What does he want from me?


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  • #611196 Reply

    Nat

    Why is every unusually dramatic story a fake post? I think we have very few fake posts here.

    Autumn, don’t think of your self worth or low self esteem. You cannot just will your self esteem to raise. But what you can do is understand what kind of person he is and decide if you want to be with such a man. You can have feelings for him and you might have those feelings lingering for a long time but do you want to be with such a man?

    12 years difference is a huge difference. For a man of low nature like yours this gives him justification, in his mind, to treat you poorly. You being older. Do not deal with younger men unless they consistently behave with tact, respect, care, and show you love and attention.

    Your plan sounds good. Get ready and leave him. He is going to whine for you to come back, don’t give in. A person who can treat another person this way, any other person let alone his GF is an a-le. Stay away from a-les.

    Next time, use this trick. You start seeing a guy, you notice ONE disrespectful thing (imagine yourself as another person), pull the plug right away. I am not saying a small thing, something of significance. Just tell yourself that you ARE ready to do that and see how your life will change. Just being ready to do that mentally will make a difference on how men treat you, it will also make a difference on what men you’d get involved with. You’d be able to sniff out a douchebag very quickly.

    #611224 Reply

    Liberty

    OP quote “I do feel that even though I feel betrayed by her contacting him to apologize, that she didn’t want to hurt me in showing me the messages he gave her. I believe that I need physical proof or him hitting me ( sad I know) for me to actually leave because then I know that he did wrong and i have the proof ( on my face or in texts) to never go back to him.”

    Heaven help my soul – are there really women that exist like this in a “relationship”?

    Please I am not trying to judge or shame…

    My heart actually broke reading the above.

    My goodness – I feel a certain hatred for this man and I don’t even know him. He has lowered your humanity to nothingness.

    Based on what you wrote – where do you draw the foundation of your love for him from? I do not see anything in him from what you describe to make him a loveable man. Worst part is that you are exposing your children to this man with such poor character who is treating you like a piece of trash.

    All these drama and chaos is going to leave you broken.

    Please get out of this madness if not for anything else but for the health and wellbeing of your children. This is a very bad example and certainly not a good environment for them at all – and most definitely not for you to be in.

    I pray you gather the strength and confidence to see that you deserve better and get out of this madness.

    He is a low-life…

    #611309 Reply

    Autumn

    Thank you Newbie, Nat , and Liberty.

    I know in this moment as I messaged you all and ask for advice ( which I know is deeper than a message boardbut it seems like that happens often where people seek help from others online) that I do not like to feel this broken. I considered myself to be strong, especially after what I had to endure with my ex husband. That experience landed me in the hospital for 11 days. I felt a sense of protection to my daughters by hiding the abuse from them ( yes I know that wasn’t a great idea but that is their father) but I was so young then. Iconsidered myself to be a bit smarter than what I am now. I don’t see myself “fixing” him but rather, letting him know how I feel and want to be treated.

    @Newbie, you mentioned that the whole dynamic is off. Do you mind to explain why you feel that way?

    I want to thank everyone who shared their opinions to me. I want you all to know that your words will not go in vein. I couldn’t sleep last night because I thought long and hard about my situation. I feel like sometimes, this situation has gotten the best of me but I try not to allow that. Truthfully, I’ve given him alot of me but he will never get the best of me, at least, I hope it hasn’t.

    #611348 Reply

    Newbie

    What i meant with the dynamic is off is really everything about the relationship. This guy will never respect you, because you put up with it. And you put up with it because you dont respect yourself, maybe because of your past. So asking isnt gonna help, but making yourself a priority will.
    Look at this guy: he cheats,he makes you pay for stuif, problably mooching of a lot more than a diner, you bent over backwards for his birthday and he goes to a stripclub in stead.
    Youre not married, you dont have kids together. Maybe the both of you are living in your house. Throw him out and change the lock. And then work on your self love. With a therapist. You can be happy but you need to do the work

    #611359 Reply

    Autumn

    Newbie,

    Thank you for explaining. You’re right about sadly. I hold on to the times when I feel like it appears he’s trying.

