Wants space, but remains in contact. Need advise


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This topic contains 210 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Newbie 3 years, 4 months ago.

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  • #700584 Reply

    emcee

    I’m sorry you are in pain.

    But this is the time you need to be more kinder to yourself. Even if it hurts now, you deserve a lot way better! 7 months is not short but it’s also not long either so be thankful that you get to know him like that. Let’s say he is just going through something at the moment, would you like a man to treat you like that every time he is facing problems in life? It will hurt for now, but this is the time you have to focus on yourself. Just ignore that man now and try to fill your days with friends and family. you’ll get through this!

    #700589 Reply

    kenz

    Katherine,
    So sorry. As others and alia said, your reactions are not in line with his disrespect. As far as your text goes, you should have responded as Newbie said! He owed you a conversation. He checked out of the relationship for reasons I suspect have little to do with him being busy or your hot/cold comment. As an aside, I highly doubt he was that hurt over your comment….he had to of known he was behaving differently. If he was that hurt over such a comment, then there is something seriously wrong with him.

    Take lots of time for yourself now and DO NOT blame yourself for any of this. I think you’re much better off without this guy…in time I think you will start to see that more clearly. Let the next guy work for you and earn all that you have to offer :)

    #700971 Reply

    Katherine

    I know everyone must be sick to death of this by now, but the last few days really have been so emotionally challenging, I really miss this man and I know that he doesn’t deserve it from the way he has treated me these past few weeks.

    I keep going over everything in my head trying to make sense of everything. Worst thing is, I keep thinking about all the things I must of done to cause this, which I know isn’t the right thing to do. But I keep thinking, maybe I just didn’t give him the amount of space he needed, maybe I was too emotionally needy and made it all about me and my own feelings.

    It really hurts when I think about the fact that I was no longer a priority for him and he chose to have his mates over on the weekend and then head to his home town, rather than seeing me. It leaves me confused when he read all my snap chat stories over the weekend.

    When I went and collected my things from his place, he had them all packed neatly in a box. I realised he wouldn’t of done that if I didn’t ask, he wasn’t asking me to come get my things. When I picked them up, he had all Easter Eggs in there, so he must of brought me Easter Eggs and didn’t get a chance to give them to me. That broke my heart.

    I really honestly thought he might of contacted me by now, just fought for me a little bit :(

    #700981 Reply

    Ali

    I’m sorry. It must be rough. In retrospect I think your sister was right. He obviously wasn’t invested or he would have put up a least a bit of a fight. He wasn’t man enough to end it himself so just faded / gave so little attention to you that you had the burden of ending it. That’s not the kind of man you deserve or want in your life. Something better is in store for you I promise !

    #700983 Reply

    Hannah

    You need to look at this differently. He had plenty of chances to give you the Easter eggs. He just didn’t bother. And Easter?! That was over a month ago. It’s telling he still had them nearly 6 weeks on and had made no effort to see you for all that time.

    Aren’t you angry about that?

    #700988 Reply

    Laura

    Girl, the best you have now is letting time sink it in his head you are gone. And when he comes knocking again, shut the door in his face!! Your feelings didn’t matter during This time and that’s not okay. Never forget that.

    The good news is that one day, because you know what this rejection feels like, when someone comes along and DOESN’T treat you this way, you will be able to be completely grateful and appreciative of it. Dating has its perks that manifest later.

    In time, you’ll have a new perspective and be a stronger woman for it.

    #700991 Reply

    Newbie

    Post what you like. Thats what the forum is for. Its not about amything you did. Yeah maybe you got too dependant early on, but thats an easy trap if the guy is seriously courting you. I would have been confused about the way he acted too. Ask him. Text him you collected your things and left the key. Next step will be deleting his number but you would like to kmow what changed for him and why he wasnt upfront in telling you. But instead just ignored you. And that you respect better after a 7 months relationship. Take care amd hugs

    #701012 Reply

    anna

    Katherine,
    Sorry you are in pain. I had a similar situation happen to me a couple years ago. He basically just started to fade and didn’t break up with me or directly tell me what was going on. So I had no real choice but to accept the relationship was over. A couple months later I saw a picture of him with a new girlfriend. That was very painful, but then I got very angry and this anger allowed me to take all the necessary steps to move on from this guy. Your guy really disrespected you and you should be angry about that.

    I’m now completely over said guy and view him very differently than I did before….He’s got some major issues that have nothing to do with me and I’m so thankful I didn’t end up with him!! If this guy came riding in on a white horse, I truly wouldn’t want him back. I think one day you’ll feel like this too! Focus on yourself…see friends/family, eat well, workout. The heartache and longing will pass.

    #701016 Reply

    nne

    I agree, you should not have sent that last pitiful text. He probably only read the first sentence. He is sick of your clinging and whining.

    You screwed yourself by hanging in this long.

    He wasn’t your soulmate.

    Don’t continue to unload your feelings on him.

    #701019 Reply

    Becky

    Going back through your interactions with this guy is completely normal to do when the guy fades to see what part you had in this- but what part did he also have. I think that it was mean on his part to put the Easter eggs in your things- what does that even mean. One thing to do is to read back through these posts and see how angry you were with the way he treated you. It’s easy to remember the great times- but play the whole movie out to see all that actually happened and how he made you feel.

