You know the feeling… it’s that palpable shift that you can’t quite put your finger on, it just hangs in the air sending waves of panic throughout your being. Sometimes you think you’re imagining things… that your insecurities and fears are acting up, and things go back to business as usual.
And just as you’re breathing that delicious sigh of relief, the panic reemerges and jabs you right between the ribs. Something is up, you don’t want to admit it, but you know it.
They say advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer, but wish you didn’t, and I most certainly agree! I get flooded with desperate questions from women wanting to know if their guy is losing interest.
The thing is, they already know the answer, they know he is, they’re just coming to me as a last resort… hoping that there’s a chance they’re totally deluded and wrong and not only is this guy is not losing interest, he’s head over heels in love!
I know what a miserable feeling this is…and what a confusing one! It makes no sense because everything started out so great and you have no idea when it started to go wrong. And it’s pretty hard not to take it personally, which just makes everything worse.
Why won’t he come out and tell you he’s losing interest? Because interest doesn’t usually flip on and off like a light switch. It’s more like a dimmer…it steadily fades to black. A guy may go through several weeks, or even months, trying to sort out how he feels and in that time, he isn’t totally sure he wants to sever ties forever. While his words may not be telling you much, his behavior speaks volumes.
To spare you the tortuous game of is he or isn’t he, these are the definitive signs that your guy is losing interest:
1. He makes excuses
While at first, he was all about you…now all of a sudden he has to work late, he wants to see you but he really needs to go to the gym… he’s really tired…he thinks he’s coming down with a cold. Whereas in the beginning, he would race to see you even if he had to climb out from under a pile of work, running on two hours of sleep, with the flu, these days he seems to jump on any tiny excuse he can find to avoid hanging out with you.
Typically, whenever someone gives you an excuse for why they can’t do something, what they’re really telling you is they don’t want to do that thing.
2. He doesn’t ask you as many questions.
When we like someone, we can’t get enough. We’re curious, inquisitive, and we want to know everything.
If he doesn’t really seem interested in anything you have to say, he seems bored when you talk, he cuts you off, he looks away, or he doesn’t remember the things you tell him, it’s a big sign he’s losing interest in you.
3. He just doesn’t light up anymore.
I have a guy friend who seemed to be destined for permanent bachelorhood. He dated countless women, all wonderful, attractive, smart, etc., and one by one he dumped them all. Everyone thought he was too picky, that his standards were unrealistic, that he would end up alone…
Then he started dating a girl seriously, really seriously, and before long they got engaged. I asked him what was different about her, what made her stand out from the rest, and he said: “I’m just always excited to see her. Even if we’ve been out every night that week, I still get excited every time.” It’s as simple as that. When we like someone, we light up around them. When our fire is beginning to wane, we don’t have that same level of enthusiasm.
Women do the same thing. Back when I was single and dating, I knew I was losing interest in a guy if I didn’t want to waste my makeup on him, or if I raced out the door without giving myself a second look. It wasn’t because I was pressed for time, it was because I genuinely didn’t care!
QUIZ: Is He Losing Interest?
4. He’s not responsive
He doesn’t text back or gives you cold, one-word responses. Now don’t prematurely panic, a lot go guys are just not good at texting, or communication in general (make sure to read our article on why guys don’t text back because it isn’t always a sign he’s losing interest and that is a huge mistake a lot of women make). If he isn’t responsive over text and in general seems totally indifferent toward you, that’s a different story.
You may find his responses vague, and maybe it feels like you’re pulling teeth every time you try to get an answer out of him. He isn’t forthcoming with you about his plans or what he wants. Basically, talking to him always feels like a struggle. It doesn’t feel easy and effortless, it feels like you’re always coming up against a wall and it’s exhausting trying to break through.
5. He picks fights
This is a common thing guys do when they’re losing interest in a girl, or gearing up to break up with her. It is sort of his way of trying to get out of having to be the bad guy who hurts you. He would rather drive you crazy and get you to break up with him.
