What does he want from me?


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  • #617429 Reply

    peggy

    How could you know Autumn? You obviously don’t recognize how F*cked up you and your situation/thinking is. People are making jokes because they are at a loss to help or convince you and so they may shrug their shoulders in disbelief and joke to deal with/cover how sad this is.

    #617469 Reply

    Autumn

    I guess I would think you all would want him to treat me better.

    #617474 Reply

    peggy

    Yes,Autumn-we do. So far we see little evidence of that,or like I said,the bar you have set is low-like if he stops touching strippers etc…..There is no use discussing this anymore.You ask for help and opinions, and dozens of messages tell you that he is not a nice guy and women deserve to be treated so much better and you should leave. People who have been in crappy situations, often don’t understand how awful it was and how hurt they are, until they leave the situation. At this feel you have won him,so enjoy your prize.

    #617476 Reply

    peggy

    At this point,you feel you have won him…

    #617478 Reply

    Helly

    Maybe she’s in love with his ex-girlfriend…

    #617485 Reply

    Cari

    @Helly I won’t lie, I kind of thought that after reading about the necklace…. this is either fake or she’s more deluded than we all think. If I were the ex, I’d distance myself from these 2. One wants to have sex with her behind the girlfriends back but only to turn around and disrespect her by trying to send sex videos that were made of them. Only to apologize later for how he treated her. Then the current girlfriend is “friendly” with her but was only “friendly” with her to keep her close and pry into her love life. All the while, making her a necklace for her to show they will always be connected? Then she gets mad at the ex because the ex has a conversation with her man/the ex’s ex to apologize for her role in the drama. It’s like some weird and odd obsession they have with her. Kind of strange. I would stay far far away from BOTH of them as they are both toxic for her.

    I don’t see how the ex betrayed Autumn for simply apologizing if that is what she really did. Did she call him to try and have sex with him again? If so then that is when you should feel betrayed. However it does seem like every party involved ( yes including you Autumn) seems to enjoy the drama, treatment and attention from this situation because why would any self respecting individual want to go through all of this drama????

    Autumn, of course people want to him to do right by you but if he is, then good for you. But with ALL that you’ve gone through with this situation alone, I would think that you would want more for yourself. I can say one thing about the ex….at least she ended things when she found out about you 2. Or are they still in contact? I am going to assume you would know only if you’re checking his phone/ whereabouts. Either way. I would think you would want someone who wouldn’t touch on dancers bodies, or would even want to go to a strip club for their birthday but only spend it with you. someone who wouldn’t buy furniture for his ex then try and sleep with her, leaving you at home to wonder wtf he’s doing or wtf he is. I’m not trying to convince you of anything but I just question your state of mind.

    #617506 Reply

    Autumn

    Helly,

    No I’m not in love with the ex. In fact, I had some compassion for her because she had recently lost a family member that meant alot to her, around the time the drama happened. She shared that information with me and I could not help but to let her know that she could vent to me anytime she needed to. It showed to me, someone who isn’t this person that she was painted out to be. I even kind of felt bad about how he was calling her a “lying pathetic whore” and asking her about how many men she slept with ( which is none of his business).

    Maybe you’re right Cari, maybe she should stay away from us, which is what I prefer. But in no way do I enjoy any of this drama. I’m simply too old for this drama and am a good person to deal with what I’ve dealt with. I do love him more than I actually thought I could love someone. And I know that some of you don’t understand that which is fine.

    And maybe I did lie a little bit to the ex in the beginning when all the drama started. I don’t know why I did. When we were conversing( she messaged me at first), she told me that he was probably saying bad things about her. I told her that he actually doesn’t talk about her at all, just that they just simply couldn’t get along and that obviously she’s hurt by him choosing me over her. Plus he did mention that the race thing was a contention for her. She was livid after I told her that. She said that could never be true as she dates outside of her race all of the time and race would never be an issue for her. Anyway. I was very ill at all of the things that were being told to me at that time. She tried to let me know that she wasn’t lying about them because why would she. She also wanted to let me know that she wasn’t trying to break us up. As I type this, I do question my state of mind. This all happened in January of course. Even though I may seem silly for trying to work things out with him, I want to try until there is nothing left to try. I have spent quite a bit of time with his family. Things like that, make me feel like he’s serious about me and not the ex. Why take me around his family if he wasn’t serious about me? It makes no sense at all.

    #617521 Reply

    Autumn

    Cari,

    About the ex not doing anything wrong with contacting my man…I feel like she did. I felt disrespected like it was behind my back. At this point, she and I were seeming to build a friendship with each other. Then she goes behind my back and has a conversation with my man. They both told me that they had each other blocked. So why wouldn’t I feel betrayed? I was lied to as well. I guess it’s easier to throw away our friendship than to throw away my relationship with him. I guess it just seems like you all are making the ex out to be this saint when to ME it doesn’t seem that way.

