What should I do?

Honestly i don’t see how he was having an emotional affair with you. Just seems like you got on well as friends!? If he wanted to be with you he would be. If your connection was as deep and special as it was for you, he would have broken up with her and be with you. No matter how “obligated” he felt to her.

He would at least have made a move towards that direction but i don’t see that he did. I also don’t see how he is or was being a dick to you. Has he flat out told you he is unhappy in his relationship and seeks for a way out? Because it reads like projection on your part to me. Whatever the case I would let it go and move on. I

@mama: Not sure, mabe I left out some details – I was not told ANYTHING. My knowledge about their relationship is mostly from all the time I spend with the two of them (including other friends). The thing is – he is not doing it behind her back. He is behaving like that in front of her to me (she hates me). A while ago I thought at some point he might do it on purpose, so that she would leave him. He also invited me sometimes to join them, when it was just the two of them. He also called her accidentally my name many times, and even told me about it. She was/is furious about it. If I would be in her position, I would have left him long ago. But, he never did anything wrong to me in my opinion? (I mean, he never promised me anything, he never hide anything from me, he never tried to touch me sexually or kiss me, even though he would have had the possibilities quite a few times,…)

The more you explain the more this seems like its just in your head. He never made a move, he invited you along to spend time with the two of them, he never actually said anything negative about his relationship to you….he sees you as a friend. Try to move on

Ok, thanks for your replies, I will try and I will..
I just somehow still feel I haven’t fully understood this situation.
I am not stupid normally with these things, and it’s not that I haven’s met any other guys in this time. I went on other dates, actually had sex and kissed other guys, but none of that really touched my heart in a way this did.
I am still really not sure about the “friend” thing. It would mean that all my sensors of a guy beeing into me would be completelty off, although I normally tend to *underestimate* this, a lot. I felt was really persuing me, at least I thought so. I never initiated anything, or any contact, actually I tried to stay away and push him away, because he had his girlfriend. He constanly initated contact, he always finds reasons to text or to call me, sometimes multiple times a day. He was always around. Even after I sometimes stopped contacting him completely. Last night he texted me at 2 am. He was very touchy as well all the time, he is always staring at me, we always look in each others eyes when we talk. I don’t know, I am not 15, I had other relationships, longer ones, shorter ones, but something about this is different, and I can’t understand it. :(

Glad to be of help. Your update of texting you at 2am equals exactly what I said – a cheat. Good luck getting untangled in all the attention he gives you. Its not real. Long for real – and bat away all the other BS.

Projection, projection that is all there is. He never made a move to be with you. He never made a move to even have you on the side. He sees you as a friend. People in relationships are allowed to have friends and be friendly with others. That does not constitute an emotional affair!

And sorry, inviting you along with the two if them is not disrespectful to their relationship. it is absolutely not him being a dick. Its what FRIENDS do.

There is nothing that indicates he wants something more. And sorry i am agreeing with Newbie here, you show incredible arrogance to think you know more about his feelings and his relationship as he does.

If you as you say pretty much met at the same time that is even more indication that he is not interested in you as you would like. Their relationship not being “love at first sight” means nothing. He chose to pursue a relationship with her.

If him contacting you makes it harder for you to move on then stop talking to him. if him being friendly with you clouds your judgement then cut him off. Stop deluding yourself and move on

@T from NY – normally I am not so bad at this, at least I though so… :(
Two weeks ago, I sent several tear-laughing smileys to a male “friend” of mine who asked me if I would come over to his place to have a drink at midnight, after he had a fight with his ex-girlfriend. I stopped hanging out as “friends” with him since then.
But, this guy last night texted about some things we talked about, that are currently emotional stressfull to him, and also about us both crying at a movie I watched recently that he recommended to me. He was neither drunk nor partying, and his fiancee must have gone to bed hours before, I think he was in a videochat with a group of friends, thats why he did not reply to me earlier.

@cupcake: To be honest, I don’t think he would ever make a move to have me on the side, he is not that type of a guy at all. If he would be, he would have done long ago, and I would have told him what the hell is wrong with him and that this is inappropriate.
And, no, we did NOT meet at the same time. When I met him it was the first time they were actually in the same city and not in an LDR any more. But, at that point, she had already left behind basically her job and her whole old life just to be with him, and she was already arranging for their parents to meet each other, and wanted him to start a family, which he was hesistant to (as any sane person would be, at least in my opinion, at that point in time).

Anyways. I agree that I can’t look into other people, and should be more careful of not interpretating too much. Although, some part of me just can’t believe the “just friends” thing. I have other male friends, and some of them have actually been into me at some point in the past (and have told me), but in any of these cases, it was NEVER as obvious to me that they were into me, then it was with this guy. If it would be projection (which i am not saying it isn’t – I don’t know), i just think I would feel very weird, and not able to understand anything about the world or people at all. :/
I mean, maybe that’s the case :D Better figure that out now, then I can improve rom there :D
But, then I would really have no clue, when a guy would be into me – for me, this was all the signs that had always indicated this to me as long as I can think back :(

@Newbie: I am not saying he has to be with me. Actually, if I would have had one situation where I would be convinced that he is actually really happy with her, I don’t think I would be here. To “fast track to find a daddy” – not necessarily. But, even there, she just gives off a weird vibe to me. Whenever there is children around, she goes crazy in holding them, taking care of them, preferably in a kind of showing-off-way front of him. Once we were with another couple and their four-year-old. She was playing with the little guy a lot. At some point, he also wanted to play with me, which she was seemingly upset about. When serving dinner, the young guy shouted “I want to sit next to her” pointing at me, after which she made a passive-aggressive comment to the child, and never watched the child with a single view for the rest of the evening… So, yes, might still be “projection”, but I also have two eyes and can see all the situations happening in front of me.
Actually, really considering what you said last, at least in parts. What am I hoping form here – just other views on the situation, I would really love to get a better understanding of the situation, because I really want to learn what things I could and should do differently. (Yes, I understand the part of not falling for someone in a relationship, actually I would normally not do that, it just somehow “creeped” up on me over time, and as I wasn’t in the best place after the end of another not-so-great relationship, I might have been a bit more vulnerable for this then I would normally be.)