    #701225 Reply

    Katherine

    nne – I really don’t think he can claim to be “sick of me being clinging and whining”….as I have acted like any normal person would that cares allot for their partner and then they suddenly stopped contacting you or making time to see you. When their personality changes and the way they act around you changes for no apparent reason, I couldn’t just simply shrug it off and think “ah well”……I needed answers and he definitely needed to know how I felt. I have never had to act like this around him before, as he has NEVER done this to me before in the whole 7 months.

    #701274 Reply

    Anna

    Katherine,
    Ignore any of the judgmental mean spirited posts. It seems to happen on this forum frequently. There’s a lot of kind posters too though who actually offer helpful advice. Focus on that

    #702605 Reply

    Katherine

    Update: Yep, it’s a lengthy one…

    After 9 days of no communication from either of us. I had to send him a text yesterday afternoon as I still had a few more things to collect from his place (which I needed back). So I also asked that when he is home from work next (thinking he had gone back) can he make some time so we can have a chat. He replied a few hours later saying he was actually still home and to come around this afternoon if I could.
    So, I got all my courage and emotions in check and went around to his place. He had purchased a nice big boat, so he was working on that and to be honest, was a very nice icebreaker. It was very strange, I think, as he treated me exactly like he always had and we sat down to have a beer and we chatted just like old times (we get along so well) and before you know it two hours had passed and we hadn’t talked about the topic at all. So, I brought it up, basically asking “What is going on with us, we really need to talk about it now”.
    He said that he honestly doesn’t know right now, he said that when I called him out being cold it affected him a great deal, because of a past relationship. He said that it instantly brought back painful memories of his three-year relationship 5 years ago and he simply just “didn’t want to go back to that again”. He admitted that all he heard (even though I didn’t say it) was me telling him he was horrible towards me. He said that I wouldn’t be able to convince him otherwise on that day either. I explained why I said he was being cold, I also explained that it had allot to do with my own insecurities from my previous relationship, I told him the way he greeted me when I came back that day really made me feel very unwanted and unloved that day. He apologised for that and admitted he really didn’t handle any of it at all very well, he was actually expecting me to come back the next day and he said he was waiting to hear from me, I said that was up to him to contact me as he was the one that told me to leave. He agreed and he regrets not seeing me that weekend and also the weekend after, he said that this should have been discussed weeks ago.
    He admitted that he has insecurities from his previous relationship and that he didn’t not know how to deal with it. He said that has put a massive wall up now to protect himself, he said that he thought I was just going to end it with him and he was preparing mentally for it and emotionally checked out our relationship. He said that it was all over his interpretation and that he just wouldn’t listen to what I was saying to him. He then asked me how he should deal with this, I simply said “by doing what we are doing now, talking” I said we both have insecurities of being very hurt in previous relationships, I am scared you are going to hut me and you are scared I am going to hurt you. I told him needs to learn to trust me and that he can talk to me how is feeling, not just shut me out. Which he agreed he did on purpose to protect himself.
    I told him that I don’t expect him to be bubbly, full of life and affectionate 24/7 and also that I understand that he needs his alone time, but to just communicate that to me.
    I told him from now on that we don’t text when this happens again, it is over the phone or in person, because yesterday was absolutely what we needed. He was very vulnerable and it was actually a really good feeling I got seeing him like that, he managed to open up to me. He said that he wishes we could turn back time and would have talked about this straight away and not have left it for such a long time.
    At the end, he said that his feeling had changed towards me and asked what I thought. I told him I very serious about him and that I have expressed how much I care about him, he said “I know you have and I checked out”. He then said he does still have feelings for me. He admitted he is very stubborn as well, but sorry for the way he had handled all of this.
    So we left it at that and we went back to chatting as normal, for the next hour. I then said I had better get home and he asked if I would message him when he is back from work (he goes back for 12 days this Friday) and too catch up again, I said I would for sure. He than hugged me and we kissed (allot) and told me that he missed me, so the attraction is still there. He said lets just take things steady, I agreed, slowly is now the best way forward.
    So now he has this massive wall up and I just need to keep giving him time I guess?

    #702607 Reply

    Persephone

    No! He needs to step up! He’s in town nail Friday, and he isn’t making plans to see you again??? This tells me he’s keeping you hanging on. Don’t settle for a cold fish. You obviously have a lot to give- don’t waste time on someone who is basically a relationship illiterate. It will not improve and you will find yourself coddling his precious ego and sensitivities while never getting your needs met.

    #702608 Reply

    Katherine

    Peresphone – Its Wednesday afternoon and he already had plans all day today. So I wouldn’t expect him to cancel his plans to see tonight after requesting we take things slow. I actually would prefer he take some more time to process everything and think that if he really does want a relationship. We wouldn’t be able to catch up tomorrow night, as he leaves for work at 1am Friday morning.

    When he said that it was “becoming too hard and didn’t want to deal with it”, I said to him that he will never be able to have a relationship with me or anyone for that matter going forward. He said I know, I know….