    I asked her in the beginning what kind of relationship did she think she was having with him from Jun-Dec….she mentioned, they would go to lunch together and sometimes they’d have sex. I let her know that’s no relationship, that’s a side piece and how this is only painting HER in a negative light. Of course she got bothered by that and told me she never thought those 2 were in any kind of relationship. She also let me know that she lived with him for awhile and she moved out. He never told me that. It made me think she was unimportant to him for him to be so vague with their “relationship”. I guess I can’t help but to think she didn’t mean much to him for him to move on so quickly with me when he could have easily have tried again with her…if he wanted to. I don’t see how some of yall don’t see these things….

    #617535 Reply

    Cari

    Ok Autumn.

    Well good luck to you. You have real winner there. You were probably better off pursuing the ex than staying with this chump.

    You say the ex wasn’t really being a friend to you but you weren’t really being a friend to her either. But you got your man honey. And you know what you’re dealing with. So if things go south, the only person who is responsible from here on out is you. YOU KNOW, he’s capable of cheating, lying and asking for money like you’re an atm, touching on women. So if he can pull a 180 for YOU, then I guess ANYTHING is possible. Good luck!

    #617540 Reply

    peggy

    There is enough material for a soap opera here-Autumn,maybe you should channel all this crap into a script. A script for disaster that is. All 3 of you sound loony-tunes.

    #617612 Reply

    LMNOP

    Autumn-

    You answered your own question ‘what does he want from me?’ in your original post.
    You said what he wants.
    You already know…

    He wants your money, sex, the freedom to do as he pleases, no consequences from you when he misbehaves and treats you poorly.
    He wants to see his ex, buy her furniture with your money, sleep with her when he can.
    He wants to go to touch strippers and spend YOUR money there too.
    He wants to act like an immature ‘boy’.

    He wants you to do everything and give you nothing good back.
    Worse, he gives you pain, doubt, fear, you question your value…

    Autumn, you sound like a big hearted, kind woman.
    TOO KIND.
    And that is your downfall with this man.

    You asked ‘why does he want to be with me?’
    A GOOD Man would say:
    You make my life better
    I want to make YOUR life better
    I can’t imagine my life without you
    I want to protect you
    I will never do anything to hurt you
    I hear you when you are upset and I will do anything to fix it

    This man does NONE of these things.

    And his ex is doing horrible things to continue to perpetuate his behaviour.
    And in turn it affects YOU.

    Autumn, you already KNOW this is a bad situation because you keep saying he should treat you better.
    You keep saying you have tried to fix it… but BOTH people have to work on it to make it better.
    You are outnumbered …
    HE is doing nothing to fix it and his ex is meddling and making it worse.

    You deserve to be loved and cherished.
    You DESERVE that… this man is the worst thing that could have happened to you.

    Autumn… RUN away from him as fast as you can.
    There IS a man out there who will accept your beautiful heart, your loving energy and GIVE IT BACK TO YOU TENFOLD!!
    Those men exist… they are not mythological creatures that live where unicorns play.
    You DESERVE a man like that Autumn.

    RUN Autumn… RUN
    But the longer you pour your love into a man who doesn’t deserve YOU the more it will break you.
    Let him live in the Hell he has created.
    Save yourself…

    #617628 Reply

    Autumn

    LMNOP,

    Thank you so very much for your thoughts and your kind words. I really needed to read them. I know I may sound foolish. And you’re right on everything you’ve mentioned to me. I do deserve someone who will assure me that he cares about me….someone who won’t cheat on me….. someone who, when they say they’ve blocked the ex, they actually did it….someone who will not use me for money, someone who will not give me so much drama.

    I really want to apologize for my opinions about the ex. At the end of the day, the reason why she was ever in the picture to begin with was because of him.

    Truthfully, all of the posts on here have helped me today. I’m kidding myself, everyday that 1) he’s not going to treat me how I deserve 2) he’s really not over the ex 3) he’s simply NOT a good man 4) he has no respect for anyone and that includes the ex.

