, there’s no double standard where one side loses and the other wins. If you’re thinking in terms of double standards, you’re looking at this from a perspective that’s going to bite you.

A couple moving in together is a great thing… if both sides want it. I mean… think about that… is there any way where that simple statement couldn’t make sense? It’s cut and dry…

See society has this obsession with framing relationships like it’s a battle of the sexes – like it’s man versus woman… that’s the opposite of relationship.

Moreover, even so-called “relationship experts” create this image like the man is holding the “candy” and the woman is trying to get that candy from him (whether it’s a girlfriend title, moving in together, a ring, children, etc.”

If you view relationships like that, you’ll never have a good relationship – it’s not about getting the opposite side to submit and surrender to what you want. That’s the opposite of relationship.

Ultimately, relationships move forward when both people want the same thing – both people are on the same page and both people are happy.

That’s relationship – that’s partnership. That’s being on the same side.

And… it’s the ONLY way you can have a relationship that works. You either are on the same side, in loving partnership… or you’re tearing it apart. There’s no third option…

So when I say fantasy world, I mean no disrespect. What I’m saying is that if she wants something and he doesn’t, there’s something happening in the relationship that needs to be looked at and addressed. They need to get on the same page and on the same side.

Again (not to beat a dead horse) – relationships are not and will never be man vs. woman. They can’t be.

Yes, that’s what’s shown on TV and in movies. But it’s poison. To every poorly-conceived modern rom-com, I’ll point to the soaring national divorce rate: our culture is terrible at relationships and clueless at understanding them.

Men and women both seriously lack understanding of what attracts the opposite sex and what makes relationships work. I try my best to fight against this, but I can only do so much… I try though…

So to tie it up, it’s not about serving and catering to make him happy while he does whatever he wants… that’s just foolish. It’s about being on the same page, on the same side and supporting one another.

To be blunt: if the guy sucks, you don’t have to be with him. You CHOOSE to be. Nobody’s forcing you. He’s not holding the keys to your happiness – if you ever find yourself in the trap of believing he does, it’s just an illusion… I promise you.

Final note – I write intensely and directly (without sugarcoating), but I hope you know that I wrote this with respect for you and with the sincere hope that the response was helpful.

Reply August 24, 2013, 2:11 pm

Amie

Sometimes it is a deal breaker if your partner is not on the same page as you. We women often wait and wait for what we want. Sometimes being dedicated and committed to a man who doesn’t want to share his life with his partner is unequitable. Men who take a woman’s 20′s and 30′s when they know there partner wants a family one day are being incredibly selfish and the only honorable thing for a man to do is step aside. We do not have the same number of reproductive years men do. Don’t give more to a man than you can afford to loose. Your advice to this woman should be to move on with her life.

June 14, 2014, 8:34 pm

jenn

What’s the point of being in a relationship if my boyfriend never will want to live together? Why put effort into it if he wants to live separately? So I’m 40 and I could be wasting my time with him, right?

Reply August 20, 2013, 6:39 pm

Debra

This advice Eric is wrong. What is the problem in our society that all the cows are giving free milk, and the bulls are just lapping it up? Yikes! Ladies, if you keep giving them sex and your personal property that should only belong to your husband, what do you expect? Sex outside of marriage is the very cause of these types of problems. Remember the good old days when women where chaste and chased all that much more? These new philosophies promoting lasciviousness are ruining good relationships that could be and certainly do not promote the respect women should be having from men. Sounds like lots of dogs and cats to me!

Reply August 20, 2013, 4:33 pm

Eric Charles

As the dude said in The Big Lebowski, “That’s just… your opinion, man.”

And everything I write is my opinion.

However, it’s an undisputed fact that women aren’t cows and sex isn’t milk, so maybe instead of metaphors you just say exactly what you mean to say…

You believe something different than me. How’s it working out for you?

And no, I’m not asking if you LIKE what I’m saying. My question is… how successful are you in your dating life right now?

Reply August 22, 2013, 3:24 pm

Amie

You are a disgusting pig. Your advice couldn’t be more wrong and anyone who listens to you is setting themselves up for misery. Quality over quantity. No woman should feel she should give herself to a man who isn’t going to give himself fully to her. Your advice gives the man everything he wants and denies the woman who wrote to you for advice basic respect.