    This is why I asked everyone about him telling me about the phone call that the ex made to him. He said he didn’t want to keeps any secrets in our relationship…though I know it caused some problems in our relationship… I felt like he was slowly but learning to have some respect in our relationship and doesn’t want to lose me…

    #611361 Reply

    Shoshannah

    Autumn, the saddest thing is that… you keep asking this question – about the situation with the ex. You are holding on to some hope – that one small thing that he said may possibly mean that he wants to improve, that he considered you for a second…

    I didn’t take part in this discussion, because I feel like I am not competent, such a forum in not the place to address such issues, I don’t want to judge either. But I thought that the thing that I wrote above hasn’t been noticed so far. Think about it! You’re lingering to hope – because of one small thing that he said, whereas there are plenty things that clearly show that there is no chance for the two of you.

    I think a good question that someone asked is – why do you love him? What for? He seems nothing but pain.

    #611383 Reply

    Autumn

    Shoshannah

    I do apologize to you, I didn’t see your other posting as I tried to read and take in everything that everyone has mentioned. My apologies for it to seem like it was going unnoticed. I do appreciate you ( as well as others) taking the time out to read my posting and sharing your thoughts on my situation. Truthfully, I don’t know why I love him.

    I have to think that I gravitated towards him in the beginning because he wanted to commit so fast. He wanted for us to build a future and for me to move in with him. I know that I must build up my self esteem and worth for me to easily believe him. Especially since he’s been showing disrespect for awhile now. I don’t know WHY he pursued me, I don’t appear to be his type. He showed a sense of vulnerability to him when we were first moving my things into his house. He told me that he did the whole “grass is greener” thing in past relationships and would lose a whole lot if we didn’t work out. I told him I’d be losing alot too, then he said that he’d be losing more. I always trusted that when he told me that he and the ex were just friends, I believed him. He also mentioned to me that he felt that he shouldn’t have to end their friendship just because he was starting a new relationship with me. He KNEW I didn’t like for him to be still in contact with his ex. He KNEW.

    We’ve met each others families. I have his family on my fb page. I figured why would he want to disrespect me or our relationship by cheating. For him to want to share rental property with me, showed to me someone who was very committed. I guess I am just still so shocked out at all of what I’ve put up with , believed and fell for.

    The worst part about all of this is how stupid I WAS and still AM, by the way he was so disrespectful to the ex. She had suspected him of calling her privately a few months ago and told our mutual friend of that in a passing conversation. THta mutual friend tells me and of course I confront my man about it. He then calls her up to cuss her out and calling her a whore and accused her of sleeping with these men in front of me. He felt he was accomplishing something by letting me know she’s a whore but he didn’t. And to make matters worse… he threatens her with sex videos he made of those 2 when they were together and sending it to these men he thought she was sleeping with. And TELLS me about it. He just got so mad at her. But a few weeks later ( according to the ex) he calls her to apologize for disrespecting her. For her to only call to apologize the following week about her part in all of the drama.

    Why am I still with him? Well we won’t be questioning that for long. As I am sitting here thinking about all of the mess he’s done and the way he’s treated both me and other people….

    #611386 Reply

    Autumn

    Another thing…. I believe that body art is fine. I do. I have no issues with Tattoos, I want to make that clear. But what I was confused about and should have been a red flag to me ( as well as other signs) is that month after they broke up, and when we made things official, he gets 3 tattoos

    1. Harley Quinn character holding a human heart
    2. a voodoo doll holding a heart
    3. the word DAMAGED

    I should have known that he was feeling some sense of emotion or maybe the tattoos were moot?

    #611478 Reply

    Shoshannah

    I guess I wouldn’t treat tatoos as red flags either, but other things you mentioned – definitely: rushing things in the begining, showing his ‘vulnerability’ – sounds like a typical abusive cycle, a guy gets you hooked quickly and as soon as you are hooked, the abuse starts.