    My gut feeling is no, he isn’t going to leave me hanging. This man is not a player by any means.

    #702609 Reply

    Ali

    Not sure any of us can say. You seem intent on settling for crumbs. THis is an emotionally stunted man you had to drag out of his shell. Is that really what you want ? To go back to limping along with him always wondering if he’s luke warm on you ?

    #702610 Reply

    Jane

    I’m in a great relationship with someone who came with “issues”. Some of mine came up too. The reality is, when you get down to brass tacks, people have stuff to resolve and they can either stick together and do it or they can keep repeating the same patterns. We were both hurt in previous relationships. Hell, who hasn’t been?? My guy and I decided to get some counseling. We saw the same therapist separately. We went for three months. Did us a world of good. That was last year and we are going strong now. We don’t have the little tiffs we were having before. We have built up the trust. I’m expecting a proposal at the holidays. Because we can’t imagine life without each other. Only you know if this is that kind of relationship, where you join hands and stick together when the ride gets scary.

    #702611 Reply

    Katherine

    Ali – perhaps you are right, however this time I am not going in as invested as last time, I am willing to see what happens and see how he does step on from now on. He agreed and acknowledged I didn’t do anything wrong and he could clearly see that. The way he was so emotionally venerable last night was a side I have never seen from him. He is so very scared of invested into a relationship and being hurt again.

    Jane – I tend to lean towards what you are saying, because my issues flared up as well. I told him last night that we both have to acknowledge we have insecurities and fears going into this relationship, but we need to understand and appreciate this about each other. Until last night I had NO idea this was always on his mind. Isn’t that worth sticking it out for the time being and giving him a break, after being so open to me last night. At least I know that I gave everything I could and I didn’t give up when it got “too hard”.

    #702612 Reply

    Rags

    Oh please, he’s treated you like s**t over hang ups from a relationship 5 yrs ago???? I’ve never heard such a load of BS and after all that, he wants YOU to message HIM when he’s back from work and you AGREED????. You contacted him because you’re desperate and he knows it. He will continue to throw you crumbs and you will continue to be ever so grateful for them. For God’s sake grow a backbone and tell him to shove his crumbs where the sun don’t shine.

    #702613 Reply

    Persephone

    I don’t at all think he’s a player. He’s got zero game.

    He just can’t. You’re welcome to wait it out and continue doing the heavy lifting. It’s not you, as he needs to mature and stop making excuses.

    Yes, we all have baggage, but there’s baggage and then there’s BAGGAGE. And then there’s also laziness. His whole “I’ve been burned” bit is a tremendous turnoff.

    Get out of your own way, sister!

    #702614 Reply

    Katherine

    Rags – haha, I’m not desperate that’s for sure, but thanks for that. But yes, I cared and fell in love with this man and was owed an explanation and closure. We actually laughed when he said that I contact him, because of the situation after the “hot and cold” he was waiting for me to contact him and I was waiting for him to contact me. We know now in hindsight, that was really stupid and one of us should of picked up the damn phone and called, but again….there are those pesky insecurities flaring up again.

    #702615 Reply

    Persephone

    None of us deserve closure. Sometimes things just happen. That’s life.

    Also, if he really wanted to make this work half as badly as you meeting up or a phone date would be a priority. He would want to show you he’s aiming for steady, not tossing you crumbs. When you have a real man in love with you you will feel the difference and you’ll fully understand why women here are using words like pitiful, desperate, etc.

    #702618 Reply

    Dee

    So you are in love with him? Is he “in love” with you? Because I’m sure not getting that vibe at all. A man who is in love with you doesn’t give up and shut down when you very rightfully simply said he was being cold. That is such a minor thing, and he just totally shut down and checked out. I’m sorry you are refusing to see that his interest level is super low. He didn’t even put an ounce or resistance up when you ended it! And then he didn’t contact you for 9 days, and likely never would have if you hadn’t pushed the issue. he was happily going to visit other people, and buying boats, not sitting around heartbroken.

    This man either has an incredibly avoidant attachment style (look it up if you aren’t familiar) – which believe me, doesn’t change from one conversation– or he is on the autism spectrum or something– there is something seriouly weird and removed and strange about this man. Even the texts he sent you sounded like he was talking to a distant friend or something.

    I am sorry, you are just going to be right in the same place in a couple of months, I’d be willing to bet. Sure, we all have insecurities, but only a really messed up shut down person pulls a huge fade out because of one comment that wasn’t even especially harsh. he is either incredibly uninvested or damaged / emotionally unavaiable. Honestly baffled as to how you can’t see that!

    #702617 Reply

    Katherine

    Persephone – but this is exactly the way he was treating me, until I managed to cut open a wound with the “hot cold” comment.
    He was very invested and spent all his time with me for 7 months. I didn’t question how he felt about me at all. Those two days we spent away, was my insecurities playing up, I admitted that. He said to me last night, next time, you need to tell me straight away and not leave it.

    #702619 Reply

    Ali

    So why did his previous relationship end, the one from 5 years ago that he is so wounded about? Is it because he was, maybe…… “cold”?

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