Reply June 14, 2014, 10:19 pm

Eric Charles

Lol, wow…

… wow, wow, wow…

Well, OK, since you’ve got it all figured out… what are you doing here?

Good luck!

Reply June 14, 2014, 10:32 pm

marion

Eric, I commend you on your perfect reply…. it shows culture and respect.
Thank You for that. :-)

August 30, 2014, 2:43 pm

Trish

People take what is freely given. If you give it and then resent it, who has the problem? I agree, no woman should feel she’s being coerced into giving up anything to be in a relationship , let alone her power. But it’s all about perspective and point of view. And calling someone names because they don’t have your same opinion is ignorant and bullying.

Reply June 14, 2014, 11:07 pm

CP

Amie, did you read the article? I did, and I did not see anywhere where he told her to wait for him to come around, and be miserable while doing it. He asked her if she was ok with how things were, and if she was, then keep doing what they’re doing if she’s happy. He also told her that if she’s not happy, then to move on. If this woman chooses to stick around, then that’s her choice. The guy was clear up front that he didn’t want to live together. She made the choice to pursue him anyway. Just because she wants to take things further, doesn’t mean he does or that he has to. He didn’t lead her on into thinking things would be different some day. I think the advice here is spot on. If you’re happy, keep doing what you’re doing…if you’re not, then move on. Seems like basic common sense to me.

Reply June 15, 2014, 12:04 pm

Jay

“You are a disgusting pig”

Please show us all even more much of a joy YOU would be to live with with that erratic emotional outburst,

“Quality over Quantity”
Is it possible that partners can experience even more quality when they have some alone time to regroup, self explore, and have focused time to achieve one’e own goals? Is it possible that “quantity” is the very thing you are fighting for and not realizing it? You want to know he can give you himself “fully”… translation: I need to see him every second of the day and make sure he is still into me. I cannot stand to be away from him for even a minute.

Reply August 30, 2014, 2:22 am

marion

WoW!!
“You are a disgusting pig”
THAT is already disgusting in itself!!
“…basic respect” is what is missing here too, I think…

The article: She purposely set herself up for, is exactly what he told her he could only give her…so?
Now she complains?
He told her, remember?
If she really does not cope with it, then she must get out. He was quite happy being with her – but not more than he could commit to.
He could have lied to her…but he didn’t. I admire him for telling her the truth. He obviously liked her enough to be honest with her – or just being honest is his thing.
;-)

Pigs are often seen as disgusting…but I see no pigs here!

Reply August 30, 2014, 2:36 pm

Jeannie

I don’t believe in withholding sex if sex is what both parties genuinely want at that time. It has utterly no effect on the relationship whether you do or don’t. Being genuine about what you want or don’t want has a whole lot of bearing on the relationship though.

And if you train a man to have to chase you, what do you then have? A man who likes the chase. And when he stops chasing you…?

I personally would never marry a man I hadn’t um, “tested” all aspects of the relationship with first. I don’t like surprises. lol My husband and I have been together for nearly 18 years now and we respect each other and are more in love now than when we were newlyweds.

I think Eric’s advice is right on target. :)

Reply August 24, 2013, 2:43 pm

melissa jayne

hi ok so i just wanted to tell you that your the one who is wrong actually!!
if you talk to your grandparents or even random people about being with one partner there whole
life ask them how happy they are… seriously there NOT!!
truth, ask them if they had a chance to do it all over again if they would choose to be where they are today!!!!
ive asked dozens of people all different age ranges and all with different circumstances
and the outcome was 99.9% of people said no they would of done alot differently with there
love life! good luck to you.

Reply August 26, 2014, 7:13 pm

M

These comments and this advice are just tragic! I’m all for accepting people for who they are but its a big problem when the advice being given is to compromise all that you may want in the long run because you are happy right now. As a female it is important to realize a female can think she’s happy in an abusive relationship as long as she THINKS she’s in love. But you should never settle on the bigger things you want in life i.e. I don’t want to get married, I do want to get married. Now obviously, I think a year’s time is still very early for some to be considering moving in because it’s often a stepping stone to marriage. But this man said he doesn’t want to be married and he doesn’t want to even live with the girl he’s “committed” too. This guy sounds like he just wants a surefire girl but still have the ability to have the life of a complete bachelor, and all this poor girl has done is COMPROMISE COMPROMISE COMPROMISE???