    About the ex… he got mad at her? He’s just a creep, a control freak, no amount of anger can explain what he’s doing.

    As for why you love him – have you hear of trauma bonding?

    I’m sorry, I’m not a psychologist (and most people here aren’t…), I don’t think I can really help. these are just some thoughts that I had after reading your last posts.

    #611481 Reply

    Shoshannah

    Also, no need to apologize (twice!). You sound like a person who apologizes too much, which combined with who you’re with, is even more heartbreaking…

    #611520 Reply

    Autumn

    @ L is it? The only person certified here is you. You manage to troll peoples postings with your unnecessary comments. Noticed I’ve ignored you, up until this point. Grow up.

    And thank you for your comments Shoshannah, yes I just apologized because I thought I missed your posting. Again thank your for your opinions. The tattoos are a red flag becasue he mentioned they were “part of his past” when he really got them the MONTH we got involved.

    As for the ex, it bothered me because he is so emotionally invested in her still, for him to feel like it’s okay to exploit her like that. He’s not a nice person who I simply cannot be with much longer.

    #611617 Reply

    Alterego

    This is a recipe for disaster- a woman with no self-esteem and a typical bas***d. You both have issues unfortunately and this isn’t going to work. You need to walk away from that “man” and focus on getting better. He sounds like a terrible loser to me and no matter what happens or how bad you want it- things will just get worse and worse. Don’t even think of any other possibilities.

    #611649 Reply

    Autumn

    @ Alterego

    What issues do you feel he has besides being a complete jerk and a–hole?

    #611666 Reply

    Sam

    Where are your kids in all of this? You rather analyze his behavior and conversations with the ex.. but not protect your children? That makes you an abuser too.

    #611672 Reply

    Autumn

    Sam,

    Thank you for your reply but my “kids” are fine. They are grown and have their own place. They are in their 20s and live out of the house. How does that make me an abuser again? I am here to talk about my relationship issues. Not the well being of my children as they are fine. Have you not been reading or are you just trying to pick apart my parenting to make this whole ordeal even worse than it actually is? My kids are just fine. The relationship isn’t. If I felt like my grown kids were in an danger ( and they aren’t) then I’d be here talking about my parenting. Not my poor taste in men.

    #612115 Reply

    Cari

    Autumn,

    Could you PLEASE wake up and smell the d— coffee!!!

    Where to start…
    first off, he doesn’t seem to care one single thing about you and knows exactly what you’ll put up with..

    second, why are you having conversations with the ex?

    And I noticed that you keep wondering about him telling you the ex calling him is a way of him wanting to not keep secrets? What about other secrets? He probably just didn’t want to get caught.
    I don’t know if he still loves the ex or not but CLEARLY he is still gravitated towards her to be cheating on you with her the entire time of your relationship with him.

    When did they break up again? How long was it that you two got together verses how long they broke up? Did it not occur to you that even though you JUST met him 2 months prior moving in with him, that you needed to take some time to get to know him FIRST before moving in with him? 2 months is not enough time to know someone and move in with him. You’re sharing the bills already, he dumped you because you thought 2 two were going to split the property and you went back?

    Please please please, if you’re not going to seek counselling, then please find some way to get some self worth and confidence to leave this “man”. He will not change and if he does show you some type of “change”…it will be temporary and it’s only going smooth things over to get some money out of you.

    I think it’s horrible that you had to pay for not only yourself, him and his son but right in front of your own family. He didn’t seem to care about how that would be did he? Or even how much respect that is for you on your birthday?

    Please do yourself a favor and LEAVE this man. IF you have some other place to live, go there and stay away from him. He does not care about you.maybe just your money and that’s it. Did he treat the ex like this or any other exes like this? Please think long and hard about staying with this guy.