    Cari, she doesn’t/didn’t deserve the things I’ve said about her. This has been a terrible ordeal for both of us. HE caused this, not her or anyone. HE DID. And a real man wouldn’t allow this to happen. If he loved me, the ex would have been out of the picture back in Late March when they broke up but he chose to contact her and continue to keep things going because he wasn’t over either her, or the hurt he had when they were together. I know he was very hurt by their breakup. I just didn’t want to come to terms with that much because I felt if I was just a better woman to him, he’d forget her but he doesn’t. He’s had issues before her. But she really hurt him and I guess he really hurt her. I felt hurt by her apologizing to him because in my mind, I know she has some kind of hold over her no matter how much I do for him or how much time I spend with him, his kids and his family. I don’t feel healthy mentally.

    He’s hurt me so much that even though I TRY to not feel broken, I still am. It’s hard, VERY HARD, for me to move on without him. I know in my heart of hearts, we will NOT work. I guess I just wanted to try until there was nothing left to try for. And I guess within these last 2 months, it seemed as though he saw he was going to lose me somehow and doing a little better, though there are times I feel like he starts arguments with me to end things on his own terms but I don’t cave.

    I’m sorry for how I’ve been. I really truly appreciate all the input that everyone has given me. I owe it to myself to do better.

    Thanks.

    #617630 Reply

    Autumn

    ANother thing you said
    “Let him live in the hell he’s created” is very true. that is one thing that the ex said to me. She said mentioned something similar…. something along the lines of ” He creates his own world he lives in and wants to be a victim in it” or something like that. Very true.

    #617632 Reply

    peggy

    Wow-Finally! Glad you are “getting” it and losing the denial-good for you. FYI,I would not wait around for the next piece of crap he is going to dole out. Just leave him now. I wish you the best moving forward.

    #617658 Reply

    Autumn

    Thanks alot peggy.

    Thanks for everyone who contributed to this thread.

    #617684 Reply

    Cari

    Thats great that you’re feeling this way but what happened? Because earlier you were praising about how much he’s changing….

    And I’m glad you’re sounding different towards the ex. But at the end of the day, since she’s gone and out of the picture, the only person that matters right now is you. I think the best thing you can do is simply lose contact with both of them( meaning your bf and the ex). There should be no reasons to continue on with being in any type of involvement with either one. I do agree with you, it does seem like he has some unresolved feelings towards the and maybe he needs to resolve them by THOSE 2 by talking it out and leaving you out of it. Maybe she did hurt him maybe he has deep rooted issues that stem from his past that he hasn’t dealt with. Either way, he doesn’t seem to respect you or her. He doesn’t even seem to respect himself. The reason why I say that is because you do seem to be a great woman to him and he must know that but not enough to treat you well enough to give you respect. So he must know at the end of the day he doesn’t deserve a good woman. Either way, his problems shouldn’t be yours.

    I agree with Peggy, I’d get out asap and not let this linger on and on and on. The longer you stay, the easier it will be for you to stay. Make a move NOW. Don’t stay and wait for him to baby step his way to treating you better. Leave NOW. Best of luck to you.

    #617732 Reply

    Autumn

    Cari,

    Well long story short,

    I noticed he’s been on his ex’s facebook page. I can’t believe he would check it and then leave the proof behind. I figured he’d usually cover his tracks. He can’t let her go. I haven’t told him I saw this because like I said before, I do have an exit strategy. He’s not over her. Now someone would tell me it may be nothing but I can’t take this anymore. I’m not even his type so I don’t know why he got his hooks into me so quickly. Believe me when I say that I am NOT his type physically. I will not play or continue to feel like I play second place to anyone.

    The thing is, the ex had told me how he’d treat her. He’d go through her phone, and she felt a few times he was following her. I believe her now. I have no reason to. I just refused to listen to all of that because it didn’t concern me as I don’t believe he’s ever gone through my phone (it’s password protected) and even if he did, he’d find nothing. I can’t take this anymore I can’t and I won’t!

    #617736 Reply

    Shoshannah

    Good for you, Autumn! RUN!

    #617737 Reply

    LMNOP

    Oh Autumn!!
    Good for you!!
    I am so very, very happy to read that you are finally seeing what this man has done to you!!
    And you deserve NONE of his poor treatment!

    Don’t apologise for loving someone.
    Love is the ultimate gift we can give another human being.
    But NOW is the time to learn the lesson of who will reciprocate our love with a good and pure heart.
    And NOW is the time to learn who is not worthy of our efforts.

    This man is not the one!!
    This is throwing pearls before swine.

    Autumn, your beautiful heart and fierce love is not meant for this man.

    It is a wonderful quality you possess to try and absolve his ex of any wrong doing, but she is not good for you in your life either.
    Do not continue to throw good after bad.
    Cut her out now.

    NOW is when you need to focus on yourself and heal your hurts.
    These are old hurts and have just come to manifest on this man.

    You need to sort out WHY you couldn’t see that this man was abusing and using your love to this level.