And YOU’RE TELLING HER to continuing compromising if she is “happy” with her relationship? How is she truly happy when she is compromising so much of herself and what she wants. What’s even more disgusting is that you state a woman who dreams of marriage or sharing an apartment with her bf is living in a fantasy world BUT a man isn’t living in and constantly promoting his fantasy world to say never marry, have every woman feel comfortable with that, and live as a bachelor until he dies??
And yet he isn’t expected to compromise one bit, it’s all about the woman compromising to match his needs if she’s “happy!?”

What’s sad is all the girls eating this up, hastily agreeing that they are indeed living in a “fantasy” world and that their dreams are “fantasies,” not recognizing the pattern that girls with this willingness to compromise (thinking waiting through patience will change a man) only leaves those ladies’ disappointed.

How many times have we all heard, I wasted 10 years of my life with a man that I thought would commit, that I thought would want to marry me, that I thought I would have a family with but he never changed, blah blah blah.

I’m very disappointed in this article because it promotes some subservient mentality. Although, I think women can rush into thinking about marriage, since when should a woman compromise her future hopes for someone who doesn’t share or even care to be open minded about aligning their future hopes with hers?

Soon getting married to a man will become a rare occurrence because women are just settling and bending over backwards for selfish partners–leaving them to live perfectly in their “fantasy world.”

Reply July 12, 2013, 11:15 pm

Chava

Agree 100%! The guy is the one living in the fantasy world – why should her only option be to lie back and put up with it? This guy’s not mature enough for a relationship.

Reply August 21, 2013, 12:06 pm

Jay

She has been giving herself that “only option” by denying what she wants. If she wants to settle down and live a status quo, traditional life, be upfront and honest about it jsut as he has been up front and honest about his ideals. Just because he doesn’t want the traditional relationship model doesn’t mean he is immature. You have just taken everything that Eric said and translated it into an over emotional, ego driven language. He never said anything that you are here accusing him of saying. YOU SAID ALL OF THAT because that is what you chose to hear. Just like the girl in the article CHOSE to ignore what her boyfriend already said from day one. This is not rocket science, everyone. Clear as day! Just stop seeing and hearing what you want to see and hear.

Reply August 30, 2014, 2:30 am

Jay

And yes… The same would be true for the guy who chooses to ignore what his partner is saying she wants or doesn’t want. Being on one page, being united means you are not opponents on opposite teams, even when you have to honestly admit that your future relationship goals do not match up. You can SKILLFULLY, COMPASSIONATELY, & HONESTLY be united in wishing each other well as each person moves on to seek out what they are truly looking for. Really in this article, both boyfriend and girlfriend are kind of in the wrong because for whatever reason, they are not listening to her. However, I do not read anything here about the boyfriend trying to somehow change her mind about how she sees the future. Seems like he is pretty content in what he has and how he is willing to show up in the relationship. I see HER trying to change him, and THAT is essentially what Eric is talking about. When you attempt to change a person’s beliefs, you are not on the same wavelength. She has the status quo on her side telling her she has every right to demand a lifestyle from him that he already said he was not willing to offer. There are plenty of fish in the sea. If the relationship LABELS (wife, husband, living together, etc) are more important to you that what you are CURRENTLY SHARING with that partner, by all means, leave the relationship and find someone willing to hold those labels with you

Reply August 30, 2014, 2:42 am

Jay

“Boyfriend and girlfriend are in the wrong because they are not listening to” **EACH OTHER**

August 30, 2014, 2:44 am

Trays

I have just told my boyfriend of 10 months that I do not want to live with him. We had planned to move in together next month but after having a “test” week living together I discovered some things that worried me like that fact he expects me to do all of the cooking and that he is unbelievably moody which causes me to feel like I am treading on egg shells at times. I did tell him what my worries were but he says I am just complaining. I still love him but I suddenly felt trapped and I panicked. He was not happy and I have not heard from him in 2 days despite me telling him I still love him. I’m in a horrible limbo right now. Will I ever be ready to accept these traits? Should I just break up with him? I’m really confused and upset :-(

Reply April 2, 2013, 6:07 am

Trish

Girl if you can’t accept them now, in six months you will be miserable. And if he’s dismissing your concerns as “complaints” he doesn’t really give a shit about your feelings. He is looking for mommy to take care of him! My advice is to run away as fast as possible.

