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7. Don’t stress over it.

Stressing never leads to anything good and instead causes more problems than it solves. When you stop stressing out and obsessing about your own fears, worries, and nightmare scenarios, something great happens: you give the relationship room to breathe. Usually, it’s at this point that both of you start enjoying the relationship a lot more.

When you stress, you activate your fears and insecurities. This is something I know about first-hand: on my second date with my husband, I did something that has always been a problem for me … I talked way too much. I’m just a talkative person! I realized I was talking a lot more than he was, but I couldn’t seem to help myself. I didn’t hear from him for almost two days after that date, and you can guess what I spent that time doing … stressing out over the fact that I’d talked too much, thinking about what I wished I’d done differently (letting him get a word in edge-wise!) and getting furious with myself for being such a Chatty Cathy.

I’m just a talkative person! I realized I was talking a lot more than he was, but I couldn’t seem to help myself. I didn’t hear from him for almost two days after that date, and you can guess what I spent that time doing … stressing out over the fact that I’d talked too much, thinking about what I wished I’d done differently (letting him get a word in edge-wise!) and getting furious with myself for being such a Chatty Cathy.

I remember feeling just nauseous over the whole thing. When I did hear from him, I was completely on edge and measured everything I said. Fortunately, I was eventually able to rein myself in by giving myself the exact same advice I’m giving you in this article. I stopped stressing and started enjoying the relationship for what it was, and just let things happen without panicking whenever I thought I saw something that looked like a bad sign.

I stopped stressing and started enjoying the relationship for what it was, and just let things happen without panicking whenever I thought I saw something that looked like a bad sign.

Fortunately, this allowed us to really connect, and this story had a happy ending. (By the way, I only recently told my husband about those two days of agony I put myself through, and he was cracking up and thought it was very cute and sad, and he also had no recollection of me talking too much on the date … so I made myself crazy for no reason!)

MORE: How to Stop Stressing When it Comes to Dating & Relationships 

8. Focus on Building a Connection, Not Reaching Some Goal

In order for a relationship to last and become something real, you need to create depth of connection. You can’t get caught up in trying to reach some goal or milestone.

Let me tell you that having a title will never give you a sense of security if you don’t already feel secure. A lot of women get caught up in strategizing about how to take a relationship to the next level, but this type of transformation doesn’t come about by force or strategy. It happens organically as a relationship naturally deepens.

Again, it’s about getting out of a self-absorbed mindset where you’re consumed with how he feels and how you’re presenting yourself, and instead focusing on building a connection. It’s about dropping your guard a bit, showing some vulnerability, and connecting to him in meaningful ways. That’s what lays the foundation for a meaningful, lasting relationship.

Don’t get caught up in the illusion of who you think he is, or what being in a relationship with him will represent. Be open to his world and recognize what’s meaningful to him. Figure out what he wants in his life and what his goals are, and support him. And share yourself with him, your real self, not the image you’re trying to project of what you think he wants so you can win him over.

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