Maybe he gets extra defensive, maybe he picks at you, maybe it seems like he’s trying to get under your skin, maybe he intentionally does things he knows you hate. When he does these things, he may be intentionally trying to push you away.
Yes, it may seem childish, but it comes from a sort of good place, a place of him really not wanting to hurt your feelings.
6. No initiative
He’ll reply when you reach out, but he doesn’t initiate. On top of that, he just seems to slack off in the relationship. There are no nice dates and advance planning. There is no effort, just bare minimum.
Maybe he doesn’t maintain his appearance like he used to and puts in no effort to impress you and win you over. A man’s desire and drive is activated when he feels like he’s winning a woman over and working to earn her. The more effort he put into winning her over, the more invested he becomes in her. If he isn’t putting in any effort, it means he doesn’t really care to keep her around.
7. The relationship stagnates
At first, the momentum was building, you started off strong, things were going great … but then it seems to taper off, or worse yet, you seem to be going backward. If you’ve been seeing each other for a little while now and he won’t put a label on it or take the next step, or he dodges you every time you try to talk about the relationship, it’s a clear sign he’s losing interest and doesn’t see a future with you. (One thing to be cautious of is pressuring him too much and being too invasive because this can also shut a guy down. So make sure to read this article: What to Do When He Says He Needs Space).
8. No sex.
Sex is essentially a barometer for the relationship. If your guy is less interested in your sexually, it’s a sign that he’s just less interested in you overall. There are ways to seduce a man and bring the spark back into your relationship, but if he’s losing interest in you as a person, then sex won’t be enough to really reel him back in.
9. Only sex.
OK, on the other side of the coin, if he’s only interested in sex and nothing more, then that’s also a sign he’s losing interest. Maybe you don’t hear from him for days and then, ping, his name pops up on your phone late at night asking if you want to come over. Maybe he tells you he’s been busy, but he hasn’t been busy. He’s just not that interested in you anymore…but he doesn’t want to cut you out of his life entirely…and he does enjoy having your body next to his…so that’s why you occasionally hear from him.
Basically, if he doesn’t take you out, if you don’t hear from him consistently, only here and there when it’s convenient for him (and late at night), then he is losing interest in you. Yes, he’s still in your life kind of, but he won’t be as soon as he finds another girl he really does like, so your best bet is to cut your losses.
10. You just know.
Deep down, you already know the truth. You’re reading this article because you’re hoping that maybe you’re wrong, but now you have to face the unpleasant truth that maybe you’re not, and maybe this relationship isn’t going to pan out how you hoped and now you will have to dust off and start anew.
Our guts are powerful tools, and they have access to a lot more information than we do. Our guts can access things in our subconscious awareness and pick up on subtleties. When you learn to listen to your gut, you will be better equipped to navigate the dating waters with your self-esteem intact.
MORE: Why Do Men Pull Away?
If a guy isn’t interested in you, all it means is he isn’t the right guys for you, and that’s really no big deal. Don’t beat yourself up or take this personally. I know it feels personal, but it really isn’t.
Not everyone can be a match for everyone else…and we wouldn’t want it to be that easy. The hard is what makes it worth it in the end.
I know it can feel devastating in the moment, especially if you felt that the connection was strong and that he has all the qualities you want in a man, but if he were the right guy for you, he would be with you. You may not see it now, but in time you will meet a man who makes his interest known, who claims you and never leaves you with questions or doubts, who really sees you and appreciates the full scope of who you are, then all of this will make sense and you will wonder why you ever willingly wasted time on someone who couldn’t or wouldn’t see your worth.
There is a light at the end, remember that and just keep going. Keep working on yourself, keep growing, keep building your inner strength and quality of character. Do these things and love will be effortless.
Still not totally sure where he stands? Take our freakishly accurate “Is He Losing Interest?” quiz to find out for sure.