What does he want from me?


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals What does he want from me?

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  • #610916 Reply

    Autumn

    We’ve been together almost a year on April 10th.

    He cheated on me with his ex who he broke up with, in March of last year. But he’s never admitted to the cheating. I feel like he may still be in love with his ex but I can’t be too sure about that.

    We moved in with each other in June of Last year. I have put so much into our relationship that I don’t know what to do. I try everyday for us to work out. All of the cheating, came out on New Years Eve. He had a birthday in Late January, even after our problems, I wanted to make sure he had a great birthday evening. I bought him a few shirts, took him to a movie, then wanted to take him out for dinner, then drinks later. He said he wasn’t hungry and drives us to the strip club. I told him that I didn’t want to see him touching all on the dancers. So we argued, he got mad, blamed me for “ruining everything” and drove us home. At home, he accused me of “trying to change him” when all I was asking for was respect in our relationship. The problem is, he took me to a strip club once before and he was rubbing all on this dancers thighs during the private dance in front of me. I felt so disrespected. And after all that planning for his birthday when he did nothing for my birthday, I felt so upset. For my birthday, he and I, one of his sons, and my 2 daughters and sister all went out to eat. I paid. I don’t know if I am being ridiculous about that but I felt that since it was my birthday he would pay.

    The worst part about all of this is how he treated me a weekend I was at my jewelry show. We were supposed to go out to celebrate our 5 month anniversary after my show ended at 6. He later tells me he was at a birthday party and didn’t get home til after 10:30 pm. Little did I know, he took his ex to that party. Then the following day, he goes and takes her furniture shopping, buys her a couch and dining room table. And while I was offering up the money I made from the show, he tells me he didn’t need it but only to ask me days later for $1000 by noon. I told him that I didn’t have it and spent it on bills. He got mad at me and told me he was going to ask that ex for the money.

    I question my reasonings for staying and his reasonings for being with me. Early on in the relationship, actually when I was moving in with him….we share rental property in a town nearby, I thought we were going to split the down payment to the property. When I mentioned that to him, he dumps for it. He told me that he wanted someone that would “contribute”.

    I want to believe everyday that he loves me and is not with me for his own benefit. I do love him and wonder if he feels the same. Please help me.

    #610918 Reply

    peggy

    Hi Autumn-I am sorry but he is not a nice person or a good boyfriend, I doubt he loves you ,as I would define love to include “having the other person’s best interests at heart”. He is immature, disrespectful and using you and your money at his convenience. I hate to also think of your kids seeing this terrible example of what “love” is. Please consider that you will not change him and this won’t get better. I think you should leave him and work on improving your confidence and self-esteem. Then, you can form relationships with loving, respectful men and also just enjoy life with or without a man. Do it for yourself and your kids. If you stay, this will get worse and destroy your mental health. You can do this! Good luck.

    #610928 Reply

    Autumn

    Thank you for the advice. I’m not sure why I am with him. I guess I hold out the hope that he can actually treat me better and hope that we actually have a future of some sort together. A few weeks ago, I was told that the ex called him to apologize for her part in all of the drama involving me finding out about him cheating on me with her. She told me that he called her and apologized to her about how he talked to her. One day she told our mutual friend ( she and I share a mutual friend) that she received a private call and suspected to be my man. Well the friend tells me and I confronted my man about it. He then calls and cusses her out only to call her a whore and accusing her of sleeping around with other men, then threatened to show all these sex videos to these men he thought she was sleeping with. So then he calls to apologize to her about the way he spoke to her. I don’t know why he had to call and apologize to her and her to call and apologize to him. I wish they would block each other like they claimed.

    #610935 Reply

    Newbie

    Wow, youre letting him treat you like a doormat. Why? I would rather be a happy single than put up with cheating, neglect, lies and being a sugarmomma to a douchebag

    #610936 Reply

    Kim

    I have never heard of a strip club that allows men to touch the women. Unless it’s a private lap dance.. in a separate room that he pays for.

    #610941 Reply

    peggy

    Autumn-I repeat,he is an a-hole and you can’t change this. Ex in the picture or not,he is a horrible person. Leave him now. You will be sad but realise after a it,that you feel so much better without him around!!

    #610950 Reply

    BCS

    Hi Autumn. I read your post and it was a painful read. I won’t repeat what everybody else has said. It is obvious to me that you should leave this guy. But the fact that you are wondering wether you should leave him and that you are hoping that he will change tells me that you may not have the emotional/mental tools to leave him. I think you may be dealing with self esteem issues. Have you ever considered therapy? I think it would help you realize your self worth among other things.