    #612225 Reply

    redcurleysue

    You are stuck in minutia and that saves you from looking at the total picture. You need to step way back and find the BIG RED FLAG waving.

    Who cares who said what to who…..who give a damn? Look around you….take a good hard look…you are in a living hell.

    It is unfortunate that you are wasting your energy to come up with every excuse to stay in a horrid situation. What you need is total support….start with a group of abused women if you cannot find it in yourself to get a therapist at first. You need serious help. You have cheated yourself, your precious self all these years, of a better life.

    How many women here have said it “BREAKS their heart” just to read what you have written. It breaks mine too. Please, please get help. If you could see that I am close to tears just hoping you will reach out….this is a first step….take another.

    #612232 Reply

    Autumn

    Thank you Cari and redcurleysue for your words.

    Wow Cari, it was tough to read what you posted but I have to agree with you.

    I have wondered why he’s with me and it may be for the money. I just don’t know why on earth it would be just for that though. And he and the ex broke up in Late March according. From what I’ve learned, he has a pattern of rebounding after each relationship. And thank you for your opinion about the reason why he told me about the ex calling him.,….Maybe he DID want to tell me before the ex could. But I guess it just makes me think, that he cares somewhat to tell me and not let her say anything ( yes I agree with you redcurleysue, it doesn’t matter who told what to whom but this whole ordeal has been a “he said she said” thing that I am tired of). I don’t know if he’s necessarily “gravitated” to the ex, maybe just USED her for sex because she was willing but he used and played her big time.

    And redcurleysue,

    You’re right. I do agree. There have been some major red flags waving at me and I understand that I need to see them and move on.Do you really feel like he’s abusing me? Please explain how you feel like he is? I understand your thoughts on my own self because of the past relationship.

    I do see the postings where people say that it breaks their heart and I don’t like how my situation has caused hurt for other people. It means alot to me that anyone would show compassion to ME. Believe me, I don’t trust him and don’t think I ever have or ever will so I don’t see us lasting in the long run. The only big thing that I have to move out of the house is my bed, other than that, I have less than a truck load. I know that if I leave him, he’ll be miserable. He is one that doesn’t eat when he’s depressed over a woman. He has lost an increasingly amount of weight since we’ve been together alone. When we met last year in April, he didn’t look like this. So I know he’s not happy with me either. Again, I don’t know why we are even with each other.

    #612238 Reply

    Cari

    Autumn,

    Well I don’t see how he “used and played” her as much as I can see how he used and played, well STILL playing you. I’m not trying to defend the ex here as I don’t know her but he’s clearly doing that monkeybranching. They break up in late march and you 2 get together in April 10th …. I had to go back an reread your OP. You are CLEARLY a rebound so that lets me know all that I need to know. He’s with you because he simply cannot be alone and wants to spend YOUR money. I’m not trying to be rude or disrespectful to you but you asked what he wants from you, right? Well, he wants your money and your attention.

    He’s using and playing you every single day by lying to you enough to keep the money coming in because you give it to him,still probably. Stop giving him money and see what happens.

    You must see something in his actions if you are putting things in storage, right? And I do question why you are STILL with him after he showed his Arse in front of your family by allowing you to pay for your own birthday dinner. How much of an arse does he need to be for you to actually just LEAVE? It’s not just about the money, but your self worth and you must not have much of it.

    You are attacking the ex as if she’s the problem. She’s not. The problem is how you feel about yourself and how you allow him to constantly treat you. He may not have hit ( thankfully he hasn’t) but he’s doing far worse in my opinion, by manipulating you every day. Look at how he just felt up a woman at a strip club in front of you during a private dance and you STAYED!!!!!! Did you say something to him then?? Or did you just allow it to happen until the birthday night you planned for him that he tried to change up?

    I guess I am tired of people staying in relationships because they don’t want to be alone and feeling like being single is a problem. It really isn’t. Plus there are plenty of fish in the sea.

    #612241 Reply

    redcurleysue

    Ok, if you back up enough you see you are being emotionally abused. Cari made good points on this….

