Wants space, but remains in contact. Need advise


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This topic contains 210 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Newbie 3 years, 4 months ago.

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  • #702620 Reply

    Hannah

    If you listen to what he’s saying, he said he has emotionally checked out of the relationship, doesn’t have the same feelings for you any more, has a wall built up and feels it’s all too hard.

    Why are you flogging a dead horse?

    It sounds to me like you went into convincing mode and he just went along with it.

    He needs to want you, have strong feelings for you and want to work with you to fix things. It sounds like he isn’t in the place to do that or is motivated to do it.

    This has already been dragging on since Easter. You can give it another shot, but I’m not very optimistic. Even he isn’t very optimistic!

    #702621 Reply

    Katherine

    Maybe you are all correct :(

    I am hanging onto something that is no longer there.

    #702622 Reply

    Rags

    I’ve been there with exactly the same kind of man. 100% perfect in every sense then he did the same thing as this guy. TWICE. He blamed it on his insecurities and tried to turn it into my insecurities. And I fell for it just like you. He even booked and paid for us to go on holiday and 6 weeks before we went, he did it a third time. I walked away and never looked back. I’ve now been in a 2yr relationship with a REAL man who can communicate fully with me and would never dream of dropping off the earth. Believe me, you are wasting your time

    #702623 Reply

    Jo

    Katherine you gave him already plenty of time and space. But you are intent on spending your time on a man who does not want you. If he did, he would contact you and see you. He’s asked you to call him when he’s back – can’t get a lower investment than that.
    Why don’t you go on a few dates with other people? See the difference of a guy who actually wants a relationship wih you. .I’m not buying what he’s saying. You calling him out on his bs and him checking out is stupid. It means you can never tell him if he does somehing wrong. It’s all on his terms.
    You forgot you are the prize …besides when you asked him he didn’t say he wants you back or that he wants a relationship with you. He told you he checked out. For many people ito would be very hard to check back in if they checked out. I think he’s looking for someone else and he’ll take whatever you give him until he finds what he wants. It’s just a shame to see you waste so much of your time on this man child

    #702625 Reply

    Katherine

    Maybe you are all correct. Maybe I am hanging onto something that is no longer there and someone who no longer wants me :(

    I think I will leave it for now, I won’t contact him when he is back. If he wants to see me, he will contact me.

    I can fight for someone that doesn’t want me.

    I came away from last night feeling all refreshed and optimistic to be very honest. But I didn’t step back and look at the real picture of what was going on.

    #702626 Reply

    Persephone

    Ok, good, Katherine. This is an excellent first step.

    You’re clearly a good person. Take some time and deepen your connection to yourself. If you truly see yourself it will be almost impossible for you to take crumbs from men who just can’t give you (or anyone) what you need.

    Damaged makes great movies, but exhausting lives! Aim for stable and fun. Take care of yourself and just don’t even reach out. Don’t give this any more drama or life. Save your energy for you!

    #702627 Reply

    Persephone

    Oh, and on the off chance he does reach out, all you have to say is that you’ve realized you do best with consistency and have chosen to move on.

    Good luck!

    #702629 Reply

    Hannah

    Oh Katherine I’m so sorry! We’ve probably really depressed you. But sometimes it’s so easy to drive for what you want so much, you forget to listen to what the person is telling you. Or what their actions are showing you.

    You want to see the positives. But my ex came round yesterday. Gave me a big kiss and a cuddle, we chatted like old times and he asked to see me socially soon. This wasn’t us getting back together, it was us being cordial.

    I know you don’t want to give up. You want to know for sure you’ve done everything you can. He asked you to text him so I would. I would tell him you can’t hang around forever and you need to know if he wants to seriously try again with you. Sometimes you need to know for sure before you can move on.

    #702633 Reply

    Katherine

    Thanks Hannah and yes, I certainly was feeling rather depressed after reading everyone’s responses.

    He opened up to me last night, told me exactly how he was feeling and the fact that he has put these walls up out of fear of being hurt again (so what if it was 5 years ago), how can I then turn around and go “bye then” and do exactly what he is fearing. He told me he did have feelings for me, the kids and cuddle wasn’t a friendly one by any means, it was passionate and wouldn’t let me go, he was not initiating anything further, but he is definitely still attracted to me. He then asked if we can then just take this slow.

    So how do give up because it isn’t going on my terms.

    He asked me to text him, big deal, actually I will call him when he is back. I’ll soon find out one way or another if he is serious about the relationship. But at the moment I am listening to what he is saying.

    #702634 Reply

    Katherine

    Kiss not kids lol

    #702644 Reply

    Rags

    No need to feel depressed by the tough love, you know him better than any of us. You see the person but we can only see what’s written in black and white and we women hate to see anyone settle for crumbs when they clearly deserve better. Maybe you should take my mum’s advice “follow your heart but take your head with you”. Best wishes

    #702650 Reply

    Pam

    TAke things slowly? The man ignored you for a couple weeks! And now he is away again for two more weeks and won’t talk to you until he gets back? That is total BS. I’m sorry but here is what I see.

