he said he needed space


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  • #483338 Reply
    Elena

    Beth…

    You are getting some really great advises on this forum. I understand that you are in pain (I have been there) and seeking for you to validate all these feelings you have and confusion you are experiencing. BUT you cant have all the answers, all you can do at this moment is take the advise and give the guy space.

    Do you have someone close, like a friend or someone from familu? Its very comforting to talk to someone and just have someone to listen and be there for you in person. Maybe take time to reflect about yourself and what you think you deserve.

    This is about you, not entirely about him. Have some dignity. A relationship is not controlled by one person, it takes two. Take ownership. If he needs space, for fucks sake take that SPACE TOO for your own good and work things out internally, ask yourself what you want. You never know, you may come out at the other end asking to just cut it all off even if he wants to come back.

    You are more than just someone to be taken space from.

    #483339 Reply
    Lane

    Beth you are choking him with your “passionate” leash. The BURDEN you are placing on his shoulders is far too much and need to learn how to let go and give the GIFT of space, autonomy and freedom to those you love because one person is incapable of making a person happy—it takes work, friends, parents, siblings, hobbies, etc. that creates a person’s happiness.

    How many BF’s have you had before him? Did you do the same with them? You will lose this man if you don’t reign yourself in and give him some room to breathe.

    #483345 Reply
    Kate

    Beth,

    While the people here can offer advice and support, you will have to work on your own confidence and self worth.

    In the beginning of the relationship, I”m sure you two were in that phase where you couldn’t get enough of each other and everything was very exciting and new. But over the course of a few months, things settled down for him (as is natural). This is the point where people usually stop communicating so frequently and into a more reasonable and sustainable routine. If this doesn’t happen, it can be very distracting and prevent one or both of you from doing the things that are important to them…work, exercise, friends, family, etc. Women (and sometimes men) often don’t recognize this for what it is, and instead become all anxious and needy instead of allowing their partner to communicate when it’s comfortable.

    This may be what happened. The “high” wore off for him (normal) and he needed to devote less time to communication with you and more time to the other areas of his life. But instead of letting this happen, backing off yourself and focusing on YOUR life some more, you kept blowing up his phone and becoming clingy, which is suffocating and unattractive. Again, only guessing.

    He’s probably in a place now where he’s trying to figure out if you have a future together and the neediness that he senses from you is a concern. That may be why he wants space…to see if you can give him what he needs without falling apart and to see if you can be your own person and do your own thing. No normal man wants a woman’s entire identity to be tied up in him. You need to be prepared for the fact that he MAY decide he doesn’t want to continue. But, he may come back to see how you behave. If you give him the space he needs, do things for yourself, take care of yourself and don’t completely fall apart during this break, that’s your best chance. But don’t fake it Beth…it has to be real. Actually go out and do things with your friends, for yourself (gym, class, hobby) so that the person he talks to when he’s had his space is her own person and not just sitting and waiting for him to make her feel worthy. You’re worthy with or without him, and you must truly believe that if you want to have a healthy relationship.

    Does that make sense?

    #483347 Reply
    Beth

    Lane- yes I’ve had similar probs in past so this is something new – the opposite
    I have had 3 other serious bf
    Kate – yes that’s what happened
    I got/get over excited and admittedly blew up his phone a bunch
    I have acted needy – not trying to but I have

    #483361 Reply
    Beth

    I’m just really trying here

    #483363 Reply
    Kate

    Beth,

    You know what your issue is, and has been, so now it’s up to you to decide if you want to make some changes. And you shouldn’t make this decision just because you want things to work out with your current BF, but because you want to have happier, healthier relationships in general…with him or anyone.

    We’re not telling you that it’s inappropriate to be in pain, or to ignore the pain. In fact, you should take time to cry, pout, yell, whatever and express your emotions instead of bottling them up. Just don’t do it to your bf right now. If things work out, there are healthy ways of expressing your feelings to a partner. But right now, don’t let your emotions explode all over him.

    Despite how you might be hurting though, you still need to force yourself to do things for YOU, that will shift your focus off him so much and help you to be a little more independent. Ask your friends to go out for dinner/drinks/a comedy show or whatever you enjoy. Stay with a friend if that makes you feel better. But find a way to get through this without behaving as if you can’t live without him.

    My BF sent me a cartoon once that said, “I’ll work on me for you, and you work on you for me.” This is absolutely true. Do all of the things that everyone has suggested, for yourself first and for the relationship second.

    #483418 Reply
    beth

    I do appreciate everything
    I am in a lot of pain
    I have been crying so so much
    I know that if I don’t change this then nothing ever will work out
    I called on of my ex’s (we are still friends-he has a gf-he said that I am relentless and need to listen when someone tells me something
    my pain is real-I know I need to give him space but all I want to do is see/talk to him
    I don’t want him to NOT think of me–does that make sense

    #483427 Reply
    josie

    Hi Beth

    You mentioned this has happened before with other bfs. What is the common denominator in all this?…. you.

    Other relationships have ended and although at the time you thought your world would end, it didn’t. You got over it and moved on right?