Ok, last post, I will stop then, sorry fo writing so much, but I feel it somehow helps me…
@Newbie: To “why I think it might be out of obligation” – I know he has been hurt once really bad from a previous relationship. His current view on relationships is “you just need to stick with it, and never give up. Good relationships mean enduring relationships, and that just happens when you never trow the towel, no matter how difficult it get’s.”. I partly agree on this, but only partly. In my opinion, you have to have and healthy and emotionally available partner, that you are attracted to in some way. If you don’t have that, I think it’s the much better bet to walk away, instead of suffering under in an unhealty realationship for many years. (I was once in a committed relationship with a guy who turned out (after a while) to have more and more signs of beeing emotionally controlling, and leaving that relationship was the best gifts I could do to myself).
Anyways. Back to the obligation topic – when he talked to me about the engagement two weeks ago, he just sounded so weird. I have NEVER heard someone talk to me like that about their engagements. ever. He was literally saing things like “Well, you have see it realisticly, these days 50% of marriages get divorced, so I think it’s important not to go into this too naive!” “My uncle got married for the 4th time recently, and my dad actually almost refused to go” (His parents are still together though, since over 40 years). “I don’t want her to take my name, even though she wants to. It somehow makes me feel weird, I feel it does not fit to her”. I mean, seriously?! Even if I just see him as a friend – what the hell would I tell a friend who talked to me like this about his engagement? Normally, I would expect something like – “I am so excited, I am so happy that I am going to marry her, she is awesome, but I am also somehow scared, I mean, this is a huge decision, I really feel nervous about it” or something like this?! Or am I so completely off here? No idea, never got married so far :D

Im not judging the fact you fall for a guy with a gf, now fiancee. It happens, it also can lead to people breaking up for the new crush. My main concern is that you are delusional. But im also a big fan of getting clearity. I have confessed my love to guys. All of them were stunned lol. But it did help me to move on. So i agree with cupcake, get clearity from him. He is about to be married so the future will be awkward anyway, so you might as well take your chance now. And say goodbye forever if its not what you want

I just have to comment about what she has done- why do women do this to each other? Your involvement created a different trajectory for his relationship than if you had walked away from him once you found out he was in a committed relationship. Why do we do this damage to other women?? This is why we will never rise above- we just keep kicking each other down off the ladder

I thought this topic would be over, and in some way it is, I am going on dates, and meeting people. BUT… The guy is still there, and keeps showing up. I might not have been exactly consequent in summer. On the other hand, the „fantasy island“ somehow still does not explain the situation fully to me – we went on vacation together, actually not once but three times (!) this summer. First time just the two of us, hiking from hut to hut in some mountains for several days (just the two of us, sharing rooms, but not beds) before going to a private music festival to party together (sleeping in the same tent, his suggestion). To make it clear, nothing physical ever happened. But, after these 5 days of basically spending 24/7 together and saying goodbye, HE was the one hugging me intensely and suggesting to plan the next vacation already. He then stayed super close for a few days, texting every few hours, even sending me pictures of his childhood, before he kind of faded away to texting only every few days. He was not spending time with his girlfriend, he actually didn‘t see her very rarely this sommer because she is working full time, and his job is on a break because of corona so he was out of town a lot. We went on two other vacations, the second one also just the two of us for several days, third one with a friend we both know. Anyways. I am ok at this point with this never working out, but I still would like to understand what’s going on there. I mean, am I so OFF to not be able to recognize this as a friendship? But, it just feels weird, or at least I never had a male „friend“ before that was that close. I mean, we were talking a lot, also about our past relationships, families,…, and at some point during traveling he was literally asking me things like if there are any things that would be a nogo for my parents when bringing home a guy. I don’t know, but none of my platonic friends would ever ask me that? :D If he would have tried to make a move on me (which he could have) I would also be able to understand his intentions (and would have rejected him because of his girlfriend). But at this point it just leaves me feeling a bit weird, because I wonder if i am really so off about how a „friendship“ could look for some man? As said in the beginning, I am at a very different point, would be fine to not see him again, don’t feel dependent on that situation. But, I am going to dinner with him in a few days, and that just made me wonder again – what the hell is this, and what is there that i don’t see or get about the situation…?

Anna, this is happening because you are allowing this to happen. Why are you going on 3 vacations with someone else’s boyfriend? Answer that honestly and actually put yourself in this guy’s girlfriend’s place. Imagine the man you love is hanging out with some girl all the time. I would not like you either and I would want him to stop, but I know he loves me so I’m trusting him. And- he’s not crossing the line physically so she’s going along with it. In a way, you look sad and desperate because you actually think there’s a possibility he will leave her.
Understand how karma works- what you are doing to this girlfriend will be done to you in some way.