    You told him how much you love him and have feelings for him. He told you he has lost feelings for you. This is so unbalanced and not in your favor. I agree with others that he should be the one contacting you when he gets back. But he’s using this imbalance to his advantage and making you do the work. Just like he told you to come over his house. Doesn’t he ever come to see you? Why are you responsible for making sure you aren’t hurting his feelings, why did he not ever reach out to you. If you hadn’t used the EXCUSE to text him about your things, do you think he would have been in touch? Of course not. He is leaving again for two weeks.

    This is such a bogus excuse on his end. And I agree with someone who asked the question: Was he cold to the ex? Because if you saying he was cold hit a nerve than I would not be surprised if this isn’t a pattern for him.

    You are so tip toeing around this it isn’t funny. You are way too understanding and he is using this to his advantage. He’s the one who treated you like crap yet you are the one trying to make him happy, feel safe, feel loved and are going to walk on egg shells moving forward. He has you where he wants you and while you say you feel good, I don’t believe you will once you realize he is going to make you do all the work and chasing moving forward.

    #702651 Reply

    Anastasia

    I only don’t get what’s his problem to keep in touch daily via texting. Is his business travel in the remote Arctic? Me and my boyfriend are often on the travel to different sides of the globe but nonetheless checking out each other every day. So easy peasy with whatsapp, telegram, viber etc. Even then, my bf is the one who initiates sending his updates most, he just do it faster than I even get curious about his stuff :D
    Your guy is a piece of mess and strings you alone with an actual zero interest. Please drop him like a hot, you can have a much better man for yourself.

    #702655 Reply

    anon

    Date other men for now. Just get out and do it. I went thru similar with my LDR who “loves me”, but “is complicated” and “has walls”. I don’t doubt his love for me, but I don’t feel like spending the rest of my life chipping at this wall while I prove I will put up with him.

    Basically I reluctantly started dating, went on some crappy dates that made chipping that wall seem like the best option. Finally went on an amazing date with connection and chemistry. Mr LDR is not the first man on my mind anymore. Oddly, this has given Mr LDR space to miss me and he has bumped up communication.

    BUT what I found is that I prefer the new guy. He makes space for me, no matter what.

    #702660 Reply

    Bedazzle

    HI Katherine,

    I am going to suggest you stop getting advice on this issue in your relationship. When I read that you had talked through some stuff and are getting back on track, I was happy for you. Then I read that you were depressed from the advice you were getting. The reason it is making you depressed is because it is not resonating to be true in your gut.

    Look, you know this guy better than anyone on this forum. You have spent the last 7 months developing a relationship with him (regardless of what the status currently is). You are not in the initial dating phases with him and you are not pursuing him. He asked you to contact him, so do that for heaven sake. Don’t you love him? Then if so try and find common ground to work through this.

    I have been seeing all over this forum, “If a man loves you, he will behave a certain way.” I don’t know where this crap got started, but it isn’t true. Yes, a man will go out of his way and treat a woman the best he can, but he will bump up against limits. We all have our issues and that is where we fail to, “if we love someone…to behave that way.”

    From the sounds of what you have written, I think this guy does love you. AND he has hit a snag with his own issue which has triggered your own issue.

    If I were you, I would take a break from this thread and go get your relationship back on track. Follow your gut. You know if you are being treated well or not. You know when extending compassion is right or not. And you know when putting your foot down is right or not. Trust yourself and this guy that the two of you know how to sort through this.

    Good luck!

    #702661 Reply

    Anna

    Katherine,
    His reaction to the “cold” comment was very bizarre. I wonder why that supposedly cut open such a wound from his last relationship…..maybe it’s because he acted cold and it was an issue? But to be honest… his explanation regarding his behavior sounds like more of an excuse to me. Remember…he was acting cold BEFORE you made the comment and then he just continued on being cold after that.

    I used to be head over heels for this guy with a lot of emotional baggage and abandonment issues. He kept me at a distance and it drove me crazy. At times, he would open up to me greatly about why he behaved the way he did, sharing things about his past that he had never shared with anyone. This made me feel close to him and gave me this false sense that I mattered to him way more than I really did. He would kiss me passionately and look at me longingly. He gave all these all these elusive statements regarding our relationship such as “I just need some time” or “once I work through this we could have a real relationship”. I thought if I just stuck around and proved I was not going to abandon him that he would eventually come around. Leaving him would prove his fears right. That was not at all the case….I later realized all of his extensive explanations and “opening up” to me really were just excuses and meant to warn me: “Don’t expect anything from me.” His actions showed me loud and clear…He did want a relationship with me and wasn’t making any plans to try.