    I’m going to suggest, and you probably already know this, this isn’t about the guy at all it’s about your need to be validated, that you’re lovable and worth being loved. Well you are! And you have to recognize that for yourself. Constantly relying on someone else for your self worth will never ever work…. whatever they give you, it will never be enough and they will give up no matter how much they truly do love you.

    Have you ever talked to a counsellor/ psychologist about these issues? I’m not trying to be mean- spirited, I know for me it was really helpful in recognizing and dealing with abandonment issues.

    Anyway, right now you are panicked and afraid, but you will be okay, esp if you take this time to focus on yourself and do some of the great things the other gals have suggested

    Cheers girl! you are way more than you are giving yourself credit for

    #483429 Reply
    Gabby

    Hi Beth,

    I’ve been following your post because I have been behaving exactly like this with a guy I have a relationship with. We got into a huge fight and he has asked for space too. He said he needed time to think about everything that was said and if I continued to be persistent I would push him away and he wouldn’t be able to get over it. So I’ve decided since he doesn’t want to talk about what’s going on that I am going to write him a letter and sort out my feelings that way so when he does finally come back ready to talk I’ll have everything sorted out in my own head. Perhaps something like that would help you sort through your confusion and figure out what is really bothering you. I’m quite insecure in my relationships too and usually end up in the same boat you are in and usually what is really bothering me isn’t what I initially think it is hence the letter idea. Good luck, I hope it works out.

    #483435 Reply
    Andy

    I suggested some stuff to you yesterday, and I’m having a tough time following it myself. A friend of mine is supposed to call me soon, so maybe she can help clear my head. I think I just need to vent a bit.

    #483444 Reply
    kaye

    Beth and Gabby,

    I want you to close your eyes and picture yourself and your boyfriend standing near the edge of a cliff. His back is to the edge and he is facing you, and every time you step toward him (i.e. send a text or call) he takes a step back getting closer to the edge of the cliff. Each step you take trying to get him to talk to you or see you or listen to you is a step back for him because he has asked to keep a certain amount of space between you. Eventually you have pushed him so far that he falls off the cliff and the relationship is done! Over…past the point of repair.

    So every time you want to pick up your phone to text or call, picture this in your head and that one text is pushing him toward the edge of that cliff. And imagine if you did send that text that he rolls his eyes, says why can’t she listen? and doesn’t reply. None of those things make you want to send that text do they?

    Each day will get a little easier as you learn to let go of your grip just a little bit and understand that by giving him what he is asking for you are giving yourself the best shot of making this work. Think about what he wants and not what you feel like you need right now. Understand that regardless of what happens you will be alright. That there is a grand plan out there for your life and if this guy isn’t meant to be in it then there will be another even better. We are rooting for you!!

    #483447 Reply
    Gabby

    By writing a letter to this guy I didn’t mean you needed to give it to him, I was just thinking that perhaps instead of internalizing everything and playing it over and over in your head and beating yourself up for it you get it all out in a healthier way.

    #483472 Reply
    beth

    I have written a letter–and have that–did that yesterday
    yes I have talked to a counselor and I made a call to one this morning as well
    Bryan is a great man and I do love him….
    I would like things to work out and I know I need to change things for me and us
    I know I am insecure–I have always been

    #483473 Reply
    yahayra

    When a guys says he needs space its pretty much just that!
    Its over for that period of time!!! when he is ready to contact you he will.
    There is also a self esteem issue which is reflected in co-dependency. Our womanly instincts is to nurture and fix a problem the best way we can…However, it is in the nature of a man to fix things and be a man!! He doesn’t feel like a man in the relationship by your smothering he feels more like a son…. in which case is doing neither one any good. Hold back for a while shift your focus back on you enjoy your life take a walk and appreciate your good qualities. In the end if he cant appreciate you for who you are then its time to move on hun.

    Best of luck!

    #483475 Reply
    Harley

    Beth,

    have you posted on this site before regarding this type problem with other guys ?

    #483476 Reply
    beth

    I am not planning to give him that letter
    Kaye–that is a very visual thing–I know all the words make sense–but I can really see and visualize that..
    WOW–I deff don’t want him over the clif
    I really do love him and care for him so much
    I txted a few ppl about getting together this weekend–waiting to hear back

    #483499 Reply
    Hannah

    Kate’s advice here is brilliant!

    Also, remember out of site is not out of mind. He WILL be thinking about you. He’s not going to suddenly erase you from him memory the second you’re not with him is he? Stop worrying that if you’re not in constant touch something bad will happen.

    I go on business trips regularly and it’s actually really good for my marriage as my husband and I really miss each ad appreciate other. I think space is good in any relationship.

    Imagine he does get in contact in a week or so. What will he see? Someone who’s been pining and stressing for days, driving herself insane. Or someone who’s taken on board what he said, is back in control of her emotions and has actually been going out, doing fun, positive things. Which is going to be the most appealing to him? Which is going to show you do have a capacity for change? Most importantly, which is going to make you feel happier and more secure in yourself?

