Wants space, but remains in contact. Need advise

Ugh, this is sort of awful, like he’s giving you the bare minimum response to keep you on the hook but not even acknowledging he ignored you for a week.

Honestly, I would be direct at this point. “I’m glad to hear you are ok– I’m doing well overall but must be honest that it was confusing to me not to hear from you for a such a long time. I’m not sure those kinds of long gaps in communicate work very well for me”

Honest, direct, not angry or anything, but you need to let him know how this made you feel I think or you won’t see a change.

I mean I like Alli’s suggestion LOL. (I also like mine haha)

I see your point, but I think he’s running lukewarm as it is and you aren’t getting what you need so if he shuts the tap off, this just nips things in the bud.

If you want to wait until this weekend ok– but don’t you think you really need to talk to him about this? There is no harm in letting a man know that something didn’t sit right with you, if you do it in a kind no accusatory way.

I’ve had to learn that skill myself because my ex was explosive so I couldn’t ever bring anything up.

But with my current BF, if something is off, we talk about it. We’ve never had a fight, but I certainly feel comfortable letting him know that something confused me etc.

I really think he needs to know that you need more communication than this.

Alia – Love it, that is awesome…..needed that laugh! :)

Hi J1, I’m not sure if you have read the whole thread.

That texting style is pretty common from him to be honest. So that didn’t bother me. But yeah, definitely could of been warmer.

Maybe your right, I really have no idea.

hi katherine,

I think you are a very nice woman and very considerate. The thing is, he is not considerate of you. While you always being careful on what to respond to him to keep your relationship going unfortunately, he is not. Don’t you think this is also something you need to ponder?
If the guy really loves you, and he knows he’s going to lose you no matter what’s going on in his life he will make sure not to lose you. I don’t know why inspite of all the pain he is causing you, you still don’t want to let him know hurt you are? if he gets upset and break up, so what? i think you’re soo nice for this guy and i hope you’re not settling for less than you deserve.

Katherine,
I read the entire thread. There are several things to consider. I think no relationship is immune to one party wanting to leave, regardless of friends and family being involved. If you realise this man is not right for you, would you stay because you met the family? That’s not reason enough to stay. There are couples divoicing after many happy years.
Many men these days don’t want to tell the girls that they lost that feeling for them. Why? Because they don’t want to hurt you so they mistakenly behave in a way to give you a hint. They think it’s less hurtful – it’s the opposite actually.
Besides he might not be ready for a relationship and he might need a FWB.
We don’t know how he thinks but one thing is for sure: no man who values his GF goes a week without talking to her if he’s inlove with her and he wouldn’t turn down seing her while he cleans his house.
I guess. .he’s gone fishing…

Why the extreme advice of breaking up? I think it is important to look at the big picture. This guy has been great up to a week ago. There are legitimate reasons for him behaving the way he is behaving which is consistent with how men behave under stress. It has been a while since I have read relationship books, but Men are From Mars and Women are from Venus talks a lot about this exact issue. Christian Carter also discusses this. Both are men who give women relationship advice so they may have an insight.

At this point it seems to me the most effective way to support Katherine is to help her feel better until she can talk to him. Not fuel the fire of speculation.

Katherine, for whatever it is worth looking into the male psyche, I just got this email from a male friend of mine responding to me after I had been out of touch for a few months.

“Sorry to hear that life has been that stressful. That would explain the lack of visibility on the radar.”

For him my behavior was normal from a male perspective.

I don’t condone his behavior. But I can understand it. Also this misguided belief that men who are in love will move mountains is highly exaggerated probably in large part from Hollywood movies. It depends on the individual man and what he is capable of. You don’t expect a first grader to be able to handle calculus. Despite a man being in love with a woman, if he is an alcoholic he won’t be able to quit just out of his love for a woman. I know extreme example, but I think giving you advice to break up is extreme.

