Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Wants space, but remains in contact. Need advise
This topic contains 210 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Newbie 4 years, 10 months ago.
When you try too hard to cater to people, they actually lose respect for you. You get respect by stating your boundaries and sticking to them. Asking you to text him when HE gets back is ridiculous. It’s like making a lunch date with someone and then they say, oh could you call me to remind me. I’ve had that one a few times and I just politely tell them that I”m too busy to do diary management for anyone but myself, with a big smile on my face. Then I say, we don’t have to go to lunch if you don’t want to, I don’t mind. And then they assure me they want to and magically, they can remember it themselves! I think this guy is stonewalling. Stop playing his game and walk away. If he doesn’t want to get over the past, then he’s welcome to keep losing good women, that’s not your problem to solve.
I think you’re begging for your heart to be broken…
I couldn’t agree with Shana more. Katherine, at this point he should be trying to win *YOU* back, not you still chasing him around, going to his house, asking him why this happened, then texting him when he’s back. Stop trying to steer the boat. Just stop. If you completely STOP trying to move something forward you will quickly see his level of investment… of course… you did that before and what happened? He let the boat drift off and sink. I predict that is exactly what will happen again.
You seriously have to ask yourself why you would want someone you have to drag along/forward. Do you think you cant find someone else ? Do you think you don’t deserve someone willing to put in some effort?
I’m sure he DOES miss you to some degree. It must be nice to have your toilets cleaned by your girlfriend, and it’s easy enough to kiss your “ex” when she’s turning up at your house and presenting herself on a silver platter for you to do so.
I said this early on and I stick by it: he’s a taker, a bad communictor, and an avoider. This is traits that don’t develop overnight and they don’t disappear overnight.
You are: a giver, an OVER communicator, and someone more than willing to pick up the slack for a man. Think about how that is the perfect recipe for getting hurt.
When we really want something, when we feel for someone, we would dive in denial no matter what reality is.
I think Katherine needs to ride this wave to the end. No one is going to be able to explain to her that “text me when I am back” is not “trying. No one is going to be able to explain to her that ghosting you over ONE comment is not normal.
Not communicating, not responding..he was home with his boat and never other contacting you. His pride was “expecting you” to call. Why exactly? And even now you are supposed to cater to him
This guy will never have a normal relationship. You can mother him and be his therapist for as long as you want, but this will not be a relationship. You will waste your time.
There is nothing anyone can do, Katherine will NOT see it no matter what. She will not see this man for who he is and not understand his pathetic excuses and explanations.
He had some regrets losing a woman who was so nice to him so he “explained” things and then told her to text him. Big effort indeed.
And poor guy, the cold comment must have shredded him in pieces. But you? not hearing from him, not knowing what’s going on, being ignored and stonewalled is ok?
Stop giving him all the “love and care”. He will not be appreciative of that. Men like that never appreciate anything even when the lose things. They go into their own denial and invent things, trying to make YOU at fault (for hurting them).
But I am talking in vain. Katherine, I hope you are not going to try and try…Have some deadline at least. Please do respect yourself and your life. Open your eyes and start thinking like a normal woman, not like a psych nurse. You are a very nice person, but be a woman a please!! have some pride and dignity, have some desires to be wanted, to be treated well, to be courted, etc. WANT some things from men for yourself. Show them your rear end with a finger if they don’t give it to you. Smile and go meet someone new. You can feel “sad” about them sometimes, but to HELL with those jerks. Worry about you and your life, you deserve better, much better. Gee..how I hope you stop caring for this piece of a log, because this is who he is, who can you not see it?.. I am sorry!
Katherine,I agree with the others that he is a poor bet and not worth “waiting” for. If he has issues,but wants a relationship,he could get therapy,he could go with you to therapy etc. I think he is making excuses and stringing you along.
He says he is insecure and afraid to be hurt? Everything you have done for him has shown,almost to the extreme that he can count on you loving him,waiting around when he is away and looking after him. If that already has not been enough-nothing you can do going forward will change things. I think he met someone else or does not love you enough etc. Sorry but I would be done with him and move on. I am 60 and finally found the best guy ever for me. After 2 marriages and lots of dating,meeting etc. He appeared and I finally see how a good guy that is in love acts,talks etc. Wasted years of me trying to make things work with lazy,half committed guys that had me doing all the work.. Stop this now. I promise you will find better and when you do,you will KNOW it! Good luc.
Totally agree Emma. And Jan.