Reply June 14, 2014, 11:13 pm

NG

I cannot believe I am saying this, but as I see it now you might have saved my life with this article…

I had a similar thing going on: we have a long distance relationship, I’ve ALWAYS dreamt of living together ( emphasis on I) and actually how I see it: start with my life… built things together and seperatly. I started seeing as if I was stuck with him on the other side of the country, like I cannot built something myself. Almost as if we are stuck somehow.

He actually asked me: “so when will you be moving in?” a few months ago; waaay to early, we have only been together for four months today. But I loved the idea so I started dreaming thinking that maybe after six months we could do that. So I asked him a few days ago when he would want that… and his reply was: “I don’t know” and a long talk about why he doesn’t know yet followed. Also: I shouldn’t take it personally and I shouldn’t feel strongly about what he said). Obviously me being a woman: I have been freaking out about it ever since (mostly without him knowing, he might guess that I am a little upset though). But this article put the light inside me back on…

Truth is: I can live with how everything is between us right now (distance is annoying but okay it is what it is).

I do find it annoying that I might lose my job when we would start living together, I’ve also been working here for four months, which is two weeks before we started our relationship. But the main reason why I wanted to move there besides the frustrating distance between us is actually: I dislike my house right now. And I kind of didn’t know what to do (before I met him I was going to buy a house, but when we started the relationship I didn’t know if that was a good idea with him being so far away) so anyhow: thanks to this article I now realise: just (try to) buy a house :)

Happier woman, happier relationship and whatever happens in the future: we can figure things out when they occur.

I’m sure that I will have to come back and remind me of this article once and a while, actually going to read it one more time right now, but thanks! Girls can really get CRAZY sometimes :s and I hate being that.

Love,

NG

Reply December 13, 2012, 5:46 am

la-mitrailleuse

Hi Lofty,

I am in the same situation now. We are dating since 4 years. I am 26 years old now and he’s 25.

We had this discussion yesterday evening. He lives in a house with a friend and a 2nd friend is thinking about moving in.

then I asked him, hey what about moving in together? only the two of us?
He said, that he is not ready for this yet. He’s got enough time to be in such a serious relationship. 4 years, is this not serious yet?

And yes, I can understand that he’s not ready yet, but let’s be honest, I’m 26 now. If he moves in with me in two years, im gonna be 28. But I would like to marry and have children. Do i need to wait 5 or even more years for each step?

I honestly love him, but just as I don’t want to force him to do something he does not want, should I force myself to stay in a relationship that does not cover my expectation.

And isn’t it like lying, when you only enjoy the moment, because a relationship is not only about the moment, it is about building a common future.

Reply August 28, 2012, 9:49 am

Anon

Umm, this is horrible advice. Dump! A man who is this much of a loner does not possess the skills to develop the intimacy that a long-term relationship requires. There is no future with him, period.

Reply July 18, 2012, 8:13 pm

Ashlee

Eric – Thank you so much for the advice. It’s exactly what I needed to hear. I just hope that I haven’t ruined my relationship at this point.

Reply May 5, 2012, 6:58 pm

Mallory

This advice and any woman that takes it (usually love it Eric) are blind! Sure, if you don’t want to live with your man–as I do not have a desire to do til marriage–then great you two have something in common but it is clear that this girl wants a future that has the possibility of sharing that level of intimacy with one another. This guy doesn’t want to get married fine, but he doesn’t want to live together? This guy just isn’t into relationships, he’s into himself and having his cake and eating it too! Sounds like the perfect formula for him having a potential escape if he feels too confined and still wants to cling onto the freedom of a COMPLETE bachelor.

Ladies don’t stick with men that don’t want you want. Why give up a part of you that you desire when they aren’t willing to make compromises for you that make you happy? Why because you’re afraid of being lonely!?
You’ll always end up alone when you have that needy mentality.
Don’t aim to please people who don’t aim to try to please you but rather please them self.