    #483507 Reply
    beth

    how do you know he’s thinking of me?
    not thinking thank goodness shes not txting me right now
    our schedules are such that we only see each other on weekends(he works days-nights) I work days
    I didn’t see him last weekend as he was visiting family back home….
    so I was hoping to see him this weekend–have not seen him in 2 weeks and I really miss him
    Im struggling here

    #483526 Reply
    sweetspicy

    Beth,

    I really think you need to be prepared that this is over. And assuming he is thinking about you is keeping you in hope. Thinking about you is not action to be with you, so it is irrelevant. You need to get ready to move on. When a man tells you to stop contacting him, it is a very very very bad sign. If he does not even want texts, he certainly does not want to see you.

    I know you are struggling, it is soooo painful when this happens. Take literally every minute as it comes! Breathe into the pain and fear….

    #483528 Reply
    Kate

    I’m having trouble posting so forgive me if this shows up twice…

    You need to understand that there are some fundamental differences between how men and women think about relationships and how they resolve conflict within the relationship. Our feminine energy often drives us to try and resolve conflict right away, as we can’t stop thinking about it and it causes anxiety and fear. We have the ability to focus on multiple things at a time…work, kids, a fight with out boyfriend. However, men tend to be more liner in there thinking and it can make them mentally uncomfortable (and make the situation worse) if we try to force them to deal with certain issues before they’re ready.

    When something like your situation happens, most of the men I’ve known would feel overexposed (to the woman) and overwhelmed. At this point they physically need to clear their minds of relationship related issues, let things settle and deal with something else (work, exercise, etc.). Only after they feel settled in their minds can they begin to focus on the problem, or you. This could take hours, days or weeks depending on the nature of the relationship and severity of the problem.

    If you try to MAKE them think about you and the problem while they are sorting it out, they will usually react by pushing you further away and burying the problem even deeper. This may sound annoying but it’s a masculine trait and believe it or not, something we’re drawn to which balances us out.

    Think about this. You have had to work a double shift AND you have a bad cold. You come home and can barely stand. All you want(and NEED) to do is take a hot shower, some Nyquil and pass out for ten hours. However, your boyfriend is there and he wants to talk, drink and watch movies. All you WANT him to do is bring you medicine, tuck you in, let you sleep and have the ability to entertain himself for a few hours until you feel better. But he doesn’t. He sits next to you on the bed, fidgeting, talking to you about his bad day at work, turns the TV on loudly and hides the cold medicine from you because it will make you more tired and he wants you to stay awake and engage with him. At some point you will become VERY stressed, VERY upset and VERY angry with him for being so insensitive and unconcerned with your needs. You would probably lock him out of the bedroom so you don’t have to see, hear or deal with him for a while. Then, when you’re feeling better, you go out and find him again. If he’s calmed down and not acting like a lunatic anymore, you feel a little better about your relationship and decide to move forward. However, if he immediately starts bombarding you with questions and crying because you took time away from him last night, you throw him out and stop talking to him.

    Right now, your bf is locked in his bedroom, resting his mind. Once he does, he will then think about you and the problem. It sounds counter-intuitive, but men who care for us actually think about us MORE when they’re away from us. He won’t forget about you while you’re giving him space. However, if you don’t, he will.

    #483531 Reply
    Kate

    Also, good for you to seek out counseling. I think this is a great, positive step and regardless of what happens with this man, it will only help you become the person you need to be in order to have a healthy relationship.

    #483566 Reply
    beth

    I would have just thought its been 2 weeks
    he would have wanted to see me–we only get the weekends
    I have not seen him since the weekend before thanksgiving
    been so long

    #483572 Reply
    Phillygirl

    Beth,

    Kate’s example was excellent.

    I am not saying the following to upset you, but to show you what we see.

    As a female reading what you wrote, even I was completely repelled. If I was a guy I would completely shut down too. Its too much, it’s completely overwhelming.

    I honestly don’t think you are in the right frame of mind for any relationship right now. I think your guy knows it too.

    What you call passion is coming off as stubbornness and desperation.

    I think you need to spend time talking to a professional so you can overcome your insecurities. This is honestly where your outward manifestations of clinginess, and the requirement this man (or any man) validate you, and it’s making you crazy.

    I feel for you, and I’m sorry. I know this is making you feel nuts and very sad. But in order to have a great relationship, I think you need to just focus on the work you need to do on yourself (for you) first.

    Even if your guy comes back, your neediness will immediately drive him away again, I think-for good.

    #483578 Reply
    Hannah

    Who cares if it’s been 2 weeks. At this rate he’ll never want to see you again. You’re a 30 year old woman, not a teenager. This may sound harsh but seriously, if you don’t sort this out all of your romantic relationships will crumble.

    Kate has given amazing advice. Take it! Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something positive.

    #483583 Reply
    beth

    I do plan to take the advice
    Ive tried to reach out to people and make plans and waiting to hear back
    ive put a call in to see the counselor next week
    I am NOT going to call/txt him
    I am saying I want to REALLY want to and know its the best course of action though its very hard

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