    A guy that really wants you will show you with words and most importantly actions that you matter greatly to him. That means, DOING the relationship (initiating contact, making plans to see you consistently, letting you know how he feels about you). He will move mountains to be with you and you can bet that he will not let any past baggage from a previous relationship stand in his way.

    #702662 Reply

    anon

    “DOING the relationship (initiating contact, making plans to see you consistently, letting you know how he feels about you). He will move mountains to be with you”

    I don’t think all guys work this way. I had a 20 year relationship with a man who didn’t work this way. He was lazy. AFAIK he is still lazy. 20 years is a pretty long haul, so despite his laziness, at one point he genuinely loved me and valued our relationship.

    I think “move mountains” happens in the early phases of dating. Then in general, that effort dies off for a lot of men, who are more than happy to be in a relationship, but not really going to put forth consistent effort. As a woman in this situation, you have to decide if you want to consistently have to ask for his attention or find a more attentive mate.

    I think what the OP has to decide is whether or not this is what she wants to do, to assume the role of leader (or not).

    #702663 Reply

    Pam

    I usually agree with bedazzle. This time I’m torn. Yes it’s true men will show love I never different ways depending on the person. In this case, however, he was supposedly doing all the right things up until Easter. So what caused the change? Is this the real person that he is? Does he realize that he really isn’t all in so decided to pull back and see what happens? I agree it’s up to OP to decide what resonates best for her. But this sudden change in behavior is what strikes me as problematic. If he had acted this way from the beginning that would be one thing. And would suggest his style of showing love is different. But apparently he was Baltimore to show his love in a more traditional way for months now. Plus he said he has lost feelings for her. When I look at word and actions matching the distance he has created along with the statement of not feeling it is pretty clear. And has nothing to do with how a man shows love. I would be really cautious. Because either he is telling you he is not longer all in or this is how he deals with stress and you will have him doing this every time there is an issue. Someone who goes cold and ignores you. I think he is making excuses too and I don’t see anywhere that he has apologized for hurting you. He clearly feels justified and is clinging to this supposed hurt from your comment which seems really childish. He doesn’t even have the insight to evaluate his own behavior but rather pushes all the blame on you for saying something that crippled him? Really? And even when you explained the reason why you said it, he never owed up to his part of the problem. So right now all you can do is wait th two weeks and contact him. You say it shouldn’t be all on your terms but right now I don’t see things very balanced, because the last mon5 or so has been all on his terms. Good luck

    #702664 Reply

    Jane

    Katherine, my guy actively and willingly stepped up to go to counseling. He owned his issues and said he wanted me in his life and would do whatever it took. He was willing to work through the pain and he recognized the anger he was still holding towards his ex and his fears of being used and dumped were going to hold him back not just with me but in life in general. I scheduled the appointments for both of us (we would have back to back sessions with the therapist) and he drove us there. It was not easy. But until you are willing to face things and move through them, you are in a prison of your own making. You have to want out badly enough to do something about it. I’m not convinced he does.

    I don’t feel I can advise you at this point because only you know him. I do agree with the person above who said it’s time to stop posting here. I read this whole thread and you keep looping around and around. I think you know the answers. You may not like them, but you know them.

    #702667 Reply

    Dee

    I dont agree with the “move mountains” thing either. That’s a movie fantasy.

    But picking up the phone, sending an affectionate text, making a phone call, is NOT MOVING MOUNTAINS!

    Now that I’ve said that, I agree that Katherine should get off here. I re-read that thead, and basically, katherine, if I could make an observation, you tend to be very easily swayed by whatever the last couple of people have said. This is probably also why you bought his b.s. (sorry, I’m sticking by the fact that he’s sending you crumbs). You appear to be very easily influenced by other opinions, and since the opinions on here are mixed and you’ve got a couple of people encouraging your delusion, those are the ones you’ll likely listen to.

    Sometimes we have to learn the hard way.

    #702669 Reply

    anna

    Guys, I’m not trying to say he’s going to do anything ridiculous. But a guy that wants a relationship would be engaging with her at the very least…come on. He has hardly initiated contact in a month, let alone tried to see her. A guy that wanted to be in a relationship with her would at the very least be making time to see her. This doesn’t seem like a couple that is working through a tough time. Rather, he’s just completely checked out of the relationship.

    #702672 Reply

    Dee

    Totally agree with you Anna ! I just don’t consider that “moving mountains” more like the bare minimum required to move a relationship along!

    #702673 Reply

    anna

    And to be honest, a guy in love would probably take action in order to avoid losing a girl he loves

    #702674 Reply

    anna

    sure, i am just trying to highlight that men will typically do some amount of work to save a relationship with a woman they truly want a relationship with. I’ve seen men do quite a bit.

    #702677 Reply

    Jan

    The man admits he checked out of the relationship and has lost feelings. He’s asking her to win him back. This is a situation where the words do match the actions.

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