Reply July 12, 2013, 10:39 pm

Lofty

Erm, what about a 5 year long relationship. My boyfriend and I were together 5 years and I gently menioned within the 1st year that I’d like us to rent somewhere (we both lived with our respective parents). He kindly, but firmly said that 1 year was not long enough to be thinking about moving in. Which I graciously accepted as I was so happy to have found a man who I loved and respected and who loved and respected me equally. We had an amazing relationship in which I grew and learned so much from him and he from me. BUT – at year 5 I was done with waiting. I couldn’t see it going anywhere. I kick myself now as I keep thinking if I had given it another year, or two then some progression would have occurred. I miss him awfully and feel I’ve been a heavy-handed, controlling relationship recker by trying to ‘force’ him to see that moving in together is not such a bad thing. Anyway, he has left me. Totally chomped me out of his life and I’m only just beginning to pick up the pieces.

The original post describes EXACTLY how I felt for the first 4 years. Just be patient. Enjoy each day of our wonderful relationship as it is. Don’t pressure him and it will happen in it’s own sweet time. But then I turned forceful and forced him away. Have I really been that bad. Is 5 years long enough? We are both 30 years old

Reply August 25, 2011, 10:57 am

GAL862

Hi Lofty,

It’s been nearly three years since you started this thread, but I just stumbled upon it and wanted to see how everything turned out.

I am actually in a VERY similar situation. I have been with a guy for nearly five years (it will be five years later this year). We are both in our early thirties (I will be 30 later this year). We’ve had our fair share of problems and ups and downs, but the last year we have come really far in strengthening our relationship. We were recently toying with the idea of moving in together and looked at a few places together, but ultimately he ended up getting a place alone. I was upset, but was trying to be supportive and understanding. I’ve jokingly been calling it “our new place”. Apparently that wasn’t sitting well with him, and during an argument he made it a point to tell me that it was his place and not our place and that I was trying to take his place away from him. People have been asking him why he has his own place (without me) and why we aren’t married to which he always responds “not yet” because of money. Truthfully, if I were happy with the status of our relationship, these things wouldn’t be a big deal. But I’m not happy and I don’t feel satisfied. I need more. I’m ready to move in and get married and build a life together. And I just don’t think, based on his “it’s my place” comment, that we will ever move forward. So, I broke up with him. Am I crazy? It’s been five years, what is he waiting for?

Reply May 1, 2014, 7:14 pm

justme

you need to be the one to contact him, Emma. you told him you didn’t want to see him. you must express that you were unreasonable and wrong. if he asked for space, them you should wait for him. are you okay with just enjoying eachother and seeing where it goes

Reply July 20, 2011, 10:06 am

justme

Emma, I think you were just getting to know him. no one knows if they have found the one within 2 months. if they know, its usually only in retrospect.

Reply July 20, 2011, 9:52 am

emma

that’s what i came to conclude after i thought about it.but i really liked him.and now i m wondering what is the best to do….wait for him to call again or should i ?or are you saying to give him time to think and come to me?

Reply July 20, 2011, 9:57 am

M

Oh god…the advice here is tragic. If a man says he doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship he MEANS it and no matter how long you wait that won’t change UNLESS HE WANTS it to change. That’s an internal decision that he has to make for himself; you sticking around hoping that being patient will pay off for you does nothing but only make you bend over to someone who doesn’t want what you want. Why should he even consider thinking about being “opened” to the idea of a committed relationship when you are willingly casting your want aside for his. Hell it would be pretty hard for me to be “open minded” to someone else’s needs if they are ignoring their own and placing priority on mine. I doubt, at that point, I’d even realize they had needs because mine are so easily fulfilled and I’M HAPPY.

Hopefully you came to your senses and figured this out. A lot of women have this delusional thought that if they do this and do that for a guy he’ll do for them but that’s not how it works. You can’t manipulate people that way, people, especially men change when they feel ready. When they’ve searched themselves and realized that their perceptions on things are changing. You have little, if none at all to influencing a guy to change.

Reply July 12, 2013, 10:45 pm

emma

hey Eric,
i’ve been dating a guy for 2 months.and i jumped up to the where is this going pretty soon and told him i dont want to see him again because he said he couldnt have a serious relationship right now because he has to worry about his future.i got worried about his intentions when he started calling every day but never asked me out.we both are medecine students,only he is ahead of me by 5 years,so i know he is very busy.he made it clear he isnt seeing anyone else and said you are free to do so because he cant give me what i really want in a relationship….but that he liked me a lot and would want to keep it that way.he assumed a lot of things about me because i felt unsafe and now that i had the time to think about it i know i ve been very needy though i didnt mean it because deep down i wanted to take things slowly.he didnt call back after the huge fight we had…it’s been 2 weeks.
i m going out with other guys but all i can think about is him.and wondering if i made mistakes scaring him away.after all,i am not ready for a serious relationship myself.i m not even sure i know him that well.but i would love to keep seeing him every once in a while.should i expect him calling anytime soon so i give this a chance?or should i initiate a contact?or simply should i forget about it since if he cared enough he would have called again?is it possible to make it work again or have i blown my chances by scaring him away?and what is the best way to do so?