So a man who is stressed out may or may not be capable of reaching out depending on his own psychological make up. It can be easy to negate this idea from a woman’s point of view, but we are wired differently and how we (men and women) respond differently to stimuli is a psychological and physiological fact. Women assuming and transferring how they feel on to a man and assuming he will feel this way is where a lot of relationship issues come up. This is another topic Christian Carter covers.

There is another man, Gotlieb who has done studies on men’s ability to handle stress. He hooks up men and women to sensors and discusses a difficult topic with a couple. When a man and woman get upset, the woman de-stresses a whole lot faster than a man does. A man will stay agitated for a lot longer and affects him more profoundly. This is one reason most men will avoid fights with their significant other. Or avoid other issues when already stressed out.

I know this situation sucks. I have been in it myself. I know the angst, the over analysis, and the disconnect are difficult to deal with. However, I think it is too soon to talk break up. Is he worth giving the benefit of the doubt to? Understanding that men withdraw when under stress.

Once he is back and you have a chance to talk and feeling and connected again, that is when you can tell him this type of behavior does not work for you and figure out a way where he can have his needs met of withdrawing and your needs met of some form of contact.

But it seems a shame to me to throw away something because you are learning to work with each other through life challenges.

I am done beating this dead horse. I do hope that every thing works out for you and that this is an opportunity for you two to grow closer. I wish you well.

Oooh he’s playing with you!! This is clear now. Even though he is going through something, your future relationship will be on his whim and that won’t be compatible for you long term. Everything is am excuse, the reception, the stress. Stress is real but nothing is all consuming in that regard. He is not the first to lose and he won’t be the last and same for you with this relationship.

My biggest ugh to this is how casual his response to you was and his lack of trying to connect with you. Those particular words could have been sent to his aunt, co worker, anyone. Why to the GF? No intimacy at all.

At this point I would just wait until he returns but I would seriously be taking huge step back and see if he fills I. The space at his point…if e doesn’t then I would be I. Break up mode! We all deal with situations differently so I was giving him the benefit of the doubt based on the extraordinary circumstances he’s had to deal wih.

My BF’s dog of 15 years died when he was out to sea last month and he didn’t pull back at all, in fact, he kept me the loop and needed me during this difficult time. I just recently felt the FIRST pull back from him last week, after 1.5 years togerltet but I KNEW the weather was really crappy and fraying in his nerves. I did nothing but try to push my nice weather to him and gave him the space he needed. After a few days he sprang night back to his normal self and is now over communicating lol

We all deal with stuff differently so I naturally give them them the room/space to deal with it in the ay THEY NEED without taking it personally. You know him better than wee do so what’s your gut telling you? Our instincts gives us the answer when we listen to it—-what’s yours telling you?

Thanks again to each and all of you for your support and advice during this time, it really has helped.

After another restless night I’ve decided to message him looking for honesty and an answer of where we are at. I have broken up with him, more put it back on him. I can’t contbiue to live in limbo with him. This was my message:

Hi ***, glad to hear that work is busy for and so glad to hear you are doing well.
Sorry I didn’t get back to you yesterday, I actually wasn’t sure how to respond. This past week I understand completely that you have been dealing with a hell of allot and you really have so much on your plate right now.
But I have notified a change in your behaviour towards me, usually we have a chat each night, but for some reason or another you have stopped and I’m have been left wondering if you are actually all that interested in continuing on being in a relationship with me.

Like I said, I understand completely you have been dealing with allot of pressure and the loss of your mate and also yiu dog. However shutting me out like this has left me extremely confused where I stand with you.

Something has changed and I get the feeling you have checked out of this relationship and are too scared to tell, for fear of hurting me. Prolonging something like this is actually worse if you can’t see yourself being with me.

I really would prefer you just say to me that your done, so I can start to get over you and move on. If you can’t ring me Tim, a single text will do.

I really am sorry to put this on you while your at work, but I havent had the best week either as I care about you a great deal ***, so I need to work out what going on with us.

I really would appreciate you either give me a ring when you have time. Or at least just acknowledge this message in some form x

Should of proofed read my message to him! as my stupid changes my grammar