    #610955 Reply

    Autumn

    Yes I’ve put up with far too much treatment to actually stay. I believe I have lost my mind as to why I even stay with him. Those are just SOME of the things he’s done. He won’t change you’re right Peggy. He simply can’t treat me in the way I deserve. I have taken things unnoticed out of the house and into storage. I plan on leaving and when I do, he won’t know about it. I even told him that after all this mess with the ex. He told me that if I was going to be sad all the time about these “lies”,then I should leave. I did tell him that he would know when i’ve had enough because I simply will be gone and will not tell him about it. I will be gone. He did get quiet and started to treat me differently. We’ve had so many arguments that I can’t believe I am still here or that he is still with me.

    I’ve been physically abused before in my marriage. I told him that cheating and abuse are my “one and done”. I guess what I am doing is waiting on him to make a mistake. The ex had concrete proof but didn’t want to give it to me. I have to hand it to her. She could have easily given me the screenshots of the texts of proof that he cheated but she didnt want to hurt me. I do feel that even though I feel betrayed by her contacting him to apologize, that she didn’t want to hurt me in showing me the messages he gave her. I believe that I need physical proof or him hitting me ( sad I know) for me to actually leave because then I know that he did wrong and i have the proof ( on my face or in texts) to never go back to him.

    I do agree with someone saying I must be his sugarmama. Though my age doesn’t matter, I am 12 years older than him and that must be why he acts in that way with me about money. He was never like this with his past relationship
    Sorry I am just so broken, so hurt, so sad. I need to logically think about things. I do appreciate all the comments as I am taking them all in.

    #610961 Reply

    T from NY

    I don’t think this post is real. I swear there are sooooo many fakes posts on here these days!! If you are real Autumn — the fact you stay with that guy goes WAY beyond the scope of this forum to help you.

    #610963 Reply

    Andrea

    Autumn, try to love yourself, would you? I felt heartbroken reading your posts. You are a nice woman, he doesn’t deserve you. Cheating on you or not does not matter, he isn’t someone who will bring you happiness. So why not just find happiness somewhere else? Please make him the one regret life without you, not you are the one regretting life with him!

    #610971 Reply

    Diane

    It’s a full moon, isn’t it? I’m with you T.

    My advice here is if this is for real, get some therapy. Your mental issues are beyond the scope of a dating forum. When you say you need the guy to assault you in order to walk away? That’s sheer craziness.

    #610977 Reply

    Autumn

    Yes this is a real post!

    I know my problems are deeper than a forum can help me with. Believe me I do. I understand that there may be fake posts but my situation is very real unfortunately. I feel more comfortable with revealing my feelings and my state of mind on here than to my close friends. I have one friend who I do talk to and she’d want more than anything for me to be done with him.

    My problems stem from my childhood. Not knowing my self worth. I’ve learned alot. Sometimes a person needs to write down their feelings. I’m with him day in and day out and it makes it easier ( sometimes) for me to stay than it would be to pick up the pieces and move on which I know will be inevitable. I know we won’t last. I know we won’t. I just needed to talk out my feelings without being accused of them being fake.

    #610980 Reply

    Newbie

    I do agree that your issues are far beyond the stop of this forum. You have to go from acting like a victim to a survivor and build of from there. But you have to do the work for it with therapy, listening to your friend and act like a good mom. Really what is ao hard about being single? I have been single the biggest part of my life and was always happy

    #610982 Reply

    Sam

    Where are your kids in all of this? All you seem to go on about is you.

    #610984 Reply

    Ash

    Break up with this man immediately and go to therapy. You already know you have problems, next step is fixing them for your own well being.

    #610992 Reply

    Crisula

    Yeah..I believe it
    I’ve witnessed a family member (druggie punk) doing this to an older successful businesswoman. My family has washed our hands of him…but not her..it’s gone on for years. She pays for rehab, repeatedly…she has a quirk where she thinks she’s in love and tries to fix him. It has been going on for years.

    Autumn… This is one of those examples of a woman allowing herself to be abused. IMO, your problem is due to the fact that you’re trying to ‘fix’ him because of how somebody treated you badly in your childhood. Being treated this way is what you’re used to..
    You’re being monetarily and emotionally abused. Treated like a doormat. He is still in love with his ex..or at least he thinks she is.. Look at how she treats him…just like he treats you.
    You desperately need therapy. You have severe co-dependency issues.
    If you won’t do it for yourself..do it for your daughters. They’re witnessing how their mother is allowing a man to abuse her.. that is abuse in itself. You’re putting your needs first, not your girls, by trying to hold on to a punk who spits in your face on a daily basis. He will never love you…get that? NEVER

    #610995 Reply

    Crisula

    Your daughters witnessed your husband abusing you, and now this..
    Get your damn act together woman.. grow up and be a mother. Get therapy..and for your poor daughters too

    #611013 Reply

    Autumn

    I guess I should have put that my daughters are in their early twenties.

    Crisula,

    I do appreciate your thoughts and telling me about your family member.