Reply July 20, 2011, 9:44 am

ALLEN

What is a “medecine” student?

What? You found a man who is truthful? Thank God!

I suspect as you proceed through med school you will understand his unwillingness to commit at this time.

Chill out. If you really like him, “like” is so much more honest than “love,” keep in his life and when you are both ready, look at the “serious” relationship. I suspect, however that you and he will change over the long term, drift apart and eventually be happily married — just not to each other.

ciao

Allen

Reply July 20, 2011, 2:28 pm

emma

wouldnt keeping me in his life aggreement make me the kind of girl that is good…until he finds better??

Reply July 21, 2011, 7:52 am

ALLEN

For some portion of our lives most men are horny, non-commital rats whose main function is to try to get laid. It’s not good, it’s not bad, it just is.

Why people don’t speak their minds is beyond me. If you want a marriage, make it clear BEFORE you date that your intent is to find a man worth marrying. This will chase away most of the players.

Assume those who agree to your premise are liars until proven otherwise.

Of the ones who are left, date and compare their “lines” of bullshit. After you hear enough of it you will start to find that discernment is a learned process.

Key Questions to ask a man:

1. What’s your mom like? If he had a contentious relationship, run away!
2. Were you ever sexually abused? If so, have your issues been resolved? If he was abused and has not addressed the issues in counseling, run away! Trying to have a loving relationship with a victim of sexual abuse wih unresolved issues is torturous and you may lose yourself in the process.
3. What do you do for a living? Unless he is employed in some honorable work, run away!
4. What are your drugs of preference? If he answers with anything except. “I don’t do drugs.” run away!
5. Last, if you need to have sex with one of these bozos, go for it, but remember that sex is dangerous (Lots of crazies) and might change everything. Have no expectations from sex. If it brings you closer and bonds you, great. If not, no great loss. If it makes him controlling, RUN!

It’s a tough search.

Good Luck,

Allen

Reply July 8, 2011, 1:22 pm

Anonymous girl

Allan, you forgot the most important — ‘Can you cook?’

Reply February 10, 2013, 12:25 am

Anonymous girl

I do NOT agree with the drugs part. My fiancee was into drugs before we me and smoked pot while we were together; he is now getting treatment for depression and other issues, and I have supported him throughout the relationship. People will use recreational drugs too, on social occasions or at home.

Reply February 10, 2013, 12:27 am

Mallory

Wait? You don’t agree with the drugs part and your guy is currently in a rehab facility for depression ummm yeah this only furthers Allan’s point. Obviously if you got with your bf before knowing of all of his problems and you love him of course you should stay and be supportive–although I can tell you I played that role with an ex of mine and he would have his ups and downs. Eventually, I had to leave because he was NEVER going to change because I was there…I certainly helped him see he needed to make a change but ultimately he couldn’t make that decision until he committed it in his heart. Girls always think they can change someone by playing the supportive role; support is great, but you can’t make anyone do anything. Your influence is pea size in comparison to their own nagging need to want to change.

Allan’s advice is great advice; if you meet a guy and that’s one of his traits RUN…getting trapped in drugs shows you that a guy is a bad decision maker, that probably has a lot of emotional demons. Who runs to that? Who falls into that relationship willing?

Reply July 12, 2013, 10:53 pm

melisa

I been talking to this guy For about 6 months it all started great we would hang out alot i thought he was the right one but as we started to get to get to know each other more and he told me he didnt want anything serious at the momment so i said ok its to soon we had a little fight were it all went down hill from there he would hardly txt me until i decide to give up on him!!!a month later the fair came and i would see him there but i would act like if i didnt even know him i would catch him starting but i still wouldnt say Hi that same week he finally txted me saying he though he had seen me at the fair so i ask myself why does he still txt me— he must care so that same weekend i txt him and he calls me and says he wants to hang out so i burn on my friends to hang out with him after a long month without seen him i started getting feelings back he was been super nice ! i would call him up everytime i had a chance he would come over and hang out until this day is the same thing but now is a little different one of his friends know about me and my friend talks to his best friend so we all have hang out twice now ,,My question is is he ever going to get serious or im i just going to be a booty call……

Reply July 3, 2011, 9:52 pm

booty call

You’re going to be a booty call. this is what happens when you have sex with a guy beforehand. Why should he want a relationship with you when he’s already had you?