But I’ve been in situations where my friends have told me yo stop. I told them I needed to do the relationship to death. That’s what I did. I wasted 6 months but I was 100% sure I’d done everything I could and never looked back for a second.
I’m not sure why you’d bother with this guy when you’ve only been together 8 months and he hasn’t made you happy for at least 2 of them. Or why you’d try with someone that has made no effort to see you at all since Easter though!
Katherine, I only now read the whole thread and I do understand how you feel as years ago I had something similar happen to me. I was in a relationship with a guy, it lasted a little less than a year, things were running smoothly. He decided to go on a one month vacation with a friend of his, which was completely fine with me. We were in daily contact during about first two weeks of his vacation, he was constantly updating me with pics etc. Towards the end of his vacation the contact significantly reduced, without a reason, we had no fight everything was cool so I thought he just wanted to spend the last moments doing his stuff not hanging on the phone.
After his return we met practically immediately, but I felt he was distant, again I was thinking maybe he is mentally still there, he needs time. We had contact less and less and I still thought to myself I cant freak out, give him his space etc etc. But it was already bothering me inside. After about a month of things being really strange, I asked him if everything was ok and he immediately said he needs space/break. So I gave it to him, but he was in constant contact /via texts/, but everytime we spoke it felt more like a small talk rather than two people in a relationship.
Again I waited for about a month to give him his space, naively thinking that if he didnt care about me he would have broken up with me by now. But I couldnt wait any longer asked him to meet me, when we met he was very cold, almost mean I have to say. I broke up with him that day and guess what, he didnt fight for me, nada, he actually seemed relieved, dropped me home without even looking at me. A few days later he contacted me apologising, saying how great of a person I am and all kinds of things and I only asked if he was thinking about breaking up with me he said yes..for a while..and I asked why he hadnt done it..he said..if I told you that, you would have cried /btw he was 38 back then, so yes even at this age men can act this way/..soooooo…he was basically avoiding me, trying to get me to break up with him coz he didnt have the balls to do it..later i found out he met someone on this vacation and that was the reason, it wasnt about what I did.
Sorry for this long story, but i see some similarities and to be honest, in a way I understand how you look at things, I was waiting for a miracle too..but looking back, if I could I would have ended it way sooner..all this waiting for nothing, overanalysing every single word you say/he says, checking your phone to see if you have a text or missed call..it is so not worth it. Try to be more loving and caring towards yourself this time. I think dealing with this false hope that you keep having is a lot worse to your body and mind than the actual break up.
Men really don’t define themselves by romantic relationships like we do. When things are going well and the men are consistent, we think they are very invested and reliable but they really are not. Whenever they face other problems in life they don’t look to the women for emotional support,
instead they just pull away. OP is kind of insecure. And her man might have sensed that. And that was confirmed later by her reaction to the whole thing, when she kept initiating contact and talks.
The man should have initiated if he can’t stay without her. This rule is universal. When he went out of contact for that long, he already knew she wanted him very desperately, which made him feel more confident that he didn’t need to do much. OP is so kind. But don’t be kind to someone who is unkind to you.
An interesting(good) take on it Yunni..
Agree with the ladies that it’s time to pull the plug and accept the break up. He’s not doing a damn thing to SHOW you he wants you, in fact, he’s hoping you will take the hint and stop contacting him. He told you he ‘checked out’ and that’s exactly what he’s done and is clearly not going back to you.
I’m really sorry Katherine it went down this way but you’ve done and said everything you can do at this point. A wall is over his heart, you are not in it and time to fully accept its over so you can start the process of moving on without him in your life. Hugs.
I have little more to add after the update and responses. Except i do think its good to post here for a second (hundreds lol) opinion. I understand your thought process. You still want back what you had, believing that was good. Maybe you should look back to the first 6 months. Was he actually integrating you in his life? Like introducing you to family and friends, making future plans, talk about the future, maybe moving in etc? If those are all no, then im sure this is his ammo and he checked out for sure. And that the 3 year relationship was with a girl like you. What happened In that relationship is quite crucial i think and his part in it.
He is probably not a bad guy, but i actually do know quite a few australian miners online and none of them are settled. They date but it never goes further than that. Maybe its a free spirit kind of thing plus macho work.
Anyway, deepdown we would all want this to work out for you, but the scepsis is based on a the posters here where it never worked out. I do hope you learn to speak up more for ourselves in the future. Read the book why women love bitches. Its at least a fun read. Take care and hugs