    I also want to point out that you mentioned that he is treating me how the ex treated him… this is something I actually noticed but didn’t want to dive deep in. Just curious… what part of my posts made you come to that assessment?

    I do agree with everyone, I do feel like I need to speak with someone as I felt that my troubled past was in the past. However with this situation, obviously it’s not behind me. I don’t believe he’s still in love with his ex. I

    #611022 Reply

    Crisula

    Autumn..then I humbly apologize for the daughter statement. I naturally assumed because they accompanied you to dinner. I shouldn’t have..

    In therapy, you don’t have to dwell on the past…it can take years. You can get therapy that starts with now..your present life…You learn to accept that your childhood was abusive and how to love yourself.
    Pretty much you’re trained to think ‘it is, what it is and there ain’t nothing I can do to change that ..but I can change my outlook and how I’m treated…now and in the future.’
    It’s called DBT therapy. It was mainly used as a therapy treatment for childhood trauma, and disorders brought on by trauma. It was founded by a Dr. Linehan, and derived from traditional Buddhism..
    Google DBT Therapy and Radical Acceptance. It will help you.

    Best of luck

    #611025 Reply

    Crisula

    BTW..I came that assessment by the way you are allowing yourself to be badly treated. Your self-esteem is zero. It is very common to try and ‘fix’ somebody in your present day life, who’s treating you badly…just to compensate for someone you had no control of fixing in the past..

    #611027 Reply

    Autumn

    Oh no apologies necessary!

    It’s okay. Yes they attended my birthday gathering but no one had any way of knowing the ages of my 2 daughters. But your opinion is still correct, whether they’re 2 or 22, they should never have to see their mom in a relationship that could be considered abusive. He showed himself to my family at lunch by allowing me to pay for not only my dinner, but his and his sons. I know that is pretty moot but it was my birthday.

    I can also see how I am coming off. I was curious about your assessment with the ex because I wondered if you thought that she was mistreating him with his lack of esteem?

    Also, therapy is a great idea… before I came on here, it was something I have considered.

    I have to admit Crisula, you have been spot on with your posts so I thank you and every single one of you who have contributed. I needed a good conversation about my situation.

    #611047 Reply

    Hannah

    You’ve given him a chance to change. An 11 month chance to change. HE IS NOT GOING TO!

    What you see is what you get. If you’re happy with that stay (and you’re clearly not!) But if you’re unhappy, go. It really is as simple as that. You don’t need therapy to know your situation isn’t a good one. You just need to realise it isn’t going to get better. If anything, it will get worse.

    If you stay, you’re accepting his behaviour. He’s right. You are trying to change him. You want him to change because you don’t even really like him. So why are you staying with someone you makes you unhappy and you don’t like?!

    You told him if he cheated you’d be gone. But he did and you stayed. Not only that but you moved in with him! There’s all the respect gone out of the window. He knows he can do what he likes and you’ll accept it. Please stop accepting it.

    Remember your children may not be children but they’re are still seeing this and aren’t stupid. My father got together with a mad drunken woman 20 years younger than him. It was painful and hurtful to watch, even though I was in my 30s. It made me lose a lot of respect for him and it made me distance myself from him, physically and emotionally. Is he worth causing a rift in your family?

    #611112 Reply

    Autumn

    Hannah,

    Thank you for your message. I really don’t think that I am trying to change him. I do feel however that showing respect in the relationship, is something that I’d like for him to do. I don’t know if that’s completely changing him but if that is what that means then ok. I guess I don’t like him because I’ve learned from his behavior that he simply cant treat me in the way I deserve to be treated. I want for him to just love me. I didn’t know that I was asking for alot but apparently so. When someone tells you they love you, don’t we expect for them to show that action? He holds on to me, why? He could easily let me go if he didn’t want me or love me so there has to be some other reasons why he is still with me. If he felt like the ex still loved him and if he still loves her, wouldn’t they be together instead of him trying to be with me?

    Ido agree about my daughters no matter what age they are. I do not let them know much about my relationship with him because I do not want them to worry about me. I love them and I doln’t want them to see that I am in yet another failed relationship.

    Maybe when he told me that the ex called him and he didn’t want to keep secrets from me, showed me a different side to him like he actually is learning to respect our relationship.

    #611147 Reply

    Autumn

    Am I wrong for thinking that perhaps he actually considered our relationship by telling me the ex called him and told me he didn’t want to keep any secrets from us?

    #611184 Reply

    Newbie

    Yes i think the whole dynamic is off. You need more help outside this forum. Like i stated before; you need to stop thinking of yourself as a victim and act that you are a survivor. So improve your life. What does this guy bring? Sex? Buy a vibrator. Love? He cheated on you. Being happy? I dont need a guy to make me happy etc. Seek councelling

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