Reply March 11, 2012, 8:55 pm

Stephanie

You never ditch your plans for a guy–to blow off all you had planned for a guy who has yet to prove he is significant in your life reeks of desperation and neediness…trust me he’ll smell it and won’t stay for long. You have to develop a life outside of your identity with a guy; in fact, don’t build your identity around a guy. Of course you may like him, and of course it’s exciting to hang out with someone you like but your friends will always be there for you when this guy goes through inconsistencies and flakiness, so why disrespect them like that?

You want someone to see you more than a bootycall? Then don’t attribute the same characteristics of a bootycall to yourself, meaning don’t make yourself ALWAYS soo easily available (this isn’t playing hard to get), don’t make your life about him and ONLY him, and don’t have a needy mentality.

Reply July 12, 2013, 10:59 pm

stacy

how do i know he wants something serious

Reply July 3, 2011, 9:51 pm

Lynn

I completely agree with you about living a fun and full life and allowing your relationships to be a place of shared happiness. It took me decades to get out of relationship “fantasy land” and to let go of my expectations about what should come next and how it should look and feel. And it was my most difficult relationships that helped me grow and let go of the expectations that weren’t vital to my happiness. Great advice Eric!

Reply July 2, 2011, 6:06 pm

Asim

Great advice, Eric – in fact, this is excellent advice for any girl in a relationship, especially a long-term one. I was definitely one of those people who had/got an idea that I took to ‘fantasy-land’ of how my relationship should be, and ultimately, it led to my great long-term relationship’s demise. After heart-wrenching heartbreak and lots of time to think, I figured out what I really NEED and also came to the realization that I still loved him and I had to accept him for the person that he is, not my idealized version of him. And as fate would have it…we are now back together. So to the writer of this question, I’d tell her to heed your advice and really think about what she NEEDs and what she can live without.

Reply July 1, 2011, 5:00 pm

Eric Charles

First, thank you. I always appreciate hearing that. :)
.
Glad to hear that your story has a happy ending. One of the best parts of a relationship is how we grow from the hard parts – it can be upsetting, uncomfortable and make you crazy, but even the tough parts of relationship have their value.

Reply July 1, 2011, 6:58 pm

JustMe

Eric gave excellent advice. Something else to consider is that a year-old relationship is still very young. Some folks also see “moving in together” as a stepping stone to marriage and others do not. I don’t think your guy necessarily does NOT want to get married at some point. I think that he just doesn’t see living together as a “step” in that. Right now, living together for him means being roommates. There could be a time when he decides that he would like to marry you. It hasn’t happened yet. It doesn’t mean you are a bad person or that you are not the “one” for him. It just means that at this point in time in his life and in this new stage of your relationship he is not ready to walk down the aisle.

Reply July 1, 2011, 12:53 pm

Eric Charles

Agreed.

Reply July 1, 2011, 4:07 pm

Asim

I agree, a year-old relationship is still young and has lots of room to grow

Reply July 1, 2011, 5:02 pm

Jay

He said he didn’t want to get MARRIED >.>

Reply July 12, 2013, 11:01 pm

Mallory

GOD I AM GLAD someone said it! This advice and any woman that takes it (usually love it Eric) are blind! Sure, if you don’t want to live with your man–as I do not have a desire to do til marriage–then great you two have something in common but it is clear that this girl wants a future that has the possibility of sharing that level of intimacy with one another. This guy doesn’t want to get married fine, but he doesn’t want to live together? This guy just isn’t into relationships, he’s into himself and having his cake and eating it too! Sounds like the perfect formula for him having a potential escape if he feels too confined and still wants to cling onto the freedom of a COMPLETE bachelor.

Ladies don’t stick with men that don’t want you want. Why give up a part of you that you desire when they aren’t willing to make compromises for you that make you happy? Don’t aim to please people who don’t aim to try to please you but rather please them self.

Reply July 12, 2013, 10:38 pm

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