    Surely you know relationships that are not like yours….where a man does not take his GF to a strip club and demands services or has her pay for her own B-day dinner.

    You need support…you need to take action….you need to do that now for yourself.

    #612263 Reply

    Autumn

    redcurleysue,

    I had to think about it. When we do argue, he apologizes only to tell me that I was “doing dumb SH–” that caused him to act in that way. Placing the blame on me in the arguments. I guess that is a classic case of emotional abuse. TPlus mistreating me at the strip club, made me a little sick inside because of how little he thinks of our relationship. Not only that but other instances as well that I haven’t mentioned. The fact that he went on with the ex makes me feel like I’m not enough for him. The fact that he didn’t tell the ex about us in the first place, only to go on with her, buy her furniture for her apartment, taking her out to lunches in public, having sex with her, taking her to a birthday party and leaving me home when we were supposed to celebrate our 5 month anniversary that evening. ALL of this just pisses me off. I don’t think things will get better. But with my still being here ( yes I have an exit strategy) I do hold on to the littlest things that he does because no one wants to believe that they are being used for financial stability. I do have some anger towards the ex because he chose to cheat with her, not some stranger. Of course I’m not going to think nice things about her. I’m not attacking he or anyone, just stating my thoughts on them. If he still loves her, it’s something I’ll have to accept as well as other things. It hurts me more than anything because I never want to believe that. It just hurts, all of this hurts. I’m hurt.

    I want to let it be known that I do not plan on staying with him. My whole reasoning for this thread is why does he want ME? I hold on to the smallest things Julie, because it sadly, gives me hope that he may care, somewhat, about me. I love him, sadly. I know that I need to leave him. I do appreciate all the people who have contributed to this thread to help me. I do. And yes I kept asking about him telling me about the call because it DID make me feel like he considered our relaltionship for once.

    #612271 Reply

    Leslie

    Three pages and you are asking why he wants you? He doesn’t want you! That’s why he is treating you lower than dirt. But you can’t get it through your thick head.

    I guess he will have to invite her into your bed with him and maybe that will give you a clue.

    Funny thing is this, some men can’t chase a woman away no matter how badly they treat her. You are one of them.

    You need mental health help that goes beyond the scope of what anyone here can offer.

    #612283 Reply

    Cari

    Leslie he sure does want her girl! Come on now! He wants her money and sex, now that the ex decided to stop giving it to him!

    He’s the worst of the worse possible kind of “man”. But she loves him.

    This is sad. Really sad Autumn. Since you’re still in that house with him, stop giving him money and sex and see if he stays with you or dumps you. He’ll carry on with another chick for sure. Best of luck to you Autumn because you need it. And trust when I say, the ex is not the problem here. It’s him. He doesn’t love you or care about you. Nor will he ever and even if he did come clean to you about the ex calling him, doesn’t mean SH– to me. Did he come clean about the whole conversation? Probably not since he is allergic to the truth apparently.

    #612365 Reply

    Autumn

    Cari,

    Yes I know how “sad” this looks but like I mentioned a few times already in this thread,I don’t see us working out as I don’t trust him and don’t believe that he can treat me in a way that I deserve to be treated. He’s just simply not a nice person. I do plan on leaving, though I know there are times it seems like he may just be learning on how to treat me, he turns around and mistreats me again. Basically, I do hope for the best in any situation. I didn’t know that that was such an odd thing to do but sure. He may not love or care about me but I don’t see him loving or caring about the ex either. So basically, he doesn’t care about anyone, not even himself. I do expect for him to carry on with someone( because I don’t think he’d be stupid enough to try again with the ex), I really do and once I find out, I’ll be gone and there will be nothing he can do to ask for me back. My things will be packed and I will not come back.

    #612367 Reply

    Shoshannah

    I think I misunderstood this. You wait for him to find someone else, and it’s only then that you want to leave him? Why?

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