    Seek professional help.
    I mean that will all the love I can muster.
    There is no shame in saying ‘I need help’.

    Therapy is NOT a criticism of who you are… it will HELP you discover yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, find your old hurts from childhood and from past relationships.

    We are all a product of what we have experienced and there is a REASON why it took this much for you to see that this man did not have your well being in mind.

    STRONG people take stock and learn how to grow and move forward.
    You are STRONG and you can do this.

    Autumn, honey I wish you all the best in the world.
    You DESERVE it.
    The sooner you can see that for yourself, the better.

    Yes, you will still falter, you will still make mistakes…but you are HUMAN.
    And a beautiful human at that.
    REMEMBER that when a man tries to tell you that you are less.
    You are NOT less…
    Kick anyone to the curb who tries to make you settle for less than you deserve.

    Brava Autumn!!
    Brava!!
    The best time to plant a tree is 20yrs ago…the second best time is NOW.
    (I read that somewhere so I can’t take credit)
    But-
    Don’t waste any more time.

    #617826 Reply

    Autumn

    Thank you all for your words. I’m just not in a good headspace right now. I stayed at my office last night.

    Me and the ex do not talk anymore. The last thing I told her was to not contact him anymore and wished she’d never contacted him and best of luck to her. I know now that being in touch with her was not helping and she even said that. She even suggested that we not talk about him but I was venting to her which was my own fault. SHE was the one who mentioned that we shouldn’t bring him up because it wouldn’t help things and if she and I were to build some kind of friendship, that we must talk about other things. But I still vented a little here and there. I should have stopped. She’s really not a horrible person…. she’s just not someone I need to make as my friend for obvious reasons. I want to hate her so much, I really do. Just knowing day in and day out I wasn’t good enough for him to be with just me. He doesn’t deserve my love or even worthy of it. I need to get out of this headspace I’m in.

    I sit here thinking about how I can’t believe I fell for his bs. I want him to hurt but not as much as I’m hurting but to understand that I’m hurt.

    He’d say so many things to me like I should be lucky that he “chose” me because he gets hit on by women at least 10 times a day. And that he could EASILY have cheated on me but didn’t because he “wouldn’t do that to me”. SMH.

    This is what I’ve been thinking about…. ALL the things he said to me.

    #617838 Reply

    Newbie

    I skipped the last page. No i dont want him to treat you better. I want you to treat yourself better and find another man in time thaf treats you over the moon better than this man.
    Again i dont understand what is so difficult im being single in stead of dealing with this man.

    #617863 Reply

    Cari

    Autumn you said,

    “He’d say so many things to me like I should be lucky that he “chose” me because he gets hit on by women at least 10 times a day. And that he could EASILY have cheated on me but didn’t because he “wouldn’t do that to me”. SMH.”

    He said this to you, while asking you for money, and cheating( you said you suspected it) disrespecting you and you stayed? Why? What was the whole reasoning for you to stay in this “relationship” for as long as you did? I guess out of all of this is what I am curious about. I really do hope that you do choose to stay away from this. It may not be easy to do but please know you’ll find better than this. How pathetic of a guy is he to say that to you. My gosh I don’t know this “man” but I don’t see how he can live with himself.

    #618016 Reply

    Autumn

    Cari,

    Yes he did say that. He just doesn’t have much respect for me.

    I read back the things that I mentioned alone, in this thread and I read back some of the messages that the ex had sent me…. it was somewhat of a reminder so I wouldn’t go back.

    I feel so stupid. It’s weird because within those conversations I’ve had with the ex, she didn’t realize she was creating a deeper hole for him each time.

    She said he’d never tell her that he was with me or with someone, only with his kids. He mentioned to her that this was a “take it or leave it” situation and that it’s “not the way it seems” why on earth would he tell her that? I know I know, to keep the sex going. She said it only further made her not want to have any part of him in her life.

    This devastates me because why would he get involved with me in the first place? I know you all don’t have the answers I guess I can’t stop thinking about all of this!

    #618018 Reply

    peggy

    He got involved with you,Autumn because he could. You were vulnerable and eager to accept his bullsh*t. Now,be proud,grateful that you have “woken up”. Go forward and stop looking back,except as a reminder never to sacrifice yourself, your dignity,again in the name of “love”. His actions were not loving-just self-centered.

    #618019 Reply

    Anon

    We know why you are still stuck deep where you are today.

    We know that you have low self esteem and boundary. We all know it is time for you to seek therapy.

    Your therapy need help you to address why your life donee not start with you but him. Where is your unhealthy thinking comes from.

    You need to do whatever it takes to survive, please start today.
    Good luck

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